|Contents||Bulletin||Scripting in shell and Perl||Network troubleshooting||History||Humor|
|News||Corporate bullshit||Recommended Links||How not to say the wrong thing||Negative Politeness||Six ways to say 'No' and mean it|
|Groupthink||Conformism||Disciplined Minds||Bureaucracies||Bureaucratic Collectivism||Belief coercion within religious groups|
|Socratic Questions||Never complain about your boss to coworkers||Minimize office gossip||Seven Typical Corporate Email Errors||Five Points Verbal Response Test||Rules of Verbal Self Defense|
|Communication with Corporate Psychopaths||Fighting direct verbal abuse||Soft propaganda||Talleyrand quotes||Humor||Etc|
"Above all, not too much zeal!"
Talleyrand’s warning to young diplomats,
“Speech was given to man to disguise his thoughts.”
Charles Maurice de Talleyrand
Diplomacy can be defined as making the best possible in the circumstances effort for getting your own needs met in a way that preserves the dignity of other people. In essence, this an art of preserving the dignity of others (aka "saving face"), while defending/advancing your own interests. In a way politeness (especially negative politeness) is the most basic form of diplomacy. It can be considered to be the cornerstone of diplomatic communication. In many cases limiting communication to essentials helps to ensure this difficult to attain goal and help to avoid mistakes as larger volume of communication increases chances to commit a blunder. That means that the ability to limit communication also belongs to the art of diplomatic communication. And the best diplomat often not the one who speaks more, but the one who speaks less. The ability to avoid certain themes (see for example Minimize office gossip) and minimize your "verbal footprint" also is an integral part of the art of diplomatic communication.
“Wise men speak because they have something to say;
Fools because they have to say something.” Plato
Talleyrand famous recommendation to diplomats "Above all, not too much zeal!" has multiple levels and in its simplest form (level0) can be rephrased in the domain in communication as "Above all, not don't talk too much!"
Talleyrand famous recommendation to diplomats "Above all, not too much zeal!" also means "Above all, not don't talk too much!"
In a narrow sense diplomacy means communicating your needs, wants, feelings, beliefs and opinions to others in a manner that does not hurt anyone’s feelings, or hurt them less then alternative methods of presenting your views and opinions. In a wider sense it is the ability to find a line of behaviour that helps to avoid both open fight with the opponent and betrayal of your own interests. While much depends on the art of particular diplomat it is clear that only certain situation allow to find such a line of behaviour. So there are cases when diplomacy does not produce any results.
Like in other areas of communication, negative examples probably have more power to teach you, then positive examples. Style of behaviour of certain recent Secretaries and Undersecretaries of State can provide ample examples about how not to behave. See, for example, The Undiplomatic Diplomat and "ethically challenged" Madeleine Albright. As she , then UN Ambassador, informed the UN Security Council during a 1994 discussion about Iraq:
“We recognize this area as vital to US national interests and we will behave, with others, multilaterally when we can and unilaterally when we must.”
That's probably one of the most undiplomatic remarks one can finds -- she is definitely relying on brute force and only brute force to get her goals. Generally communication with sociopaths, especially female sociopaths, is the most challenging from the point of view the ability to stick to diplomatic communication and keeping a safe distance from the person. they provoke aggressive response.
Characteristics of diplomatic communication include, but are not limited to:
The ability to demonstrate a relaxed manner both verbally and nonverbally is connected with the concept of tact, being tactful. The latter is a personal trait, a virtue, that some people have naturally, but all can develop with enough effort. Counselors and churchman are trained in this art pretty successfully. There are several book on the art of counseling and the art of negotiations which peripherally address the issues of tact. As Wikipedia states.
Tact is a careful consideration of the feelings and values of another so as to create harmonious relationships with a reduced potential for conflict or offense. Tact is considered to be a virtue. An example of tact would be relating to someone a potentially embarrassing detail of their appearance or demeanor without causing them distress. Tact is a form of interpersonal diplomacy. Tact is the ability to induce change or communicate hurtful information without offending through the use of consideration, compassion, kindness, and reason.
A tactful person can tell you something you don't want to hear and you will be thankful for the information when they are finished. But generally the more you know the less you need to say.
Here are some relevant quotes that shed some light on pretty rare quality:
A good old man, sir. He will be talking. As they say, when the age is in, the wit is out.
How ironical that it is by means of speech that man can degrade himself below the level of dumb creation -- for a chatterbox is truly of a lower category than a dumb creature.
The habit of common and continuous speech is a symptom of mental deficiency. It proceeds from not knowing what is going on in other people's minds.
The more you know the less you need to say.
They never taste who always drink; they always talk who never think.
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming. --English Proverb
We never say so much as when we do not quite know what we want to say. We need few words when we have something to say, but all the words in all the dictionaries will not suffice when we have nothing to say and want desperately to say it. -- Eric Hoffer
"We have two ears, but only one mouth, so that we may listen more and talk less." — Zeno
Diplomacy is especially valuable during conflicts. It actually emerged from dealing between states which typically have diverge interests, clashes of which led to wars. The key part of any diplomatic communication is the ability during confrontation to express your feelings, needs, legitimate rights or opinions in a inoffensive fashion. Russian president Vladimir Putin ones quipped:
"Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to Hell in such a way that he looks forward to the journey!"
Much depends on your ability to find a viable strategy of negotiations. There is a pretty old, partially obsolete but still relevant book "Getting to Yes" (often used in college courses ;-). The price of old editions is $.01 so it is quite affordable.
