Softpanorama

May the source be with you, but remember the KISS principle ;-)
Home Switchboard Unix Administration Red Hat TCP/IP Networks Neoliberalism Toxic Managers
(slightly skeptical) Educational society promoting "Back to basics" movement against IT overcomplexity and  bastardization of classic Unix

Windows the newer generation

Softpanorama 1995, vol. 7, No. 4

Софтпанорама 1995, No.4  ***** HUMOR *****  Составители Н.Н.БЕЗРУКОВ
                                                           И.СУВОРОВ
====================================================================

                                                    
          
                  О К О Л О К О М П Ь Ю Т Е Р Н Ы Й    
                                                       
                И   С Т У Д Е Н Ч Е С К И Й   Ю М О Р  
          
                                                                                             їььв

From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy
Subject: Windows the new Generation (Part 1)
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 18 Jan 95 17:56:41 +1300
Organization: University of Waikato, Hamilton, New Zealand
Lines: 39

Just a bit of lite humour

Copied without permission from
"Bits and Bytes" Dec 1994
(A good impartial New Zealand Computer Magazine)

Windows the newer generation
(A Peter friend [author] exclusive)

By now, you've all heard of Microsoft Windows Chicago - I mean Window 4.0 - I
mean Windows 95. But technology continues to march on down the information
superhighway, and Microsoft is already hard at work on the next version of
windows.

Originally codenamed Windows Eketahuna [a NZ town], then Windows 5.0, it was
recently renamed Windows 2001: A Space Odyssey, perhaps because it comes on 9
CD's and requires 64Mb of Ram and a 3Gb hard disk to run. These may seam like
excessive system requirements, but, on the other hand, the new version of
Solitaire is really good.

Windows 2001 is still only at the alpha testing stage, bit I can let you in on
a few of its exciting new features.

As well as running DOS, 16bit and 32bit Windows applications as you might
expect, Windows 2001 also allows for full OS/2, UNIX, AS/400, MAcintosh, Sega,
Nintendo, and Sinclair ZX Spectrum emulation.  IBM is rumoured to be planning
its revenge with a really really good version of solitaire for the next version
of OS/2.

Personally, I found all the emulation modes very impressive, particularly the
way the Macintosh emulator reminds you to superglue down your second mouse
button.  The ZX Spectrum option is also very interesting, coming with custom
device drivers for rubber keyboards and a new video card to make your superVGA
monitor look like a badly tuned TV.

----- more later as Its home time (tommorow) ------

Hope you enjoyed it so far
Mark

From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy
Subject: Windows 95 Cool User Program
Date: 17 Feb 1995 07:07:33 GMT
Organization: Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems
Lines: 48
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: dal27.onramp.net
X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.09

WINDOWS 95 WILL HAVE THE COOLEST USERS EVER

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In order to calm growing impatience among PC users
concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system,
Microsoft Corporation announced what it calls the "Cool User Program for
Windows 95."  To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which
time he or she will be placed in a cryogenic suspension.  The user will then
remain in a state of hibernation until about a week before the Windows 95
ship date.

"We expect that the users will need a few days to recuperate and acquaint
themselves with the changes that will occur in society between the onset of
cold sleep and the release of Windows 95," explained a Microsoft spokesman.
These may include "the OJ Simpson trial ending, another momentous
Congressional election, faster-than-light travel and possible leaps in human
evolution."

Because Microsoft expects a large response to this offer, a vast area will
be needed for the storage facility.  "We have chosen the state of Utah,"
stated Microsoft,"because nobody lives there, anyway."  Spokespeople for
Novell and Wordperfect were reached for comment on this remark, but their
words were not suitable for publication.

IBM corporation, which has previously responded to Microsoft promotions
with competing offers for their OS/2 Warp said they would not be matching
Microsoft's "Cool User" program.  "Freeze people?  What for?  Warp has
already been shipping for months," said a source who asked not to be
identified.

Some industry analysts have wasted no time hailing Microsoft's plan as a
"bold, innovative" move.  In columnist Michael S. Brown's opinion column
"M.S. Brown Knows" which appears in PC Weak, Brown claims,"IBM has missed
the boat again with their failing OS/2 strategy.  Users clearly want to be
frozen in liquid Nitrogen and sealed in coffin-like units for an
indeterminate period of time."  Michael S. Brown made national headlines
three years ago when he claimed that if "Windows NT didn't completely
replace DOS in six months" he would chain himself to grating comedian
Gilbert Godfried.  Today he clarifies that "I didn't say *which* six
months."

