Love bombing is an all-encompassing, exhaustive campaign of flattery that “bombs” the target
with non-stop positive reinforcement. Typically, the love-bomber showers his or her mark with compliments,
praise and appreciation, declarations of undying love early on, promises of a future together, frequent
contact by calls, texts and emails, gift-giving, great sex, and a lot of time spent with each other.
It’s extreme and over-the-top. This is a confidence game. They
tell us what we want to hear, promise us what we secretly want. They recognize common traits, like
our tendency to see others as similar to ourselves, our illusion of control, and our unwillingness
to think badly about ourselves. They prey on traits that makes us valuable community members. As
Konnikova writes:
“The same thing that can underlie success can also
make you all the more vulnerable to the grifter’s wares. We are predisposed to trust.”
As with propaganda, those who think themselves most immune
are, actually, most vulnerable.
At the same time we can detect fraud and maintained our
sanity when confronted with even the most skillfully executed love bombing. Resistance is possible.
The key is to maintain healthy bondaries (see
The sociopath identifies what the victim wants and how to play on that desire
to achieve what the con-artist wants. Size someone up well, and you can sell them anything; it helps
to have someone in the throes of some sort of life turmoil - the sociopath preys on what people
wish were true, reaffirming their views of themselves and giving their lives meaning. Doing so
requires the creation of empathy and rapport - laying an emotional foundation before any scheme is proposed.
This is exercise in emotional manipulation: building trust, sympathy, and rapport
with victim. Also it is exercise in persuasion. We believe such a person because we want to, and we
offer whatever they want - money, reputation, trust, support, and don't realize what is happening
until it is too late. No one is immune to this art -- it is not about what IQ you have, but whether
you have a weak points on which the attacker can play like a gifted musician plays violin. Those tricks
are especially effective if you undergo a difficult moment in your life (misfortune). Sadness makes us more prone to risk taking and impulsivity -
perfect environment for sociopaths. That's why such people like widows, divorcées, those who lost
job to layoff, and who suffer from loneliness. "'How badly they treated you, my dear! You are so
gifted and such a great person" And we believe it, because we want it to be true.
Psychopaths make up an estimated 1% of male population; among women, they are more rare, but the
makes woman psychopaths especially dangerous. Such people are likely to be narcissist and
Machiavellian.
Narcissism entails a sense of grandiosity, entitlement, an overly inflated sense of worth.
Machiavellian personality (aka con artist) imply the intuitive mastery of the art of manipulation
and come with a specific set of traits that allows one to manipulate others - employs measured aggression,
breach of trust, exploitation, and other devious moves. They are also more likely to attempt to bluff,
cheat, bargain, and ingratiate themselves with others, and more successful at doing so: they
are expert storytellers (eg. 'I'm supporting my mother, who now has Parkinson' 'I had PTSD from Iraq.'Once we've accepted a story as true we will probably unconsciously bend any contradictory
information to conform to the conclusion we've already drawn - it's known as 'confirmation bias.'
Ultimately, what a confidence artist sells is hope. Many cases go unreported - most cases, by some
estimates. AARP found that only 37% of victims over 55 will admit to having fallen for a con, and
just over half those under 55 do so. Most con artists don't ever come to trial because they aren't
brought to the authorities to begin with.
Psychopaths are accomplished liars, have no conscience, and are very hard to identify
Listed below is the Hare
Psychopathy
Checklist
-Revised, a diagnostic tool used to identify
psychopathic traits.
It was compiled by Dr. Robert Hare, Emeritus Professor of Psychology at the
University of British Columbia, where he has taught and conducted research for
more than four decades, devoting most of his academic career to the study of
psychopathy
.
Dr. Hare created the
psychopathy checklist
as a tool to
determine the length of stay for criminals in prison. It's obvious that the
degree of
psychopathic traits
present in criminals would play a
deciding factor on the length of stay. Dr. Hare ranks each trait on a scale of
0-3. For example, if a prisoner ranks 1 on all 20 traits, then he or she would
rank 20. Someone who ranks a 3 on all 20 traits would receive a score of 60 and
would probably receive a longer length of stay in prison.
Dr. Hare spends much time with each prisoner and consequently, scores them to
his best abilities. But even to Dr. Hare's own chagrin, he has been duped by many
psychopaths. With that in mind, please do not read through the traits and
instantly analyze everyone in your life. This information is meant to give you an
overview and it's something you can use as a tool to assess yourself and to use
wisely when assessing others.
The Hare Psychopathy Checklist – Revised
GLIB and SUPERFICIAL CHARM
- The tendency to be smooth,
engaging, charming, slick, and verbally facile. Psychopathic charm is not in
the least shy, self-conscious, or afraid to say anything. A psychopath never
gets tongue-tied. They have freed themselves from the social conventions about
taking turns in talking, for example.
GRANDIOSE SELF-WORTH
- A grossly inflated view of one's
abilities and self-worth, self-assured, opinionated, cocky, a braggart.
Psychopaths are arrogant people who believe they are superior human beings.
NEED FOR STIMULATION or PRONENESS TO BOREDOM
- An
excessive need for novel, thrilling, and exciting stimulation; taking chances
and doing things that are risky. Psychopaths often have low self-discipline in
carrying tasks through to completion because they get bored easily. They fail
to work at the same job for any length of time, for example, or to finish tasks
that they consider dull or routine.
PATHOLOGICAL LYING
- Can be moderate or high; in moderate
form, they will be shrewd, crafty, cunning, sly, and clever; in extreme form,
they will be deceptive, deceitful, underhanded, unscrupulous, manipulative, and
dishonest.
CONNING AND MANIPULATIVENESS
- The use of deceit and
deception to cheat, con, or defraud others for personal gain; distinguished
from Item #4 in the degree to which exploitation and callous ruthlessness is
present, as reflected in a lack of concern for the feelings and suffering of
one's victims.
LACK OF REMORSE OR GUILT
- A lack of feelings or concern
for the losses, pain, and suffering of victims; a tendency to be unconcerned,
dispassionate, cold-hearted, and non-empathic. This item is usually
demonstrated by a disdain for one's victims.
SHALLOW AFFECT
- Emotional poverty or a limited range or
depth of feelings; interpersonal coldness in spite of signs of open
gregariousness.
CALLOUSNESS and LACK OF EMPATHY
- A lack of feelings
toward people in general; cold, contemptuous, inconsiderate, and tactless.
PARASITIC LIFESTYLE
- An intentional, manipulative,
selfish, and exploitative financial dependence on others as reflected in a lack
of motivation, low self-discipline, and inability to begin or complete
responsibilities.
POOR BEHAVIORAL CONTROLS
- Expressions of irritability,
annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate
control of anger and temper; acting hastily.
PROMISCUOUS SEXUAL BEHAVIOR
- A variety of brief,
superficial relations, numerous affairs, and an indiscriminate selection of
sexual partners; the maintenance of several relationships at the same time; a
history of attempts to sexually coerce others into sexual activity or taking
great pride at discussing sexual exploits or conquests.
EARLY BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS
- A variety of behaviors prior to
age 13, including lying, theft, cheating, vandalism, bullying, sexual activity,
fire-setting, glue-sniffing, alcohol use, and running away from home.
LACK OF REALISTIC, LONG-TERM GOALS
- An inability or
persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals; a nomadic
existence, aimless, lacking direction in life.
IMPULSIVITY
- The occurrence of behaviors that are
unpremeditated and lack reflection or planning; inability to resist temptation,
frustrations, and urges; a lack of deliberation without considering the
consequences; foolhardy, rash, unpredictable, erratic, and reckless.
IRRESPONSIBILITY
- Repeated failure to fulfill or honor
obligations and commitments; such as not paying bills, defaulting on loans,
performing sloppy work, being absent or late to work, failing to honor
contractual agreements.
FAILURE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR OWN ACTIONS
- A
failure to accept responsibility for one's actions reflected in low
conscientiousness, an absence of dutifulness, antagonistic manipulation, denial
of responsibility, and an effort to manipulate others through this denial.
MANY SHORT-TERM MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS
- A lack of
commitment to a long-term relationship reflected in inconsistent, undependable,
and unreliable commitments in life, including marital.
JUVENILE DELINQUENCY
- Behavior problems between the ages
of 13-18; mostly behaviors that are crimes or clearly involve aspects of
antagonism, exploitation, aggression, manipulation, or a callous, ruthless
tough-mindedness.
REVOCATION OF CONDITION RELEASE
- A revocation of
probation or other conditional releases due to technical violations, such as
carelessness, low deliberation, or failing to appear.
CRIMINAL VERSATILITY
- A diversity of types of criminal
offenses, regardless if the person has been arrested or convicted for them;
taking great pride at getting away with crimes.The word psychopath can be
replaced with the word sociopath throughout this page. The meaning is very
similar, if not the same.
"... After reading Zari's book just once, i gradually felt that much needed shift - the chapter 'Tactics Of Emotional Warfare' details a list of characteristics of the Narcissistic personality ..."
This book is a desperately needed wake up call to NS men needing fluorescent illumination
in the middle of "gaslight" and other
" I really identified with the "role reversal" and truth that there are men that suffer under
a female N's tactics. The severity and persistence of the female N is exposed brilliantly in this
book.
Having Zari identify the male as a victim of the narcissist is crucial to helping men break
free of the craziness, while also helping men identify why they feel so stuck loving the woman
they have committed their souls to.
Also crucial, is the chapter that breaks out the difficulty
of "no contact" when children are involved. While many N relationships share much in common, the
male NS suffers under societies prescribed male strengths, and serves to undermine the ability
of men to overcome being trapped.
Society typically has the female's back, especially narcissistic
women, as they are often the victims of stereotypical males (in real life and fictional portrayals).
Kudos to the Author for helping unlock the chains of this forbidden subject. There are, not undeservedly,
many explicatives used in this book. I believe the strong words are appropo representations of
the years of suffering and pain inflicted by the narcissist on their supply.
The author's insights
will likely help release many NS men from their prison within.
Jack
on December 11, 2015 Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Need to get off the crazy train? This is your first stop!
" Guys, if your life is one gigantic roller coaster ride of being seduced, destroyed emotionally,
and then kicked to the curb when you say anything, then this is the place to start. If you're
looking at this review, then you know something in your relationship is slowly poisoning you to
death. It is NOT you! Wanna know why? Get the book!!!
Neal
on December 2, 2016 Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Worth The Read
" If you have any questions about the patterns in your relationship this will help. More research
on narcissism and manipulation will be needed, but it offers some good advice about seeing more
clearly the issues that might lie hidden in the shade.
Men under pain by narc women deserved to get a book like this.
" I was married to a narc women for several years, and we share a daughter. I thank Zari Ballard
for this excellent account of how narc females move around in society, mostly unknown to other
people, friends and relatives who judge them just as "weird" or "arrogant".
In my case, I felt
like a man who was for years playing on a stage and with a choreography designed by my ex wife.
Now, thanks to books like this one, I can stand aside and *understand* what went on, and what
is currently going on. As a victim, narcissism makes you crazy, the more you delve into it to
understand it, the more you get tangled in the lies, distorted views of reality, crazy nonsense
"dialogues", etc.
I spent years married with a woman with whom I had no real dialogue, without
noticing it.
If you are a man in distress, and you feel some woman makes you feel miserable, please
read this book to go deep into the causes of your pain. Thanks Zari for your book, thanks from
the many men that suffer the pain inflicted by narcissistic women.
PF
on December 5, 2016 Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
One of the best reads on Female Narcs out there
" This was an amazing read and helped me far more than even therapy. Zari has helped males
understand the Female Narc better than any of the myriad of books I have read on the subject.
Maxie
on May 17, 2015 Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
This is a must read if you've been on "Mr Toad's Wild Ride" with one of these psychopaths at
the helm!
" After being systematically brainwashed then discarded, I educated myself by reading everything
I could get my hands on regarding Narcissism and Narcissist abuse, specifically male victims of
these pathological parasites.
I found the content of this book very insightful, helpful, and matter-of-fact.
Zari does not claim to be a doctor, teacher, or therapist. However, she provides a great insight
for surviving this painful ordeal with proven methods of healing from a former victim's prospective.
" An extraordinary, concise, at times darkly humorous and sobering road map to help you on
your way out of the long dark tunnel designed by the female Narcissist. I had suffered for over
a year in this kind of 'relationship', and after the discard was left tortured by self doubt,
depression, and confusion.
After reading Zari's book just once, i gradually felt that much needed
shift - the chapter 'Tactics Of Emotional Warfare' details a list of characteristics of the Narcissistic
personality, which left me feeling as though i had been exorcised by a friendly priest, leaving
me without a shadow of doubt that this was not something i had imagined, nor could have done anything
about.
By the second reading, (the very next day) that brick wall of denial slowly began to crumble,
allowing the undeniable facts to speak for themselves, and sink in. It's easy to feel alone in
times like these, perhaps your friends or family may not completely understand your pain, but Zari does - and I believe this book is the only friend you will need to guide you on your way
back to sanity.
JMT
on March 3, 2016 Format: Kindle Edition Verified Purchase
Wow!!