The book outline so called "principled" approach to finding compromises in complex conflict-ridden negotiations. The majority of this book is essentially nothing more than a pep talk about believing in yourself, taking the other side seriously, and not being manipulative. The writing is unbelievably wordy and examples are not that realistic but still it deserves taking a look. At least they outline some general principles that you can adapt for yourself.
|The book outline so called "principled" approach to finding compromises in complex conflict-ridden negotiations. The idea on negotiating based on the interests rather than the positions is a fruitful advice.|
The idea on negotiating based on the interests rather than the positions is a fruitful advice. This advice is nothing new and probably was known by ancient Chinese philosophers. The key problem with this advice is that in order to be effective, you have to convince other party to accept the premise of principled negotiation. Good luck with that ;-)
Another very important aspect of diplomacy is the ability not to say a wrong things and, especially, not to reveal unnecessary or confidential information. This is a very difficult ability that very few people possess naturally. It does not help that you can express you feeling in in an inoffensive manner if you betray you position but revealing too much information to the opponent. See How not to say the wrong thing for a potentially useful checklist.
This is especially important if you have problems. In such situation people often became less careful in what they are saying. Please remember, that "When you are in trouble, people who call to sympathize are really looking for the particulars. ~Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911". And here is another relevant quote: "Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. ~Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, July 1735"
There is little more damaging then accidentally revealing the information you did not intend to reveal. This understanding is implicitly reflected in the proverb that fool is more dangerous then the enemy.
The key in preventing such incidents is self-control. Recommendations that were developed for court depositions also can be useful. Here is a relevant quote from How to Excel During Depositions - Techniques for Expert Witnesses That Work By Steven Babitsky, Esq. and James J. Mangraviti, Jr., Esq. (1999):
6.3 Advice on Answering Questions at Depositions
Avoid Absolute Words
You are well advised to avoid, where possible, absolute words such as "always" and "never." Absolute words are frequently an invitation to, and fertile grounds for, cross-examination by counsel. Counsel will attempt to damage your credibility by first getting you to make an absolute statement. She will then use counterexamples in an effort to show the falsity of your statement.
Q: You testified previously that you have read everything written on warning labels, isn’t that correct?
A: Yes, but that was some time ago.
Lesson: The expert’s response here was a good recovery.
Q: Doctor, it’s your testimony that acute stress cannot cause heart attacks under any circumstances, is that correct?
A: It is.
Q: So, Doctor, if I were to reach into my trial bag here (reaches into bag) and pull out a loaded .44 Magnum and point it at your head, and you then had an immediate heart attack, it would be your testimony that the heart attack was not related to stress?
Lesson: The use of absolute words ("any" circumstances) opened the expert up to this sort of cross-examination.
Don’t Elaborate or Volunteer
Volunteering information can be one of the biggest mistakes an expert makes at deposition.
Volunteering information can be one of the biggest mistakes an expert makes at deposition. Generally, an expert should answer only the questions she is asked and not volunteer information. The volunteering of information will almost always result in new lines of cross-examination. It may also disclose information to which counsel otherwise never would have become privy.
Q: What objective findings of malingering did you make?
A: Lack of atrophy, good muscle tone, oil and grease on his fingernails. There were plenty of subjective findings as well.
Q: Let’s get into your so-called subjective findings.
Q: Would you agree with me causation is a medical opinion?
Q: Okay. (Note: No question put to witness, but he answers nonetheless.)
A: If there are idiopathic issues, then it’s a medical opinion. If there are not any glaring idiopathic and if a person works in a job that exposes them to risk factors, then I can certainly analyze the job and determine what factors were present and if the person was exposed to those risk factors and barring any other, you know, medical opinion or medical opinion that says, well, there is an idiopathic issue here also, then we assume that the work caused it.
Q: Can you define for me idiopathic carpal tunnel syndrome?
A: Idiopathic causes would be, for example-can be related to diabetes, pregnancy, heart, circulation, even specific anthropomorphics like the size of a person’s tunnel, carpal tunnel.
Q: The word idiopathic itself, what does that mean?
A: Well, we’ll have to look up the definition.
Q: You’ll defer to the dictionary for that.
Lesson: The witnesses’ volunteering of information in both examples opened up new lines of questioning. They should have stopped their answers after their first sentences.
Be Careful When Using Hedge Words
You need to be careful when using hedge words when expressing your opinion. Such words include "I guess," "I believe," "it seems," "it’s possible," and "I would say." The only reason that you are testifying is to give an opinion.
Hedge words and phrases can quickly undermine your opinion and are an invitation for additional cross-examination.
Worse, counsel may be able to make a motion to have your entire testimony stricken because expert guessing is not allowed under the rules of evidence.
Q: That’s your "guess," sir?
A: Well, what I meant to say, that it was my opinion that….
Lesson: The expert needed to avoid the hedge words. If he had an opinion he believed in, he should have stated it without employing the hedge words.
If you make the concession graciously and move on, you will exude confidence, integrity, and flexibility. If, on the other hand, you doggedly refuse to give an inch, you may come off as rigid and partisan.
In answering questions honestly, you may have to make an occasional concession. If you make the concession graciously and move on, you will exude confidence, integrity, and flexibility. If, on the other hand, you doggedly refuse to give an inch, you may come off as rigid and partisan.
The most common error the beginning expert makes in a deposition is the failure to concede an obvious and irrefutable point out of misguided loyalty to his or her side of the case…. Quibbling over the possible exceptions or equivocating in some way helps no one.
Q: Now, would you agree just because the Glasgow Coma Scale was 15, there were no focal neurological deficits, that one still cannot rule out whether or not Mr. Framo had suffered a concussion or mild brain injury?
A: That’s correct. He could have.
