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An obvious benefit of traveling to Ukraine is that as a US or EU citizen you don’t need a visa in case you are planning to stay for less than 90 days within a 6 month period (180-days). Should you exceed this limitation you can get a work permit along with a temporary residence permit.

Kiev is one of the most beautiful European cities.  It has several interesting landmarks, good food and reasonably rich cultural life (several theaters, opera house, Classic music concert hall (called "Philharmonic"), etc. 

Flights from USA include non-stop flights are performed only by  a single Ukrainian airline from NYC (JFK). Service is OK (they will take from you additional $50 if you do not register on their Web site before the flight as a welcome gesture ;-)  It's ten hours flight is you do not have delays.

Otherwise you need to fly to one of European cities (Germany, France, GB) and then from it to Kiev.  Using German Lufthansa (with change in Frankfurt; it's a big airport and you need at least 2h between flights; also Germans are not always on schedule for the back flight) airlines is a possibility but less convenient.  In case you miss the flight to the USA in your way back you will be offered another one and usually without additional fee if the delay was doe to airline but possible to a different airport (Newark airport instead of JFK or vise versa).

Group tours are very comfortable and usually well served. As for individual tourist you have two options:

Subway station announcements include an English version too, so traveling subway without knowing the language is easy.

Google maps provide street view for Kiev since 2012.

Ukraine cell phone providers are mainly GSM and you need a  four bands GSM phone to use a SIM card from a Ukrainian providers. Access to Goggle maps from the smartphone is must and you need to have al least 5" phone. Google marks your travel path, so that can't be lost.  And you can see you previous day travel as well.  This is the case when surveillance maniacs in Google actually do a useful job ;-)

SIM cards are very cheap (50GR ~$2-$3) and local phone calls are very cheap too. One of the leading UA Internet provider Kievstar ( has  unlimited Internet access service via 2G for  2.5GR per day (my data are rather old) May be now 3G is adequate for your purposes.  By default Internet is available on 2G bands, but you need to pay extra for 3G bands (and they are different then in the USA), usually using a second SIM card and a different provider. 3G access is more expensive and charged by kilobyte (0.05 per kilobyte or 50GR per gigabyte). G3 enabled tablets such as A3000-H with 3G works Work (around 1900 GR in Eldorado and Foxtrot). So this is an option as such tablet is useful outside Ukraine too and is of good quality.  If you have laptop and do not have WiFi access you can buy internet modem  (540 GR) and get service via it. The shop will configure it for you.

Free for customers WI-FI is available in most cafés and many fast food restaurants including all McDonalds.  Several of them are available in the center (and several are close to subway stations with one near the right bank the Deeper River  (subway station Poshtova Ploshcha which I would recommend). You can walk near the bank of the river after the mean, which is a plus. The other one  I visited in the past is near a huge the USA-style mall on subway station Lybitska. Google will show them to you. This one is convenient,  if you forgot some item and want to buy it as prices are less then in malls in the center (where prices are often way too high.)

Souvenirs are typically bought from small vendors at Andreevski Spusk street.   But you can buy them at major supermarkets too but  probably need pay a little bit more.  Much depends on what you want.

Bathrooms locations in the center are marked. Several; are un underground passes under the Independence square and the mall, and one is near subway state Khreshchatyk. Those that are not in the mall require small fee something  like  fifty cents. You might benefit from carrying your own  tissue. As most charge you some small fee and are clean.  Most café and fast food outlets also have them for customers and often are of better quality.   

Security, scams and corruption

Kiev is a safe city. IMHO safer then NYC, or Miami. And definitely safer then Chicago ;-) 

As foreigners are  lucrative targets in this very poor country, there are of course professional thieves and scammers that  specialize on tourists, but if you exercise elementary caution you are OK. I never experienced problems despite visiting Ukraine many times the last decade to two. Two personal tips:

Generally you should follow your embassy advice. For example from  GOV.UK


Most visitors to Ukraine experience no difficulties. Serious crime against foreigners is relatively rare, but incidents do occur. In some cases attacks have been racially motivated. Travellers of Asian or Afro-Caribbean descent and individuals belonging to religious minorities should take extra care.

