Divorcing borderliner bulletin, 2016
For the list of top articles see Recommended Links section
- 20160922 : 6 Signs Your Spouse Has Checked Out Of Your Marriage Huffington Post ( Mar 14, 2016 , www.huffingtonpost.com )
- 20160910 : Surviving the Storm - Divorcing a Narcissist ( May 02, 2016 , dalkeithpress.com )
- 20160910 : Are BPD Drama Queens Manipulative, Sadistic, and Worse ( www.psychologytoday.com )
- 20160910 : Meet the Malignant Narcissist ( Dec 09, 2015 , jessescrossroadscafe.blogspot.com )
- 20160910 : Love, Sex, and Intimacy: Their Psychology, Biology, and History ( softpanorama.org, )
- 20160518 : Less Than Artful Choices Narcissistic Personality Disorder According to Donald Trump by Maria Konnikova ( Big Think )
- 20160518 : Barack Obama – Narcissist or Merely Narcissistic? ( lettingfreedomring.com )
- 20160518 : 10 Signs That Youre in a Relationship with a Narcissist by Preston Ni M.S.B.A. ( www.psychologytoday.com )
- 20160518 : Obamas Malignant Narcissism ( www.americanthinker.com )
- 20160518 : Can Narcissists Change by Dr. Craig Malkin ( www.huffingtonpost.com )
- 20160518 : 5 Early Warning Signs Youre With a Narcissist ( www.huffingtonpost.com )
- 20160518 : Is Donald Trump Actually a Narcissist Therapists Weigh In! by Henry Alford ( www.vanityfair.com )
- 20160517 : 6 Warning Signs Youre Dating a Narcissist ( Jan 17, 2015 , www.huffingtonpost.com )
- 20160517 : Are You Dating a Narcissist ( www.huffingtonpost.com )
- 20160517 : 10 Signs Youre In Love With A Narcopath ( www.huffingtonpost.com )
- 20160517 : 7 Strategies for Dealing With the Narcissist You Love ( Jun 23, 2014 www.huffingtonpost.com )
- 20160516 : Stockholm Syndrome The Psychological Mystery of Loving an Abuser, Page 1 ( counsellingresource.com )
- 20160516 : https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/29dhay/good_movies_about_narcissistic/ ( www.reddit.com )
- 20160516 : Barack Obama – Narcissist or Merely Narcissistic? ( lettingfreedomring.com )
- 20160516 : Dr. Sam Vaknin - Barack Obama Is a Narcissist ( www.snopes.com )
- 20160515 : The Truth About Donald Trump's Narcissism by Jeffrey Kluger ( Aug. 11, 2015 , /time.com )
- 20160515 : 10 Great Self-Absorbed, Narcissistic Movie Assholes The Playlist ( blogs.indiewire.com )
- 20160515 : Famous Narcissistic Movie Characters - ( May 14, 2013 , The Narcissistic Life )
- 20160501 : 10 tactics for child custody battles with sociopaths by Donna Andersen ( May 5, 2008 , Lovefraud.com )
- 20160412 : When Evil Is a Pretty Face Narcissistic Females the Pathological Relationship Agenda by Zari Ballard ( www.amazon.com )
- 20160407 : Characteristics Associated with Cultic Groups - Revised ( csj.org )
- 20160407 : The Confidence Game Why We Fall for It... Every Time by Maria Konnikova ( amazon.com )
- 20160405 : Catherine Zeta-Jones speaks out about her battle with manic depression ( Nov 14, 2012 , Telegraph )
- 20160328 : Splitting Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Bill Eddy, Randi K ( Splitting Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder Bill Eddy, Randi K, Mar 28, 2016 )
- 20160328 : The Dance of Anger A Womans Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships ( Amazon.com )
- 20160326 : Divorce Movies Worth Watching by Alison Heller ( Divorce Movies Worth Watching, Mar 26, 2016 )
- 20160323 : A Separation Peyman Moaadi, Shahab Hosseini, Sareh Bayat, Leila Hatami ( Amazon )
- 20160322 : The Vampire's Bite Victims of Narcissists Speak Out by Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. ( Apr 23, 2014 , Psychology Today )
- 20160322 : The Secret to Spotting Subtle Narcissists ( Mar 16, 2016 , Psychology Today )
- 20160322 : The 5 Most Dangerous Myths About Narcissism (Part 2) ( Feb 17, 2016 , Psychology Today )
- 20160322 : 9 Enlightening Quotes on Narcissists by Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. ( Apr 14, 2014 , Psychology Today )
- 20160322 : Linda Taylor, welfare queen Ronald Reagan made her a notorious American villain. Linda Taylor's other sins were far worse by Josh Levin ( Dec. 19 2013 , slate.com )
- 20160319 : Are You High Maintenance - ( www.nationalmarriage.com )
- 20160316 : Ending a Relationship With a Pathological Liar ( Phoenix Rising )
- 20160315 : Seduction Stage 1 ( Seduction Stage 1 , Mar 15, 2016 )
- 20160315 : Dangerous Liaisons How to Recognize and Escape from Psychopathic Seduction by Claudia Moscovici ( Amazon.com )
- 20160315 : Seduction Stage 1 ( Seduction Stage 1 , Mar 15, 2016 )
- 20160306 : Stress relief from laughter Its no joke ( Mayo Clinic )
- 20160306 : Humor and Mental Health Using Humor to Cope With Stress (Part of Humor and Health Online CEU Course) ( Humor and Mental Health Using Humor to Cope With Stress (Part of Humor and Health Online CEU Course), Mar 06, 2016 )
- 20150624 : Advice for Protecting Elderly Relatives from Sociopaths and Gold Diggers ( Lovefraud.com )
- 20150202 : Its All Your Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything by Bill Eddy ( February 21, 2012 , Amazon.com )
- 20150202 : BIFF Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns by Bill Eddy ( BIFF Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Hostile Emails, Personal Attacks and Social Media Meltdowns , Feb 02, 2015 )
- 20150202 : Recognizing High Conflict Divorce ( Recognizing High Conflict Divorce, )
Notable quotes:
"... Will you get dinner and pick up the kids? Could you call the plumber about the kitchen sink?" ..."
"... everything - ..."
"... "I'll be in bed in a little bit" ..."
"... Do you want to be more mindful about eating healthy foods that'll keep your mind and body at their best? Sign up for our newsletter and join our Eat Well, Feel Great challenge to learn how to fuel your body in the healthiest way possible. We'll deliver tips, challenges and advice to your inbox every day. ..."
When your spouse isn't interested in doing the "work" of marriage, it's easy to feel powerless.
But all isn't lost, said Jeannie Ingram,
a couples therapist based in Nashville, Tennessee.
"The relationship doesn't have to end," she told HuffPost. "The truth is, all relationships need
tuning up from time to time."
Below, Ingram and other experts share the most common signs a spouse has checked out of a marriage
- and what you can do to take matters into your own hands.
1. They spend a lot of time around you but not with you.
It doesn't count as quality time if one of you is
distracted by your smartphone or checking work emails, said
Aaron Anderson, a marriage and
family therapist based in Denver, Colorado.
"If you and your spouse spend a lot of time in the same room but they never do things with you,
they've likely disengaged from the relationship," he told us. "Nobody wants to spend the two hours
after work browsing social media."
Try planning new, exciting things to do together so hopefully "your partner will want
to shut down the computer and turn off their phone to be with you," Anderson said.
2. They never include you in their weekend or after-work plans.
Spending time apart (pursing your hobbies or seeing friends) is essential in a healthy marriage.
It keeps the mystery alive. But spend too much time apart and you're well on your way to
living separate lives, said Becky Whetstone, a
marriage and family therapist who works in Little Rock, Arkansas.
"If your S.O feels disillusioned with the marriage, they might cope by distracting themselves
with things they enjoy that that don't involve you," she said.
To figure out why they're disengaging, broach the conversation in a calm manner, at a time that
works for the two of you, Whetstone said.
"Therapists call this 'coming toward your partner,'" she said. "Watch the tone of your voice and
your body language and find the right time - not in the middle of something hectic. Ask, 'Hey, what's
up? I've noticed you pulling away lately.'"
Most importantly, don't lash out if their answer upsets you. "Make it safe for them to reply or
they're not likely to open up again after that," Whetstone said.
3. They never ask, "How was your day?"
If your conversations are limited to household logistics (" Will you get dinner and pick up
the kids? Could you call the plumber about the kitchen sink?" ) and your S.O. seems disinterested
in how you're doing, your marriage may be in trouble, Anderson said.
"When someone checks out of a relationship, they stop caring about their partner as much," he
said. "They don't ask you how work is going, how your family is doing or even if you got that promotion
you wanted."
To show that your marriage is still very much a priority - and that you, at least, care about
them - make it a point to vocalize that.
"Just because they've checked out doesn't mean you have to," Anderson said, "And after they see
how much you care, they might just start caring more, too."
4. They aren't interested in sex.
The thrill is gone - and your S.O. seems entirely OK with that. Why might that be the case? Oftentimes,
partners avoid physical intimacy after they've been hurt emotionally, said Ingram.
"In the beginning, couples in love are so intoxicated with each other that they share everything
- they allow themselves to be fully vulnerable," said Ingram.
But that same vulnerability also opens you up to hurt from your partner.
"If you're emotionally hurt, intimacy doesn't feel safe - it's just too vulnerable,"
Ingram said. "Couples need to become conscious of this and be willing to talk about why they avoid
closeness, perhaps in the office of a qualified marriage therapist."
5. They're hyper-critical of your friends and family.
Your partner may not be as forgiving of your parents as you are, but they shouldn't take the liberty
to rag on them any chance they get, Whetstone said.
"It shows disinterest but it's also unacceptable behavior," she said. "Set a boundary and say
something like, 'Please, why so much venom? It hurts me when you throw so much negativity on to me
and my friends and family. What's going on? Obviously you're unhappy about something. Please, let's
talk about it.'"
6. They go to bed at different times.
"I'll be in bed in a little bit" is not as innocent a phrase as you might think, Ingram
said.
"Commonly, couples fall prey to what I call 'functional exits," she said. "These are behaviors
that are part of everyday life, but serve the dual purpose of avoiding intimacy. For example, work,
hobbies, or when you regularly say or hear, 'You go on to bed; I'll be along later.'"
The good news? Mismatched bedtimes and similar problems are easily fixed if you and your partner
are willing to make the effort.
"Exits like these are not necessarily a sign the relationship needs to end, but rather, an indication
that it's time for some work," she reassured.
Do you want to be more mindful about eating healthy foods that'll keep your mind and body at
their best?
Sign up for our newsletter and join our Eat Well, Feel Great challenge to learn how to fuel your
body in the healthiest way possible. We'll deliver tips, challenges and advice to your inbox every
day.
Dalkeith Press
You may have thought that living with your troubled spouse was hard. But now that you've reached
the point of divorce, you probably already know that this can be ever harder. Narcissistic behavior
can be labeled as borderline, sociopathic, narcissistic, or just intolerable, but it all derives
from one fundamental driving force: narcissists can't tolerate criticism, especially public criticism.
And divorcing them is about them most direct and public criticism you can make. You'll know you're
there when your soon-to-be ex spouse begins a campaign of destruction against you. And if you don't
know how to resond and deal with it, it can take a terrible toll.
Surviving the Storm offers practical strategies that can help you reach a settlement with
your soon-to-be ex, in spite of his or her seeming determination to scorch the earth. The key is
understanding that narcissists fear, above all, critical judgment by others. Your decision to divorce
sets these fears in motion. To counter them, you need to know how to split the battlefield, offering
on the one hand a safe alternative in which you get what you need, and on the other a continuing
stream of criticism, judgment, and shame heaped on your soon-to-be ex. In essence, you trade the
safety of silence for the things you need in the settlement.
Surviving the Storm also offers practical boundaries on what you can and can't expect to
do. It explains the impact of divorcing a narcissist on your children, and offers strategies and
tactics to help achieve a custody arrangement that is best for your kids. It explains what parental
alienation is and where to get more help with it. It offers some reflection on the moral issues we
face in divorce, including the Catholic Church's surprising position holding that marriage to a narcissist
is a moral impossibility. Finally, it offers a perspective on healing and the need for new experiences
to move on.
Richard has been helping people deal with the trauma and pain of abusive relationships for nearly
ten years. His other books are
Tears and Healing
, Meaning from
Madness , In Love
and Loving It - Or Not! ,
Tears and Healing
Reflections , and
the Way of Respect
If you've read them, you know his style, and this book is also short and to the point, giving you
the information and insight you need without wading through hundreds of pages you don't need.
Notable quotes:
"... Often described as "drama queens" or "abusive," they too frequently create chaos in situations where others would smoothly deal with the normal differences and disappointments that arise from time to time for all of us. ..."
"... These habits now would suggest to me comorbid diagnoses, that is, a combination of borderline personality emotional hyper-reactivity with narcissistic and/or psychopathic (conning) patterns. ..."
"... manipulation is defined as deception used for personal gain, without concern for victims." ..."
Women, and men, with borderline personality disorder seem not to know how
to stop arguing (link is external).
Often described as "drama queens" or "abusive,"
they too frequently create chaos in situations where others would smoothly deal
with the normal differences and disappointments that arise from time to time
for all of us.
... ... ...
There may well be some individuals with BPD who are genuinely manipulative
or sadistic.
These habits now would suggest to me comorbid diagnoses, that is, a combination
of borderline personality emotional hyper-reactivity with narcissistic and/or
psychopathic (conning) patterns.
In the Journal of Personality Disorders a 2006 an excellent article by Nancy
Nyquist Potter, PhD entitled
"What is Manipulative Behavior Anyway?" (link is external) looked to define
the term manipulative.
In the Hare Psychopathy Checklist (cited in Bowers,
2002) ... manipulation is defined as deception used for personal gain, without
concern for victims."
Notable quotes:
"... A personality disorder characterized by grandiosity; an expectation that others will recognize one's superiority; a lack of empathy, lack of truthfulness, and the tendency to degrade others. ..."
"... Malignant narcissists not only see themselves as superior to others but believe in their superiority to the degree that they view others as relatively worthless, expendable, and justifiably exploitable. ..."
"... This type of narcissism is a defining characteristic of psychopathy/sociopathy and is rooted in an individual's deficient capacity for empathy. It's almost impossible for a person with such shallow feelings and such haughtiness to really care about others or to form a conscience with any of the qualities we typically associate with a humane attitude, which is why most researchers and thinkers on the topic of psychopathy think of psychopaths as individuals without a conscience altogether." ..."
"A personality disorder characterized by grandiosity; an expectation that others
will recognize one's superiority; a lack of empathy, lack of truthfulness, and
the tendency to degrade others.""Narcissism becomes particularly malignant
(i.e. malevolent, dangerous, harmful, incurable) when it goes beyond mere vanity
and excessive self-focus. Malignant narcissists not only see themselves as superior
to others but believe in their superiority to the degree that they view others
as relatively worthless, expendable, and justifiably exploitable.
This type of narcissism is a defining characteristic of psychopathy/sociopathy
and is rooted in an individual's deficient capacity for empathy. It's almost
impossible for a person with such shallow feelings and such haughtiness to really
care about others or to form a conscience with any of the qualities we typically
associate with a humane attitude, which is why most researchers and thinkers
on the topic of psychopathy think of psychopaths as individuals without a conscience
altogether."
"There is nothing about the man that is service-oriented. He's only serving
himself."
https://www.youtube.com/embed/x54z2pRAvtg?rel=0"
We counsel both men and women to take exactly that to which they are entitled by law. In
most no-fault divorce states that is defined as child support (based on a formula that looks at salaries
and a few other variables) plus one-half of any assets the couple has accumulated. If married more
than 10 years, that often means one-half of all assets. We remind them that this will buttress them
against later feelings of bitterness based on feelings of having been cheated. When the mate later
tries to dictate what school the children should attend or what major the college student must select,
it may be helpful to have the resources to defend the interests of the children. If clients believe,
after one year, that they were awarded too much in the divorce settlement, they can still return
the money to their husbands.
Conversely, if someone wants to punish a mate by taking everything, we try to persuade them such
a Pyrrhic victory can produce only everlasting bitterness. More effective than moral persuasion may
be the reminder that such strategies very likely never get consummated. We have had clients, who,
against our advice, spent over $100,000 a year for three years on high-powered lawyers only to get
what we predicted at the beginning: type A visitation (she gets the children during the week; he
gets them Wednesday nights and every other weekend), normal child support, and one-half of all their
assets. Moral and ethical standards for who "deserves" what after a marriage can be a very sticky
business; the highest morality may be to give and receive that which the law, in its flawed wisdom,
mandates.
... Today, if present trends continue, about 40% or more of American children will witness the
breakup of their parents' marriages before the children reach 18 (Bumpass, 1984). This represents
a significant increase over the 1951 to 1960 figures.
The Divorce Settlement
Men and women are often quite clever and quite ruthless about getting the things they want after
a breakup. Sociologists Gerald Marwell and David Schmitt (1967) found that people employed 16
different techniques to get their way. In Table 14.1, using the preceding framework, we have indicated
the "tricks" that those who are divorcing often use to get what they think they deserve in a divorce
settlement (or far more than they know they deserve).
...Whichever parent (mother, father, or both) could take best care of the child should be awarded
custody. In the 1970s, more fathers began to seek sole custody. Sometimes they got it. More commonly,
courts began to award men and women sole custody but give the noncustodial parent visitation rights
that were so ample that it approached joint custody. (Children might be assigned to stay with the
noncustodial parent Wednesdays and every other weekend; or allowed to visit the noncustodial parent
during the Easter and Christmas holiday season plus perhaps six weeks during summer vacations.) Sometimes,
when the parents could get along, the arrangements would be left flexible and vague: providing for
"reasonable visitation."
Today, however, mothers are still generally (90% of the time) granted sole legal and physical
custody; fathers are generally granted liberal visitation-they may get to spend every other weekend,
half of each holiday period, and four to eight weeks in the summer with their children (Bronstein,
1988). Today, legal scholars have begun to push couples toward joint legal and physical custody.
A more egalitarian spirit, the women's movement, the fact that both men and women are often involved
in child rearing, and that both are now in the labor force has led family judges and lawyers to encourage
many couples to share responsibility for their children.
Sole Custody-Pros and Cons
Sometimes one parent should take sole custody of the children. One parent may be mentally
ill, an alcoholic or drug addict, irresponsible, or just plain unwilling to be a parent. Sometimes
couples hate one another so much that it is impossible to share custody. We mentioned earlier
the client who, in spite of our advice, squandered $100,000 a year for three years in a futile attempt
to secure sole custody of her children. Every waking moment with her children she filled them with
subtle to blatant indictments of her husband. She was like the Ancient Mariner, plucking strangers'
sleeves with a bony hand, telling "Her Story." Finally, the courts took the children away from both
parents. Their love of the battle with one another was far stronger than their love for their children.
They found a purpose in life in reviling and vilifying each other.
Frequently, it is easier to raise children alone than to try to negotiate the shoals of a difficult
marriage (Kohen, Brown, & Feldberg, 1979). Single parents no longer are caught in the middle. They
can devise a consistent set of rules and do things their way.
Yet sole parenting is difficult too. Single parents sometimes report an overpowering sense of
responsibility. They are short of money. Eighty-five percent of divorced women received no alimony
at all. In 1985, although 82% of custodian mothers were awarded child support, only 54% received
any; on the average, mothers and children received $200 a month (Ellwood, 1988). When child support
is collected, it pays for less than half of the cost of raising a child (Mason, 1988). Single parents
may feel trapped. It is hard to date, work, or have much of a social life if you are always with
your children. Two mothers stated:
[My major problem was] knowing I had four children on my own to be responsible
for-drying to keep us together, raising two boys to be boys. That was hard. (Spanier
& Casto, 1979, p. 222)
I hate feeling totally responsible for the kids. They're mine completely. At least when
I was married, I could mentally not feel responsible at times. … It gets lonely with
the kids in bed by 8:00. It's an ambiguous role. [I want to go out but] I don't want the
kids to be stuck with a babysitter three or four nights a week. (Spanier & Casto, 1979,
p. 223)
Parents without custody (generally this could read "fathers") suffer as well. Most noncustodial
fathers wish they could have a close relationship with their children. Most men feel guilty about
"deserting" their children. They miss them and long to see them regularly. They worry about how they
will turn out. Even so, visitation may be painful. It is painful to have to deal with an angry ex-mate;
to engage in humiliating power struggles. (Wives may think of the children as "theirs"; they assume
the fathers are incompetent; they may schedule their children's lives in ways that make visitation
difficult or impossible.) Fathers may hesitate to confront children who resent them or who are bored
with them. Fathers may not know how to entertain little strangers over a long weekend. In any case,
most fathers visit their children regularly for two years or so and then things begin to fall apart.
In the end, most fathers rarely see the children of divorce. In one national sample, it was found
that fewer than one-half of divorced fathers had seen their children even once in the preceding 12
months! Fewer than one-sixth of the fathers saw their children once a week. When fathers stopped
visiting, they generally stopped writing or calling as well (Furstenberg, 1983). Both parents and
children are the losers when visitation ends. Daughters may be left with a deep, lifelong yearning
for their fathers. Boys may begin to run wild; their school achievements plummet (Loewen, 1988).
Divorce may cause fathers and children to lose touch with one another permanently. In one study,
most older fathers (53% of fathers 50 to 79 years of age) reported they "frequently" saw their sons
and daughters; few divorced fathers (only 11%) saw their adult children as frequently. Normally,
fathers never lost contact with their adult children; 33% of divorced fathers did (Uhlenberg, 1991).
Notable quotes:
"... So, without further ado, Trump's quotable illustration of the hallmarks of NPD, defined according to DSM-IV as, "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy." The disorder is indicated by at least five of the following: ..."
Donald Trump was born in 1946. 34 years later, in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the American Psychiatric Association's hefty volume of mental disorder
classifications, the term "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" (NPD) first appeared as a diagnosable
disease – Trump would doubtless say it was created in his honor (characteristic #1 of NPD: An exaggerated
sense of self-importance). After all, the newly-minted personality disorder made its debut only nine
years after he took the helm of his father's company… and renamed it from Elizabeth Trump & Son to
The Trump Organization.
The most recent DSM, DSM-IV, is currently under extensive revision, with DSM-V scheduled for publication
sometime in 2013, and both its listed diseases and their definitions are undergoing extensive scrutiny
and contentious debate. On the chopping block are five of the ten or so so-called personality disorders,
including NPD. Among the reasons for the cut are the frequent overlap between disorders, the general
lack of stability of symptoms, and the range of those symptoms in reality, as compared to the either/or
approach of the manual (either you have a disorder or you don't). So, before NPD becomes a thing
of the past, at least in its current form, I thought we'd take a moment to reflect on some less than
artful choices – or the things that make Trump look like he just stepped out of the fourth edition,
symptom by symptom.
A caveat: I am obviously exaggerating, both Trump and narcissism. But debate on personality disorders,
classifications, diagnoses, and treatments is well worthwhile, and a colorful spokesperson never
hurts.
So, without further ado, Trump's quotable illustration of the hallmarks of NPD, defined according
to DSM-IV as, "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration,
and lack of empathy." The disorder is indicated by at least five of the following:
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects
to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
A sense of one's own importance, a grandiose feeling that one is alone responsible for any achievement
is a hallmark of the narcissist. Grandiosity is one of the central tenets of a narcissistic personality.
Narcissists tend to take credit for everything, as if no one else contributed to the end product.
Witness Trump's declaration that, "When people see the beautiful marble in Trump Tower, they usually
have no idea what I went through personally to achieve the end result. No one cares about the blood,
sweat, and tears that art or beauty require." What do you know: not only is Trump a developer and
an artistic visionary, but he seems to be a stellar architect and construction worker as well.
And history will agree (naturally). "Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly
mistaken," says Trump. Sadly, indeed.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
How many presidential runs does it take for the process to be defined as a preoccupation rather
than an occupation?
I'd leave it at that, except for the existence of this little gem: "My fingers are long and beautiful,
as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body." Not only all-powerful, but
all-beautiful, too. The man has it all.
3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other
special or high-status people (or institutions) To narcissists, the "little people" or anyone
beneath them (which is mostly everyone) don't matter. Trump's lambasting of Rosie O'Donnell is a
good case in point: "Rosie O'Donnell called me a snake oil salesman. And, you know, coming from Rosie,
that's pretty low because when you look at her and when you see the mind, the mind is weak. I don't
see it. I don't get it. I never understood – how does she even get on television?"
Clearly, Rosie lacks the power to understand the dazzling intellect that is Donald Trump. Trump
needs someone of equal status to appreciate his immensity. But it can't be Larry King, because as
he told King, "Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. It really is.
Has this been told to you before?"
4. Requires excessive admiration No matter the sincerity, as long as the praise comes frequently
and at a high enough volume. Says Trump, "All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously
or unconsciously. That's to be expected." Clearly. Admired, wherever he may go, even when he's talking
about himself in the third person, as in, "Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about
what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on
as his money."
As he puts it, "Nobody but a total masochist wants to be criticized."
5. Has a sense of entitlement The world owes the narcissist everything; he, in turn, owes
it nothing. I think Trump's attitude can be summed up with this approach to marriage: "I wish I'd
had a great marriage. See, my father was always very proud of me, but the one thing he got right
was that he had a great marriage. He was married for 64 years. One of my ex-wives once said to me,
'You have to work at a marriage.' And I said, 'That's the most ridiculous thing.'"
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends I don't have a quote for
this one, but perhaps we can talk to one of his ex-wives.
7. Lacks empathy Narcissists don't sympathize with the feelings of others. Who are these
"others," anyway? No one matters except for me. I won't recreate the Rosie rampage in full, but sentiments
like, "I'll sue her because it would be fun. I'd like to take some money out of her fat ass pockets,"
capture the spirit.
8. Is often envious of others or believes others to be envious of him Here, it seems like
Trump is dominated by the second sentiment, the expectation that everyone is envious of his success.
Everyone wants to be Trump. As he puts it, "The old rich may look down their noses at me, but I think
they kiss my ass."
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes Again,
other people don't matter. They can be treated like nothing, because who are we kidding – nothing
is the closest description of what they are.
Clients don't matter. As Trump puts it, "When I build something for somebody, I always add $50
million or $60 million onto the price. My guys come in, they say it's going to cost $75 million.
I say it's going to cost $125 million, and I build it for $100 million. Basically, I did a lousy
job. But they think I did a great job." Take them for the suckers they are; that's the ticket.
The media doesn't matter. According to Trump, "You know, it really doesn't matter what (the media)
write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass." The piece of ass doesn't matter,
either; any will do.
Other businesses don't matter. As Trump says, "If you want to buy something, it's obviously in
your best interest to convince the seller that what he's got isn't worth very much."
But it's ok. Trump doesn't have to be nice. After all, it's not like he wants to run for office
or anything: "I'm not running for office. I don't have to be politically correct. I don't have to
be a nice person. Like I watch some of these weak-kneed politicians, it's disgusting. I don't have
to be that way."
Too bad. We need a good candidate. Because according to Trump, "One of the key problems today
is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don't go into government."
Notable quotes:
"... Narcissism is a defense mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a " False Self " which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is then used by the narcissist to garner narcissistic supply from his human environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention, both positive and negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense of self-worth. ..."
"... Many narcissists are over-achievers and ambitious. Some of them are even talented and skilled. But they are incapable of team work because they cannot tolerate setbacks. They are easily frustrated and demoralized and are unable to cope with disagreement and criticism. Though some narcissists have meteoric and inspiring careers, in the long-run, all of them find it difficult to maintain long-term professional achievements and the respect and appreciation of their peers. The narcissist's fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with his or her real accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap"). ..."
"... An important distinction is between cerebral and somatic narcissists. The cerebrals derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements and the somatics derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests". ..."
"... Subtly misrepresents facts and expediently and opportunistically shifts positions, views, opinions, and "ideals" (e.g., about campaign finance, re-districting). These flip-flops do not cause him overt distress and are ego-syntonic (he feels justified in acting this way). Alternatively, reuses to commit to a standpoint and, in the process, evidences a lack of empathy. ..."
"... Narcissism is regarded by many scholars to be an adaptative strategy ("healthy narcissism"). ..."
"... Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. The narcissist projects a False Self and manages all his social interactions through this concocted fictional construct. ..."
"... When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry at themselves for having they failed to see through the narcissist earlier on. ..."
"... The narcissist instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor. This depends on how the narcissist appraises the potential his converser has as a Narcissistic Supply Source. The narcissist flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her. ..."
"... In general, the narcissist always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most effective methods of exposing a narcissist is by trying to delve deeper. The narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades. The narcissist never admits to ignorance in any field yet, typically, he is ignorant of them all. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the narcissist's self-proclaimed omniscience. ..."
"... In general, the narcissist is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can publicly dissect all aspects of the intimate life of a narcissist without repercussions, providing the discourse is not "emotionally tinted". ..."
Barack Obama appears to be
a narcissist . Granted, only
a qualified mental health diagnostician (which I am not) can determine whether someone suffers from
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. But, in
the absence of access to Barack Obama, one has to rely on his overt performance and on testimonies
by his closest, nearest and dearest.
Narcissistic leaders are nefarious and their effects pernicious. They are subtle, refined, socially-adept,
manipulative, possessed of thespian skills, and convincing. Both types equally lack empathy and are
ruthless and relentless or driven.
Perhaps it is time to require each candidate to high office in the USA to submit to a rigorous
physical and mental checkup with the results made public.
I. Upbringing and Childhood
Obama's early life was decidedly chaotic and replete with traumatic and mentally bruising dislocations.
Mixed-race marriages were even less common then. His parents went through a divorce when he was an
infant (two years old). Obama saw his father only once again, before he died in a car accident. Then,
his mother re-married and Obama had to relocate to
Indonesia : a foreign land with
a radically foreign culture, to be raised by a step-father. At the age of ten, he was whisked off
to live with his maternal (white) grandparents. He saw his mother only intermittently in the following
few years and then she vanished from his life in 1979. She died of cancer in 1995.
Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early
adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial: the perpetrators could be dysfunctional
or absent parents, teachers, other adults, or peers.
II. Behavior Patterns
The narcissist:
- Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills,
contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without
commensurate achievements);
- Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence,
unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic
narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
- Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood
by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people
(or institutions);
- Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation or, failing that, wishes
to be feared and to be notorious (
Narcissistic Supply
);
- Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable
expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
- Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
- Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept
the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
- Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration.
Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about
him or her and are likely to act similarly;
- Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible,
immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (
magical thinking ).
Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him
or her and unworthy.
Narcissism is a defense
mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a "
False Self "
which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is then used by the narcissist
to garner narcissistic supply from his human environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention,
both positive and negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense
of self-worth.
Perhaps the most immediately evident trait of patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) is their vulnerability to criticism and disagreement. Subject to negative input, real or imagined,
even to a mild rebuke, a constructive suggestion, or an offer to help, they feel injured, humiliated
and empty and they react with disdain (devaluation), rage, and defiance.
From my book "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited":
"To avoid such intolerable pain, some patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask their underlying
grandiosity . Dysthymic
and depressive disorders are common reactions to isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy."
Due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement,
and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply), narcissists are rarely able to maintain
functional and healthy interpersonal relationships.
Many narcissists are over-achievers and ambitious. Some of them are even talented and skilled.
But they are incapable of team work because they cannot tolerate setbacks. They are easily frustrated
and demoralized and are unable to cope with disagreement and criticism. Though some narcissists
have meteoric and inspiring careers, in the long-run, all of them find it difficult to maintain
long-term professional achievements and the respect and appreciation of their peers. The narcissist's
fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with
his or her real accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap").
An important distinction is between cerebral and somatic narcissists. The cerebrals derive
their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements and the somatics derive
their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic
or physical "conquests".
Another crucial division within the ranks of patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) is between the classic variety (those who meet five of the nine diagnostic criteria included
in the DSM), and the compensatory kind (their narcissism compensates for deep-set feelings of
inferiority and lack of self-worth).
Obama displays the following behaviors, which are among the hallmarks of pathological narcissism:
- Subtly misrepresents facts and expediently and opportunistically shifts positions, views,
opinions, and "ideals" (e.g., about campaign finance, re-districting). These flip-flops do not
cause him overt distress and are ego-syntonic (he feels justified in acting this way). Alternatively,
reuses to commit to a standpoint and, in the process, evidences a lack of empathy.
- Ignores data that conflict with his fantasy world, or with his inflated and grandiose self-image.
This has to do with magical thinking. Obama already sees himself as president because he is firmly
convinced that his dreams, thoughts, and wishes affect reality. Additionally, he denies the gap
between his fantasies and his modest or limited real-life achievements (for instance, in 12 years
of academic career, he hasn't published a single scholarly paper or book).
- Feels that he is above the law, incl. and especially his own laws.
- Talks about himself in the 3rd person singluar or uses the regal "we" and craves to be the
exclusive center of attention, even adulation
- Have a messianic-cosmic vision of himself and his life and his "mission".
- Sets ever more complex rules in a convoluted world of grandiose fantasies with its own language
(jargon)
- Displays false modesty and unctuous "folksiness" but unable to sustain these behaviors (the
persona, or mask) for long. It slips and the true Obama is revealed: haughty, aloof, distant,
and disdainful of simple folk and their lives.
- Sublimates aggression and holds grudges.
- Behaves as an eternal adolescent (e.g., his choice of language, youthful image he projects,
demands indulgence and feels entitled to special treatment, even though his objective accomplishments
do not justify it).
III. Body Language
Many complain of the incredible deceptive powers of the narcissist. They find themselves involved
with narcissists (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have a chance to discover their
true character. Shocked by the later revelation, they mourn their inability to separate from the
narcissist and their gullibility.
Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture. Even
an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access to the record and to the person
examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone
suffers from a full fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder or merely possesses narcissistic traits,
a narcissistic style, a personality structure ("character"), or a narcissistic "overlay" superimposed
on another mental health problem.
Moreover, it is important to distinguish between traits and behavior patterns that are independent
of the patient's cultural-social context (i.e., which are inherent, or idiosyncratic) and reactive
patterns, or conformity to cultural and social morals and norms. Reactions to severe life crises
or circumstances are also often characterized by transient pathological narcissism, for instance
(Ronningstam and Gunderson, 1996). But such reactions do not a narcissist make.
When a person belongs to a society or culture that has often been described as narcissistic by
scholars (such as Theodore Millon) and social thinkers (e.g., Christopher Lasch) how much of his
behavior can be attributed to his milieu and which of his traits are really his?
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is rigorously defined in the DSM IV-TR with a set of strict
criteria and differential diagnoses.
Narcissism is regarded by many scholars to be an adaptative strategy ("healthy narcissism"). It
is considered pathological in the clinical sense only when it becomes a rigid personality structure
replete with a series of primitive defence mechanisms (such as splitting, projection, projective
identification, or intellectualization) and when it leads to dysfunctions in one or more areas of
the patient's life.
Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. The narcissist projects a False Self and manages
all his social interactions through this concocted fictional construct.
When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable
to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry at themselves for
having they failed to see through the narcissist earlier on.
But the narcissist does emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals ("presenting symptoms") even in
a first or casual encounter. Compare the following list to Barack Obama's body language during his
public appearances.
These are:
- "Haughty" body language. The narcissist adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an
air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused indifference, etc. Though the
narcissist usually maintains sustained and piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical
proximity (he is "territorial").
The narcissist takes part in social interactions, even mere banter, condescendingly, from a position
of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain
the "observer", or the "lone wolf".
- Entitlement markers. The narcissist immediately asks for "special treatment" of some kind. Not
to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority
figures (and not to their assistants or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy
custom tailored arrangements – or to get served first.
The narcissist is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided attention of the
head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or latches on to celebrities in a party.
The narcissist reacts with rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated equally with
others whom he deems inferior.
- Idealization or devaluation. The narcissist instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor.
This depends on how the narcissist appraises the potential his converser has as a Narcissistic Supply
Source. The narcissist flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated
and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her.
- Narcissists are polite only in the presence of a potential Supply Source. But they are unable
to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to
verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
- The "membership" posture. The narcissist always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very same time,
he maintains his stance as an outsider. The narcissist seeks to be admired for his ability to integrate
and ingratiate himself without investing the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
For instance: if the narcissist talks to a psychologist, the narcissist first states emphatically
that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make seemingly effortless use of obscure professional
terms, thus demonstrating that he mastered the discipline all the same, as an autodidact, which proves
that he is exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
In general, the narcissist always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most effective methods
of exposing a narcissist is by trying to delve deeper. The narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending
to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades. The narcissist
never admits to ignorance in any field yet, typically, he is ignorant of them all. It is surprisingly
easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the narcissist's self-proclaimed omniscience.
- Bragging and false autobiography. The narcissist brags incessantly. His speech is peppered with
"I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive,
or creative but always excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
The narcissist's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements incommensurate
with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is evidently and demonstrably incompatible
with his claims. Very often, the narcissist lies or his fantasies are easily discernible. He always
name-drops and appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments.
- Emotion-free language. The narcissist likes to talk about himself and only about himself. He is
not interested in others or what they have to say, unless they constitute potential Sources of Supply
and in order to obtain said supply. He acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels that they
are intruding on his precious time and, thus, abusing him.
In general, the narcissist is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits unless
and until he is the topic of discussion. One can publicly dissect all aspects of the intimate life
of a narcissist without repercussions, providing the discourse is not "emotionally tinted".
If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the narcissist intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks
about himself in the third person and in a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with
a fictitious character in it, suspiciously autobiographical. Narcissists like to refer to themselves
in mechanical terms, as efficient automata or machines.
- Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion. The narcissist is dead serious about himself.
He may possess a subtle, wry, and riotous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but rarely is he
self-deprecating. The narcissist regards himself as being on a constant mission, whose importance
is cosmic and whose consequences are global. If a scientist, he is always in the throes of revolutionizing
science. If a journalist, he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If a novelist, he is on
his way to a Booker or Nobel prize.
This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement. The narcissist
is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted
by him as belittling, intruding, or coercive. His time is more valuable than others' therefore, it
cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as mere banter or going out for a walk.
Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the narcissist as intentional
humiliation, implying that the narcissist is in need of help and counsel and, thus, imperfect and
less than omnipotent. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the narcissist, an intimidating act of
enslavement. In this sense, the narcissist is both schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas
of reference.
These, the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the constricted
sense of humor, the unequal treatment and the paranoia render the narcissist a social misfit. The
narcissist is able to provoke in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist,
the strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation and consternation,
he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression.
He is perceived to be asocial at best and, often, antisocial. This, perhaps, is the strongest
presenting symptom. One feels ill at ease in the presence of a narcissist for no apparent reason.
No matter how charming, intelligent, thought provoking, outgoing, easy going and social the narcissist
is – he fails to secure the sympathy of others, a sympathy he is never ready, willing, or able to
reciprocate.
IV. Narcissistic and psychopathic Leaders
The narcissistic or psychopathic leader is the culmination and reification of his period, culture,
and civilization. He is likely to rise to prominence in narcissistic societies.
The malignant narcissist invents and then projects a false, fictitious, self for the world to
fear, or to admire. He maintains a tenuous grasp on reality to start with and this is further exacerbated
by the trappings of power. The narcissist's grandiose self-delusions and fantasies of omnipotence
and omniscience are supported by real life authority and the narcissist's predilection to surround
himself with obsequious sycophants.