Lesson: When an expert makes a concession promptly without the necessity of a long series of leading questions, the concession’s effect on the jury or fact finder is reduced.
Q: If somebody does a flexion and extension movement making half a million pieces a year, Doctor, would that be significant enough to cause someone to get carpal tunnel syndrome from their job?
A: Again, I would have to look at the specific flexion-extension activity, but certainly that degree of flexion-extension activity at the wrist, one would have to consider that as a, you know, a cause or a contributing factor.
Counsel: Thank you. That’s all I have.
Lesson: When the expert fights the concession every inch of the way and concedes only when left no reasonable alternative explanation, the concession is emphasized. Counsel frequently use such a concession to conclude the deposition with a flourish.
"I Don’t Know"
If you are asked a question that you do not know the answer to, your answer should be, "I don’t know." There is absolutely nothing wrong with this response if you genuinely do not know the answer to the question. There are probably thousands of questions that can be asked of experts in any discipline to which they have no answer. The more the expert hesitates or tries to avoid saying, "I don’t know," the more emphasis is given to this "lack of knowledge" by the jury or fact finder. No amount of hesitation will bring the answer to you if you do not know it.
Q: What is the coefficient for friction for steel on cement?
A: I don’t know.
Lesson: The forthright admission of lack of knowledge was in the expert’s best interest. Had the expert tried to talk around this, it would have only emphasized her lack of knowledge.
Q: If those wrist rests were unavailable prior to 1991, would you agree she had a higher probability then of being in a neutral position?
A: I don’t know. That’s an interesting question. I don’t know. I mean I guess that’s my answer, I don’t know. But I think the wrist rests certainly emphasizes, even though you have the Ridyard’s ergonomic assessment of 1994, if Miss Sanford and/or her supervisor were trained, that would not have been a product of choice.
Lesson: If you allow yourself to get flustered, your lack of knowledge will be emphasized to the jury. The expert in this example would have been better served by replying, "I don’t know" and then sitting quietly and waiting for the next question.
"I Don’t Recall"
When asked about a fact, situation, or occurrence that you honestly do not remember, the best answer is, "I do not remember" or "I don’t recall." This is only an appropriate answer when you honestly have no recollection. Perjury ramifications aside, an endless string of "I don’t recalls" (or even one that may seem hard to believe) may tend to damage your credibility. If your response is that you do not recall, counsel may then attempt to refresh your memory. This is permissible under the rules of evidence.
Q: Doctor, do you have any memory, independent of the medical records, of any of the events that occurred on August 5 of 1990, regarding the treatment of Ms. Lynn?
A: I would say no. Can’t really remember any real specifics on that particular day. I remember snatches of her. Over her two-year course, I recall her and various things over a two-year span, but that particular day I can’t recall any real specifics.
Q: Have you reviewed the medical record of August 5, 1990, from the emergency room, the Baystate Medical Center?
A: Yes, I have.
Q: Does that medical record refresh your memory in any way as to where you were approximately the time that she was admitted to the hospital about 4 a.m. on that day?
A: She came in at 4 a.m. that morning. The reading doesn’t refresh my memory.
Q: Does the record indicate approximately when you first appeared on August 5 at Baystate Medical Center?
A: Just looking at it very quickly now, looked at this in detail earlier, I don’t see anything in the record in and of itself that refreshes my memory on when I physically was present, near Ms. Lynn or in her care. I don’t see anything that would indicate an exact time.
Lesson: As noted above, if the document does not refresh your memory or recollection, you are free to so testify. In this case, counsel was forced to drop this line of inquiry and move on.
Beware of Open-ended Questions
Open-ended questions. These questions invite long, rambling answers
You should be cautious when dealing with open-ended questions. These questions invite long, rambling answers. Counsel may be trying to get you to volunteer information not called for by the question. If you do volunteer information, it is likely that this information will be used against you during cross-examination. You should therefore answer open-ended questions as concisely as possible, being careful not to provide information that was not asked for.
Q: What do you consider to be the unsafe uses of an ATV?
A: Oh…. I can give you some highlights. There are many, many unsafe uses, but classic unsafe use is as a mobile transport form to transport you and a loaded firearm. This is not a motorized attack vehicle. It is not a multi-passenger transport vehicle, although it has to be conceded that because of its stability and because of its wide platform, you can safely transport a passenger on it. You just have to be more careful. But that is not a correct use of the vehicle, so depending-it’s like everything else. You could probably even transport a loaded firearm safely if you took enough precautions, so when I say unsafe use, it’s not a recommended use, not that you can’t pull off that maneuver safely with enough care.
Certainly you could easily find loads and pulling tasks like stumps that just by their nature the vehicle was not designed to do, and people will try and use the dynamics of the vehicle to run up against the rope and jerk on something really hard and say-but that’s not a good idea.
It is not for transport on paved roadways. I mean, you can drive it. It will run. The traffic cops in Hawaii write all their parking tickets on three-wheeled ATVs with tires scrubbed smooth, and you can do that safely, but that’s just not a recommended use. I mean, you are-you are….
I think it’s fair to say unless you know what you’re doing, it is not a competitive speed machine. I mean, there are…people race it and, and…most people don’t have any business racing cars. It doesn’t mean they don’t do it, but that is potentially a hazardous use.
They are not vehicles…for-I don’t know how to characterize this…I’m going to say not very well thought out horseplay. That’s an inelegant statement, but you see uses of these vehicles for games like chicken and…sort of it’s horses substitutes for games. I mean, they are not a horse. I mean I don’t mean that pejoratively. Horses, because they have their own will, they have their own unique set of problems, but an ATV is not a horse, and attempting to use it like one can be a misuse of it.