" Amazing read. I've lived with a female narc for years and reading this made me fees as if
the writer was right there with me for MY story!
It's amazing how traumatic these people are.
Well written. I also really enjoyed another similar book "Surviving Sara" by Brian Morgan. Very
similar story and I can't help but few the pain these men went through.
Particular Characteristics of Female Sociopaths Vs Males
Incidence
How many female sociopaths are there? Robert Hare believes that about 1%
of the population fits the profile of psychopath, and male psychopaths are 7
times more common than female psychopaths.
But there are some things to keep in mind here. When most people think of
'sociopath' they typically think 'male' and 'serial killer'. They do not generally
think of women psychopaths. This can lead to a situation where they are dealing
with a psychopath in their life but do not realize who they are dealing with.
Add to this the fact that sociopaths have been called chameleons for their
ability to blend into society and it adds to the difficulty in counting them.
Plus, whether you consider it sexist or not, the female aspect needs to be
considered when talking about manipulation. Women have been known to 'bat their
eyelids' and show their cleavage or 'show a bit of leg', for example, to good
effect.
How female sociopaths show up in society
The most obvious group are the serial killers. And yes, there have been lots
of female serial killers as well as males!
Unlike the males however, there is usually not a sexual element to their
crimes. It's much more usual to be money or power related. And the female sociopaths
typically know their victims; it's rare for them to kill strangers. An interesting
group are the female sociopaths who become nurses or doctors. These cold-blooded
killers hide themselves where nobody would suspect them, in a caring profession!
And then they set to work. For example, Beverley Allitt, a 23-year-old nurse
in the UK killed 4 and attacked 9 other children within a couple of months before
she was caught. A Texas nurse Genene Jones is believed to have killed between
11 and 46. It's of this group that people usually say "But they seemed like
such nice people!"
Another subset are those who kill one or several husbands for the inheritance
and life assurance.
Obvious Delinquents
Some female sociopaths demonstrate antisocial behavior as children and as
adolescents. Lying, stealing, truancy, cruelty to animals and siblings, drug
abuse, early sexual activity. Of course, there may be frequent run-ins with
the law. Their parents are very often distraught because there is so little
they can do. As adults, these female sociopaths may end up abusing alcohol and
drugs and end up in and out of prison.
Some therapists believe that there is such a disregard for society among
them that a sociopath that has not broken the law just hasn't been found out
yet!
There seems to be two themes among female sociopaths that are not so prevalent
in male led groups, one being the avoidance of sex and the other being food.
The women psychopaths may target women who want to get away from sex for
whatever reason. Instead they offer female nurturing and support.
As well as offering meals when potential 'clients' have none, there are cults
based on eating healthily or losing weight. This is typical of cults, they offer
something people want but behind the outer facade is a second set of ideas or
principles. People enter for one thing and end up having the leader control
their lives.
Socialized sociopaths
These are the ones that are so difficult to count! Despite their
sociopath symptoms, they manage to integrate themselves into society to
varying degrees. Everything from solitary lives where they live on the money
they make from crimes for which they are not caught, to getting married, settling
down and having children.
It's interesting to read or listen to the stories of some of these female
sociopaths. Typically, they realize as children that they are different in some
way. They think differently and make different decisions. Then they begin to
understand that they are not so 'affected' by emotions. It's seems that it's
common for them to think that this is because they are smarter than those around
them.
They begin from an early age to look for clues to recognize the emotions
that others are actually having. They learn to mimic the emotions so as not
to stand out, or to please others. They learn to create relationships that are
beneficial for them.
Female sociopaths have all the symptoms of sociopaths. The lying, the parasitic
lifestyle, the need for excitement and the desire to control. It's possible
that there are many female sociopaths who live, for all intents and purposes,
what looks like a normal life from the outside. They are content to just blend
in and do what "normal" people do.
Others however, want more. More money, more power, more control, more excitement.
And they get themselves into trouble because of the impulsivity or the failure
to control their emotions, or the
irresponsibility.
One of the ways this shows up is in problems in their marriage. In true sociopath
style, they attract a man,
create an intimate relationship, influence his decision making and get married.
It's common for them to isolate the man from his friends and family to varying
degrees. They can be very domineering and controlling, using sex as a means
to manipulate. The man may suffer verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional
abuse and even physical abuse.
Had a bad experience?
Have you had a run-in with a sociopath? The more people know about these
demons the better!
Tell your story here
When there are children involved it gets infinitely more complicated. Especially
in separations and divorces. The female sociopaths have no difficulty (remember
no remorse, guilt or pity for anybody) in using the children as pawns or objects
to try to continue to manipulate the man.
They will extract information from the children about the father to use against
him, they will influence how and what the children think about the father, and
they may prevent the father from having any contact with the children. The welfare
of the children is not considered. What's important is that they continue to
maintain control and power.
In family matters where the police or the courts involved, they have no difficulty
in lying, inventing stories and doing whatever is necessary to get what they
want. They can play the victim role very well, as most sociopaths do, and will
use society's preferences towards women and mothers to their advantage.
Some female sociopaths simply go from one relationship to another. They use
their sociopathic charm, good looks and female wiles to create a relationship,
take what they want and then disappear, leaving a trail of brokenhearted and
confused men behind them. Men who are somewhat poorer after the experience!
This piece was originally written about a male but I think it works equally
well like this!
She will choose you, charm you with her words, and control you with this presence.
She will delight you with her wit and her plans. She will show you a good time,
but you will always get the bill. She will smile and deceive you, and she will
scare you with her eyes. And when she is through with you, and she will be through
with you, she will desert you and take with her your innocence and your pride.
You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will
wonder what you did wrong.
From an essay signed, "A psychopath in prison".
Testosterone
Apparently both male and female psychopaths have high levels of testosterone.
It has been found that in normal populations, higher levels of testosterone
are associated with higher sex drive, more sexual activity and more attractiveness
to the opposite sex.
This will make female sociopaths more appealing to males. Add to this the
lack of inhibition, and the grandiose sense of self and you have a lethal combination!
Think femme fatale!
It may also explain the lack of desire to have children and the failure to
look after them if they do. It's not uncommon for female sociopaths to leave
young children unattended, for example, because they have other more important
things to do.
How we perceive women
We normally think women are empathic and nurturing and don't expect to see
cold-hearted, uncaring, callous behaviors in women.
We don't consider that they could be more devious, manipulative, destructive,
vindictive and downright nasty than their male counterparts.
But just ask any man who has been a victim of female sociopaths...!
Just a reminder: like in any fashionable themes that are authors who try to
did gold out of it. This is one of the genre:. From comments: "As a training psychologist,
I was very disappointed with this memoir. I'm very interested in sociopathy and
from how this is written, it seems that Thomas is more likely to be a narcissist
than a sociopath. I don't think this book is an accurate account of sociopathy and
I'm questioning the formal diagnosis. Additionally, It seemed that Thomas kept repeating
the same points over and over, which made it very difficult to read at times. It
also was difficult due to my growing distaste for Thomas as an individual (mostly
due to her conceitedness - another reason I believe she's a narcissist). However,
I will give the book a few stars for being written well and keeping my attention
enough to at least finish the book."
Notable quotes:
"... I think everyone learns to lie about his or her emotions to a certain extent;
I just take it a step farther. People ask, "How are you?" and you respond, "fine,"
even though you had a fight with your spouse that morning, have a sick child, or
any multitude of things that make it hard for you to feel fine about almost anything
in your life. You could honestly answer the question, but you don't because overt
displays of strong emotion in ordinary social interactions are not accepted. Most
of the time I don't need to show any emotion at all, and I try to limit the times
that I do by begging off attending funerals, weddings, etc. When I do show up to
these functions, I try to mimic the other attendees. If I'm dealing with a person
one-on-one, I just try to reflect their emotions; usually they're distracted enough
by their own overflowing emotions not to notice my lack of them. ..."
"... The author goes into some detail in trying to distinguish psychopaths,
sociopaths, and person with anti-social personality disorder; but for the majority
of the world these distinctions are exercises in semantics only. ..."
"... I've dealt with sociopathic and psychopathic individuals, and they aren't
these brilliant, charming, care free people that this book would like you to believe.
I'm sorry, but she is not a sociopath. So she is full of herself and likes to toy
with the lives of others, apparently she has never met a high school aged girl.
If she had, she would see that she is stuck in her own adolescence. She truly wants
to believe that she is a sociopath because then she is not like the majority of
people. ..."
"... As she says, 1 in 25 people are statistically sociopaths. I'm guessing
she hasn't even verified those statistics. What sample size is it derived from?
Is the sample really indicative of the entire earth's population? ..."
"... I didn't learn anything from this book; it contains the usual suspects
in terms of how she defines herself, the kinds of things she does, etc. This book
was written for those who are not familiar with sociopathy, and since it's a pop
psych deal all over social media, the author is capitalizing; there are statements
in that book that seriously cast doubt on her claims, and others that pinpoint,
so it seems to be she did a lot of research to write this, rather than glean her
own experience. Considering her penchant to drone about her intelligence, her special
abilities, and her success, sociopaths lie, manipulate, and cheat to the nth degree;
this is what I'm getting from this; sociopaths are easily detectable, at least to
me; I think my discernment skills are far superior to those of the author. One star
for the subject, it is familial, and one star for the brazen ability to recognize
she cannot fool all, but can fool many. ..."
"... The females are less inclined to criminal behavior and better able to pretend
to empathy they don't possess, but they do not have the loyalty or empathy the rest
of us have, which means they cannot learn from their behavior the way the rest of
us can. ..."
"... I'm sorry to say, this book was a disappointment. It was a long, painful,
boring read. First of all, Ms. Thomas isn't a very good writer. Full of run-on sentences
and endless, dull descriptions of how great she thinks she is because she lacks
empathy and a conscience (she seems to think of these as traits only weak or stupid
people have, reminding me of Ayn Rand without an iota of the latter's intelligence),
Thomas comes off more as an obnoxious, self-centered, common narcissist than a true
sociopath. ..."
"... Thomas (who owns the website Sociopath World) is not a criminal. She may
well be sociopathic in that she seems to take pleasure in cheating, manipulating,
hurting, and discarding others, once gleefully watched a possum drown, and admits
she enjoys ruining the reputations of people she has worked with. She clearly has
no empathy and seems to have no emotions. ..."
"... M. E. Thomas is clearly a malignant narcissist, but by calling herself
a "sociopath" you feel like you've been the victim of a bait-and-switch (which is
in itself sociopathic, I suppose). ..."
"... The only reason I didn't feel completely ripped off was because the yard
sale copy of this book set me back only $1; if I'd purchased it at full price, I'd
be pretty annoyed right now. It was all I could do to even finish this book. It
was that boring. Don't waste your time. If you want to read a good book about sociopathy,
read Marsha Stout's The Sociopath Next Door instead. If you really need to read
something that comes "out of the horse's mouth," you'd do better with Sam Vaknin
..."
"... I so wish i hadn't wasted my money on this book. The writing was weak and
she often contradicts herself and i was utterly bored half way through. Her examples
of her sociopathic behaviour aren't very radical - provoking her father to anger
in teen years, taking a neighbors bike without permission and returning it (so naughty!),
following a man who angered her with murderous intent for a block or so until she
lost him. 300 pages of self-aggrandizing that comes across as juvenile and insecure.
Perhaps she is malicious and conniving and maybe even a sociopath whatever that
actually is (I am not a fan of the DSM), but ultimately its not that interesting,
definitely not enlightening. ..."
As M.E. Thomas says of her fellow sociopaths, "We are your neighbors, your
coworkers, and quite possibly the people closest to you: lovers, family, friends.
Our risk-seeking behavior and general fearlessness are thrilling, our glibness
and charm alluring. Our often quick wit and outside-the-box thinking make us
appear intelligent-even brilliant. We climb the corporate ladder faster than
the rest, and appear to have limitless self-confidence. Who are we? We are highly
successful, noncriminal sociopaths and we comprise 4 percent of the American
population."
Confessions of a Sociopath -part confessional memoir, part primer
for the curious-takes readers on a journey into the mind of a sociopath, revealing
what makes them tick while debunking myths about sociopathy and offering a road
map for dealing with the sociopaths in your life. M. E. Thomas draws from her
own experiences as a diagnosed sociopath; her popular blog, Sociopathworld.com;
and scientific literature to unveil for the very first time these men and women
who are "hiding in plain sight."
Q&A with M. E. Thomas
Q. Were you always aware that you were different?
A. Yes, though when I was young, I thought maybe it was just because I was
smarter than everyone else. I saw things that other children did not see, was
aware of the adult world in a way that even my smart siblings were not-awkward
interactions from the end of an affair, why my grandpa treated my dad differently
from his other children (he was adopted), and so on. I knew other people did
not see these things because I would reference them and get blank stares in
return. I learned to keep things to myself, even to pretend I didn't see them.
Those were probably some of my first attempts to wear a mask of normalcy.
Q. What are the common characteristics/behaviors shared by most sociopaths?
Do they describe you, too?