The narcissist's personality is so precariously balanced that he cannot tolerate even a hint of
criticism and disagreement. Most narcissists are paranoid and suffer from ideas of reference (the
delusion that they are being mocked or discussed when they are not). Thus, narcissists often regard
themselves as "victims of persecution".
The narcissistic leader fosters and encourages a personality cult with all the hallmarks of an
institutional religion: priesthood, rites, rituals, temples, worship, catechism, mythology. The leader
is this religion's ascetic saint. He monastically denies himself earthly pleasures (or so he claims)
in order to be able to dedicate himself fully to his calling.
The narcissistic leader is a monstrously inverted Jesus, sacrificing his life and denying himself
so that his people – or humanity at large – should benefit. By surpassing and suppressing his humanity,
the narcissistic leader became a distorted version of Nietzsche's "superman".
But being a-human or super-human also means being a-sexual and a-moral.
In this restricted sense, narcissistic leaders are post-modernist and moral relativists. They
project to the masses an androgynous figure and enhance it by engendering the adoration of nudity
and all things "natural" – or by strongly repressing these feelings. But what they refer to as "nature"
is not natural at all.
The narcissistic leader invariably proffers an aesthetic of decadence and evil carefully orchestrated
and artificial – though it is not perceived this way by him or by his followers. Narcissistic leadership
is about reproduced copies, not about originals. It is about the manipulation of symbols – not about
veritable atavism or true conservatism.
In short: narcissistic leadership is about theatre, not about life. To enjoy the spectacle (and
be subsumed by it), the leader demands the suspension of judgment, depersonalization, and de-realization.
Catharsis is tantamount, in this narcissistic dramaturgy, to self-annulment.
Narcissism is nihilistic not only operationally, or ideologically. Its very language and narratives
are nihilistic. Narcissism is conspicuous nihilism – and the cult's leader serves as a role model,
annihilating the Man, only to re-appear as a pre-ordained and irresistible force of nature.
Narcissistic leadership often poses as a rebellion against the "old ways" – against the hegemonic
culture, the upper classes, the established religions, the superpowers, the corrupt order. Narcissistic
movements are puerile, a reaction to narcissistic injuries inflicted upon a narcissistic (and rather
psychopathic) toddler nation-state, or group, or upon the leader.
Minorities or "others" – often arbitrarily selected – constitute a perfect, easily identifiable,
embodiment of all that is "wrong". They are accused of being old, they are eerily disembodied, they
are cosmopolitan, they are part of the establishment, they are "decadent", they are hated on religious
and socio-economic grounds, or because of their race, sexual orientation, origin … They are different,
they are narcissistic (feel and act as morally superior), they are everywhere, they are defenceless,
they are credulous, they are adaptable (and thus can be co-opted to collaborate in their own destruction).
They are the perfect hate figure. Narcissists thrive on hatred and pathological envy.
This is precisely the source of the fascination with Hitler, diagnosed by Erich Fromm – together
with Stalin – as a malignant narcissist. He was an inverted human. His unconscious was his conscious.
He acted out our most repressed drives, fantasies, and wishes. He provides us with a glimpse of the
horrors that lie beneath the veneer, the barbarians at our personal gates, and what it was like before
we invented civilization. Hitler forced us all through a time warp and many did not emerge. He was
not the devil. He was one of us. He was what Arendt aptly called the banality of evil. Just an ordinary,
mentally disturbed, failure, a member of a mentally disturbed and failing nation, who lived through
disturbed and failing times. He was the perfect mirror, a channel, a voice, and the very depth of
our souls.
The narcissistic leader prefers the sparkle and glamour of well-orchestrated illusions to the
tedium and method of real accomplishments. His reign is all smoke and mirrors, devoid of substances,
consisting of mere appearances and mass delusions. In the aftermath of his regime – the narcissistic
leader having died, been deposed, or voted out of office – it all unravels. The tireless and constant
prestidigitation ceases and the entire edifice crumbles. What looked like an economic miracle turns
out to have been a fraud-laced bubble. Loosely-held empires disintegrate. Laboriously assembled business
conglomerates go to pieces. "Earth shattering" and "revolutionary" scientific discoveries and theories
are discredited. Social experiments end in mayhem.
It is important to understand that the use of violence must be ego-syntonic. It must accord with
the self-image of the narcissist. It must abet and sustain his grandiose fantasies and feed his sense
of entitlement. It must conform with the narcissistic narrative.
Thus, a narcissist who regards himself as the benefactor of the poor, a member of the common folk,
the representative of the disenfranchised, the champion of the dispossessed against the corrupt elite
– is highly unlikely to use violence at first.
The pacific mask crumbles when the narcissist has become convinced that the very people he purported
to speak for, his constituency, his grassroots fans, the prime sources of his narcissistic supply
– have turned against him. At first, in a desperate effort to maintain the fiction underlying his
chaotic personality, the narcissist strives to explain away the sudden reversal of sentiment. "The
people are being duped by (the media, big industry, the military, the elite, etc.)", "they don't
really know what they are doing", "following a rude awakening, they will revert to form", etc.
When these flimsy attempts to patch a tattered personal mythology fail – the narcissist is injured.
Narcissistic injury inevitably leads to narcissistic rage and to a terrifying display of unbridled
aggression. The pent-up frustration and hurt translate into devaluation. That which was previously
idealized – is now discarded with contempt and hatred.
This primitive defense mechanism is called "splitting". To the narcissist, things and people are
either entirely bad (evil) or entirely good. He projects onto others his own shortcomings and negative
emotions, thus becoming a totally good object. A narcissistic leader is likely to justify the butchering
of his own people by claiming that they intended to kill him, undo the revolution, devastate the
economy, or the country, etc.
The "small people", the "rank and file", the "loyal soldiers" of the narcissist – his flock, his
nation, his employees – they pay the price. The disillusionment and disenchantment are agonizing.
The process of reconstruction, of rising from the ashes, of overcoming the trauma of having been
deceived, exploited and manipulated – is drawn-out. It is difficult to trust again, to have faith,
to love, to be led, to collaborate. Feelings of shame and guilt engulf the erstwhile followers of
the narcissist. This is his sole legacy: a massive post-traumatic stress disorder.
DISCLAIMER
I am not a mental health professional. Still, I have dedicated the last 12 years to the study
of personality disorders in general and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in particular.
I have authored nine (9) books about these topics, one of which is a Barnes and Noble best-seller
("Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"). My work is widely cited in scholarly tomes and publications
and in the media. My books and the content of my Web site are based on correspondence since 1996
with hundreds of people suffering from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (narcissists) and with
thousands of their family members, friends, therapists, and colleagues.
Notable quotes:
"... the narcissist is someone who has "buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self." ..."
"... In our highly individualistic and externally driven society, mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only pervasive but often encouraged. ..."
"... It is more accurate to characterize the pathological narcissist as someone who's in love with an idealized self-image , which they project in order to avoid feeling (and being seen as) the real, disenfranchised, wounded self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the "ugly duckling," even if they painfully don't want to admit it. ..."
"... Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions. ..."
"... "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others" - Paramhansa Yogananda ..."
"... Making decisions for others to suit one's own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams , or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws. ..."
Be on the lookout for these, before you get manipulated.
"That's enough of me talking about myself; let's hear you talk about me"
― Anonymous
"It's not easy being superior to everyone I know."
― Anonymous
Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that the narcissist is someone who has "buried his true
self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory
false self." This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, "above
others," self-absorbed, and highly conceited. In our highly individualistic and externally driven
society, mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only pervasive but often encouraged.
Narcissism is often interpreted in popular culture as a person who's in
love with him
or herself. It is more accurate to characterize the pathological narcissist as someone who's
in love with an idealized
self-image , which
they project in order to avoid feeling (and being seen as) the real, disenfranchised, wounded self.
Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the "ugly duckling," even if they painfully don't
want to admit it.
How do you know when you're dealing with a narcissist? The following are some telltale signs,
excerpted from my book (click on title): "
How to Successfully Handle Narcissists
(link is external) ". While most of us are
guilty of some of the
following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to dwell habitually in
several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how his
or her actions affect others.
1. Conversation Hoarder . The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself,
and doesn't give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views
and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it's not in agreement with the narcissist, your
comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored. As in: "My father's favorite responses
to my views were: 'but…,' 'actually…,' and 'there's more to it than this…' He always has to feel
like he knows better." ― Anonymous
2. Conversation Interrupter. While many people have the poor communication habit
of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself.
He shows little genuine interest in you.
3. Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and
social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking
multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws. As in: "I take pride in persuading people to give
me exceptions to their rules" ― Anonymous
4. Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people's thoughts, feelings,
possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity.
Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little
remorse and blames the victim for one's own lack of respect. As in: "It's your fault that I forgot
because you didn't remind me"― Anonymous
5. False Image Projection. Many narcissists like to do things to impress others
by making themselves look good externally. This "trophy" complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically,
sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally.
In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent
the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate "real" self. These grandstanding "merit badges"
are often exaggerated. The underlying message of this type of display is: "I'm better than you!"
or "Look at how special I am-I'm worthy of everyone's love, admiration, and acceptance!" as in: "I
dyed my hair blond and enlarged my breasts to get men's attention-and to make other women
jealous " - Anonymous.
Or "My accomplishments are everything" ― Anonymous executive Or "I never want to be looked upon as
poor. My fiancé and I each drive a Mercedes. The best man at our upcoming wedding also drives a Mercedes."
― Anonymous.
In a big way, these external symbols become pivotal parts of the narcissist's false identity,
replacing the real and injured self.
6. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others.
They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return.
In their mindset, the world revolves around them.
7. Charmer. Narcissists can be very
charismatic and persuasive.
When they're interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and
wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they've gotten what they want,
or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and
sociable, as long as you're fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.
8. Grandiose Personality. Thinking of oneself as a hero or heroine, a prince
or princess, or one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance,
believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions. As
in: "I'm looking for a man who will treat my daughter and me like princesses" ― Anonymous
singles ad. Or: "Once again I saved the day-without me, they're nothing" ― Anonymous
9. Negative Emotions. Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative
emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily
upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree
with their views, or fail to meet their expectations. They are extremely sensitive to criticism,
and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand,
narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you. Some narcissists are emotionally
abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.
As in: "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others" - Paramhansa Yogananda
10. Manipulation: Using Others as an Extension of Self. Making decisions
for others to suit one's own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend,
or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized
dreams , or cover up
self-perceived inadequacies and flaws. As in: "If my son doesn't grow up to be a professional
baseball player, I'll disown him" ― Anonymous father. Or: "Aren't you beautiful? Aren't you beautiful?
You're going to be just as pretty as mommy" ― Anonymous mother
Another way narcissists manipulate is through guilt, such as proclaiming, "I've given you so much,
and you're so ungrateful," or, "I'm a victim-you must help me or you're not a good person." They
hijack your emotions, and beguile you to make unreasonable sacrifices.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a difficult narcissist, there are many strategies
and skills you can utilize to help restore
health , balance, and
respect. In my book (click on title): "
How to Successfully Handle Narcissists
(link is external) ," you'll learn how to maintain composure, ways to be proactive instead of
reactive, seven powerful strategies to handle narcissists, eight ways to say "no" diplomatically
but firmly, keys to negotiate successfully with narcissists, and seven types of power you can utilize
to compel cooperation
.
For more on dealing with difficult people, see my publications (click on titles):
Follow me on Twitter
(link is external) , Facebook (link
is external) , and LinkedIn
(link is external) !
Preston Ni, M.S.B.A. is available as a presenter, workshop facilitator, and private
coach. For more information, write to [email protected]
(link sends e-mail) , or visit www.nipreston.com
(link is external) .
Old News ;-)
4 Warning Signs You're Dating a Narcissist World of Psychology
That is what a relationship with a narcissist is like. In the beginning there's flash and excitement.
Their presence is magnetic and he or she seems larger than life. They are intelligent, charming,
and popular, and when they're the center of attention, some of the spotlight shines on you, too,
leaving you glowing with pride, importance, and accomplishment. Yet after a while, you discover
that under the surface the relationship is hollow. Soon, the excitement and status wear thin.
This is because a true narcissist lacks inner qualities necessary for a healthy bond: empathic
perspective-taking, a moral conscience, stable confidence, and the ability to be intimate and
genuine with another human being. Being in a relationship with a narcissist (especially if you
don't realize they are one) can leave you feeling worthless, emotionally exhausted, and unfulfilled.
So how can you know if you are in this kind of "hollow chocolate bunny" relationship before
it crashes and burns in heartache? Do you have to wait until your relationship sours to find out?
Not necessarily. Spotting the signs early means being able to avoid getting entangled in a narcissist's
web, and could spare you from doing the challenging, messy work of digging yourself out later.
Here's a few signs to look for in your partner, which may signal that the person you are dating
has narcissistic tendencies, and the negative effects those behaviors can have on you:
1. He poses as "The Most Interesting Man in the World."
A narcissist may initially intrigue you with his or her apparent confidence, swagger, or audacity,
regaling you with stories about accomplishments, rubbing elbows with influential people, or their
innumerable talents and gifts. He or she may seem fun and magnetic, always the center of attention
and the life of the party, but this may actually be a facade - a ploy to satisfy the narcissist's
pathological need for praise and reassurance. You may come to find out that the stories are exaggerated
(or altogether false), their confidence is artificial and fragile, and his or her need for attention
may trump good judgment or others' needs.
2. You feel talked down to.
Because narcissists deeply lack self-esteem, almost everything else in their lives is orchestrated
to hide their weaknesses and give them a temporary sense of power and success. This can take the
form of subtle insults that cause you to question your worth, such as a dismissive sneer when
you make an observation, a condescending "that's nice" when you share an accomplishment you're
proud of, or demeaning comments about your behavior or appearance.
When you look to a partner who is a narcissist, it can feel like you're looking into a funhouse
mirror and getting back a distorted view of yourself. Your flaws seem to be highlighted and your
strengths diminished - a careful ruse constructed to ensure the narcissist holds themselves in
a more flattering light.
3. She acts like the victim.
Narcissism also is characterized by extreme self-centeredness. Anything that is outside the
narcissist's experience or that contradicts his or her beliefs is wrong, foolish, or crazy. For
this reason, a conflict with a narcissist is almost certain to end with all the blame being directed
to you. This, combined with the funhouse mirror effect, can make even minor arguments emotionally
exhausting.
Nothing you say can convince the narcissist that you're not making intentional and irrational
attacks against him or her. In the narcissist's eyes, you're somehow responsible for their sadness,
anger, or even immoral behavior.
4. Your relationship feels one-sided and shallow.
When it's time to move from casual to committed, this is where the "hollow chocolate bunny"
effect of narcissism really shows through. A relationship with a narcissist is unlikely ever to
reach greater depths of sharing, emotion, and intimacy.
A narcissist is likely to spend time with you when it suits his or her emotional, physical,
or sexual needs, and dismiss or ignore your needs, desires, and preferences. Your time together
is likely to be marked by a lack of genuine interest in anything other than him- or herself. For
example, you could get late-night calls when he or she is distraught, excited, or wants something
but similar calls from you may not even be answered. Attempts to share your deeper thoughts, beliefs,
or feelings may be given lip service, ignored, or dismissed.
If these seem to describe your current relationship, don't panic. In fact, seize the opportunity
to reflect and evaluate your twosome. These red flags may help shed light on the dysfunction you're
bearing and guide you away from further pain. If you want to make things work, there are ways
to cope with dating or living with a narcissist, including developing conflict-resolution skills
and bolstering your own confidence and self-esteem to shield you against narcissistic attacks.
Ultimately, knowledge is power. Being aware of signs of narcissism (and some of the problems
that can arise from dating a narcissist) allows you to be prepared and to make informed decisions
about the relationship.
The Huffington Post | Brittany Wong | Posted 01.14.2016 |
Divorce
Read More:
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Narcissist,
Dating a Narcissist,
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With a Narcissist,
How to Spot
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Toxic Relationships,
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It's easy to fall for a narcissist: they're charming, polished and quick to get in your good graces
with compliments and constant attention. Once you ...
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YourTango | Posted 12.03.2015 |
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What do you get when you cross a sociopath with a narcissist?
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There are definitely fairy tale stories out there of two people falling madly in love with each
other right at the get go and spending their lives happily ever after, but that is generally not
the norm. Keep your guard up the more intensely the person is into you and the earlier on it occurs.
Read Whole Story
Divorced Moms | Posted 03.19.2015 |
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Could you be dating a narcissist and not even know it?
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Melissa Schenker | Posted 09.22.2014 |
Women
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A narcissist can seem to love you. A narcissist can make it look like love. A narcissist can say
the words of love. A narcissist can think it's love. Unfortunately, when involved with a narcissist,
you are enmeshed but not in love. You can be enmeshed and mistake that for love. But enmeshment and
love are not the same thing.
Read Whole Story
Melissa Schenker | Posted 08.13.2014 |
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Relationship
Advice, Women News
If you are still involved with a narcissist, you may not realize how completely your attention
has been diverted from your self and your own life.
Read Whole Story
Dr. Craig Malkin | Posted 06.23.2014 |
Healthy Living
Read More:
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Emotional Intelligence,
Healthy Living News
If you've tried a more loving approach to sharing what hurts in your relationship, and the narcissist
in your life still won't soften, you truly have done everything you can.
Read Whole Story
Dr. Craig Malkin | Posted 11.10.2013 |
Healthy Living
Read More:
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Healthy Living News
As a therapist, I've seen firsthand that changing relational patterns often transforms even the
most inflexible "trait" into something softer, gentler -- not a fixed feature, but a protection that
eventually yields to touch and intimacy in all the ways one would hope.
Read Whole Story
Dr. Craig Malkin | Posted 07.30.2013 |
Women
Read More:
Attachment,
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Tina Swithin,
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Relationships,
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Narcissists,
Women News
The most glaring problems are easy to spot -- but if you get too hung up on the obvious traits,
you can easily miss the subtle (and often more common) features that allow a narcissist to sneak
into your life and wreak havoc.
Here's a
partial checklist . You decide.
1. "Common to malignant narcissism is
narcissistic rage .
Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury (when the narcissist feels degraded by another
person, typically in the form of
criticism
)."
2. "When the narcissist's grandiose sense of self-worth is perceived as being attacked by another
person, the narcissist's natural reaction is to rage and pull down the self-worth of others (to make
the narcissist feel superior to others). It is an attempt by the narcissist to soothe their internal
pain and hostility, while at the same time rebuilding their self worth."
3. "Narcissistic rage also occurs when the narcissist perceives that he/she is being prevented from
accomplishing their grandiose fantasies."
4. "Because the narcissist derives pleasure from the fulfillment of their grandiose dreams (akin
to an addiction), anyone standing between the narcissist and their (wish) fulfillment ... may be
subject to narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rage will frequently include yelling and berating of the
person that has slighted the narcissist, but if strong enough could provoke more hostile feelings."
5. "Individuals with malignant narcissism will display a
two faced personality. Creation
of a 'false self' is linked to the narcissist's fear of being inadequate or
inferior to others
and this mask becomes ingrained into their personality so as to project a sense of superiority to
others at all times."
6. "The narcissist gains a sense of esteem from the feedback of other people as it is common for
the malignant narcissist to suffer from extremely low levels of self-esteem."
7. "The ... false self of the malignant narcissist is created because the real self doesn't meet
his or her own expectations. Instead, the narcissist tends to mimic emotional displays of other people
and creates a grandiose self to harbor their internalized fantasies of greatness."
8. "The [false self] is used by the narcissist to present to the outside world what appears to be
a normal, functioning human being and to help maintain his or her own fantasies of an idealized self.
The narcissist constantly builds upon this false self, creating a fictional character that is used
to show off to the world and to help them feed off the emotions of other people."
There's ongoing debate about "malignant narcissism" as a diagnosis, and some people prefer to use
the standard
DSM-IV version
. It doesn't make much difference in this case.
... ... ...
It's possible that Obama may be a
"fanatic type" of narcissist.
That could mean a world of trouble for the Democrats, for the nation, and given his position in the
world, for other countries as well.
Here is Theodore Millon's definition of the fanatic type:
fanatic type - including
paranoid
features. A severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies
who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence. These people are fighting the reality of their insignificance
and lost value and are trying to re-establish their self-esteem through grandiose fantasies and
self-reinforcement. When unable to gain recognition of support from others, they take on the role
of a heroic or worshipped person with a grandiose mission.
Notable quotes:
"... Trait labels like narcissist, or the admittedly less stigmatizing ones like extrovert and introvert, merely provide a shorthand description. They're a stand-in for "this person scored high on a trait measure of narcissism or extroversion or introversion." They can never hope to capture the whole person. ..."
"... For more by Dr. Craig Malkin, click here . ..."
"... For more on emotional intelligence, click here . ..."
The author is a Clinical Psychologist,
Lecturer Harvard Medical School
At the end of May 2013, I wrote
an article titled "5 Early Warning Signs You're With a Narcissist." It sparked a number of rich
conversations through comments, emails,
Facebook and
Twitter . Not surprisingly, the vast
majority of reactions came from people who feared they were currently in a relationship with a narcissist.
Nevertheless, some of them - often among the most heartfelt and desperate of messages - came from
people who'd either been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or felt convinced
they met criteria for the diagnosis. From both sides, the same question surfaced again and again:
Is there hope for those with NPD and the people who love them? Is there anything we can do if we
see early warning signs or actual diagnostic criteria besides end the relationship? As simple as
they might seem on the surface, questions like these resonate with some of the deepest concerns in
psychology. Can we change our personalities? More to the point, can people who meet criteria for
personality disorders open themselves up to new and better experiences in relationships and in the
world? I'm going to go on record as saying, yes, I do believe it's possible for people to change,
even if they've been diagnosed with something as deeply entrenched and formidable as a personality
disorder.
Trait labels like narcissist, or the admittedly less stigmatizing ones like extrovert and
introvert, merely provide a shorthand description. They're a stand-in for "this person scored high
on a trait measure of narcissism or extroversion or introversion." They can never hope to capture
the whole person. (Bear in mind that even Jung, who introduced the latter concepts,
firmly believed we all possess both an introvert and an extrovert side , regardless of
how much we tend to one side or the other.) Nevertheless, when they become diagnostic labels, like
"narcissist" or "Narcissistic Personality Disorder," these stark descriptions imply something that
goes far beyond a tendency or a style - they suggest permanence and a set of stable enduring features.
I have more hope than this. I believe that rather than simply being "who we are," our personalities
are also patterns of interaction. That is, personality, whether disordered or not , has as
much to do with how (and with whom) we interact as it does with our genes and wired-in temperament.
So what pattern does the narcissist follow?
Many have suggested that NPD emerges from an environment in which vulnerability comes to feel
dangerous, representing, at worst, either a grave defect, or at best, a stubborn barrier to becoming
a worthwhile human being - that's simplifying a great deal of research and theory, but it's a workable
summary - hence the correlation between NPD and
insecure attachment styles , in which fears of depending on anyone at all engender constant attempts
to control the relationship or avoid intimacy altogether. If you devote yourself to directing interactions
or holding people at arms length, it's a lot harder to become vulnerable (needless to say, the "safety"
is largely an illusion). People with NPD have learned to ignore, suppress, deny, project and disavow
their vulnerabilities (or at least try) in their attempts to shape and reshape "who they are" in
their interactions. Change - allowing the vulnerability back in - means opening up to the very feelings
they've learned to avoid at all costs. It's not that people with NPD can't change, it's that it often
threatens their sense of personhood to try. And their failed relationships often confirm, in their
minds, that narcissism is the safest way to live. Put another way, narcissists can't be narcissistic
in a vacuum. They need the right audience in order to feel like a star, for example, so they often
cultivate relationships with people who stick around for the show, instead of the person. Over time,
as their perfect façade starts to slip, their constant fear that people will find them lacking becomes
a horrifying reality. The very people who stuck around for the show lose interest when it ends -
which merely convinces the narcissist they need to hide their flaws and put on a better show. Alternatively,
even when they fall for someone who could be more than just an adoring fan - someone who offers the
hope of a more authentic, enduring love - narcissists still live with the paralyzing fear they'll
somehow be deemed unworthy. Their terror is frequently out of awareness, and nearly always managed
with bravado and blame, but it's profound and palpable. Sadly, their anger at having their mistakes
and missteps exposed ultimately alienates their loved ones, and the demise of yet another relationship
prompts them to redouble their efforts to avoid vulnerability - in short, it pushes them towards
more narcissism.
The sad irony of the narcissistic condition is that, in an effort to protect themselves,
narcissists inevitably invite the very rejection and abandonment they fear in the first place. The
key then, to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic, is to break the vicious circle
- to gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship
by sending the message that you're more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms
- to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all -
if they only allow the experience to happen. As a therapist, I've seen firsthand that changing relational
patterns often transforms even the most inflexible "trait" into something softer, gentler - not a
fixed feature, but a protection that eventually yields to touch and intimacy in all the ways one
would hope. Narcissism is a way of relating. Not everyone can shift into a more flexible form of
intimacy, but some can, and in the next post, I plan to share steps you can take to help you decide
whether or not the person you're with is capable of seeing themselves - and you - through a less-constricting
lens than the narcissistic worldview. If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on
facebook and
twitter. I frequently respond
to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out
www.drcraigmalkin.com for more
tips and advice, as well as information on my
book in progress .
For more by Dr. Craig Malkin, click
here . For
more on emotional intelligence,
click here
.
Notable quotes:
"... Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point - even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade. ..."
"... If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress . ..."
"... For more by Dr. Craig Malkin, click here . ..."
Dr. Craig Malkin , Author, Clinical
Psychologist, Lecturer Harvard Medical School
At the beginning of April this year, I was tapped by the Huffington Post Live team for a
discussion on narcissism . I happily agreed to appear, for a number of reasons, not the least
of which is that narcissism happens to be one of my favorite subjects. Early in my training, I had
the pleasure of working with one of the foremost authorities on narcissism in our field, and in part
because of that experience, I went on to work with quite a few clients who'd been diagnosed with
narcissistic personality disorder . That's where I learned that the formal diagnostic label hardly
does justice to the richness and complexity of this condition. The most glaring problems are easy
to spot - the apparent absence of even a shred of empathy, the grandiose plans and posturing, the
rage at being called out on the slightest of imperfections or normal human missteps - but if you
get too hung up on the obvious traits, you can easily miss the subtle (and often more common) features
that allow a narcissist to sneak into your life and wreak havoc. Just ask
Tina Swithin , who went
on to write a book
about surviving her experience with a man who clearly meets criteria for NPD (and very likely,
a few other diagnoses). To her lovestruck eyes, her soon-to-be husband seemed more like a prince
charming than the callous, deceitful spendthrift he later proved to be. Looking back, Tina explains,
there were signs of trouble from the start, but they were far from obvious at the time. In real life,
the most dangerous villains rarely advertise their malevolence. So what are we to do? How do we protect
ourselves from narcissists if they're so adept at slipping into our lives unnoticed? I shared some
of my answers to that question in our conversation, and I encourage you to watch it. But there were
a few I didn't get to, and others I didn't have the chance to describe in depth, so I thought I'd
take the opportunity to revisit the topic here. Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse of any of
these subtler signs:
1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don't mean that narcissists
see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin
to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle
or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It's as if they're
saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings." Picture the
boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who
frequently claims not to understand what you've said, even when you've been perfectly clear, or the
friend who always damns you with faint praise ("Pretty good job this time!"). Remember the saying:
"Don't knock your neighbor's porch light out to make yours shine brighter." Well, the narcissist
loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.
2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings
are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal
interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you
can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure.
Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect
autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something
outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and
as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've
reached the boiling point - even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.
3) A
Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are
notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see
here and
here ). But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also
gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family
and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists
often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common
myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted
family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the
details, as they say - and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.
4) Idol Worship:
Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting
people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: "If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe
some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I'll become perfect by association." The fact that
no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist - at least until they discover,
as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences
can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure
to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might
feel.
5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject
of feelings, they can't stand to be at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that
they aren't invulnerable or completely independent - that, in fact, they might have to ask
for what they want - and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express
needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the
outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think
of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely
because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something
he'd rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler
than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching
certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits
without expressing any anger at all - a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans,
chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a night together. It's more like a war of
attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom. None of these signs, in isolation,
proves that you're with a narcissist. But if you see a lot of them, it's best to sit up and take
notice. They're all way of dodging vulnerability, and that's a narcissist's favorite tactic.
If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on
facebook and
twitter. I frequently respond to
comments and questions there. And feel free to check out
www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and
advice, as well as information on my
book in progress .
For more by Dr. Craig Malkin,
click here .
Notable quotes:
"... As Dr. Robert Klitzman, a professor of psychiatry and the director of the master's of bioethics program at Columbia University, pointed out, the American Psychiatric Association declares it unethical for psychiatrists to comment on an individual's mental state without examining him personally and having the patient's consent to make such comments. ..."
"... To degrade people is really part of a cluster-B personality disorder: it's antisocial and shows a lack of remorse for other people. The way to make it O.K. to attack someone verbally, psychologically, or physically is to lower them. That's what he's doing. ..."
"... Narcissists are not necessarily liars, but they are notoriously uncomfortable with the truth. The truth means the potential to feel ashamed. If all they have to show the world as a source of feeling acceptable is their success and performance, be it in business or sports or celebrity, then the risk of people seeing them fail or squander their success is so difficult to their self-esteem that they feel ashamed. We call it the narcissistic injury. They're uncomfortable with their own limitations. It's not that they're cut out to lie, it's just that they can't handle what's real ..."
"... Most narcissists don't seek treatment unless there's someone threatening to take something away from them. There'd have to be some kind of meaningful consequence for him to come in. ..."
"... They're aware; the problem is, they don't care. They know how you'd like them to act; the problem is, they've got a different set of rules. The kind of approach that can have some impact is confrontational. It confronts distorted thinking and behavior patterns in the here-and-now moment when the narcissists are doing their thing in the session. It's confronted on the spot; you invite them to do something different, then you reinforce them for doing so. ..."
Vanity Fair
As his presidential campaign trundles forward, millions of sane Americans are wondering: What
exactly is wrong with this strange individual? Now, we have an answer.
For mental-health professionals, Donald Trump is at once easily diagnosed but slightly confounding.
"Remarkably narcissistic," said developmental psychologist Howard Gardner, a professor at Harvard
Graduate School of Education. "Textbook narcissistic personality disorder," echoed clinical psychologist
Ben Michaelis. "He's so classic that I'm archiving video clips of him to use in workshops because
there's no better example of his characteristics," said clinical psychologist George Simon, who conducts
lectures and seminars on manipulative behavior. "Otherwise, I would have had to hire actors and write
vignettes. He's like a dream come true."
That mental-health professionals are even willing to talk about Trump in the first place may attest
to their deep concern about a Trump presidency. As Dr. Robert Klitzman, a professor of psychiatry
and the director of the master's of bioethics program at Columbia University, pointed out, the American
Psychiatric Association declares it unethical for psychiatrists to comment on an individual's mental
state without examining him personally and having the patient's consent to make such comments.
This so-called Goldwater rule arose after the publication of a 1964 Fact magazine article in
which psychiatrists were polled about Senator Barry Goldwater's fitness to be president. Senator
Goldwater brought a $2 million suit against the magazine and its publisher; the Supreme Court awarded
him $1 in compensatory damages and $75,000 in punitive damages.
But you don't need to have met Donald Trump to feel like you know him; even the smallest exposure
can make you feel like you've just crossed a large body of water in a small boat with him. Indeed,
though narcissistic personality disorder was removed from the most recent issue of the Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, for somewhat arcane reasons, the traits that have defined
the disorder in the past-grandiosity; an expectation that others will recognize one's superiority;
a lack of empathy-are writ large in Mr. Trump's behavior.
"He's very easy to diagnose," said psychotherapist Charlotte Prozan. "In the first debate, he
talked over people and was domineering. He'll do anything to demean others, like tell Carly Fiorina
he doesn't like her looks. 'You're fired!' would certainly come under lack of empathy. And he wants
to deport immigrants, but [two of] his wives have been immigrants." Michaelis took a slightly different
twist on Trump's desire to deport immigrants: "This man is known for his golf courses, but, with
due respect, who does he think works on these golf courses?"
Mr. Trump's bullying nature-taunting Senator John McCain for being captured in Vietnam, or saying
Jeb Bush has "low energy"-is in keeping with the narcissistic profile. "In the field we use clusters
of personality disorders," Michaelis said. "Narcissism is in cluster B, which means it has similarities
with histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality
disorder. There are similarities between them. Regardless of how you feel about John McCain, the
man served-and suffered. Narcissism is an extreme defense against one's own feelings of worthlessness.
To degrade people is really part of a cluster-B personality disorder: it's antisocial and shows
a lack of remorse for other people. The way to make it O.K. to attack someone verbally, psychologically,
or physically is to lower them. That's what he's doing."
What of Trump's tendency to position himself as a possible savior to the economy despite the fact
that four of his companies have declared bankruptcy? "It's mind-boggling to me that that's not the
story," said Michaelis. "This man has been given more than anyone could ever hope for," he added,
referring to the fact that Trump is not wholly self-made, "yet he's failed miserably time and time
again." Licensed clinical social worker Wendy Terrie Behary, the author of Disarming the Narcissist:
Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, said,
"Narcissists are not necessarily liars, but they are notoriously uncomfortable with the
truth. The truth means the potential to feel ashamed. If all they have to show the world as a
source of feeling acceptable is their success and performance, be it in business or sports or
celebrity, then the risk of people seeing them fail or squander their success is so difficult
to their self-esteem that they feel ashamed. We call it the narcissistic injury. They're uncomfortable
with their own limitations. It's not that they're cut out to lie, it's just that they can't handle
what's real."
Indeed, the need to protect or exalt the self is at odds with the job requirements of a president.
Michaelis said, "He's applying for the greatest job in the land, the greatest task of which is to
serve, but there's nothing about the man that is service-oriented. He's only serving himself." As
Prozan sees it, "He keeps saying he could negotiate with Putin because he's good at deals. But diplomacy
involves a back and forth between equals." Dr. Klitzman added, "I have never met Donald Trump and
so cannot comment on his psychological state. However, I think that, in general, many candidates
who run for president are driven in large part by ego. I hope that does not preclude their motivation
to govern with the best interests of the public as a whole in mind. Yet for some candidates, that
may, alas, be a threat."
Asked what, if Mr. Trump were their patient, they would "work on" with him, several of the therapists
laughed. "I'd be shocked if he walked in my door," said Behary. "Most narcissists don't seek
treatment unless there's someone threatening to take something away from them. There'd have to be
some kind of meaningful consequence for him to come in." Simon concurred but added, "There is
help available, but it doesn't look like the help people are used to. It's not insight-oriented psychotherapy,
because narcissists already have insight. They're aware; the problem is, they don't care. They
know how you'd like them to act; the problem is, they've got a different set of rules. The kind of
approach that can have some impact is confrontational. It confronts distorted thinking and behavior
patterns in the here-and-now moment when the narcissists are doing their thing in the session. It's
confronted on the spot; you invite them to do something different, then you reinforce them for doing
so."
But for at least one mental-health professional, the Trump enigma, or should we say non-enigma,
is larger than the bluster of the man whose own Web site calls him "the very definition of the American
success story, continually setting the standards of excellence"-to this mind-set, Trump may be a
kind of bellwether. Mr. Gardner said, "For me, the compelling question is the psychological state
of his supporters. They are unable or unwilling to make a connection between the challenges faced
by any president and the knowledge and behavior of Donald Trump. In a democracy, that is disastrous."
Notable quotes:
"... By Nancy Kay from DivorcedMoms.com ..."
By Nancy
Kay from DivorcedMoms.com
Could you be
dating a narcissist and not even know it? After starting to
date again after divorce , I often found myself drawn toward highly successful
professional men who are competitive in business and strongly determined to
continue to build their own financial empire. Their determined, confident attitudes
and visible business successes appealed to my strong desires for security and
stability. A recent first date I went on was with this type of guy. My date
with a dentist turned into a three-hour marathon of misery for me when he insisted
that we sit in a back booth that he had reserved in advance with the hostess
by visiting the restaurant the night before and then he told our server that
he would leave an extra generous tip if she served our meals at a very leisurely
pace. Right away he launched into a one-sided brag fest about how he got elected
president of his college fraternity and why he easily scored highest in his
graduating class on the dental board exam. He then dropped names of all the
famous people he knows who live in our city and then went on to reveal the names
of all the famous people his dad knows too. By the time the pasta finally arrived,
I wanted to collapse into my plate from sheer boredom and exhaustion. After
that mind-numbing experience, I ran to my car and swore off dating for several
months. Unfortunately this was just one more very disillusioning
date with a narcissistic man . I had already experienced many others. Several
times I dated a man exclusively for three to six months, expecting things to
become more serious over time, only to have them abruptly break things off with
very little explanation or distance themselves with vague excuses about why
they couldn't continue to spend time with me. After spending many frustrating
weeks trying to figure out how to get each of these men I had dated exclusively
to connect with me on an emotional level so that our relationship could continue
to grow, I finally discovered that there was a big disconnect between the type
of relationship I was expecting to unfold and what these narcissistic men were
able to contribute in terms of intimacy, emotional connection and respectful
two-way communications. I discovered that I was living on crumbs and pretending
it was a whole nutritious meal. Are you dating a narcissist? Here
are six warning signs: 1. He is pre-occupied with how
things around him appear and how he is perceived by others. He aggressively
pursues financial success and is not content with what he already has acquired
or achieved. He has a strong craving for admiration, praise and his home, car,
clothes and high status are a direct measurement of how successful he appears
to others. 2. He exploits or takes advantage of others to get what he
wants. Narcissists are highly skilled at using others' talents; taking
advantage of their desire to avoid conflicts and their good natured helpfulness
as a means to an end to achieve their own goals. 3. He does not appreciate
or even see your unique abilities and natural gifts. Highly self-absorbed,
narcissists are so driven by how they can use others to benefit themselves that
your own individual strengths, abilities and achievements are often ignored
or dismissed as inconsequential. 4. He resents authority and despises
correction or being told what to do. He is reluctant to accept any
blame or criticism and strongly prefers to be in control of things and those
around him at all times. Having his faults pointed out to him or even having
to admit that he made a mistake can set him off into a fit of rage.
5. Petty arguments often erupt into power struggles. The narcissistic
man thrives on being right so disputes are rarely resolved. Mediation and counseling
rarely helps to improve communications with a narcissist because this type of
person sees themselves as under attack and can't stand for their actions to
be subject to the opinions of others and held up to the light. 6. He
disregards your healthy needs for attention and affection. Since narcissistic
men often lack empathy and the self-examination necessary to create an intimate
relationship, you'll often find yourself running on empty. Attempts to get more
affection from him often leads to him creating a secret life to run to and evading
your questions about what is really happening or not happening in your relationship.
If you recognize these signs in a man that you are dating, it is helpful to
remember that narcissists have very rigid expectations (especially for themselves)
and so this type of man rarely changes his ways. Understanding or experiencing
intimacy and love within the context of a balanced and healthy relationship
is not on the agenda of a narcissist. Unfortunately, many times we keep trying
to change a narcissistic man into who we'd like them to become or the reverse
- trying to twist ourselves like pretzels into a perfect version of what he
wants instead of cutting our losses. Recognizing the traits of a narcissistic
man and realizing how deeply rooted they are is critical so that we can begin
taking back control of our own life and start to move forward in a healthier
direction.