You should report any incidents to the police by dialling 102. A list of local translators is available on the British Embassy website.

Be alert to the possibility of street crime and petty theft, which is on the increase in Kyiv. Foreigners may appear to be lucrative targets. Where possible, avoid walking alone late at night in dark or poorly lit streets. Keep valuables and cash safe and out of sight, especially in crowded areas, tourist spots, and public transport, where pickpockets and bag snatchers operate.

A common scam is to drop a wallet or bundle of money in front of a tourist. The criminal then “finds” the money and asks if it is the tourist’s or offers to share the money with them. If you are approached in this way, you should walk away without engaging in conversation.

Don’t lose sight of your credit cards during transactions.

Some British nationals have reported being charged inflated prices in bills from bars, cafes and restaurants. If you have any concerns, take care to confirm the price before ordering and check the bill and receipt against the price of ordered items from the menu.

Theft of and from vehicles is common. Don’t leave documents or money in your vehicle. Unregulated taxi drivers can overcharge. Use official taxis, which have the name and telephone number of the taxi company on the side of the door and on the top of the taxi.

Do not leave drinks or food unattended as they could be spiked. Beware of accepting drinks from casual acquaintances.

Exercise caution when travelling to Ukraine for a relationship initiated via the internet. There have been incidents of marriage fraud and attempted extortion affecting foreign nationals. You should be particularly vigilant if the person is uncontactable face-to-face or they ask you to send money urgently (for example, they may say that they’ve been arrested or have fallen ill). Unfortunately it’s very unlikely you’ll be able to recover your money if you’re a victim of such a scam.

Local travel

Bus, trolleybus and tram tickets normally need to be validated by being ‘punched’ when you board. You can be fined on the spot if you are travelling with a ticket that has not been validated.

There is a wide network of minibuses. The fare is normally displayed on the window inside the minibus. You may need to pass your money to the driver via other passengers.

There is no metro connection to Kyiv city centre from Boryspil International Airport. The most convenient way to reach the city centre is by taxi. You should only use registered taxi companies. Alternatively you can take the express train or ‘Sky Bus’ from the airport to the main railway station (terminal “Pivdenny”) within the city centre proximity. You can buy a ticket for the ‘Sky Bus’ from the driver. More information on transport services can be found on the airport website.

Use official taxis which display the name and telephone number of the taxi company. Where possible ask your hotel to get a taxi for you or ask for the telephone number of a reputable taxi company. You should agree the fare before getting into the taxi.


A number of local companies offer tours to Chernobyl. Some areas around the reactor are covered by an exclusion zone, and you may need to get a permit and travel with a guide. According to the International Atomic Energy Agency, although some of the radioactive isotopes released into the atmosphere still linger, they are at tolerable exposure levels for limited periods of time. The State Agency for Managing the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone has issued safety instructions and advice for people visiting the zone.

Road travel

You must have a valid International Driving Permit to drive legally in Ukraine, as well as your UK driving licence. From 28 March 2019, you will need to have the 1968 permit to drive in Ukraine. 1949 permits previously issued by the UK may no longer be accepted in Ukraine after this date. From 1 February 2019, you can only get IDPs over the counter from 2,500 UK Post Offices. You will not be able to buy an IDP outside the UK, so get one before you travel.

Make sure you have original vehicle-registration papers, ownership documents and insurance papers available at all times. These will be required if you are stopped by the police and when crossing borders. This also applies to rental vehicles. If you do not have these papers when stopped by the police they have the right to impound your vehicle and charge you for this.

If you intend to rent a vehicle for your travel to Ukraine, you should check with the car hire company and insurance company their policy on renting cars in Ukraine and any other country you will pass through, especially non-EU countries. Ensure they provide you with a rental agreement permitting you to cross the border into Ukraine.

Local driving standards are poor. Street lights are weak, speed limits, traffic lights and road signs are often ignored, and drivers rarely indicate before manoeuvring. There are a high number of traffic accidents, including fatalities. Speeding, drink driving and infrequent use of helmets, seat belts and child restraints in vehicles are the main contributing factors.