And finally, I guess, an ATV is not a toy. Anything with a multiple horsepower engine is not a toy in the sense that classic things people think of as a toy is something you can drop-drop in the crib or playpen, and, you know, it ain’t one of those. It’s a vehicle that has the capability of putting energy at the command of anybody…tall enough to reach the handle bars and the accelerator and the gear shift or long enough legs to reach the gear shift, and the people who ergonomically fit that envelope do not overlap totally with the people whose judgment is appropriate for operating one of these, and so use of it as a toy, as a toy substitute, is not appropriate.
Now, obviously, every one of those categories has bits of infinite detail, numerous scenarios.
Lesson: Note the numerous areas of inquiry opened up by this long, rambling answer to a single open-ended question. Experts are better served by brief, succinct replies to open-ended questions. If counsel has follow-up questions, let her ask them. Don’t do the lawyer’s job for her.
Avoid slang expressions when replying to questions. When they are transcribed and read back to a jury, these expressions diminish the value of your reply and can make you sound almost illiterate. Most slang expressions slip from experts unintentionally. To avoid making such a slip, you will need to maintain your concentration and focus.
Q: Now, sir, you were asked on direct examination about the history that you took from Ronald Evans, right?
Q: And the history is the story that he tells you, correct?
Q: Is that a yes?
A: Yes, it is.
Q: And you told us that Mr. Evans told you that he hurt himself while lifting some boxes at work?
Q: Uh-huh, I mean, yes.
Q: Are you familiar with an organization called M.O.R. Incorporated, sir?
Lesson: The expert’s use of slang cheapens his testimony and diminishes his credibility.
Counsel’s "Bumble and Fumble" Gambit
Experts are frequently tricked into volunteering key information by such real or feigned ignorance.
Do not help counsel when he is apparently bumbling or fumbling with some type of technical question. Experts are frequently tricked into volunteering key information by such real or feigned ignorance. Let counsel bumble or fumble all they want. Remember, you are there to answer questions, not to assist counsel in framing them correctly.
Yes or No Responses
If counsel asks for a yes or no response and you can answer the question with a yes or a no, endeavor to do so. If counsel attempts to insist on a yes or no answer to questions that cannot be answered in that fashion, you can state, "I cannot answer that question with a yes or no reply." It will then be up to counsel to either let you explain your answer or rephrase his question.
What to Do When You Make a Mistake
Expert witnesses are not expected to be perfect. During a long and arduous deposition, you may misspeak or make a mistake or error. If you do make a mistake, you should correct the error on the record as soon as you recognize your error. "I want to correct a statement I made a few minutes ago. I stated that the 1991 EMG was related to the surgery. That is incorrect." Counsel may quickly challenge you on your mistake before you have an opportunity to correct it. In that case, admit your error graciously. What you want to avoid after making a mistake is making the matter even worse by your inability or unwillingness to admit the mistake. This could make you look biased. If you discover your mistake after the deposition concludes, notify counsel and correct the deposition transcript when it comes for your signature.
Q: You only treated her for a 1981 accident, correct?
A: You know, it’s interesting, I’m looking at what we wrote down here and it says "1981-1984 motor vehicle accident, recovered." I may have misinterpreted what this note was. The accident was in ‘81, but we saw her in ‘84; and I apologize if I misled you.
Lesson: The expert has done a good job handling his mistake. He comes off as human, and above all, honest.
Q: Your comment was that the normal EMG in 1991 related to the surgery. Now, that doesn’t make sense, does it?
A: Did she have surgery in the interim?
Q: No, she did not.
A: You’re correct, it doesn’t make sense. Well, it doesn’t necessarily not make sense, either, because after surgery for a carpal tunnel syndrome, the EMG changes can wax and wane. You can have EMG positive one month and a year later negative. It may be a direct result of the surgery. My statement may still hold up, but I made that statement in error.
Lesson: The expert here may come off as inflexible, closed-minded, or biased. Either way, he lessens his credibility by trying to explain away his misstatement.
"I Don’t Know, But…"
As an expert witness, you are under oath to tell the truth. You should not speculate, but should testify with a reasonable degree of certainty. At deposition, many experts do not practice this principle and, in fact, speculate freely. One of the most common forms of speculation by experts at deposition is the "I do not know, but…" reply. It is usually a mistake to use this response. First of all, if you don’t know, then any information you provide after the "but" is mere speculation. Secondly, you may volunteer damaging information after the "but."
Q: Do you know whether or not GM employed any other method to determine longitudinal velocity of test dummies?
A: I don’t know if we compute longitudinal velocity based on accelerometers, but I suppose you could.
Lesson: The simple, direct, and best response is, "I don’t know." The throwaway statements that come after the "but" or "I don’t know" reply help counsel by providing him or her with additional information. This type of reply frequently results in new lines of inquiry and detailed questioning by counsel.
Q: Do you know, in this crash test, what causes the voltage drop and rise?
A: I don’t know but that’s typically an indication that the switch is opening and closing.
Q: When you say opening and closing, sir, would you explain what you mean in this context?
Lesson: By providing a "but," the witness has opened a new line of questioning. This was probably avoidable simply by answering the question, "I don’t know" or "No."
Q: Why does crash test 4665 have such charts and the remaining frontal barrier tests do not?
A: Well, I don’t really know, but if you would like me to review the other tests to determine whether or not those tests have such-I can certainly do that, but I guess this one had switches, and they must have been requested.
Lesson: This witness has answered, "I don’t know" and then made an offer to assist counsel. The simple, most accurate, and best reply is, "I don’t know." Any comments made as an afterthought are unwise, unprofessional, and inconsistent with being successful as an expert at deposition.