< Have you ever had a situation that goes something like this?: You meet
someone and it feels like the stars align. This person is so into you and
lavishes you with attention, romance and gifts. The relationship moves very
quickly and it feels like you have met "the one." Months down the road when
things have settled in comfortably, things start to change. The person who
used to adore and worship you now fluctuates between needing you desperately
and devaluing you. Perhaps as time goes on, the person who you thought cared
so much becomes more emotionally unavailable, distant and cruel. The "Jekyll"
part of the personality starts to overtake the "Hyde." How did this person
who used to be so wonderful and made such an effort to be with you all of
the sudden turn out to be so opposite than what you thought? This can leave
someone confused, hurt, angry and depressed. If this situation sounds similar
to something you have experienced, you may be or may have dated someone
with narcissistic tendencies. Here are some of the warning signs:
1. They are madly in love with you right off the bat and the
relationship moves very quickly: People with narcissistic tendencies
use fantasy like projections when picking a mate. Usually it takes a certain
amount of time to fall in love with someone. Sure, you can feel chemistry
and a connection with someone but to fall in love with who a person truly
is (flaws and all) takes some time. A person with narcissistic tendencies
loves the intense feelings and the attention. Sadly, their intense interest
in you is more so about them and their needs than it is about you.
2. They fluctuate between adoring you and devaluing you:
People with narcissistic tendencies are very hot and cold. They
can be mean and critical one second and then sweet and loving the next.
This becomes very confusing because you are still seeing glimpses of the
wonderful person you first fell in love with but you are also getting to
see another side that makes you feel bad about yourself.
3. They
have little ability to empathize and everything is on their terms:
Someone with narcissistic tendencies doesn't really see things
from your world or from your point of view. Everything is about them and
what they want. They ignore your needs in the relationship and only focus
on getting what they want or what works best for them. They will always
be their number one priority and everyone else will always come after that.
4. They cheat, lie or manipulate and don't feel remorse:
Narcissists don't really empathize so when they do something to
hurt you, they don't really feel remorseful. This can actually be the most
hurtful part because it may make you feel like they never cared about you
at all. Moving on can be very hard because a lot of people feel that they
need closure or apologies that they will never get from narcissistic people.
5. When it's all over, it's like you never mattered: A
classic case narcissist mostly uses people for their own gain and has very
little emotional connection to those that are in their lives. Because of
this, they discard people in their lives very easily. I recently watched
an episode of the new HBO show Girls and in this particular episode, one
of the characters who had broken up with her serious long-term boyfriend
2 weeks prior now finds he already has a new girlfriend. Shocked that he
could move on so quickly from something so serious she exclaims. "you're
a sociopath!!" and walks away. Even though she was the one who broke up
with him, she is shocked that it feels like their relationship meant nothing
to him at the end of the day and that she was easily replaceable. People
recovering from narcissistic relationships are often in shock that someone
who once claimed to love them so much has moved on so quickly and without
any sense of remorse.
How to spot a narcissist:
I always tell my clients to take the time to really get to know the people
they are dating before getting too emotionally invested or putting all their
eggs in one basket. There are definitely fairy tale stories out there of
two people falling madly in love with each other right at the get go and
spending their lives happily ever after, but that is generally not the norm.
Keep your guard up the more intensely the person is into you and the earlier
on it occurs. Past relationship patterns are also very important to look
at. As mentioned above, people who are narcissistic are intense very quickly
and end up leaving a trail of shattered relationships and people who are
left to pick up the pieces (and often need quite a bit of therapy after
being in the destructive path of a narcissist). If you get an idea of the
dating history of someone and it follows a certain pattern, pay attention
to that. Yes, people can change, but past relationship patterns can raise
a lot of red flags. The reason people have a hard time of extricating themselves
from a narcissistic relationship is because it is hard to get past the fact
that someone who used to be so wonderful and loving can turn so cold, hateful
and lacking in remorse. These people hang on because of the glimpses they
get of the good side and hold out the hope that if they were only "good
enough" or "better", or unconditionally accepted and loved this person then
they could get the nice and kind person back.
It turns into a vicious cycle
and the more you get into a relationship, the harder it is to get out of.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist will make you feel crazy and most
narcissists actually don't actively leave relationships; they wait to be
left first. It can be really hard to get out of a relationship like this
and if you have never been in one, it's hard to know how. If someone makes
you feel worthless or crazy and you know they are not treating you with
respect, or empathizing with you, that might be hard to change. Learning
to spot negative patterns early and having the strength to know what you
deserve in a relationship is one of the best things to do if you find yourself
involved with one of these people.
Recovery after a narcissistic
relationship:
Recovery after a narcissistic relationship can be very difficult. Many
people are driven to therapy because they have been left completely shattered
and fragile after a relationship with a narcissist. The most important thing
to remember is that it's not about YOU. This has everything to do with the
flaws of the narcissist and their inability to make real, meaningful connections
with others. What they have done to you is what they have done and will
continue to do in all their relationships unless they recognize this within
themselves and get help. The problem is, most narcissistic people never
recognize that they need to change. Remember that you deserve a relationship
that builds you up, that makes you feel safe, and that brings you happiness
and warmth. A person who is narcissistic cannot give this to you, simply
because they are not capable of it.
**This article originally appeared on
Pamela's Punch
Notable quotes:
"... "You're the prettiest. The sexiest. The skinniest. The best mom. The funniest." ..."
"... "You have such a sexy voice. Not too high, nor too low; it's just perfect. My friend Courtney's voice is super high-pitched and she has this weird way of talking through her teeth. Annoying." ..."
"... "You have a great body. I guess I'm used to having more to hug with my ex!" ..."
What do you get when you cross a sociopath with a narcissist? The least funny
joke and the worst kind of hybrid: a narcissistic sociopath, narcopath for short.
Both a narcissist and sociopath have an inflated sense of how important they
are, as well as a constant need for praise and admiration. One commonality between
the two is their ability to fool others in order to get what they want, without
remorse. But what sets them apart is that a narcopath is unable to handle criticism
or be viewed in a negative light, whereas a sociopath couldn't care less who
thinks what or how they're perceived. When you hear the word narcopath you may
picture a deranged, knife-wielding lunatic - at least that's what I pictured
before I met my own. Unfortunately, this couldn't be further from the truth.
Narcopaths are boogie men in disguise and wolves in sheep's clothing. Their
abuse is sometimes so subtle that you don't see it until the curtain closes
and your world is torn apart. Still unsure if you're in a relationship with
a narcopath? Here are ten telltale signs that you might be.1.
Things move from zero to one hundred in seconds.
From the beginning, nothing is normal with a narcopath. Things progress at
warp speed, hop-scotching over the usual stages of a relationship. Instead of
slowly getting to know one another, you go from the first date to planning your
future together within weeks of meeting. And when your gut warns you things
are moving too fast, you tell it to shut up because you've finally found your
soulmate.
2. They're a broken record of compliments.
A narcopath will sweep you off your feet, place you on a pedestal, then worship
you from down below. They'll tell you the things you've always wanted to hear,
saying them over and over and over again. But listen closely and you'll notice
there's not much variation in these love monologues, and their sweet-nothings
sound more like a script than anything from the heart. "You're the prettiest.
The sexiest. The skinniest. The best mom. The funniest." If everything
feels staged and too good to be true, it probably is.
3. They flatter you with comparisons.
There's no period at the end of a compliment. Instead, a narcopath compliments
you by comparing you to someone else in their life. In my case, he'd say things
like, "You have such a sexy voice. Not too high, nor too low; it's just
perfect. My friend Courtney's voice is super high-pitched and she has this weird
way of talking through her teeth. Annoying." Or, "You have a great
body. I guess I'm used to having more to hug with my ex!" Praising you
by putting down others is a huge red flag, not to mention incredibly distasteful.
And while it's no doubt flattering to hear these praises, keep in mind that
one day they'll be offering them to someone else and using your name to fill
the second blank.
4. Your chemistry between the sheets is off the charts.
You've never felt this much passion with anyone else. Pushing all the right
buttons in just the right ways, it's like they're reading your mind and its
desires. The reason sex is so mind-blowing, at least in the beginning, isn't
because they know what to do with their hands; they know what to do with your
mind . They'll make you feel like you're the only one who's ever existed
to them. Yes, narcopaths are indeed that great - at acting, that is. By mirroring
your every emotion they're able to make their own emotions seem genuine and
fool you into thinking yours are real.
5. Their eyes are windows to nothingness.
My Narc-in-a-Box would stare at me with such intensity I'd become nervous,
fidget, and quickly turn away. Speaking directly into my eyes with a deadpan
and unwavering stare, I don't think he blinked once during our four months together.
At times his gaze was so piercing that his pupils practically vanished. But
sadly, behind all that intensity lied a vast amount of dark nothingness. I turned
away from that stare because it made me feel uneasy in all the wrong ways.
6. They always lead the conversation back to themselves.
On the surface, a narcopath seems hyper-focused on you and genuinely interested
in learning all there is to know. Yet the moment you begin divulging this information,
they quickly interrupt with a story of their own. It's like a revolving door:
They ask you a question to gain the opportunity to talk about themselves. They're
quick to interject with their thoughts and opinions, and always have a similar
experience to share with you. Experiences that, once dissected, are nothing
more than sweetly camouflaged one-uppers and indirect ways to let you know that
they know better.
7. They have a checkered relationship history.
I've never met anyone with such an odd and storied relationship history.
He traveled to Texas after meeting a girl online, then met his ex-wife online,
and later flew in another girl he met online (through a quiz website!) all the
way from Europe, before finally meeting me online. Narcopaths often leave long
trails of broken relationships behind them, but of course they were never the
ones responsible for breaking them. And no matter how long ago it ended, they'll
claim all their former flames still burn strongly for them from afar.
8. They use big words that have little substance.
Have you ever read something that initially seems incredibly deep and profound,
until you reach the end and realize it's nothing but a nonsensical jumble of
fancy words? A narcopath craves superiority and thrives on being smarter than
everyone in the room. The only the problem is that often times they're not,
forcing them to fake it and pray no one catches on. On the surface, a narcopath
seems highly intelligent and cultured, but dig deeper and you'll discover it's
nothing but fluff.
9. They give because it makes them look better.
Give and you shall receive. Or, in the narcopath's case, give and tell everyone
within a thousand mile radius who you gave to and exactly how much. A narcopath
doesn't give because it makes them feel good on the inside; rather, they give
because it makes them look good from the outside. No kind deed goes unnoticed,
because they'd never allow it. Whether it's helping an old lady cross the street,
giving a homeless person a buck, or donating to their children's PTA, they'll
make sure someone knows about their generosity.
10. They're no stranger to the silent treatment.
Narcopaths love to dish it out. You may see glimpses of this passive-aggressive
form of punishment early on in the relationship, or it might come on suddenly
out of left field. Either way, the silent treatment is without a doubt the most
vile and abusive trait that narcopaths possess. Like a child, anytime they can't
get their way or feel threatened, they stomp away with their arms crossed and
punish you with a deafening silence. The harder you reach out, the more you
cry, and the angrier you become, the better they feel. It's normal for your
partner to get angry, sulk, or brood sometimes. What isn't normal is using silence
as a weapon to punish and control you, then sitting back and gaining pleasure
from your pain.
This article originally appeared on
YourTango .
Notable quotes:
"... Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline . ..."
Late last year, I wrote a
piece where I shared a perspective, based on
growing research , that
narcissism isn't simply a stubborn trait, but a style of coping. The seeds
of that idea turned into a
book ,
scheduled for release in spring next year. Since I promised a follow up, I'm
taking a brief break from the larger project to deliver on my promise. Here's
a glimpse at what's to come. If you think your partner's a
narcissist , you might want to try these seven strategies. Check For
Abuse : None of what I'm about to suggest is likely to help if the person
you love is physically or emotionally abusive. Not all narcissists, even those
diagnosed with
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) , resort to abuse. But some do -
and if you're on the receiving end, your first step should be to explore
what makes it hard for you to leave . If you're facing abuse, it doesn't
matter whether it's driven by your partner's narcissism, chronic pain, or drug
addiction - the problem is the abuse, plain and simple. And the abuser is 100
percent responsible for his or her choice. Until that changes, you probably
won't feel safe enough - nor should you - to take the kinds of risks I'm recommending
here. Check for Denial: Most people recognize denial when they see it.
It's easily the most famous of all the defense mechanisms. The alcoholic who
protests, "I just enjoy the taste of fine wine!"; the terminally ill patient
who assures everyone, "It's just a cough"; and the narcissist who, despite having
alienated all her friends and lost her job, proclaims, "I'm just fine" - all
are exhibiting denial. The more denial a narcissist displays, the less hopeful
you should feel about change. How bad is denial? In
adolescents , it
predicts some of the most ruthless, demanding forms of narcissism - adults
who happily admit "I find it easy to manipulate people." Make sure your partner
can admit something's wrong, even if it's as simple as saying, "my life isn't
where I hoped it would be." Contrary to what you might think,
some narcissists do seek therapy . Which kinds? The "vulnerable" ones, riddled
with shame and fear; they freely admit they have problems instead of
burying them beneath near-delusional denial. In fact, they're also
more likely to stick with treatment once they start. Beware the Manipulator
:
Across studies , narcissists who score high on measures of entitlement and
exploitation (or, EE, as researchers call it) have the highest levels of aggression,
a strong impulse to cheat, and even, when angered, a penchant for stealing or
sabotaging property at work. In fact, EE
singlehandedly
accounts for most of the worst behaviors a narcissist can display. Manipulative
narcissists are also
more likely to score higher on measures of Psychopathy and Machiavellianism.
The former is a cold callous personality linked to criminal behaviors, while
the latter, as you can guess from the name, describes a cutthroat, "do whatever
it takes" personality. Along with narcissism, these two traits comprise personality's
dark triad . Not all narcissists are cold and manipulative. But the ones
who are pose the greatest threat because they're so practiced at play-acting
and deceit you'll have a hard time separating fact from fiction. Check Their
Willingness to Change: This one might seem obvious, but it's crucial enough
that it bears mentioning. The easiest way to test a partner's capacity to change
is to seek help from a couples therapist - or any therapist for that matter.
Even people who aren't narcissists can be leery of therapy, so this one shouldn't
be considered a litmus test. If your partner's willing to work with you, though,
your odds at improving the relationship have probably jumped by an order of
magnitude. Check Your Anger: "You've always been the paranoid, jealous
type," sneers your partner after you openly wonder about the amount of time
he's spending with his attractive coworker. Our natural tendency, when faced
with such shocking indifference to our fear of losing love or needing more closeness
and comfort, is to protect ourselves. For many people, this means donning battle
armor and launching an attack. "You're the most selfish person I know! I don't
know why I'm with you!" As understandable as the protective measures are, they
cut us off from crucial information: Can our partners hear our sadness and fear
and feel moved? If there's any way at all to reach through the detachment, it's
by sharing our feelings at a more vulnerable level. Try this: "You mean so much
to me; I hear you talking to her and I'm scared I'm not enough for you." Or,
"Your opinion means the world to me; when I hear you talk to me that way I feel
so small and worthless in your eyes." Most partners, if they can feel anything
at all, will melt when they hear comments like this. They don't just convey
your pain with greater clarity; they remind your partner why the behavior
hurts - because it comes from the one person who matters most. How effective
is this kind of communication? Across decades of studies,
90 percent
of couples who learned to share the sadness and fear beneath the anger,
healed their broken bond and enjoyed happy, closer relationships. Likewise,
in multiple
recent studies , narcissists who focused on caring and closeness ("communal
behavior") actually scored lower over time on several measures of narcissism;
those who saw their partners as communal (compared to those who didn't)
even
said they'd be less likely to cheat . Check Your Silence: Say you
come home from a hard day at work, and your boyfriend, grumbling about the weekend
plans being up in the air, starts lecturing you about how indecisive you are.
"You sure take a long time to make decisions, don't you?" Condescending remarks
like this don't always enrage us. When our self-esteem is already crumbling,
they often shut us down completely; we crawl away, crestfallen, or slip into
hours of silence. But we have to find a voice again if we want things to get
better. Research suggests
that silent withdrawal is just another way of coping with feeling sad or
fearful about our connection with people we love; your best bet, as with anger,
is to go beneath the impulse to shut down and share the upset. "I'm feeling
so put down right now I'm afraid you've stopped caring about me altogether."
Why is this so important? Though they appear to be universal ways of coping
with fears about the people we love, anger and withdrawal also
ramp
up our partners' insecurities . The result? Our loved ones fall back on
their usual way of protecting themselves - like criticism or indifference -
instead of hearing our pain. If they're narcissists, that means they resort
to their favorite MO - narcissism. Be Honest with Yourself: If you've
tried a more loving approach to sharing what hurts in your relationship, and
the narcissist in your life still won't soften, you truly have done everything
you can. This might be the only hope for change. Those of you who wrote
in to say you already tried this and it didn't work have made a valiant effort;
you may have exhausted your supply of empathy from working so hard. If so, my
heart goes out to you. But staying in an unhappy relationship comes at a steep
price,
including your self-esteem. Ask yourself, honestly - are you staying because
your partner's doing his best to change - or because it feels too hard to leave?
Even if the people we love want to change, none of us should be expected
to endure the same hurts over and over. Narcissistic arrogance and hostility
elicit our worst behaviors ; they get beneath our skin, working away like
a thousand needles. The natural response is to pull away or lash back; but if
you do your best to share the pain openly, letting your loved ones see your
softer feelings, you're giving them their best - and only shot - at hearing
you. If they can't understand your pain then, perhaps they never will. As sad
and difficult as it feels, you might need to take care of yourself by leaving.
Because regardless of which habit steals their attention away from genuine love
and intimacy, if our loved ones can't risk change, their problems are here to
stay. Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the
National Domestic Violence
Hotline . If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on
facebook
and
twitter.
And be sure to
sign up for my newsletter, for more tips and advice, as well as information
on my forthcoming
book , about understanding and coping with narcissism in all its forms,
in our friends, lovers, colleagues-and even ourselves. HARPERWAVE AND HARPER
UK, SPRING 2015
Follow Dr. Craig Malkin on Twitter:
www.twitter.com/DrCraigMalkin
Notable quotes:
"... In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The "Stockholm Syndrome" reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. ..."
"... Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority. ..."
"... In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not "all bad" and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn't happen, that "small kindness" is interpreted as a positive sign. ..."
"... During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past - how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. ..."
"... Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with "I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he's troubled. He had a rough childhood!" ..."
"... Keep in mind: once you become hardened to the "sad stories", they will simply try another approach. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "I'm beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!" ..."
"... In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on eggshells" - fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller. ..."
"... Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. ..."
"... The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant problems. ..."
"... The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the victim's personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. ..."
While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due
to the publicity, the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had
been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive
situations such as:
- Abused Children
- Battered/Abused Women
- Prisoners of War
- Cult Members
- Incest Victims
- Criminal Hostage Situations
- Concentration Camp Prisoners
- Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival
for victims of abuse and intimidation. The "Stockholm Syndrome" reaction in hostage and/or abuse
situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as
unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for
survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing "Stockholm
Syndrome" will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement
personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail
their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they
arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.
Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships.
The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role
in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.
It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and
controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why victims
support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.
Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors, and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut
list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these
features will be present:
- Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
- Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support
them or win their release
- Support of the abuser's reasons and behaviors
- Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
- Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
- Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment
Stockholm Syndrome doesn't occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery
involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter
shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and
physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is
exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.
It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for
the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse,
and abusive relationships:
- The presence of a perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief
that the abuser would carry out the threat.
- The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
- Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
- The perceived inability to escape the situation
By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships
as well as criminal/hostage situations. Looking at each situation:
Perceived Threat to One's Physical/Psychological Survival
The perception of threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or witnessed methods. Criminal or
antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and family. Their history
of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the threat in a direct
manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps
our loved ones safe.
Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have
another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes.
Hints are often offered such as "I know people who can make others disappear". Indirect threats also
come from the stories told by the abuser or controller - how they obtained revenge on those who have
crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is
possible if they leave.
Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed
at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we
could be the next target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller
is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future.
The "Small Kindness" Perception
In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope - a small sign that the situation
may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to
the abuser's benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the
captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors,
such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm
Syndrome in criminal hostage events.
In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse),
or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not "all
bad" and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive
credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal
or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating
or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After
seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn't happen, that "small
kindness" is interpreted as a positive sign.
Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a "soft side". During the relationship,
the abuser/controller may share information about their past - how they were mistreated, abused,
neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their
behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a "victim". Sympathy may develop toward the
abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with "I know he
fractured my jaw and ribs…but he's troubled. He had a rough childhood!"
Losers and abusers may admit
they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed; however, it's almost always
after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility
for the abuse. In truth, personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal
responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their
bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now even video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating
too much junk food - now known as the "Twinkie Defense". While it may be true that the abuser/controller
had a difficult upbringing, showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior
and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While "sad stories" are always included
in their apologies - after the abusive/controlling event - their behavior never changes! Keep in
mind: once you become hardened to the "sad stories", they will simply try another approach. I know
of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "I'm beating (robbing, mugging, etc.)
you because my Mom hated me!"
Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor
In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on
eggshells" - fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst.
For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective. They begin to fix
things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects
of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of
our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority
of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied
with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.
Taking the abuser's perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim
actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful
toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations
to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community
is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family - fearing
family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse
their parents and friends, tell them not to call and to stop interfering, and break off communication
with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as "causing trouble"
and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they
continue to "interfere" or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear
that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact with
situations that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual
phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations - the victim
quickly realizes it's safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesn't work,
for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand
that she stop calling.
In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving
the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations,
the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their
fault. Some women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies rather than
give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the abuser, the children
are at fault - they complained about the situation, they brought the attention of authorities to
the home, and they put the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger
to the victim's safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to be removed from
the home decreases their victim stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment
for the children.
Perceived Inability to Escape
As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, it's easy to understand the
perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, the belief that one can't escape is also
very common. Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships
- locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations.
Here are some common situations:
- Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to
the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their
partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later claiming they can't pay alimony
or child support due to their large car payments.
- The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant
problems. A Controller who has an income that is "under the table" or maintained through legally
questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being investigated or made public
by the divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possible public
exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
- The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of
state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public
exposure of the victim's personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful
life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will
undercut the victim's support such as "I'll see that you lose your job" or "I'll have your automobile
burned".
- Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt - threatening
suicide if the victim leaves. The victim hears "I'll kill myself in front of the children", "I'll
set myself on fire in the front yard", or "Our children won't have a father/mother if you leave
me!"
- In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem,
self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel "burned out" and too depressed
to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling
the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources
the victim may use to leave. In clinical practice I've heard "I'd leave but I can't even get money
out of the savings account! I don't know the PIN number."
- In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they
feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents
are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller
may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college may be attracted to controlling individuals who
promise to help them survive living away from home on a college campus.
In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation
with "trouble". Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal
that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, "trouble"
is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may
include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create "trouble" in the abusive
relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding "trouble"! The
victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates
every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid "trouble". In this situation, children
who are noisy become "trouble". Loved ones and friends are sources of "trouble" for the victim who
is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.
Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully
aware of the situation - making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during work hours.
Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon arrival of the police,
only to find the abused spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested
for domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her
if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal
by the abuser, 3) they don't bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they don't personally
apologize for the situation - as though it was their fault.
Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason
many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It's also the reason they
continue to see "the good side" of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has
mentally and sometimes physically abused them.
Is There Something Else Involved?
In a short response - Yes! Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating
in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing participants
in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support
their participation. One way these feelings and thoughts are developed is known as "cognitive dissonance".
As you can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases for just about everything.
"Cognitive Dissonance" explains how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support
situations that do not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks
to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have two sets of cognitions
(knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes
emotionally uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation
- few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance - the fact that our cognitions
don't match, agree, or make sense when combined. "Cognitive Dissonance" can be reduced by adding
new cognitions - adding new thoughts and attitudes. Some examples:
- Heavy smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and multiple health risks. To continue smoking,
the smoker changes his cognitions (thoughts/feelings) such as 1) "I'm smoking less than ten years
ago", 2) "I'm smoking low-tar cigarettes", 3) "Those statistics are made up by the cancer industry
conspiracy", or 4) "Something's got to get you anyway!" These new cognitions/attitudes allow them
to keep smoking and actually begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.
- You purchase a $40,000.00 Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a gallon. You justify the
expense and related issues with 1) "It's great on trips" (you take one trip per year), 2) "I can
use it to haul stuff" (one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) "You can carry a lot of people in
it" (95% of your trips are driver-only).
- Your husband/boyfriend becomes abusive and assaultive. You can't leave due to the finances,
children, or other factors. Through cognitive dissonance, you begin telling yourself "He only
hits me open-handed" and "He's had a lot of stress at work."
Leon Festinger first coined the term "Cognitive Dissonance". He had observed a cult (1956) in
which members gave up their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in
messages from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood. As cult members
and firm believers, they believed they would be saved by flying saucers at the appointed time. As
they gathered and waited to be taken by flying saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world
came and went. No flood and no flying saucer! Rather than believing they were foolish after all that
personal and emotional investment - they decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from
the flood and they became firmer in their beliefs after the failure of the prophecy. The moral: the
more you invest (income, job, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position.
If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with "I'll get them next time". If you invest
everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and
justify that investment.
Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable,
and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate
school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience.
Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist
takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction.
Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding - even if the bonding is unhealthy.
No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling
to survive on a deserted island - you bet!
Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many
cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship.
Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they should now enroll in the
National Guard! Several types of investments keep us in the bad relationship:
- Emotional Investment
- We've invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see
the relationship through to the finish.
- Social Investment
- We've got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we
remain in the relationship.
- Family Investments
- If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded
by the status and needs of the children.
- Financial Investment
- In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation.
Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop
that would make their departure and detachment easier.
- Lifestyle Investment
- Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this
situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.
- Intimacy Investment
- We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced a destruction
of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner
may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy
is often found in these situations.
In many cases, it's not simply our feelings for an individual that keep us in an unhealthy relationship
- it's often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of
the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of
their unhealthy relationship is "You just don't understand!"
Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
The combination of "Stockholm Syndrome" and "cognitive dissonance" produces a victim who firmly
believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival.
The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships,
the victims have invested everything and placed "all their eggs in one basket". The relationship
now decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.
For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship
and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling
and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive dissonance and becomes
defensive. At this point, family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.
Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis.
The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive
in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite what we might think, our loved
one is not in the unhealthy relationship to irritate us, embarrass us, or drive us to drink. What
might have begun as a normal relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive situation. They
are trying to survive. Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts needed to survive
the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks. All of us have developed attitudes and
feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs,
our community, and other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional
the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive. The victim is engaged
in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work. Once they decide it doesn't work and can't
be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy
and positive lifestyle.
Family and Friends of the Victim
When a family is confronted with a loved one involved with a 'Loser' or controlling/abusive individual,
the situation becomes emotionally painful and socially difficult for the family. (See "
Are You Dating
a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers ".) While each situation is different, some
general guidelines to consider are:
- Your loved one, the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, has probably been given a choice - the relationship
or the family. This choice is made more difficult by the control and intimidation often present
in abusive/controlling relationships. Knowing that choosing the family will result in severe personal
and social consequences, the family always comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim knows
in their heart the family will always love them and accept their return - whenever the return
happens.
- Remember, the more you pressure the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, the more you prove their
point. Your loved one is being told the family is trying to ruin their wonderful relationship.
Pressure in the form of contacts, comments, and communications will be used as evidence against
you. An invitation to a Tupperware party is met with "You see! They just want to get you by yourself
so they can tell you bad things about me!" Increasing your contacts is viewed as "putting pressure"
on their relationship - not being lovingly concerned.
- Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving, may be met with anger
and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally
or emotionally. Imagine getting a four-hour lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls. In a short
time, you become angry each time she calls, knowing what the contact will produce in your home.
The longer Aunt Gladys talks - the longer your lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls,
you want to get her off the phone as quickly as possible.
- The 1980's song, "Hold on Loosely", may be the key to a good family and friend approach. Holding
on too tightly produces more pressure. When the victim is out of the home, it's often best to
establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status
report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random
calls are always viewed as "checking up on us" calls. While you may encounter an answering machine,
leave a polite and loving message. Importantly, don't discuss the relationship (the controller
may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up. The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain
contact, remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller
that family and loved ones are nearby and haven't disappeared.
- Try to maintain traditional and special contacts with your loved one - holidays, special occasions,
etc. Keep your contacts short and brief, with no comments that can be used as evidence. Contacts
made at "traditional" times - holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. - are not as threatening
to a controller/abuser. Contacts that provide information, but not questions, are also not as
threatening. An example might be a simple card reading "Just a note to let you know that your
brother landed a new job this week. You might see him on a Wal-Mart commercial any day now. Love,
Mom and Dad". This approach allows the victim to recognize that the family is there - waiting
in the wings if needed. It also lessens the lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as the contacts
are on a traditional and expected basis. It's also hard to be angry about brother's new job without
looking ridiculous. Also, don't invent holidays or send a reminder that it's Sigmund Freud's birthday.
That's suspicious…even in my family.
- Remember that there are many channels of communication. It's important that we keep a channel
open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and
e-mail. Scheduled monthly shopping trips or outings are helpful if possible. The goal is to maintain
contact while your loved one is involved in the controlling/abusive relationship. Remember, the
goal is contact, not pressure.
- Don't feel the victim's behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival
or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the
complexity of their relationship with the controller/abuser. They may even curse, threaten, and
accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the relationship
- an attempt to avoid "trouble".
- The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their behavior. Keep in
mind, they are painfully aware of their situation. They know they are being treated badly and/or
controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less contact.
We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.
- Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their relationship or hint
they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, don't jump through with the Marines behind
you! Listen and simply offer support such as "You know your family is behind any decision you
need to make and at any time you make it." They may be exploring what support is available but
may not be ready to call in the troops just yet. Many victims use an "exit plan" that may take
months or even years to complete. They may be gathering information at this point, not yet ready
for an exit.
- We can get messages to people in two ways - the pipeline and the grapevine. The pipeline is
face-to-face, telling the person directly. This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers
and abusers monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is still open. When
we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved one through another person. Victims of controlling
and abusive individuals are often allowed to maintain a relationship with a few people, perhaps
a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a message through that contact person, a message
that voices our understanding and support. We don't send insults ("Bill is such a jerk!) or put-downs
("If he doesn't get out of this relationship he'll end up crazy!) - we send messages of love and
support. We send "I hope she/he (victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and support
them." Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding that our loved one will
hear them in that manner. Don't talk with a grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to
hire a hit man, and then try to send a message of loving support. Be careful what and how the
message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to the victim when we can't.
It's another way of letting them know we're supporting them, just waiting to help if and when
needed.
- Each situation is different. The family may need to seek counseling support in the community.
A family consultation with a mental health professional or attorney may be helpful if the situation
becomes legally complex or there is a significant danger of harm.
- As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction
is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Our mind
fills with a variety of plans that often range from rescue and kidnapping to ambushing the controller/abuser
with a ball bat. A rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result
in additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain calm and await an opportunity to
show your love and support when your loved one needs it.
- In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the family may still provide some financial,
insurance, or other support. When we receive angry responses to our phone calls, our anger and
resentment tells us to cut off their support. I've heard "If she's going to date that jerk, it's
not going to be in a car I'm paying for!" and "If he's choosing that woman over his family, he
can drop out of college and flip hamburgers!" Withdrawing financial support only makes your loved
one more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if we're aggressive by threatening, withdrawing
support, or pressuring - we become the threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually
moves the victim into the support of the controller. Sadly, the more of an "ordeal" they experience,
the more bonding takes place, as noted with both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance.
- As you might imagine, the combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may also
be active when our loved one is involved in cults, unusual religions, and other groups. In some
situations, the abuser and controller is actually a group or organization. Victims are punished
if they are viewed as disloyal to the group. While this article deals with individual relationships,
the family guidelines may also be helpful in controlling-group situations.
Final Thoughts
You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings
and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and
abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help.
If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome
is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the "dating"
phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year,
they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further
complicate their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship,
it's important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding - not as a source
of pressure, guilt, or aggression.
This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling
to the victim as they are to family and friends. Separately, I've outlined recommendations for detaching
from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual, but clearly, there are more victims in this situation.
(See " Are You
Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers ".) It is hoped this article is helpful
to family and friends who worry, cry, and have difficulty understanding the situation of their loved
one. It has been said that knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful
to victims and their loved ones.
Please consider this article as a general guideline. Some recommendations may be appropriate and
helpful while some may not apply to a specific situation. In many cases, we may need additional professional
help of a mental health or legal nature.
!--
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[–]
dopebojangles
ADoNM
with BPD
3 points
4
points
5 points
1 year ago
(0
children)
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rammaam
1 point
2
points
3 points
1 year ago
(0
children)
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[deleted]
4 points
5
points
6 points
1 year ago
(0
children)
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[deleted]
3 points
4
points
5 points
1 year ago
(0
children)
[–]
Sub_Salac
3 points
4 points
5
points
1 year ago
(0
children)
[–]
throwaway98721214
ACoN
now NC with the entire FOO.
2 points
3 points
4
points
1 year ago
(3
children)
[–]
KissMyAspergers
NAunt,
Parent(s) with FLEAS
1 point
2
points
3 points
1 year ago
(2
children)
[–]
1234567ate
Nmom,
Edad, SGsis
2 points
3
points
4 points
1 year ago
(1
child)
[–]
KissMyAspergers
NAunt,
Parent(s) with FLEAS
2 points
3
points
4 points
1 year ago
(0
children)
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ArabRedditor
2 points
3 points
4
points
1 year ago
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children)
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Dotdotbludot
2 points
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4
points
1 year ago
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children)
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PagingDrLector
2 points
3 points
4
points
1 year ago
(0
children)
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modecat
forging
a new path
2
points
3 points
4
points
1 year ago
(0
children)
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jm_kaye
1 point
2 points
3
points
1 year ago
(1
child)
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modecat
forging
a new path
2 points
3
points
4 points
1 year ago
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children)
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ArtichokeOwl
1 point
2 points
3
points
1 year ago
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children)
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KissMyAspergers
NAunt,
Parent(s) with FLEAS
1 point
2 points
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points
1 year ago
(0
children)
[–]
DmKrispin
ADoNM
-1 points
0 points
1
point
1 year ago
(0
children)
Notable quotes:
"... Narcissism is a defense mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a " False Self " which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is then used by the narcissist to garner narcissistic supply from his human environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention, both positive and negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense of self-worth. ..."
Dr. Sam Vaknin, Ph.D
January 28, 2012
Barack Obama
appears to be a
narcissist
. Granted, only a qualified mental health diagnostician (which I am
not) can determine whether someone suffers from
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and
personal interviews. But, in the absence of access to Barack Obama, one has to
rely on his overt performance and on testimonies by his closest, nearest and
dearest.
Narcissistic leaders are nefarious and their effects pernicious. They
are subtle, refined, socially-adept, manipulative, possessed of thespian skills,
and convincing. Both types equally lack empathy and are ruthless and relentless or
driven.
Perhaps it is time to require each candidate to high office in the USA to
submit to a rigorous physical and mental checkup with the results made public.
I. Upbringing and Childhood
Obama's early life was decidedly chaotic and replete with traumatic and
mentally bruising dislocations. Mixed-race marriages were even less common then.
His parents went through a divorce when he was an infant (two years old). Obama
saw his father only once again, before he died in a car accident. Then, his mother
re-married and Obama had to relocate to
Indonesia
: a foreign land with a radically foreign culture, to be raised by a
step-father. At the age of ten, he was whisked off to live with his maternal
(white) grandparents. He saw his mother only intermittently in the following few
years and then she vanished from his life in 1979. She died of cancer in 1995.
Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early
childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial:
the perpetrators could be dysfunctional or absent parents, teachers, other adults,
or peers.
II. Behavior Patterns
The narcissist:
* Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments,
talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands
to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements);
* Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or
omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or
sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering
love or passion;
* Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be
understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or
unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
* Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation â€" or,
failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (
Narcissistic
Supply
);
* Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her
unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
* Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her
own ends;
* Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or
accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
* Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his
or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she
believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
* Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient,
invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (
magical
thinking
). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or
she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
Narcissism
is a defense mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma
from the victim's "True Self" into a "
False
Self
" which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is
then used by the narcissist to garner narcissistic supply from his human
environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention, both positive and
negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense
of self-worth.
Perhaps the most immediately evident trait of patients with Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) is their vulnerability to criticism and disagreement.
Subject to negative input, real or imagined, even to a mild rebuke, a constructive
suggestion, or an offer to help, they feel injured, humiliated and empty and they
react with disdain (devaluation), rage, and defiance.
From my book "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited":
"To avoid such intolerable pain, some patients with Narcissistic Personality
Disorder (NPD) socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask
their underlying
grandiosity
. Dysthymic and depressive disorders are common reactions to
isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy."
Due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense
of entitlement, and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply),
narcissists are rarely able to maintain functional and healthy interpersonal
relationships.
Many narcissists are over-achievers and ambitious. Some of them are even
talented and skilled. But they are incapable of team work because they cannot
tolerate setbacks. They are easily frustrated and demoralized and are unable to
cope with disagreement and criticism. Though some narcissists have meteoric and
inspiring careers, in the long-run, all of them find it difficult to maintain
long-term professional achievements and the respect and appreciation of their
peers. The narcissist's fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a
hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with his or her real
accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap").
An important distinction is between cerebral and somatic narcissists. The
cerebrals derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic
achievements and the somatics derive their Narcissistic Supply from their
physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical
"conquests".
Another crucial division within the ranks of patients with Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) is between the classic variety (those who meet five
of the nine diagnostic criteria included in the DSM), and the compensatory kind
(their narcissism compensates for deep-set feelings of inferiority and lack of
self-worth).
Obama displays the following behaviors, which are among the hallmarks of
pathological narcissism:
* Subtly misrepresents facts and expediently and opportunistically shifts
positions, views, opinions, and "ideals" (e.g., about campaign finance,
re-districting). These flip-flops do not cause him overt distress and are ego-syntonic
(he feels justified in acting this way). Alternatively, reuses to commit to a
standpoint and, in the process, evidences a lack of empathy.
Ignores data that conflict with his fantasy world, or with his inflated and
grandiose self-image. This has to do with magical thinking. Obama already sees
himself as president because he is firmly convinced that his dreams, thoughts,
and wishes affect reality. Additionally, he denies the gap between his
fantasies and his modest or limited real-life achievements (for instance, in 12
years of academic career, he hasn't published a single scholarly paper or
book).
– Feels that he is above the law, incl. and especially his own laws.
– Talks about himself in the 3rd person singluar or uses the regal "we" and
craves to be the exclusive center of attention, even adulation
– Have a messianic-cosmic vision of himself and his life and his "mission".
– Sets ever more complex rules in a convoluted world of grandiose fantasies
with its own language (jargon)
– Displays false modesty and unctuous "folksiness" but unable to sustain
these behaviors (the persona, or mask) for long. It slips and the true Obama is
revealed: haughty, aloof, distant, and disdainful of simple folk and their
lives.
– Sublimates aggression and holds grudges.
– Behaves as an eternal adolescent (e.g., his choice of language, youthful
image he projects, demands indulgence and feels entitled to special treatment,
even though his objective accomplishments do not justify it).