The cryogenic facility in Utah is expected to be on line April 1, 1995, but
users wishing to beta test the system may do so for a reduced fee of
US$3,000.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Charles Forsythe  [email protected] "Thankyou for playing Usenet."


From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: comp.os.os2.advocacy
Subject: Humor
Date: 17 Feb 1995 14:27:09 GMT
Organization: Express Access Online Communications, USA
Lines: 34
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: cpcug.org
X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.09

          SEVEN SOFTWARE COMPANIES ADDED TO "WATCH LIST"

New York, NY, Feb 15 -- People for the Ethical Treatment of Software (PETS)
announced today today that seven more software companies have been added to the
group's "watch list" of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way just so companies like
these can market new products," said Ken Granola, spokesperson for PETS.
"Aternative methods of testing these products are available."

According to PETS, these comapnies force software to undergo lenthy and
arduous tests, often without rest for hours or days at a time.  Employees
are assigned to "break" the software by any means necessary, and inside
sources report that they often joke about "torturing" the software.

"It's no joke," said Granole.  "Innocent programs, from the day they are
complied, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours on end.  They
spend their whole lives cooped up on dirty, ill-maintained computers, and
are unceremoniously deleted when they are not needed anymore."

Granola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

"We know alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing industry
giant Microsoft Corp. as a company that has become extremely successful
without resorting to software testing.

*******************************************************************
 Robert H. MacTurk, Ph.D.         [email protected]
 Research Scientist                [email protected]
 Gallaudet University                    (V/TTY)202-651-5206
 Washington, DC 20002                    (FAX)202-651-5458
*******************************************************************


From: [email protected]@uniwa.uwa.edu.au
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 1994 11:05:03 GMT
Organization: The University of Western Australia
Lines: 66
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Reply-To: [email protected]
NNTP-Posting-Host: u78.dialup.uwa.edu.au
X-Newsreader: IBM NewsReader/2 v1.07
Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31208 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21911 comp.windows.misc:3945 aus.jokes:5035 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42035 comp.os.os2.games:6342 comp.os.os2.misc:41183

                   Windows 95 - The right choice

So you've all heard of OS/2 Warp.  Here's why Windows 95 is the right
operating system for you:


Enhanced error handling:
  Over the past 12 months, MicroSoft have been working intensively on the
  bugs inherent in Windows 3.1.  The result:  an advanced operating system
  with greatly enhanced bugs.  All of the Windows 3.1 bugs are present in
  Windows 95, and run faster than ever.  We have also introduced a range of
  new bugs never before seen in an operating system of this type.  Whether
  you are a professional programmer, a casual user, or a game  player,
  Windows 95 offers a larger range of bugs than any other operating system
  on the market.

32-bit Memory Managment:
  Windows 95 offers full 32-bit management of 16 bit memory.  After a
  considerable amount of work, the familiar "General Protection Fault" is
  nowhere to be seen.  The GPF has been replaced by two significantly
  improved errors:
    "Specific Protection Fault" - used to corrupt an individual 16-bit
    process.
    "Global Protection Fault" - this powerful memory management
    facility will allow a corrupt process not only to corrupt all other
    running processes, but corrupt processes on all other machines within a
    five-mile radius.  Even now we are developing "pre-emptive" memory
    management, which will be able to corrupt processes which are not yet
    running.

Threaded Multi-Tasking:
  The cooperative multi-tasking found in Winodws 3.1 has now been replaced
  with the far more powerful "uncooperative multi-tasking".  This
  enhancement will allow several processes to crash simultaneously.  Our
  new crash protection facility greatly enhances the multi-tasking
  environment.  Should one process fail, the CPF will prevent this process
  from being disturbed by other cleanly running processes.  The
  multi-threading environment allows one process to generate multiple
  errors, while still remaing seprate from other threads.

Time Saving Abilities:
  Everyone has had their system crash whilst editing a document that had
  not yet been saved.  Re-entering the lost data can be frustrating and
  time-consuming.  Windows 95 eliminates this problem by causing processes
  to crash much earlier, significantly reducing data loss.