Sophisticated counsel may attempt to trap the expert witness by the use of the word hope. If you inadvertently agree with a characterization, you may allow the lawyer to successfully call into question the reliability of your opinion. When you are confronted with an "And you are hoping…" question, it may be best to actively refute that characterization. Remember that when you are passive and agree to an attorney’s characterization or mischaracterization, you are in effect letting the attorney put words in your mouth.
Q: Doctor, one more thing. Your opinion here today that Mr. Stanek has asked you about, in part, is based on the history that you get from the patient, isn’t that correct, and your training, obviously?
A: Yes, sure.
Q: And you’re hoping, of course, as most doctors, that the patients are accurate when they give you a history and tell you what’s wrong with them. Is that a fair statement?
Lesson: Counsel has raised questions in the minds of the jury or fact finder regarding the reliability of the history (i.e., assumptions upon which the expert’s opinion was based). "Hoping" may be made to seem akin to "guessing." A better answer might have been, "I don’t ‘hope’ that I was provided an accurate history, I assume so unless I have reason to suspect otherwise."
Refusal to Speculate
You should not permit yourself to be tricked, cajoled, or forced into speculating when answering questions under oath at deposition. There is nothing wrong with the response, "I’m sorry, but I’m not going to speculate on that."
Q: So what you’re saying here is that this coated cable itself is what deflected?
A: That is correct.
Q: And is it also correct to say that when you ran that test that a portion of that coated cable was left outside of the interlocking portion of the lacings?
A: It would be correct to say that that assembly as purchased was assembled based on our understanding and also whatever instructions that came with it so there was an equal portion sticking out of either end. The exact length of the cable beyond the lacing what we refer to as the hinge device I can’t give you a dimension on that. I don’t really recall.
Q: Was there some portion of it?
A: My recollection that the washer was crimped on the metal cap and to what extent the cable stuck out I couldn’t theorize at this point.
Q: Can you say whether it did or whether it didn’t to any extent?
A: I can’t with any accuracy.
Q: I am not asking for any millimeters.
A: I understand. I can’t speculate that it did or did not at this point.
Lesson: The expert did an excellent job of not allowing himself to be pushed into speculating.
Beware of the use of the word possible. Testifying that something is merely "possible" is most likely legally insufficient. If your opinion is only a mere possibility, the judge will most likely not allow it to be presented to the jury as evidence.
Q: Is it your testimony that Ms. Cain’s carpal tunnel syndrome is causally related to her employment as a stitcher at Johnson Company, Doctor?
A: It’s possible.
Q: If I were to say to you, today, that at 4:00 this afternoon, on January the 12th, 1994, here in Buffaloe, New York, it’s going to be sunny, 90 outside and we’re all going to go swimming, that’s a possibility, isn’t it?
A: That’s a possibility.
Q: That’s not a probability?
A: That’s not a probability.
Q: So, a probability is something more likely than not; is that correct?
A: That’s correct.
Q: So, when you say something is probable, you’re saying that something is more likely than not, am I correct in understanding this?
A: If it’s probable, it’s more likely than not.
Q: And possible means-well, anything is possible?
Counsel: Object, as leading.
Q: Well, how would you define possible, Doctor?
A: Possible, I would say something is possible, if there’s some likelihood it may happen, even though it’s remote. Or one of many likelihoods that, something will happen.
Q: So, we’re talking about, essentially something that one can, the difference is, probable is whether you can stake a bet on it. Possible, you might not stake a bet on it?
A: Yeah. In layman’s language, that’s good.
Lesson: When an expert witness at deposition uses the terms possible or possibly, he or she can reasonably expect the above line of questioning by counsel. If the lawyer can show that your opinion is only based on a mere possibility, he may succeed in excluding your opinion from being admitted into evidence at trial.
As an expert, you are testifying under oath. Your testimony will help resolve the rights and liabilities of parties who are involved in a legal dispute. Accordingly, there is no place for you to guess. Experts are well advised to leave the guessing to financial advisers, political pundits, and meteorologists.
Q: What would the purpose be of increasing spool diameter, sir?
A: Well, I’m not sure why they did it in that case. I guess there could be as many reasons as there are diameters of spools.
Q: Mr. Green, what caused the damage to the throttle valve on the accident ATV?
A: I don’t really know for sure, but my best guess was that it was misassembled by the distributor.
Q: Essentially the seat is part of the restraint system, is that correct, sir?
A: Well, I guess the restraint system consists of the belts and their attachment points within the vehicle. That leaves out the seat.
Q: In this case you did work for a company called Comp Management, Inc., correct?
Q: And you’ve done other work for them?
A: I guess so.
Q: Well, yes or no?
A: I don’t know.
Lesson: Your "guesses" are not admissible in evidence. Guessing can only hurt your credibility. It should be avoided.
"I Don’t Understand the Question"
You need not answer questions that you do not understand. If the question propounded to you is confusing, the preferred answer is, "I don’t understand the question." Exercise caution in giving "I don’t understand" replies to avoid answering questions improperly. For example, if you are one of the leading computer experts in the world and have testified that you didn’t understand a question about a browser, it is likely that your credibility will be impaired. You must answer truthfully and are permitted to answer, "I don’t understand" only when that is the actual case.
Q: Do you know whether or not GM vehicles manufactured prior to 1995 ever incorporated a retractor assembly with a limitation on the amount of slack that could be produced into the shoulder harness webbing?
A: I don’t understand.
Q: Let me try and rephrase the question.