III. Body Language
Many complain of the incredible deceptive powers of the narcissist. They find
themselves involved with narcissists (emotionally, in business, or otherwise)
before they have a chance to discover their true character. Shocked by the later
revelation, they mourn their inability to separate from the narcissist and their
gullibility.
Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible
to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated
access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult
to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone suffers from a full
fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder or merely possesses narcissistic traits,
a narcissistic style, a personality structure ("character"), or a narcissistic
"overlay" superimposed on another mental health problem.
Moreover, it is important to distinguish between traits and behavior patterns
that are independent of the patient's cultural-social context (i.e., which are
inherent, or idiosyncratic) and reactive patterns, or conformity to cultural and
social morals and norms. Reactions to severe life crises or circumstances are also
often characterized by transient pathological narcissism, for instance (Ronningstam
and Gunderson, 1996). But such reactions do not a narcissist make.
When a person belongs to a society or culture that has often been described as
narcissistic by scholars (such as Theodore Millon) and social thinkers (e.g.,
Christopher Lasch) how much of his behavior can be attributed to his milieu and
which of his traits are really his?
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is rigorously defined in the DSM IV-TR
with a set of strict criteria and differential diagnoses.
Narcissism is regarded by many scholars to be an adaptative strategy ("healthy
narcissism"). It is considered pathological in the clinical sense only when it
becomes a rigid personality structure replete with a series of primitive defence
mechanisms (such as splitting, projection, projective identification, or
intellectualization) and when it leads to dysfunctions in one or more areas of the
patient's life.
Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. The narcissist projects a
False Self and manages all his social interactions through this concocted
fictional construct.
When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His
victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired
helplessness and angry at themselves for having they failed to see through the
narcissist earlier on.
But the narcissist does emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals ("presenting
symptoms") even in a first or casual encounter. Compare the following list to
Barack Obama's body language during his paublic appearances.
These are:
"Haughty" body language. The narcissist adopts a physical posture which implies
and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the narcissist usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he is "territorial").
The narcissist takes part in social interactions, even mere banter,
condescendingly, from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse".
But he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the "observer", or the "lone
wolf".
Entitlement markers. The narcissist immediately asks for "special treatment" of
some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic
session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements – or to get served first.
The narcissist is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The narcissist reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated equally with others whom he
deems inferior.
Idealization or devaluation. The narcissist instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. This depends on how the narcissist appraises the potential his
converser has as a Narcissistic Supply Source. The narcissist flatters, adores,
admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse
manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her.
Narcissists are polite only in the presence of a potential Supply Source. But
they are unable to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs
and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage
attacks, or cold detachment.
The "membership" posture. The narcissist always tries to "belong". Yet, at the
very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The narcissist seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing the
efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
For instance: if the narcissist talks to a psychologist, the narcissist first
states emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that he
mastered the discipline all the same, as an autodidact, which proves that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
In general, the narcissist always prefers show-off to substance. One of the
most effective methods of exposing a narcissist is by trying to delve deeper. The
narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of
himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades. The narcissist never admits to
ignorance in any field yet, typically, he is ignorant of them all. It is
surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the narcissist's
self-proclaimed omniscience.
Bragging and false autobiography. The narcissist brags incessantly. His speech
is peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always excessively,
implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
The narcissist's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
narcissist lies or his fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments.
Emotion-free language. The narcissist likes to talk about himself and only
about himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say, unless
they constitute potential Sources of Supply and in order to obtain said supply. He
acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels that they are intruding on his
precious time and, thus, abusing him.
In general, the narcissist is very impatient, easily bored, with strong
attention deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can
publicly dissect all aspects of the intimate life of a narcissist without
repercussions, providing the discourse is not "emotionally tinted".
If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the narcissist intellectualizes,
rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in a detached
"scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character in it,
suspiciously autobiographical. Narcissists like to refer to themselves in
mechanical terms, as efficient automata or machines.
Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion. The narcissist is dead serious
about himself. He may possess a subtle, wry, and riotous sense of humor, scathing
and cynical, but rarely is he self-deprecating. The narcissist regards himself as
being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are
global. If a scientist, he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If
a journalist, he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If a novelist, he is
on his way to a Booker or Nobel prize.
This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement.
The narcissist is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most
innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or
coercive. His time is more valuable than others' therefore, it cannot be wasted on
unimportant matters such as mere banter or going out for a walk.
Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
narcissist as intentional humiliation, implying that the narcissist is in need of
help and counsel and, thus, imperfect and less than omnipotent. Any attempt to set
an agenda is, to the narcissist, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this
sense, the narcissist is both schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of
reference.
These, the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the constricted sense of humor, the unequal treatment and the
paranoia render the narcissist a social misfit. The narcissist is able to provoke
in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist, the
strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation
and consternation, he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression.
He is perceived to be asocial at best and, often, antisocial. This, perhaps, is
the strongest presenting symptom. One feels ill at ease in the presence of a
narcissist for no apparent reason. No matter how charming, intelligent, thought
provoking, outgoing, easy going and social the narcissist is – he fails to secure
the sympathy of others, a sympathy he is never ready, willing, or able to
reciprocate.
IV. Narcissistic and psychopathic Leaders
The narcissistic or psychopathic leader is the culmination and reification of
his period, culture, and civilization. He is likely to rise to prominence in
narcissistic societies.
The malignant narcissist invents and then projects a false, fictitious, self
for the world to fear, or to admire. He maintains a tenuous grasp on reality to
start with and this is further exacerbated by the trappings of power. The
narcissist's grandiose self-delusions and fantasies of omnipotence and omniscience
are supported by real life authority and the narcissist's predilection to surround
himself with obsequious sycophants.
The narcissist's personality is so precariously balanced that he cannot
tolerate even a hint of criticism and disagreement. Most narcissists are paranoid
and suffer from ideas of reference (the delusion that they are being mocked or
discussed when they are not). Thus, narcissists often regard themselves as
"victims of persecution".
The narcissistic leader fosters and encourages a personality cult with all the
hallmarks of an institutional religion: priesthood, rites, rituals, temples,
worship, catechism, mythology. The leader is this religion's ascetic saint. He
monastically denies himself earthly pleasures (or so he claims) in order to be
able to dedicate himself fully to his calling.
The narcissistic leader is a monstrously inverted Jesus, sacrificing his life
and denying himself so that his people – or humanity at large – should benefit. By
surpassing and suppressing his humanity, the narcissistic leader became a
distorted version of Nietzsche's "superman".
But being a-human or super-human also means being a-sexual and a-moral.
In this restricted sense, narcissistic leaders are post-modernist and moral
relativists. They project to the masses an androgynous figure and enhance it by
engendering the adoration of nudity and all things "natural" – or by strongly
repressing these feelings. But what they refer to as "nature" is not natural at
all.
The narcissistic leader invariably proffers an aesthetic of decadence and evil
carefully orchestrated and artificial – though it is not perceived this way by him
or by his followers. Narcissistic leadership is about reproduced copies, not about
originals. It is about the manipulation of symbols – not about veritable atavism
or true conservatism.
In short: narcissistic leadership is about theatre, not about life. To enjoy
the spectacle (and be subsumed by it), the leader demands the suspension of
judgment, depersonalization, and de-realization. Catharsis is tantamount, in this
narcissistic dramaturgy, to self-annulment.
Narcissism is nihilistic not only operationally, or ideologically. Its very
language and narratives are nihilistic. Narcissism is conspicuous nihilism – and
the cult's leader serves as a role model, annihilating the Man, only to re-appear
as a pre-ordained and irresistible force of nature.
Narcissistic leadership often poses as a rebellion against the "old ways" –
against the hegemonic culture, the upper classes, the established religions, the
superpowers, the corrupt order. Narcissistic movements are puerile, a reaction to
narcissistic injuries inflicted upon a narcissistic (and rather psychopathic)
toddler nation-state, or group, or upon the leader.
Minorities or "others" – often arbitrarily selected – constitute a perfect,
easily identifiable, embodiment of all that is "wrong". They are accused of being
old, they are eerily disembodied, they are cosmopolitan, they are part of the
establishment, they are "decadent", they are hated on religious and socio-economic
grounds, or because of their race, sexual orientation, origin … They are
different, they are narcissistic (feel and act as morally superior), they are
everywhere, they are defenceless, they are credulous, they are adaptable (and thus
can be co-opted to collaborate in their own destruction). They are the perfect
hate figure. Narcissists thrive on hatred and pathological envy.
This is precisely the source of the fascination with Hitler, diagnosed by Erich
Fromm – together with Stalin – as a malignant narcissist. He was an inverted
human. His unconscious was his conscious. He acted out our most repressed drives,
fantasies, and wishes. He provides us with a glimpse of the horrors that lie
beneath the veneer, the barbarians at our personal gates, and what it was like
before we invented civilization. Hitler forced us all through a time warp and many
did not emerge. He was not the devil. He was one of us. He was what Arendt aptly
called the banality of evil. Just an ordinary, mentally disturbed, failure, a
member of a mentally disturbed and failing nation, who lived through disturbed and
failing times. He was the perfect mirror, a channel, a voice, and the very depth
of our souls.
The narcissistic leader prefers the sparkle and glamour of well-orchestrated
illusions to the tedium and method of real accomplishments. His reign is all smoke
and mirrors, devoid of substances, consisting of mere appearances and mass
delusions. In the aftermath of his regime – the narcissistic leader having died,
been deposed, or voted out of office – it all unravels. The tireless and constant
prestidigitation ceases and the entire edifice crumbles. What looked like an
economic miracle turns out to have been a fraud-laced bubble. Loosely-held empires
disintegrate. Laboriously assembled business conglomerates go to pieces. "Earth
shattering" and "revolutionary" scientific discoveries and theories are
discredited. Social experiments end in mayhem.
It is important to understand that the use of violence must be ego-syntonic. It
must accord with the self-image of the narcissist. It must abet and sustain his
grandiose fantasies and feed his sense of entitlement. It must conform with the
narcissistic narrative.
Thus, a narcissist who regards himself as the benefactor of the poor, a member
of the common folk, the representative of the disenfranchised, the champion of the
dispossessed against the corrupt elite – is highly unlikely to use violence at
first.
The pacific mask crumbles when the narcissist has become convinced that the
very people he purported to speak for, his constituency, his grassroots fans, the
prime sources of his narcissistic supply – have turned against him. At first, in a
desperate effort to maintain the fiction underlying his chaotic personality, the
narcissist strives to explain away the sudden reversal of sentiment. "The people
are being duped by (the media, big industry, the military, the elite, etc.)",
"they don't really know what they are doing", "following a rude awakening, they
will revert to form", etc.
When these flimsy attempts to patch a tattered personal mythology fail – the
narcissist is injured. Narcissistic injury inevitably leads to narcissistic rage
and to a terrifying display of unbridled aggression. The pent-up frustration and
hurt translate into devaluation. That which was previously idealized – is now
discarded with contempt and hatred.
This primitive defense mechanism is called "splitting". To the narcissist,
things and people are either entirely bad (evil) or entirely good. He projects
onto others his own shortcomings and negative emotions, thus becoming a totally
good object. A narcissistic leader is likely to justify the butchering of his own
people by claiming that they intended to kill him, undo the revolution, devastate
the economy, or the country, etc.
The "small people", the "rank and file", the "loyal soldiers" of the narcissist
– his flock, his nation, his employees – they pay the price. The disillusionment
and disenchantment are agonizing. The process of reconstruction, of rising from
the ashes, of overcoming the trauma of having been deceived, exploited and
manipulated – is drawn-out. It is difficult to trust again, to have faith, to
love, to be led, to collaborate. Feelings of shame and guilt engulf the erstwhile
followers of the narcissist. This is his sole legacy: a massive post-traumatic
stress disorder.
DISCLAIMER
I am not a mental health professional. Still, I have dedicated the last 12
years to the study of personality disorders in general and the Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) in particular. I have authored nine (9) books about
these topics, one of which is a Barnes and Noble best-seller ("Malignant
Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"). My work is widely cited in scholarly tomes and
publications and in the media. My books and the content of my Web site are based
on correspondence since 1996 with hundreds of people suffering from the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (narcissists) and with thousands of their family
members, friends, therapists, and colleagues.
Sam Vaknin
is the author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited
and After the Rain – How the West Lost the East as well as many other books
and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics,
and international affairs. He served as a columnist for Central Europe
Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the
editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open
Directory and Suite101. Visit Sam's Web site at
http://samvak.tripod.com
You can download 30 of his free ebooks in
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html
.
|
Notable quotes:
"... His posture and his body language were louder than his empty words. ..."
"... One must never underestimate the manipulative genius of pathological narcissists. They project such an imposing personality that it overwhelms those around them. Charmed by the charisma of the narcissist, people become like clay in his hands. They cheerfully do his bidding and delight to be at his service. The narcissist shapes the world around himself and reduces others in his own inverted image. He creates a cult of personality. His admirers become his co-dependents. ..."
"... Narcissists have no interest in things that do not help them to reach their personal objective. They are focused on one thing alone and that is power. All other issues are meaningless to them and they do not want to waste their precious time on trivialities. Anything that does not help them is beneath them and do not deserve their attention. ..."
snopes.com
Dr. Vaknin states "I must confess I was impressed by Sen. Barack
Obama from the first time I saw him. At first I was excited to see a black
candidate. He looked youthful, spoke well, appeared to be confident - a wholesome
presidential package. I was put off soon, not just because of his shallowness
but also because there was an air of haughtiness in his demeanor that was
unsettling. His posture and his body language were louder than his empty
words.
Obama's speeches are unlike any political speech we have heard in American
history. Never a politician in this land had such quasi "religious" impact
on so many people. The fact that Obama is a total incognito with zero accomplishment,
makes this inexplicable infatuation alarming. Obama is not an ordinary man.
He is not a genius. In fact he is quite ignorant on most important subjects.
Barack Obama is a narcissist. Dr. Sam Vaknin, the author of
the Malignant Self Love believes "Barack Obama appears to be a narcissist."
Vaknin is a world authority on narcissism. He understands narcissism and
describes the inner mind of a narcissist like no other person. When he talks
about narcissism everyone listens.
Vaknin says that Obama's language, posture and demeanor, and the testimonies
of his closest, dearest and nearest suggest that the Senator is either a
narcissist or he may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists
project a grandiose but false image of themselves.
....All these men had
a tremendous influence over their fanciers. They created a personality cult
around themselves and with their blazing speeches elevated their admirers,
filled their hearts with enthusiasm and instilled in their minds a new zest
for life. They gave them hope! They promised them the moon, but alas, invariably
they brought them to their doom.
When you are a victim of a cult of personality, you don't know it until it
is too late. One determining factor in the development of NPD is childhood
abuse. "Obama's early life was decidedly chaotic and replete with traumatic
and mentally bruising dislocations," says Vaknin.
"Mixed-race marriages were even less common then. His parents went
through a divorce when he was an infant (two years old). Obama saw his
father only once again, before he died in a car accident. Then his mother
re-married and Obama had to relocate to Indonesia, a foreign
land with a radically foreign culture, to be raised by a step-father.
At the age of ten, he was whisked off to live with his maternal (white)
grandparents. He saw his mother only intermittently in the following few
years and then she vanished from his life in 1979. She died of cancer
in 1995".
One must never underestimate the manipulative genius of pathological
narcissists. They project such an imposing personality that it overwhelms
those around them. Charmed by the charisma of the narcissist, people become
like clay in his hands. They cheerfully do his bidding and delight to be
at his service. The narcissist shapes the world around himself and reduces
others in his own inverted image. He creates a cult of personality. His admirers
become his co-dependents.
Narcissists have no interest in things that do not help them to reach
their personal objective. They are focused on one thing alone and that is
power. All other issues are meaningless to them and they do not want to waste
their precious time on trivialities. Anything that does not help them is
beneath them and do not deserve their attention.
Even as the comet that is The Donald continues to streak across the political sky-as babes peer in
wonder out their windows, dogs bay in fear in the night and scholars debate the source of the great
apparition-it's worth taking a moment to feel some compassion for the man who's causing all the mischief.
The fact is, it can't be easy to wake up every day and discover that you're still Donald Trump. You
were Trump yesterday, you're Trump today, and barring some extraordinary development, you'll be Trump
tomorrow.
There are, certainly, compensations to being Donald Trump. You're fabulously wealthy; you have
a lifetime pass to help yourself to younger and younger wives, even as you get older and older-a
two-way Benjamin Button dynamic that is equal parts enviable and grotesque. You own homes in Manhattan;
Palm Beach; upstate New York; Charlottesville, Virginia; and Rancho Palos Verdes, California; and
you're free to bunk down in a grand suite in practically any hotel, apartment building or resort
that flies the Trump flag, anywhere on the planet-and there are a lot of them.
But none of that changes the reality of waking up every morning, looking in the bathroom mirror,
and seeing Donald Trump staring back at you. And no, it's not the hair; that, after all, is a choice-one
that may be hard for most people to understand, but a choice all the same, and there's a certain
who-asked-you confidence in continuing to make it. The problem with being Trump is the same thing
that explains the enormous fame and success of Trump: a naked neediness, a certain shamelessness,
an insatiable hunger to be the largest, loudest, most honkingly conspicuous presence in any room-the
great, braying Trumpness of Trump-and that's probably far less of a revel than it seems.
Contented people, well-grounded people, people at ease inside their skin, just don't behave the
way Trump does. The shorthand-and increasingly lazy-description for Trump in recent weeks is that
he is the id
of the Republican party, and there's some truth in that. Trump indeed appears to be emotionally
incontinent, a man wholly without-you should pardon the expression-any psychic sphincter. The boundary
most people draw between thought and speech, between emotion and action, does not appear to exist
for Trump. He says what he wants to say, insults whom he wants to insult, and never, ever considers
apology or retreat.
But that's not someone driven by the pleasures of the id-which, whatever else you can say about
it, is a thing of happy appetites and uncaring impulses. It's far more someone driven by the rage
and pain and emotional brittleness of narcissism, and everywhere in Trump's life are the signs of
what a fraught state of mind that can be.
There is Trump's compulsive use of superlatives-especially when he's talking about his own accomplishments.
Maybe what he's building or selling really is the greatest, the grandest, the biggest, the best,
but if that's so, let the product do the talking. If it can't, maybe it ain't so great.
There's the compulsive promotion of the Trump name. Other giants of commerce and industry use
their own names sparingly-even when they're businesspeople who have the opportunity to turn themselves
from a person into a brand. There is no GatesWare software, no BezosBooks.com; it's not Zuckerbook
you log onto a dozen times a day.
But the Trump name is everywhere in the Trump world, and there's a reason for that. You can look
at something you've built with quiet pride and know it's yours, or you can look at it worriedly,
insecurely, fretting that someone, somewhere may not know that you created it-diminishing you in
the process. And so you stamp what you build with two-story letters identifying who you are- like
a child writing his name on a baseball glove-just to make sure there's no misunderstanding.
On occasion, there is an almost-almost-endearing cluelessness to the primal way Trump
signals his pride in himself. He poses for pictures with his suit jacket flaring open, his hands
on his hips, index and ring fingers pointing inevitably groinward-a great-ape fitness and genital
display if ever there was one. After he bought the moribund Gulf+Western Building in New York City's
Columbus Circle, covered it in gold-colored glass, converted it into a luxury hotel and residence,
and reinforced it with steel and concrete to make it less subject to swaying in the wind, Trump boasted
to The New York Times that it was going to be "the stiffest building in the city." If he
was aware of his own psychic subtext, he gave no indication.
It's not just real estate Trump seeks to own or at least control. There was his attempt to trademark
the words "You're fired," after they became a catchphrase on his reality show, The Apprentice.
There was his offer to donate $5 million to a charity of President Obama's choosing if Obama would
release his college transcripts to him, Donald Trump. In both cases, Trump wants something-possession,
attention, the obeisance of no less than the President-and so he demands it. The behavior is less
id than infant-the most narcissistic stage of the human life cycle.
The petulance of Trump's public feuds-with Rosie ODonnell ("a total loser"), Seth Meyers ("He's
a stutterer"), Robert De Niro ("We're not dealing with Albert Einstein") and Arianna Huffington,
("Unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man
. . .")-is wholly of a piece with the fragility of the narcissistic ego. In Trump's imaginings, it
is Fox News's Megyn Kelly who owes him an apology for asking pointed questions during the Republican
debate, not Trump who owes Kelly an apology for his boorish behavior and
school-yard Tweets ("Wow,
@ megynkelly really
bombed tonight. People are going wild on twitter! Funny to watch"). As for his sneering misogyny-his
reference to blood coming out of Kelly's "wherever"? Nothing to see here. It's Jeb Bush
who really should apologize to women for his comments about defunding Planned Parenthood.
Trump was right on that score; Bush was indeed clueless to suggest that the annual cost of protecting
women's health should not be as high as $500 million-or just over $3.14 per American woman per year.
So Bush did what people with at least some humility do: He acknowledged his mistake and
at least tried to qualify the statement. That option, however, is closed for the narcissist.
The overweening ego that defines the condition is often just a bit of misdirection intended to conceal
the exact opposite-a deep well of insecurity and even self-loathing. Any admission of wrong shatters
that masquerade.
To call Donald Trump a narcissist is, of course, to state the clinically obvious. There
is the egotism of narcissism, the grandiosity of narcissism, the social obtuseness of narcissism.
But if Trump is an easy target, he is also a pitiable one. Narcissism isn't easy, it isn't fun, it
isn't something to be waved off as a personal shortcoming that hurts only the narcissists themselves,
any more than you can look at the drunk or philanderer or compulsive gambler and not see grief and
regret in his future.
For now, yes, the Trump show is fun to watch. It will be less so if the carnival barker
with his look-at-me antics continues to distract people from a serious discussion of important issues.
It will be less still if Trump actually does wind up as the nominee of a major political party or
mounts an independent campaign and succeeds in tipping the vote one way or the other.
But that kind of triumph is not the fate that awaits most narcissists. Their act becomes
old, their opponents become bold, and the audience-inevitably-moves onto something else. Trump the
phenomenon will surely become Trump the afterthought. He is a man who desperately hungers for respect
and attention and who, by dint of that very desperation, will likely wind up with neither. The pain
will be his; the relief will be ours.
Adapted from
The Narcissist
Next Door: Understanding the Monster in Your Family, in Your Office, in Your Bed-in Your World
by Jeffrey Kluger by arrangement with Riverhead Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) LLC, Copyright
© 2015 by Jeffrey Kluger.
There's more than a few examples of the archetype doing the rounds at the moment, from the three
lovably awful kids in Amazon's brilliant "Transparent" to the title character of Alex Ross Perry's
brilliant "Listen Up Philip," which opened in limited release last Friday and will continue to expand
in the coming weeks. Said archetype is of course often complex, and "asshole" frequently doesn't
cover it. These characters often are masking deep pain, insecurity, self-doubt and or misplaced arrogance.
But we know these types and while often not likable, they're real and often quite hilariously awful.
So, to mark the release of "Listen Up Philip," which features a deliciously prickly Jason Schwartzman
in the lead as a egocentric young writer who damages all his relationships, romantic or otherwise,
we thought we'd pick out ten of our favorite self-absorbed, unpleasant and yet curiously watchable
characters to go alongside his great turn in the aforementioned film. It should be noted that most
of our examples come from the last decade or two, but that's not entirely surprising, given that
we're arguably living in the most self-obsessed, insular age in human history (this is of course
the era of the selfie). Take a look at our picks below, and let us know your favorites in the comments
section.
Sweet and Lowdown
Sean Penn as Emmett Ray in "Sweet & Lowdown" (2000)
Woody Allen is an obvious touchstone for "Listen Up Philip" ("Husbands And Wives" is named specifically
by Ross Perry, and Sydney Pollack's character in that arguably qualifies for this list too), and
Allen's certainly representative of self-absorption. But none of his creations have been more self-absorbed,
or more asshole-y, than Sean Penn's central figure in "Sweet & Lowdown." The role of Emmet Ray, a
reasonably well-known, heavy-drinking, scumbag of a jazz guitarist whose life is continually overshadowed
by that of his idol Django Reinhardt, was originally penned by Allen (under the original title of
"The Jazz Baby," back in the early 1970s) to be played by the writer/director, but after nearly thirty
years in a drawer, went to Penn (though Johnny Depp was also reportedly considered). And it's hard
to imagine anyone doing a better job. Penn brings a mix of swagger and deeply insecure neuroticism
that makes him very much a creation of Allen, but one that doesn't simply echo the filmmaker in the
manner of so many of his leading-men surrogates. As with the lead of another later film about a guitarist,
the Coens' "Inside Llewyn Davis," Ray is talented, but enough of a fuck-up (drunken, a sometime pimp,
kind of a coward, tight with money, and with a self-inflated view of his own "genius") that he'll
never make the kind of impact that he'd like to. And when potential redemption comes along in the
shape of Samantha Morton's sweet, mute Hattie, he throws it away in order to marry socialite Uma
Thurman. And when he's dumped by her, he's stunned when Hattie's moved on. He's almost irredeemably
awful, and yet Penn's performance, one of his very best, manages to find pathos, as well as a pleasing
level of comedy, in the character, the kind of thing the actor doesn't get to do enough.
The Life Aquatic
Bill Murray as Steve Zissou in "The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou" (2004)
Wes Anderson characters can generally be grouped under the banner of "self-regarding" to one degree
or another, from Max in "Rushmore" to even the animated Mr. Fox. But his prize asshole might just
be Steve Zissou, in Anderson's fourth film. An oceanographer and documentary maker modelled loosely
after Jacques Cousteau, Zissou is a man whose limited fame and prestige has gone very much to his
head, who drags his inexplicably loyal crew on an Ahab-ish revenge trip against the shark that ate
his long-time partner (Seymour Cassel). He has a certain affection for the people he travels with
(he does at least launch a rescue mission when even hated insurance company employee Bud Cort is
captured by pirates), but is resolutely unlovable otherwise, particularly in his relations with basically
everyone, from consistently hitting on pregnant reporter Jane (Cate Blanchett), treating Klaus (Willem
Dafoe) like a bullied lapdog, or feuding childishly with his maybe-son Ned (Owen Wilson), who's eventually
killed in a helicopter crash on the hunt for the shark. Anderson's characters, even cantankerous
assholes like Royal Tenenbaum, usually find some form of redemption, but there's surprisingly little
for Zissou: Ned, who turns out not to be his son anyway, dies, and Zissou is once again acclaimed
at a film festival for his finished picture. It's a decidedly sour note, and perhaps one of the reasons
that the lavish, lovingly made 'Aquatic' is possibly Anderson's least-loved picture.
The Social Network
Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg in "The Social Network" (2010)
"You're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like because you're a nerd," says Rooney
Mara's Erica to Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) at the beginning of David Fincher's Aaron Sorkin
penned "The Social Network." "And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't
be true. It'll be because you're an asshole." And it's perfect introduction to the condescending,
snobbish, ambitious, narcisisstic founder of Facebook, the website that will eventually make him
a billionaire.
And as the film goes on, Zuckerberg never exactly improves: he creates an insulting
blog about Erica, hacks into Harvard's network to steal photos of women to let people rate their
attractiveness, possibly steals the idea for his site from a trio of other students, freezes out
best friend Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield), and ends up rich but estranged, endlessly refreshing
his friend request to Erica. He's selfish, self-regarding, prickly and defensive, but in the hands
of Eisenberg's meticulous, brilliant performance, you can also see why.
He embodies the true revenge
of the nerds, a twisted and bitter one, but he's only that way because that's what he thinks he has
to be. As his attorney, Marylin (Rashida Jones) tells him at the film's conclusion, "you're not an
asshole, Mark. You're just trying so hard to be."
A Fish Called Wanda
Kevin Kline as Otto in "A Fish Called Wanda" (1988)
Self-absorption is often something that seems to come with intellect, as demonstrated by the characters
on this list. Many of these figures genuinely are the smartest person in the room and treat anyone
they deem not to be on their level with according levels of contempt. Otto, in "A Fish Called Wanda,"
is something slightly different, and all the funnier for it: he's a moron who only thinks he's the
smartest person in the room. The result, unusually for a broad comedy like Charles Crichton's 1988
hit (penned by co-star John Cleese), won Kevin Kline a Best Supporting Actor Oscar. The character
is the film's secret weapon, a borderline psychotic, Limey-hating dimwit with a severe inferiority
complex, which manifests in his continual threats to those around not to call him stupid. But as
his lover Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) tells him, "I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn
dresses with higher IQs." Otto is a man who thinks "the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived,"
that the central message of Buddhism is "every man for himself," and that the London Underground
is a political movement. He's the ultimate Ugly American abroad ("you are the vulgarian, you fuck,"
he tells Cleese's Archie when he calls him on his swearing), a terrible driver with the most hilarious
off-putting cum face in cinematic history, and a total tour de force from Kline that still remains
the actor's finest hour. He's the truly hateable kind of asshole in the best possible way. It says
it all that, after somehow surviving being run over by a steamroller, he becomes Minister of Justice
in apartheid-era South Africa…
Young Adult
Charlize Theron as Mavis Gary in "Young Adult" (2011)
Arguably Jason Reitman's best film to date, a brilliant gender-swapped inversion of the arrested-development
theme that's dominated the comedy movie in the last decade or so, "Young Adult" revolves around a
titanic performance from Charlize Theron, playing one of the most unrepentantly unlikable, unchangeable
characters in recent cinema. Theron, arguably in a career-best turn, plays Mavis, a divorced writer
of the teen-aimed books whose series has just been cancelled. On a whim, she returns to her small
Minnesota hometown in an attempt to win back her high-school sweetheart (Patrick Wilson), who's just
a had baby with his wife (Elizabeth Reaser). Mavis is clearly having some kind of deluded break with
reality, but part of the brilliance of Theron's performance is how unquestioning she is of herself:
a Mean Girl grown up, chasing simpler times when she ruled the world, and prepared to do just about
anything to get there. Theron never courts your sympathy, but there's still a deep sadness in Mavis'
absolute lack of self-reflection, not least when she's comes close to a breakthrough, only to be
talked out of it by one of her few remaining admirers (a brilliant Colette Wolfe). People talked
about her bravery in changing her appearance for her Oscar-winning turn in "Monster," but there's
just as little vanity in her performance here, and the film simply wouldn't work without her.
Baumbach Squid
The Assorted Jerks Of Noah Baumbach
Another obvious touchstone for "Listen Up Philip," Noah Baumbach is arguably, and we mean this in
the nicest way possible, the king of the self-absorbed asshole. In fact, we decided to amalgamate
his collected jerks into one selection, because otherwise it could have taken up half of the entire
list. The filmmaker's been interested in the archetype ever since his debut "Kicking And Screaming,"
about chronically procrastinating recent college grads, but (after co-writing the script for two
of Wes Anderson's most self-absorbed characters with "The Life Aquatic" and "Fantastic Mr. Fox")
reached something of a zenith with what we like to call 'The Asshole Trilogy' : "The Squid & The
Whale," "Margot At The Wedding" and "Greenberg." 'Squid' is the best, as we gradually see the effects
of self-absorbed, generally toxic novelist Bernard (Jeff Daniels) on his son (Jesse Eisenberg) during
the parents' bitter divorce, ending movingly with Walt rejecting the Way Of The Jerk. 2007's 'Margot'
was disliked by many at the time, but has only grown in stature, with Nicole Kidman's brittle, sharp
turn proving to be a perfect fit for the filmmakers' world-view, appalling (but still human) as she
takes her frustrations in life out on her son. 2010's "Greenberg" is the least of the three, despite
a raw and uncompromising performance by Ben Stiller in the title role, a thwarted man-child who can't
see much beyond his own needs and worldview. The three films aren't the easiest watch (no wonder
that Baumbach's next film, the delightful "Frances Ha," felt like such a breath of fresh air), but
together do a pretty great job at encapsulating the era of mammoth selfishness.
Roger Dodger
Campbell Scott as Roger Swanson in "Roger Dodger" (2002)
Jesse Eisenberg makes another appearance on this list (his more malevolent side in the recent "The
Double" could also have qualified), but for once, he's not the asshole. That would be Campbell Scott,
who is remarkably brilliant in Dylan Kidd's minor classic "Roger Dodger." Scott plays the titular
Roger Swanson, a New York ad-man who's asked by his 16-year-old nephew to help him learn how to seduce
women so he can lose his virginity. Roger's a self-described player and essentially a misogynist,
and attempts to induct his young relative in what he describes as essentially a war of the sexes.
A smarmy early '00s precursor to today's pick-up artist scumbags, Roger doesn't have the charm that
he thinks he does, particularly given that he's in an unacknowledged meltdown after being dumped
by lover/boss Isabella Rosselini. Like many such people, he hates almost everyone around him, but
no one brings out quite so much bile in him as himself, and it's this brilliant duality that makes
the performance one of Scott's best. Kidd's film is a woozy, witty examination of sex and masculinity,
and though it missteps a little towards the end in offering something of a redemption for the character,
it still gave us one of the more iconic cinematic douchebags of the last couple of decades.
Rachel Getting Married
Anne Hathaway as Kym in "Rachel Getting Married" (2008)
We think of being an asshole as a specifically male trait, but we've already seen with "Young Adult"
and "Margot At The Wedding" that there's no gender divide. "Rachel Getting Married" is another great
example, one that's arguably sadder and psychologically richer than either. Jonathan Demme's film
stars a revelatory Anne Hathaway as Kym, who returns home from drug rehab to attend the wedding of
her sister (Rosemarie DeWitt), only for the family's long-brushed-over painful past to emerge, as
it tends to do in movies like this one. Kym initially seems like a comically awful person, a selfish,
up-staging drug addict who hijacks the rehearsal dinner to make twelve-step apologies, and who seems
to delight in deliberately upsetting almost anyone in her family and not accepting any blame for
her actions. But over time, Kym richens, as we learn that she killed her younger brother in a car
accident when she was high, and while that itself is clearly a terrible and selfish action, it's
only continued to haunt her, and Hathaway is superb in painting a picture of a woman who longs to
be forgiven by people who would like to, but might just find it impossible. Demme and the movie never
let her off the hook, but that whatever small progress she might make happens at all feels all the
more moving for being so hard-won.
As Good As It Gets
Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets" (1997)
Ol' Jack plays cantankerous assholes the way Tom Hanks plays nice guys or Tom Cruise plays people
who jumps off tall buildings: brilliantly, vigorously and frequently. In James L. Brooks' award-winning
rom-com, Nicholson builds on earlier performances like "Five Easy Pieces" "Carnal Knowledge" and
"Heartburn" to create something like a crown prince of unlikable fellas, OCD-suffering, racist, homophobic,
misogynist misanthrope novelist Melvin Udall, whose carefully controlled life is upended by the intervention
of gay neighbor Simon (Greg Kinnear), and single-mother waitress Carol (Helen Hunt). Nicholson might
be playing a slightly sitcom-ish, Archie Bunker-ish character, but the mix of his typical devilish
charm, smartly and sparingly used, and a detailed psychological realism that makes Melvin into more
than just an archetype, elevated the performance to Oscar-winning effect. Though of course it helps
that Nicholson is clearly relishing the lovingly and intricately-written speeches that he gets to
deploy ("never, never interrupt me, okay?," he tells Simon. "Not if there's a fire, not even if you
hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can
only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so
thick that you think you're going to faint"). There's a certain degree of cheesiness to the way that
Melvin softens up thanks to the love of a good woman, but Jack never makes you doubt it for a minute.
Last Days of Disco
The Many Assholes Of Whit Stillman
Like Baumbach, Whit Stillman is a director who's made a career with characters who can't quite see
past their own bubble of existence (and, usually, privilege), up to and including his current Amazon
pilot "The Cosmopolitans." The pattern began with his debut "Metropolitan," in which Stillman favorite
Chris Eigeman plays arguably the platonic ideal of the director's favorite archetype, a big-mouthed
upper-class cynic who one can imagine going into Wall Street and essentially becoming Patrick Bateman
in years to come ('"the surrealists were just bunch of social climbers," he condescendingly says
at one point). Follow-up "Barcelona" sees Eigeman in a similarly smug role, the ugly American abroad,
while "The Last Days Of Disco" sees Kate Beckinsale (who's fantastic here) as a particularly callow
example of the type ("remember the Woodstock generation of the 1960s that were so full of themselves
and conceited? None of them could dance," she tells someone at one point with the naivety of youth).
If one was ungenerous, one could argue that the narrow worldview of his films makes Stillman and
his archaic language rather self-absorbed himself, but that's a misreading: Stillman is ultimately
a social satirist, a sort of cinematic heir to Jane Austen (whose influence is felt in his most recent
picture, "Damsels In Distress," more than ever), savagely poking at the ridiculous attitudes and
views of his characters without ever quite judging them.
Honorable Mentions: There were various other possibilities that we dismissed as not quite being
quite the right brand of asshole for this specific theme: think of Kirk Douglas in "Ace In The Hole,"
Tony Curtis and Burt Lancaster in "Sweet Smell Of Success" (too toxic), even William Atherton in
"Die Hard" and "Ghostbusters" (which veers closer to a simple villain). Among the ones who came closest
to qualifying were Ed Norton and Micheal Keaton in "Birdman" (we wrote about their self-absorbed
asshole-ish tendencies here), Rachel McAdams in "Mean Girls," Matt Damon in "The Departed," Paul
Reiser in "Aliens," Aaron Eckhart in "In The Company Of Men," and Tom Hulce in "Amadeus," along with
both Jason Schwartzman's villain, and arguably Michael Cera's hero, in "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World."
Any others? Let us know below
If you want observe people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or strong narcissistic
traits, look no further than your TV set. There are many memorable movie characters who display the
basic characteristics of narcissism: the grandiose and overinflated sense of self, lack of empathy,
exploitation of others with no remorse, and excessive self-focus. Listed below are some of the more
well-known narcissists portrayed in the movies:
Movie: The Devil Wears Prada
Played By: Meryl Streep
About: Now this is an NPD character that sticks with you.
Movie: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Played By: Kenneth Branagh
About: This is the definition of narcissism. Lockhart is hilarious. One of the comical moments from
the series is when Lockhart is talking to Harry during his detention and says "Fame is a fickle friend,
Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that." *turn and smile* He goes to such lengths as
to fake his fame and risk the deaths of many students just to keep his ego fed.
Movie: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Played By: Sam Rockwell
About: Zaphod (and Sam Rockwell) is great and Rockwell plays him well- he's fun for the role he has.
Movie: American Psycho
Played By: Christian Bale
About: Bale plays the role with what appears to be ease. He's a completely memorable character with
some very iconic scenes.
Movie: Dinner for Schmucks
Played By: Jemaine Clements
About: Whether or not you liked the movie, most have agreed that Jamaine Clements was the best part.
Movie: The American Pie Trilogy
Played By: Seann William Scott
About: Stifler thinks he's hot stuff, almost obnoxiously so. But he's not without his insecurities
underneath it all. He's probably not a true narcissist as the rest on this list–it's much more of
a front, at least partially. But there's no doubting he thinks highly of himself, and he's funny
while he thinks so.
Movie: Zoolander
Played By: Ben Stiller
About: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.
And I plan on finding out what that is."
Movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Get Him to the Greek
Played by: Russell Brand
About: Russell Brand was hilarious in them–clearly the best part of the movies.
Movie: The Princess Bride
Played By: Wallace Shawn
About: Vizzini: "I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains." Westley:
"You're that smart?" Vizzini: "Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?"
Westley: "Yes." Vizzini: "Morons."
Movie: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Played By: Will Ferrell
About: The narcissism is right there in the title of the film! He's a fun character, wrapped up in
his own little world.
