Narcissism as a personal disorder
| |
"Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders,
one of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities.
But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves
are so clueless."
Jeffrey Kluger
"Vanity, thy name is narcissism".
|
The narcissistic bosses are characterized by troika of distinctive features:
- a pervasive pattern of grandiosity ( I am special, unique gifted person, a genius, etc). Typically they are
oversensitive to criticism and do not accept slightest criticism from below
- need for admiration,
- lack of empathy (the trait which is common for all sociopaths),
Taking advantage of others, ruthlessness, an exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement, and arrogant
or haughty behavior are other distinctive features. the mix is highly individual.
There is not much hope for the poor shmucks toiling for the narcissistic personality-disordered
boss who demands perfection, absolute loyalty, and 24/7 devotion to the job. In this sense, narcissistic managers are not that different from other sociopathic manager types and also suffer from
the compulsive need
for control ("control freaks").
Narcissistic behavior is dominated by compulsive desire to project highly
positive image resulting in unstable behavior with emotional outbursts caused by insecurity and
weakness rather than any real feelings of confidence or self-esteem. One interesting feature of
narcissists is that their behaviour in family environment is often more brutal and tyrannical then with
subordinates of the office. That makes them close to micromanagers, who are also petty tyrants in family. .
| One interesting feature of narcissists is that their behaviour in family environment is often more brutal and
tyrannical then with subordinates of the office. That makes they close to micromanagers. |
One og the most important diagnostic feature is oversensitivity to criticism. They literally do not accept slightest criticism from below.
That's why narsssisits are often misclassifies as bullies and micromanagers. As they need to steal all
the achievements of subordinates to built their image they are typically "gatekeepers" who try tightly
control all the communications channels with the superiors'. Narcissists typically are quite paranoid and react inadequately
on any threat to their projected image.
|
Typically they are oversensitive to criticism and do not accept slightest criticism from below.
Narcissists typically are quite paranoid and react inadequately
on any threat to their projected image. |
It is wrong to view narcissist as a person who is in love with himself/herself. It is more accurate
to characterize the pathological narcissist as someone who created and try to protect by all means possible
an fake, idealized mask, they are wearing instead of their "real" personality. Which might
well be "ugly ducking" complex with disenfranchised, wounded self.
Neoliberalism promotes narcissism
The lack of empathy amongst the US elite including the managers class and higher level leadership,
makes for a disturbing tolerance for pain and misery and injustice in others. some even claim that the
USA is a nation of narcissists. As Daniel J. Boorstin observed: "As individuals and as a nation, we
now suffer from social narcissism. The beloved Echo of our ancestors, the virgin America, has been abandoned.
We have fallen in love with our own image, with images of our making, which turn out to be images of
ourselves. "Which, of cause, is only partially true. But
neoliberalism definitely promote
narcissism and sociopathy like no other social system. Under
neoliberalism highly
individualistic behaviors including mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only pervasive but often
encouraged. To get a fleeing what is to be working under a narcissist (in this case a female) you can
watch The Devil
Wears Prada.
The narcissist is just one type of corporate psychopath and it shares probably
more then 90% of traits with the general case of psychopathic personality. Like in all such cases the
true character is carefully and skillfully disguised behind an image he/she wants to project. Some researchers
like Alexander Lowen even suggested that paranoid personality is a subtype of “narcissistic character”.
Profound lack of self-awareness and insularity amongst the managers of large corporation is a norm,
not an exception. They consider themselves to be "Masters of the Universe". And it sets a potential
for a disastrous series of actions, with escalating harshness toward employees, who are considered just
"expendable" Untermensch
.
It goes without saying that like all psychopaths any narcissist is always a bully and
they share many personal and behavioral traits with them ( see
Behavior of the serial bully for the original list).
This is not black and white situation in a sense that such person has 100% of narcissists traits
and that "normal" persons do not have such traits at all. There is a continuum of narcissistic
traits. Mild cases may be labeled as vain personalities, and mostly demonstrate self centeredness and
vanity. But at some point quantity turns in quality and became a narcissistic personality disorder.
Persons belonging to those "extreme" cases are oblivious to the needs of others and focus
on maintaining a false and grandiose image of themselves.
In a corporate environment such
person can be a workaholic, who completely neglect family for carrier advancement. Extreme cases are
100% sociopaths, feeling over-entitled and completely lacking conscience and empathy. They also have
no respect for the law, and a distinct tendency to engage risky, impulsive, borderline or openly
criminal behaviour.
| In a corporate environment such person can be a workaholic, who completely neglect family for carrier advancement.
Extreme cases are 100% sociopaths, feeling over-entitled and completely lacking conscience and empathy.
They also have no respect for the law, and a distinct tendency to engage risky, impulsive, borderline or openly
criminal behaviour. |
Extreme lack of empathy can lead to the destruction of career of people who had been his subordinates
or colleagues or are considered as a stumbling block to the carrier success. Sometimes that couples
with strong elements of sadism and paranoid tendencies. The latter trait quite probably conceals an
feeling of inferiority and personal cowardice.
The same is true about the life with narcissist. It's actually even more of a trap, as in
this case you definitely married the
facade that hides a completely different personality. It's not necessary can be "bee queen" syndrome
it can manifest in highlighted self-modesty, self-effacement, aloofness, and inaccessibility.
Narcissistic persons are often unsociable and very protective of their privacy. Hyper reactivity to
perceived humiliations and threats to self-esteem.
Some studies associate narcissism with the
defensive form of self-esteem regulation. In other words, narcissistic individuals with an inflated
self-view and high but unstable self-esteem tend to dominate and control situations and other people
and react with anger and hostility toward perceived threats to their positive self-regard and
self-esteem. They also tend to exhibit an unrealistic goal setting, leading to impaired judgment.
The inability to engage in long-term commitments has primarily been associated with the lack of
tolerance for the challenge to self-esteem and the intensity of affects involved in a deep long-term
mutual relationship. Early enthusiasm typically followed by disappointment. This lack of commitment
is actually a reliable indicator of narcissism. Lack of commitment also can be expressed as
irresponsible behaviour such as infidelity.
Narcissistic individuals are usually identified by their
specific interpersonal pattern with a more or less overtly arrogant and haughty attitude, and
entitled and controlling behavior. Hostility can range from subtle passive-aggressive behavior to
sadistic or explosive behavior. Inability to commit to others is another typical trait.
Some researchers distinguish between two major types:
- Arrogant, the overt grandiose type. They are characterized by overt and striking
grandiosity: a sense of superiority and self-importance, a tendency to exaggerate talents or
achievement, and a belief in being special and unique. Some among them are high
archivers whose qualities indeed are valuable, adaptable, and truly "exceed expectations". This
type of narcissistic persons is superficial but also smooth and effective social
adaptation, entitlement, and lack of empathy. They are prone to devaluation, contempt, and
depreciation of others, is extremely envious and unable to receive help from others. Some has
severe mood swings which makes them similar to BPD. Usually, such people come across as
dislikable and can evoke strong negative reactions in other people. In addition, envy of others
or the belief that others envy them, and cruel and exploitative attitudes and behavior
toward other people or society are common character traits that impair such an individual
capacity for interpersonal functioning and, especially, long-term commitments such as marriage.
- Shy narcissists.
Shyness has been defined as a fear of negative social evaluations, leading to discomfort that
limits desire for social contact. Shy narcissists may actually represent a more severe
narcissistic pathology compared to the overtly offensive and dislikable one. For this type of
narcissists unrealistic self-evaluation and difficulties in adjusting to social life leave them
dissatisfied outsiders. They have exaggerated sense of shame and overuse it in regulating
self-esteem (Intense shame leads to problem in normal social functioning with dominating feelings
of anger and a lowering of self-esteem). They hide their grandiose beliefs and aspirations, and
appear modest and seemingly uninterested in social success. They might have intact or even high
moral standards. They are often aware of their inability to empathize, and they can actually be
helpful and are able to feel grateful and even feel concern for others. Their impaired capacity
for deep relations can be either hidden or apparent, but their yearnings for social contact,
acceptance, and recognition are suppressed. They also feel shame when their grandiose ambitions
are revealed... The pain of shame and its resulting loss of self-esteem may give rise to
unfocused anger and hostility. The aggression is initially directed toward the self. However,
shame-based anger can easily be directed toward others as a retaliation, because shame typically
involves the imagery of a real or imagined disapproving other. Unrecognized or unacknowledged
shame is likely to result in rage that is directed inward or outward.
There are also gender differences in narcissism. Men manifest a greater sense of uniqueness, more
interpersonal exploitativeness, entitlement and lack of empathy, while women show more intense
reaction to slights from others.
Specific narcissistic patterns in women include excessive demands,
overcontrol, self-absorption, grandiose fantasies, possessiveness, and lack of empathy. Pathological
narcissism is identified by degree of severity, dominance of aggression versus shame, and by the
extent to which its manifestations are overt or covert. Pathological narcissism encompasses
different levels of functioning or degrees of severity. They can range from extraordinarily high
levels of functioning combined with exceptional capabilities, to malignant forms of narcissism
and antisocial or psychopathic behavior often found in criminals
People belonging to the first type impress others as being 'personalities'; they are especially
suited to act as a support for others, to take on the role of leaders and to give a fresh stimulus
to cultural development or to damage the established state of affairs a self-confident, arrogant,
vigorous, and impressive individual, an athletic type—hard and sharp with masculine features. These
individuals are haughty, cold, reserved, or aggressive with disguised sadistic traits in relation to
others. They resent subordination and readily achieve leading positions. When hurt, they react with
cold reserve, deep depression, or intense aggression. Their narcissism is expressed in an
exaggerated display of self-confidence, dignity, and superiority. They are often considered highly
desirable as sexual partners because of their masculine traits, despite the fact that they usually
show contempt for the females. For them, sexuality serves less as a vehicle of love, than as one of
aggression and conquest.
This grandiosity (an unrealistic sense of superiority) causes the narcissistic person to view
others with disdain or as different or inferior. It also refers to a sense of uniqueness, the belief
that few others have much in common with oneself and that one can only be understood by a few or
very special people. Additional attitudes and behaviors that serve to support and enhance the
inflated self-esteem include admiring attention seeking, boastful and pretentious attitudes, and
unrestrained self-centered behavior.
If their sense of self-worth is threatened they often explode in anger.
|
If their sense of self-worth is threatened they often explode in anger. Typically they are
oversensitive to criticism and do not accept slightest criticism from below |
Among people belonging to the second type a very interesting case is a narcissistic scientist (or
programmer), a person with a superior often workaholic attitude and who, although fully able to
understand others intellectually, still is completely indifferent to them. However, their
achievements become overshadowed by their preoccupation with acclaim, an attitude of "all or
nothing", or dreams of glory, of attaining a position of extraordinary power or worldwide
recognition. These people are dependent upon the evidence of their success, and they can become
hypersensitive to the lack of such evidence. Narcissism has usually been discussed in the
context of unrealistic ideas of success and the difficulties of tolerating lack of success.