Lesson: When the expert legitimately answers, "I don’t know," counsel is forced to rephrase the question or move on. By only answering questions that you understand, you will help ensure that the testimony you give is accurate and not misleading.
Frequently, attorneys attempt to confuse the expert at deposition by asking compound questions; that is, two questions combined. Sometimes the question is asked in a stream of consciousness manner that is difficult to comprehend, let alone answer accurately. When faced with such questions, appropriate responses include: "Counsel, you have asked several questions. Can you simplify the question so I can answer it accurately?" and, "Counsel, I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question. Could you please rephrase it?"
Q: Well, I guess what I’m having trouble with is you have concluded that he’s malingering, there’s nothing wrong with him. Yet on a test, for instance, that tests the ability of a person to be conceptual, he gives an answer which in and of itself you didn’t think showed malingering. I’m trying to understand how he has all these difficulties and how you come to the conclusion that the answers that he gave that were incorrect show malingering.
A: Counsel, you have asked several questions. Can you simplify the question so I can answer it accurately?
Lesson: The expert provided a good response to counsel’s question.
Q: In those cases where there was one for the plaintiff or the treating doctor and the second for a defense neuropsychologist, the fact that the test results-you determined the test results were invalid because there’s no-not that consistency, does that invalidate the first testing? Can you determine-if you see two inconsistent tests, does that mean both are invalid or the first may be valid and the second invalid?
A: That’s a complicated question to which I don’t have a definitive answer. I can say that on many of the tests the average scores for the first testing and the second testing were not significantly different; in other words, they did about equally as well. Although, I have to make clear that the scores on the second testing, while not significantly different statistically, did tend to be a little lower than the scores on the first testing. And looks like-it would look like that under pressure of litigation with the second testing coming up, perhaps when trial was coming close or something of that sort, that these people were just not able to put forth quite as good a performance as they did on the first testing. But at the same time the scores were generally-they were not strikingly different. The inconsistency, the intraindividual inconsistency were the striking elements of differences between the two testings.
Lesson: A better answer might have been, "I don’t know." As you might expect, the answer given opened up several new areas of inquiry.
You should not make unfounded or unsupported assumptions in an attempt to answer a question. If you can’t answer or don’t know the answer, say so. Expert witnesses need not and should not make unsupported or unsubstantiated assumptions in an attempt to answer questions at deposition.
Q: Does the computer program have the capability of printing out a master index of all of the crash tests?
A: I don’t know, but I would assume that some computer person set this system up and can go in and generate a list of all of the data in there….
Lesson: Assuming in a case like this is akin to guessing and should be avoided. A better answer might have been, "I don’t know."
Steve Babitsky is the President of SEAK, Inc. and is the co-author of How To Excel During Depositions: Techniques For Experts That Work. For further information, visit www.seak.com or call (508) 548-7023. Also visit SEAK's Expert Witness Directory.
Always try to document and analyze past conflicts and your behaviour in them. Study, document and respect the legitimate wants, needs and feelings of others. First of all remembering then and pitfalls they present is a cornerstone of diplomacy. In a way:
Good Judgment Comes From Experience. Experience Comes From Bad Judgment ;-).
So in a way you past mistakes are essential in preventing future. It helps to think about ways to lessen the level of hostility (and associated level of confrontation) by communicating in a more diplomatic way.
Keep a diary, be honest in it, but keep it is a safe place. Never use your personal email account as a diary and generally such things are safer to write on paper, not electronically. If you want to type buy then type it in, say, in MS Word, print it and destroy the electronic copy. Never store it in your office. Lock the drawer in which you put it at home. It should be a really private thing. Never share it with anybody.
Try to replay past episodes, trying to talk in more diplomatic way alone or with a friend.
Document implicit "rules of the game" you consider fair and each case when you or the other party are not playing by the rules. One important way to lessen the level of confrontation is to adhere to the rules. Accept that your opponents viewpoints may be different from yours, but that "the rules of the game" should be binding for both parties. Nothing provokes more hostility then breaking the rules.
The most important factor in diplomacy is the level of understanding of the situation you deal with. So nothing can replace preparation and careful study of the situation. Collect information about people you are dealing with but never spy. Keep a diary and update it daily before going to bad.
Due to this factor there is no absolute rules in diplomacy and famous quotes (such as from Talleyrand) are mutually contradictory and following them blindly can hurt, if you misread the situation and its natural dynamic. You need to collect and analyze your own personal history to find out what is working for you and what is not. After all Talleyrand was a great diplomat not just because he was able to find apt words to express his opinion, but first of all because he simultaneously was a great, visionary politician, who was able to see the "natural direction" of development of particular historical situation more clearly then others, and act accordingly.
Also there is a danger of overdoing sound recommendations ("excessive zeal" is the major weakness of Dale Carnegie recommendations; he actually built his books empire by propaganda of excesses and hypocrisy which. in reality, instantly evoke strong hostile reaction). And if the other party suspect hypocrisy, your situation considerably deteriorate. None of your words will be taken at face value. In a very deep way, appearing sincere is more important, then to appear diplomatic as loss of trust is fatal in any communication. So building trust is an important part of diplomacy that is far above in importance then all fancy rules and recommendations.
As diplomacy is an art. That means that compliance with prescribed formulas. Checklists, and decision matrixes is of little value if it is not accompanied by critical thinking about the situation and independent judgment. People, who mastered dozen or so printed in books and even more articles (including this one ;-) might be ever worse then they were before, if they are intellectually complacent, strategically illiterate and have an antipathy to "politics". Or worse wear it as a badge of honor.
Still, if you understand that no rules are absolute, some framework might help.