MOVIE: Gaslight
Played by: Charles Boyer
ABOUT: This classic movie is where the term gaslighting comes from, to indicate how an N (or other
abuser) lies to you to make you doubt your experience of reality. Although the film is a bit dated
now (it was made in the 1940s) it is still extremely gripping and terrifying. The narcissist in this
film, Gregory Anton, is trying to deliberately send his new wife insane in order to inherit from
her. An absolute must-watch for anybody interest in learning more about malignant NPD.
MOVIE: Mommie Dearest
Played By: Faye Dunaway
ABOUT: A classic film. It's the real-life story of total narcissist Joan Crawford and her daughter
Christina. This is a chillingly accurate portrayal of the hell of being raised by a narcissist.
MOVIE: White Oleander
Played by: Michelle Pfeiffer
ABOUT: Michelle Pfeiffer plays the narcissistic mother in this amazing film, and by all accounts
does a terrific job.
MOVIE: Gone With the Wind
Played by: Vivien Leigh
ABOUT: Scarlett O'Hara is a total narcissist in this classic tale.
Other Movies Portraying Narcissistic Characters
• American Beauty (narcissistic mother)
• East of Eden (narcissistic father)
• Ordinary People (narcissistic mother)
• Mermaids (Cher as Mrs. Flax)
• Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (narcissistic sister)
• Sybil (narcissistic mother)
• The Little Foxes (narcissistic mother)
• Flowers in the Attic (narcissistic mother)
• Matilda (both parents are narcissists)
• Coraline (both "other" parents are narcissists)
• Precious (narcissistic mother)
• Girl Interrupted (Angelina Jolie)
• Life or Something Like It (Angelina Jolie)
References:
http://www.narcissism101.com/NarcissistsinMedia/narcissistsinmov.html
http://dementeddoorknob.blogspot.com/2010/10/top-10-favorite-narcissistic-characters.html
http://daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/movies-featuring-npd.html
http://www.outofthefog.net/Movies.html
Last week Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about the tragic case Dr. Amy Castillo, whose children were murdered
by their psychopathic father after several judges issued rulings that failed to protect them. I hope
this terrible and extreme case will be a wake-up call for family courts.
Lovefraud frequently receives e-mail from men and women involved in child custody disputes with sociopaths,
who hopefully, are not murderers. Here is one of them:
I am involved in a custody case with a sociopath, however, my case is being fought in Europe where
I recently relocated to (I am American, he is European). After being the sole caregiver of my children
for five years, I had no choice but to leave them with their father and return to the States. When
we separated he took their passports and left the country for a year. It was NOT possible to obtain
new passports for children without BOTH parents' signatures.
By the end of that year my financial situation was desperate and I had no choice. I came back to
the States, got myself back on my feet and recently I started my own company as a Virtual Assistant,
allowing me to work anywhere in the world. While in the States I came back to Europe every six to
eight weeks to visit my children. Well one month ago, I relocated back to Europe to live and continue
my fight for custody of my children.
The court case had already been ongoing since January and in typical sociopath style he has lied
and forged documents. Even so, my ex was recently given sole custody (temporarily while custody is
decided) and that I must pay him 900 euros (around $1,300 USD a month!). As if that could not be
bad enough, he sends me on a regular basis (the most recent being today) faxes full of lies and accusations
that he then turns around and uses as evidence in his court case!!! Furthermore, I do NOT have 900
euros a month to give him. I just relocated and started my own business and this is a real slap in
the face with all of the financial damage he has done to me as well as my credit in the U.S.
I have fired my attorneys and hired the best Custody/Family attorney where I live. He has been in
practice for 30 years and not lost a case! Also he is known to be a very strong and tough attorney.
I wish I would have had him in the beginning. So with this I feel confidence.
The reason I am writing is because although I have a very positive outlook and feel that I am a strong
person, as I know that most of you can agree, it is very difficult dealing with a sociopath. When
I receive these horrible faxes my stomach just drops and it can make me feel very anxious for hours
after. So now I have stopped reading them at all. I do not know what I am looking for by sending
this email. I think I just need the support of knowing there are others out there going through the
same things as me and that this is manageable and that I will make it through. I would greatly appreciate
hearing what others have done in a situation like this. Thank you.
Like most parents fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, this woman faces a difficult times.
Below are some general suggestions about child custody and sociopaths.
Get him or her to walk away
If your ex is a sociopath, at best, he or she will be a lousy parent. At worst, he or she will intentionally
try to damage your children. Therefore, if at all possible, it may be best to cut the sociopath out
of your children's lives.
You may want to consider offering the sociopath an incentive to walk away. Tell the sociopath to
give up parental rights, and he or she won't have to pay any child support. You may feel that you
need the child support payments, but chances are that you'll never get the money, or it will always
be a struggle to get it. The money isn't worth having the predator in your family's life. Figure
out a way to support your children without it.
Sometimes this works-there are sociopaths who care more about money than kids. But many
times it doesn't, because the sociopath considers children to be possessions. Or, the sociopath just
wants to win the battle with you, and destroy you in the process. In those cases, you'll end up in
court.
Tactics in custody battles
I am forever grateful that I never had children with my sociopathic ex-husband. I avoided the
most tragic of circumstances involving these predators-a child custody battle. Therefore, the suggestions
I make below come from my research and what Lovefraud readers have told me.
If you're fighting a custody battle with a sociopath, here are some tactics to follow:
- Document, document, document. Keep a journal of everything that happens. Often, the
craziness is so intense that you don't want to remember what happens. Your journal will be important
when you need to tell a cohesive story of what has been going on with the sociopath, especially
if you need to tell it long after events have transpired. Save every scrap of paper, every e-mail,
every fax, every receipt. Develop a way of organizing the information, whether chronological,
or by topic. Keep copies in a safe place.
- Have witnesses. It is best not to deal with the sociopath alone; every interaction
then becomes he said/she said. Have a trusted friend or relative present during child exchanges
or other interactions as much as you can. You may even want to consider tape recording and videotaping
some of what goes on.
- Get your own information. Do not allow the sociopathic parent to control information
about your children. Make sure you get information directly from schools, doctors and others.
- Hire an aggressive, competent attorney. Child custody cases with sociopaths are not
normal cases. The sociopath will not play by the rules. Your attorney must understand this. The
sociopath will lie in court, although his or her performance will appear heartfelt, like he or
she is "just concerned with the welfare of the children." The sociopath will make outrageous accusations.
The sociopath is also likely to retain an attorney who is also sociopathic. Therefore, your attorney
must be up for the challenge.
- Do not allow lies to become part of the court record. Sociopaths lie. Sociopaths
lie convincingly. You cannot allow unchallenged lies to become part of the court records.
Once they are, they take on the aura of truth, and put you in a very bad position. Some lies,
like accusations of child abuse, may haunt you forever.
- Be cautious in stating that your ex is, in fact, a sociopath. Unfortunately, many judges
really do not understand what this means to the welfare of a child. Like the general public, many
judges equate "sociopath" with "serial killer," and may consequently believe that you are overreacting.
So it may not be in your best interest to prove that he or she is a sociopath. Focus on proving
the behavior.
- Stay calm in court. You must present a calm, professional image when you go to court,
even as the sociopath lies. Do not allow the sociopath to make you emotional. The sociopath will
accuse you of being unstable, and you will prove it by your behavior in court. Keep your emotions
in check, at least in front of the judge.
- Make sure court orders are explicit. Insist on detailed court orders. The order should
not say, "parent has visitation every other weekend." It should specify exactly which weekends,
starting at what times, returning at what times, who is responsible for transporting children,
who is responsible for bathing and feeding them-everything must be spelled out in detail. If there
is any ambiguity, the sociopath will exploit it.
- Make the sociopath abide by court orders. If the sociopath fails to honor the orders,
do not cut him or her any slack. Record any violation. Call the police if necessary. Continue
to document everything that happens, because you may need to go to court again. If you ever decide
that you need to cut the sociopath out of the child's life, you'll need evidence to do it.
- Take care of yourself. You will need all your resources to deal with the sociopath.
Therefore, make healthy decisions in your own life. Eat right, avoid drugs and alcohol, get enough
sleep, exercise and develop a support network. In order to care for your children, you must care
for yourself.
Post your suggestions
I previously reviewed the book, Win Your Child Custody War, on the Lovefraud Blog. This book is full
of information that may help you, from how to gather documentation to how to hire an attorney and
private investigator.
If Lovefraud readers have any more suggestions that may be helpful to others involved in custody
battles with sociopaths, please post it in comments below.
sfctommy, March 28, 2016 at 12:26 pm
Good advice, but what if the sociopath knows the ropes well enough to keep from getting caught?
Or better yet, when the sociopath is a woman, the court really doesn't care as long as she isn't
a danger to the child's safety. I know too many men in that situation.
http://yilieneth2.blogspot.com/2015/07/help-with-ex.html
MomhasGod, March 30, 2016 at 1:14 am
I am about to go to the first Full Custody hearing in about 2 weeks. I was married to him for
15 years and have 2 children. He left me and he filed for full custody. Psychopathy was brought
to my attention and everything makes sense and falls into place. It's been about 3 months since
he moved out and the kids are a ton happier since we are not all walking around on eggshells.
I was shocked that he filed since he was not around much and hardly ever involved in their care.
He wasn't even excited when I was pregnant, didn't want to feel my belly, offer to help out, feel
the kicks, etc…like I said it makes sense now. In the 3 months he's been gone he's done some horrible
things, some dangerous, and has neglected the kids which I'm actually grateful for. He only asked
to see them 3 times and when I gave him option to meet at a public place he didn't even respond.
I ended up getting a temporary restraining order and we have to go back After the custody hearing.
His attorney is filing a motion this week for him to get visitation rights but my attorney is
going to fight for supervised visits. In the restraining order, issued a month ago, it was ordered
he could have 2 supervised visits a week but he never even tried to set it up with the people
that were supposed to be supervising. I'm trying to understand his current "game" and what my
concerns should be if he gets unsupervised visits in the meantime. I know he can be charming,
manipulative, and dangerous.
I'm fearful for the safety of my children and my attorney knows this. My kids had to testify
but not in front of us for the restraining order. My youngest, aged 8, picked up on how "dad's
lawyer is just like him and he's probably going to tell him what I said and dad is going to hurt
me". I had no idea the lawyers were going to question my kids and I do think he's going to tell
him. Has anyone been through something similar that they can offer words of advice? My oldest
son said he knows he's going to threaten him and he wants to record it. I told him I didn't think
that was a good idea because it would probably make him mad. I didn't tell him this but I think
it would make him so mad that my son would probably be hospitalized. I've done psychopath research
but I'm still in the beginning stages of realizing what's been happening to all of us.
My eyes are open now and I need to protect me kids. He knows they are the world to me which
is also my understanding that could be a risk factor of him wanting to hurt them more.
jm_short, March 30, 2016 at 1:01 pm
You have a number of things going for you…
- Your oldest son seem to be wise to him.
- You have filed for a restraining order. And he has not complied with the visitation that
the court provided for him.
- You understand what you're dealing with.
- You seem to have a good attorney.
About your son recording his threats. Just because you have the proof does not mean you'll
use it. So there's no downside to getting the proof. But there's a great deal of upside if you
end up needing it. You wanted to understand what he's all about…… control and harming you. And
he'll use your kids to do so. A lot of what they do is to position themselves as the victim in
an effort to minimize support. So try to keep the issues of visitation and support as separate
as possible.
If the judge leans toward non-supervised visits, ask for psychiatric evaluation of both parents.
Unfortunately, this does not always work out favorably, but you may have a good judge or a bad
judge. If you have a bad one, you can only hope to persuade him/her.
Your little guy is just a baby. Don't treat him like an ally or a confidante. He is neither. He's
a little boy whose parents are at war. Try not to discuss the issues with your ex in front of
him. Let him know you love him and that you're trying to settle the differences you have with
his father as quickly as possible, and that what happens will be decided by the court.
I know how difficult this can be, I've been there.
MomhasGod, March 31, 2016 at 2:39 pm
Thank you for your advice and I'm sorry you had to go through it too. Psych evals are ordered
but it could be several more weeks. I've done research and know they can manipulate test givers
so it's supposed to be court ordered. My research also mostly comes up with the courts not understanding
how damaging psychopaths are. (He treated my oldest worse than my youngest, I've never told him
this and never will but the ex doesn't even think he's his…repeatedly refused a paternity test
to prove it…I assume it's coming from his own guilt???)My oldest, aged 13, just said yesterday
that the next time he has to see him he's going to tell him he wants nothing to do with him. Again,
I had no idea what to advise…this could be good and maybe he'd walk away, or bad and he'd have
a temper. This is a "man" that did 2 things that would have eventually caught my house on fire
knowing me and the kids are here just because I stood up for myself and didn't agree to what he
wanted. (I credit God with saving us by bringing it to my attention in subtle ways). I'm keeping
faith but I'm scared because I don't really know to what extent he'll go to.
I know he has a girlfriend, and honestly I do not care as I have no love for him at all, and
lots of people have said that's the best thing because he'll focus his attention on her. This
hasn't happened yet and I don't know when they met but she's been spending the night since the
2nd week of January. I feel sorry for her because she has no idea and I think he only got a girlfriend
because he's too lazy to do anything for himself like cook/clean/laundry/lawn/etc. Do you know
if they tend to back off once they get a new "victim"? Do you think it's a good idea if my son
told him to stay away or not? Thanks.
jm_short, March 31, 2016 at 4:54 pm
Mom-
Typically, a Psychopath will make one child a "Golden Child" and the other will be the "scapegoat."
and their roles may change over time.
As to your son telling his father he doesn't want to see him, this is not good timing to do so.
Your soon-to-be-ex will turn that into "parental alienation" and it will bolster his case for
custody.
The custody action is to cause you pain and cost you money. Does he really want custody….probably
not.
What your son should do is to let the therapists know of his fears, and the bad behavior he witnessed.
He could also tell the same thing to the judge if he gets that opportunity.
You've likely read the relationship with the woman correctly. And the children will be used to
bolster his claims that he's Mr. Wonderful and you're the problem. Your children should always
be able to reach you while they are "visiting" with him. Do they have their own phones?
Joyce
MomhasGod, March 31, 2016 at 6:13 pm
Thanks again. We're waiting on a court appointed Guardian ad Litem so I will let him know to
just talk to them. I know he doesn't want custody, never had patience for them, easily annoyed,
neglected the few times they were in his care. He tried having family time maybe once a week but
always ruined it with his tantrums…literally tossing board games if he even thought he was going
to loose, etc. The boys have seen enough to tell. My oldest has a phone. If he ends up getting
them does he have to let me contact them or vice versa or does that have to be outlined in the
order?
jm_short, April 11, 2016 at 11:27 am
MomhasGod-
People in authority will often blame the mother for her children not wanting to see their father.
It is a very difficult phenomenon to deal with. If the custody hearing precedes the psych evaluations,
your attorney could ask that a determination be postponed until the psych evals are complete.
The less negative comments you make about him, the better.
Also, if he sees you struggling over his visitation, he'll put more effort behind this battle.
Be calm. Simply ask that the court review the psych evaluations before making a decision.
Don't get into a pissing match with him. In fact, don't speak to him at all. If he speaks
to you, turn to your lawyer. Say what you need to her and have her speak for you.
If there were any instances of child abuse in which the children were injured and photos were
taken, or hospital records exist, you have a better chance of persuading a judge that there is
a problem. Without those, characterizing him as abusive is a dangerously slippery slope.
One of the things you could ask for is that when he has visitation, there be a drop off point
and pick up point (friend/relative) so you do not have to interact with him, and that all communication
be made through your attorney, not with you directly.
He gets his jollies by making you miserable. If he can't get access to you about the kids, and
there are witnesses to his visitation conduct, he'll probably get tired of visiting. He'll know
he's under scrutiny.
I wish you the best of luck dealing with this. Stay strong. It will be in your rear view mirror
before you know it. This is a phase you need to go through to get to the other side.
Joyce
NoMoreWool, April 13, 2016 at 12:56 pm
Many states now have a system of child exchange points so the parents don't interact with each
other at dropoff/pickup times. It also has the added benefit of documenting whether each parent
is following the custody schedule. I wish you all the best.
Joyce
MomhasGod, April 20, 2016 at 8:14 am
There has been so much drama. Visits are still supervised for now. He was over an hour late
to the mediation and he semi-showed himself. It was voice recorded so I hope the judge listens
to it. The mediator warned him many times he could get a deputy to escort him out. Evals are ordered
but I don't know when they will start. My lawyer asked for it to stay supervised until later.
A guardian was appointed so hopefully they will have a say. The mediator scolded him to for not
asking for any visits so I guess his lawyer talked him into it so he had his first supervised
and first time he's seen them since mid January. He gave my youngest money and my oldest nothing.
My kids haven't had a chance to speak on their behalf yet…they were supposed to at mediation but
didn't have time since he was so late. When my lawyer finally got maybe 5 minutes to speak she
pulled out a piece of evidence he didn't know I had and he was ticked…the most evil eyes and he
started mouthing threats to me but nobody else saw. We were ordered to go through and pay for
a website for all communication/visits. Last night he put in for a visit today at his house…just
me and the kids! I called the supervisors and they haven't heard from him at all since the last
visit and aren't even available today. Found out Monday that the courthouse was holding the divorce
papers so he got served at the courthouse, I thought he was already served so he had another outburst
and walked out. There's a ton more but it's just too much. I'm hanging in there and he doesn't
realize he will not break me.
Kindle edition
Notable quotes:
"... Society typically supports females, especially narcissistic women, as they
are often the victims of stereotypical males (in real life and fictional portrayals).
..."
"... In my case, I felt like a man who was for years playing on a stage and
with a coreography designed by my ex wife. ..."
"... As a victim, narcissism makes you crazy, the more you delve into it to
understand it, the more you get tangled in the lies, distorted views of reality,
crazy nonsense "dialogues", etc. ..."
"... I've lived with a female narcissist for years and reading this made me
fees as if the writer was right there with me for MY story! It's amazing how traumatic
these people are. ..."
"... I also really enjoyed another similar book " Surviving Sara " by Brian
Morgan. Very similar story and I can't help but few the pain these men went through.
..."
Todd L. Andrews on March 14, 2015 Format: Kindle Edition Verified
Purchase
This book is a desperately needed wake up call to NS men needing fluorescent
illumination in the middle of "gaslight" and other
I really identified with the "role reversal" and truth that there are
men that suffer under a female N's tactics. The severity and persistence
of the female N is exposed brilliantly in this book. Having Zari identify
the male as a victim of the narcissist is crucial to helping men break free
of the craziness, while also helping men identify why they feel so stuck
loving the woman they have committed their souls to. Also crucial, is the
chapter that breaks out the difficulty of "no contact" when children are
involved.
While many N relationships share much in common, the male NS suffers
under societies prescribed male strengths, and serves to undermine the ability
of men to overcome being trapped. Society typically supports females,
especially narcissistic women, as they are often the victims of stereotypical
males (in real life and fictional portrayals).
Kudos to the Author for helping unlock the chains of this forbidden subject.
There are, not undeservedly, many explicatives used in this book. I believe
the strong words are approiate representations of the years of suffering
and pain inflicted by the narcissist on their supply. The author's insights
will likely help release many NS men from their prison within.
Man_under_female_attack on April 15, 2015 Format: Kindle Edition
Verified Purchase
Men under pain by narc women deserved to get a book like this. I
was married to a narc women for several years, and we share a daughter.
I thank Zari Ballard for this excellent account of how narc females move
around in society, mostly unknown to other people, friends and relatives
who judge them just as "weird" or "arrogant".
In my case, I felt like a man who was for years playing on a stage
and with a coreography designed by my ex wife. Now, thanks to books
like this one, I can stand aside and *understand* what went on, and what
is currently going on. As a victim, narcissism makes you crazy, the
more you delve into it to understand it, the more you get tangled in the
lies, distorted views of reality, crazy nonsense "dialogues", etc.
I spent years married with a woman with whom I had no real dialogue,
without noticing it. If you are a man in distress, and you feel some woman
makes you feel miserable, please read this book to go deep into the causes
of your pain. Thanks Zari for your book, thanks from the many men that suffer
the pain inflicted by narcissistic women.
Jonathan Thompson on March 3, 2016 Format: Kindle Edition
Verified Purchase
Wow!! Amazing read.
I've lived with a female narcissist for years and reading this made
me fees as if the writer was right there with me for MY story! It's amazing
how traumatic these people are.
Well written. I also really enjoyed another similar book "Surviving
Sara" by Brian Morgan. Very similar story and I can't help but few the
pain these men went through.
Jack on December 11, 2015 Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Need to get off the crazy train? This is your first stop!
Guys, if your life is one gigantic roller coaster ride of being seduced,
destroyed emotionally, and then kicked to the curb when you say anything,
then this is the place to start.
If you're looking at this review, then you know something in your relationship
is slowly poisoning you to death. It is NOT you! Wanna know why? Get the
book!!!
PowermanBillX on April 29, 2015 Format: Kindle Edition Verified
Purchase
Absolute must read if you are in a relationship with a female N!
This book will give you the tools to end the roller coaster from Hell
ride once and for all. You have to summon the strength to end the dance
with crazy because if you don't, your life will NEVER be good or close to
normal!
Janja Lalich, Ph.D. & Michael D. Langone, Ph.D.
Concerted efforts at influence and control lie at the core of cultic groups, programs, and
relationships. Many members, former members, and supporters of cults are not fully aware of the
extent to which members may have been manipulated, exploited, even abused. The following list of
social-structural, social-psychological, and interpersonal behavioral patterns commonly found in
cultic environments may be helpful in assessing a particular group or relationship.
Compare these patterns to the situation you were in (or in which you, a family member, or
friend is currently involved). This list may help you determine if there is cause for concern.
Bear in mind that this list is not meant to be a "cult scale" or a definitive checklist to
determine if a specific group is a cult. This is not so much a diagnostic instrument as it is an
analytical tool.
- The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and
(whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as
law.
- Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
- Mind-altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation
sessions, and debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about
the group and its leader(s).
- The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel
(for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs, marry-or leaders prescribe what
types of clothes to wear, where to live, whether or not to have children, how to discipline
children, and so forth).
- The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s) and
members (for example, the leader is considered the Messiah, a special being, an avatar-or the
group and/or the leader is on a special mission to save humanity).
- The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider
society.
- The leader is not accountable to any authorities (unlike, for example, teachers, military
commanders or ministers, priests, monks, and rabbis of mainstream religious denominations).
- The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems
necessary. This may result in members' participating in behaviors or activities they would have
considered reprehensible or unethical before joining the group (for example, lying to family or
friends, or collecting money for bogus charities).
- The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt iin order to influence and/or control
members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.
- Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and
radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.
- The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.
- The group is preoccupied with making money.
- Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related
activities.
- Members are encouraged
or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.
- The most loyal members
(the "true believers") feel there can be no life outside the context of
the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals
to themselves or others if they leave (or even consider leaving) the group.
This checklist will be published in the new book, Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships
by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias (Berkeley: Bay Tree Publishing, 2006).
It was adapted from a checklist originally developed by Michael Langone.
Hardcover: 352 pages, Viking (January 12, 2016)
Notable quotes:
"... I went back and saw ways I got conned in matters of the heart while dating; in buying things;
in following certain leaders in church. ..."
"... As a former prosecutor of elder abuse crimes (both physical and financial), I have a lot of
experience with people who "fall for it." But that certainly doesn't mean everyone does. Nor does it
mean that the ones who don't "fall for it" are more cynical, less humane, less open to true friendship,
etc. In fact, Konnikova's description of victims of con artists as being more open and in touch with
their humanity sounds like the manipulation of a con artist. ..."
"... As a scientist, used to sorting through ambiguous evidence and well-meaning but underdetermined
interpretations, I find this book excellent. The author no doubt has to cast speculations of her own,
and overplay some connections and implications, but the connections between gullibility, optimism, cults,
and scams strike me as well articulated. ..."
"... But you are not at all privileged to launch unsolicited attacks on the personal attributes
of the author. (Your line "until she matures as a thinker and researcher....." was completely uncalled-for,
and hints more at your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy than anything else.) ..."
"... Three-card monte gets some attention - but that's not that interesting to me...I know why they
succeed, because people want to see if THEY can beat the game - it's not a con as much as a battle of
wits, which the rube always loses (I was cheated on a rigged carny game years ago - they suck you in
with a few easy wins, then it gets progressively harder to win the stuffed animal). ..."
"... as long as there's an advantage to fooling somebody, people will try to fool other people.
..."
"... A confidence game starts with basic human psychology. The con identifies what the victim wants
and how to play on that desire to achieve what the con-artist wants. Size someone up well, and you can
sell them anything; it helps to have someone in the throes of some sort of life turmoil - the conman
preys on what people wish were true, reaffirming their views of themselves and giving their lives meaning.
Doing so requires the creation of empathy and rapport - laying an emotional foundation before any scheme
is proposed. ..."
"... The con is an exercise in soft skills - trust, sympathy, persuasion. He doesn't steal - we
give. We believe because we want to, and we offer whatever they want - money, reputation, trust, fame,
support, and don't realize what is happening until it is too late. No one is immune to the art of the
con - it is not who you are, but where you happen to be at the moment in your life (eg. undergoing misfortune).
..."
"... The con is the oldest game there is, and it's likely to be entering a new age - thanks to new
opportunities brought by increasing technology that make it far easier to establish convincing false
identities (eg. LinkedIn), as well as identify those who might be more likely conned (dating sites that
identify widows and divorcees). ..."
"... Con artists aren't just master manipulators - they are expert storytellers (eg. 'I'm supporting
my mother, who now has AIDS,' 'I had PTSD from Iraq,' etc. Once we've accepted a story as true we will
probably unconsciously bend any contradictory information to conform to the conclusion we've already
drawn - it's known as 'confirmation bias.' Ultimately, what a confidence artist sells is hope. Many
cases go unreported - most cases, by some estimates. AARP found that only 37% of victims over 55 will
admit to having fallen for a con, and just over half those under 55 do so. Most con artists don't ever
come to trial because they aren't brought to the authorities to begin with. ..."
"... The first commandment of the con man - 'Be a patient listener.' (Victor Lustig, con artist)
Emotion is the primary hook used, much more powerful than logic. Cons tend to thrive in the wake of
economic or natural disaster illness, personal travail. Sadness makes us more prone to risk taking and
impulsivity - perfect for certain types of cons. Con artists love funerals and obituaries, divorces,
layoffs, and general loneliness. He does everything in his power to bring our self-perceived better-than-averageness
perceptions to the fore - eg. 'How intelligent you are, Professor Frampton.' And we believe it, because
we want it to be. ..."
"... They recognize common traits, like our tendency to see others as similar to ourselves, our
illusion of control, and our unwillingness to think badly about ourselves. These traits aren't weaknesses;
without them, we'd be functionally paralyzed. Effective swindlers work by turning our best characteristics
and human capabilities against us. ..."
"... Fraudsters prey on traits that open us to community, family, and fiscal reward. As Konnikova
writes: "The same thing that can underlie success can also make you all the more vulnerable to the grifter's
wares. We are predisposed to trust." With swindles, as with propaganda, those who think themselves most
immune are, actually, most vulnerable. ..."
"... "It's not that the confidence artist is inherently psychopathic, caring nothing about the fates
of others. It's that, to him, we aren't worthy of consideration as human beings; we are targets, not
unique people." ..."
"... Konnikova suggests it's difficult to prevent con-games without isolating ourselves and descending
into cynicism. In the later chapters, though, she reverses the trend, showing how skilled, self-aware
people can resist flim-flam artists' techniques. Not hypothetically, either: she shows how real people,
cult busters and cultural anthropologists and police, have maintained their sanity when confronted by
seemingly insurmountable double-dealing. Resistance is possible. ..."
"... Even if we never vote for crooks, invest with Bernie Madoff, or buy salvation sellers' wares,
the potential for confidence games still surrounds us. Konnikova provides needed tools for self-awareness,
clear boundaries, and bold self-defense. Swindles are inevitable; victimhood isn't. ..."
Dan E. Nicholas, February 4, 2016
And some are not even bad people. She says it's when folks who lack ...I'm reading and
loving this book. I'll expand my review when I'm completely done in a couple days but just have
to say: get it. Read it. Learn about yourself; if you dare. (I gave it four stars rather than
five to protect myself!)
I was shocked how well she documents that it is we the conned that want the con to be real.
The Grifter doesn't even have to always be that skilled. I went back and saw ways I got conned
in matters of the heart while dating; in buying things; in following certain leaders in church.
Stunned to learned that 1% of the population is psychopathological in the way their brains
are wired, some folks just can't feel or give meaning to your pain or the pain of others. And
some are not even bad people. She says it's when folks who lack this "proper" wiring aim to use
it for financial gain or to win and break hearts? Awful.
I fell in love with a Man Eater once. Looking back I see how it was my fault in setting up
my own fall. I want things to look like they would work. The bad rests on me now. She's still
a Man Eater. But the wounds I earned with my stupidity. I went on to find success with love but
I've some scars for sure due to female cons running scams unwittingly online with dating sights.
She shows we can be wise without being cynical. I like that.
Wild'n'Free
Disappointing but with some qualities, November 28, 2015
Konnikova promises a lot in the titles to her books. I read Mastermind: How to Think Like Sherlock
Holmes and was disappointed. I did not learn to think like Sherlock Holmes; not by a long shot.
In this book, Konnikova has come closer to delivering the "Why We Fall for It . . . Every Time"
but I disagree with her observations and conclusions.
As a former prosecutor of elder abuse crimes (both physical and financial), I have a lot
of experience with people who "fall for it." But that certainly doesn't mean everyone does. Nor
does it mean that the ones who don't "fall for it" are more cynical, less humane, less open to
true friendship, etc. In fact, Konnikova's description of victims of con artists as being more
open and in touch with their humanity sounds like the manipulation of a con artist.
Not that I think Konnikova is a con artist. She is just a very ambitious young woman and a
self-promoter. I have read a lot of her magazine articles and have enjoyed many of them. Unfortunately,
her organizational and analytical skills as a writer do not make her a good writer of books. Viewed
as a series of magazine articles with the inevitable repetitions this book holds up fairly well.
But as a book, it lacks a great deal. It certainly deserves 3 stars, but its failure to respond
to bigger questions with bigger answers makes it fall short. For me, it was an uneven, often repetitious,
fairly shallow approach to a fascinating subject. Until she matures as a thinker and researcher,
Konnikova does better when she sticks to the magazine articles that she handles so well.
SundayAtDusk says:
"In fact, Konnikova's description of victims of con artists as being more open and in
touch with their humanity sounds like the manipulation of a con artist."
Excellent observation and excellent review.
JohnVidale says:
As a scientist, used to sorting through ambiguous evidence and well-meaning but underdetermined
interpretations, I find this book excellent. The author no doubt has to cast speculations
of her own, and overplay some connections and implications, but the connections between
gullibility, optimism, cults, and scams strike me as well articulated. The field of
psychology is messy, but this book was very interesting and enlightening, clear as is possible
(aside from chapters organized like magazine articles), and the connection between empathetic
people and people who get scammed seems completely reasonable, albeit with a less than perfect
correlation.
Joe Madison says:
I have the same question as Ellis Reppo: If this book is only average, can you recommend
a good one? I have not read The Confidence Game, but I have a psych degree and a longstanding
interest in persuasion. I often find popular psych books to be like you describe The Confidence
Game (repetitive, without great breadth of understanding), and so your own book recommendations
would be of real value. Thanks!
pat black says:
There's one called Eyeing the Flash: The Making of a Carnival Con Artist. A case study,
if you will, of a 17-year-old middle class math whiz who became a midway con man in 1960s
midwest
JLMK
I'd stick to making an unbiased appraisal of the merits of the book if I were you, and
cut out the ad hominem nonsense. As a reviewer you are privileged to make an opinion on
the book's attributes, how it answers the questions raised by the author, etc.
But you are not at all privileged to launch unsolicited attacks on the personal attributes
of the author. (Your line "until she matures as a thinker and researcher....." was completely
uncalled-for, and hints more at your feelings of insecurity and inadequacy than anything
else.)
Kirk McElhearn says:
Read David Maurer's The Big Con. It explains how the cons work, rather than focusing
on lots of psychological studies that Konnikova looks at, trying to suss out why we respond
the way we do.
Nathan Webster TOP 1000 REVIEWER VINE VOICE on November 27, 2015
Entertaining and interesting look at conmen and the rubes who buy what they sell
This is a fun book that covers a lot of ground about 'cons,' from the personalities of those
who can commit them, to the marks and rubes who get taken advantage of.
You would think in our informed culture, we couldn't be fooled, but we know that's not the
case. Author Maria Konnikova does a good job presenting all sides of these stories and it's often
entertaining reading about the pure brazeness of it all. I had not heard of many of the conmen
(and women) that she describes and I always like reading new stories.
I do wish there had been more recent accounts - there are so many cheaters like Lance Armstrong
that aren't exactly doing it for profit, and more attention to them would have been interesting.
Three-card monte gets some attention - but that's not that interesting to me...I know why
they succeed, because people want to see if THEY can beat the game - it's not a con as much as
a battle of wits, which the rube always loses (I was cheated on a rigged carny game years ago
- they suck you in with a few easy wins, then it gets progressively harder to win the stuffed
animal).
I think the book is not disorganized, but it does cover a lot of ground, and the different
names and situations can be difficult to follow at times. Interesting and entertaining, yes, but
just be ready to pay attention.
Ultimately, it's an interesting sociological study - as long as there's an advantage to
fooling somebody, people will try to fool other people. I would not use this book as the
primary source - I think a reader should have interest in this specific topic first, and not use
this book to try to get interested. It's a little too specific to get a reader invested who comes
to the topic totally new.
Loyd Eskildson
HALL OF FAMEon January 12, 2016
Rogues Regularly Triumph Over The MeekAuthor Maria Konnikova has a Ph.D. in Psychology
from Columbia, along with considerable experience researching topics in and writing about psychology.
This, her second book, is about conmen - elegant, outsized personalities, artists of persuasion
and exploiters of trust, not just your dime a dozen cheats and swindlers. Their 'bible' is Dale
Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
A confidence game starts with basic human psychology. The con identifies what the victim
wants and how to play on that desire to achieve what the con-artist wants. Size someone up well,
and you can sell them anything; it helps to have someone in the throes of some sort of life turmoil
- the conman preys on what people wish were true, reaffirming their views of themselves and giving
their lives meaning. Doing so requires the creation of empathy and rapport - laying an emotional
foundation before any scheme is proposed.
The con is an exercise in soft skills - trust, sympathy, persuasion. He doesn't steal -
we give. We believe because we want to, and we offer whatever they want - money, reputation, trust,
fame, support, and don't realize what is happening until it is too late. No one is immune to the
art of the con - it is not who you are, but where you happen to be at the moment in your life
(eg. undergoing misfortune).
By the time things begin to look dicey, the victims tend to be so invested, emotionally and
often physically, that they do most of the persuasion themselves. The con-artist may not even
need to convince his victims to stay quite - they usually are more likely than not to do so themselves.
When we hear others talking about their unbelievable deal or good fortune, we realize at once
they've been taken for a sucker, but when it happens to us, it's simply because "I'm lucky and
deserving of a good turn."
The best of cons are never discovered - we simply write our loss off as a matter of bad luck.
Psychopaths make up an estimated 1% of male population; among women, they are almost nonexistent.
Grifters also are highly likely to be narcissist and Machiavellian. Narcissism entails a sense
of grandiosity, entitlement, an overly inflated sense of worth, and manipulativeness. Machiavellian
has come to mean a specific set of traits that allows one to manipulate others - employs aggressive,
manipulative, exploiting, and devious moves. They are also more likely to attempt to bluff, cheat,
bargain, and ingratiate themselves with others, and more successful at doing so.
Leadership and high-profile roles, salesmen/marketers, and the legal profession are all more
likely to be populated by confidence men.
Researcher James Fallon believes that certain critical periods in childhood can nudge one more
or less towards full-blown psychopathy - luck out, you become a high-functioning psychopath, get
the bad draw and you become a violent psychopath. Fallon believes the first three years of life
are crucial in determining one's psychopathic future.
The con is the oldest game there is, and it's likely to be entering a new age - thanks
to new opportunities brought by increasing technology that make it far easier to establish convincing
false identities (eg. LinkedIn), as well as identify those who might be more likely conned (dating
sites that identify widows and divorcees). Since 2008, consumer fraud in the U.S. has risen
more than 60%, with online scams more than doubling. In 2012 alone, the Internet Crime Complaint
Center reported almost 300,000 complaints of online fraud, with over $500 million lost. Between
2011 and 2012, the Federal Trade Commission found that a little over 10% of American adults (25.6
million) had fallen victim to fraud. The majority of the cases involved fake weight-loss products,
second place went to false prize promotions, and in third place was buyers' clubs in which what
seemed like a free deal actually involves membership charges you didn't even know you'd signed
up for. Fourth was unauthorized Internet billing, and finally work-at-home programs.
Con artists aren't just master manipulators - they are expert storytellers (eg. 'I'm supporting
my mother, who now has AIDS,' 'I had PTSD from Iraq,' etc. Once we've accepted a story as true
we will probably unconsciously bend any contradictory information to conform to the conclusion
we've already drawn - it's known as 'confirmation bias.' Ultimately, what a confidence artist
sells is hope. Many cases go unreported - most cases, by some estimates. AARP found that only
37% of victims over 55 will admit to having fallen for a con, and just over half those under 55
do so. Most con artists don't ever come to trial because they aren't brought to the authorities
to begin with.
Most people require three things to align before going from legitimacy to con-artistry - motivation
(underlying predisposition created by psychopathy), narcissism, and Machiavellianism - along with
opportunity and a plausible rationale. In corporate fraud, for example, few choose to con in a
vacuum - they also perceive an aggressive sales environment (opportunity) and a feeling they must
do something to stand out. For a significant percentage of the conning population, surroundings
matter. About half those who commit fraud cite intolerable competitive conditions as justification.
They can rationalize away just about any behavior as necessary.
In one study of 15,000, only 50 could consistently detect liars - they relied on detecting
incredibly fast facial movements as their clues. One of those 50 is now employed in law enforcement,
and she told the author that smart psychopaths are super liars and have no conscience, and are
very hard for her to identify.
The first commandment of the con man - 'Be a patient listener.' (Victor Lustig, con artist)
Emotion is the primary hook used, much more powerful than logic. Cons tend to thrive in the wake
of economic or natural disaster illness, personal travail. Sadness makes us more prone to risk
taking and impulsivity - perfect for certain types of cons. Con artists love funerals and obituaries,
divorces, layoffs, and general loneliness. He does everything in his power to bring our self-perceived
better-than-averageness perceptions to the fore - eg. 'How intelligent you are, Professor Frampton.'
And we believe it, because we want it to be.
Consistency plays a crucial role in our ongoing evaluations of a person we're helping - 'If
I've helped you before, you must be worth it.'
Overall - some good points about con-men - but far too reliant on anecdotes.
Kevin L. Nenstiel
TOP 1000 REVIEWER
VINE VOICE. November 2, 2015
Know How Crooks Think, So They Can't Outthink You
Our world positively teems with swindlers, ripoff artists, and con-men. From ordinary curbside
Three-Card Monte to charming, narcissistic domestic abusers, to Ponzi schemers and Wall Street
market riggers, the confidence game exudes from society's very pores. Psychologist turned journalist
Maria Konnikova wants to unpack what makes us susceptible to con artists, a journey that leads
through all human psychology, sometimes vulnerable to diversions and cow paths.