A. Lack of remorse or concern for hurting or stealing; being deceitful, manipulative,
impulsive, irritable, aggressive, and consistently irresponsible; failure to
conform to social norms; and being unconcerned about people's safety, including
their own. You need to have at least three of these to be a sociopath. I have
them all, to varying degrees.
Q. You believe that sociopaths have a natural competitive advantage.
Why?
A. Sociopaths have several skills that lend themselves to success in areas
such as politics and business: charm, an ability to see and exploit weaknesses/flaws
(which in politics is called "power-broking" and in business, "arbitrage"),
confidence, unflagging optimism, an ability to think outside the box and come
up with original ideas, and a lack of squeamishness about doing what it takes
to get ahead.
Q. If you don't have a sense of morality, or feel the emotions that
most people do, how are you able to operate in the world without being detected?
A. I think everyone learns to lie about his or her emotions to a certain
extent; I just take it a step farther. People ask, "How are you?" and you respond,
"fine," even though you had a fight with your spouse that morning, have a sick
child, or any multitude of things that make it hard for you to feel fine about
almost anything in your life. You could honestly answer the question, but you
don't because overt displays of strong emotion in ordinary social interactions
are not accepted. Most of the time I don't need to show any emotion at all,
and I try to limit the times that I do by begging off attending funerals, weddings,
etc. When I do show up to these functions, I try to mimic the other attendees.
If I'm dealing with a person one-on-one, I just try to reflect their emotions;
usually they're distracted enough by their own overflowing emotions not to notice
my lack of them.
Q. Research shows that one in twenty-five people is a sociopath,
yet most of us believe we've never met one. Are we just kidding ourselves? Are
you able to spot them?
A. Statistically, everyone has met at least one sociopath; in fact, most
people will have a close encounter with a sociopath at some point in their lives,
either as a friend, family member, or lover. Sometimes I can tell who they are.
I find that many successful sociopaths will leave deliberate clues as to what
they are, the thought being that only other sociopaths would recognize them.
I think sociopaths, like serial killers, often have a yearning to be acknowledged
for who they are. They want people to admire their exploits, and that is hard
to get when they are completely hidden, so they make small compromises.
As a training psychologist, I was very disappointed with this memoir. I'm
very interested in sociopathy and from how this is written, it seems that
Thomas is more likely to be a narcissist than a sociopath. I don't think
this book is an accurate account of sociopathy and I'm questioning the formal
diagnosis. Additionally, It seemed that Thomas kept repeating the same points
over and over, which made it very difficult to read at times. It also was
difficult due to my growing distaste for Thomas as an individual (mostly
due to her conceitedness - another reason I believe she's a narcissist).
However, I will give the book a few stars for being written well and keeping
my attention enough to at least finish the book.
At least she is coming out to all but her family. This is written as
a confessional/memoir of its author Monica E. Thomas,a pseudonym, necessitated
by the subject matter and to protect her present socioeconomic life.
Having just read the reviews written before mine, it would seem I am
the first to have actually read the entire book, well, at least, so far.
I would agree with the other reviewers that the book is technically well
written, but does get long in the tooth by the half way mark, with many
points being repeated several times which lengthened the book with no apparent
advantage that I could ascertain; otherwise I would have given 4 stars.
I would agree that the author as self described is unlikeable, but whom
I found very interesting simply because I am a retired psychologist and
spent the last ten years working with female murderers. The author goes
into some detail in trying to distinguish psychopaths, sociopaths, and person
with anti-social personality disorder; but for the majority of the world
these distinctions are exercises in semantics only.
To help clarify this point, as the author takes some time discussing
her rational for the distinction. A psychiatrist, Hervey Clecky wrote the
magnum opus on psychopathology in 1941 in a book called MASK OF SANITY;
he might be better known to you for his book on multiple personality disorder
which was turned into a movie in 1957 called THE THREE FACES OF EVE.
A Dr. Robert Hare building upon Clecky's work devised a 20 question scale
to judge antisocial personality disorder. He only used convicts to base
his results on, so it is not representative of the general population and
certainly doesn't have the background of the MMPI. Hare felt that there
were differences between people who committed violent and aggressive act
and those who did not. He felt that the aggressive ones should be considered
to have ASPD and the others would simply be called sociopaths. The term
psychopaths had fallen out of favor.
However, much of the world still considered all three terms to be interchangeable,
and if you look up psycho/sociopath in the APA Dictionary it will refer
you to Antisocial Personality Disorder. The author particularly chose to
make this distinction to differentiate her disorder from those with the
more severe form. Basically the author feels that being diagnosed as a sociopath
doesn't mean you are bad, but simply that you don't act in socially approved
manner unless it benefits the actor.
At one point the author describes her entire dysfunctional family and
wonders if she might have turned out differently if raised in a different
environment. You know, the argument of nature versus nurture.
1.0 out of 5 stars By
N@t@ni on September 12, 2013 Format: Hardcover
Yawn M. E. is a self serving, arrogant and shallow author... her
memoir does not show any insights by carefully and thoughtfully analyzing
one's life and behavior. Her memoir is simply a regurgitation of already
published data, and boring stories to relate to such data and to rationalize
poor behavior. She has to hit us over the head about how brilliant she is,
and how successful she is, and how much better she is because she is a sociopath,
when one wonders if she is just an arrogant and unlikable person. If she
demonstrates a typical non-dangerous sociopath, we don't really need to
read a book about it, we see it every day and just avoid such people. She
talks about power struggles in the most inane and trite situations possible,
reeking of low self esteem. She makes gross generalizations about "empaths",
which are generally overstated and wrong. This memoir at best, reads like
a narcissist's journal entry/book report and at worst, just a terribly boring
book.
1.0 out of 5 stars
By
Dr. Charles Finley on September 26, 2013 Format: Hardcover
Pointless Endeavor I was going to give this book two stars simply
because it was written better than some of the garbage available today such
as 50 shades of anything, yet cannot because the content is monotonous trash.
I would never recommend this book to anyone. It is certainly a work of fiction
and the author is even more boring than she is self absorbed. The author
doesn't display the true traits of a sociopath. She sounds more narcissistic
than anything else. She contradicts herself numerous times throughout the
book alluding to why she isn't really a sociopath. It's amusing that sociopaths
and psychopaths are being glamorized these days as if they don't have a
disorder and they are instead instilled with super human powers.
I've dealt with sociopathic and psychopathic individuals, and they
aren't these brilliant, charming, care free people that this book would
like you to believe. I'm sorry, but she is not a sociopath. So she is full
of herself and likes to toy with the lives of others, apparently she has
never met a high school aged girl. If she had, she would see that she is
stuck in her own adolescence. She truly wants to believe that she is a sociopath
because then she is not like the majority of people.
As she says, 1 in 25 people are statistically sociopaths. I'm guessing
she hasn't even verified those statistics. What sample size is it derived
from? Is the sample really indicative of the entire earth's population?
I only ask these questions because I am sure that she hasn't despite her
self-proclaimed brilliance. Getting fired from a law firm and teaching at
a 4th tier law school doesn't make you a model of success. Even Dr. Phil
could see through miss JRL's ploy for fame. Sorry M.E. Thomas but you aren't
special, unique, or different than everyone else. We all have these same
feelings. Your actions are driven by the very insecurities that you claim
you don't have. Welcome to the real world.
I thought this book is interesting. I purchased it because recently I
had a bad experience befriending someone who I believe is a sociopath. This
friend eerily has every trait of one. I trusted this person. He was charming,
witty and a sponge. He is a fifty year old man who hasn't worked since his
early twenties. He lies a lot and quite a master at it. But I didn't realize
this until later after I was allowing him to use my internet/ WiFi for free
for well over a year. I found myself paying for his bills and feeding him
and even giving him the use of my new car. This guy didn't have anything
and had an excuse for everything. I began to open my eyes and see that his
friendships were solely based on merits of what they offered him. They were
merely vehicles to get what he needed. After he started making comments
to me that when I die, he was going to grab up all my possessions before
my daughter had chance, red flags started going off in my head. He claimed
he was teasing, but a tease is the truth behind a smile. He liked talking
a lot about my death and harped on my material things. He became possessive
of my things as if it was his. He even tried to control my spending. I might
add, we were never more than friends and we never shared the same dwelling.
Finally after catching him in several lies, I dropped our friendship. That's
when he underhandedly took my personal information and gave it out over
social media to hurt my business.
His grandiose arrogance I think is his weakness, though, he doesn't see
it that way. His arrogance blinded him into to believing that I couldn't
connect the dots. That's when I started looking further into personality
disorders. I honestly believe he is a sociopath.
All his friendships are superficial. He only becomes friends with those
who can benefit his needs. He's a pathological liar. He will steal from
you and take whatever he wants and is very aggressive and feels he is entitled.
He is charming and smart and loves to brag about his intelligence. He snarls
his nose at his friends, thinking he is far superior. Even though he doesn't
have a job and is dependent of others' financial support. I sit in my house
everyday feeling like a prisoner. He knows when I'm home and when I leave.
He watches me like a hawk. He's a collector of information of his neighbors.
He studies people and pits out his next victim.
This book helped me to understand the mind of the sociopath. However,
I don't agree entirely with the writer's view on empaths. She boast that
empaths bring havoc to the business world because they allow their emotions
to get in the way of decision making.
First, I'd like to say that most sociopaths do not function well in this
world. They are cunning, underachievers, narcissist, unable to hold down
any kind of job, yet they have this since of value that their opinion and
intelligence far exceeds anyone else even though they have never kept even
the most mundane jobs for more than a few short mouths. Instead of focusing
on a career, they use all their energy into manipulating their victims.
They can be violent but they are all a predator and can't be trusted.
I believe a sociopath's spurious confidence blinds them, keeping them from
seeing the true reality. The reality is that a person or empath, has great
leader ability. They are able to understand the heart of this country and
will take in consideration that their decision making is not based on selfish
motivation but based on heart and endeavor to help others rise above the
occasion. Empaths are the ones who make this country. And yes, I am an empath
and I am proud to be one!
I gave the writer a three star. I feel that's a fair mark. It's sort
of hard to reward someone who's character is questionable.
I didn't learn anything from this book; it contains the usual suspects
in terms of how she defines herself, the kinds of things she does, etc.
This book was written for those who are not familiar with sociopathy, and
since it's a pop psych deal all over social media, the author is capitalizing;
there are statements in that book that seriously cast doubt on her claims,
and others that pinpoint, so it seems to be she did a lot of research to
write this, rather than glean her own experience. Considering her penchant
to drone about her intelligence, her special abilities, and her success,
sociopaths lie, manipulate, and cheat to the nth degree; this is what I'm
getting from this; sociopaths are easily detectable, at least to me; I think
my discernment skills are far superior to those of the author. One star
for the subject, it is familial, and one star for the brazen ability to
recognize she cannot fool all, but can fool many.
A reviewer describes this person as a malignant narcissist which would
be an apt description for a layperson to make, but having been married to
a very intelligent sociopath for nearly ten years, and currently having
one as a mother-in-law, I can claim that without doubt that the lack of
conscious marks a sociopath as a sociopath. The females are less inclined to criminal behavior and better able to
pretend to empathy they don't possess, but they do not have the loyalty
or empathy the rest of us have, which means they cannot learn from their
behavior the way the rest of us can.
My mother-in-law knows something is missing but she doesn't know what
that is, not having the education to tell her. She can pretend to be a kind
old lady, but she very quickly loses patience with this effort and has alienated
everyone who has has dealt with her for any length of time at all. She is,
at heart, mean, nasty and cold. I do not think she has the capacity to be
different or be kind.
She is nearly a century of age and cannot learn differently. People are
agast to see her coming because they have never been around someone so narrowly
selfish, self-serving and manipulative. They try to be kind and professional
in dealing with her, and being a sociopath, she is unaware of genuine feelings,
and believes they actually like her.
These people are out there, in droves, and dealing with one is like nothing
else one would ever experience. When I saw this side of my ex-husband I
was shocked to the core and felt like I'd been unknowingly married to an
insect for years!
His mother was glad I divorced him, and while she loves him, has no illusions
about what her son is. That takes courage and keen insight.
A couple of weeks ago I went to a yard sale and a book caught my eye,
because of its subject matter–a copy of M. E. Thomas' autobiography, Confessions
of a Sociopath: a Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight.
Ever-fascinated with all things Cluster B, including first-person accounts
by narcissists, psychopaths and other antisocial types, I got busy reading
that same evening. It took me two weeks to finish the book, when normally
I'd devour a book of this length and subject matter in just a few days.
I'm sorry to say, this book was a disappointment. It was a long,
painful, boring read. First of all, Ms. Thomas isn't a very good writer.
Full of run-on sentences and endless, dull descriptions of how great she
thinks she is because she lacks empathy and a conscience (she seems to think
of these as traits only weak or stupid people have, reminding me of Ayn
Rand without an iota of the latter's intelligence), Thomas comes off more
as an obnoxious, self-centered, common narcissist than a true sociopath.
Thomas (who owns the website Sociopath World) is not a criminal.