So, anyone can see why Windows 95 offers greater power at a greater price
than any other operating system available today.  So, when choosing your
next operating system, remember our motto:
  Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today.

*** Important - This document is not a product of MicroSoft Corporation
                   (duh, the spelling is too good anyway).  None of the
                   material contained within has been derived from
                   beta-testing of Windows 95 (call it a sort of educated
                   guess).  It is for amusement purposes only, so if you
                   don't find it funny, feel free not to laugh.


                                               - The Keeper of the Cheese

From ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.kei.com!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!phostetl Sat Dec 24 12:07:43 1994
Path: ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.kei.com!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!gatech!howland.reston.ans.net!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu!phostetl
From: [email protected] (Paul Hostetler)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Re: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 1994 14:13:04 GMT
Organization: US Department of Entropy
Lines: 16
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
References: <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: beauty.magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu
Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31227 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21917 comp.windows.misc:3949 aus.jokes:5038 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42062 comp.os.os2.games:6347 comp.os.os2.misc:41201

Thus spake :
>                   Windows 95 - The right choice
[chop]
>next operating system, remember our motto:
>  Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today.
>
Jan 94
	Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
Aug 94
	Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
Dec 94
	Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
and so on...
--
[email protected] * [email protected]
[email protected] * [email protected] * The end is nea

From ankh.iia.org!uunet!news.delphi.com!BIX.com!barryn Sat Dec 24 12:08:15 1994
Path: ankh.iia.org!uunet!news.delphi.com!BIX.com!barryn
From: [email protected] (barryn on BIX)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Re: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 94 17:38:16 GMT
Organization: Delphi Internet Services Corporation
Lines: 14
Message-ID: 
References: <[email protected]> <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: bix.com
Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31265 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21942 comp.windows.misc:3967 aus.jokes:5044 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42108 comp.os.os2.games:6361 comp.os.os2.misc:41250

Paul Hostetler looks at some of the promised delivery dates for Win9:
:Jan 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
:Aug 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
:Dec 94 - Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
:and so on...

Kinda makes you think Microsoft has a fertility problem, doesn't it?  (-:

Barry Nance
   author, "Using OS/2 2.1", "Using OS/2 Warp, 3.0",
     "Introduction to Networking", "Client/Server LAN Programming",
     "Networking Windows for Workgroups", and "Guide to LAN Server".



From ankh.iia.org!uunet!panix!panix3.panix.com!melling Sat Dec 24 12:08:40 1994
Path: ankh.iia.org!uunet!panix!panix3.panix.com!melling
From: [email protected] (Michael Mellinger)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.os.ms-windows.misc,comp.windows.misc,aus.jokes,comp.os.os2.advocacy,comp.os.os2.games,comp.os.os2.misc
Subject: Re: Windows 95 review
Date: 21 Dec 1994 12:50:31 -0500
Organization: PANIX Public Access Unix, NYC
Lines: 25
Message-ID: 
References: <[email protected]> <[email protected]>
NNTP-Posting-Host: panix3.panix.com
In-reply-to: [email protected]'s message of 21 Dec 1994 14:13:04 GMT
Xref: ankh.iia.org comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:31266 comp.os.ms-windows.misc:21944 comp.windows.misc:3968 aus.jokes:5046 comp.os.os2.advocacy:42110 comp.os.os2.games:6362 comp.os.os2.misc:41253


In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (Paul Hostetler) writes:

   Thus spake :
   >                   Windows 95 - The right choice
   [chop]
   >next operating system, remember our motto:
   >  Windows 95 - Tomorrow's Bugs, Today.
   >
   Jan 94
	   Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
   Aug 94
	   Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
   Dec 94
	   Windows 95 - Nine months from today!
   and so on...

I wonder if Bill trying to have a baby with his new wife?

Seriously, if I have to wait until August, then until December/January
for 95.1, maybe OS/2 3.0 is seriously worth taking a look at.  Will MS
still sell betas in January?  The 150MHz Pentium will be out before MS
releases a 32 bit OS to kill DOS.