Konnikova's first book,
Mastermind: How to Think Like Sherlock Holmes, dealt with how crime fighters organize thoughts,
observe reality, and undermine criminal mentality. This book essentially addresses the same issues
from the opposite angle: how criminals create situations that need busting. Konnikova's conclusions
may seem surprising, until we consider them further. Vulnerability to confidence artists and other
professional chiselers actually means our psyches are healthy.
Confidence artists work with an encyclopedic understanding of human psychology with which research
scientists are only now catching up. They recognize common traits, like our tendency to see
others as similar to ourselves, our illusion of control, and our unwillingness to think badly
about ourselves. These traits aren't weaknesses; without them, we'd be functionally paralyzed.
Effective swindlers work by turning our best characteristics and human capabilities against us.
We must recognize, therefore, that making ourselves insusceptible to cons isn't actually desirable.
Fraudsters prey on traits that open us to community, family, and fiscal reward. As Konnikova writes:
"The same thing that can underlie success can also make you all the more vulnerable to the grifter's
wares. We are predisposed to trust." With swindles, as with propaganda, those who think themselves
most immune are, actually, most vulnerable.
The answer lies in understanding ourselves and the swindlers better. They don't see us like
we see ourselves. They don't want to. We must cultivate complex understanding of different human
thought patterns, and a stronger sense of ourselves. Konnikova again: "It's not that the confidence
artist is inherently psychopathic, caring nothing about the fates of others. It's that, to him,
we aren't worthy of consideration as human beings; we are targets, not unique people."
All isn't bleak. Throughout most of this book, Konnikova suggests it's difficult to prevent
con-games without isolating ourselves and descending into cynicism. In the later chapters, though,
she reverses the trend, showing how skilled, self-aware people can resist flim-flam artists' techniques.
Not hypothetically, either: she shows how real people, cult busters and cultural anthropologists
and police, have maintained their sanity when confronted by seemingly insurmountable double-dealing.
Resistance is possible.
As Konnikova explains confidence artists' psychological techniques, her focus expands to include
much about recent discoveries in psychology and behavioral economics. She wants readers to emerge
with as thorough an understanding of human minds as the fraud merchants enjoy. This sometimes
makes her technique sprawling (this book runs over 300 pages plus back matter, unusually long
for its genre.)
Reading Konnikova sometimes requires especial concentration and focus.
She richly rewards those who stick with her narrative, though. I've recently seen one friend
lose rafts to shady investments and two others get burned by charming, narcissistic romantic partners.
Even if we never vote for crooks, invest with Bernie Madoff, or buy salvation sellers' wares,
the potential for confidence games still surrounds us. Konnikova provides needed tools for self-awareness,
clear boundaries, and bold self-defense. Swindles are inevitable; victimhood isn't.
Notable quotes:
"... The 43-year-old actress said she wanted other sufferers to know that help was available, and claimed that being diagnosed with bipolar disorder had made her appreciate life all the more. ..."
"... "The smartest thing I did was to stop going online," ..."
"... "I'm the sort of person who will just look for the negative. Michael really can't understand it, but that's the way I am. And, with my bipolar thing, that's poison. ..."
Welsh actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has spoken out about her battle
with manic depression after being admitted to a US rehabilitation clinic last
year, in an effort to lift the "stigma" of mental illness.
Catherine Zeta-Jones has spoken about her battle with manic depression in
an effort to lift the "stigma" of mental illness.
The 43-year-old actress said she wanted other sufferers to know that
help was available, and claimed that being diagnosed with bipolar disorder had
made her appreciate life all the more.
In April last year, Zeta-Jones was admitted to a US rehabilitation clinic
where doctors concluded she was suffering from bipolar II disorder, a form of
manic depression.
Her husband, fellow actor Michael Douglas, was recovering from treatment
for throat cancer at the time.
"I'm not the kind of person who likes to shout out my personal issues from
the rooftops but, with my bipolar becoming public, I hope fellow sufferers will
know it is completely controllable," Zeta-Jones told US InStyle magazine.
"I hope I can help remove any stigma attached to it, and that those who don't
have it under control will seek help with all that is available to treat it."
Describing the past 18 months as "an intense time in good ways and bad",
the Welsh actress said: "You find out who you really are and who are you are
married to. You find things inside yourself you never imagined were there.
"I've gained an appreciation for little things, like tea outside on a terrace."
Zeta-Jones admitted that, at the height of her illness, she Googled her name
to find negative comments about herself.
"The smartest thing I did was to stop going online," she said.
"I'm the sort of person who will just look for the negative. Michael
really can't understand it, but that's the way I am. And, with my bipolar thing,
that's poison.
"So I just stopped. Cold turkey. And it's so liberating."
The couple have two children, Dylan and Carys, and Zeta-Jones claimed they
have a down-to-earth lifestyle. "We're country people, really, I garden and
knit. I golf. We ride horses," she said.
"I love clothes and, yes, we go out, but it's not like I'm walking around
all day in a negligee with fluffy mules."
ef on
July 17, 2011
If three of the last five words in this title have meaning to you, get this book, it WILL save
your life
Does your partner have periods of uncontrollable rage? Bizarre behaviors? A truly astonishing
ability to twist words and reinterpret reality around you? Wild mood swings? Hair trigger temper?
Have you been desperate enough that you spend your free time surreptitiously Google-ing psychological
disorders to try to "poor mans diagnose" what you're dealing with?
Clearly you have. If you're reading this, you're probably doing research Right Now in the vain
hope of getting an answer to the one question you've been asking yourself night and day for as
long as you can remember: What Do I Do?
If that sounds like you, get this book, it will save your life.
On second thought, clear your browser cache, erase cookies and search history, and beg a friend
to buy this book for you so it does not get shipped to your home address. I'm not kidding. Read
the title again.
MarkA,
September 10, 2011
Helps educate you to lower risks of arrest, abuse investigations from false allegations
& help custody efforts
After having gone through the first years of post separation & divorce, I can definitely agree
that PROTECTING YOURSELF is top priority when separating, especially if you have children. Educate
yourself while quietly documenting the spouse's behaviors, quietly and confidentially seek the
advice of a few family law attorneys who have experience with high conflict cases, carefully consider
your options and prepare accordingly.Decades ago the hot-button threats by disordered spouses
were claiming you were a closet homosexual or having an affair. These days such allegations are
ho-hum and ignored in most courts. What has replaced them? Claims of DV (against the spouse) and
child neglect, abuse or molestation. Why? To unfairly gain advantage or keep the upper hand in
the court's custody and parenting decisions. Those are extreme hot-button issues and agencies
are just waiting for a call to jump into action, this is the one time where the allegation is
presumed valid at first and the presumption of innocence is set aside at first. An innocent spouse
or parent (you) can be arrested and charged with some very serious offenses.
If your spouse has threatened to make false allegations in the past, then that means it has been
contemplated and therefore you are at heightened risk. DO NOT FOOL YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE NOT AT
RISK! William Eddy presents information that will help you to avoid many common presumptions,
mistakes and pitfalls us Nice Guys and Nice Gals are likely to make when we first encounter the
judicial (not justice) system. Sorry, but normal common sense does not apply in court and the
truth does not always prevail. Courts, including family/domestic court, make decisions based on
written laws, case law which has modified the application of written laws, and the latitude allowed
for the case-by-case discretion by judges. That is why this book is so helpful, in addition to
your family law attorney's legal advice.
To echo the excellent advice in another comment: If that sounds like you, get this book, it will
save your life. On second thought, clear your browser cache, erase cookies and search history,
and BEG a friend to buy this book for you so it does not get shipped to your home address or appear
on your credit card or bank statements. I'm not kidding. Read the title again. PROTECT YOURSELF.
Holly O.
on January 2, 2013
Splitting - Aint talking about an equitable divorce
I read this book too late to fully be effective. The best advice that you can take is; show
absolutely NO mercy to these soul-sucking people. Sure, it is a behavioral disorder, but there
is no excuse and a great deal of choice-making that goes into the decisions that are made during
the divorce process. They will never own their own faults - ever.
Borderlines will immediately begin with a character assassination and side-setting of as many
people as possible, and will split up all players in the game into black and white pieces. You
are black, WILL have the second move and will remain behind as long as your bank account holds
out because nothing is more important to the BPD than the process of proving to the world that
you are wrong, bad and probably belong in prison away from all of the white players, including
only those of your children that believe the stories. It might include a custody battle with accusations
of child abuse, when in fact the real abuse are the lies and deceit that are wielded upon your
impressionable and confused children. The narcissists are the worst because there is absolutely
no self reflection in the process. If a borderline is not narcissist, then there is a possibility
to change the game during one of the many "woe is me" moments.
Absolutely DO NOT GIVE UP and do not do anything stupid. Truth does not matter in court; it is
only about going through the motions. Tell your attorney to go for the jugular and spare no expense
on getting your kids. However, do not fight dirty directly. Do not talk bad about your BPD ex
to your kids or ANY of your common friends. Only talk about truth, including his/her mental disorder.
Kids have automatic BS detectors. If you tell the truth, you will win. Period.
Now, read this book. Own it. If you are smart enough to use this knowledge to your advantage,
you will win. After 5 years of pure hell from BPD people in my life, I have finally recovered
but it took everything including relationships, money, nearly all property and two jobs. BPD splitting
is war and reading this book is the first step in a good battle plan.
Marcy L. Thompson
A large number of books on the topic of anger have recently come into my house -- how to
recognize anger, what it means, and how to "control" it. This is the only one of these books
that I liked. All the other books on this topic seem to treat anger as a loss of control,
which should be repressed. In fact, they seem to be about impulse control more than about
anger. (I have nothing against people learning to control their impulses, I just don't think
that it's the same topic as the topic of anger.) Luckily, I did not pay for any of these
books, so I can just be glad I read this one, and forget about the others.
In this book, Lerner treats anger as a signal that something
is going wrong. She explains that only when we address the "something wrong"
in a useful way will the anger go away. Then she explores the "dances" we engage in, in
our attempts to make ourselves feel better. She suggests that most of our attempts to make
ourselves feel better focus on the person(s) we think made us mad, rather than on ourselves.
She compassionately and wisely shows how to disengage from the anger and the counter-productive
patterns, while staying connected and acting with integrity. However, she also acknowledges
the effect that this sort of change can have on other people in the dance, and she provides
guidance in maintaining oneself in the face of countermoves.
Fundamentally, this is not the kind of self-help book that provides 10 easy steps to
ridding oneself of anger. Instead, it describes a different way to think about anger, and
discussion of the ways in which one can respond to anger. No easy steps, just a way of thinking,
which can radically change the way one engages with the world.
Rev. Dr. Jude Arnold (Arkansas, USA) -
The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner, Kindle Version
A BOOK REPORT BY REV. DR. JUDE ARNOLDI was happy to find the eBook version of Dr. Lerner's
1970's classic. I'm finding writing my first review of an eBook much more challenging, tho.
Dr. Lerner, a champion in women's psychology, offers us this awesome self help around anger.
I begin with the Epilogue in which Dr. Lerner talks about what she means by self help.
"'Defining a self' or `becoming one's own person' is a task that one ultimately does
alone....In the end, I define what I think, feel and believe....Yet, this lonely and challenging
task cannot be accomplished in isolation. We can only accomplish it through our connectedness
with others and the new learning about ourselves our relationships provide."(Italics and
Underlining throughout are Dr. Lerner's.)
In her books Dr. Learner always stresses "the importance of learning about the experience
of family members and sharing our own." She also adds her belief that it's "equally crucial
for us to connect with the family of womankind....This book [is] about personal anger and
personal change, but as feminism has taught us, `the personal is political.' This means
that there is a circular connection between the patterns of our intimate relationships and
the degree to which women are represented, valued, and empowered in every aspect of society
and culture.... "It is not sufficient for individual women to learn to move differently
in personal relationships. If we do not also challenge and change the societal institutions
that keep women in a subordinate and de-selfed position outside the home, what goes on inside
the home will continue to be problematic for us all....Whether the problem we face is a
marital battle or the escalating nuclear arms race, women and men both have a long legacy
of blaming people rather than understanding patterns. Our challenge is to listen carefully
to our own anger and use it in the service of change - while we hold tight to all that is
valuable in our female heritage and tradition."
Dr. Lerner wrote The Dance of Anger "to help readers not only identify the true sources
of their anger, but also to learn how to change the patterns from which anger springs....The
challenge of anger is at the heart of our struggle to achieve intimacy, self-esteem, and
joy. Learning how to deal with it is worth the journey, even though there are no six-easy-steps
to personal fulfillment and relationship bliss. The Dance of Anger teaches readers to understand
how relationships operate and how to change our part in them. It encourages readers to go
the hard route."
Anger is a signal that "can motivate us to say `no' to the ways in which we are defined
by others and `yes' to the dictates of our inner self. Women, however, have long been discouraged
{and condemned} for the awareness and forthright expression of anger....The taboos against
our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is
not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational
or worse.... "Why are angry women so threatening to others? If we are guilty, depressed,
or self-doubting we stay in place. We do not take action except against our own selves and
we are unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may
change and challenge the lives of us all, as witnessed by the past decade of feminism."
(I believe she refers, unfortunately, to the 1960's here.)
"Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and
attention. We all have a right to everything we feel - and certainly our anger is no exception....Our
anger signals a problem, but provides us with no answers - not even a clue - as to how to
solve it." Dr. Lerner does not however advocate venting anger or letting it all hang out.
"Feelings of depression, low self-esteem, self-betrayal, and even self-hatred are inevitable
when we fight but continue to submit to unfair circumstances, when we complain but live
in a way that betrays our hopes, values and potentials....Those of us who are locked into
ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry
at all."
Dr. Lerner defines two styles of managing anger, the nice lady who avoids anger and conflict
at all cost, and the bitch who is easily angered and fights with no constructive resolution.
In reality, both these styles "serve equally well to protect others, to blur our clarity
of self, and to ensure that change does not occur....Anger is inevitable when [nice ladies']
lives consist of giving in and going along; when we assume responsibility for other people's
feelings and reactions; when we relinquish our primary responsibility to proceed with our
own growth and ensure the quality of our own lives; when we behave as if having a relationship
is more important than having a self....Nothing, but nothing, will block the awareness of
anger so effectively as guilt and self-doubt. Our society cultivates guilt feelings in women
such that many of us still feel guilty if we are anything less than an emotional service
station to others." On the other hand, the nature of the hysterical bitch's "fighting or
angry accusations may actually allow the other person to get off the hook" protecting old
familiar patterns as surely as does silence. The end result in both these styles is we end
up feeling powerless. Our self-esteem suffers because we have not addressed the real issues
causing our anger.
It is in our first family relationships that closeness often leads to stuckness. Dr.
Lerner teaches us to use our anger energy to get unstuck in our stickiest relationships
first, so these same issues will not fuel the fires in all of our other relationships. "The
ability to use anger as a tool for change requires that we gain a deeper understanding and
knowledge of how relationships operate....unresolved issues from our past inevitably surface
in our current relationships." We simply must learn to use our anger to change our own patterns
of relating rather than blame and try to change other people.
Dr. Lerner identifies these four areas we need to learn to develop our skills and to
use our anger as a tool for change in relationships: "1. We Can Learn to Tune In to the
True Sources of Our Anger and Clarify Where We Stand. "2. We Can Learn Communications Skills.
"3. We Can Learn to Observe and Interrupt Nonproductive Patterns of Interaction....We cannot
make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps,
the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern. "4. We Can Learn to Anticipate
and Deal with Countermoves and `Change Back!' Reactions from Others....In all families there
is a powerful opposition to one member defining a more independent self...The powerful emotional
counterforce (`You're wrong'; `Change back!' `Or else....') is predictable, understandable,
and to some extent, universal."
Dr. Lerner adds, "It is never easy to move away from silent submission or ineffective
fighting toward a calm but firm assertion of who we are, where we stand, what we want, and
what is and is not acceptable to us....Not only can we acquire new ways of managing old
angers; we can also gain a clearer and stronger `I' and with it, the capacity for a more
intimate and gratifying `we.' Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between
having a relationship and having a self. This book is about having both.....If two people
become one, a separation can feel like a psychological or a physical death. We may have
nothing - not even a self to fall back on - when an important relationships ends. We all
need to have both an `I' and a `we' that nourish and give meaning to each other....The more
we carve out a clear and separate `I', the more we can experience and enjoy both intimacy
and aloneness."
Dr. Lerner demonstrates that all, and especially romantic, relationships can be like
a seesaw; "the underfunctioning of one individual allows for the overfunctioning of the
other....The more the man [i.e.] avoids sharing his own weaknesses, neediness, and vulnerability,
the more his woman may experience and express more than her share. The more the woman avoids
showing her competence and strength, the more her man will have an inflated sense of his
own. And if the underfunctioning partner starts looking better, the overfunctioning partner
will start looking worse....If the woman is further convinced that she herself cannot survive
without the relationship, she will vent her anger in a manner that only reinforces the old
familiar patterns from which her anger stems....
"Whenever one person makes a move to rebalance the seesaw, there is a countermove by
the other party. There are few things more anxiety-arousing than shifting to a higher level
of self-assertion and separateness in an important relationship and maintaining the position
despite the countermoves of the other person....Countermoves are the other person's unconscious
attempt to restore a relationship to its previous balance or equilibrium, when anxiety about
separateness and change gets too high....What matters is the degree to which we are able
to take a clear position in a relationship and behave in ways that are congruent with our
stated beliefs....The woman who sits at the bottom of a seesaw marriage accumulates a great
amount of rage, which is in direct proportion to the degree of her submission and sacrifice....Sometimes,
to develop a stronger `I' is to come to terms with our deep-seated wish to leave an unsatisfactory
marriage and this possibility may be no less frightening than the fear of being left."
Dr. Learners covers the subject of triangles in great depth. "Identifying the real issues
is not an easy matter. It is particularly difficult among family members because when two
adults have a conflict, they often bring in a third party to form a triangle, which then
makes it even harder for the two people involved to identify and work out their problems....
Underground issues from one relationship or context invariably fuel our fires in another."
We detour "feelings of anger from one person to another....We reduce anxiety in one relationship
by focusing on a third party, who we unconsciously pull into the situation to lower the
emotional intensity in the original pair. Triangles can become rigidly entrenched blocking
the growth of the individuals in them and keeping us from identifying the actual sources
of conflict in our relationships....Triangles greatly increase the probability of escalating
aggression....The three essential ingredients of extricating oneself from a triangle are:
staying calm, staying out, and hanging in." It is never helpful to anyone to gossip or talk
about a third party. "In the best of all possible worlds we might envision separate person-to-person
relationships with our friends, coworkers, and family members that were not excessively
influenced by other relationships."
Most of us put our anger energy into trying to change the other person. This, Dr. Lerner
repeatedly exclaims, is impossible. We "secretly believe that we have the corner on the
`truth' and that this would be a much better world if everyone else believed and reacted
exactly as we do. But one of the hallmarks of emotional maturity is to recognize the validity
of multiple realities and to understand that people think, feel, and react differently."
Closeness does not mean sameness. "We have a right to everything we think and feel - and
so does everyone else. It is our job to state our thoughts and feelings clearly and to make
responsible decisions that are congruent with our values and beliefs. It is not our job
to make another person think and feel the way we do or the way we want them to.... We are
able to move away from ineffective fighting only when we give up the fantasy that we can
change or control another person. It is only then that we can reclaim the power that is
truly ours - the power to change our own selves and take new and different actions on our
own behalf."
Dr. Lerner gives example after example illustrating these same basic lessons: "First,
`letting it all hang out' may not be helpful because venting anger may protect rather than
challenge the old rules and patterns in a relationship. Second, the only person we can change
and control is our own self. Third, changing our own self can feel so threatening and difficult
that it is often easier to continue an old pattern of silent withdrawal or ineffective fighting
and blaming. And, finally, de-selfing is at the heart of our most serious anger problems."
"Even rats in a maze learn to vary their behavior if they keep hitting a dead end. Why
in the world, then, do we behave less intelligently than laboratory animals? Repeating the
same old fights protects us from the anxieties we are bound to experience when we make a
change....Human nature is such that when we are angry, we tend to become so emotionally
reactive to what the other person is doing to us that we lose our ability to observe our
own part in the interaction....Self-observation is the process of seeing the interaction
of ourselves and others, and recognizing that the ways other people behave with us has something
to do with the way we behave with them." The form of this circular dance is universal in
which the behavior of each serves "to maintain and provoke the other. Once a part of an
established twosome - married or unmarried, lesbian or straight - the more each person tries
to change things, the more things stay the same."
I am beginning to understand how my interaction had become a circular dance in which
my behavior maintained and provoked behavior in my significant other. "In the final analysis
it matters little who started it.... A good way to make this break is to recognize the part
we play in maintaining and provoking the other person's behavior. Even if we are convinced
that the other person is ninety-seven percent to blame we are still in control of changing
our three percent." Bottom line - "We do not have the power to change another person who
does not want to change, and our attempts to do so may actually protect him or her from
change. This is the paradox of the circular dances in which we all participate."
"Opposites do attract, but they do not always live happily ever after. On the one hand,
it is reassuring to live with someone who will express parts of one's own self that one
is afraid to acknowledge; yet, the arrangement has its inevitable costs: The woman [i.e.]who
is expressing feelings not only for herself but also for her husband will indeed end up
behaving `hysterically' and `irrationally.' The man who relies on his wife to do the `feeling
work' for him will increasingly lose touch with this important part of himself, "and when
the time comes that he needs to draw upon his emotional resources, he may find that nobody's
at home....This is the `masculinity' that our society breeds - the male who feels at home
in the world of things and abstract ideas but who has little empathic connection to others
, little attunement to his own internal world, and little willingness or capacity to `hang
in' when a relationship becomes conflicted and stressful... . Doing the `feeling work' like
cleaning up has long been defined as `woman's work', and lots of women are good at it. As
with cleaning up, men will not begin to do their shares until women no longer do it for
them."
"When a woman vents her anger ineffectively or expresses it in an overemotional style,
she does not threaten her man. If anything she helps him maintain his masculine cool, while
she herself is perceived as infantile or irrational. When a woman clarifies the issue and
uses her anger to move toward something new and different, the change occurs. If she stops
over-functioning [overinvolvement] for others and starts acting for herself, her underfunctioning
[underinvolvement] man is likely to acknowledge and deal with his own anxieties."
Dr. Lerner goes on to identify two other types of dancers: "Emotional pursuers are persons
who reduce their anxiety by sharing feelings and seeking close emotional contact. Emotional
distancers are persons who reduce their anxiety by intellectualizing and withdrawing." No
matter the problem, these two styles of responding to stress eventually become at odds.
The common outcome of this classic scenario is that "after the escalating dance of pursuit
and withdrawal proceeds for some time, the woman [most often the pursuer] goes into what
therapists call `reactive distance', which only temporarily reverses the pursuit cycle or
has little effect at all....When a pursuer stops pursuing and begins to put her energy back
into her own life - without distancing or expressing anger at the other person - the circular
dance has been broken....A relationship becomes more `true' and balanced as the pursuer
can allow herself to acknowledge and express more of her own wish for independence and space,
and in turn, the distancer can begin to acknowledge more of his dependency and wish for
closeness."
She repeats again, "Changing another person is a solution that never, ever works." The
power that is ours is only and always the power to change our own self. The only real power
we have is the power to act and make choices. However, to try to change the other person
is usually the first thing we do with our anger. The second thing we do is cut ourselves
off either emotionally or geographically. Such distancing does bring short-term relief but
there are long term costs - "the unresolved emotional intensity is likely to get played
out in other important relationships....When emotional intensity is high in a family, most
of us put the entire responsibility for poor communication on the other person....Always,
we perceive that it is the other who prevents us from speaking and keeps the relationship
from changing. We disown our own part in the interactions we complain of and, with it, our
power to bring about a change."
OK! What do we do instead of trying to change the other person or their thoughts and feelings?
We clearly state our beliefs and convictions and we stand behind them. This includes identifying
within ourselves the true source of our anger, usually our independence from that person.
As we become less scared and guilty about showing our own strong and separate selves, in
a mature and responsible fashion, we become more ready to make a change in the relationship,
a change to being a separate and different person with our own unique way of being in the
world. With this change comes the experience of separation anxiety, most often "based on
an underlying discomfort with separateness and individuality that has its roots in our early
family experience, where the unspoken expectation may have been that we keep a lid on our
expressions of self."
"Hit and Run confrontation does not lead to lasting change.... If serious about change,
she must show for her own sake as well as the other that at last she is declaring her separateness
and independence, but she is not declaring a lack of caring or closeness. Independence means
that we clearly define our own selves on emotionally important issues, but it does not mean
emotional distance....The work of negotiating greater independence may be so fraught with
mutual anxieties about rejection and loss that the person making the move must be responsible
for maintaining emotional contact with the other." Success will rest on her ability to share
something about herself in a straightforward, nonblaming way while maintaining emotional
contact throughout the process. It requires also that she "uphold her position with persistence
and calm, without getting emotionally buffeted about by the inevitable countermoves and
`change back!' reactions we meet whenever we assume a more autonomous position in an important
relationship. This is what achieving selfhood and independence is all about. And it requires,
among other things a particular way of talking and a degree of clarity that are especially
difficult to achieve when we are angry."
Another important technique that Dr. Lerner teaches is to turn anger into an "I message,"
a nonblaming statement about one's own self. She emphasizes that "if our goal is to break
a pattern in an important relationship and/or to develop a strong sense of self that we
can bring to all our relationships, it is essential that we learn to translate our anger
into clear, nonblaming statements about our own self .... The significant issue for women
is that we may not have a clear `I' to communicate about and we are not prepared to handle
the intense negative reactions that come our way when we do begin to define and assert the
self....Women often fear that having a clear `I' means threatening a relationship or losing
an important person. Thus, rather than using our anger as a challenge to think more clearly
about the `I' in our relationships we may, when angry, actually blur what personal clarity
we do have."
We really fear rocking the boat. "Feeling fuzzy-headed, inarticulate, and not so smart
are common reactions experienced by women as we struggle to take a stand on our own behalf.
It is not just anger and fighting that we learn to fear; we avoid asking precise questions
and making clear statements when we unconsciously suspect that doing so would expose our
differences, make the other person feel uncomfortable, and leave us standing alone."
"Why would any of us attempt to deny our anger and sacrifice one of our most precious
possessions - our personal clarity?" For one thing, "our very definitions of `masculinity'
and `femininity' are based on the notion that women must function as nonthreatening helpmates
and ego builders to men lest men feel castrated and weakened." This explains when a woman's
anger turns to tears; she's attempting to restore togetherness. Instead she probably needs
to work harder at the task of clarifying her separateness and independence within her first
family. She cannot control the other person's reaction. She should not allow herself to
be controlled by them either. "She can simply stay on course by listening to what they have
to say and then restating her initial position. There is nothing wrong with "sounding like
a broken record now and then.... She cannot change the other person's mind or ensure that
justice will prevail. She can state her position, recognize her choices, and make responsible
decisions on her own behalf."
"Our problem is not the fear of clarity but the absence of it. That we are angry is obvious.
But we may have little perspective on the `I,' as a result of focusing exclusively on what
the other person is doing to us.... Using our anger as a starting point to become more knowledgeable
about the self does not require that we analyze ourselves and provide lengthy psychologically
explanations of our reactions....Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become
more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others. Learning to use our anger
effectively requires some letting go - letting go of blaming that other person whom we see
as causing our problems and failing to provide for our happiness; letting go of the notion
that it is our job to change other people or tell them how they should think, feel, behave.
Yet, this does not mean that we passively accept or go along with any behavior. In fact,
a `live-and-let-live' attitude can signal a de-selfed position, if we fail to clarify what
is and is not acceptable or desirable to us in a relationship. The main issue is how we
clarify our position....We can simply say, `well, it may seem crazy or irrational to you,
but this is the way I see it.' Of course, there is never a guarantee that other people will
alter their behavior" to suit you and me.
Dr. Lerner also counsels to not be in a hurry with this. It's ok to be uncertain. Sit
with it for a while! She says, "Slow Down! Our anger can be a powerful vehicle for personal
growth and change if it does nothing more than help us recognize that we are not yet clear
about something." What most of us do when we are angry is judge, blame, criticize, moralize,
preach, instruct, interpret, and psychoanalyze. She goes on to say, "If I persist in repeating
this point, it is because it is an extremely difficult concept to grasp, and hold on to
when we are angry. Conflicting wants and different perceptions of the world do not mean
that one party is `right' and the other `wrong.'"
Some common communication mistakes we make are, for starters "not being particularly
tactful and strategic. Few people are able to listen well when they are being criticized
or told what's wrong with them." Second, we communicate as if to convey that we are an expert
on the other person's experience. "'Who has the problem?' is a question that has nothing
to do with guilt or culpability. The one who has the problem is simply the party who is
dissatisfied with or troubled by the particular situation....How many of us can distinguish
with confidence where our responsibilities to others begin and end? How can women trained
from birth to define ourselves through our loving care of others - know with confidence
when it is time to finally say `Enough!'?" Many woman devote themselves so exclusively to
the needs of others that they betray if not lose themselves.
"If however, we do not use our anger to define ourselves clearly in every important relationship
we are in - and manage our feelings as they arise - no one else will assume this responsibility
for us. We are never the first in our family to wrestle with a problem although it may feel
that way. All of us inherit the unsolved problems of our past....We put our energy into
taking responsibility for other people's feelings, thoughts and behavior and hand over to
others responsibility for our own. When this happens, it becomes difficult, if not impossible
for the old rules of a relationship to change....As we learn to "relinquish responsibility
for the self, we are prone to blame others for failing to fill up our emptiness or provide
for our happiness - which is not their job." It is however our job to "allow others the
space to manage their own pain and solve their own problems. When we do not put our primary
emotional energy into solving our own problems, we take on other people's problems as our
own. When we overfunction for another individual, we end up very angry and in the process,
we facilitate the growth of no one." We must "acknowledge that we do not have the answers
or solutions to other people's problems." Even with children, "Change comes about when we
stop trying to shape up the other person and begin to observe patterns and find new options
for our own behavior."
In closing, I'd like to thank Dr. Lerner for her tremendous contribution to women's psychology
and my emotional health, and for this "review of some basic do's and don'ts to keep in mind
when you are feeling angry.
- Do speak up when an issue is important to you."
- Don't strike while the iron is hot. "
- Do take time out to think about the problem and to clarify your position. "
- Don't use `below-the-belt' tactics.
- Do speak in `I' language.
- Don't make vague requests.
- Do try to appreciate the fact that people are different.
- Don't participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere.
- Do recognize that each person is responsible for his or her own behavior.
- Don't tell another person what she or he thinks or feels or `should' think or feel.
Remember that one person's right to be angry does not mean that the other person is to
blame.
- Do try to avoid speaking through a third party.
- Don't expect change to come about from hit-and-run confrontations.
1. Take This Waltz (tone-contemplative and quiet): This 2011 movie
starring Michelle Williams and Seth Rogen follows a young wife as she meets and becomes enchanted
with a handsome and rather forward stranger. She's been happy enough in her marriage, but the
stranger is suddenly everywhere: on her flight, in her cab, coincidentally living down the
street. Is it fate or something a little less magical? Although the story arc is a familiar
one - temptation, seduction, decision - director Sarah Polley goes a little deeper by extending
the movie past the wife's choice and exploring how the end of a relationship informs the beginning
of another. This is a thoughtful and lyrical examination of individuals in retrograde and whether
their patterns of behavior are ever broken.
2. The Good Wife (fast-paced and entertaining): Okay, so this
is a small screen offering that's also about a Chicago law firm, but TGW started out as the
ultimate separation story; the whole thing kicked off with Alicia Florrick rebuilding her own
life and career after the betrayal and broken promises of her husband, fallen politician Peter
Florrick. In recent seasons, there's been some not-so-neat rekindling between the two, in addition
to the extra-marital temptation - for Alicia - of Will Gardner. Because all three characters
are sensitively written and acted and complex and likable, the yo-yoing is more engaging than
annoying. TGW gets bonus points for divorce lawyer David Lee - hilarious, acerbic and manipulative
- in my opinion, one of the most entertaining characters on television (with interesting, high
profile cases to boot).
3. Blue Valentine (dark and depressing): Admittedly, this list
is a Michelle Williams fest, but only because she deserves it. (Full disclosure: I watched
Blue Valentine because I was blown away by her performance in Take This Waltz.) Blue
Valentine, and its well-publicized scene of Ryan Gosling (also excellent) threatening to jump
off the Manhattan Bridge, examines the demise of a relationship by interspersing the couples'
last moments together with scenes of their doomed start. It's a character study as much as
anything else, but it also sensitively shows how you know - and why - the end is the end is
the end. Sometimes two people are just... toxic. (This one is also the most depressing on the
bunch, though - if you're looking for even an ounce of hopefulness, a tiny little sprig of
a bud on a tree that might possibly signal spring somewhere, look elsewhere.)
4. It's Complicated (light and comedic; real estate porn): Nancy
Meyers uses all the standard rom-com tricks in this very watchable movie about a California
bakery owner who has an affair with her ex-husband You'll laugh, you'll feel good watching
Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin - because it's impossible to feel bad watching Meryl Streep and
Alec Baldwin - you'll drool over everything from the food to the home décor. (Even the messiness
of getting back together with an ex and keeping it a secret from three grown children appears
kind of... fun and, in a way, not all that complicated.) It's Complicated examines
the issue of "closure" and its complications: how much of a relationship's demise is timing
or youth? Is there maybe always something - a little spark - remaining between two people who
have once been in love? So, there is some food for thought, but it's certainly not forced on
you. It's possible to watch the entire movie at face value, for the fun performances and that
house-my goodness - that amazing house and don't even get me started on the garden.
A court drama
Claudio Carvalho from Rio de Janeiro,
Brazil
13 January 2012
Mankind Is Flawed
In Tehran, the teacher Simin (Leila Hatami) has requested the divorce from her husband,
the bank clerk Nader (Peyman Moadi). Simin wishes to live abroad to give a better life to
her eleven year-old daughter Termeh (Sarina Farhadi) and Nader, who is a family man but
very arrogant, wants to stay to take care of his father (Ali-Asghar Shahbazi) that has Alzheimer.
Simin moves to the house of her mother and Nader hires the religious Razieh (Sareh Bayat)
to take care of his father while he is working.
Razieh is pregnant but she does not tell her husband Hodjat (Shahab Hosseini), who owes
a large amount to the creditors, that she is working. When she arrives with her daughter
Somayeh (Kimia Hosseini)at Nader's house, she distracts and Nader's father goes to the street
and she goes and gets him back home. On the next day, when Nader arrives home with Termeh,
they find Nader's father tied up to his bed and Razieh and Somayeh are not at home. When
they arrive at home, Nader accuses Razieh of theft and expels her. Razieh feels offended
and argues with him, and Nader pushes her out at the front door. Razieh falls and has an
abortion. She goes to the court with her husband and the witnesses are summoned to testify.
"Jodaeiye Nader az Simin" or the separation of Nader and Simin, is among the best Iranian
films I have seen and is a fantastic drama that shows how flawed mankind is, no matter in
Iran, Brazil, Europe or wherever. Despite the different values of the Iranian society comparing
with the Westerns ones, all the characters are flawed; therefore, the plot is realistic.
Nader is a family man that loves his father and his daughter, but commits perjury,
is stubborn and arrogant and asks his acquaintances to lie. Simin uses the secret that
Razieh had told her to take advantage. Termeh lies to save her father from justice. Razieh
is religious and worried with Allah and sins, but she was capable to lie fearing the reaction
of her husband. Hodjat is a rude and impulsive man that is violent.
The direction is perfect and the acting is top-notch. The story is engaging and believable
and differences of cultures between Iran and Brazil are intriguing. I really recommend this
film for any cinema lover or people interested in learning a little about the Iranian culture.
My vote is ten.
Title (Brazil): "A Separaçăo" ("The Separation")
Notable quotes:
"... N would [even] lie when the truth would save his neck ..."
"... "I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About everything. And I often contradict myself. Why do I need to do this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation, gossip )." ..."
"... Because they're not genuinely interested in others, they're poor listeners ..."
"... They can be extremely mean-spirited (as in taking an almost perverse delight in raining on another's parade). ..."
"... They're untrustworthy: As one discussant bluntly puts it: "Don't tell them anything you aren't prepared to get shoved up your butt later ..."
"... Despite their self- confident , better-than-thou exterior, they often betray feelings of weakness, insecurity, inferiority, jealousy , and cowardice. One commenter even sums them up as "emotional cripples." ..."
"... What I, and others on this board, have learned from dealing with N bullies in our personal lives applies to terrorists. There can be no appeasement, no attempting to reason with them, no attempt to "fix" them, to unseat their deep-seated hatred, shame and envy. Sounds terribly harsh to the uninitiated, but not recognizing that can only lead to our own destruction. ..."
"... Looking back on ALL the Ns I've ever known and merged with, I see there WERE signs within minutes of meeting the N that they were grossly selfish, immoral, sex -addicted or [that] something was definitely 'off' [about them]. I didn't honour my intuition, gut feelings and instinct. The truth is that I had almost no experience setting healthy boundaries. ..."
Of all the oppressive, crazy-making features of the narcissist, the one perhaps most frequently cited
is their exasperating dishonesty. And such untruthfulness has at times led their no-longer-so-gullible
victims to describe them as con artists. Here's a highly selective sampling of such complaints:
- "The lies, the
flirting, the lies,
the comparing, the lies, the ambivalence, the lies, the belittling, the lies, the teasing, the
lies, the built up promises, the lies, the setting up for disappointment. Did I mention the lies?"
[!]
- "I had never known a real con man in my life. I thought only the stupid or elderly got
suckered."
- "They memorize
body language
and can spot a person who might feel a little vulnerable a mile away."
- "My ex-husband used to tell HUGE lies about me. Lies that always made ME look bad and HIM
look like a martyr (when the opposite was true). I didn't realize this until AFTER we separated
and, Boy, was it devastating! I thought that I knew ALL the horrors, to find out there were even
more. . . . I didn't think I could take the pain!"
- [And, particularly, note this striking observation on the narcissist's incorrigible habit
of prevarication-which is in line with the substantial literature linking the so-called "pathological
liar" with the narcissist]: "N would [even] lie when the truth would save his
neck."
The controversial Dr. Sam Vaknin, creator of this forum on narcissism and himself a self-confessed
NPD, has written profusely-at times, brilliantly-on the subject. In his article "Pseudologica Fantastica,"
he freely admits:
- "I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About everything. And I often
contradict myself. Why do I need to do this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other
words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation,
gossip)."
... ... ...
Below, I'll summarize some other distressing characteristics of the narcissist regularly alluded
to by their victims:
- Because they're not genuinely interested in others, they're poor listeners. Though
it can seem that they're listening attentively, they're unable to accurately repeat back
what was said to them.
- Calculating how every situation might benefit (or disadvantage) them, there's almost always
an ulterior motive behind what they say or do.
- They can be extremely mean-spirited (as in taking an almost perverse delight in raining
on another's parade).
- They're untrustworthy: As one discussant bluntly puts it: "Don't tell them anything
you aren't prepared to get shoved up your butt later . . . or down your throat, or in your
heart in the form of a dagger. And of course there are those things you tell them that you have
to be prepared to have TWISTED into things they can shove…".
- Despite their self-confident,
better-than-thou exterior, they often betray feelings of weakness, insecurity, inferiority,
jealousy, and cowardice.