She may well be sociopathic in that she seems to take pleasure in cheating,
manipulating, hurting, and discarding others, once gleefully watched a possum
drown, and admits she enjoys ruining the reputations of people she has worked
with. She clearly has no empathy and seems to have no emotions.
She crows on endlessly about how her lack of a conscience or any empathy
has freed her from having to worry about what others think and therefore
indicates what she thinks of as her superior intellect. But like the narcissist
she really is, she overvalues her achievements and intelligence. She works
as an attorney but doesn't seem to be able to stay employed for long, and
really doesn't have any other impressive achievements under her belt. Her
"theories" about sociopathy are nothing more than rehashes of what other
people have already described in psychology texts, and less readable than
theirs. Overall, Thomas comes off as self-congratulating, obnoxious, unlikeable,
and very shallow. She also comes off as rather dumb.
M. E. Thomas is clearly a malignant narcissist, but by calling herself
a "sociopath" you feel like you've been the victim of a bait-and-switch
(which is in itself sociopathic, I suppose). The cover of the book
is a picture of a sinister female mask on a white background, and you open
the book expecting something more than you actually get, at least some sort
of depth or insight into her own behavior. But Thomas has no real insight
and the book reads more like a resume of her fake "achievements" than a
psychological memoir. She talks about her family, who she describes as neglectful,
but she doesn't seem to think they were particularly abusive. She takes
arrogant pride in her "sociopathy," repeating the word again and again throughout
the text, as if to drive home the fact that she really is one, when it seems
that she "protesteth too much" and underneath all that bluster, suspects
she may not be one. That kind of insecurity over the possibility of not
really being what one says they are is a lot more typical of NPD than psychopathy
or sociopathy, who don't care what others think of them. Thomas also talks
about wanting to have a family and her religion (Mormonism) a lot. Maybe
her religion keeps her from acting out against others in more heinous ways
and gives her a sort of "cold" conscience, but I sure hope God doesn't let
her have children. She doesn't seem capable of maintaining a relationship,
so that doesn't exactly work in her favor.
Although narcissists are thought of as having no emotions, it isn't really
true that they don't, and there are narcissists and sociopaths who have
been able to write about themselves in an emotionally engaging, albeit dark
and depressing, way. There is rage and hurt seething behind the surface
of their words. But Thomas writes in a cold, emotionless way, probably because
she's such a bad writer. As a result, you feel about as excited reading
her "memoir" as you'd feel reading the most boring high school textbook–and
learn a whole lot less.
The only reason I didn't feel completely ripped off was because the
yard sale copy of this book set me back only $1; if I'd purchased it at
full price, I'd be pretty annoyed right now. It was all I could do to even
finish this book. It was that boring. Don't waste your time. If you want
to read a good book about sociopathy, read Marsha Stout's The Sociopath
Next Door instead. If you really need to read something that comes "out
of the horse's mouth," you'd do better with Sam Vaknin. [...]
I so wish i hadn't wasted my money on this book. The writing was
weak and she often contradicts herself and i was utterly bored half way
through. Her examples of her sociopathic behaviour aren't very radical -
provoking her father to anger in teen years, taking a neighbors bike without
permission and returning it (so naughty!), following a man who angered her
with murderous intent for a block or so until she lost him. 300 pages of
self-aggrandizing that comes across as juvenile and insecure. Perhaps she
is malicious and conniving and maybe even a sociopath whatever that actually
is (I am not a fan of the DSM), but ultimately its not that interesting,
definitely not enlightening.
This was a super-fast, easy, entertaining read, but it reminded me of
the glib answer to the interview question "what's your weakness?" : "I'm
a perfectionist." The author is undoubtedly bright, although probably not
nearly as "brilliant" as she avows on every page. By structuring her personal
& professional life to avoid any long-term serious human interaction or
competition, she intentionally insulates herself from any real challenges
to her thinking or persona. For instance, by bragging that her starting
salary as a new lawyer was 170k, she dates herself precisely to the "fattest"
7 years the legal profession has ever had. She did not land that job because
she was so brilliant, but because law firms during that period were hiring
any carbon-based life form. Also, her assessment that sociopaths are "too
rational" (i.e., not guided by emotion or constrained by herd mentality/morality)
gets it diametrically wrong. Those sociopaths who either turn criminal (&
are found out) or carve out less "successful" lives actually suffer from
too LITTLE rational thinking, analysis, and sober calculation, not too much.
This is likely correlated to their own inflated ego/self-assessment (as
this author exemplifies), or imperviousness/reduced sensitivity to pain/negative
consequences, and it leads to failure to accurately assess/predict the negative
consequences of their actions, from underestimating the likelihood of getting
"caught" to not being able to sustain any romantic relationship longer than
the author's case of 8 months. Thus I think it is not "too much logic" that
is the root of the problem (but merely its outside manifestation), but bad
math, which is rather ironic for someone who envisions/imagines herself
to be a brilliant differential engine unhampered by bloody wet emotion.
What perpetuates both the sociopathological & narcissistic self-perspective
(which, incidentally, is far more common and far more adaptive than the
author thinks) is the carefully constructed bubble of invincibility these
people construct around themselves, often choosing to rise no higher than
the pond in which they assure themselves they are the biggest or flashiest
fish. It is easy to imagine yourself King of the Jungle when you surround
yourself with declawed kittens. Nonetheless, interesting breezy read, although
the book would have better without the utterly banal and transparently false
hand-wringing/crocodile tears of the Epilogue.
Witness the rise of the female sociopath. Cruel, calculating and calm under
pressure; these emotionally detached women are in our lives, on our television
screens and with the release of Gillian Flynn's
Gone Girl this weekend, making waves in our
cinemas. Sociopaths can be charming, funny and even practised at appearing
sympathetic. In fact, one per cent of all women are sociopaths. To put that
in context, one to two per cent of the population has red hair. It's likely
that you know one, and it's even possible that you are one. Take this test
to find out if you are in the emotionally detached one per cent. To take
the quiz on your phone:
click here.
Shrink4Men: Helping men break free from abusive relationships since
2009
... ... ...
What are the characteristics of a sociopath?
Psychologists
Hervey Cleckley and Robert
Hare both developed sociopathy checklists. The following characteristics
are culled from their work.
Sociopaths have Jekyll and Hyde personalities and can be superficially charming.
Their outward appearance is often very conventional or they disguise themselves
as helpless victims. Alternately, sociopaths may come across as grandiose and
narcissistic. Sociopaths come in all shapes, sizes, sexes, ethnicities and walks
of life.
Sociopaths seem to have contempt for their victim's feelings and believe
their victims deserve to be hurt, taken advantage of and exploited. They have
no empathy or very selective empathy (e.g., your wife shows empathy toward someone
who hurts or bullies you). They lie, cheat, manipulate, and/or verbally and/or
physically intimidate others to get their way or to "win." To a sociopath, the
ends justify the means.
Sociopaths may refuse to recognize that others have rights and believe they're
entitled to violate the rights of others. In fact, they often try to control
and humiliate their victims. They see people as objects and value others based
upon their utility and ease of exploitation rather than fellow human beings.
People are either targets and opportunities for exploitation. They don't have
friends, but rather victims and accomplices who later become victims.
Sociopaths often have a gross and exaggerated sense of entitlement. They
seem incapable of true love relationships and often confuse love with ability
to control and exploit someone. They are unable to form healthy attachments
with others.
Sociopaths seem to be able to lie very easily. You can have a video or audio
recording of them perpetrating a crime or some abusive act and they will still
pee on your leg and tell you it's raining. They often believe their own lies
and may even be able to pass a polygraph. They seem to lack the capacity for
remorse or guilt. For example, many of my clients are more likely to squeeze
blood from a stone than to receive a sincere apology from their wives, girlfriends
or exes.
When sociopaths seem to be expressing positive feelings it is typically because
they are mimicking others to appear socially and psychologically normal. For
example, a man on the Shrink4Men forum found a note his wife wrote to herself
reminding herself to act nice and to pretend to be interested in her husband's
day in order to get something she wanted from him. Warm and loving behavior
may be a manipulation in order to be better able to exploit their victims. For
example, they pull you close to be able to get a better swing at you – emotionally
or physically.
Sociopaths have a need for extreme stimulation in order to feel emotion and
are prone to feeling chronically bored. Some may resort to physical violence,
gambling, drugs and alcohol, and/or promiscuity; while others create unnecessary
conflict and drama for stimulation.
Sociopaths blame others for their bad behaviors and do not take personal
responsibility for their actions. At their core, they are filled with rage,
which is often split off and projected onto their victims. Sociopaths have poor
behavioral and emotional controls and can be impulsive. They often alternate
rage and abuse with small expressions of love and approval to keep their victims
under their control.
Sociopaths lack boundaries and do not care how their behavior affects others.
They may become enraged and/or desperate when their victims try to enforce boundaries
on their abusive behaviors. They have difficulty maintaining friendships, and,
is it any wonder given how they treat others?
They typically end relationships and/or try destroying former friends who
have seen behind their masks. Some may have long-term friendships, but they
either seem to be long-distance or friendships with incredibly damaged individuals
with low self-esteem who admire the sociopath, i.e., sycophants.
Some may have a history of childhood emotional and behavioral disturbances
while others do not. Some sociopathic individuals come from otherwise healthy
and loving families.
Sociopaths are often irresponsible and unreliable. They have a history of
breaking promises yet become enraged and vengeful if they believe someone has
broken a promise to them. They have unrealistic life plans and often live beyond
their means. Many live what can be described as a parasitic life in that they
get through life by exploiting others.
Sociopaths may have diffuse identities. Many dramatically change their appearance
or outward persona in order to exploit new victims or to avoid punishment. For
example, when many of my clients met their wives and girlfriends, they feigned
similar interests, beliefs, etc., and pretended to be someone they weren't in
order to secure the relationship.
Sociopaths are ungrateful and contemptuous of people who try to help and
understand them. Oftentimes, they do not believe anything is wrong with them,
which is why therapy rarely works. If they acknowledge a problem, they usually
blame others for it. Or, if they are formally diagnosed with a mental illness
or other personality disorder, they may use their diagnosis to absolve them
of their abusive behaviors.
Sociopaths typically do not trust others. They can be authoritarian, paranoid
and secretive. They seek relationships with others who will accept, tolerate,
condone or admire their bad behavior. They like nothing better than to have
a willing victim.
Sociopaths often try to control every aspect of their victims' lives. They
can be pretty territorial about their victims, which their victims often confuse
with love and jealousy. It's not about love. You're their half-dead mouse and
they don't want any other predators messing with "their property." A good example
of this is when a woman becomes unhinged when her ex begins dating or gets remarried
- especially if she's already moved onto to another victim, er, I mean,
relationship .
Lastly, and I think this characteristic will resonate with many of you, sociopaths
have an emotional need to justify their crimes and demand that their victims
show them gratitude, love and respect. In other words:
Sociopaths expect that their victims show gratitude for being victimized
by them.
In a few days, I will post the second part of Rethinking Female Sociopathy
, so please check back.
"... "She will choose you, charm you with her words, and control you with her
presence. She will delight you with her wit and her plans. She will show you a good
time, but you will always get the bill. She will smile and deceive you, and she
will scare you with her eyes. And when she is through with you, and she will be
through with you, she will desert you and take with her your innocence and your
pride. You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you
will wonder what you did wrong." ..."
"... Most of us think of women as sensitive and nurturing. We don't expect to
see uncaring, cold-hearted, callous behaviors in women. It's hard to imagine them
being more conniving, controlling, destructive, malicious and downright mean than
the male sociopath. ..."
Female sociopaths display all the symptoms of a sociopath: lying, a parasitic
lifestyle, the need for control, and the craving for excitement. Many live
what looks like a typical life from the outside, content with blending in
and doing what "normal" people do.
Others need more... more money, more control, more power, more excitement.
They often get into trouble as they become impulsive, unable to control
their emotions and behaving irresponsibly.
These behaviors often bring problems witin their marriage. Showing true
sociopath style, they entice a man, create an intimate relationship, manipulate
his decisions, and get married. They may try to isolate the man from his
family and friends. They become bossy and controlling and will use sex as
a tool to manipulate. The man is often subjected to emotional, verbal, psychological,
and physical abuse.
If there are children of the marriage, it becomes ever more difficult.
If there is a separation or divorce, the sociopath will easily use the children
as pawns or objects as a way to continue to control the man.
They will not hesitate to obtain information from the children to use
against their father, will lie to brainwash them into thinking Daddy is
"bad" and will keep the father from having contact with them. They do this
to keep their power and control and the wellbeing of the children is never
a concern.
Female sociopaths have no problem lying, making up stories and doing
whatever is necessary to get what they want. This works well in family matters
where police or courts are involved. They are very convincing when playing
the victim, and use society's favoritism towards women and mothers to their
full advantage.
Many female sociopaths go from one relationship to another. They use
their sociopathic charm, good looks and female allures to build a relationship,
take what they want, and disappear. Men are disposable! They leave behind
a trail of broken hearts and baffled men, many who are poorer after the
experience!