In both cases the focus is on personal achievements, personal grandiosity, and fulfilling
personal ambitions which puts family aside and result in neglect of magical partner and children.
Such marriages are often characterized by dependency, revenge, rage, unfaithfulness, and lack of
consideration for the other spouse.
NPD and BPD spouses share mood swings, as well
as a sense of inappropriateness, depersonalization, anger, feelings of emptiness and boredom, and a
sense of injustice (NPD) and alienation (BPD). Some female NPD patients can function on an
overt borderline level. Good qualities in other people evoke a sense of humiliation and inferiority,
and feelings of envy are warded off by devaluing or avoiding such people or by trying to destroy
whatever good comes from them in order to protect self-esteem and maintain superiority.
Narcissists are typically not comfortable with their own emotions. They listen only for
the kind of information they seek, displaying very strong "confirmation bias" and while insensitive
to real people needs, they can be very sensitive to similar situation in movies.
| Narcissists are typically not comfortable with their own emotions. They listen only for the kind of information they seek, displaying very strong "confirmation bias" and while insensitive to real people needs, they can be very sensitive to similar situation in movies.
For many narcissist watching tragic movies is really painful. |
This observation is somewhat paradoxical,
but very true. For many narcissist watching tragic movies is really painful. Indeed. This is
an interesting demonstration of the trait that can be called "emotion fobia".
They don’t learn easily from others. They don’t like to teach, they prefer to indoctrinate.
They tend to dominate meetings with subordinates. Often they are emotionally isolated.
Nevertheless
they are relentless and ruthless in their pursuit of "victory", whatever that means. In this sense,
they display kind of "champion" character.
Dr. Craig Malkin
noted (5
Early Warning Signs You're With a Narcissist):
Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have
lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence
of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even
the occasional tragedy or failure.
Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way.
It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can
be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings
come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it’s often like pulling teeth
to get them to admit that they’ve reached the boiling point — even when they’re in the midst of the
most terrifying tirade.
It demonstrates itself in such ways as lack of interest to movies (because of the emotions they elicit),
especially tragedies and theatrical plays. Or desire to avoid events connected with deep emotions such
as funerals, or even celebrations. At the same time they themselves can behave like a "drama-queens"
and kings) who respond to some minor "provocation" with level of emotion (for example anger) that is
completely out of place. This allows them to feel that their lives have meaning, that they are at the
center of a significant human story. We all need a sense of meaning, but trying to meet this need with
our own emotional excess is ultimately a hollow exercise (and pretty tiresome for everyone around us).
Anger and rage are the only acceptable emotions to a narcissist. They cover up every other emotion (hurt,
desperation, pain, disappointment, fear, shame, guilt) with anger. It's a 'confusion to the enemy' sort
of tactic - make everyone think you are mad, and blame them for it, and they'll never suspect that you
are afraid. And if you dare show feelings you're accused of being over emotional or over sensitive when
really our feelings are completely normal and appropriate!
Based on the
emotional theory,
the emotional life is crucial due to communication and finding a direction in difficult situations.
When we communicate with other people, it is common to experience feelings that we don’t express
and we may express other feelings than those we experience. For example we might cry when we feel
angry, or yell when we are afraid. Family culture and socio-cultural settings affect our way of expressing
and communicating our emotions. Avoiding certain emotions is called affect phobia or emotional phobia.
It is easy to think of a emotion communication misunderstandings that can occur between two people
when one person is afraid, but is instead yelling. The other person interprets that as criticism,
becoming angry and starting to cry. The first message, of being afraid never came to the other person’s
knowledge because the yelling was misinterpreted as anger and the person in need of support (the
person afraid) becomes the supporter of the person (feeling criticism) who begins to cry. This leads
to discussions and quarrels about the wrong things.
What is especially interesting is that it is a subset of set of behaviour known as social anxiety,
which run completely opposite to the image of self-confident successful human being narcissist is trying
to project. Here is more general description of this set of behaviors (Social
anxiety - Mayo Clinic) a
Signs and symptoms of social anxiety disorder can include persistent:
- Fear of situations in which you may be judged
- Worrying about embarrassing or humiliating yourself
- Concern that you'll offend someone
- Intense fear of interacting or talking with strangers
- Fear that others will notice that you look anxious
- Fear of physical symptoms that may cause you embarrassment, such as blushing, sweating, trembling
or having a shaky voice
- Avoiding doing things or speaking to people out of fear of embarrassment
- Avoiding situations where you might be the center of attention
- Having anxiety in anticipation of a feared activity or event
- Spending time after a social situation analyzing your performance and identifying flaws in your
interactions
- Expecting the worst possible consequences from a negative experience during a social situation
For children, anxiety about interacting with adults or peers may be shown by crying, having temper
tantrums, clinging to parents or refusing to speak in social situations.
Often narcissists are often sex addicts (see
Are
All Sex Addicts Narcissists). Narcissists are cut off from others by their underlying insecurity
but they nevertheless can become expert at manipulating people in order to draw them in. They
can be habitually seductive as a way of finding validation and power in relating to people generally.
Pedophiles often display narcissistic behaviour. See for example
Adrian Lyne interpretation
of Nabokov
Lolita where the main character professor Humbert Humbert is definitely a malignant narcissist,
while his victim Lolita displays some traits of a female sociopath -- may be induced by the trauma.
Lolita. It's extremely frightening for me how people react to it and actually begin to blame the little
girl merely based on the stepfather's perspective. So I think Humbert Humbert did a great job being
one of the biggest narcissists ever.
As any complex ensemble of traits narcissism has many faces and can be very difficult
to spot unless you are subordinate or a family member. So good is the mask is that he/she is wearing
"in public". One insightful description of less obvious but diagnostically important traits (among them
I think "emotion-phobia" is the most important) was provided by Dr. Craig Malkin
in his post
5
Early Warning Signs You're With a Narcissist (05/30/2013, huffingtonpost.com):
At the beginning of April this year, I was tapped by the Huffington Post Live team for a
discussion on narcissism. I happily agreed to appear, for a number of reasons, not the least
of which is that narcissism happens to be one of my favorite subjects. Early in my training, I had
the pleasure of working with one of the foremost authorities on narcissism in our field, and in part
because of that experience, I went on to work with quite a few clients who’d been diagnosed with
narcissistic personality disorder. That’s where I learned that the formal diagnostic label hardly
does justice to the richness and complexity of this condition. The most glaring problems are easy
to spot — the apparent absence of even a shred of empathy, the grandiose plans and posturing, the
rage at being called out on the slightest of imperfections or normal human missteps — but if you
get too hung up on the obvious traits, you can easily miss the subtle (and often more common) features
that allow a narcissist to sneak into your life and wreak havoc.
Just ask Tina Swithin,
who went on to write a
book about surviving
her experience with a man who clearly meets criteria for NPD (and very likely, a few other diagnoses).
To her lovestruck eyes, her soon-to-be husband seemed more like a prince charming than the callous,
deceitful spendthrift he later proved to be. Looking back, Tina explains, there were signs of trouble
from the start, but they were far from obvious at the time. In real life, the most dangerous villains
rarely advertise their malevolence.
So what are we to do? How do we protect ourselves from narcissists if they’re so adept at slipping
into our lives unnoticed?
I shared some of my answers to that question in our conversation, and I encourage you to watch
it. But there were a few I didn’t get to, and others I didn’t have the chance to describe in depth,
so I thought I’d take the opportunity to revisit the topic here. Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse
of any of these subtler signs:
1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don’t mean that narcissists see insecurity
everywhere. I’m talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato
with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that
make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It’s as if they’re saying, “I don’t
want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings.” Picture the boss who questions
your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who frequently claims
not to understand what you’ve said, even when you’ve been perfectly clear, or the friend who
always damns you with faint praise (“Pretty good job this time!”). Remember the saying: “Don’t knock
your neighbor’s porch light out to make yours shine brighter.” Well, the narcissist loves to knock
out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.
2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have
lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence
of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even
the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way.
It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can
be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings
come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it’s often like pulling teeth
to get them to admit that they’ve reached the boiling point — even when they’re in the midst of the
most terrifying tirade.
3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of
which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see
here and
here). But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also
gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family
and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists
often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common
myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted
family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the
details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.
4) Idol Worship: Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with
is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: “If I find someone
perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I’ll become perfect
by association.” The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist
— at least until they discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back
once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed
narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely
or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.
5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of
feelings, they can’t stand to be at the mercy of other people’s preferences; it reminds them that
they aren’t invulnerable or completely independent — that, in fact, they might have to ask
for what they want — and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express
needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the
outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think
of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn’t ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely
because at that very moment, he’s forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something
he’d rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler
than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching
certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel
off-limits without expressing any anger at all — a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt
the plans, chronic lateness whenever you’re in charge of arranging a night together. It’s more like
a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.
None of these signs, in isolation, proves that you’re with a narcissist. But if you see a lot
of them, it’s best to sit up and take notice. They’re all way of dodging vulnerability, and that’s
a narcissist’s favorite tactic.
Wikipedia lists several types of narcissists:
Theodore Millon identified
five subtypes of narcissist.[2][3]
Any individual narcissist may exhibit none or one of the following:
- unprincipled narcissist - including
antisocial
features. A charlatan - is
a fraudulent, exploitative, deceptive and unscrupulous individual.
- elitist narcissist - variant of pure pattern. Corresponds to
Wilhelm Reich's "phallic
narcissistic" personality type.
- fanatic type - including
paranoid
features. A severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies
who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence.
We can distinguish between non-malignant and malignant narcissism. The malignant narcissists are
similar to fanatic type above, but are not bound by a mission they shares with other followers of the
same ideology or religion or their own passion. Rather, he manifests contempt of the values of his followers
as well. Unlike the antisocial personality, however, he does not act criminality. Such a would-be tyrant
works relentlessly to create an environment, a social and ideological structure, in which the manifestations
of his disorder such as cruelty and paranoia can be legitimized as justifiable behavior which helps
to promote hem/her into a leadership position. This is especially typical in the early stages
of his career, during his initial climb to power by zealous, fanatical adoption of political and social
positions that are shared by power that be and iron loyalty.
I would say that the first and the most important diagnostic criteria that can be used in everyday
life for early diagnosis is the super-sensitivity to criticism and disproportionate reaction
to any criticism, which is viewed as a personal threat and can produce inadequate, even violent reaction.