Roads are of variable quality. Driving outside major towns at night can be hazardous. Avoid night-time travel wherever possible.

You must wear a seat belt. Using a mobile phone while driving is prohibited. There is a zero limit on drinking alcohol and driving.

Ukrainian law allows the police to stop a vehicle. The police officer should give their name and rank, explain why you have been stopped and make an administrative offence report. The police may film interactions with members of the public. Fines can be levied for minor offences such as illegal parking or jumping a red light. The police may be carrying a credit card terminal to collect payment on the spot, or fines may be paid online or at a bank within 15 days. See payment options (in Ukrainian).

In case of a road accident dial 102. Local officials generally only speak Ukrainian and Russian.

See the AA and RAC guides to driving in Ukraine.

For information regarding bringing your car to Ukraine, see Entry requirements.

Rail travel

If you travel by train, make sure your belongings are secure. Don’t agree to look after the luggage of a fellow traveller or allow it to be stored in your compartment. Train timetables and ticket reservation is available online on the Ukrainian Railways site.

Air travel

You can find a list of recent incidents and accidents on the website of the Aviation Safety network.

The FCO can’t offer advice on the safety of individual airlines. However, the International Air Transport Association publishes lists of registered airlines that have been audited and found to meet a number of operational safety standards and recommended practices – IATA Operational Safety Audit and IATA Standard Safety Assessment. These lists aren’t exhaustive and the absence of an airline from this list doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s unsafe.

The International Civil Aviation Organisation has carried out an audit of the level of implementation of the critical elements of safety oversight in Ukraine.

Direct flights between Ukraine and Russia ceased on 25 October 2015 and on 25 November 2015 Ukraine banned all Russian airlines from transiting its airspace. Check latest developments with your airline or travel company before you travel.

Mail bride scams is a different  topic and we will avoid covering it here. Just some comment  from Scams and Corruption in Ukraine How to Avoid Trouble

One of Those said 6 years ago

First of all Ukraine is not "THE".
This is so obvious that 22 years old tall university graduate blond will not marry retired dentist or agronomist from Oklahoma/Scotland. This is scam!

You may have a chance if you are in a good physical shape, with solid job and bank account. Also you should be interesting to her and definitely interested to know her personality, not just some cool features of her body.

If you think differently, you are welcome to pay to the agency. They will write you letters on behalf of "her". Also if you continue paying a lot they may arrange your "dating". Girl receives bonus from the agency, you pick up the check, you may be even end up being lucky but this is not guaranteed.

If you are really interested to find your love in Ukraine then change your life, come here, live here, learn language, exercise stay in good physical shape, find your love, it will be easy because Ukrainians are friendly people and like foreigners. Especially young people. Also do not expect tall blond 22 years phd, spiritual LOL.

One of Those said 6 years ago

I never had any issues with ATMs in Ukraine. NEVER.  My retired mom uses ATM a lot, no issues. Ukrainians use ATMs a lot. I know foreigners who read all of that bul..t abut ATMs and were scared to use them but none had any issues.

Traffic Police is corrupted but they are under constant surveillance and risk to end up in a jail because of that. If you broke the law it is better to pay fine, do not try to bribe them or you may end up in a jail as well. $5 is nothing. be prepared to pay $50 - $100 to the government.

If you are a dark skinned foreigner you a chance that Street Police (pedestrian patrol cops) asks you to show your ID. This is because of illegals from Africa and Asia. Just keep you documents with you and be ready to cooperate. If you are illegal or have no passport you may try to bribe them but again you may end up in a cage. Just have you passport with you.

Ihor Kit said 3 years ago

try asking someone from Ukraine to verify your online lady for you before you waste your time or have a look here


There are multiple McDonalds franchises in the center. Some of them have reviews. For example McDonald's, Kiev - Bolshaya Vasilkovaya Krasnoarmeiskaya St. 22 Eating in McDonalds is very safe and meals quality is similar to the USA, but meals are smaller. You also need to pay extra for ketchup :-)  There are some Colonel Sanders outfits, which are still called KFC, but meals in them are different from what is available in the USA: they offer mainly legs, not so much white meat. 