The writing below was cited from "Decision Making Confidence"
"She will choose you, charm you with her words, and control you with
her presence. She will delight you with her wit and her plans. She will
show you a good time, but you will always get the bill. She will smile and
deceive you, and she will scare you with her eyes. And when she is through
with you, and she will be through with you, she will desert
you and take with her your innocence and your pride. You will be left much
sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what you
did wrong."
Most of us think of women as sensitive and nurturing. We don't expect
to see uncaring, cold-hearted, callous behaviors in women. It's hard to
imagine them being more conniving, controlling, destructive, malicious and
downright mean than the male sociopath.
However, just ask any man who has been a victim of a female sociopath...
If you're a man in an abusive relationship, it's important to know that
you're not alone. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life.
Figures suggest that as many as one in three victims of domestic violence
are male. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse by women because
they feel embarrassed, or they fear they won't be believed, or worse, that
police will assume that since they're male they are the perpetrator of the
violence and not the victim.
An abusive wife or partner may hit, kick, bite, punch, spit, throw things,
or destroy your possessions. To make up for any difference in strength,
she may attack you while you're asleep or otherwise catch you by surprise.
She may also use a weapon, such as a gun or knife, or strike you with an
object, abuse or threaten your children, or harm your pets. Of course, domestic
abuse is not limited to violence.
Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological
impact on both you and your children. The first step to stopping the abuse
is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust,
or call a domestic violence helpline.
Admitting the problem and seeking help doesn't mean you have failed as
a man or as a husband. You are not to blame, and you are not weak. As well
as offering a sense of relief and providing some much needed support, sharing
details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against
your abuser and protecting your kids.
When dealing with your abusive partner:
Leave if possible. Be aware of any signs that may
trigger a violent response from your spouse or partner and be ready
to leave quickly. If you need to stay to protect your children, call
the emergency services. The police have an obligation to protect you
and your children, just as they do a female victim.
Never retaliate. An abusive woman or partner will
often try to provoke you into retaliating or using force to escape the
situation. If you do retaliate, you'll almost certainly be the one who
is arrested and/or removed from your home.
Get evidence of the abuse. Report all incidents
to the police and get a copy of each police report. Keep a journal of
all abuse with a clear record of dates, times, and any witnesses. Include
a photographic record of your injuries and make sure your doctor or
hospital also documents your injuries. Remember, medical personnel are
unlikely to ask if a man has been a victim of domestic violence, so
it's up to you to ensure the cause of your injuries are documented.
Keep a mobile phone, evidence of the abuse, and other important
documents close at hand. If you and your children have to leave
instantly in order to escape the abuse, you'll need to take with you
evidence of the abuse and important documents, such as passport and
driver's license. It may be safer to keep these items outside of the
home.
Obtain advice from a domestic violence program
or legal aid resource about getting a restraining order or order of
protection against your spouse and, if necessary, seeking temporary
custody of your children.
Help for abused men: Moving on from an abusive relationship
Support from family and friends as well as counseling, therapy, and support
groups for domestic abuse survivors can help you move on from an abusive
relationship. You or your children may struggle with upsetting emotions
or feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. After the
trauma of an abusive relationship, it can take a while to get over the pain
and bad memories but you can heal and move on.
Even if you're eager to jump into a new relationship and finally get
the intimacy and support you've been missing, it's wise take things slowly.
Make sure you're aware of any red flag behaviors in a potential new partner
and what it takes to build healthy, new relationships.
In the U.S. and Canada: Call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at
1-888-799-7233
"... Unlike these women, the functional sociopath isn't "dismissible" as a slave to her emotions. She is not outwardly violent. Patently remorseless, clear-eyed and calculating, she is chameleonic in the extreme, donning one feigned feeling after another (interest, concern, sympathy, simpering insecurity, confidence, arrogance, lust, even love) to get what she wants. ..."
"... "You might call it seduction," she suggests, but really "it's called arbitrage and it happens on Wall Street (and a lot of other places) every day." Whatever you choose to call it, its appeal is undeniable when linked to the professional and personal advancement of women. "In general, the women in my life seemed like they were never acting, always being acted upon," Thomas laments. ..."
"... With it, researchers over the last decade have estimated that sociopaths comprise three to four percent of the U.S. population, or roughly 10 million people who regularly demonstrate a lack of empathy, a conniving and ruthless attitude towards interpersonal relationships, and immunity to experiencing negative emotions. A mere 1.5 million of them are women. ..."
...Gone Girl, one of the most popular and addictive novels of the past decade, as Amy Dunne
- the beguiling and cerebral housewife who stages her own murder and frames her philandering husband.
Amy's creator, the novelist Gillian Flynn, has
proudly described her character as a "functioning sociopath," which she is quick to distinguish
from "the iconic psycho bitch." The iconic psycho bitch, Flynn explains, is crazy because "her lady
parts have gone crazy." Think of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, so consumed with desire
for Michael Douglas that she boils his daughter's pet rabbit to death; think of Sharon Stone and
Jennifer Jason Leigh (and Kathy Bates and Rebecca De Mornay) chasing men through dim rooms with sharp
objects.
Unlike these women, the functional sociopath isn't "dismissible" as a slave to her emotions. She
is not outwardly violent. Patently remorseless, clear-eyed and calculating, she is chameleonic in
the extreme, donning one feigned feeling after another (interest, concern, sympathy, simpering insecurity,
confidence, arrogance, lust, even love) to get what she wants.
And why should she feel bad about it?
For M.E. Thomas, author of Confessions of A Sociopath, such affective maneuvers are tantamount
to "fulfilling an exchange." "You might call it seduction," she suggests, but really "it's called
arbitrage and it happens on Wall Street (and a lot of other places) every day." Whatever you choose
to call it, its appeal is undeniable when linked to the professional and personal advancement of
women. "In general, the women in my life seemed like they were never acting, always being acted upon,"
Thomas laments.
Sociopathy's silver lining was that it gave her a way to combat that injustice, in
the boardroom of the corporate law firm she worked for in Los Angeles, but also in the bedroom, where
she marveled at how her emotional detachment let her commandeer her lovers' hearts and minds. Somewhere
along the way, pathology became recoded as practice - a set of rules for how to manage the self and
others.
She is the apotheosis of the cool girl power that go-getter "feminists" have peddled to frustrated
women over the last half-decade.
No wonder the female sociopath cuts such an admirable figure. Intensely romantic, professionally
desirable, she is the stuff of fiction, fantasy, and aspirational reading. And while actual female
sociopaths like Thomas are rare, and sociopathy isn't even recognized by the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the female sociopath looms large in our cultural imagination. Amy
Dunne may stand as the perfect example - a "Cool Girl" on the outside, ice cold within - but she
is not alone. Of late, she has faced stiff competition from fictional females like Lisbeth Salander,
the ferocious tech genius in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, or Laura, the shape-shifting
alien who preys on unwitting men in Under the Skin. Network television has been even kinder
to the female sociopath, placing her at the center of workplace dramas like Damages, Revenge,
Bones, The Fall, Rizzoli and Isles, Person of Interest, Luther,
and 24. Here, she has mesmerized audiences with how nimbly she scales the professional ladder,
her competence and sex appeal whetted by her dark, aggressive, risk-taking behavior, and lack of
empathy.
And so we lean in to the cultural logic of the female sociopath, for she is the apotheosis of
the cool girl power that go-getter "feminists" have peddled to frustrated women over the last half-decade.
The female sociopath doesn't want to upend systems of gender inequality, that vast and irreducible
constellation of institutions and beliefs that lead successful women like Gillian Flynn to decree
that certain women, who feel or behave in certain ways, are "dismissible." The female sociopath wants
to dominate these systems from within, as the most streamlined product of a world in which well-intentioned
people blithely invoke words like arbitrage, leverage, capital, and currency to appraise how successfully
we inhabit our bodies, our selves. One could easily imagine the female sociopath devouring books
with titles like Bo$$ Bitch, Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office, The Confidence
Gap, and Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman to hone her craft - to learn how to
have it all. From atop the corporate ladder, she can applaud her liberation from the whole messy
business of feeling as a step forward for women, when it's really a step back.
The result is a self-defeating spectacle of feminism that finds a kindred spirit in Rosamund Pike
on the cover of W, erasing her own perfect face to reveal that what lies beneath might be nothing.
Like Gone Girl's Amy Dunne, who confesses that she "has never really felt like a person, but
a product" - plastic, fungible, ready to be consumed by anyone, at any time - the female sociopath
is a product of a broken promise made to women, by women. She is a product poised to disappear into
the immense darkness from which she came.
If You Can't Beat Them, Join Them
Female sociopaths are rare, making up only 15% of all those diagnosed.
Ask any psychiatrist, and he will tell you that the female sociopath is a rare, almost mythological,
creature. Ask Dr. Robert Hare, perhaps the most prolific researcher in criminal psychology and creator
of the Hare Psychopath Checklist (PCL-R), and he will place the ratio of male to female sociopaths
at seven to one - practically unworthy of discussion, let alone veneration. The PCL-R, which Hare
developed during his work with inmate populations in Canada, is widely considered the gold standard
for identifying and discussing anti-social behavior - and by the same token, for identifying and
discussing what constitutes "normal" social behavior. With it, researchers over the last decade
have estimated that sociopaths comprise three to four percent of the U.S. population, or roughly
10 million people who regularly demonstrate a lack of empathy, a conniving and ruthless attitude
towards interpersonal relationships, and immunity to experiencing negative emotions. A mere 1.5 million
of them are women.
"... Some female sociopaths demonstrate antisocial behavior as children and as adolescents. Lying, stealing, truancy, cruelty to animals and siblings, drug abuse, early sexual activity. Of course, there may be frequent run-ins with the law. Their parents are very often distraught because there is so little they can do. As adults, these female sociopaths may end up abusing alcohol and drugs and end up in and out of prison. ..."
"... Female sociopaths have all the symptoms of sociopaths. The lying, the parasitic lifestyle, the need for excitement and the desire to control. It's possible that there are many female sociopaths who live, for all intents and purposes, what looks like a normal life from the outside. They are content to just blend in and do what "normal" people do. ..."
"... One of the ways this shows up is in problems in their marriage. In true sociopath style, they attract a man, create an intimate relationship , influence his decision making and get married. It's common for them to isolate the man from his friends and family to varying degrees. They can be very domineering and controlling, using sex as a means to manipulate. The man may suffer verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse and even physical abuse. ..."
"... When there are children involved it gets infinitely more complicated. Especially in separations and divorces. The female sociopaths have no difficulty (remember no remorse, guilt or pity for anybody) in using the children as pawns or objects to try to continue to manipulate the man. ..."
"... In family matters where the police or the courts involved, they have no difficulty in lying, inventing stories and doing whatever is necessary to get what they want. They can play the victim role very well, as most sociopaths do, and will use society's preferences towards women and mothers to their advantage. ..."
"... Apparently both male and female psychopaths have high levels of testosterone. It has been found that in normal populations, higher levels of testosterone are associated with higher sex drive, more sexual activity and more attractiveness to the opposite sex. This will make female sociopaths more appealing to males. Add to this the lack of inhibition, and the grandiose sense of self and you have a lethal combination! Think femme fatale! It may also explain the lack of desire to have children and the failure to look after them if they do. It's not uncommon for female sociopaths to leave young children unattended, for example, because they have other more important things to do. ..."
"... We normally think women are empathic and nurturing and don't expect to see cold-hearted, uncaring, callous behaviors in women. We don't consider that they could be more devious, manipulative, destructive, vindictive and downright nasty than their male counterparts. But just ask any man who has been a victim of female sociopaths...! ..."
How many female sociopaths are there? Robert Hare believes that about 1% of the
population fits the profile of psychopath, and male psychopaths are 7 times more
common than female psychopaths.
But there are some things to keep in mind here. When most people think of
'sociopath' they typically think 'male' and 'serial killer'. They do not generally
think of women psychopaths. This can lead to a situation where they are dealing with
a psychopath in their life but do not realize who they are dealing with.
Add to this the fact that sociopaths have been called chameleons for their ability
to blend into society and it adds to the difficulty in counting them.
Plus, whether you consider it sexist or not, the female aspect needs to be
considered when talking about manipulation. Women have been known to 'bat their
eyelids' and show their cleavage or 'show a bit of leg', for example, to good effect.
How female sociopaths show up in society
The most obvious group are the serial killers. And yes, there have been lots of
female serial killers as well as males!
Unlike the males however, there is usually not a sexual element to their crimes.
It's much more usual to be money or power related. And the female sociopaths
typically know their victims; it's rare for them to kill strangers. An interesting
group are the female sociopaths who become nurses or doctors. These cold-blooded
killers hide themselves where nobody would suspect them, in a caring profession!
And then they set to work. For example, Beverley Allitt, a 23-year-old nurse in
the UK killed 4 and attacked 9 other children within a couple of months before she
was caught. A Texas nurse Genene Jones is believed to have killed between 11 and 46.
It's of this group that people usually say "But they seemed like such nice people!"
Another subset are those who kill one or several husbands for the inheritance and
life assurance.