On the other hand, narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you. Some narcissists
are emotionally abusive as in “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others”. By making
you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves. Watch for the following:
- Extreme sensitivity to reactions of others and highly vulnerable to criticism and adverse
judgment; reaction to any criticism with rage and resentment in case of subordinates and fake shame and humiliation
is case of peers. Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes coupled with rage when contradicted, or
confronted. Arguments are always difficult as narcissism assume that he/she is always
right. This trait is the most helpful in diagnosing the disorder. Among typical manifestations is
overly aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize me? That lying bastard,
I swear I'll get even, if it takes years").
This essay notes that
they see the criticism as a threat to their self, making them great fun during job performance
reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own sense of adequacy, the narcissist
seeks to be admired by others. However, the narcissist’s extremely fragile sense of self worth
does not allow him or her to risk any criticism."
- Short-fuse: anticipates attack and takes offense easily, reacting with tantrums. Engages
in revenge fantasies; in family life narcissist transforms life with him into
a constant battle for complete enslavement of other members of the family and crushing any revolt.
- Frequent tantrums directed on subordinates or selected low status "targets".
Tantrums
are used as a way of suppressing uncomfortable feelings from being experienced by the narcissists.
Instead they are "projected" and used to attack those who cannot fight back.
- Envy. Such individuals typically ridicules the achievements of others.
- Disregard for conventional values and society's rules through deceitful and dishonest
behavior . Such behavior may range from seductive, Don Juan-like recurrent efforts to conquer
or passively exploit others sexually or financially, to actual crimes such as petty
stealing. However, narcissistic people who can present a variety of antisocial behavior are
usually aware of moral norms and standards and able to feel guilt and concern
- Lack the capacity for deep commitment
The second important diagnostic criteria is a set of attention-seeking behaviors.
Life became a spectacle with the particular narcissist in leading role (of course). Many narcissists
try to impress others by making themselves "flashy" externally, paying huge attention to cloth, makeup,
perfume, cars, etc. The attempt is made to "over-represent" his own personality, substituting
for the perceived, inadequate “real” self with more comfortable idealized image. The underlying
message is always the same: “I and only I am worth of love, admiration, and acceptance!”. Narcissists
usually are quite charismatic and persuasive. But they view other people as objects although they can
fake it: when they’re interested in you, they make you feel very special and wanted.
Sometimes attention seeking demonstrates itself in being confrontational, negative, or arrogant.
Narcissists often try to dominate any conversation. You struggle to have your views and feelings heard
and is constantly interrupted. When you finally get a chance to get a word in, if your views do
not coincide with the views of a narcissist, your comments are likely to be refuted, or at best
dismissed and ignored. Most narcissists interrupt others and quickly switches the focus back to himself/herself.
Narcissists typically has little or not genuine interest in you as a personality (you are an object
for them, useful for enhancing their self-image). The narcissist also enjoys getting away
with violating rules and social norms. They often shows wanton disregard for other people’s thoughts,
feelings, possessions, and physical space. For example, they can borrows items or money and never return
them. They easily breaks promises and obligations, shows no remorse and blaming the victim. Narcissists
often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their
needs, without getting anything in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them and they
expect preferential treatment from others, who should cater to their needs and whims. Narcissists have
an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without their
magnificent contributions.
If this "attention-seeking" set of traits is combined with hypersensitivity to criticism the
chances that you are dealing with narcissists are pretty high.
| If this "attention-seeking" set of traits is combined with hypersensitivity to criticism
the chances that you are dealing with narcissists are pretty high. |
While this is a systemic trait that is not easily decomposed on components, among typical signs of
narcissism we can mention those listed in Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality
Disorder. Please be aware that "trait"-based static definitions are very limited and cannot
provide true insights into this psychopathic behavior that is driven all consuming addiction to power:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack
of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated
by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and
talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements). This
grandiosity (an
unrealistic sense of
superiority) causes
the narcissistic person
to view others
with disdain or
as different or
inferior. It also
refers to a
sense of uniqueness,
the belief that
few others have
much in common
with oneself and
that one can
only be understood
by a few
or very special
people. Additional attitudes
and behaviors that
serve to support
and enhance the
inflated self-esteem
include admiring attention
seeking, boastful and
pretentious attitudes,
and unrestrained self-centered
behavior.
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of high achievements, unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty,
or ideal love. Many narcissistic
people are indeed very
capable and do
have sustained periods
of successful academic,
professional, or creative
accomplishments. The combination
of exceptional talents
or intellectual
giftedness, grandiose fantasies,
and strong self-investment
can, in certain
cases, lead to
extraordinary intellectual,
creative, or innovative
contributions
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by,
or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable
treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
A sense
of entitlement is one of the most
the most
reliable and valid
indicator of narcissism.
Expressions of entitlement can range from infuriated reactions—irritability, hostile
rejecting, or vindictive behavior—to feeling surprised, hurt, unappreciated, unfairly treated,
or even exploited. Entitlement is closely related to a passive attitude and lack of
self-initiative and to an experience of not getting as much as one deserves . It
can also be associated with expectations or hopes for reparation of past damages or correction
of injustices. An expectation that things should come easily and be provided by others often
comes with negative or even shameful feelings toward the requirement of one's own efforts.
Further explorations of people's feelings of entitlement may reveal a striking contrast
between inner experiences of defectiveness, undesirability, or worthlessness and an overt
special entitled attitude of unrealistic rights, expectations, and exemptions. Entitlement in
such a dynamic context may have its roots in unmodulated aggression and harsh judgmental
self-criticism.
A sense of exaggerated entitlement can also exist under a seemingly timid, compliant, or
masochistic surface in people who present a willingness to attend to others while secretly
feeling used, unrecognized, and resentful.
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve
his or her own ends
Exploitativeness traditionally focused on privileges, material, or monetary gain, or
personal or professional resources of others is typical for all sociopaths. It
seems important to differentiate among (a) the more obvious, active, and consciously
exploitative behavior found in antisocial and psychopathic individuals, (b) the needfulfilling
exploitative behavior found in borderline patients, and (c) the more passive, manipulative,
and entitled, emotionally focused exploitative behavior that serves to support or enhance
self-esteem in narcissistic individuals. It also seems important to differentiate exploitative
behavior resulting from aggressive entitlement, that is, the sense of the right to pick on,
blame, and misuse others, and that resulting from revengeful or malignant entitlement, that
is, the right to retaliate, parasitize, or violate others.
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs
of others
Several narcissistic features interfere with empathy. Low affect tolerance (Emotion-phobia)
is one of the most important among them. Feelings of both shame and envy are accompanied
by the urge to withdraw, which hinders empathy. Biased self-perception, egocentricity, and
self-preoccupation interfere with the ability for perspective taking and emotional resonance.
By nature, entitlement and the readiness for self-serving expectations in others are
incompatible with empathy. In addition, self-enhancement and other strategies to protect and
increase self-esteem are also incompatible with interpersonal orientation and empathy. Some
narcissistic people present as extremely sensitive with seemingly good or even superior
ability to identify feelings and intentions in others. However, these people often lack the
ability to respond and relate to people who seek their genuine attention or empathy.
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Some narcississ are strikingly arrogant and haughty; others might initially appear more
timid but gradually present more hidden and specific areas of disdainful or pejorative
attitudes. We need to differentiate between active and passive interpersonal hostility. The
degree and type of hostility can vary from less obvious passive-aggressive behavior to overtly
belittling, exploitative, or sadistic behavior, especially toward subordinates. They also
mentioned the need for interpersonal control as an important aspect of the narcissistic
individual's relational pattern, that is, an unempathic, detached involvement with
self-serving purposes. The motive for such strivings can stem both from a sense of superiority
vis-a-vis others and from a need to protect self-esteem and self-cohesiveness from threatening
or unexpected disorganizing experiences. In addition, interpersonal dominance is used as a
strategy to manage hostility and regulate self-esteem noticed that language and words
can be used for narcissistic strivings in interpersonal relationships less for the purpose of
communicating and understanding and more for a manipulative function -- to frighten or to
soothe, to distance or to merge, to control or to be controlled
Strong and adverse reactions to criticism was excluded from the DSM-IV NPD criteria. Howerever it
remains a valuable diagnostic criterion. Narcissistic
people are hypersensitive
and prone to rapidly
interpreting situations as
threatening or humiliating.
Narcissistic people tend to interpret tasks and events as opportunities to show off, to
demonstrate their superiority, and to compete with others. When criticized, they tend to react in
various ways: They ward off intolerable criticism or threats by overestimating their own
contributions, by ignoring or devaluing the critique or the person who criticizes, or by
aggressively counter arguing or defending themselves; they also use self aggrandizing strategies and
self-illusion to boost positive feedback, commit to unrealistic goals, and take exaggerated credit
for a success. Studies support the observation that people with high narcissism tend to have
strong aggressive and violent reactions to any threat to their sense of superiority or
self-esteem. Aggressive reactions to criticism may be more or less controlled and
obvious—ranging from cognitive reconstructions of events and subtle, well-hidden feelings of disdain
or contempt, to intense aggressive argumentativeness, criticism, and rage outbursts, to more or less
controlled aggressive and violent behavior. Intense emotional reactions such as rage and shame.
Narcissistic rage is a specific form of rage that represents one of two reactions (the other being
shameful withdrawal) in a perceived injury to self-image. This type of rage, which can
range from deep chronic grudge to violent fury, is related to the need for absolute control of
the environment. Narcissistic rage
is characterized
by relentlessness, sharp
reasoning, lack of
empathy, and unforgivingness.
It served as a method of restoring
a sense of
internal power and
safety.
Here is an extended list of common patterns of behaviour:
- Oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others.
While demonstrating an overwhelming, arrogant, unhealthy attention-seeking at the same time tries
portray himself as a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate person; sees nothing wrong with
their behavior and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen
and how they are seen by others. Sometimes attention seeking is demonstrates itself in being confrontational
or negative just for the sake of getting into a fight. Some narcissists liked to argue and would
instigate arguments with others quite often.
- Systematic pathological lying, especially about past achievements, contacts etc (waving
false reality); the ability to takes advantage of others to achieve own goals. When a narcissist
has a problem he tends to escalates it to crisis and is furious if others aren't there immediately
to help him/her (this is especially typical in personal relationships). Attempts to create an
artificial positive image to compensate for his own low self-worth; demands to be recognized
as superior without commensurate achievements; careful hiding of personal incompetence under the
mask, for example, the mask of demanding but fair manager.
Narcissists are masters of creating "artificial reality" adept at manipulating perceptions
and are excellent imitators (Zelig-like types, chameleons). They like to project work ethic
and emphasize team work, while destroying the team and converting it into a pack of frightened animals.
The narcissist is willing to accept the employee as an "under-humans" (Untermensch
), whose need obediently support his/her grandiose fantasies. Typically malignant narcissists
are pathological compulsive liars. This is a lifestyle trait and they have no shame at all because
their very self is a fake, an invention.
- Unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment (sense of entitlement). Expects unreasonable
or special and favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her
expectations. Requires and expects constant attention and/or admiration. Sensitive to praise and
can take gross over-exaggerations at face value. Often tries to create a personality cult as a part
of the despotic rule.
- Shamelessly exploits others to achieve his need for approval; that means hiding other
achievements and/or presenting them as own.
- Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her
- Napoleonic complex: they are convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing
belief in their qualities of leadership, feelings of self-importance.
- Exaggerates achievements and talents but cannot distinguish between:
- leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity)
- bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust,
deceitfulness)
- Status freak. Constantly aspires for status, is compulsive "ladder climber" including
obsessive attraction to various status symbols.
- Typically disguises sense of inadequacy by arrogance; Exaggerates and boasts; Engaged
in systematic and arrogant exaggeration of own achievements and talents (see also pathological
lying)
- Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and they like to present "proofs"
that they are correct. The narcissist cannot accept responsibility for making a mistake and they
are expert at diverting the blame to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion because
my team let me down").
- Complete lacks of empathy (which is typical for all psychopaths). Often misses
the semantic meaning of language, misinterprets what is said, sometimes wrongly thinking
that comments of a satirical, ironic or general negative nature apply to him or herself .
Easy to provoke for attack. Narcissists are arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and manipulative. All
contacts are pure instruments in achieving the goals. For narcissistic managers staff is actually
"stuff": they cares little for others other than as a source of affirmation. Their co-workers
as mere instruments, objects, tools.
- Kiss-up behavior as narcissists depends on peers for a sense of self-worth; carefully
cultivate relationships with superiors. typically pays a lot of attention to association with people
of status and achievement; envious of others and expects others to be envious of him or her."
- Often attempts to overcome feeling of inadequacy by overcontrol; they are often controls
freaks and micromanagers although of different flavor then paranoid incompetent micromanagers (PIMM).
- Often sadistic and disguise their sadism under "mentoring" label.
- they "educate" their nearest and dearest, including children, to death. This
"education" is compulsive, obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical. Its effect is
to erode the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence, to intimidate, to restrain, to control,
to paralyze.
- Usually blocks all communication to/from above -- gatekeeper.
- Needs immediate gratification, resulting in poorly performing in situations requiring staying
power in which accomplishing difficult objectives take considerable time;
- Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with a different approach is seen as personally
attacking the narcissist. Petty: often narcissists get inappropriately angry when they see little
things, like grammar errors. ("My way is the ONLY RIGHT way and any other way is WRONG, WRONG,
WRONG").
- Arrogant, boastful and pretentious; often fakes competence. - These are people with fake
certificates and awards on their walls, the kind of people who exaggerate their accomplishments or
use inflated job titles like "Engineer, Physicist" in their resume job histories. - (i.e. "I'm
a Sanitation Engineer"). This narcissistic trait is especially prevalent in IT environment where
people elevate themselves to the "expert" status, and then treat people in a demeaning way when they
get questions ("Boy, now that's a really stupid question. Where did you go to college?)".
- May have alcohol or drag dependence. Cocaine addicts typically demonstrate strong narcissistic
traits, kind of "induced" narcissism.
Harry Guntrip has some insights into this
personality and his finding might help is differential diagnoses. While overt behaviour can be very
similar this type of personality, the underling mechanisms are different; for example schizoid
personality never demonstrates cruelty to animals and that can help in differential diagnosis in
addition to Harry Guntrip criteria.
Addiction to lying is not typical. Addition to nicotine, substance abuse (alcohol, cocaine) is
another tell-tell sign. Also as with any psychiatric disorders inheritance plays a role.
On the schizoid
personality[edit]
Guntrip worked extensively with
schizoid patients who were detached, withdrawn, and unable to form meaningful
human relations. He came to regard the self as the fundamental psychological concept,
psychoanalysis as the study of its growth, and
psychoanalytic therapy as a means of providing a personal relationship in which
the alienated, withdrawn self is given an opportunity for healthy growth and
development, and finally putting it in touch with other persons and objects.
He delineated the following nine characteristics of the schizoid personality:
introversion, withdrawnness,
narcissism,
self-sufficiency, a sense of superiority, loss of
affect, loneliness,
depersonalization, and
regression.[5]:pp.
13–23 These are described in more detail below.
Introversion
Guntrip described the schizoid's inner world thus: "By the very meaning of the
term, the schizoid is described as cut off from the world of outer reality in
an emotional sense. All this
libidinal desire
and striving is directed inward toward internal objects and he lives an intense
inner life often revealed in an astonishing wealth and richness of
fantasy and imaginative life whenever that becomes accessible to observation.
Though mostly his varied fantasy life is carried on in secret, hidden away."[6]
The schizoid person is so cut off from outer reality as to experience it as
dangerous. It is a natural human response to turn away from sources of danger and
toward sources of safety. The schizoid individual, therefore, is primarily
concerned with avoiding danger and ensuring safety.[5]
Withdrawnness
Withdrawnness means detachment from the outer world, the other side of
introversion. Only a small portion of schizoid individuals present with a clear
and obvious timidity, reluctance, or avoidance of the external world and
interpersonal relationships. Many fundamentally schizoid people
present with an engaging, interactive
personality style.
Such a person can appear to be available, interested, engaged and involved
in interacting with others, but he or she may in reality be emotionally withdrawn
and sequestered in a safe place in an internal world. Withdrawnness is a
characteristic feature of schizoid
pathology, but it is sometimes overt and sometimes covert. Overt
withdrawnness matches the usual description of the schizoid personality, but
withdrawnness is just as often a covert, hidden, internal state of the patient.
The patient's observable behavior may not accurately reflect the internal state
of their mind. One should not mistake introversion for indifference, and one
should not miss identifying the schizoid patient due to misinterpretation of the
patient's defensive, compensatory, engaging interaction with external reality.[5]
Narcissism
Guntrip defines
narcissism
as "a characteristic that arises out of the predominantly interior life the
schizoid lives. His love objects are all inside him and moreover he is greatly
identified with them so that his libidinal attachments appear to be in himself.
The question, however, is whether the intense inner life of the schizoid is due to
a desire for hungry incorporation of external objects or due to withdrawal from
the outer to a presumed safer inner world."[6]
The need for
attachment as a primary motivational force is as strong in the schizoid person
as in any other human being. Because the schizoid's love objects are internal,
they find safety without connecting and attaching to objects in the real world
(see
Narcissistic defences).[5]
Self-sufficiency[edit]
Guntrip observed that a sense of superiority accompanies self-sufficiency.
"One has no need of other people, they can be dispensed with... There often goes
with it a feeling of being different from other people."[6]
The sense of superiority of the schizoid has nothing to do with the grandiose self
of the narcissistic disorder. It does not find expression in the schizoid through
the need to devalue or annihilate others who are perceived as offending,
criticizing, shaming, or humiliating. This type of superiority was described
by a young schizoid man:
- "If I am superior to others, if I am above others, then I do not need
others. When I say that I am above others, it does not mean that I feel better
than them, it means that I am at a distance from them, a safe distance."
It is a feeling of security rather than of superiority.[5]
Loss of affect
Guntrip saw loss of affect as inevitable,[6]
as the tremendous investment made in the self interferes with the desire and
ability to be empathic and sensitive toward another person’s experience. These
things often seem secondary to securing one's own defensive, safe position. The
subjective experience is one of loss of affect.[5]
Some patients experience loss of affect to such a degree that the insensitivity
becomes manifest in the extreme as
cynicism, callousness, or even cruelty. The patient appears to have no
awareness of how his or her comments or actions affect and hurt other people.
This loss of affect is more frequently manifest within the patient as genuine
confusion, a sense of something missing in his or her emotional life.[5]
Loneliness
Guntrip observed that the preceding characteristics result in loneliness:
"Loneliness is an inescapable result of schizoid introversion and abolition of
external
relationships. It reveals itself in the intense longing for friendship
and love which repeatedly break through. Loneliness in the midst of a crowd is the
experience of the schizoid cut off from affective rapport."[6]
This is a central experience of the schizoid that is often lost to the observer.
Contrary to the familiar caricature of the schizoid as uncaring and cold, the vast
majority of schizoid persons who become patients express at some point in their
treatment their longing for friendship and love. This is not the schizoid patient
as described in the DSMs. Such longing, however, may not break through except in
the schizoid’s fantasy life, to which the therapist may not be allowed access for
quite a long period in treatment.
There is a very narrow range of classic DSM-defined schizoids for whom the hope
of establishing relationships is so minimal as to be almost extinct. The longing
for closeness and attachment is almost unidentifiable to such a person. These
individuals will not voluntarily become patients, as the schizoid individual
who becomes a patient does so often because of the twin motivations of loneliness
and longing. This type of patient believes that some kind of connection and
attachment is possible and is well suited to
psychotherapy. The psychotherapist, however, may approach the schizoid patient
with a sense of therapeutic pessimism, if not
nihilism,
and may misread the patient by believing that the patient’s wariness is
indifference and that caution is coldness.[5]
... ... ...
This form of behaviour is the most vividly seen in narcissistic children, which manage literally
to enslave their parents. To the extent that parent are afraid to criticize even truly abnormal behaviour
fearing a violent reaction.
Like all psychopaths narcissists lack empathy (which in common language means cruelty) and
consider co-workers, subordinates and family members as objects that can be instrumental in achieving
his/her goals. They view people as tools and try to manipulated them to satisfy their (even perverse
as in case of pedophiles and other sexual predators) needs.
They often demonstrate cruelty to animals in childhood. It should be stressed that for narcissist
other people are not humans they are just tools. Actually the best insight into narcissistic bosses
can be obtained not from reading "self-help" literature devoted to the topic, but from literature devoted
to the analysis of
the behavior of the leaders of high demand cults.
Manipulation can take many, sometimes intricate forms (10
Signs That You're in a Relationship with a Narcissist Psychology Today):
Making decisions for others to suit one’s own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner,
child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized
dreams, or cover up
self-perceived inadequacies and flaws.“If my son doesn’t grow up to be a professional baseball
player, I’ll disown him”
― Anonymous father
“Aren’t you beautiful? Aren’t you beautiful? You’re going to be just as pretty as mommy”
― Anonymous mother
Another way narcissists manipulate is through guilt, such as proclaiming, “I’ve given you
so much, and you’re so ungrateful,” or, “I’m a victim—you must help me or you’re not a good
person.” They hijack your emotions, and beguile you to make unreasonable sacrifices
Narcissistic mothers are very smart and crafty, and know how to redirect problems onto another while
abusing their children and husbands.
Narcissistic
Abuse Movies about Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Gail MeyersNovember 24, 2013 at 8:23 PM
Unfortunately, I know exactly what you are saying about being abused by a narcissistic mother but
then have everyone believe you abused her. I am so glad to hear you have escaped. I wish you well
in your healing journey.