Among such "semi-useful rules" we can mention:
Another interesting read might be Robert Cialdini - The 6 Principles of Influence . He also has a book Influence The Psychology of Persuasion The book is entertaining, but it's fundamentally lightweight
Authoritarians usually try to intimidate the opponent, but at the same time they hate pushovers. To assert yourself, incorporate the following body language:
Of course, in spite of your best efforts to be direct and calm, the authoritarian you’re talking to may behave as if you're having an argument with him/her, criticizing and/or provoking you. For those interactions, practice the following:
There is no royal way to mastering diplomacy. First and foremost it requires hard work. It requires your personal growth as a person. Some people are more naturally gifted then other, but some basic staff with enough effort can be mastered by anybody. In the end, you might be surprised to discover how much more people actually like and respect the new, more diplomatic way you behave. And how many unnecessary confrontations you can easily avoid.
Just reading a pep talk about believing in yourself, taking the other side seriously, and not being manipulative does not get you anywhere. Hard daily work on keeping your diary, finding better ways to deal with common situation and avoiding past mistakes will. It just not take you anywhere to know that it is important to "see the other person as someone who has goals" you need to know what particular goals the other person has and is he/she able to play by the rules. This is difficult to achieve without important without home analysis and documentation of past behaviors. You do need to do your daily push-ups and sit-ups though, and keep a diary in order to succeed.
Gradually you will see improved understanding of the situation, greater moral courage and more creative intelligence in your interactions. Again this is an art, not a science, but hard work eventually gives positive results. Age also helps ;-) Keep trying !
Dr. Nikolai Bezroukov
Sept 26, 2015 | The New York Times
Businesspeople generally think of networking as a mutually beneficial meeting for both parties. But that's not usually what it is. Far more often, it is one person asking the other for a favor.
I have been a management consultant, business owner and speaker for more than 12 years. Before that, I was a business executive and a trial lawyer. Along the way I have received invaluable advice from others — guidance that educated me and helped me make important professional connections. Because this advice has been such a great help to me, I believe in helping others in the same way, without expecting anything in return.
During the course of a year I receive numerous requests from people I do not know, asking me to network. I respond by meeting at least once a week with someone who is seeking advice on their careers or businesses, either in person or on the phone.
In the course of these meetings, I have come across people who fall under the category of what I call "networking parasites." These are people who fail to understand that I am giving them information that my regular clients pay for.
I am not alone in this. Doctors, accountants, plumbers, computer experts, lawyers and financial advisers all must deal with people shamelessly asking for meetings, free advice or free services or treatment — without remotely acknowledging that these professionals make their living selling that time and expertise. Over the years, dozens of experts have told me about being accosted at parties and on airplanes by strangers who ask for a free consultation under the guise of "conversation."
Surely you do not want to be the kind of person who antagonizes professionals in this way. So here are some tips to help you avoid becoming a networking parasite.
Margaret Morford is the owner of the HR Edge, a management consulting firm, and the author of "The Hidden Language of Business."
- Make the meeting convenient. Ask for time frames that would work well, and meet at a place that is convenient for them, even if you have to drive across town. If they leave it up to you, give them three options and let them pick the one that works best. Recently, someone asked me to meet him for coffee, and I told him I could make "just about anything work" on a particular Friday. He responded with, "I like to start my day early, so let's meet for coffee near your office at 6 a.m." I wrote back that 6 a.m. was too early, to which he responded, "O.K. Let's make it 7 a.m." If you want me to pull out all the stops for you, this is not the way to start.
- Buy their coffee or meal. Insist on doing this as a sign of how valuable you consider their time and advice. If you are on a tight budget, ask them to coffee, but insist on paying for it by saying, "This is a huge favor to me, so please let me do this small thing for you." If you can manage it financially, try to meet for drinks or dinner after work. You will get more of their attention if you are not sandwiched in during their day.
- Go with a prepared list of questions. People whose advice is worth seeking are busy. They don't have time to sit through your stream-of-consciousness thoughts. Figure out in advance what information you want from them, and send your list ahead of time so they can be thinking about the answers.
- Don't argue about their advice or point out why it wouldn't work for you. You can ask for clarification by finding out how they would handle a particular concern you have, but don't go beyond that. You get to decide whether or not to use their advice.
- Don't ask for intellectual property or materials. I am amazed at the number of people who ask for copies of my PowerPoint presentations and seminar materials to use in their organization, with no understanding that these materials are original and copyrighted — and that's how I make my living.
- Never ask for any written follow-up. It is your job to take good notes during your meeting, not their job to send you bullet points after the meeting. No one should get homework after agreeing to help someone.
- Spend time at the end of the meeting finding out what you can do for them. Do you know anyone who could use their services, or who would make a good professional connection? At the very least, consider writing a recommendation for them on LinkedIn.
- Always thank them more than once. Thank them at the end of the meeting, expressing your appreciation for the time they have spent with you. Follow up with a handwritten note — not an email or a text.
- Do not refer others to the same expert. I just helped someone (whom I didn't know well) polish her résumé and craft her job-search pitch. Then I worked my contacts and helped her land a great new job. The result? I received emails from two strangers, asking me to "network" with them, because the person I had just helped suggested they contact me to do the same for them.
- Ask an expert for free help only once. If the help someone offered you was so valuable that you would like them to provide it again, then pay for it the next time.
- As you ask people for help, always consider how you in turn can help others. At the end of each workweek make a list of the people you have helped, and the favors you have done for which you received nothing in return. If your list is empty week after week, then you really are a networking parasite.
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A collection of "Preoccupations" columns published in The New York Times.