There are also several Ukrainian fast food chains like Puzata Hata which have borsch, "vareniki", "cirniki", "chicken Kiev" (which would be  much smaller then you expect ;-)  and other local staff of very good quality.  The cost of a decent meal will be $10-$15 per person.   So for students Pusata Hata and similar Ukrainian chains are preferable.

Restaurants are expensive. You can easily leave $50 for two for lunch.  I ones got into restaurant called Miami, and it was probably run by Miami mafia because prices were similar or even more expensive than in the restaurants in a five start hotels in Miami. I paid something like $150 for lunch for two for almost nothing (salad, one course meal (no desert), coffee and a bottle of dry vine. ). In restaurants you can leave less tips then in the USA. 10% or 5% are OK, depending on the level of service you got.

Price of food in supermarkets is  such as  Furshet, MegaMarket, Silpo is generally close to that we have in the USA and the variety is also similar. such things as instant  coffee, etc are process a little hit higher then in the USA. Local dry wines are priced that  same as cheap California wines  ($5-$15). Meat products such a ham are pretty expensive taking into account the standard of living and especially income of a bottom 90% of Kiev residents, but for foreigner is OK.  but for hum sandwich for breakfast there is nothing to complain about. Bread is very cheap. Local vegetable like apples are cheaper (if what you want is available). Quality is good or very good, depending on your luck and tastes ;-)

There are small kiosks that offer coffee and tee almost everywhere in the center.


Hotels are clean and very cheap.  A very decent hotel near the center is around $50-$150 (Khreschatyk Hotel is one central street which is extremely convenient for people who do not speak Russian or Ukrainian, as service personal often does not speak English outside the city center.   RADISSON BLU HOTEL is near opera house and is close to several landmarks, SENATOR MAIDAN is a large total also in walking distance tot he center. Those are older hotels those that I personably know and recognize)

You can get a private English speaking guide from the hotel or any nearby translation bureau (Google them). Generally you can do without it OK, but you have money and want to save some time  I would recommend you to do so, unless you are a student. Prices are reasonable and that helps.  You can inquire about current prices by Google in  site using something like


They also can get you interpreter with a car (rental car in Borispol is round $40 a day, so this is a raw estimate of the approx cost including gas and interpreter). Ordering from the hotel via hotel personnel might be cheaper than on the Internet.

If you need cheaper hotel (less then $50 a night)  you can find pretty decent new peripheral subway stations on a blue line (In this case trip to the center will take 15 min or so.)  The main drawback is not so much accommodations, which are usually decent, but lack of additional services and personnel who understands  English.

One that I know well is an old hotel near railway station called PREMIER HOTEL LYBID, previously owned by Inturist. And another one close to the central stadium called PREMIER HOTEL RUS. Probably a better option.  Both of  them in the past were five start hotels, but now are dirt cheap. I stayed in a reasonably cheap hotel near subway station Holosiivska (Hotel Mir Kiev), which I would recommend to students. It is close to a beautiful large park. See also Kiev prices - food prices, beer prices, hotel prices, attraction prices - Price of Travel

Access to Internet

WiFi is available in all hotels.  Most cafe and Restaurants have WiFi too.  Speed is usually low.

There are well-connected Internet computers in most post offices with per hour payments ($1.5 dollar per hour). There is also a large and well equipped Internet game enthusiasts club in the underground mall at Bessarabka square (on crossing of  Khreshchatyk  street  and Taras Shevchenko boulevard  streets, approx 300 yards from "Khreshchatyk" subway station). 

Ii is located on lowest floor of the mall under the square and the best way to get to it is to enter subway from the Khreshchatyk  street entrance. Ten yards from the entrance down the underground mall you will see stairway down and that's where it is. The cost is $2 per pour ($7 for 5 hours and $100 for unlimited access for a month). The computers (over 50, I think) are pretty modern, displays  were widescreen 19" when I visited it  (now probably larger) and Internet speed is very good. They allow to put your own USB sticks. There are usually several English speaking foreigners as customers at any given time, so you might be able to get some help from them. Computers has local bookmarks which are helpful (see also  Kiev shopping ).