Obvious Delinquents
Some female sociopaths demonstrate antisocial behavior as children and as
adolescents. Lying, stealing, truancy, cruelty to animals and siblings, drug abuse,
early sexual activity. Of course, there may be frequent run-ins with the law. Their
parents are very often distraught because there is so little they can do. As adults,
these female sociopaths may end up abusing alcohol and drugs and end up in and out of
prison.
Some therapists believe that there is such a disregard for society among them that
a sociopath that has not broken the law just hasn't been found out yet!
There seems to be two themes among female sociopaths that are not so prevalent in
male led groups, one being the avoidance of sex and the other being food.
The women psychopaths may target women who want to get away from sex for whatever
reason. Instead they offer female nurturing and support.
As well as offering meals when potential 'clients' have none, there are cults
based on eating healthily or losing weight. This is typical of cults, they offer
something people want but behind the outer facade is a second set of ideas or
principles. People enter for one thing and end up having the leader control their
lives.
Socialized sociopaths
These are the ones that are so difficult to count! Despite their
sociopath symptoms, they manage to integrate themselves into society to varying
degrees. Everything from solitary lives where they live on the money they make from
crimes for which they are not caught, to getting married, settling down and having
children.
It's interesting to read or listen to the stories of some of these female
sociopaths. Typically, they realize as children that they are different in some way.
They think differently and make different decisions. Then they begin to understand
that they are not so 'affected' by emotions. It's seems that it's common for them to
think that this is because they are smarter than those around them.
They begin from an early age to look for clues to recognize the emotions that
others are actually having. They learn to mimic the emotions so as not to stand out,
or to please others. They learn to create relationships that are beneficial for them.
Female sociopaths have all the symptoms of sociopaths. The lying, the
parasitic lifestyle, the need for excitement and the desire to control. It's possible
that there are many female sociopaths who live, for all intents and purposes, what
looks like a normal life from the outside. They are content to just blend in and do
what "normal" people do.
Others however, want more. More money, more power, more control, more excitement.
And they get themselves into trouble because of the impulsivity or the failure to
control their emotions, or the
irresponsibility.
One of the ways this shows up is in problems in their marriage. In true
sociopath style, they attract a man,
create an intimate relationship, influence his decision making and get married.
It's common for them to isolate the man from his friends and family to varying
degrees. They can be very domineering and controlling, using sex as a means to
manipulate. The man may suffer verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse and
even physical abuse.
When there are children involved it gets infinitely more complicated.
Especially in separations and divorces. The female sociopaths have no difficulty
(remember no remorse, guilt or pity for anybody) in using the children as pawns or
objects to try to continue to manipulate the man.
They will extract information from the children about the father to use against
him, they will influence how and what the children think about the father, and they
may prevent the father from having any contact with the children. The welfare of the
children is not considered. What's important is that they continue to maintain
control and power.
In family matters where the police or the courts involved, they have no
difficulty in lying, inventing stories and doing whatever is necessary to get what
they want. They can play the victim role very well, as most sociopaths do, and will
use society's preferences towards women and mothers to their advantage.
Some female sociopaths simply go from one relationship to another. They use their
sociopathic charm, good looks and female wiles to create a relationship, take what
they want and then disappear, leaving a trail of brokenhearted and confused men
behind them. Men who are somewhat poorer after the experience!
This piece was originally written about a male but I think it works equally well
like this!
She will choose you, charm you with her words, and control you with this
presence. She will delight you with her wit and her plans. She will show you a
good time, but you will always get the bill. She will smile and deceive you,
and she will scare you with her eyes. And when she is through with you, and she
will be through with you, she will desert you and take with her your innocence
and your pride. You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a
long time you will wonder what you did wrong.
From an essay signed, "A psychopath in prison".
Testosterone
Apparently both male and female psychopaths have high levels of testosterone.
It has been found that in normal populations, higher levels of testosterone are
associated with higher sex drive, more sexual activity and more attractiveness to the
opposite sex. This will make female sociopaths more appealing to males. Add to this
the lack of inhibition, and the grandiose sense of self and you have a lethal
combination! Think femme fatale! It may also explain the lack of desire to have
children and the failure to look after them if they do. It's not uncommon for female
sociopaths to leave young children unattended, for example, because they have other
more important things to do.
How we perceive women
We normally think women are empathic and nurturing and don't expect to see
cold-hearted, uncaring, callous behaviors in women. We don't consider that they could
be more devious, manipulative, destructive, vindictive and downright nasty than their
male counterparts. But just ask any man who has been a victim of female
sociopaths...!
"... They view relationships as power struggles and always want to be on the winning side of it. They have impaired consciences and don't mind fighting dirty. They can lie with a straight face and have a professional-level poker face. ..."
To an abuser, emotional manipulation serves one goal and
one goal only. It's the determination to win and possess the
most power in a relationship. They believe that when they have
such power, they will be happy... and it's all at your expense.
It's an amazingly unhealthy approach to a relationship, and
anything for that matter. If you approach something solely to
win, that means you put winning as a higher priority than
someone's feelings and ultimately wellbeing.
If you approach an argument solely to win, then you ignore
the underlying issues and are not resolution-focused. And if you
approach a relationship solely to win, then you are spitting on
the underlying concept of a relationship.
You are mistaking it for a battle of vulnerability and control,
while relationships should be the polar opposite. Relationships
are a give-and-take and require compromise. Relationships are
not a zero-sum game, and they do not function like a dom-sub
relationship from the BDSM world. Abusers forget this, or
worse... they realize it and know exactly what they are doing
when they manipulate you.
Abusers embody a frightening combination of traits that
make them dangerous.
They are focused and intentional about what they want from
you. They have a penchant for deception and backhanded
tactics of questionable morality. They view relationships as
power struggles and always want to be on the winning side of it.
They have impaired consciences and don't mind fighting dirty.
They can lie with a straight face and have a professional-level
poker face.
They live in a zone of danger where they are smart enough to
be able to fool you yet dumb enough to not see the damage they
are doing.
But let's get one thing straight.
Your abuser wants power over you, and this means one
simple truth. They don't love you. They just don't, or else
they would treat you better and respect you. They may think
they love you, but that's a testament to their skewed
understanding of love and how relationships work. At best, the}
believe they know what's best for you and seek to control every
aspect of your life.
If they don't love you, what do they love? What motivates
them?
They love controlling someone. That's what gives them
pleasure, and they will go to any lengths to maintain that
pleasure. That's why they make you feel downtrodden on a
daily basis and constantly tell you that you aren't good enough
or smart enough. You hear it so much, you begin believing it
instead of trusting yourself and your self-esteem... and that's
exactly where your abuser wants you. It makes them feel better
about themselves and happy to be adored.
.... ... ...
Emotional manipulation is rarely as direct and obvious as
you might think. Perhaps it might be obvious to the casual
bystander, but when you're emotionally invested, everything
simply appears incredibly complex and layered.
"... Some of the chapters were next to impossible to write because of the nature
of the situations I found myself in, and how personal the memories were, and I hesitated
including them in this book, however I felt it was needed to show the lengths Sara
would go to to manipulate, degrade and brainwash me, ultimately leading to the destruction
of our marriage. It took me a very long time to recognize and admit I was a victim
of abuse, especially from a woman. ..."
"... Being a man's man, that wasn't easy. After my admission, I had to take
a look back at the big picture and realize my intentions were always good, but I
was just manipulated, brainwashed and beaten down to the point of alienating virtually
everyone away from me. ..."
"... This was the life I lived for 12 years.... ..."
"... As time went on, and we spent virtually every waking moment together, I
began to feel the suffocation of a poisonous relationship creeping in, but by the
time I realized this, I was too deep into it and didn't know what to do; the brainwashing
had begun. ..."
"... Admittedly, there was a fairly significant amount of fear I developed towards
Sara. Along the way, I had friends I turned to here and there, but eventually, telling
people some of the things that were going on was far too embarrassing to share.
..."
Author's Note The events that happened throughout this book are all true,
recalled from the best of my memory and/or old journals I had kept. Those who
read it, may not like everything they read, but unfortunately sometimes the
truth is the hardest thing to hear. All of the dialogue has been reconstructed
from memory; it may not be word for word, but the nature of what was said is
accurate. It was suggested by some of my closest friends and family that I take
my unbelievable story and life lessons learned with Sara and not only write
them down, but publish a book for others to read and try to grasp the hell I
lived. I know I'm not alone in what I had gone through and there are other people
out there who are living a similar life that I lived. I thought that if I wrote
this book, sharing the struggles I faced being married to someone who was mentally,
emotionally and sometimes physically abusive (not to mention controlling, completely
unpredictable and manipulative), there may be some small chance that one of
these people living in a similar hell may read it and find that there is a way
out. There is hope for a better life.
I will say, wiiting these memories, (or in most cases nightmares) down was
very therapeutic but not often easy. I do not regret anything I wrote in this
book. I wanted everything to be honest, factual, uncensored and descriptive,
and I believe in order to do it right, it couldn't have been done any other
way. Some of the chapters were next to impossible to write because of the
nature of the situations I found myself in, and how personal the memories were,
and I hesitated including them in this book, however I felt it was needed to
show the lengths Sara would go to to manipulate, degrade and brainwash me, ultimately
leading to the destruction of our marriage. It took me a very long time to recognize
and admit I was a victim of abuse, especially from a woman.
Being a man's man, that wasn't easy. After my admission, I had to take
a look back at the big picture and realize my intentions were always good, but
I was just manipulated, brainwashed and beaten down to the point of alienating
virtually everyone away from me. I was lost and spiraling quickly down
a very dark, destructive path. I am still working on standing tall and holding
my head up after many years of abuse. I am not ashamed of myself any longer,
and have become comfortable speaking out on this subject. I am a much different
man today than I was back then. This is my story. This was the life I lived
for 12 years....
... ... ...
My point? We were like any other teenage romance. It was not uncommon for
us to do sweet gestures for each other like writing little notes in our lockers
at school to each other, or meeting each other for lunch. I'm sure we made some
people sick. Then things began to slowly change. As time went on, and we
spent virtually every waking moment together, I began to feel the suffocation
of a poisonous relationship creeping in, but by the time I realized this, I
was too deep into it and didn't know what to do; the brainwashing had begun.
Admittedly, there was a fairly significant amount of fear I developed
towards Sara. Along the way, I had friends I turned to here and there, but eventually,
telling people some of the things that were going on was far too embarrassing
to share. I kept things to myself and tried to work through them alone,
or just simply ignore them...
Concerted efforts at influence and control lie at the core of cultic groups, programs, and
relationships. Many members, former members, and supporters of cults are not fully aware of the
extent to which members may have been manipulated, exploited, even abused. The following list of
social-structural, social-psychological, and interpersonal behavioral patterns commonly found in
cultic environments may be helpful in assessing a particular group or relationship.
Compare these patterns to the situation you were in (or in which you, a family member, or
friend is currently involved). This list may help you determine if there is cause for concern.
Bear in mind that this list is not meant to be a "cult scale" or a definitive checklist to
determine if a specific group is a cult. This is not so much a diagnostic instrument as it is an
analytical tool.
The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and
(whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as
law.
Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
Mind-altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation
sessions, and debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about
the group and its leader(s).
The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel
(for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs, marry-or leaders prescribe what
types of clothes to wear, where to live, whether or not to have children, how to discipline
children, and so forth).
The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s) and
members (for example, the leader is considered the Messiah, a special being, an avatar-or the
group and/or the leader is on a special mission to save humanity).
The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider
society.
The leader is not accountable to any authorities (unlike, for example, teachers, military
commanders or ministers, priests, monks, and rabbis of mainstream religious denominations).
The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems
necessary. This may result in members' participating in behaviors or activities they would have
considered reprehensible or unethical before joining the group (for example, lying to family or
friends, or collecting money for bogus charities).
The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt iin order to influence and/or control
members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.
Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and
radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.
The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.
The group is preoccupied with making money.
Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related
activities.
Members are encouraged
or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.
The most loyal members
(the "true believers") feel there can be no life outside the context of
the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals
to themselves or others if they leave (or even consider leaving) the group.
This checklist will be published in the new book, Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships
by Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias (Berkeley: Bay Tree Publishing, 2006).
It was adapted from a checklist originally developed by Michael Langone.
You've finally found "the one." Your relationship seems otherworldly, and your emotional high
is so high it feels as if you've taken a potent, euphoria-inducing drug. You believe you've found
your soulmate and can't believe your good fortune. Unfortunately, you may actually be in the first
phase of an emotionally abusive relationship.
Love bombing is an all-encompassing, exhaustive campaign of flattery that "bombs" the
target with non-stop positive reinforcement. Typically, the love-bomber showers his or her mark with
compliments, praise and appreciation, declarations of undying love early on, promises of a future
together, frequent contact by calls, texts and emails, gift-giving, great sex, and a lot of time
spent with each other. It's extreme and over-the-top.
It can (and does) happen online as well, sometimes without ever having met in person.