-Mike

Subject: Re: Is Windows 95 a "real OS" or not?
Date: 11 Jan 1995 02:40:37 -0800
Organization: Computer Science, University of B.C., Vancouver, B.C., Canada
NNTP-Posting-Host: keats.ugrad.cs.ubc.ca

 >I have a question.  Why is Windows95 code named
 >Chicago?
 >
 >thanks

This calls for Kazinator's top 5:

#05: Bill Gates thinks he is Al Capone.
#04: Hoffa sounded too suggestive of what users ought to do with it.
#03: Chicago is full of wind.
#02: The software mafia will come and cram it down your throat.

And the number one reason is:

#01: You pay them, but alas! You still get no protection!


From ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!usenet.ucs.indiana.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!dziuxsolim.rutgers.edu!er2.rutgers.edu!not-for-mail Wed Dec  7 13:26:00 1994
Path: ankh.iia.org!babbage.ece.uc.edu!news.cs.indiana.edu!usenet.ucs.indiana.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!pipex!uunet!dziuxsolim.rutgers.edu!er2.rutgers.edu!not-for-mail
From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: alt.fan.bill-gates,comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy,comp.unix.advocacy
Subject: Re: UNIX login when telnet Microsoft.com
Date: 6 Dec 1994 02:13:53 -0500
Organization: Rutgers University
Lines: 31
Distribution: world
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
References:   <[email protected]> 
NNTP-Posting-Host: er2.rutgers.edu
Xref: ankh.iia.org alt.fan.bill-gates:5259 comp.os.ms-windows.advocacy:29199 comp.unix.advocacy:2077

[email protected] (Phil Lafornara) writes:

>In article <[email protected]> [email protected] (David Glynn) writes:
>>
>>Who invented FUD?

>     I believe that the term "FUD" was coined to refer to the practices
>of IBM.  I don't remember who coined it, though.

>	-Phil

I don't know about you, but the story I heard was that FUD was originally
invented when Amdahl Corp. made a mainframe that was fully compatible with
IBM and ran four times faster. IBM, starting a venerable tradition, declared
that it had a mainframe in the works that would trounce Amdahl's, and
encouraged its salesmen to sow "fear, uncertainty, and doubt" when
talking to its customers about Amdahl's reliabilty, compatibility,
viability as a company, etc... IBM's machine didn't arrive till
much later, of course; while meanwhile Amdahl suddenly had a hard time
selling its mainframes.

Of course, the ability to spread FUD depends on market presence and the
customer's "belief" in the company. Right now, that company is Microsoft, and
not IBM, who has neither the strong market presence nor the customer belief
in PC's that Microsoft possesses in software. While IBM deserves a
special degree of obliquy for introducing this practice to marketing, it
doesn't excuse the fact that Microsoft inexcusably practices FUD now, and is
in fact, the industry's preeminent practitioner.

J. Cho





Etc

Society

Groupthink : Two Party System as Polyarchy : Corruption of Regulators : Bureaucracies : Understanding Micromanagers and Control Freaks : Toxic Managers :   Harvard Mafia : Diplomatic Communication : Surviving a Bad Performance Review : Insufficient Retirement Funds as Immanent Problem of Neoliberal Regime : PseudoScience : Who Rules America : Neoliberalism  : The Iron Law of Oligarchy : Libertarian Philosophy

Quotes

War and Peace : Skeptical Finance : John Kenneth Galbraith :Talleyrand : Oscar Wilde : Otto Von Bismarck : Keynes : George Carlin : Skeptics : Propaganda  : SE quotes : Language Design and Programming Quotes : Random IT-related quotesSomerset Maugham : Marcus Aurelius : Kurt Vonnegut : Eric Hoffer : Winston Churchill : Napoleon Bonaparte : Ambrose BierceBernard Shaw : Mark Twain Quotes

Bulletin:

Vol 25, No.12 (December, 2013) Rational Fools vs. Efficient Crooks The efficient markets hypothesis : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2013 : Unemployment Bulletin, 2010 :  Vol 23, No.10 (October, 2011) An observation about corporate security departments : Slightly Skeptical Euromaydan Chronicles, June 2014 : Greenspan legacy bulletin, 2008 : Vol 25, No.10 (October, 2013) Cryptolocker Trojan (Win32/Crilock.A) : Vol 25, No.08 (August, 2013) Cloud providers as intelligence collection hubs : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : Inequality Bulletin, 2009 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Copyleft Problems Bulletin, 2004 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Energy Bulletin, 2010 : Malware Protection Bulletin, 2010 : Vol 26, No.1 (January, 2013) Object-Oriented Cult : Political Skeptic Bulletin, 2011 : Vol 23, No.11 (November, 2011) Softpanorama classification of sysadmin horror stories : Vol 25, No.05 (May, 2013) Corporate bullshit as a communication method  : Vol 25, No.06 (June, 2013) A Note on the Relationship of Brooks Law and Conway Law

History:

Fifty glorious years (1950-2000): the triumph of the US computer engineering : Donald Knuth : TAoCP and its Influence of Computer Science : Richard Stallman : Linus Torvalds  : Larry Wall  : John K. Ousterhout : CTSS : Multix OS Unix History : Unix shell history : VI editor : History of pipes concept : Solaris : MS DOSProgramming Languages History : PL/1 : Simula 67 : C : History of GCC developmentScripting Languages : Perl history   : OS History : Mail : DNS : SSH : CPU Instruction Sets : SPARC systems 1987-2006 : Norton Commander : Norton Utilities : Norton Ghost : Frontpage history : Malware Defense History : GNU Screen : OSS early history

Classic books:

The Peter Principle : Parkinson Law : 1984 : The Mythical Man-MonthHow to Solve It by George Polya : The Art of Computer Programming : The Elements of Programming Style : The Unix Hater’s Handbook : The Jargon file : The True Believer : Programming Pearls : The Good Soldier Svejk : The Power Elite

Most popular humor pages:

Manifest of the Softpanorama IT Slacker Society : Ten Commandments of the IT Slackers Society : Computer Humor Collection : BSD Logo Story : The Cuckoo's Egg : IT Slang : C++ Humor : ARE YOU A BBS ADDICT? : The Perl Purity Test : Object oriented programmers of all nations : Financial Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2008 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2010 : The Most Comprehensive Collection of Editor-related Humor : Programming Language Humor : Goldman Sachs related humor : Greenspan humor : C Humor : Scripting Humor : Real Programmers Humor : Web Humor : GPL-related Humor : OFM Humor : Politically Incorrect Humor : IDS Humor : "Linux Sucks" Humor : Russian Musical Humor : Best Russian Programmer Humor : Microsoft plans to buy Catholic Church : Richard Stallman Related Humor : Admin Humor : Perl-related Humor : Linus Torvalds Related humor : PseudoScience Related Humor : Networking Humor : Shell Humor : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2011 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2012 : Financial Humor Bulletin, 2013 : Java Humor : Software Engineering Humor : Sun Solaris Related Humor : Education Humor : IBM Humor : Assembler-related Humor : VIM Humor : Computer Viruses Humor : Bright tomorrow is rescheduled to a day after tomorrow : Classic Computer Humor

The Last but not Least Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt. Ph.D


Copyright © 1996-2021 by Softpanorama Society. www.softpanorama.org was initially created as a service to the (now defunct) UN Sustainable Development Networking Programme (SDNP) without any remuneration. This document is an industrial compilation designed and created exclusively for educational use and is distributed under the Softpanorama Content License. Original materials copyright belong to respective owners. Quotes are made for educational purposes only in compliance with the fair use doctrine.

FAIR USE NOTICE This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available to advance understanding of computer science, IT technology, economic, scientific, and social issues. We believe this constitutes a 'fair use' of any such copyrighted material as provided by section 107 of the US Copyright Law according to which such material can be distributed without profit exclusively for research and educational purposes.

This is a Spartan WHYFF (We Help You For Free) site written by people for whom English is not a native language. Grammar and spelling errors should be expected. The site contain some broken links as it develops like a living tree...

You can use PayPal to to buy a cup of coffee for authors of this site

Disclaimer:

The statements, views and opinions presented on this web page are those of the author (or referenced source) and are not endorsed by, nor do they necessarily reflect, the opinions of the Softpanorama society. We do not warrant the correctness of the information provided or its fitness for any purpose. The site uses AdSense so you need to be aware of Google privacy policy. You you do not want to be tracked by Google please disable Javascript for this site. This site is perfectly usable without Javascript.

Last modified: March 12, 2019