In a way lying is a way of life for any psychopath including narcissist, and they often believe
in created by themselves artificial life story, artificial achievement and such. In other words in artificial
reality. Psychiatrist M. Scott Peck, M.D., even titled his book “People of the Lie”. If you face
problem with narcissistic boss you need to be especially aware that they behave more like politician
on a company trail and often use disinformation and brainwashing to achieve their goals. Like most politicians,
they do not care one bit about the damage they inflict on their victims (aka subordinates). Again, for
they, other people are just tools. And this smoke screen for their selfish and abusive actions
can be quite sophisticated (they do it all their adult like, and repetition is a path to perfection)
and thus very difficult for common people to discern and counteract. You need to train yourself in this
respect. Again, books can help. Here is one review of Scott Peck, M.D., book “People of
the Lie” which in not perfect but still can be useful reading on the subject (the first part of it):
Brad C. Pape, March 11, 2006
explains
why evil often causes confusion
If you have ever experienced or been frustrated by people who seem to have a hidden agenda then
you will enjoy and benefit from this book. The author states (some are paraphrased) and explains
the following:
- The evil hide their motives with lies.
- Evil people want to appear to be good.
- When confronted by evil, the wisest and most secure adult will usually experience confusion.
- Evil seeks to discourage others to think for themselves (fosters dependency).
- To oppose evil we must have an ongoing dedication to reality at all cost.
I agree that to be mentally healthy we must believe what is true and only what is true.
After reading this book you will be better equipped to deal with people who cause strife and confusion.
It will also help you identify thought patterns where you are lying to yourself.
I would like to stress that what distinguish narcissists from other corporate psychopaths is an all-pervasive
pattern of self-promotion, need for admiration or adulation, sense of grandiosity (super competent,
super-diligent, super-workaholic, super-economical, etc). A false image that narcissist quite cleverly
projects is not unique trait and is typical for all types of corporate psychopaths. The key difference
is the amount of efforts spend on building and maintaining the image and, especially, the "cult of personality".
In a way narcissist can be defined as a psychopath preoccupied with building a false and often
grandiose self-image. Almost nothing can be spared in efforts to have people admire, applaud
and envy in order to create it.
Such bosses are so self-absorbed that they continually make excuses about the abuse they commit to
other people. Often quickly turning every story 180 degrees in the opposite direction and always claiming
being a victim when all signs clearly points to them as the perpetrator. Here is another review of the
same book (which actually points as the major flow of this book too):
Lisa Kerr (Charleston, West Virginia USA) -
See all my reviews
Psychological part, great. Superstition part, nope., August 29, 2014
Great description and examples of the malignant narcissist personality type. However, the second
half of the book essentially recommends curing these people with a type of prayer or exorcism.
That's nonsense. Pray if you like, and if it makes you feel better, but learn some realistic cognitive
behavioral techniques if you are trying to deal with an "evil" person (such as an abusive parent
or ex) or keep such people out of your life in the future.
And this type of bosses and this type of behaviour is now pandemic within corporations, as these
folks clamor and cling to power, money and title oblivious to the human carnage left.
Narcissistic managers are less likely to make major changes in their behavior than are managers with
other toxic issues. They are also particularly likely to become outraged and vindictive if someone challenges
their behavior. Therefore, when you are dealing with a manager who is rigid or aggressive, it is important
to determine whether narcissism or other disorders lie underneath their destructive behavior.
While according to Greek origin of the term a narcissist is a person in love with himself, in reality,
it is mostly the opposite. Narcissists suffer from the acute lack of self-respect. That's why
narcissism is frequently discussed as a type of depression. And that's why aggression, anger at any
threat to the image is the most valuable sign for diagnostics of narcissism.
So in a way this is mechanism of overcompensation of low self-esteem.
The overall pattern of narcissistic behavior is emotional instability and aggressive behavior caused
by insecurity and weakness rather than any real feelings of confidence or self-esteem.
Commentator John Hockenberry recently
linked narcissism and politics He hypothesized
that US politics is nothing but toxic mixture of nationalism and narcissism:
"Narcissism IS politics in America. What else can the world possibly think listening to our political
rhetoric... the constant invocations of being the greatest nation on earth, the greatest people,
the pinnacle of civilization, the divine custodians of all that is moral and free in the world?"
Similar views were expressed by Christopher Lasch in the book
The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations. When The Culture
of Narcissism was first published, it was clear that Christopher Lasch had identified an important trend
although he failed to attribute it to
neoliberal transformation of the
society (aka
Great
Transformation). Neoliberalism or casino capitalism as it often called lead to dramatic decay of
Christian values in American society, the decline of the communities, family and complete "atomization"
of the society. New neoliberal values along the lines of dog eats dog were enforced via compete dominance
of corporate media which allow to call black white and white black. That create an extremely favorable
environment for narcissists, especially in large transnational corporation. In a way it became
a required trait for the corporate brass. We can even talk about synergy of narcissism and neoliberalism.
The book quickly became a bestseller.
Despite being published in 1983 this book and his later book
The Revolt of the Elites and the Betrayal of Democracy are probably as relevant today as when they
were written. He did not understand that he essentially is writing about the process of conversion
of the USA into neoliberal society, but he aptly described its negative, destructive effects. The USA,
in Lasch's view, become a culture of narcissists to whom, as the author states, "the world
is a mirror, whereas the rugged individualist saw it as an empty wilderness to be shaped to his own
design."
Political and managerial elites who lack any sense of social and civic values and care only about
personal enrichment force this neoliberal transformation on the society. Reflecting on the rise of noncommittal
sexual hookups Lasch states that "the happy hooker stands in place of Horatio Alger as the prototype
of personal success." In other words the classic "rags to riches" story of a hardworking individual
has been replaced by the story of a person content with selling themselves to the highest bidder,
never really putting in the hard work required to succeed in life.
The media's promotion of narcissism under neoliberalism is like waves hitting the shore. It can wear
down even the strongest, and seems easily brainwash the majority. Probably more effectively the Chinese
communists ever were able to do. In a way both books are an indictment of neoliberalism as a cult, as
destructive for human relations social religion. It falls into a group of other books which share the
similar concerns such as Daniel Boorstin's "The Image: A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America," and Guy
Debord's "Society of the Spectacle"
While "narcissism" is psychological term, Lasch consider it is also a sociological category,
a "metaphor for the human condition". In this, larger context it means more than just lack of empathy,
a tendency toward manipulative actions and pretentious behavior, but also artificially created longing
to some "virtual reality", mass illusion fed by MSM and inability to face the truth. "People today
hunger not for personal salvation, but for the feeling, the momentary illusion, of personal well-being,
health, and psychic security".
This fixation on "Me and Mine" contributes to the dissolution of communities and relationships
under neoliberalism, which everybody feels as if we live highly individualized, atomized lives detached
from the concerns about others. "Personal liberation" (rallying slogan of radicalism in sixties ) tuned
to be a direct road to neoliberal slavery. Without using the word "neoliberalism" Christopher Lasch
explains under neoliberalism "The new elites, the professional classes in particular, regard the
masses with mingled scorn and apprehension." Much like narcissists regard their colleagues, subordinates
and family members. They are just tools, pawns to be sacrificed on the chessboard. Nothing more, nothing
less.
Here is a telling Amazon review:
J from NY (New York) -
(VINE VOICE)
See all my reviews
Me and Mine, October 12, 2014
Christopher Lasch's "The Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations"
is one of the more chillingly prescient books I've ever come across. At times it approaches the
power of an essay by Benjamin or Ernest Becker's "The Denial of Death".
Lasch's central thesis is that we are, paradoxically, a nation of "for me, by me, and ending
in I." The cult of celebrity and a baseless narcissism which ends in a useless self love and
terror of death has degenerated into the cult of individual celebrity as technology grows in power
and gives each person a mostly illusory voice on everything from what they had for breakfast to
international politics. People find the idea of living for other people repugnant and artists
from Jean Paul Sartre to Woody Allen have assured us time and time again that the central fact
of death is the only fact worth measuring anything by. In America the "the left believe they sing
songs of new social orders while what they actually sing are the birth pangs of death" while "Conservatives
unwittingly side with the social forces that contribute to the destruction of traditional values."
Inhabiting the rough terrain between the 60's and the beginning of Reaganoia, he occasionally
submits to the common temptation of blaming the horrifying superficiality and self hatred of our
culture on progressive politics, using Susan Stern (a member of the Weathermen) as a prime example
of what it means to be a "empty narcissist with a dark wet hole in place of a soul". (That there
ever was a left wing that had any sort of imposing presence of any kind is a sort of demented
solace now, and I'm sure he got that as the 80's continued.) But if these are not prophetic passages,
I've never understood the word:
"Our society, far from fostering private life at the expense of public life, has made deep
and lasting friendships, love affairs, and marriages increasingly difficult to achieve. As
social life becomes more and more warlike and barbaric, personal relations, which ostensibly
provide relief from these conditions, take on the character of combat."
"Success in our society has to be ratified by publicity. The tycoon who lives impersonal
obscurity, the empire builder who controls the destines of nations from behind the scenes,
are vanishing types. Even elective officials, ostensibly preoccupied with questions of
high policy, have to keep themselves constantly on view; all politics become a form of spectacle.
The modern prince does not much care "there's a job to be done"--the slogan of American capitalism
in a earlier ad more enterprising stage of its development, what interests him is that "relevant
audiences," in the language of the Pentagon Papers, have to be cajoled, won over, seduced."
"Both men and women have come to approach personal relations with heightened appreciation
of their emotional risks. Determined to manipulate the emotions of otherwise while protecting
themselves against emotional inure, both sexes cultivate a protective shallowness, a cynical
detachment they do not altogether feel but which soon become habitual and in any case embitters
personal relations merely through its repeated profession. Yet at the sometime, people demand
from personal relations the richness and intensity of a religious experience."
Now there are TV shows about TV shows; massive websites which barely have to ask the user to
advertise themselves and sell all their personal information at the cost of, well, pretty much
everything; irony has become the norm and not the exception in art. Even the pretension toward
spiritual values is a matter of mockery.
There is pretty much not a thing Lasch missed in the progress of this psychological tendency
which is now a way of life practically unknown to it's victims. Where he lays the blame, however,
is very surprising -- extreme progressive politics. He fears Fromm's critique of society and one
even gets the sense that he believed the middle class (when it really existed) was getting a little
big for it's britches.
American culture always used propaganda and narcissism as a tool to bolster a love affair
between person and psyche; did Lasch read Dale Carnegie's "How To Win Friends and Influence
People"? Or any of the ever increasing novels that glorified "the enterprising age" of capitalism
written in the 40's and 50's?
The implicit and very clear message of much economic behavior since the beginning of our nation
was neatly summed up with a three word phrase: "Me and Mine". If it weren't for his conveniently
conservative shortsightedness on these subjects, I couldn't give this book enough stars.