Some experts believe that not all behavior in the beginning with a psychopathic or narcissistic
personality type is grooming, although grooming (which is intentionally manipulative) will be part
of it. According to
Dr. Rhonda Freeman, clinical neuropsychologist,
"the emotional high they demonstrate is quite likely genuine. Many are significantly stimulated
and intrigued by their new partner. However, in addition to this 'high' there also tends to be
manipulation… In his or her "game" the psychopathic or narcissistic individual has the advantage.
There will be pain for the unsuspecting trusting target… This is the nature of these disorders.
No one is bonded to, appreciated or valued."
Freeman goes on to say,
"Unlike the excitement they have for their new target, the grooming component of their relationships
is intentional. It is tailored to set the victim up for future use." She adds that "grooming is
purposeful manipulation with an end goal of taking advantage of the target," and that grooming
"facilitates an impression that the psychopathic individual is safe, generous and trustworthy."
In other words, they are not really safe, generous or trustworthy, even though they may be genuinely
interested in you. You can read more here:
Grooming
What greater flattery could there possibly be than having someone who believes you're the most
wonderful person they've ever known, someone who truly appreciates you and believes you are worthy
of their time, attention, admiration, energy and love? The victim is swept off their feet, oblivious
to the truth.
Love bombing reinforces powerful beliefs about ideal love; fosters trust, loyalty, relationship
investment and a positive image of the abuser; creates deep bonding and emotional dependence; and
sets the stage for disbelief of the manipulator's misdeeds when they eventually and inevitably come.
The love bomber presents him or herself as your ideal partner, one who is generous, loving, caring
and empathetic, and who shares your interests, values, goals and dreams. It couldn't be further from
the truth. Finding out the truth, which happens eventually, is a shocking, heartbreaking experience.
The betrayal is deep, and it is hard to overcome.
"Love loves to love love."
~ James Joyce
I hear from many readers who wonder how they could have fallen for love bombing because they're
smart, educated and savvy. Maria Konnikova, PhD, author of
The Confidence Game: Why We Fall for It … Every Time, says "I think that anyone, if you
press that person's buttons in the right way, will end up being emotionally involved and stop thinking
rationally… Once you're hot, once you're in that emotional mode of thinking, it doesn't matter who
you are."
I met him in an art gallery… Over the following month he love-bombed outrageously, torrents of
words, floods of compliments and promises of "Us" and "We" and "Together" and "Always". He had
done his research well. He hit all the sensitive buttons, and I eventually succumbed to his seductive
words and his considerable physical charms. I knew a level of joy and delight unequaled in my
life to that point. All my fantasies and longings were met, and I had found completion. ~A Reader
How can we tell when we're being conned? According to Konnikova,
"This advice is easier said than done. When things are going wrong, we're skeptical already.
When things are going beautifully and we're really happy, that's when we have to start questioning
and saying, 'Okay, why is this happening?' It may not be a con, but it might be." She says, "Our
unshakable belief that we can spot a huckster a mile away is the very thing that keeps us off
guard."
Clues that you're being manipulated with love bombing are the intensity and the rapid pace set
by the manipulator. It leaves you without time to come up for air and think clearly and carefully
about who this person really is and what their motivations are. When someone declares undying love
for you before they really know you, chances are good that something is wrong.
When she was married to her first husband she initiated contact with me (I was the friend of a
friend), confided how she had been abused, and said she really connected with me. I was her soul-mate,
her savior. I swore I never would be involved with a married woman, but she made me believe we
were meant to be together. She said so many things that left me in shock, like I was a character
in a movie where my deepest fantasies of finding my true love were unfolding. I was absolutely
convinced. ~A Reader
"The confidence game - the con - is an exercise in soft skills. Trust, sympathy, persuasion.
The true con artist doesn't force us to do anything; he makes us complicit in our own undoing."
In the quote above, the word "complicit" doesn't seem quite right to me. It's more like they left
us feeling we were complicit, but actually being complicit involves knowledge of what you're
involved in. Psychopaths always want us to take the blame, but we were fed misinformation, and because
of that we couldn't make a decision in our own best interest. Had we known the the truth–that the
person was a manipulator and was incapable of the feelings they were claiming to have–I doubt many
of us would have agreed to go ahead with them anyway.
Dr. Freeman, an expert in psychopathy and narcissism, says that in order to heal, survivors must
learn the facts and gain an understanding of what happened to them so they don't have to suffer "unnecessary
blame and confusion over why they are in such intense pain." She writes that the pain will last much
longer if victims don't know the facts: "You have to know what you're dealing with in order to take
steps to move forward." (HEALING
AND RECOVERY: MOVING ON AFTER ABUSE)
Your best defense is to slow the pace of any relationship that begins with such idealization and
intensity. Easier said than done if you believe you've met your 'soul mate.' It takes time to get
to know someone's true character. Some people are very different than what they first appear to be.
We all believe we're good judges of character, but in truth we're not. There is no shortcut; it takes
time and observation. Maintain your goals, boundaries, activities, interests and relationships. If
the person really loves you, they won't go anywhere.
Please see the page on this site,
Red Flags, to learn more about how to protect yourself. Scroll down to the section headed with
"Here are some ideas that may help you avoid involvement with a psychopath."
We met in a bar… He was cute in a nerdy way. He was playing the trivia game. We were flirting
across the bar… We discussed everything. And the fact that we were so compatible. Soul mates.
The first night we met! Ridiculous now that I think back on it. He declared me the coolest chick
he had ever met. It was a romantic, heady night, like in all of those damn romantic movies… I
was smitten. After that night, we spent every day together. He moved in after two months. ~A Reader
"Many spiritual traditions recognize that when the dark one appears he is most beautiful, most
wonderful and most engaging. The truth only comes out later."
~unknown
"The confidence people have in their beliefs is not a measure of the quality of evidence but of
the coherence of the story that the mind has managed to construct. Quite often you can construct
very good stories out of very little evidence. . . . People tend to have great belief, great faith
in the stories that are based on very little evidence."
Romantic love is intense and unstable. Ideally, over time it progresses to long-term attachment,
which is characterised by feelings of calm, security and emotional union. This can't and won't happen
if you're involved with a disordered "partner" who is devoid of empathy, morals and a conscience.
The relationship will never be more than
intensity masquerading as intimacy, which results in emotional turmoil and isolation.
He and I met on a website designed for affairs (please no judging) … clearly there were problems
in our marriages, but that website, at least for me, was the only way I knew how to step out of
the reality which was my crumbling marriage. When the psychopath and I first met (we lived about
3 hours away from one another), it was a lot of emails, texts, phone calls, video chats, etc.
In fact, we didn't even get to meet face-to-face until almost talking for 3 weeks. But by this
point, he had already send me two flower arrangements to my job; dedicated a bunch of love songs
to me; and even told me he was in love with me. Yes, you read that right, he told me he was in
love with me, without having spent time with me, face-to-face…
The day came when we finally
met and it was surreal – I couldn't believe the person I had been talking to for so long was standing
right in front of me. In truth, something seemed a little off, and I thought about walking away…
It would be another week before I would see him again. The next time I saw him, not only did we
make (what I thought) was love for the first time, but he even had a ring with him – yes, a ring!
He proposed to me and asked me to marry him. He told me he was leaving his wife and that he wanted
me to leave my husband. He told me he was going to transfer jobs to my city and that the 3 hour
commute to see his girls wouldn't bother him. The only thing he wanted was a future with me. ~A
Reader
P and I became "followers" of each other on a popular online writing site… At the time
I was afraid, lonely, naïve and grieving. P messaged me in a desperate plea saying he wanted to
know everything about me, my phone number, my address, my real name, my favourite food, my favourite
songs. He presented as very intense, quite vulnerable… P spent hours of his time talking to me,
cultivating trust and caring. I had never felt so special to someone.
Some people would define this as grooming. We think of grooming only in regards to children
and young people. It is done to grown adults as well.
From all of this attention I found myself becoming conditioned to the positive feelings he
generated in me, as if my brain was being wired to need him. Our interactions gave me bursts of
what felt like great joy. Certainly I became used to his daily companionship as I was in a tough
period of my life. I was in fact becoming used to the dopamine and endorphin bursts that his attention
and flattery produced in me. I mistook these sensations for love.
Every morning he sent me a message that said: hello beautiful, day after day after day he told
me he loved me. His attention brought out feelings in me that I had never felt before. As the
days went on I bonded with him deeply. I thought I could trust him. ~A Reader
"With a psychopath the reflection tends to be instant and total. It's a simulated bonding that's
way too fast, too soon and too good to be true. This happens before any real emotional connection
can take place. It occurs before the partners have gotten to know each other well, over time and
in different circumstances. Instant bonding is usually a symptom of shallowness of emotions rather
than of miraculous compatibility. It means that the psychopath will detach from you and latch on
to another target as easily as he initially attached to you. Yet through their conversational glibness
and innate charm, as well as through their extraordinary capacity to identify and reflect your deepest
desires, psychopaths can initially make you feel like they're your dream come true. They present
themselves as the only partners who could possibly fulfill whatever's been missing from your life."
Claudia Moscovici,
PsychopathyAwareness
________________________________________
If you are suffering from trauma after being involved with an abuser, take action toward self
care, and put your yourself and your recovery first. Healing takes time, and requires patience and
self-compassion. It is a challenge, one that requires your effort, but you owe it to yourself to
find the information and support you need to recover.
♥ Love bomb yourself
"Five Stars. Where was this Book before!!"
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It gave me the strength to move on and leave. I am so grateful I found this book."
"If you're wondering . . . 'Gee, should I read this book?' The answer is YES. It should be
required for every human adult's relationship toolkit."
"Excellent! A must read for anyone that is lost in a relationship. I would like to thank
the author for an eye opening experience! This book has clarified more for me than I have ever understood
in my entire life time… It is straight forward the author tells you exactly what you need to hear.
To the author, again thank you for opening my eyes."
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would be required high school and/or college reading."
"This book is concise, well-written, and cuts to the core quickly – great information."
About Adelyn Birch
I was once victimized by a psychopath. Now I write this blog.
42 comments on "Love Not Bombs: LOVE BOMBING"
Jennifer on
said:
Absolutely. Normal people don't do love bombing. It's a specialty of sociopaths and they all
do it. – It's amazing how identical and predictable they are! The loon who snagged me was so lucky
to be introduced as a temporary roommate who I could also do personal assistant work for – his
situation was built in – he needed very little bombing. He certainly was busy love bombing others
though daily and all night long! One victim is never enough – I was rolled into a whole roster
of active targets and part of a laundry list of new conquests.
(Some people who are emotionally inexperienced or overly romantic might be over zealous in
showing their affections, but love bombing involves nearly round the clock attention in texts,
messaging and other contact. It's relentless until you give in or block them.)
It can manifest as around-the-clock attention in some cases, but sometimes it doesn't go
that far and yet still induces feelings of a divinely-inspired connection and all
the rest. I would have thought he was a loon if he did that, and since Ps can read people so
well, he probably sensed the amount of contact I would be comfortable with, and he knew how
to make it count. I never believed in "soul mates," and in fact I thought it was a ridiculous
idea… until I met him.
Me too!! As in I didn't believe the "soulmate" concept; I'm not very romantic, much more
practical. It is a fact that sociopaths have an uncanny skill to get inside people and lead
us with only a few words to do exactly what they want without them ever suggesting it directly.
Then their improvisation skills take over – they pick up from whatever it is we put out
and they go for the next planted idea. They have an overall arch of "want" but the path
to get there is all improv and bob and weave.
It was shocking to not only'believe' in soul mates, but to be so certain that mine
had found me. And then to find out so many others experienced the soul-mate thing, too!
It's very strange, especially since they were the opposite of soul mates.
I cry daily for how dumb I was, I would give anything to go back and change ever knowing him,
It is so hard not to blame yourself for your own destruction 😢
Traci, when you say you feel "dumb" and that you blame yourself, it means you need to learn
the facts about manipulation and emotional abuse.
Rhonda Freeman, PhD, a clinical neuropsychologist and an expert in psychopathy and narcissism,
says that in order to heal, survivors must learn the facts and gain an understanding of what
happened to them so they don't have to suffer "unnecessary blame and confusion over why they
are in such intense pain" and that the pain will last much longer if they don't know the facts.
She says "You have to know what you're dealing with in order to take steps to move forward."
Do yourself a big favor, and read Dr. Freeman's article and my posts on this site in the "self-blame"
category. Best wishes to you.
"The true con artist doesn't force us to do anything; he makes us complicit in our own
undoing" – How very true! I cannot deny that I met him half-way, swept along on a torrent
of words and empty fantasies. … This is another powerful post Adelyn. Thank you for your tireless
dedication to educating and supporting all of us who have been victimized by a psychopath. You
are unmasking the predator behind the charming, seductive facade. You are saving lives, mine included.
– xx
To tell you the truth, I almost didn't use that quote because the word "complicit" isn't
quite right. It's more like they made us FEEL we were complicit, but being complicit involves
knowledge of what you're involved in. We were fed misinformation, and because of that we couldn't
make a decision in our own best interest. Had we known the the truth–that the person was a
manipulator and was incapable of the feelings they were claiming to have–I doubt many of us
would have agreed to go ahead with them anyway. You may have had an idea that it was a fantasy,
but I bought all of it. I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I'm happy to be saving lives;
it is well worth the dedication involved. Thank you, Linda xx
Linda,
Great poem again, Thank u!!