Getting your smartphone work in Kiev

To cut costs you need to buy  SIM from local provider.  The cost is  ~50GR. I used Vodafone and it was OK.  It has an office on Khreshchatyk near Subway station.

You get one month free calls within your provider network when you buy a SIM card and probably 2GB of data. More data and call time can be bought separately via English language Web site of your Ukrainian provider.

Again, if you do not speak the local language your best option might be to use help of a nearby interpreter agency or hotel personnel. They usually can help you to solve this problem quickly and efficiently.

Price of electronics is usually ~20% higher then in the USA but the reasonably recent models are usually available, some with better parameters then in the USA (for example, in September 2013 I was able to buy Lenovo A3000-H with  3G, which is unavailable in the USA other then via eBay). You can also buy a basic unlocked GSM phone, chargers mice, etc, if you forgot one or your provider charges roaming and your phone does not work with the local SIM card  (cheap Samsung models like Galaxy A10s  are around 3000 GR  (~ $120) and 5000 GR for A30s from Rosetka shop or your provider (for example Vodafone); they will  deliver to the hotel the same day any electronics you need and test it before you pay; or you get to the shop yourself and buy it yourself -- it's a large shop 10 min from the center and some personnel speaks English) .  They usually carry one year warranty. If you need to buy some electronic gadget, then  Eldorado or Foxtrot are probably the best first stops but prices are higher then in Rosetka; in central locations some sales personnel usually speaks some English).

In general a good smartphone with a good foreign plan (AT&T)  or local SIM card is a must in Kiev.  Otherwise you can' access Google maps, find shops, sightseeing sites, etc.  8" tablet would be even better but less convenient. 

You need to train yourself to use all features of Google maps to feel more comfortable.

Translation via smartphone

See Best Translation Apps for Traveling - The Points Guy for more information. As I know the language Id o not use them so here you need to experiment and see what is most suitable for you. Other things equal I think Google Translate is the way to go.

Google translate is the standard de-facto, but you need to learn how to use it. And it takes time  which you will not have in the country.  It has many capabilities that many people do not know and thus do not use such as Two-way instant speech translation. You need to learn how  to use camera with translator by printing some Russian signs and point camera to them. And make several other experiments  so that you feel comfortable using those features. As this is Web application it does not depends  much on the technical capabilities of your smartphone I think. Again, you can also point camera to a sign and translate it. Which is very handy. 

This app allows you translate 103 languages by typing, with access to 59 languages offline. You can use handwriting (where you draw text or characters instead of typing) in 93 languages and camera translation in 37 languages (where you point your camera and snap for an instant translation of, say, a menu). Two-way instant speech translation is available in 32 languages. Google Translate is simple to use too, with icons at the top you can click on to draw, take a photo, speak or type. Download for free on iTunes or Google Play.

Microsoft Translator

Translate text, voice and photos between English and over 60 languages with Microsoft Translator. The app is ideal for business travelers, with a multiperson conversation translation feature where you connect your devices and can actually speak with over 100 people at a time in different languages. The split-screen function lets you see a phrase while someone siting across from you can read the translation. Language packs are available for offline translation. With translation guides and pronunciation help (the app is particularly useful for Chinese), you can also learn how to properly speak some of the phrases you’re translating instead of just relying on the voice function. Download for free on iTunes or Google Play.


Yandex.Translate is a mobile and web service that translates words, phrases, whole texts, and entire websites from Russian into English. The meanings of individual words come complete with examples of usage, transcription, and the possibility to hear pronunciation.


One of the most popular translation apps in the world, iTranslate has almost 300,000 ratings on iTunes and over 300,000 on Google Play — most of them four and five stars. There’s even a special version for Apple Watch so you can quickly translate on your wrist if needed. The basic app includes functions such as a phrasebook with predefined, useful phrases and translations in more than 100 languages. The Pro version($5.99 per month), features offline translation, website translation (including a Safari extension), camera translation, voice-to-voice conversations and verb conjugations. Download the basic version for free on iTunes or Google Play.