And it's not that the culture of of competitive individualism is dying. It is that
neoliberalim inject narcissism
as a method to keeping 1% of population rich and the other 99% struggling. Most of MSM brainwashing
is devoted precisely to a campaign against shame and guilt, the object of which is to make people "feel
good about themselves" while hurting other people.
Steven H Propp (Sacramento, CA USA) -
See all my reviews
(TOP 100 REVIEWER)
IS THE "CULTURE OF COMPETITIVE INDIVIDUALISM" DYING?, August 16, 2013
Christopher Lasch (1932-1994) was a historian and professor at the University of Rochester. This
1979 book won the National Book Award in the "Current Interest" category. He wrote in the Preface,
"Much could be written about the signs of new life in the United States. This book, however, describes
a way of life that is dying---the culture of competitive individualism, which in its decadence
has carried the logic of individualism to the extreme of a war of all against all, the pursuit
of happiness to the dead end of a narcissistic preoccupation with the self." (Pg. 21) He adds,
"The narcissist has no interest in the future because, in part, he has so little interst in the
past... the devaluation of the past has become one of the most important symptoms of the cultural
crisis to which this book addresses itself, often drawing on historical experience to explain
what is wrong with our present arrangements. A denial of the past, superficially progressive and
optimistic, proves on closer analysis to embody the dispair of a society that cannot face the
future." (Pg. 23, 25-26)He states, "As social life becomes more and more warlike and barbaric,
personal relations... take on the character of combat. Some of the new therapies dignify this
combat as 'assertiveness' and 'fighting fair in love and marriage.' Others celebrate impermanent
attachments under such formulas as 'open marriage' and 'open-ended commitments.' Thus they intensify
the disease they pretend to cure. They do this... by obscuring the social origins of the suffering...
that is painfully but falsely experienced as purely personal and private." (Pg. 69-70)
He says, "Vaguely uneasy about the emotional response evoked by competitive sports, the critics
of 'passive' spectatorship wish to enlist sport in the service of healthy physical exercise, subduing
or eliminating the element of fantasy, make-believe, and play-acting that has always been associated
with games. The demand for greater participation, like the distrust of competition, seems to originate
in a fear that unconscious impulses will overwhelm us if we allow them expression." (Pg. 194)
He suggests, "the decline of literacy cannot be attributed solely to the failure of the educational
system. Schools in modern society serve largely to train people for work, but most of the available
jobs, even in the higher economic range, no longer require a high level of technical or intellectual
competence. Indeed most jobs consist so largely of routine, and depend so little on enterprise
and resourcefulness, that anyone who successfully completes a given course of study soon finds
himself 'overqualified' for most of the positions available. The deterioration of the educational
system thus reflects the waning social demand for initiative, enterprise, and the compulsion to
achieve." (Pg. 223-224)
He concludes, "more and more people find themselves disqualified... from the performance of
adult responsibilities and become dependent on some form of medical authority. The psychological
expression of this dependence is narcissism. In its pathological form, narcissism originates as
a defense against feelings of helpless dependency in early life, which it tries to counter with
'blind optimism' and grandiose illusions of personal self-sufficiency." (Pg. 389)
A bit "dated," this book neverless may interest those looking for "social critiques" with a
historical perspective.
And other interesting review of the took that touches the similar theme:
A Certain Bibliophile (San Antonio, Texas) -
See all my reviewsA Nineteenth-Century Problem Made Manifest, February 15, 2013
Christopher Lasch's "The Culture of Narcissism" was originally published in 1979, and has been
a major cynosure of cultural and social criticism ever since. English literary critic Frank Kermode
called it, not inaccurately, a "hellfire sermon." It is a wholesale indictment of contemporary
American culture. It also happens to fall into a group of other books which share the same body
of concerns that I have been working my way through, or around, in recent months: Daniel Boorstin's
"The Image: A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America," Guy Debord's "Society of the Spectacle," Philip
Rieff's entire corpus (especially "Charisma," but also his earlier work on Freud), and even the
book I'm currently reading, Tony Judt's "Ill Fares the Land."All of these books discuss some
aspect of social anomie, loss of community, and subsequent feelings of dissolution. This isn't
by any means a new debate; in the field of sociology, it dates at least as far back as Ferdinand
Tonnies' distinction between gemeinschaft and gesellschaft, a distinction that was almost a prerequisite
for the invention of modernism.
First, a note on the word "narcissism." It was formerly a clinical term to diagnose the individual,
but has "gone global" - or at least national. Lasch doesn't really mean for the term to be a diagnosis
in the clinical sense, but rather a "metaphor for the human condition" in contemporary times.
In his argot, the word means much more than just lack of empathy, a tendency toward manipulative
actions and pretentious behavior. "People today hunger not for personal salvation, let alone for
the restoration of an earlier golden age, but for the feeling, the momentary illusion, of personal
well-being, health, and psychic security" (p. 7). Lasch is more interested in the dissolution
of communities and relationships that makes us feel as if we live highly individualized, atomized
lives detached from the concerns of others. The book spells out the ways in which these patterns
are positively correlated with the rise of materialism, technologism, "personal liberation" (those
bywords of sixties radicalism) and nominal egalitarianism.
His few words on contemporary corporate America will strike anyone who has ever worked in one
of these organizational hellscapes: he states that corporate bureaucracies "put a premium on the
manipulation of interpersonal relations, discourage the formation of deep personal attachments
and at the same time provide the narcissist with the approval he needs in order to validate his
self-esteem."
A la Debord, the politics of narcissism become more about "managing impressions" and "human
relations" more than actually solving problems, citing Kennedy's disaster at the Bay of Pigs as
an example. To steal from the language of yet another late French thinker, it's all about the
simulacra. In a chapter called "The Degradation of Sport," he notes that enormous amounts of corporate
money have turned athletes into mere entertainers to be sold to the most prestigious sports syndicate.
The central concept of the sporting even - the agon, the contest - has been displaced in order
to sell products and personalities who will invariably be with the team for only a short time.
Lasch's political affiliations are sometimes interestingly and tellingly misconstrued. Though
often criticized for being a reactionary conservative simply because he points to the radicalism
of the sixties as one of the desiderata under consideration, Lasch's analysis is self-consciously
informed by both Marx and Freud, two figures hardly recognized for being popularly co-opted by
various brands of twentieth-century conservatism. Those who believe that Lasch is a blind ideologue
on other side of the spectrum need to read him again: he explicitly faults both the right for
their veneration of the market's "invisible hand" and the left for their cultural progressivism.
Lasch is in politics, above all else, a democratic humanist.
He writes in the Afterword, "The best defenses against the terrors of existence are the homely
comforts of love, work, and family life, which connect us to a world that is independent of our
wishes yet responsive to our needs. It is through love and work, as Freud noted ... that we exchange
crippling emotional conflict for ordinary unhappiness." It might not sound like a prognosis abounding
in optimism, but it drips with the sincerity of an honest, heartfelt critic of American culture.
Lasch's last question was an important one: can a society survive when the neoliberal elite abandoned
the idea of the country and increasingly operates as a global force? Neoliberalism have created unprecedented
wealth for the financial oligarchy, or .01% of population, but as the 2008 financial meltdown and the
2010
Flash Crash have shown us all too well made both the global economy much more volatile and society
unstable. The problem is that under neoliberalm the entire system rests on values are destructive to
the society as a whole: individualism, efficiency, consumption. Furthermore, neoliberal regime
has repressed values that increase stability of the society: sustainability, community, cooperation,
generosity, patience. If psychological, social, economic, and ecological meltdowns are to be avoided,
we need get rid of neoliberalism. As an educator, I would like to think that this process
might begin in the classroom. Unfortunately, neoliberalism transformed and poisoned university education
too.
Another interesting insight in behaviour of narcissistic bosses stems from viewing them as addicts.
And they are often sex addicts. In any case they really demonstrate some commonality with narcoaddicts,
for example heroin addicts:
- Lying or other deceptive behavior
- Avoiding eye contact, or distant field of vision
- Withdrawal from friends and family.
- Hostile behaviors toward loved ones, including blaming them for withdrawal or broken commitments
Cocaine addicts also typically demonstrate strong narcissistic traits (Impulsive decisions,
Increased sociability, including talkativeness or good humor, becoming angry without a good cause, mood
swings).
It can be well that addiction creates a kind of induced narcissism. Both the narcissist and the addict
are first and foremost self absorbed. See also
Narcissism In A Bottle The Self-Centeredness Of Addiction Dr. Tian Dayton
As narcissists are often sex addicts, narcissist managers represent direct danger to female subordinates,
such as secretaries due to their propensity to seduce. To seduce just to prove that they can. The other
person is just a tool designed to increase their self-word, another "conquest". Paradoxically this is
also true for females, which also are often sex addicts in their own right and like to "collect trophies".
While people typically view seduction narrowly as purely sexual in nature, but actually the concept
is wider then that. Wikipedia gives the following definition:
Seduction is the process of deliberately enticing a person, to lead astray, as from duty,
rectitude, or the like; to corrupt,
to persuade or induce to engage in
sexual behaviour.
The word seduction stems from Latin
and means literally "to lead astray". As a result, the term may have a positive or negative connotation.
Famous seducers from history or legend include
Lilith,
Giacomo Casanova and
the fictional character Don Juan.
Seduction as a phenomenon is not the subject of scientific interest, although similar, more specific
terms like short-term mating,
casual sex or mating strategies are used in
evolutionary psychology.[1]
The Internet enabled the existence
of a seduction community
which is based on pseudoscientific
discourse on seduction.
Seduction, seen negatively, involves
temptation and enticement,
often sexual in nature, to lead someone astray into a behavioral choice they would not have made
if they were not in a state of
sexual arousal. Seen positively,
seduction is a synonym for the act of charming someone — male or female — by an appeal to the senses,
often with the goal of reducing unfounded fears and leading to their "sexual emancipation"
Which most commonly is discussed in the context of Narcissism, but has much wider applicability.
See Classic cycle of sociopathic relations
(idealize-seduce-devalue-discard)
Here is one interesting review of the book
Emotional Blackmail When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You.
I found on Amazon. Please note that Sam Valkin is an author of book on Narcissism and being himself
a narcissist tends to exaggerate things. But I think he is right about tendency to sadism, which is
often observed among narcissists:
Sam Vaknin "author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (Skopje, Macedonia)
-
See all my reviews
The Guilt of the Abused,
November 23, 2003This book describes insightfully the dance macabre that is the abuser-victim
dyad. Self-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with a narcissist (and
a choice it is). Constant guilt feelings, self-reproach, self-recrimination and, thus -- self-punishment
typify the relationships formed between the sadist-narcissist and the masochistic-dependent
mate or partner.