Adelyn,
Thank your for writing about how we get drugged(Lovebombed) in the beginning off a love relationship
with these Evil Clowns/Psychos after the drug takes effect they turn us Emotional,Intellectual,
Spiritual Zombies & we cant/ unable to think straight for long time until the drug wares off.
I did the two with planes dropping hearts. The rest is from Pixabay, but I don't know
who the artists are.
lola on
said:
Great post! So true, complicity is key! Complicity is how psychopaths can slither away at the
end, putting all of the responsibility on us. When we'd go through our break ups, my ex used to
say, "You knew what you were getting into. You knew you were involved with a highly sexual man."
Then, he'd accuse me of misrepresenting myself and being dishonest because If I really loved and
understood him then I would be able to understand his tremendous need for deviant sex and constant
female attention and forgive his cheating. I would understand that the sex with others meant nothing.
Psychopaths lure their victims into the web, making us feel we had a choice. I think the control
and manipulation it takes to execute a capture makes them feel powerful. Psychopaths have repeated
the con so many times they know the tricks to make a woman succumb. They know how women think!
To protect ourselves we have to clearly understand how psychopaths and narcissists think. This
site and your posts are fantastic and so very helpful!
"Instant bonding is usually a symptom of shallowness." – This is also key!! Substantial people
don't have a need to instantly bond because they have full lives and are nervous about a new relationship,
so they take it slow! A manipulator, on the other hand, will turn on the charm to hook a woman
fast because there are no emotions on the line. If he's unsuccessful, the psychopath might be
disappointed because he lost a potential resource. He is not afraid of a heartache because he
has no heart. He feels nothing, he only pretends.
I believe dating sites are danger zones because that's where vulnerable women go, ripe for
being played by psychopaths. Dating profiles are loaded with all of the specifics a psychopath
needs to know to con a woman looking for love. I think all women should avoid these sites.
He said you knew what you were getting involved with, and accused YOU of misrepresenting
yourself because you should have understood his need for deviant sex and forgiven his cheating,
AND understood that it meant nothing?! My head is spinning, Lola. This takes the psychopathic
cake. Maybe they all do. The one I knew told me it was me who seduced him (to which I shouted,
"Bulls**t!" not once but three times) and that he never said or implied that our relationship
was anything more than an affair and that I must have imagined that it was (more BS). It was
a ridiculous attempt at gaslighting. They will say anything, no matter how outrageous,
just in case we might believe it in our confused and weakened state.
Dating sites are dangerous… but apparently so are consumer complaint websites, writer websites,
meetups and church. It can happen anywhere, but it's true that they get a head start with the
info in a dating profile.
LOL, yes his way of thinking had my head spinning too. Now that I am out of it, I can
see how crazy it was. However, while I was in "it," I so easily accepted blame. What is
most interesting to me is how I readily accepted blame and turned myself into a pretzel
to accept his way!
Like you said in this post, "He made me complicit in my own undoing." This is the most
despicable form of manipulation. It's like self cannibalization!
I thank God everyday that I somehow found the strength to save myself!!!
Adelyn Birch on
said:
It's amazing what can happen when we're caught in their crazy, upside-down world.
It's only with distance and time that we can get clear and see just how crazy it was.
BetterBe Anon on
said:
Sometimes it can be so fast and so over the top that it's bizarre, like watching a cat with
sheathed claws batting around a little bird whilst the cat does its best to dazzle. At other times
– so I've read – the love-bombing stage can literally go on for years, with the appearance of
an absolutely perfect relationship until the bottom falls out of the target's world.
I think grooming is a VERY apt term and one that should be used more in this context. In fact
ANYTHING to do with a P is probably grooming.
Life is good :-) Readjustement has taken about a year, but life is good. Now I'm just hungry
to learn and hungry to pass on my new knowledge. :-)
Grooming is what it is. It's a term used to describe what child predators do to gain their
victim's trust, and it carries the weight and the seriousness that it should.
Thanks so much Adelyn!! Send me the text to my email.
I'll start today the translation! I'm not an ' official' translator yet, but I can do a good job.
I'll send a copy if you want, okay? Again, thanks so much! I have found myself in these shoes
and I'm still struggling to heal!
Thanks! Hugs from Brazil!
Jandira
It is hard for me to understand how the emotional high they have can be genuine but also manipulative
at the same time. The giddy excitement when he would see me. He would actually blush! So, that
can be real but yet they are also self aware and know they are manipulating us? Know they truly
can't feel or attach? He really seemed to believe he was the nice, humble, kind person he portrayed
but there were times, looking back, I could sense his delight in duping me or manipulating me.
Dr. Freeman didn't explain it, but this is how I understand it: while they may (sometimes)
be "genuinely excited," they will manipulate you because what they're excited about is possessing
you (because they don't know what love is), so they have to "groom" you in order to get you
to bond with them. Does that make sense?
Someone sent me a link to this blog today – and I'm so glad they did! What a wonderful site
you have!
Adelyn, I hope you don't mind me chiming in on this particular question. :-)
I wanted to explain what I meant by the emotional high of a psychopath being "genuine,"
while the grooming on the other hand in intentional manipulation.
What is happening is two simultaneous processes. They absolutely have the ability to feel
excited and stimulated by people and things - it the reward system of the brain. And it works
almost too well for those with psychopathy!
In fact, research has found that their reward system is a more sensitive than that of a normal
person. Hence the reason why they (more than the rest of us) start off their relationships
with intensity. It is genuine and they really are feeling that excited about you.
(The reward system is system of the brain that kicks into gear when we are newly in love
or attracted to someone. It makes us hyperfocus on people, crave them, think of them all the
time and get butterflies at the thought/ sight of them. This is very natural and a system that
we all have and have all felt it in action. Psychopaths have this system too of course, but
the dial of theirs is set at a 10 (arbitrary number), while everyone else is a let's say …
5)
Although psychopaths have this system that drives them to have this intense attraction and
desire for their new target, they brain is also built to be a natural manipulator.
Because they cannot be exposed to something without taking advantage of it – they 'fatten
up their goose' to eat later. They groom her. They let her know (in a manipulative way) what
is expected of her, how this relationship will go and how he wants the experience for him to
be when his excitement ends.
Most of the time, they do not know they are going to completely lose interest and hate their
current mate (crash from their dopamine high – their reward system is over it - it's not new
anymore) – Many of them are of the genuine belief that they have truly met "the one." They
blame her when 'their' brain disconnects from the relationship. This is a dangerous time (emotional
or physical or both) for the former object of his affection.
Because of this disorder, psychopaths are operating on two tracks when they are with a new
partner.
Intentional manipulator AND their (involuntary) reward system.
Klarissa – The short answer to your question is:
yes – if he is a psychopath then it is highly probable that he felt very stimulated, attracted,
and interested – it was genuine. That part was not a dupe.
However, if the person has strong psychopathic traits, then there was likely grooming mixed
in there as well.
Hi Dr. Freeman! Thank you for coming by and clarifying this for us. I think I will turn
it into a new post so everyone will be sure to read it. I only discovered your website recently,
and it's a wonderful resource. Your caring and compassion really come through. We tend to
get left out of the discussion! I've been directing the guys that come here to your Men's
Corner, since there's very little information available just for them.
Thanks again; your input is greatly appreciated! All the best to you, too.
Wow! Thank you, Dr. Freeman!
This explanation is so helpful. Not only in gaining some understanding about his behavior
but also in helping me to have peace about everything and just move on!
Appreciate the work Adelyn does through this blog and you taking the time to comment!
I'm so glad you came back and saw her comment! I'm happy it helped you, Klarissa.
Dr. Freeman on
said:
That's great to hear Klarissa! Glad I was able to shed some light on the condition!
Dr. Freeman on
said:
Sure – you're welcome!
Klarissa on
said:
I think so…. are you saying they know they are manipulating us and controlling us and that
is what excites them? I understand they can't love or attach but do they mistake their own feelings
for attachment or is it really that calculated and fabricated?
If that is the case, it helps to know those feelings I felt that he was duping me and liking it
were real. Of course I only recognized it after the fact. At the time, I thought he was smirking
or slightly laughing for other reasons. Ugh!
They're excited about you… and one of the things they're excited about is purposefully manipulating
you so they can keep you around and use you. To a psychopath, we are exciting objects
that they want to posses and control and take advantage of (until they get bored and they need
a new object to excite them). So they're excited about their new object and excited about manipulating
their new object.
I found an article on Dr. Freeman's website that explains it better. She wrote:
"For individuals with (psychopathy), there is an additional layer to excitement
at the beginning of a relationship-Grooming. Unlike the excitement they have for their new
target, the grooming component of their relationships is intentional. It is tailored to set
the victim, or target, up for future use." She says "grooming is purposeful manipulation with
an end goal of taking advantage of the target." Grooming "facilitates an impression that the
psychopathic individual is safe, generous and trustworthy."
In other words, they are not safe, generous or trustworthy; it's an act to trap us. You
can read more here:
This is written so well and breaks down how easily it is for anyone to fall for this trap.
We victims were seduced through love bombing and then groomed to obey. Initially, I thought the
psychopath openly shared what happened in his failed marriage because he trusted me, but that
was not the case. What he really did was lay out the boundaries of what was permissible and what
was not. For example: He told me how his crazy ex wife was super sensitive and made issues out
of everything, especially when it came to being jealous of other women. He told me there was nothing
he could do or say that would make her feel safe in the relationship. This was my cue to deny
and silently endure his overt flirtations, especially on Facebook. He had so many female admirers!
A mutual friend recently told me that the woman in his life who once commented on virtually
every one of his Facebook posts is now absent on his fb. My friend guesses that they probably
broke up, but that's not the case at all. Closer to the truth, he has her very well trained, She
knows in order to keep him around, she must play by his rules. The problem is the goal posts will
keep moving. I remember living in those shoes. I was in constant fight or flight, smiling, but
miserable inside. It was a tortured trapped existence; wanting to leave, but staying, hoping that
Mr. Wonderful who showered me with those love bombs would return. He never did and he won't return
for her either because he isn't real. Like you said Adelyn, "Instant bonding is usually a symptom
of shallowness in emotions." Thanks again for this. Your posts are like a great re boot!
That was very crafty, the way he set you up to silently tolerate his behavior. And at the
same time, his self-disclosure made him seem vulnerable and open to sharing with you, creating
a false sense of emotional intimacy.
We all wished and waited for the love-bomber persona to return - what a perfect set-up it
was! We didn't have a chance. I'm glad you liked the post, Dee.
" Your best defence is to slow the pace of any relationship that begins with intensity. Mantain
your goals , boundaries, activities and relationships. If the person really loves you, they wont
go anywhere.
This post resonated with me on so many levels and this advice is spot on! In fact what it means
actually is taking the emotions out of the decision making process and using logic to make decisions.
And once you go through the pain you dont have any option but to use this thought process.
I have found that in a new rendevous with someone giving it time, observing, coupled with listening
to your gut instinct works well everytime
And above all , if there is a shred of doubt about a mans character, i have no problem in walking.
the reason, im too valuable to put myself through that ever again.
I used to think I was so smart as I was sure I would never fall for a man conning me with his
words. But of course I never suspected to be love bombed the way I was.. intense physical closeness,
and not really in a sexual way, P had me addicted to his tight physical grip. He held me so tight
at times I thought I was going to pop but I fell in love and in awe of him because of this. That
was his main love bombing method, although he used his eyes a lot too which were definitely intense
but so loving. He threw in several declarations of love and that was it, I was a goner! After
it was over and my heart was broken I remember actually trying to get friends to hug me really
tightly, I think I was in withdrawl as crazy as that sounds. Sooo glad that's behind me! Oh and
hi Adelyn and thank you. Hope you're well. Ox
Hi, Asheley. So now you've gotten my wheels turning… (do you hear the creaking?)… maybe
Lovebombing can be simple, as long as the right techniques for you are used. And maybe for
all of us, out of the slew of lovebombing tactics we experienced, there were actually just
a couple–or maybe even just ONE–that actually did the job! That feels right to me. Now I'm
wondering what it was, for me, that pushed me over the edge. That would be good to know for
future reference. I'll have to give it some thought. I'm well, thank you for asking xo
I am enjoying your book 202 ways pyscopath in a personal relationship. I am feeling closure
with some of my pain. I have only question I can't to find the answer to anywhere. With his Dx
of psychopath and borderline personality disorder. Many people wonder how I actually got him to
marry me. Not that I received a faithful moment. Then he wanted to start a family. But withdrew.emotionally..
cheated.. turned my world around.. you name he did it. Help need insight.
Hi Heather. I'm sorry, I don't know the answer to your question. We can never really know
for sure what someone's intentions were; the best we can do is guess. The important thing is
that he did marry you, and he ended up turning your world upside down, and now you must go
about turning it rightside-up again. I wish you all the best as you do that.
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