One commenter even sums them up as "emotional cripples."
- If they're far out on the narcissistic continuum, they can't be changed-and certainly not
by their partners. Here's the most pointed (and painful) description of the futility of even
trying to alter their behavior: "What I, and others on this board, have learned from
dealing with N bullies in our personal lives applies to terrorists. There can be no appeasement,
no attempting to reason with them, no attempt to "fix" them, to unseat their deep-seated hatred,
shame and envy.
Sounds terribly harsh to the uninitiated, but not recognizing that can only lead to our own destruction."
The one consolation for victims of the narcissist's "dagger" (or "vampirish teeth") is the hard-won
insights they eventually gain, which makes it possible for at least some of them to repudiate a relationship
that's been so toxic to them. Again, in their own (sadder-but-wiser) words:
- "Looking back on ALL the Ns I've ever known and merged with, I see there WERE signs within
minutes of meeting the N that they were grossly selfish, immoral,
sex-addicted or [that]
something was definitely 'off' [about them]. I didn't honour my intuition,
gut feelings and
instinct. The truth is that I had almost no experience setting healthy boundaries."
- "Staying with an N, or making contact with an ex-N, is like putting your hands directly on
a hot stovetop to warm them. It will "work" for five seconds before it scalds you."
Notable quotes:
"... The entitlement surge of subtle narcissism is a bit like the normally happy drunk suddenly becoming surly and going on a bender, cleaning out the liquor cabinets and storming off to buy more booze. ..."
"... Your partner begins complaining about the messy house after your pregnancy, feeling he works hard enough that he deserves to come home to a clean house.... ..."
...narcissism is marked by an entitlement surge-those moments when a normally understanding
friend or partner or coworker angrily behaves as if the world owes them. It's usually triggered
by a sudden fear that their special status has been threatened in some way. Until this point,
their need for the world to revolve around them is mostly under wraps, because it hasn't been
called into question. Kevin didn't ask for Sherry's support or even try to understand how hard
her year after her mother's death had been. In his mind, he deserved her full understanding
because he felt so close to his dream of a becoming a law partner.
The entitlement surge of subtle narcissism is a bit like the normally happy drunk suddenly
becoming surly and going on a bender, cleaning out the liquor cabinets and storming off to buy
more booze. Your usually affable boss suddenly tears into you, worried that the latest
project (his idea) is failing. Unbeknownst to you, he's secretly had plans to become the CEO ever
since he arrived. Your partner begins complaining about the messy house after your pregnancy,
feeling he works hard enough that he deserves to come home to a clean house....
... ... ...
To read more about subtle (and dangerous) narcissism, including specific, research-backed
strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking
Narcissism (link is
external) today.
Notable quotes:
"... The other narcissist is my mother. For years I lived in terror of her rages, and how the family pretty much revolves around her. I didn't understand how a parent could be so cruel, and assume everyone else was a bad person. ..."
"... As far as healthy narcissism goes, it's something I'm working on. My mother has stripped all of our self-esteem, as she relishes putting loved one's fault under the microscope as often and loudly as possible. I grew up with massive amounts of fear and anxiety assuming everyone was very concerned about every minor mistake I made. I wish I had worked on this earlier. Mom taught me how to make a mountain out of a tiny molehill. ..."
"... It's true, many children who've lived with extremely narcissistic parents--and I count myself among them--grow up to struggle with a more generous self-image. ..."
Narcissism has never been an official mental health disorder. Narcissist isn't a recognized
diagnostic descriptor either; it's shorthand for someone who scores higher than the average on
narcissism measures and may or may not be disordered
...It's a mistake to talk about "symptoms of narcissism." What people usually mean is symptoms
of pathological narcissism or NPD.
Anonymous on February 17, 2016 - 9:04am
I have two narcissists in my family. One borders on sociopathy so I avoid her, she scares
me. The other narcissist is my mother. For years I lived in terror of her rages, and how
the family pretty much revolves around her. I didn't understand how a parent could be so
cruel, and assume everyone else was a bad person.
But now that can attach a label to the problem and get a better understanding of what is
happening and why, I can create much better boundaries and sit back and watch the crazy
unfold. My mother is pretty frustrated that her usual tricks aren't having the impact on me
that they once did.
As far as healthy narcissism goes, it's something I'm working on. My mother has stripped
all of our self-esteem, as she relishes putting loved one's fault under the microscope as
often and loudly as possible. I grew up with massive amounts of fear and anxiety assuming
everyone was very concerned about every minor mistake I made. I wish I had worked on this
earlier. Mom taught me how to make a mountain out of a tiny molehill.
Craig Malkin PhD on February 19, 2016
It sounds like you've been through hell
And come back. It's true, many children who've lived with extremely narcissistic
parents--and I count myself among them--grow up to struggle with a more generous self-image.
It's like we swallow that parent whole, their voice plaguing us at every turn. It's hard work
silencing that inner critic. But that's the task -- well worth undertaking-- of overcoming
echoism and finding our voices. I wish you well in continuing to find yours.
Notable quotes:
"... In fact, one of their central defenses (or stratagems) is to endlessly project onto others the very flaws (and fears!) they're unable, or unwilling, to allow into awareness. ..."
"... "Narcissists are great con-artists. After all, they succeed in deluding themselves! As a result, very few professionals see through them." ~ ..."
"... most therapists learn quickly enough the signs and signals that give away a narcissistic patient (e.g., regularly blaming others for their problems, taking very little responsibility for why their lives aren't working, telling them how to do therapy , ..."
Curiously, deep, deep down-and undoubtedly unconscious to them-they know they're not really what
they project. In fact, one of their central defenses (or stratagems) is to endlessly project
onto others the very flaws (and fears!) they're unable, or unwilling, to allow into awareness.
As critical as they are about others' shortcomings, they're amazingly blind to their own. (And in
this respect, the reader might take a look at my earlier piece, "The
Narcissist's Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But . . . ").
... ... ...
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." ~ Oscar Wilde
Although as stated, this quote is undoubtedly ambiguous, the term "romance" leads me to believe
that Wilde's notion of self-love leans toward the pathological-and maybe the auto-erotic as well.
But healthy self-love really has very little to do with the romantic: it's grounded in positive self-regard
and an acceptance of one's flaws and frailties. On the contrary, being "in love with" oneself (as
implied by Wilde's quote) suggests a self-absorption that can only be detrimental to narcissists
in their relationships with others. In fact, one of the most common descriptions of unhealthy narcissism
emphasizes their inability to care about other people-apart, that is, from how these others might
satisfy the demands of their (insatiable) egos.
"Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They
don't mean to do harm, but the harm [that they cause] does not interest them. Or they do not see
it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves."
~ T. S. Eliot
This quote makes a vital distinction between narcissists' being malevolent (cf. the sociopath)
and their simply lacking concern about how their behaviors might adversely affect others. It's yet
another way of drawing attention to their supreme self-absorption, which makes it impossible for
them to empathically identify with another's feelings, Most of the time they don't consciously intend
to take advantage of others. Such exploitation is merely a side effect of their overriding need to
feel more important and better than others-and so feel "good enough." Nonetheless, their insensitivity
to the wants and needs of those around them can at times be nothing less than astonishing.
... ... ...
"Narcissists are great con-artists. After all, they succeed in deluding themselves! As a
result, very few professionals see through them." ~ anonymous.
This statement seems somewhat exaggerated to me. For most therapists learn quickly enough the
signs and signals that give away a narcissistic patient (e.g., regularly blaming others for their
problems, taking very little responsibility for why their lives aren't working, telling them
how to do therapy,
etc.).
Still, the quote is instructive in pointing out not only the enormous self-deception in the way
narcissists see themselves, but also their singular expertise in deceiving others. Speaking with
bogus authority, they typically have an excellent track record in getting others to see things as
they do, even though the result to those so taken in can be disastrous (e.g., being persuaded to
make a truly ill-considered investment).
All of which is to say that-on many different levels-getting involved with a narcissist can be
as dangerous as a snake bite. And the unexpected sting of it all can, alas, last a good deal longer.
Note 1: In examining literally hundreds of quotes for this post, I came across
many that centered not anywhere so much on the narcissist as on their hapless victims. Consequently,
my next post will explore the damage that narcissists-especially those far out on the narcissistic
continuum -do to those who unwittingly put their trust in them. It's called
"The Vampire's Bite: Victims of Narcissists Speak Out."
Note 2: If you'd like to explore other posts I've written on narcissism, here
are the links:
Note 3: If you'd like to check out other posts I've done for Psychology Today
blogs generally-on a broad variety of topics-click
here.
In the 1970s, Ronald Reagan villainized a Chicago woman for bilking the government. Her
other sins-including possible kidnappings and murders-were far worse.
Jack Sherwin knew he'd seen her before. It was Aug. 8, 1974, and the Chicago burglary detective
was working a case on the city's South Side. Though her name and face didn't look familiar,
Sherwin recognized the victim's manner, and her story. She'd been robbed, Linda Taylor explained,
and she was sorry to report that the burglar had good taste: $14,000 in furs, jewelry, and
cash were missing from her apartment. Thank heavens, most of it was insured.After listening
to her tale of woe, Sherwin asked Taylor if she'd mind getting him some water. When she returned,
the detective kept the glass as evidence.
The fingerprints collected from Taylor's kitchen helped jog Sherwin's memory. Two years
earlier, the same woman had been charged with making a bogus robbery claim-that time, the thieves
had supposedly made off with $10,000 worth of valuables. Sherwin knew Linda Taylor because,
out of pure happenstance, he'd been called on to investigate both of these alleged burglaries.
She was living in a different part of town, using a different name, and sporting a different
head of hair. But this was the same woman, pulling the same stunt.
Sherwin cited Taylor, again, for making a false report. But the 35-year-old police officer,
a former Marine and a 12-year veteran of the force, didn't stop there. "The more I dug into
it, the more I found that just wasn't right," he remembers. First, he learned that she was
getting welfare checks under multiple names. Then he discovered Taylor's husbands-"Oh, I guess
maybe seven men that I knew of," Sherwin says. The detective and his partner, Jerry Kush, got
to work tracking down this parade of grooms, and they found a few who were willing to talk.
Sherwin's hunch had been right: This woman was up to no good.
In late September 1974, seven weeks after Sherwin met Taylor for the second time, the detective's
findings made the Chicago Tribune. "Linda Taylor received Illinois welfare checks
and food stamps, even tho[ugh] she was driving three 1974 autos-a Cadillac, a Lincoln, and
a Chevrolet station wagon-claimed to own four South Side buildings, and was about to leave
for a vacation in Hawaii," wrote
Pulitzer
Prize winner George Bliss. The story detailed a 14-page report that Sherwin had put together
illuminating "a lifestyle of false identities that seemed calculated to confuse our computerized,
credit-oriented society." There was evidence that the 47-year-old Taylor had used three Social
Security cards, 27 names, 31 addresses, and 25 phone numbers to fuel her mischief, not to mention
30 different wigs.
As the Tribune and other outlets stayed on the story, those figures continued to
rise. Reporters noted that Linda Taylor had used as many as 80 names, and that she'd received
at least $150,000-in illicit welfare cash, the numbers that Ronald Reagan would cite on the
campaign trail in 1976. (Though she used dozens of different identities, I've chosen to call
her Linda Taylor in this story, as it's how the public came to know her at the height of her
infamy.) Taylor also gained a reputation as a master of disguise. "She is black, but is able
to pass herself off as Spanish, Filipino, white, and black," the executive director of Illinois'
Legislative Advisory Committee on Public Aid told the Associated Press in November 1974. "And
it appears she can be any age she wishes, from the early 20s to the early 50s."
For Bliss and the Tribune, the scandal wasn't just that Taylor had her hand in
the till and had the seeming ability to shape-shift. The newspaper also directed its ire at
the sclerotic bureaucracy that allowed her schemes to flourish. Bliss had been reporting on
waste, fraud, and mismanagement in the Illinois Department of Public Aid for a long time prior
to Taylor's emergence. His stories-on doctors who billed Medicaid for fictitious procedures
and overworked caseworkers who failed to purge ineligible recipients from the welfare rolls-showed
an agency in disarray. That disarray didn't make for an engaging read, though: "State orders
probe of Medicaid" is not a headline that provokes shock and anger. Then the welfare queen
came along and dressed the scandal up in a fur coat. This was a crime that people could comprehend,
and Linda Taylor was the perfectly unsympathetic figure for outraged citizens to point a finger
at.
... ... ...
The 21-year-old sailor was working in the dental clinic at Chicago's Great Lakes Naval Training
Center when a beautiful woman walked in to get her teeth cleaned. Something about her was totally
fascinating, Jones remembers. "I met her because she was pretty and I was shooting game to
her," he says. "I guess her game must've been stronger than mine, because I met her that Monday
and [got] married that Saturday."
Jones thought he was lucky to get hitched to the 35-year-old Linda Sholvia. She was beautiful,
with the smoothest skin he'd ever seen. She also gave him $1,000 as a wedding present, and
he had his pick of fancy new cars. But Lamar and Linda's marriage lasted only a little longer
than their five-day courtship. A few weeks after they exchanged vows, Linda was arrested. When
Jones paid her bond, his new wife fled the state. To make things worse, she stole his color
TV.
The young Navy man realized that something was amiss with his new bride even before the television
went missing. When she showed him a degree from a university in Haiti, he noticed that it said
Linda Taylor, not Linda Sholvia. Jones says Linda had five mailboxes at her residence at 8221
S. Clyde Ave., and she'd get letters in all five, addressed to different names. He got a bit
uneasy when Linda told him, after they were married, that he was her eighth husband. She also
had a "sister" named Constance who seemed more like her adult daughter.
... ... ...
A month after his wife was brought back from Arizona, Lamar Jones testified against her
in front of a Cook County grand jury. Jones says that around the time of that proceeding, he
was shuffled into a car with another witness and told they had something in common: They were
both married to Linda (or maybe it was Connie) at the same time. That was a surprise to Jones.
His wife had told him that husband No. 7 was dead.
... ... ...
Isaiah Gant, who has been an attorney for nearly four decades, says his onetime client "was
a scam artist like I have never run across since." Gant, now an assistant federal public defender
in Nashville, Tenn., says Taylor could change personalities in an instant. "If she wanted to
be a ho, she could be a ho. If she wanted to be a princess, she could be a princess," he says.
"The woman was smooth."
... ... ...
It got stranger from there. Constance told the Defender that Rose Kennedy, Lawrence Wakefield's
purported common-law wife, was no such thing. She also accused Kennedy of trying to poison
her, saying, "The doctors said I had swallowed enough strychnine to kill a dozen people." And
in just the last few weeks, she reported, police had captured two white men trying to break
into her house; a "swarthy Italian" had threatened to kill her; and her bodyguard had narrowly
thwarted an attempt to blow up her 1964 Cadillac. A few days after that, the Associated Negro
Press wrote that Constance Wakefield Steinberg-she was a "light-skinned Negro woman with a
'Jewish' surname"-"reported to police that her 11-year-old son, John, had been kidnapped and
that she had received a number of threatening calls."
Whether she was going by Constance Wakefield, Linda Taylor, or any other name, the future welfare
queen never went for subtlety. She was a woman of great ambition, and she conjured a universe
in which the forces arrayed against her were equally extraordinary. Someone was always trying
to kill her, or steal from her, or kidnap her, or take her children. These stories rarely checked
out. Her son John, the Chicago Sun-Times would report, hadn't been kidnapped. He was found
by FBI agents wandering near his house, and explained that he'd run away after a fight with
his sister. Census records and Lawrence Wakefield's own death certificate reveal that Edith
Jarvis was not Wakefield's wife, as Taylor had asserted-she was his mother. When Taylor went
to probate court to press her claim to the Wakefield fortune, even more of her story fell apart.
Constance Wakefield was many people, but she probably wasn't Constance Wakefield.
In this and many of her other battles, Linda Taylor's weapons were documents, paperwork of
uncertain provenance that buttressed her version of events. Though her birth to Lawrence and
Edith did not appear in contemporaneous records, she procured a delayed birth certificate from
the doctor who she claimed had delivered her. She also furnished a pair of Lawrence Wakefield's
heretofore-undiscovered wills. The first, which dated to 1943, included a description of Wakefield's
daughter that matched her own, "specifically describing a scar and a mole and their location
on her body," the Tribune reported. The second will, from 1962, indicated that Wakefield had
$2 million, that the vast majority of that lucre should go to his daughter, and that Rose Kennedy-who
Taylor maintained was Lawrence Wakefield's housekeeper, not his common-law wife-was entitled
to precisely $1. "She is no good and will try to take everything from my baby," the will read,
according to the Tribune. "She has stoled enough from me since the death of my Edith."
None of this evidence-the delayed birth certificate, the will that conveniently trashed
her primary rival-convinced Cook County Assistant State's Attorney Gerald Mannix that he was
dealing with Lawrence Wakefield's real daughter. A long way from Chicago, he found someone
who could help him prove it.
"A surprise witness testified in Probate court yesterday that Miss Constance Wakefield,
who claims to be the illegitimate daughter of the late Lawrence Wakefield, policy king, and
thus heir to his fortune, actually is Martha Louise White," the Tribune reported on Nov. 10,
1964. Hubert Mooney, who claimed to be Martha's uncle, explained that his niece was born in
Summit, Ala., around 1926, making her about 38 years old-nine years older than she'd claimed
to be in the guise of Constance Wakefield. Martha, Mooney said, was the daughter of his sister
Lydie and a man named Marvin White. The court didn't have to take his word for it. Hubert's
84-year-old mother came from Tennessee to testify that she'd assisted in her granddaughter
Martha's birth.
Mooney said he'd seen his niece most recently in Arkansas-the state where "Constance Wakefield"
had grown up, according to her interview with The Chicago Defender. He'd also run into her
in Oakland, Calif. On that occasion, she'd asked her uncle to bail her out of jail. According
to the Chicago Sun-Times, the assistant state's attorney produced fingerprints and "police
records from Oakland, which he said were those of Miss Wakefield, listing arrests for prostitution,
contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and assault." A police expert testified that those
fingerprints matched those of Beverly Singleton, a woman who'd been arrested the year prior
for assaulting a 12-year-old girl. Constance Wakefield, it seemed, was many people, but she
probably wasn't Constance Wakefield.
This dramatic testimony didn't clear everything up. For her part, "Constance Wakefield"
said she knew Hubert Mooney but that she was not Martha Louise White. She also denied that
she was the woman identified in all those criminal records, though she did confess that she'd
been charged with assault in Oakland.
Weighing all the evidence, Judge Anthony Kogut cited Taylor for contempt of court and sentenced
her to six months in jail. She wouldn't get any of Lawrence Wakefield's money, the balance
of which would go to Rose Kennedy, the policy king's common-law wife.
... ... ...
There's almost no chance that Sandra was really kidnapped. Two years prior, Taylor had falsely
reported that Johnnie had been abducted. He says now that his mother likely just wanted the
cops to do the hard work of tracking him down after he'd left home of his own volition.
In 1967, she'd try the same line again, telling Chicago police that another of her children
had been taken. When the cops investigated, they found that the child wasn't missing. They
also discovered that the kid didn't belong to her.
... ... ...
In another Tribune story, Bliss and Griffin noted that Linda Taylor had been arrested twice
in the 1960s for absconding with children, though she wasn't convicted in either case because
the little ones were returned. The reporters also laid out a possible motive. "Chicago's welfare
queen," they wrote, "has been linked by Chicago police to a scheme to defraud the public aid
department during the mid-1960s by buying newborn infants to substantiate welfare claims."
... ... ...
This theory is a little hard to believe. Given Taylor's ability to fabricate paperwork,
acquiring flesh-and-blood children seems like an unnecessary risk if all you're looking to
do is pad a welfare application. Her son Johnnie believes his mother saw children as commodities,
something to be acquired and sold. He remembers a little black girl-he doesn't know her
name-who stayed with them for a few months in the early 1960s, "and then she just disappeared
one day." Shortly before Lawrence Wakefield died, Johnnie says, a white baby named Tiger showed
up out of nowhere, and then left the household just as mysteriously. I ask him if he knew where
these kids came from or who they belonged to. "You knew they wasn't hers," he says.
... ... ...
Nine days later, a newborn child was kidnapped by a woman dressed in a white nurse's uniform.
Dora Fronczak told police that the mystery woman whisked away her son Paul Joseph, telling
the new mother that her baby boy needed to be examined by a doctor. Witnesses said the ersatz
nurse carried the infant through a rear exit and disappeared.
The Fronczak case transfixed Chicago and the nation. The Tribune, the Sun-Times, and the
national wire services printed eyewitness accounts, sketches of the suspect, diagrams of the
kidnapper's probable path, and the family's pleas for their child's safe return. Within a day,
500 policemen were working the case, including 50 FBI agents. They were looking for a woman
between her mid-30s and mid-40s, around 5-foot-4 and 140 pounds, with close-set brown eyes.
Nine months after the kidnapping, the Tribune reported that a staggering 38,000 people had
been interviewed in connection with the case, and that 7,500 women had been eliminated as suspects.
Still, the baby-snatching nurse remained at large.
Did Linda Taylor pull off one of the most notorious kidnappings of the 1960s? In early 1975,
law enforcement officials got a tip from one of Taylor's ex-husbands that she "appeared one
day in the mid-1960s with a newborn baby, altho[ugh] she had not been pregnant." Her explanation,
the Tribune said, was that "she hadn't realized she was pregnant until she gave birth that
morning."
... ... ...
In 1977, a man named Samuel Harper told police prior to Taylor's sentencing for welfare
fraud that he believed she had kidnapped Paul Joseph Fronczak. He explained that he was living
with her at the time, that several other white infants were in her home, and that she left
the house in a white uniform on the day of the kidnapping. Johnnie Harbaugh confirms that Harper,
who was 69 years old in 1977 and likely died many years ago, lived with his mother for a period
in the 1960s. If anyone was in a position to know what Linda was up to, Johnnie believes, it
was Sam Harper.
... ... ...
Jack Sherwin, who retired from the Chicago Police Department in the mid-1990s, says he saw
a composite drawing of the Fronczak kidnapper in an FBI office. "I looked at it for a second
and knew it was her," he says. In police reports from the 1970s, Taylor is listed at 5-foot-1
and 140 pounds with brown eyes-not that far off from the suspect's description. Sherwin says
she also had a station wagon at that time that matched the description of the potential getaway
car. He believes she was "guilty as hell."
And yet, Linda Taylor was never charged in the kidnapping of Paul Joseph Fronczak. Ron Cooper,
a retired FBI agent who worked on the Fronczak case in the 1970s, says that they "had no cooperation
from people around her." Everyone who talked "would tell you a story and it would just sort
of be a flim-flam thing, and it wouldn't make any sense." If she had taken Paul Joseph in 1964,
he was long gone.
... ... ....
Jack Sherwin, the fight to take down Linda Taylor was a multifront war. Some battles were
contested face to face. "At one point the arrestee Linda Taylor stated that no matter how much
money it took she was going to get my badge and me," the detective wrote in one police report.
"She then blurted out that she had a bullet for me. [There] were other things said such as
she would tell my wife about all the 'Black Ass' I had." Taylor also waged a disinformation
campaign, calling Sherwin's superiors to complain that the detective had it in for her. She
even took the fight to the astral plane, jabbing sharp pins into a voodoo doll, one she told
Sherwin that she'd made especially for him.
Sherwin did the digging that led to Taylor's arrest for welfare fraud, and his testimony helped
send her to prison. But four decades after he first met Linda Taylor, the 74-year-old retired
detective can't help but feel that she beat him. She was his prize catch, but Sherwin ended
up getting snared in her net.
... ... ...
For the Chicago burglary detective, Linda Taylor was never really the welfare queen. He
believed she was a kidnapper and a baby seller. Maybe something worse.
... ... ...
Mrs. Parks, who was also named Patricia, earned her living as a schoolteacher. Her daughter
describes her as polished, a woman with a master's degree who hung out with college-educated
types. Parks-Lee says that Linda Taylor, by contrast, looked weathered, like she'd done a lot
of hard living. "She didn't associate with people like that," says Parks-Lee, who's now 48.
She believes her mother must have hired Taylor to keep house and watch the kids, nothing more.
She says that Linda Taylor was the worst nanny they ever had.
Taylor took up residence with the Parks family in 1974. At that point, Patricia Parks was a
healthy woman with three young children. Less than a year later, she was dead. At the time,
Taylor was out on bail, awaiting her welfare fraud trial. The Tribune explained that she was
now under investigation yet again after authorities "learned that Mrs. Parks reportedly had
willed her home to Miss Taylor and had made her the beneficiary of 'several' insurance policies
and the guardian of her three children."
... ... ...
Taylor told the funeral director that Patricia Parks had cervical cancer. When her blood
was drawn at the funeral home, however, the sample contained a high level of barbiturates.
On Parks' death certificate, the coroner indicated that she had died of "combined phenobarbital,
methapyrilene, and salicylate intoxication." There is no indication that she had cancer.
"She killed my mother," Parks-Lee says. She's so sure about what Linda Taylor did that she
says it three more times: "She killed my mother. She killed my mother. I just, I mean-she killed
my mother."
... ... ...
As in the Fronczak kidnapping, Taylor was never charged with killing Patricia Parks. James
Piper, the prosecutor in the welfare fraud case, also looked into the alleged Parks homicide.
He tells me that he "was satisfied personally that there had been chicanery." But Piper says
that he wasn't able to acquire blood samples from the hospital where Parks had been pronounced
dead. He believed that without the samples there was no "connector"-nothing to convince a jury
that Taylor had administered a lethal drug cocktail to Parks. Piper says that his decision
wouldn't have prevented the Chicago police from continuing their investigation. He believed,
though, that indicting Taylor for murder would have created the perception that he was looking
for more publicity for the welfare fraud case-a case with clearer evidence, and one that he
didn't want to jeopardize.
... ... ...
Other than Sherwin, nobody seemed all that motivated to learn the full extent of Linda Taylor's
crimes. Though the Tribune wrote about Taylor's purported connections to the Fronczak kidnapping
and the Parks homicide, the paper treated her kid-snatching and voodoo spells as colorful details-odd
facts to embellish the shocking welfare queen story. In 1975, the Tribune reported the allegation
that Linda Taylor was "buying newborn infants to substantiate welfare claims." Somehow, though,
the welfare claims remained the bigger story, not the allegations of black-market baby trafficking.
... ... ...
In the aftermath of Ray's death, the National Home Life Insurance Company requested a complete
coroner's report from Illinois' Kankakee County. Byron Keith Lassiter, who looked into the
case on behalf of the insurance firm, says such a contestable death claim investigation would
have been routine. With no charges filed against Loyd, the money from Sherman Ray's life insurance
policy would be paid out to his wife, Linda.
A month after Sherman Ray's death, Taylor bought a parcel of land in Holmes County, Fla.
Her name is listed on the deed as "Rev. Linda Ray." In the Sunshine State, public records reveal,
she'd use at least six names and six different Social Security numbers. She wasn't there alone.
Her companion was her husband's killer, Willtrue Loyd.
This is Linda Taylor's life in microcosm: a series of tangled connections, a death that
serves as a potential windfall, a quick move, and a new start in a faraway place. Sherman Ray,
the former Marine with emotional problems, was a man in uniform-a classic Taylor mark. Paul
Stull Harbaugh, the man listed as her son Paul's father on the child's birth certificate, was
in the Navy. So was another supposed husband, Paul Steinberg-the Tribune alleged that in the
1960s she was "obtaining federal support" as the widow of both Harbaugh and Steinberg.
... ... ...
In 1978, one of her lawyers wrote that Linda Taylor was likely psychotic, that she "was
incapable of knowing whether or not she was telling the truth." Johnnie Harbaugh is certain
that's not the case. "She was cold," he says. "She knew what was right and wrong, but she was
choosing wrong."
or Linda Taylor, people were consumable goods, objects to cultivate, manipulate, and discard.
Once she'd extracted something of value-an identity, a check, a life insurance claim-she'd
move on to someone else. No matter her circumstances, and no matter her surroundings, there
was always a new target.
What kind of person behaves this way? In the 1970s, psychologist Robert Hare developed a checklist
to assess a given subject's personality. The symptoms on Hare's list read like a catalog of
Linda Taylor's known behaviors and personal characteristics: glib and superficial charm, pathological
lying, manipulativeness, lack of empathy, parasitic lifestyle, frequent short-term relationships,
and criminal versatility.
Of the 20 items on the Hare Psychopathy Checklist–Revised, nearly every one describes the welfare
queen to some degree. Dr. Steve Band, a behavioral science consultant and an expert on criminal
behavior, says "people with that personality know right from wrong." Dr. James Fallon, a professor
of psychiatry and human behavior at the University of California at Irvine and the author of
The Psychopath Inside, says that Taylor "screams psychopathy." Along with deriving pleasure
from criminal behavior, he says, psychopaths "really like getting away with it"-that "the ones
who have intelligence, they don't want to get caught."
Despite the striking synchronicity between this checklist and Taylor's behavior, diagnosing
someone as a psychopath isn't as easy as ticking a set of boxes. As Dave Cullen wrote for Slate
in 2004, it took an elite group of mental health experts to establish Columbine shooter Eric
Harris' psychopathic "pattern of grandiosity, glibness, contempt, lack of empathy, and superiority."
If a similar team of psychologists scrutinized the welfare queen, Hare's checklist would
be a logical place to start. For her part, Taylor's daughter-in-law Carol Harbaugh has
a simpler list, one with just three points: "She was brutal. She was mean. She was terrible."
... ... ...
Some of Taylor's victims were spared her worst behavior-they just learned an expensive lesson
and got on with their lives. Kenneth Lynch, who's now in his early 80s, bought a property with
Taylor in Holmes County, Fla. Lynch remembers her saying that her husband had been killed by
mobsters in Chicago. He also says that Taylor never came up with her share of the money, though
she did pilfer Lynch's last name. Reta Hunter, who lives in Live Oak, Fla., says "Linda Lynch"
led her to stop trusting people. Taylor told Hunter she was a psychic who'd descended from
Caribbean royalty, and that she could help remedy her relationship with her daughter. "The
last time I seen her it cost me $80 for about 20 minutes," Hunter says. "She could take you,
honey. She was a slick talker."
Not all of Linda Taylor's relationships ended so harmlessly. Sherman Ray took a shotgun
blast to the chest. Patricia Parks' life ended in her daughter's bedroom with her body pumped
full of phenobarbital. And an elderly African-American woman named Mildred Markham died in
Graceville, Fla., far away from her home and loved ones.
Taylor and Markham met in Chicago in the early 1980s. Markham's husband James, a retired
Pullman porter, earned a good salary in his day. Soon after he passed away, Taylor convinced
the railroad man's widow that she was her long-lost daughter. "All [Mildred] used to do was
talk about this Linda," recalls Markham's granddaughter, Theresa Davis, who is 75 and still
lives in Chicago.
By the time she fell under the sway of her new "daughter," Mildred Markham was well into
her 70s. Davis and her mother tried to convince Markham that Taylor was a con artist, but she
wouldn't listen. Markham went with Taylor to Momence, Ill. From there, they moved to Florida.
All the while, according to Davis, "my grandfather's money was going out the bank." She says
that as much as $50,000 went missing, along with Markham's furniture, sewing machine, jewelry,
and mink coats. And in 1985, Mildred deeded away 185 acres of Markham family land in Mississippi.
The grantees were Linda Lynch and her son Clifford. For his part, Clifford says he had no idea
that his name was on the deed, and that he played no part in this land deal.
... ... ...
Once, when the Harbaughs were in Florida for a visit, Markham begged them to take her back
to Chicago. Carol says Taylor was verbally abusive, and that she watched her lock Markham in
a room. Markham also told them that she wasn't being fed. "She was forced to be there against
her will," Carol says.
They did not rescue Mildred Markham. Johnnie says that he was determined to take her but
that she changed her mind at the last minute and decided to stay. In Carol's recollection,
Taylor told Johnnie, "You even think about it, and I'll blow your head off." She says her husband
took the threat seriously, and he decided not to get involved.
Mildred Markham died on Oct. 5, 1986. Her death certificate says she passed away of "presumed
natural causes," and that she had previously suffered a stroke. The Graceville police department
reported that her husband, Willtrue Loyd, found her body in bed.
Carol Harbaugh says she thought Loyd and Markham had gotten married. Florida records suggest
that was probably the case. In March 1986, Loyd married a woman named "Constance Rayner" in
Marianna, Fla. The marriage application says Constance's home state is Louisiana; Theresa Davis
says that's where her grandmother, Mildred Markham, was born. The bride signed her supposed
maiden name, Constance Wakefield, in a looping script. It's a shaky signature, one that doesn't
much resemble Linda Taylor's tidy penmanship.
Taylor always took something from her prey. But this marriage record, with the telltale
Wakefield surname, shows that even as she sucked this older woman dry, Taylor was grafting
parts of herself onto Mildred Markham.
... ... ...
As in the cases of Patricia Parks and Sherman Ray, Taylor stood to gain financially from
Mildred Markham's death. Mildred's medical examiner's file includes letters from Union Fidelity
Life Insurance and Gulf Life Insurance, both of which were looking to verify the claims of
one "Linda Lynch," the decedent's daughter. The file also contains a note in which someone,
presumably the medical examiner's assistant, writes that Markham's daughter "took out insurance
policies at varied times using different names (marriages)." The daughter needed a letter to
clear up this misunderstanding, and the medical examiner complied. "To the best of my knowledge
Mildred Constance Raner Loyd, Constance Loyd, and Mildred Rayner are one in the same person,"
he wrote.
That wasn't the only confusion about Mildred Markham's death. On May 15, 1987, Dr. D. Bruce
Woodham sent a letter to the medical examiner's office saying that his patient did not die
of natural causes. Woodham, a neurological surgeon, wrote that Markham hadn't suffered a stroke.
Rather, she'd fallen and hit her head. "I believe that Ms. Loyd's death was the result of an
injury, she fell, she sustained a subdural hematoma, and she herniated from this, and that
caused her demise," the doctor explained.
On account of Dr. Woodham's letter, Markham's death was reclassified as an accident. Regardless,
Taylor probably collected on those life insurance policies-so long as there were no accusations
of foul play, the companies more than likely paid up.
Dr. Woodham, who is still practicing, says that although he wrote that Mildred Markham fell
and hit her head, there's no way he can know with certainty. He's not a forensic pathologist,
and he doesn't have the expertise to distinguish between injuries that are consistent with
a fall or ones that might come from a car accident or a blunt instrument. Dr. Woodham says
he doesn't remember the particulars of this case, but in general he goes by what he's told-information
provided by a paramedic, or possibly a family member.
Theresa Davis does not believe her grandmother fell and hit her head. She is convinced that
Mildred Markham was murdered, and that Linda Taylor is somehow responsible.
Six years after Mildred Markham's death, her widower Willtrue Loyd died in Florida at age
72. The medical examiner's report says he succumbed naturally, to heart disease. Loyd's next
of kin is listed as Linda Lynch, his granddaughter. Taylor was only about seven years younger
than her "grandfather." Nevertheless, as Loyd's supposed heir, she presumably stood to receive
the World War II veteran's benefits. Another death, another check.
... ... ...
For Linda Taylor, documents were never simple accountings of the truth. Pieces of paper
always told a story-about her identity, her husbands, her children, her parentage, what was
owed to her, and who owed it-and that story was usually self-serving, contradictory, and false.
That didn't change just because she was dead.
Her death certificate, compiled from information provided by her daughter Sandra Smith,
is a blend of truth, lies, and conjecture. The welfare queen's name is rendered as Constance
Loyd, which it wasn't. Her date of birth is listed as Dec. 25, 1934. It wasn't. She's described
as a homemaker, which she wasn't. Her father and mother are given as Lawrence Wakefield and
Edith Elizabeth Jarvis. They weren't. Her race is white-the same as in the 1930 and 1940 census.
Among her itemized medical conditions is bipolar disorder. That may be true, or it may be a
fabrication.
Are you high maintenance? Some people seem to always be on the edge of becoming upset. They require
a lot of attention, approval, and maybe reassurance. Often such individuals take offense easily at
being overlooked or somehow not recognized. These individuals enjoy being in control of a relationship.
They can be easily overwhelmed with stress and responsibility and often feel as though they are the
most put upon in a relationship. They may see themselves the victim of their mate's insensitivity
and distraction.
Maybe you are married to someone who is high maintenance. You constantly find yourself the object
of criticism and it seems as though you can never do anything to the other's satisfaction. Spouses
of high maintenance individuals often find themselves in no-win dilemmas. No matter what they do
they will incur the disapproval, if not wrath, of their spouse. The high maintenance spouse often
claims their expectations are normal and any reasonable caring loving spouse should anticipate what
to them are the most basic of considerations. Spouses of high maintenance partners can feel as though
they are walking on egg shells waiting for the next failure to occur and they once again are the
source of hurt, injury and pain to their spouse.
Sound familiar at all? Many relationships can be described as one member being more "high maintenance"
than the other. In some relationships this is a long standing pattern and contributes to erosion
of affection and commitment over time. In other relationships the "high maintenance" tag gets shared
depending on changing circumstances and felt needs. One week it is the wife who is high maintenance,
the next week it is the husband. It is conceivable that a relationship might occur in which both
spouses are high maintenance and the relationship dynamics revolve around competition over whose
'felt need' is greatest at any given time.
If you honestly recognize you can be "high maintenance" take heart, be encouraged there is good
news. One, the simple fact you recognize you can be demanding and easily offended puts you in a position
to change. Many high maintenance individuals are oblivious to the pain and suffering they inflict
upon those around them. Self-objectivity, the ability to look at oneself honestly and objectively
is a characteristic of maturity and essential to personal change. If you are unsure about whether
you can be high maintenance, your spouse and loved ones can probably tell you. But, don't ask until
you are really ready to hear their input. A part of being high maintenance is being defensive when
others are critical. If you ask for this feedback, challenge yourself to hear the person out without
rebuttal. Maybe take notes and set them aside for a few days, then go back and review the notes before
responding to the feedback.
Secondly, be encouraged because your sensitivity which leads you to be high maintenance is also
a gift. High maintenance persons are often capable of deep emotional connection and appreciation.
What may be judged as high maintenance may actually be an undeveloped sense of emotional sensitivity
that can be harnessed and directed for deep emotional connection with others. High maintenance individuals
are often capable of deep empathy and compassion. Their sensitivity affords them the recognition
of how circumstances, events, and behavior can impact people emotionally. This is valuable insight
and can be cultivated for great connection and support with others.
The problem with being high maintenance lies with the expectations which we can attach to our
felt wants and desires in relationship. If you are high maintenance, learning how to recognize how
expectations develop in you and how to hold your wants and desires more lightly may help soften the
disappointment when a spouse does not recognize how important something is to you. Most importantly,
beware of looking to a spouse for the significance and security you should be finding in your relationship
with God. High maintenance conflict may be due to demanding some attention, approval, and affirmation
from a spouse which first should be found in our relationship with God and ourselves. If we are secure
in how God sees us, how He loves and cares for us, then the care, attention and affirmation of a
spouse is a gift. We may be disappointed if our spouse neglects us in some way but this is way less
distressing than if we tell ourselves we must have our spouse notice and provide our need.
Feeling entitled to something from our spouse is a sure sign we are becoming "high maintenance."
Being open about desires and wants can go a long way toward helping our spouse understand what
impacts us and contributes to our feeling loved and supported. Recognizing and being grateful when
a spouse is attentive and affirming is especially rewarding and encourages a spouse to be attentive
and affirming in the future. Spouses may not understand the power of reassurance, attention, and
support. Often times they are making efforts to be accommodating but do not recognize the effort
is not in a manner desired or hoped for. Communication about feelings, hopes, and wants beforehand
can go a long way to avoiding conflict when you're prone to be "high maintenance."