The narcissist projects his inner turmoil and drags everyone around him into a swirl
of bitterness, suspiciousness, meanness, aggression and pettiness. His life is a reflection
of his psychological landscape: barren, paranoiac, tormented, guilt ridden. He feels compelled
to do unto others what he perpetrates unto himself. He gradually transforms all around him into
replicas of his conflictive, punishing personality structures.
Some narcissists are more subtle than others. They disguise their sadism. For instance,
they "educate" their nearest and dearest (for their sake, as they present it). This
"education" is compulsive, obsessive, incessantly, harshly and unduly critical. Its effect is
to erode the subject, to humiliate, to create dependence, to intimidate, to restrain, to control,
to paralyze.
The narcissist deliberately confuses responsibility with guilt and demands compensation for
his or her "sacrifices". By provoking guilt in responsibility-laden situations, the narcissist
transforms life with him into a constant trial.
The narcissist-victim dyad is a conspiracy, a collusion of victim and mental tormentor, a collaboration
of two needy people who find solace and supply in each other's deviations. Only by breaking loose,
by aborting the game, by ignoring the rules - can the victim be transformed (and by the way, acquire
the newly found appreciation of the narcissist).
The narcissist's partner should not feel guilty or responsible and should not seek to change
what only time (not even therapy) and (difficult) circumstances may change. She should not strive
to please and to appease, to be and not to be, to barely survive as a superposition of pain and
fear.
Releasing herself from the chains of guilt and from the throes of a debilitating relationship
- is the best help that a loving mate can provide to her ailing narcissistic partner. Sam Vaknin,
“A current pejorative adjective is narcissistic. Generally, a narcissist is anyone better looking
than you are, but lately the adjective is often applied to those "liberals" who prefer to improve the
lives of others rather than exploit them. Apparently, a concern for others is self-love at its least
attractive, while greed is now a sign of the highest altruism. But then to reverse, periodically, the
meanings of words is a very small price to pay for our vast freedom not only to conform but to consume.”
― Gore Vidal, Point to Point Navigation
L'Oreal's slogan 'because you're worth it' has come to epitomize banal narcissism of early 21st century
capitalism; easy indulgence and effortless self-love all available at a flick of the credit card. ―
Geoff Mulgan
“The 'Selfie Stick' has to top the list for what best defines narcissism in society today.”
― Alex Morritt
There's a definition of narcissism that when a parent is narcissistic, instead of the child seeing
himself reflected in the mother's face and the mother's joy, the child of the narcissistic parent feels
like, 'What can I do to make her okay, to make her happy?' -- Susan Sullivan
All of nationalism can be understood as a kind of collective narcissism. -- Geoff Mulgan
“Narcissists have poor self-esteem, but they are typically very successful. They feel entitled; they’re
self-important; they crave admiration and lack empathy. They are also exploitative and envious. The
malignant types never forget a slight. They may kill you ten years later for cutting them off in traffic.
But they act perfectly normal while plotting their revenge.” ― Janet M. Tavakoli
“This story ["The Depressed Person"] was the most painful thing I ever wrote. It's about narcissism,
which is a part of depression. The character has traits of myself. I really lost friends while writing
on that story, I became ugly and unhappy and just yelled at people. The cruel thing with depression
is that it's such a self-centered illness - Dostoevsky shows that pretty good in his "Notes from Underground".
The depression is painful, you're sapped/consumed by yourself; the worse the depression, the more you
just think about yourself and the stranger and repellent you appear to others.” ― David Foster
Wallace
“The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one's narcissism. The narcissistic
orientation is one in which one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself, while the
phenomena in the outside world have no reality in themselves, but are experienced only from the viewpoint
of their being useful or dangerous to one. The opposite pole to narcissism is objectivity; it is the
faculty to see other people and things as they are, objectively, and to be able to separate this objective
picture from a picture which is formed by one's desires and fears.” ― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
“I think writers are the most narcissistic people. Well, I musn't say this, I like many of them,
a great many of my friends are writers.”
― Sylvia Plath
“Stay away from lazy parasites, who perch on you just to satisfy their needs, they do not come to
alleviate your burdens, hence, their mission is to distract, detract and extract, and make you live
in abject poverty.”
― Michael Bassey Johnson
“The faculty to think objectively is reason; the emotional attitude behind reason is that of humility.
To be objective, to use one's reason, is possible only if one has achieved an attitude of humility,
if one has emerged from the dreams of omniscience and omnipotence which one has as a child. Love, being
dependent on the relative absence of narcissism, requires the developement of humility, objectivity
and reason.
I must try to see the difference between my picture of a person and his behavior, as it is narcissistically
distorted, and the person's reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears.”
― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving
“For the most part people are not curious except about themselves.”
― John Steinbeck, The Winter of Our Discontent
“Often the narcissist believes that other people are "faking it", leveraging emotional displays to
achieve a goal. He is convinced that their ostensible "feelings" are grounded in ulterior, non-emotional
motives. Faced with other people's genuine emotions, the narcissist becomes suspicious and embarrassed.
He feels compelled to avoid emotion-tinged situations, or worse, experiences surges of almost uncontrollable
aggression in the presence of expressed sentiments. They remind him how imperfect he is and how poorly
equipped.” ― Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited
“The sadistic narcissist perceives himself as Godlike, ruthless and devoid of scruples, capricious
and unfathomable, emotion-less and non-sexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omni-present, a plague, a
devastation, an inescapable verdict.”
― Sam Vaknin
“Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with an intoxicating
sensation of omnipotence.”
― Sam Vaknin, Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited
“When the healthy pursuit of self-interest and self-realization turns into self-absorption, other
people can lose their intrinsic value in our eyes and become mere means to the fulfillment of our needs
and desires.”
― P.M. Forni, The Civility Solution: What to Do When People Are Rude
The silent killer of all great men and women of achievement - particularly men, I don't know why,
maybe it's the testosterone - I think it's narcissism. Even more than hubris. And for women, too. Narcissism
is the killer. -- James Woods
Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one of a group
that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities. But by most
measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists themselves are so clueless.
Jeffrey Kluger
If we weren't born with anti-social passions - narcissism, envy, lust, meanness, greed, hunger for
power, just to name the more obvious - why the need for so many laws, whether religious or secular,
that govern behavior? -- Dennis Prager
Since narcissism is fueled by a greater need to be admired than to be liked, psychologists might
use that fact as a therapeutic lever - stressing to patients that being known as a narcissist will actually
cause them to lose the respect and social status they crave. -- Jeffrey Kluger
The great accomplishment of Jobs's life is how effectively he put his idiosyncrasies - his petulance,
his narcissism, and his rudeness - in the service of perfection. -- Malcolm Gladwell
I doubt there's anything you could say to Donald Rumsfeld that would puncture the armor of his narcissism.
-- Phil Klay
I think a lot of self-importance is a product of fear. And fear, living in sort of an un-self-examined
fear-based life, tends to lead to narcissism and self-importance. -- Moby
Individualism. Narcissism. Value-free choices. These are all key elements in the decline of the practice
of mutual accountability in Western churches, among clergy and laity alike. -- David Augsburger
“Half of the people lie with their lips; the other half with their tears” ― Nassim Nicholas Taleb
“so often victims end up unnecessarily prolonging their abuse because they buy into the notion that
their abuser must be coming from a wounded place and that only patient love and tolerance (and lots
of misguided therapy) will help them heal.” ― George K. Simon
Narcissistic personalities
have been well
represented in Hollywood production. Most
of them have
been striking and
easily identified as
the typical arrogant
or psychopathic narcissistic
type, such as
Michael Caine's portrayal
of Graham Marshall
in Shock to
the System, Charles
Boyer's portrayal of
Gregory Anton in
Gaslight, and Roy
Scheider's portrayal of
Joseph Gideon (a.k.a.
Bob Fosse) in
All That Jazz.
Two French
films Read
My Lips, by
Jacques Audiard, staring
Emmanuelle Devos and
Vincent Cassel, and
The Piano Teacher,
by Michael Haneke (from
a novel by
Elfride Jelinek) starring
Isabelle Huppert and
Benoit Magimel, beautifully
portray the shy
narcissistic personality.
Carla Bhem (actress
Emmanuelle Devos in
Read My Lips),
a lonely, hearing-impaired,
stress-sensitive, underpaid,
and badly treated
office manager with
an exceptional capacity
to read lips,
surprises the audience
with her interpersonal
control, personal impact,
and capacity for
vengefulness.
Erika Kohut (in
The Piano Teacher,
played by Isabelle
Huppert), a sensitive but
stoic and perfectionist
music professor and
pianist, shows amazing
cruelty and
sadomasochistic demeanor toward
her students as
the piano teacher
and toward her
intrusive and controlling
mother with whom
she lives and
shares a bedroom.
We follow the
encounters between these
women and their
male partners—Paul,
an unskilled office
aid just released
from jail, and
Walter, an exceptionally
handsome and gifted
piano student.
Extracted mainly from
Narcissistic Abuse Movies about Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Jobs. this a movie about high functioning narcissist.
- The Devil
Wears Prada
- The Wizard of Oz is often discussed as the classic tale symbolizing narcissism. The entire
movie can be analyzed within the framework of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder.
-
Scarlett O’Hara is a total narcissist in this classic tale.
- Lolita. Adrian
Lyne interpretation of Nabokov
Lolita where the main character professor Humbert Humbert is definitely a malignant narcissist,
while his victim Lolita displays some traits of a female sociopath -- may be induced by the trauma.
It's extremely frightening for me how people react to it and actually begin
to blame the little girl merely based on the stepfather's perspective. So I think Humbert Humbert
did a great job being one of the biggest narcissists ever.
- Gaslight is the movie that that might be useful for anyone dealing with or recovering
from a narcissist. Gaslight is an award winning psychological thriller that so clearly demonstrates
gaslighting techniques and the devastating results it can have on a person.
- The Sopranos. David Chase created this HBO TV series that ran from 1997 to 2007. He was
inspired to create a storyline about a mobster seeing a therapist because of problems with his mother.
David relied heavily on his relationship with his own allegedly narcissistic personality disordered
mother when creating the roles for the series.
- Alfie is about a narcissistic womanazer.
Extracted mainly from
Narcissistic Abuse Movies about Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder
-
August Osage County which stars Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts. Meryl Streep
gives a great performance as a narcissistic mother. The movie is available on Netflix.
- "I felt like I was watching my own family. "
- "It was the first movie I'd seen about a narcissistic parent after realizing I had one myself.
It weird/fascinating/difficult/amusing to watch. So many emotions."
-
Mommie Dearest. This is another must see for daughters of narcissistic mothers. Mommie Dearest
is a movie adult sons and daughters of narcissistic personality disordered mothers often relate well
to. It is often spoken of as a chillingly accurate account of what it is like growing up in such
an environment.