Taxi from Borispol to the hotel is usually $20-30.  There is a city company with kiosk just after your exit from customs, where you can pay upfront based on exact mileage (they accept local currency only, but you can pay with a credit card too)

Please note that Uber is available in Kiev.

To get to metro, you need to buy a metro card with, say, 20 trips. All major attractions (and that are less a dozen of worthwhile attractions and most of them are accessible via subway. Only several stations like Khreshchatyk have personnel which speak English and can help you. Otherwise you need to pay somebody in the hotel to get it for you for a small fee.   After that travel is as easy as in NYC.


The center of Kiev is a like the center of typical European city. Dnieper river is beautiful but is pretty dirty. There is a subway station (Hydropark) on Truchanov  Island  which is in the middle of the river from which you have amazing view of the  Kiev on right bank of the river.  Especially on sunset photos are amazing.   Left banks is New Soviet site sprawl. Nothing interesting   -- you see it on the way from the airport. 

There are no that many attractions. The city itself is the main attraction.  Among some IMHO worthwhile places that you consider visiting ( of course this depends on you, but still there are some generic things here... ) are: 

  1. Kiev Pechersk Lavra --  this is kind of a "must" attraction  for tourists in Kiev. A set of ancient churches and a monastery (active) with some in caves. Since its foundation as the cave monastery in 1051, the Lavra has been a preeminent center of Eastern Orthodox Christianity in Eastern Europe. Together with the Saint Sophia Cathedral, it is inscribed as a UNESCO World Heritage Site. 

  2. Ethnographic museum in Goloseevo.  Large park to which old peasant houses were moved and re-installed. Very interesting to those who care about the subject.  Some unique wooden hats and mills.  Gives you a starling insight  on how primitively ordinary people lived n countryside several centuries ago.  And how heating of the houses in winter was a huge problem.

  3. Roundtrip on a small ship on the Dnieper ($10 I think; tours are available from the Port near Postal Square subway station) and later take subway to Hydropark station (which now is spoiled with all those ugly cafe, but there is an old bridge that you can visit and you can also stand on the bank of the river.

  4. Foot trip over the Khreshchatyk street  you can start travel by subway blue  to Tolstoy Square subway station (next after  Khreshchatyk on blue line) and walk a couple of miles visiting farmer market called Bessarabka bazaar en route, walking the whole length of Khreshchatyk, visiting Independence square (the place of EuroMaydan event for those who are interested) . Which was a beautiful square before 2014 and still is , but one of the building (opposite to the Central Post office), and which  has a large electronic clocks in a small tower on the top (which are now restored) but the building itself was burned and is draped to hide this fact. It also feature large and very expensive mall (partially underground).  Which contains  multiple cafe and restaurants. Then you continue on  Khreshchatyk and will eventually end in part of Philharmonic concert hall and sightseeing balcony (the part is on the hill overlooking the Dnieper river) with  beautiful look on the Dnieper river and  the left bank.  Impressive at night too. You can eat in some cafe, or fast food chain on the route.  From it you can also see  the monument to Vladimir who brought Christianity to Kievan Rus.  Takes around a couple of hours, I think. More if you stop or detour.

  5. Foot trip starting from Tolstoy Square subway station, up to State University and monument to Taras Shevchenko, then to  Opera House to Gold Gates to Santa Sophia cathedral and then down to Bulgakov house on Andreevski Spusk street (on which you buy some souvenirs, if you care) and to one of metro Station in Podol area.  You can eat in some cafe, or fast food chain on the route.  Probably takes three hours or more.

If you are young you can easily merge 4 and 5 by travelling 4 in the opposite direction (from Philharmonic Concert Hall to the Tolstoy square) into one day but  that requires some endurance and is not for good for seniors.  If you are senior look at the mileage via Google first.