If you are married to a high maintenance person you too can be encouraged as well. The cycle of
disappointment and conflict can be sometimes diminished through some basic relationship skills. Giving
your spouse a full hearing when they are distressed will often go a long way to dissipating the emotional
intensity they may be feeling. Remember, listening and validating their feelings do not require anything
to be fixed or changed. It's just an opportunity to offer understanding and care in the way of attention
and presence. The high maintenance spouse can often use judgmental and accusatory language. If one
can listen past the personal criticism to the hurt, disappointment, anxiety and/or fear behind the
attack it may be possible to have compassion for their emotional distress. This is challenging, but
spouses who learn not to take personally the distress in their mate even when it is delivered as
a personal attack learn how to diffuse a great deal of conflict.
Letting the high maintenance spouse know when the attack is crossing over to becoming abusive
and exiting a conversation will also be helpful. A person may lose awareness in the midst of their
negative emotional spin and a caring, calm confrontation and firm "time out" temporary withdrawal
will sometimes help that person become more aware of how their words and tone are not helpful. Above
all, avoid responding in kind to a high maintenance person who is discharging their disappointment
and hurt with a lot of intensity. By remaining calm and not escalating with the other person, a spouse
can often ride out the initial emotional venting, to arrive at a place where genuine emotional connection
can occur.
The emotional distress surrounding disappointment and unmet expectations can be at the center
of so much conflict in relationship. Sorting out one's own emotional expectations and how they are
operating in a moment is key to managing the pull toward becoming "high maintenance." Being able
to absorb some emotional intensity and remain patient and loving with a spouse who is distressed
is a valuable discipline to working through disappointment in relationship. Hopefully these comments
and observations will give you and your spouse some food for thought and maybe some occasion for
conversation. Be careful not to judge each other too harshly about being "high maintenance." Remember,
there is an upside to most personal qualities that initially may seem problematic or annoying, "high
maintenance" is no exception.
Please post a comment to enter a conversation about this column. I so much enjoy the responses
folks are sending to this column. I will contribute to the conversation as well. Let me know if you
have a concern or question which could be addressed in a future column. You can also email
concerns and questions to me at [email protected].
God Bless You, and know we at National Institute of Marriage are praying for you.
Dr. Robert K. Burbee
Licensed Psychologist, Intensive Therapist
National Institute of Marriage
The site is down as DNS name expired....
I spent the first year after the relationship ended uncovering these lies. Hundreds and
hundreds of them. I now realize that his personality is so fake, that I cannot believe a single
thing that he ever told me. I realize that I was an enjoyable sexual partner for him, but I
cannot trust that he ever cared for me in any other way.
In order to carry on his two sexual relationships and his various illegal activities, the
amount of lie which he told to me and to his other girlfriend is staggering.
He is not a person with a soul or a conscience. He is a being who pursues pleasure.
When anything or anyone might inhibit his pleasure, he simply lies his way around it or them.
His morality is formed around the opinions of his friends, who are also 'Cluster B' types.
He and his 'buddies' are pathological liars and addicts; they are grown men who behave like
children in a candy store. Porn, intoxication, loose sex and getting high are their thrills
which they pursue daily.
Knowing that these thrills are unacceptable to their wives and girlfriends, they lie about
them.
Once I was able to unravel all of his lie to me during our thirty month 'reunion' I could
see how he didn't exist a a person. He is nothing besides whatever urge he is fulfilling at
the moment.
If you think that this is too much, think again: "false restrictions stay away order, two
false drug possession charges, and a police investigation on me for being a drug dealer!"
jay September
17, 2015
its as if you just read me the story of my last 8 months. she did the gifts, paying,
for everything, cooking, massages, i love yous, the promises, the lot and all over the top!!!
after literally 4 months to the day all the good things were replaced with dishonesty, lies,
deceitfulness, cheating, abuse, manipulation, mirroring, mimicking etc etc etc long story
short…. now I find myself facing false charges of assault & battery, false restrictions
stay away order, two false drug possession charges, and a police investigation on me for
being a drug dealer!
All from slander, lies, character assassination and absolute bullshit stories. 8
months ago I was a tax paying, mortgage holder and business owner. now I'm potentially a
violent drug dealer and prison inmate.
oh and she is HIV+ from intravenous drug use and/or sex work and didn't mention it ever
in 8 months! my test results came back clear so far but wont know for 6 months for certain.
i was blissfully unaware that such despicably evil women existed . the devil is alive
and well that's for sure, she is living in the suburbs of Sydney Australia….
Adam – July 16, 2015
Let me tell you this, this site is my refuge from my past this a sociopath woman. Every
chapter I read in here, matches what I have experienced. I wish, I have known about this
site while I was dating that sociopath woman. Let's talk about seduction stage, oh boy.
When a woman buys you expensive gift, cloths, shoes and pays for everything, you HAVE to
stop and ask the question: WHY?
I was swept away by all of this and her story was: I am in love with you, I have never
loved before and you are my first real LOVE ever. There were even bigger (ofc turn out to
be empty) promises of a Range Rover SUV (100 K+) , a 6 months long trip to Europe, all paid
by her. I was in heaven and was thinking WOW, this is love life.
Little I knew that she was setting me up to use me to do her dirty money scam, to use
my account to transfer huge amount of $(God know from whom and from where). I am so lucky
to stop that. I am sure she would have blamed me for that as well, if anything would have
gone wrong. Do not be fooled by seduction, NEVER!
Tela – July 16, 2015
Adam, your Female Sociopath sounds exactly what Greg {I refuse to use my ex} as I want
no association to him, did. All the gifts, the flowers, the "I love you" within 3 weeks~
ugggggg, red flags waving all around.
"... She goes into detail and examines the relationship of Pablo Picasso and one of his
main women with whom they had two children. She takes this woman's story, published long ago,
and dissects it in a way in which we understand psychopathic seduction and the subsequent, universal
"bait and switch" and eventual discard, that define the psychopath and his motives and actions.
..."
"... if you're looking for a book that dissects in the most fascinating way how people
become ensnared with disturbing personalities like psychopaths, and what can make it so immensely
hard to disentangle oneself from destructive, devastating individuals and relationships, look
no farther, this is your stop --this is the book for you ..."
set free on October 25, 2011
Another excellent book about psychopaths
Claudia's book about psychopaths, "Dangerous Liaisons" is yet another exquisite and most
helpful read in understanding the experiences with an emotional predator.
What I found most intriguing about this book, was her insertions of the many examples
of others work and spelling it out for the reader in discerning the patterns and behaviors
of psychopaths with her own wonderful "voice" as an author.
For example: She goes into detail and examines the relationship of Pablo Picasso
and one of his main women with whom they had two children. She takes this woman's story,
published long ago, and dissects it in a way in which we understand psychopathic seduction
and the subsequent, universal "bait and switch" and eventual discard, that define the psychopath
and his motives and actions. Claudia takes her own insights and perspectives of having
been with a psychopath herself, and brilliantly lays out the groundwork of understanding
to help others who may be searching for answers about their experiences.
Her work here is excellent in weaving together the painful picture of how a pathological
bond develops, what the psychopath is, what he says and what he does and the traits and
behaviors that are so commonly associated with pathology.
This book, coupled with her fiction novel, "The Seducer" about a pathological relationship,
brings us full circle from Claudia's perspective about what makes the exploiter tick and
how victims/survivors respond to the bond and how to heal from such a trauma.
Becker, July 9, 2015
A Fantastic Probing Into Dark Terrain
This is a great book, not surprisingly, as Moscovici writes about psychopathic personality
and psychopathic relationship dynamics as probingly as anyone out there. No one combines,
as she does, her formidable erudition with her striking clarity of prose. So if you're
looking for a book that dissects in the most fascinating way how people become ensnared
with disturbing personalities like psychopaths, and what can make it so immensely hard to
disentangle oneself from destructive, devastating individuals and relationships, look no
farther, this is your stop --this is the book for you. Moscovici can't help going very
deep into subject matter that interests her, and to our benefit, she can't help exploring
it in a most captivating, illuminating way. I always learn so much from her books.
false restrictions stay away order, two false drug possession charges, and a police investigation
on me for being a drug dealer!/em>
jay September
17, 2015
its as if you just read me thestory of my last 8 months. she did the gifts, paying, for
everything, cooking, massages, i love yous, the promises, the lot and all over the top!!!
after literally 4 months to the day all the good things were replaced with dishonesty, lies,
deceitfulness, cheating, abuse, manipulation, mirroring, mimicking etc etc etc long story
short…. now I find myself facing false charges of assault & battery, false restrictions
stay away order, two false drug possession charges, and a police investigation on me for
being a drug dealer!
All from slander, lies , character assassination and absolute bullshit stories. 8 months
ago I was a tax paying, mortgage holder and business owner. now I'm potentially a violent
drug dealer and prison inmate.
oh and she is HIV+ from intravenous drug use and/or sex work and didn't mention it ever
in 8 months! my test results came back clear so far but wont know for 6 months for certain.
i was blissfully unaware that such despicably evil women existed . the devil is alive
and well that's for sure, she is living in the suburbs of Sydney Australia….
Adam – July 16, 2015
Let me tell you this, this site is my refuge from my past this a sociopath woman. Every
chapter I read in here, matches what I have experienced. I wish, I have known about this
site while I was dating that sociopath woman. Let's talk about seduction stage, oh boy.
When a woman buys you expensive gift, cloths, shoes and pays for everything, you HAVE to
stop and ask the question: WHY? I was swept away by all of this and her story was: I am
in love with you, I have never loved before and you are my first real LOVE ever. There were
even bigger (ofc turn out to be empty) promises of a Range Rover SUV (100 K+) , a 6 months
long trip to Europe, all paid by her. I was in heaven and was thinking WOW, this is love
life. Little I knew that she was setting me up to use me to do her dirty money scam, to
use my account to transfer huge amount of $(God know from whom and from where). I am so
lucky to stop that. I am sure she would have blamed me for that as well, if anything would
have gone wrong. Do not be fooled by seduction, NEVER!
Tela – July 16, 2015
Adam, your Female Sociopath sounds exactly what Greg {I refuse to use my ex} as I want
no association to him, did. All the gifts, the flowers, the "I love you" within 3 weeks~
ugggggg, red flags waving all around.
When it comes to relieving stress, more giggles and guffaws are just what the doctor ordered.
Here's why.
By Mayo Clinic
Staff
Whether you're guiltily guffawing at an episode of "South Park" or quietly giggling at the
latest New Yorker cartoon, laughing does you good. Laughter is a great form of stress relief,
and that's no joke.
Stress relief from laughter
A good sense of humor can't cure all ailments, but data are mounting about the positive
things laughter can do.
Short-term benefits
A good laugh has great short-term effects. When you start to laugh, it doesn't just lighten
your load mentally, it actually induces physical changes in your body. Laughter can:
- Stimulate many organs. Laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich
air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released
by your brain.
- Activate and relieve your stress response. A rollicking laugh fires
up and then cools down your stress response and increases your heart rate and blood pressure.
The result? A good, relaxed feeling.
- Soothe tension. Laughter can also stimulate circulation and aid muscle
relaxation, both of which help reduce some of the physical symptoms of stress.
Long-term effects
Laughter isn't just a quick pick-me-up, though. It's also good for you over the long haul.
Laughter may:
- Improve your immune system. Negative thoughts manifest into chemical
reactions that can affect your body by bringing more stress into your system and decreasing
your immunity. In contrast, positive thoughts actually release neuropeptides that help fight
stress and potentially more-serious illnesses.
- Relieve pain. Laughter may ease pain by causing the body to produce
its own natural painkillers. Laughter may also break the pain-spasm cycle common to some
muscle disorders.
- Increase personal satisfaction. Laughter can also make it easier to
cope with difficult situations. It also helps you connect with other people.
- Improve your mood. Many people experience depression, sometimes due
to chronic illnesses. Laughter can help lessen your depression and anxiety and make you
feel happier.
Improve your sense of humor
Are you afraid you have an underdeveloped - or nonexistent - funny bone? No problem. Humor
can be learned. In fact, developing or refining your sense of humor may be easier than you
think.
- Put humor on your horizon. Find a few simple items, such as photos
or comic strips that make you chuckle. Then hang them up at home or in your office. Keep
funny movies or comedy albums on hand for when you need an added humor boost.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Find a way to laugh about your
own situations and watch your stress begin to fade away. Even if it feels forced at first,
practice laughing. It does your body good.
- Share a laugh. Make it a habit to spend time with friends who make
you laugh. And then return the favor by sharing funny stories or jokes with those around
you.
- Knock-knock. Browse through your local bookstore or library's selection
of joke books and get a few rib ticklers in your repertoire that you can share with friends.
- Know what isn't funny. Don't laugh at the expense of others. Some forms
of humor aren't appropriate. Use your best judgment to discern a good joke from a bad, or
hurtful, one.
Laughter is the best medicine
Go ahead and give it a try. Turn the corners of your mouth up into a smile and then give
a laugh, even if it feels a little forced. Once you've had your chuckle, take stock of how
you're feeling. Are your muscles a little less tense? Do you feel more relaxed or buoyant?
That's the natural wonder of laughing at work.
Freud pointed out a century ago that humor offers us a healthy means of coping with life stress.
George Vaillant, in his book, Adaptation to Life, reported that in-depth interviews revealed
that humor was a very effective coping mechanism used by many professional men under stress.
Gail Sheehy reported the same thing for both men and women in her book, Pathfinders.A key
idea emerging in both of these books is that you need to actively use your sense of humor in
dealing with the hassles and stresses in your life to get the coping benefits. You can have
a good sense of humor, but still have your sense of humor abandon you when things begin to
go wrong. On your good mood days, you can have quick and easy access to a playful attitude,
be the one who comes up with clever quips or finds a funny side to things that happen, and
be able to poke fun at yourself. But this won't help you in managing the stress in your life
unless you can do the same thing on the tough days.
"If it weren't for the brief respite we give the world with our foolishness, the world
would see mass suicide in numbers that compare favorably with the death rate of lemmings."
(Groucho Marx)
This view was supported by a Canadian study that found that even if you're someone who finds
a lot of humor in everyday life, it doesn't help you cope with stress unless you also make
an effort to actively use humor to deal with that stress.126 So even though you
have a great sense of humor when all is well, you'll be just as stressed out as the next person
on your bad days.
People who have access to their sense of humor in the midst of stress are much more
resilient than the rest of us. They are emotionally more flexible, and can bend without breaking
in the midst of the most difficult circumstances. If you're lucky, and have parents who showed
a good sense of humor in the midst of stress, chances are you've already got some of those
qualities within yourself. You just need to refine and strengthen them. One study showed that
even a 5-session humor workshop was enough to improve adults' use of humor to cope with life
stress.127
>[Jul 14, 2015]
Importance of physical exersize
Out brains are deeply connected to our bodies. One way to improve your mental stability and
the capacities to endure stress is to use vigorous exercise regiment. This is the point that implicitly
was made by prominent neuroscientist Wendy Suzuki in her book
Healthy Brain, Happy Life A Personal Program to Activate Your Brain and Do Everything Better.
It looks like aerobic exercises are important for mental stability and the ability to cope with
stress. Of cause, an important warning attributed to
Talleyrand "Not too much zeal"
is applicable here too. Some additional ideas might be extracted from the following reviews:
"... "Exercise is responsible for the majority of the positive brain changes seen with
environmental enrichment.""
A neuroscientist transforms the way we think about our brain, our health, and our personal
happiness in this clear, informative, and inspiring guide-a blend of personal memoir, science
narrative, and immediately useful takeaways that bring the human brain into focus as never
before, revealing the powerful connection between exercise, learning, memory, and cognitive
abilities.
Nearing forty, Dr. Wendy Suzuki was at the pinnacle of her career. An award-winning university
professor and world-renowned neuroscientist, she had tenure, her own successful research lab,
prestigious awards, and international renown.
That's when to celebrate her birthday, she booked an adventure trip that forced her to wake
up to a startling reality: despite her professional success, she was overweight, lonely, and
tired and knew that her life had to change. Wendy started simply-by going to an exercise class.
Eventually, she noticed an improvement in her memory, her energy levels, and her ability to
work quickly and move from task to task easily. Not only did Wendy begin to get fit, but she
also became sharper, had more energy, and her memory improved. Being a neuroscientist, she
wanted to know why.
What she learned transformed her body and her life. Now, it can transform yours.
Wendy discovered that there is a biological connection between exercise, mindfulness, and
action. With exercise, your body feels more alive and your brain actually performs better.
Yes-you can make yourself smarter. In this fascinating book, Suzuki makes neuroscience easy
to understand, interweaving her personal story with groundbreaking research, and offering practical,
short exercises-4 minute Brain Hacks-to engage your mind and improve your memory, your ability
to learn new skills, and function more efficiently.
Taking us on an amazing journey inside the brain as never before, Suzuki helps us unlock
the keys to neuroplasticity that can change our brains, or bodies, and, ultimately, our lives.
Bassocantor
TOP 50 REVIEWER on May 19, 2015
We Have An Enormous Capacity To Change Into The Very Best Version Of Ourselves
HEALTHY BRAIN, HAPPY LIFE is a fun read, filled with all kinds of exciting ways to expand
your brain power. My favorite parts of the book are these little sections that the author
calls "Brain Hacks." These sections are lists of easy ways to really supercharge your brain
and make use of the latent power in it.
Here's the theme in a nutshell: "One thing I know for sure is that brain plasticity endows
us with an enormous capacity to change into the very best version of ourselves that we can
be." Dr. Suzuki explains that she uses 20 years of research in neuroscience to apply these
same principles to her own personal life. She admits that she "Went from living as a virtual
lab rat --an overweight middle aged woman would had achieved many things in science, but
who could not seem to figure out how to also be a healthy, happy woman..."
One of her main discoveries is the powerful mind-body link. The author emphasizes how
powerful exercise is. "Exercise is responsible for the majority of the positive brain changes
seen with environmental enrichment." And so, Dr. Suzuki invests much time talking about
the power of the brain-body connection. Towards that end, she combines physical workouts
as a way to energize your brain: "The body has a powerful influence on her brain functions
and conversely but the brain has a powerful influence over how are bodies feel and work
and heal." Exercise causes definite changes in your body--it boosts the level of three key
chemicals that affect mood.
The key is to make your workouts intentional. Towards that end, the author suggests ways
to do this--for example, proclaiming affirmations out loud. "Intentional exercise happens
when you make exercise both aerobic and mental...You are fully engaged in the moment and
trigger a heightened awareness of the brain body connection." In the Brain Hacks suction,
the author lists different exercises that would best fit you.
Another great section is the section on creativity. You can actually improve your creative
thinking; it is "a particular version of regular thinking they can be practiced and improved
like any other cognitive skill." Once again, the author lists great suggestions in the Brain
Hacks section on ways to jumpstart your creativity. The key point is to learn something
new and "Try to use as many senses as you can." For example, one fun suggestion is to "Sit
outside and blindfold yourself for 4 minutes. Then, listen to the world sounds in a new
way."
All in all, HEALTHY BRAIN, HAPPY LIFE is a fun, inspiring read. The author is full of
great, uplifting ideas. My favorite chapter is the one on creativity. The end of the book
contains an extensive Reference section, in which the author documents the various points
she makes.
Highly recommend!
Advance copy for impartial review
love2dazzle on June 10, 2015
Happy Life" by Wendy Suzuki is all about focusing on ...
"Healthy Brian, Happy Life" by Wendy Suzuki is all about focusing on expanding your brain
power. Our bodies and mind have a very powerful link. Dr. Suzuki has invested her life to
focusing on the brain. She goes on to state that "Exercise is responsible for the majority
of the positive brain changes seen with environmental enrichment." Dr. Suzuki is making
the point that we need to exercise to work our brain to its fullest potential. She goes
on to make the point that you want to make sure the exercise is intentional because that
is what exercise you both mentally and aerobically.The second best way to expand your
brain is by creativity. The point of creativity is to learn new things that will improve
your brain and your senses. One is able to find different ways to help build and exercise
their brain. The author calls some of the tips she gives "Brain Hacks" so I thought this
was a great learning tool.
I thought "Healthy Brain, Happy Life" was very insightful. I thought this book had a
lot of good tips and was also able to explain the brain and how things worked really well.
I did enjoy reading it and learning new things on how I am able to improve my brain function.
Bruny Hudsonon June 13, 2015
Interesting theory for improving one's life
The book "Healthy Brain, Happy Life" by Wendy Suzuki is about a success story, about
the author's life. It's entertaining and enriching but sometimes out of touch with reality.
Considering that the author is a neuroscientist, her line of reasoning sounds dubious in
parts of the book, especially her generalizing concepts of life. Just because an effort
has worked for her, it does not mean it will work for someone else. Nevertheless, the book
deserves a five-star rating because of the author's pleasant writing style and the well-explained
examples of research in neuroscience.
Transporter chair reviewer, on July 9, 2015
Mainly autobiographical
I saw her interviewed on CBS and found her a charming and energetic person. I am not
sure what take aways I have from the book, though it interested me since I am also an Asian
American woman who is an over achiever, and many of her experiences resonated. I enjoyed
the read. I am not sure what type of person I would recommend it to . I am also a doctor.
It was fun to review some of the neurobiology and learn some new things.
Editor's Note: Yesterday, Lovefraud posted a story from a reader whom we'll call "Maura."
She describes how a female sociopath latched on to her recently widowed father, took over his
life, and tried to hasten his demise.
Read the story. Following are tips that Maura and her family learned the hard way.
Our Advice On How to Protect An Elderly Relative
This is our advice based on our experience to best protect an elderly relative should they
marry a sociopath or a gold digger:
1. Immediately hire a private investigator to do a background check on
the new spouse. Verify marriage status, divorce and marriage history, career history, credit
history, bankruptcy, ancestry, court records, previous lawsuits, registered businesses, property
ownership, number and names of children and siblings in the family as well as trade and university
qualifications. You can investigate this yourself but it takes a lot longer and you may not
be aware of the places you need to search or have to pay to access the site.
2. The new spouse will probably be estranged from most members of their
own family and claim their family are bipolar, crazy, dead, ill or live interstate. If estranged,
find out these family members' names and the towns where they live and contact them as soon
as possible. They will be grateful you called and tell you more about the sociopath's true
nature. Use an alias if you have to. The ex will tell you exactly what you are up against.
3. ...
4. ...Copy or scan all your family photos and keep them in a safe place
as they will be disappear or be destroyed. Find some pretext to get hold of the keepsakes,
heirlooms and mementos. Replace them with fakes if need be.
5. ...
6. Locate and photograph all the passwords to every account of the elderly
relative. You can then keep an eye on the accounts and know if they are being drained.
7. Never believe a single word the sociopath says, no matter how charming,
gracious or supportive they may seem. However, to the sociopath, pretend you believe them wholeheartedly.
Maintain a polite, friendly demeanor and flatter them. They will look for any excuse to blacklist
you.
8. Ninety-eight percent of what the sociopath will tell you is completely
fabricated. Always covertly check up on their stories or claims about anyone or anything and
question the veracity of such claims with family or friends. Communicate regularly, openly,
and most importantly, directly with family and friends, rather than through the disordered
sociopath. The sociopath will seek to create mistrust and create division by lying to you about
others. This is how they destroy relationships and gain control, over incoming and outgoing
information. Their ultimate goal is to have total control over your elderly relative.
9. ...Type up transcripts of conversations. This is very revealing as to
how what they say just doesn't make sense. It also shows how devious and manipulative they
are in.
10. Never confide in the sociopath or divulge any personal information
or feelings about yourself or anyone in your family. It will be used in a smear campaign against
you at a later date. Be dull and uninteresting in their presence, minimizing one-on-one conversations.
Talk about the most mundane things. When they ask questions about you or your family be
vague and forgetful or change the subject.
11. Refrain from emotional displays such as tears, anxiety, disappointment,
anger, hurt, or fear as that tells the sociopath what upsets you and how to hurt you further.
12. Whenever you deal with them be cool, calm and business-like. Show no
fear or weakness and never apologize to them or beg and plead with them. When the sociopath
creates drama or pressures you for an immediate response to any issue, always say that you
will think about it and get back to them.
13. Always have another person/relative present whenever you visit them.
That way everything can be verified by your witness.
14. Never let the sociopath mind your house, pets or children. The sociopath
will snoop and rifle through every drawer and paper. They will also use this as an opportunity
to covertly pit your children against each other and you.
15. Make sure that either you, other family members, the family lawyer
or accountant have medical and financial power of attorney for your elderly relative. Keep
these documents in a safe place. At some stage the sociopath will try to gain control of this
for their own personal gain.
16. If you suspect the sociopath is cheating in their relationship, tail
them or have your friends or a private detective do so. If possible obtain photographs of the
liaison...
17. If the sociopath ever wants you or your family to sign or witness anything,
insist on reading all the fine detail in the document first. If they pull the line "Don't you
trust me?," just smile and say you trust them implicitly, but that you always read the fine
print first as you only want what is best for them, and you would never forgive yourself if
they were defrauded in any way. Never be bullied with the excuse that it is urgent.
18. Never let the sociopath have access to you or your family's computer,
email, address book, financial records, investments etc.
19. Never finance, bankroll or become a business partner in any of their
business ventures. They will swindle or bankrupt you.
20. Never rely on the sociopath's hearsay as to what a doctor, lawyer,
accountant, police, pastor etc said. Deal directly with these people and always VERIFY. Obtain
your own copy of this documentation and keep it in a safe place.
21. Remember that sociopaths fear being exposed. They do not want the truth
about them to be known. Keep records of every interaction with them. Who, what, where and why.
Events, actions, words spoken, date and time and place. This will confirm your recollections
against their warped version. Build up an arsenal of evidence with documents, recordings, texts,
emails letters and transcripts. You then have a rock solid case.
22. Always stay in touch with your elderly relative, despite the sociopath's
efforts to keep you away. Let the elderly relative know that you support and care about them.
You are just waiting to help anytime if and when needed.
23. Sociopaths fear losing control. Love to them means ownership and control.
The elderly relative belongs to them. The sociopath loves this elderly relative in proportion
to how much they can use them. Their loyalty ends where the benefits stop. When sociopaths
lose their grip or control over someone, the mask of pretension will be dropped and you get
to experience their full on rage.
24. Covertly videotape their rages. Install a Nanny -Cam to find out how
they treat your elderly relative when you aren't there.
25. Keep copies of your elderly relative's birth certificates, drivers
license, bank accounts, passport, loan documents, car registration in a safe place. Backup
everything on your computer.
26. Ensure that your elderly relative's will is in the form of a testamentary
trust. Check this regularly as the new spouse will at some stage make themselves the sole beneficiary.
27. Find an aggressive, pit bull lawyer as soon as you suspect that the
new spouse is a sociopath or gold digger. This lawyer must have experience in dealing with
sociopaths swindling the elderly. If you are involved in legal proceedings know that the sociopath
will lie under oath and expect outrageous, false allegations of abuse and hostility. Expect
false claims of living expenses and needless delays. They see ultimatums or pressure as threats
or games. The sociopath does not play by the rules.
28. Remember that the more charming the sociopath is, the more suspicious
you need to be.
29. ...
AnnettePK, June 24, 2015 at 12:52 pm
Really good advice, and much of it applies to remarriages of any age. I was widowed at
age 36, and remarried a gold-digging sociopath 10 years later. Exploitation is what
defines this disorder, at any age.
It's All Your Fault! explains, in easy-to-understand terminology, behaviors of people who
have personality disorders, particularly blaming, irrational, and impulsive behaviors. This
is a growing problem-possibly effecting over 25 percent of the US population-and a predictable
one that can be managed and keep everyday problems from becoming high conflict disputes.
Laura on April 7, 2012
Extremely helpful
I recently managed an employee who's a high conflict person (probably BPD). I learned
so much from this book and it actually gave me empathy for these folks and the fact that
you simply can't reason with them. They have such a hair trigger for danger and go into
some sort of serious survival mode.
My employee tried to report a "hostile work environment" to HR, but I'd already been
talking to HR about her for a period of time. I, also, luckily, had a strong reputation
for being very empathetic, fair, and calm.
Her survival technique was to talk to my manager and manager's manager about me, when
I tried to enforce any boundaries or work standards. The first time it happened, I became
extrememly concerned. But by using these techniques and following the advice in this book--it's
almost like she got frustrated that I wouldn't react and quit. She didn't like constructive,
simple feedback and from the point I started coaching her and working w/ HR to when she
quit only took about two months.
What was scary about this perons, was that she couldn't get through a sentence without
twisting things or outright lieing. It's like she was contantly spinning everything to try
to manipulate peopel's perception. She'd lie about things it made no sense to lie about.
One week she'd storm at me and cry and be going to HR and the next week she'd ask to have
lunch as if nothing happened.
I was definitely this person's "Target of Blame", and she did enlist a negative advocate
to vent to, but this person ended up being very nice to me, and we get along. I don't doubt
it's damaged some of my relationships, which had always been good at work.
It was one of the draining, stressful experiences I've ever been through and this book
was a godsend.
I'd say if you're dealing with a high conflict person at work...get this book, read it
all the way through once, and then read through slowly and really aborb the information.
It works. I used the E.A.R. method, and I remembered that you can never, ever let your (understandable
and justified) anger show. People with BPD in particular have preternatural attunement for
emotions, though.
Next...document everything. Take time out of each day to note the date, and right down
anything and everything that happened. Never be alone with the High Conflict Person and
beat them to the punch. Get to HR, managers, etc. first and bring all your documentation.
Don't let on to the person in any way that you're doing this, though.
These people can trigger a lot of emotions, so it's important to really take care of
yourself, use the support systems at work for employees, and even bring this book to HR
or your management team to explain what's going on (be careful though, as Eddy describes
in the book, you only want to use this info to protect yourself). This is all easier said
than done, I'd wake up in the middle of the night with knots in my stomach and feel scared
to go to work not knowing what she'd do next.
I also have some high conflict family members, so this book has already helped me not
engage or escalate drama.
You can't change these folks, tell them they're wrong, or get them to listen to reason.
So save yourself years of heartache and hurt, and don't try.
Just protect yourself and get on with your life.
Maeri VINE VOICE on February 26, 2012
How to protect yourself from toxic people
Bill Eddy's It's All Your Fault is a must-have book for anyone (and that is most of us)
who have what he calls High Conflict People in our lives. What makes this book so valuable
is that it isn't a psychology book, even though he does briefly write about the origins
of the personality disorders that HCPs suffer from. This book is about how to protect yourself
from becoming sucked into drama, distorted feelings and paranoia that HCPs bring into our
lives. The examples of HCPs that Eddy writes about are those we encounter in legal and business
settings.
HCPs waste vast amounts of taxpayer money through frivolous and bizarre litigation
and can cripple businesses and demoralize their fellow employees with their angry and manipulative
behavior. Eddy's advice seems counter-intuitive; he suggests listening to their complaints
with what he calls E.A.R., that is Empathy, Attention and Respect. Anything less simply
confirms their self-image of themselves as victims, makes their behavior worse and opens
us up to being what he calls a target of blame on the HCPs part. We also risk getting sucked
into the HCPs drama and taking their side and becoming a negative advocate and unwittingly
making a bad situation worse.
Eddy wisely writes that HCPs cannot tolerate the slightest amount of criticism and nothing
we can do will change them. This is great advice.
Other books about dealing with personality-disordered people suggest that we have
the capacity to change them and frankly, it's absolutely futile.
All we can do is steer clear of them. Eddy also suggests a communication style he calls
B.I.F.F. This means keeping our communications with HCPs Brief, Informative, Friendly and
Firm and establishing strong boundaries with them (since they are incapable of establishing
boundaries themselves). This is an invaluable book, clearly and concisely written, and thank
you Bill Eddy for making your experience available to us!
Word Crafter, May 5, 2012
Great examples clearly explained
When you have to deal with a hostile person, responding with hostility just escalates
the conflict. Eddy advises keeping your responses Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
He presents several real-life examples. Even better, he recognizes that it takes practice
to use the BIFF formula. Several of his examples show how to take a first attempt at a BIFF
reply and improve it. Eddy is an expert who knows how to explain his knowledge in a clear,
practical way.
al, September 30, 2013
A great help.
I am dealing with a BPD person in my life and this has helped me know how to communicate
in a way to end a discussion quickly with accurate understanding. I fell into the trap of
reasoning and defending myself in communicating with this person which used to escalate
the situation to no resolution and a huge amount of contention and conflict. I wish I knew
about this years ago, but it is saving my life at this point non the less.
Three Kinds of Divorces
Two things make a High Conflict Divorce possible... Motive and
Means. Many people view their divorce as high conflict because it is stressful and
because there are conflicts and confrontation. But the truth is that very few divorces are
actually high conflict in the strict sense of this term. In my professional experience there
are three kinds of divorce scenarios.
- Business-like divorce. The parties recognize that they are no longer
in love, maybe never were, and just want to go away. So they part amicably and unless there
are children they have little contact in the future. If there are children, they handle
things fairly and respectfully in order to provide quality parenting for their children.
- Friendly divorce. This couple recognizes that they probably would have
made better friends than sweethearts, so the parting is amicable. Often these couples do
indeed remain friends and share parenting comfortably with each other and future spouses.
When people hear about this kind of divorce they are surprised but in truth about one third
of couples actually have a friendly divorce.
- High Conflict divorce. Unfortunately this type of couple cannot resolve
their differences in either a business like manner nor in a friendly way. They create a
war that is costly and damaging to the children and to themselves. In fact the damage they
wreak spreads a wide net into their extended families and friends, and sometimes even into
the greater community. In the long run this couple pays the price because they may never
be able to restore their lives to healthy functioning.
Controlling PeopleBefore getting to the motive and means behind high conflict divorce, let's
take a little detour to better understand the type of person who usually initiates a high conflict
divorce. Author Patricia Evans calls them "Controlling People."
In a nutshell, controlling people are narcissistic and low on empathy. The narcissist acts
as if he or she is the center of the Universe. In his or her eyes, their beliefs are the "right"
ones. Their perspective is the "right one." Their actions are the "right ones."
A natural outcome of the narcissistic personality is a lack of empathy for others. While
the narcissist is well aware of his or her feelings they have no concept of how the other feels.
When you don't know how another person feels it is extremely difficult to understand the other's
beliefs, perspective, or actions. Therefore, the narcissist is often negative and critical
of the other if they disagree.
Loving relationships require empathy to mature. If you have empathy for your spouse you
know how he or she feels. This means you can relate to their beliefs, perspective and actions
even if you do not agree. If you can relate you can be respectful and kind. Being able to step
into another's shoes is vital to a healthy relationship and to your own personal growth. Because
they are different than us, our sweetheart in life, helps us to see things in new ways...ways
we could never have understood without empathy.
While controlling people are narcissistic and do not understand you, the other ingredient
for a high conflict divorce is the narcissist's counterpart, a person who works for equality
in relationships. This type of person is often very nurturing and self-effacing, and has a
strong sense of justice. Thus while the controlling person works toward a win-lose solution
to problems, the nurturing or egalitarian person works for a win-win solution. According to
Patricia Evans, this places the win-win person at a disadvantage. While the egalitarian person
keeps empathizing with the controlling person in an effort to create a win-win solution, the
controlling person views this behavior as weak and an opportunity to conquer.
Essentially the controlling person creates a power struggle with the unwitting egalitarian.
This keeps the egalitarian "on the hook," so to speak because they can't seem to realize that
they will never create a win-win solution with a controlling person. Sadly it appears to be
true that narcissists marry egalitarians and create high conflict divorces all too often.
Motive and Means
Personality alone is not enough to create a high conflict divorce. The individuals also
need Motive and Means.
"Means" generally equates to money and/or power. If one or both parties have enough money
to wage a war and they are not concerned with an unhealthy outcome (or not aware of this possibility),
this leads to a high conflict divorce. But generally healthy people will quit the conflict
when they recognize that they are throwing their money away. Only those snared by the narcissistic
power struggle will continue to the "death."
Another source of means is power, which can come in a variety of forms. Being a divorce
attorney is a source of power. Having a personal relationship with the Judge is a source of
power. Being personally acquainted with the local police and the city prosecutor helps. Being
famous or having media connections is a source of power. All of these things can be used to
create a high conflict divorce.
A third source of means is being irrational and tenacious. Even without money or power,
a person can create a high conflict divorce through simple means. There is an axiom that the
most irrational and inconsistent person in the system is in control of the system because...they
don't follow the rules. If the controlling person is uncooperative, antagonistic, and dishonorable,
a high conflict divorce will take shape.
Then there is "motive." If a person feels aggrieved and they are narcissistic, they can
feel justified doing just about anything to trash and burn the other person. This includes
dragging the children into the fray. And no matter how self-effacing the egalitarian is, he
or she will fight back if pushed far enough. Thus the motive to protect and defend is aroused.
Unfortunately trying to fight a narcissist is like dousing yourself with gasoline and lighting
yourself on fire.
Solutions to High Conflict Divorce
In spite of this disheartening look at high conflict divorce, I still believe it is possible
to prevent or at least better tolerate a high conflict divorce. Anyone going through a life
changing experience like a divorce, high conflict or otherwise, should seek the support of
a therapist, your church, and other groups supportive of your experience. The Kanji for "Crisis"
equates to "danger" and "opportunity." In order to see the opportunities in something as tragic
as a divorce you will need a level head. While friends and family may love you, your therapist
will be more objective. You definitely need objectivity to stay out of the power struggles
that the controlling person can create in a high conflict divorce.
If at all possible work with a mediator to craft a win-win solution to your divorce. Be
willing to compromise and to walk away with a "half fair deal." In the long run, walking away
from your money and possessions is worth it to avoid the acrimony. Remember, too, that it is
only your perception that you are getting an unfair deal. With the dollars you save on legal
fees you can free up your life to explore a new and healthier way of living.
On the other hand if you are up against a party who refuses to negotiate honorably, then
you have to use another strategy. And the most important thing to consider is that your desire
to be reasonable and fair may be exactly what does you in. When you seek a win-win solution
but the other party seeks a win-lose solution, the other party is in the driver's seat, at
least in our current Divorce Court environment.
So here is the simple answer if you do not wish to stoop to the underhanded level. Do your
best to secure a fair, mediated agreement. If you cannot swing a mediated agreement with the
controlling party, and in very short order, don't hesitate and hope that he or she will somehow
change their mind. You need to act swiftly before you are inundated. Give them what they want
and count your blessings that they allowed you to get away.
Never, ever, go to Court with a controlling person who wants nothing more than to trash
and burn you especially if they have means (i.e. money or power). And never, ever, go to Court
with a controlling person if you have children to protect. The Court system is designed to
determine a winner and a loser, not resolve conflict amicably and certainly not to protect
the innocent. If you are really a win-win type of person, you are no match for a system that
does not hold the attacker responsible, but instead requires you to defend yourself against
the constant attacks of the controlling person. You just can't keep up.
It is not easy to take the high road in these kinds of situations. Regardless of what you
lose in the way of material goods or even psychological status in your community, trust that
taking the high road means that you and your children will be able to sleep soundly at night.
The gift to yourself and your family is to walk away from these Divorce Wars with your integrity
and compassion in tact. That does count for something in God's Eyes.
Useful Links
Patricia Evans' website on verbal
abuse and controlling people.
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The Last but not Least Technology is dominated by
two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt.
Ph.D
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