-
White Oleander. White Oleander stars Michelle Pfieffer, Renee Wellzeger and Robin Wright
Penn, with Michelle Pfieffer doing an amazing job of playing the narcissistic mother, Ingrid.
-
Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story. This movie chronicles a real life high profile
murder case that divided public opinion and ended in a hung jury after the first trial. Meredith
Baxter received an Emmy for her top notch portrayal of Betty. There are so many videos about it on
YouTube
-
Terms of Endearment. Terms of Endearment is a 1983 movie starring narcissistic Shirley McClain
and Debra Winger as mother and daughter. Shirley McClain won an Oscar for her performance portraying
this narcissistic mother.
-
Sybil. This movie was remade in 2007, but Sally Field is amazing in her performance as Sybil
in the 1976 film. Sybil is a shy, unassuming school teacher who suffers a breakdown. This leads her
to see a psychiatrist, Wilbur. As the movie progresses, various other personalities of Sybil's introduce
themselves to Wilbur. Wilbur traces the multiple personalities to childhood abuse Sybil suffered
at the hands of her mother. Wilbur locates Sybil's father who confirms Hattie, Sybil's mother, was
diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. However, he denies Sybil was ever abused. Such gaslighting
is typical behavior in toxic, dysfunctional families. It displays how Sybil's abuse, perceptions
and memories are invalidated.
-
Now, Voyager. Charlotte Vale (Bette Davis) is an unattractive, overweight, repressed spinster
whose life is dominated by her dictatorial mother (Gladys Cooper), an aristocratic Boston dowager
whose verbal and emotional abuse of her daughter has contributed to the woman's complete lack of
self-confidence.
-
Precious
- "I think the abusive mother in the movie, Precious, is exactly like my narcissistic mother."
- AlexJanuary 21, 2016 at 8:09 AM
Although my situation was different, I really thought Precious hit the nail on the head
for the abusive mother. And I agree with you Gail: my mom was nice in between too, to draw
me back in!!! AND to have the joy of being close to me as she consoled me from the abuse SHE
caused! EEEEEK THE ILLNESS!!! My heart went out to Precious.
-
Ordinary People
-
Black Swan, where Natalie Portman's mother is a narcissist and tries to sabotage her daughter's
success.
-
The Fighter, Melissa Leo plays Mark Wahlberg's mother. Mark Wahlberg is the scapegoat child
while Christian Bale is the golden child. The mother uses her daughters as flying monkeys to attack
Mark Wahlberg's girlfriend (Amy Adams) who is standing up for Wahlberg.
- Ever
After: A Cinderella Story. The wicked stepmother (Anjelica Huston) is obviously a narcissist.
What's interesting is the way the step-sisters are portrayed. One step-sister is the golden child
and is clearly a narcissist in the making. She keeps her cool composure in front of an audience,
but when she realizes Danielle/Cinderella (Drew Barrymore) is her competition she throws a huge fit
in front of the Queen, no longer able to keep the mask on
-
Interiors by Woody Allen
-
Dodsworth starring Walter Huston. Classic!
-
We Need To Talk About Kevin - Tilda Swinton puts in an amazing performance.
-
The Grifters is a 1990 crime movie with a narcissistic mother. Angelica Huston plays
the mother to John Cusak. Huston is controlling and seductive towards his son, and she attempts to
sabotage his relationship with a new girlfriend. Very good movie, btw, nominated for 4 Oscars.
-
Baby the Rain Must Fall, with Steve McQueen. Destruction of the scapegoat son.
-
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood Starring
Sandra Bullock, Ellen McRae, Fionnula Flanagan, James Garne In that story, you see the narc
mom's backstory... Her own narc mom. But I sure felt for Sandra Bullock's character.
-
Big Eyes, by Tim Burton
-
Tangled
Starring
Mandy Moore, Zachary Levi, Donna Murphy, Ron Perlman, M.C. Gainey, Jeffrey Tambor, Brad Garrett,
Paul F. T
- Disney presents a new twist on one of the most hilarious and hair-raising tales ever told.
Your whole family will get tangled up in the fun, excitement and adventure of this magical motion
picture. When the kingdom's most wanted - and most charming - bandit Flynn Rider hides in a mysterious
tower, the last thing he expects to find is Rapunzel, a spirited teen with an unlikely superpower
- 70 feet of magical golden hair! Together, the unlikely duo sets off on a fantastic journey filled
with surprising heroes, laughter and suspense.
Let your hair down and get ready to cheer for "Tangled." Bursting with never-before-seen bonus
features, it's even more enchanting on Blu-ray Hi-Def.
-
Like Water For Chocolate A beautiful foreign film. Tragic love story of narcissistic mother
with accomplice. and golden child sister.
TV Shows:
- House (Dr. House)
- Arrested Development (Lucille Bluth)
- Wall Street (Gordon Gekko)
- It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (pretty much the whole main cast)
Also, here is a blog post with a bunch of film recommendations.
Here are some other collections
Softpanorama Recommended
Society
Groupthink :
Two Party System
as Polyarchy :
Corruption of Regulators :
Bureaucracies :
Understanding Micromanagers
and Control Freaks : Toxic Managers :
Harvard Mafia :
Diplomatic Communication
: Surviving a Bad Performance
Review : Insufficient Retirement Funds as
Immanent Problem of Neoliberal Regime : PseudoScience :
Who Rules America :
Neoliberalism
: The Iron
Law of Oligarchy :
Libertarian Philosophy
Quotes
War and Peace
: Skeptical
Finance : John
Kenneth Galbraith :Talleyrand :
Oscar Wilde :
Otto Von Bismarck :
Keynes :
George Carlin :
Skeptics :
Propaganda : SE
quotes : Language Design and Programming Quotes :
Random IT-related quotes :
Somerset Maugham :
Marcus Aurelius :
Kurt Vonnegut :
Eric Hoffer :
Winston Churchill :
Napoleon Bonaparte :
Ambrose Bierce :
Bernard Shaw :
Mark Twain Quotes
Bulletin:
Vol 25, No.12 (December, 2013) Rational Fools vs. Efficient Crooks The efficient
markets hypothesis :
Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2013 :
Unemployment Bulletin, 2010 :
Vol 23, No.10
(October, 2011) An observation about corporate security departments :
Slightly Skeptical Euromaydan Chronicles, June 2014 :
Greenspan legacy bulletin, 2008 :
Vol 25, No.10 (October, 2013) Cryptolocker Trojan
(Win32/Crilock.A) :
Vol 25, No.08 (August, 2013) Cloud providers
as intelligence collection hubs :
Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 :
Inequality Bulletin, 2009 :
Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 :
Copyleft Problems
Bulletin, 2004 :
Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 :
Energy Bulletin, 2010 :
Malware Protection Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 26,
No.1 (January, 2013) Object-Oriented Cult :
Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2011 :
Vol 23, No.11 (November, 2011) Softpanorama classification
of sysadmin horror stories : Vol 25, No.05
(May, 2013) Corporate bullshit as a communication method :
Vol 25, No.06 (June, 2013) A Note on the Relationship of Brooks Law and Conway Law
History:
Fifty glorious years (1950-2000):
the triumph of the US computer engineering :
Donald Knuth : TAoCP
and its Influence of Computer Science : Richard Stallman
: Linus Torvalds :
Larry Wall :
John K. Ousterhout :
CTSS : Multix OS Unix
History : Unix shell history :
VI editor :
History of pipes concept :
Solaris : MS DOS
: Programming Languages History :
PL/1 : Simula 67 :
C :
History of GCC development :
Scripting Languages :
Perl history :
OS History : Mail :
DNS : SSH
: CPU Instruction Sets :
SPARC systems 1987-2006 :
Norton Commander :
Norton Utilities :
Norton Ghost :
Frontpage history :
Malware Defense History :
GNU Screen :
OSS early history
Classic books:
The Peter
Principle : Parkinson
Law : 1984 :
The Mythical Man-Month :
How to Solve It by George Polya :
The Art of Computer Programming :
The Elements of Programming Style :
The Unix Hater’s Handbook :
The Jargon file :
The True Believer :
Programming Pearls :
The Good Soldier Svejk :
The Power Elite
Most popular humor pages:
Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society :
Ten Commandments
of the IT Slackers Society : Computer Humor Collection
: BSD Logo Story :
The Cuckoo's Egg :
IT Slang : C++ Humor
: ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? :
The Perl Purity Test :
Object oriented programmers of all nations
: Financial Humor :
Financial Humor Bulletin,
2008 : Financial
Humor Bulletin, 2010 : The Most Comprehensive Collection of Editor-related
Humor : Programming Language Humor :
Goldman Sachs related humor :
Greenspan humor : C Humor :
Scripting Humor :
Real Programmers Humor :
Web Humor : GPL-related Humor
: OFM Humor :
Politically Incorrect Humor :
IDS Humor :
"Linux Sucks" Humor : Russian
Musical Humor : Best Russian Programmer
Humor : Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church
: Richard Stallman Related Humor :
Admin Humor : Perl-related
Humor : Linus Torvalds Related
humor : PseudoScience Related Humor :
Networking Humor :
Shell Humor :
Financial Humor Bulletin,
2011 : Financial
Humor Bulletin, 2012 :
Financial Humor Bulletin,
2013 : Java Humor : Software
Engineering Humor : Sun Solaris Related Humor :
Education Humor : IBM
Humor : Assembler-related Humor :
VIM Humor : Computer
Viruses Humor : Bright tomorrow is rescheduled
to a day after tomorrow : Classic Computer
Humor
The Last but not Least Technology is dominated by
two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt.
Ph.D
Copyright © 1996-2021 by Softpanorama Society. www.softpanorama.org
was initially created as a service to the (now defunct) UN Sustainable Development Networking Programme (SDNP)
without any remuneration. This document is an industrial compilation designed and created exclusively
for educational use and is distributed under the Softpanorama Content License.
Original materials copyright belong
to respective owners. Quotes are made for educational purposes only
in compliance with the fair use doctrine.
FAIR USE NOTICE This site contains
copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically
authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available
to advance understanding of computer science, IT technology, economic, scientific, and social
issues. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such
copyrighted material as provided by section 107 of the US Copyright Law according to which
such material can be distributed without profit exclusively for research and educational purposes.
This is a Spartan WHYFF (We Help You For Free)
site written by people for whom English is not a native language. Grammar and spelling errors should
be expected. The site contain some broken links as it develops like a living tree...
Disclaimer:
The statements, views and opinions presented on this web page are those of the author (or
referenced source) and are
not endorsed by, nor do they necessarily reflect, the opinions of the Softpanorama society. We do not warrant the correctness
of the information provided or its fitness for any purpose. The site uses AdSense so you need to be aware of Google privacy policy. You you do not want to be
tracked by Google please disable Javascript for this site. This site is perfectly usable without
Javascript.
Last updated: May 28, 2020