See also  Museums in Kiev - Wikipedia



Here is hymn of Kiev (a very beautiful song also called Kiev Waltz):

See also Classic Ukrainian Songs on Youtube

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While I was living in Ukraine back in the early 1990s, I adopted a flea-ridden, one-eyed street kitten which I aptly named She Devil. Together, we thoroughly enjoyed my last years of bachelorhood. But, with my upcoming marriage to a nice girl with bad cat allergies, it became necessary to find She Devil a new home.

Given the general economic situation in Ukraine at the time (in stark contrast to the quality of life that the cat enjoyed in my ex-pat apartment), I decided that it would be best for She Devil to live with my parents in Maine, where my mother is the neighbourhood `cat woman.� Now for the fun part: how do you get a cat from Ukraine to Maine?

At the time, exporting a cat from Ukraine involved the acquisition of a number of certificates which, together, would constitute a valid pet passport. The first of these certificates was a document from a registered veterinarian which certified that She Devil had received all of the necessary immunizations (distemper, rabies, etc.) required under Ukrainian Law. At the time, Ukraine was undergoing a wrenching economic crisis � hyperinflation, power blackouts, political unrest: the chance of finding a veterinarian who had any vaccines was nil. However, after consultation with a local veterinarian and the exchange of some hard currency (the local currency was trading at tens of thousands to the dollar at the time), a certificate was produced bearing stamps certifying that She Devil had been vaccinated against every known antigen known to catkind.

Next, I required a certificate from National Cat Club (called �FAUNA�) that would confirm that my lowborn street cat was �not a rare breed or of national scientific significance.� With the customary manual transfer of some more hard currency (and no physical presentation of She Devil to anyone), a FAUNA certificate was produced certifying She Devil�s lowly status as a �Common Street Cat.� Under the certificate�s section entitled Distinguishing Physical Characteristics, it was duly noted: �Black Fur. Absence of a Left Eye.�

With these certificates taped on to her travelling case and several copies of the same in my hand, I travelled with She Devil to Borispol Airport in Kiev to begin the final exit procedure: the issuing of the �Live Animal Export Certificate� from the Ministry of Agriculture, which must be issued within 120 minutes of the said live animal�s departure from Ukraine. When I arrived at the airport with She Devil, I asked an official for the location of the Ministry of Agriculture Live Animal Export Certificate Issuing Office. She exclaimed: �Room 222 � it�s open �round the clock!�� as if I would be amazed by the constant stream of live animals making their way out of Ukraine on a daily basis.

I made my way up to Room 222 with She Devil (who was now in a considerable state of distress, despite having been administered what my local vet assured me was a �cat tranquilizer�) and knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked harder. There was a muffled response from inside and a dishevelled officer of the Ministry of Agriculture cracked open the door. I had clearly awakened him. Perhaps the 24-7 nature of the business of live animal export in Ukraine was not an exaggeration after all.

The Ministry of Agriculture official motioned me into his office and asked me to take a seat. I handed over copies of my certificates and gestured toward the originals taped on to She Devil�s carrying case. The cat was howling as only cats do in this kind of situation. The official sat down behind his desk and began to inspect the documentation, muttering �hmms� and �eh-hems� as reviewed the myriad stamps and testimonials. When he completed his review of the documents, he looked up at me and said gruffly: �I can�t let your puppy go.�

Already accustomed to the surreal nature of dealing with Ukrainian government officials, I played along. �Please sir, what documentation is my �puppy� lacking? Perhaps I might have brought it along with me and forgot to give it to you.�

He responded matter-of-factly: �The green certificate.�

�The green certificate?� I asked. �I don�t know if I am exactly familiar with the `green certificate,� but I might have seen it together with my other documents. Does this `green certificate� have a picture of US President Jackson on it?�

�Exactly. That�s the one I am looking for.� I produced the necessary `green certificate� which he hastily put in pocket. He immediately produced a Ministry of Agriculture Live Animal Export Certificate, which he then promptly stamped, signed and handed back to me saying: �Your pet passport is complete. I hope you and your cat have a nice trip.�

- Tom Kearney, London, UK

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Groupthink : Two Party System as Polyarchy : Corruption of Regulators : Bureaucracies : Understanding Micromanagers and Control Freaks : Toxic Managers :   Harvard Mafia : Diplomatic Communication : Surviving a Bad Performance Review : Insufficient Retirement Funds as Immanent Problem of Neoliberal Regime : PseudoScience : Who Rules America : Neoliberalism  : The Iron Law of Oligarchy : Libertarian Philosophy


War and Peace : Skeptical Finance : John Kenneth Galbraith :Talleyrand : Oscar Wilde : Otto Von Bismarck : Keynes : George Carlin : Skeptics : Propaganda  : SE quotes : Language Design and Programming Quotes : Random IT-related quotesSomerset Maugham : Marcus Aurelius : Kurt Vonnegut : Eric Hoffer : Winston Churchill : Napoleon Bonaparte : Ambrose BierceBernard Shaw : Mark Twain Quotes


Vol 25, No.12 (December, 2013) Rational Fools vs. Efficient Crooks The efficient markets hypothesis : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2013 : Unemployment Bulletin, 2010 :  Vol 23, No.10 (October, 2011) An observation about corporate security departments : Slightly Skeptical Euromaydan Chronicles, June 2014 : Greenspan legacy bulletin, 2008 : Vol 25, No.10 (October, 2013) Cryptolocker Trojan (Win32/Crilock.A) : Vol 25, No.08 (August, 2013) Cloud providers as intelligence collection hubs : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : Inequality Bulletin, 2009 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Copyleft Problems Bulletin, 2004 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Energy Bulletin, 2010 : Malware Protection Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 26, No.1 (January, 2013) Object-Oriented Cult : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2011 : Vol 23, No.11 (November, 2011) Softpanorama classification of sysadmin horror stories : Vol 25, No.05 (May, 2013) Corporate bullshit as a communication method  : Vol 25, No.06 (June, 2013) A Note on the Relationship of Brooks Law and Conway Law


Fifty glorious years (1950-2000): the triumph of the US computer engineering : Donald Knuth : TAoCP and its Influence of Computer Science : Richard Stallman : Linus Torvalds  : Larry Wall  : John K. Ousterhout : CTSS : Multix OS Unix History : Unix shell history : VI editor : History of pipes concept : Solaris : MS DOSProgramming Languages History : PL/1 : Simula 67 : C : History of GCC developmentScripting Languages : Perl history   : OS History : Mail : DNS : SSH : CPU Instruction Sets : SPARC systems 1987-2006 : Norton Commander : Norton Utilities : Norton Ghost : Frontpage history : Malware Defense History : GNU Screen : OSS early history

Classic books:

The Peter Principle : Parkinson Law : 1984 : The Mythical Man-MonthHow to Solve It by George Polya : The Art of Computer Programming : The Elements of Programming Style : The Unix Hater’s Handbook : The Jargon file : The True Believer : Programming Pearls : The Good Soldier Svejk : The Power Elite

Most popular humor pages:

Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society : Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society : Computer Humor Collection : BSD Logo Story : The Cuckoo's Egg : IT Slang : C++ Humor : ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? : The Perl Purity Test : Object oriented programmers of all nations : Financial Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : The Most Comprehensive Collection of Editor-related Humor : Programming Language Humor : Goldman Sachs related humor : Greenspan humor : C Humor : Scripting Humor : Real Programmers Humor : Web Humor : GPL-related Humor : OFM Humor : Politically Incorrect Humor : IDS Humor : "Linux Sucks" Humor : Russian Musical Humor : Best Russian Programmer Humor : Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church : Richard Stallman Related Humor : Admin Humor : Perl-related Humor : Linus Torvalds Related humor : PseudoScience Related Humor : Networking Humor : Shell Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2012 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2013 : Java Humor : Software Engineering Humor : Sun Solaris Related Humor : Education Humor : IBM Humor : Assembler-related Humor : VIM Humor : Computer Viruses Humor : Bright tomorrow is rescheduled to a day after tomorrow : Classic Computer Humor

The Last but not Least Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt. Ph.D

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Last modified: December 16, 2019