The New York Times
Send your workplace conundrums to firstname.lastname@example.org, including your name and contact information (even if you want it withheld for publication). The Workologist is a guy with well-intentioned opinions, not a professional career adviser. Letters may be edited.
Are conversations with a human resources department confidential? I’m contemplating retirement in about three years and would like to gather benefit information from human resources now — but I do not want my supervisor to know. Once I decide, I would like to give three weeks’ notice.
However, a former colleague tells me that when she gave notice, it appeared as if her supervisor already knew. She’d had three conversations with H.R. before resigning. LOS ANGELES
The short answer: You should not assume that conversations with human resources will remain wholly confidential. And when it comes to a potential staffing issue, H.R. may in fact feel obligated to keep management informed.
Let me back up. “An H.R. professional should maintain the employee’s confidentiality to the extent possible,” says Edward Yost, H.R. business partner at the Society for Human Resource Management, a trade organization. But that caveat at the end is crucial: H.R. workers, he continues, must negotiate the “razor’s edge of balancing confidentiality with the overall needs of the business.”
So although managers may not need to be alerted immediately about a potential departure three years in the future, they would almost certainly prefer more than a few weeks to recruit a replacement — a process that can easily take two or three months, Mr. Yost says. Thus, he says, “It’s not always realistic for an H.R. employee to say, ‘I won’t say anything until you put in your notice,’ because that’s not fair to the business.”
Workers often assume there’s some sort of H.R. parallel to the confidentiality they’d expect from a doctor or a lawyer. That’s not the case, says Debi F. Debiak, a lawyer and labor and employment consultant in Montclair, N.J. Barring circumstances involving, for instance, a medical condition, “there is no legal obligation to maintain confidentiality” about a retirement discussion, she says.
“Once H.R. receives notice of an employee retiring,” she says, there may be a de facto “obligation to provide sufficient information to the business unit to plan ahead and ensure a smooth transition.” This doesn’t necessarily mean that your H.R. contact will make a beeline for your supervisor’s office. But he or she might be expected to speak up during, say, a discussion about succession planning.
That said, Mr. Yost says the H.R. worker should be transparent. “No employee should walk out of that office without a realistic expectation of what level of confidentiality they can expect,” he says.
Of course, the details at any given company will vary. Mr. Yost says that an employee might choose to have a frank conversation with a trusted H.R. person. If, however, you have doubts (as in this case), you might keep your ultimate plans vague. Perhaps frame your questions as generic inquiries related to long-term or even hypothetical financial or tax planning — without signaling concrete plans to leave.
Setting a Date to Say ‘So Long’
I have decided to leave my job early next year to pursue my lifelong goal of hiking the Appalachian Trail. It’s a six-month undertaking, and I don’t plan to return to the job, although it is a nice one — good pay and benefits, with attentive and supportive managers.
My question is: When is the best time to tell my boss? It’s a fairly skilled job position to fill, requiring creative knowledge and some training. It would really benefit the company, I think, to know in advance that it needs to hire someone, and maybe even have me train my replacement, so that there is limited loss of productivity when I leave. Two weeks seems too short, and I don’t want to add stress to my manager’s plate around the holidays. Suggestions? DURHAM, N.C.
First, assuming that “hiking the Appalachian Trail” isn’t a Mark Sanford-inspired euphemism for a more dubious adventure, congratulations on pursuing this longtime dream. Let’s hope your manager is happy for you, too. But it’s probable that his or her thoughts may turn rather quickly to your replacement.
Let’s use the benchmark suggested in the answer to the very different resignation-timing question above as a starting point: Two or three months may not be enough time for your bosses to get a replacement on board for you to train personally — but it’s certainly enough notice to keep them from feeling blindsided.
Getting more specific about the timing depends on a mix of practical factors and personal temperament. Your manager would probably prefer to hear about your plans immediately. But I’d recommend waiting until you’re absolutely certain that you’re really doing this, and that you don’t plan to return to the job. Not to be a pessimist, but life is unpredictable, and the last thing you want is to end up trying to rescind your resignation after some curveball event changes your plans.
The Workologist’s entrepreneur and manager friends don’t like it when I say this, but the logistics of recruiting and training your replacement aren’t your problem. (After all, workers are rarely laid off or fired in a way that ensures they have adequate time to “replace” their job in a manner to their liking.) Still, I concede that giving two weeks’ notice for a move you’ve planned for half a year is likely to leave a bad taste in your ex-boss’s mouth. It is a good thing to speak up early, particularly if your relationship with your employer is positive.
Just be aware that even the most nurturing manager may suddenly see you as a lame duck or worse the moment you say you are leaving. So give as much notice as you can — without putting yourself at risk.
Jun 19, 2015 | Foreign Policy
...In interviews with Foreign Policy, her European colleagues have described her as "brash," "direct," "forceful," "blunt," "crude," and occasionally, "undiplomatic." But they also stressed that genuine policy differences account for their frustrations with her — in particular, her support for sending arms to Ukraine as the country fends off a Russian-backed rebellion, a policy not supported by the White House.
"She doesn't engage like most diplomats," said a European official. "She comes off as rather ideological."
While European complaints about Nuland's diplomatic style are genuine and fairly ubiquitous, she has also been dealt an incredibly difficult hand.
Nuland frequently meets with senior European leaders who outrank her and delivers messages they often don't want to hear.
In a crisis of this magnitude, many of these delicate tasks would traditionally get kicked up to Nuland's boss, the undersecretary of state for political affairs, Wendy Sherman. But Sherman has been saddled with the momentous job of leading the U.S. negotiating team in the Iran nuclear talks, giving Nuland an unusual degree of latitude and influence for an assistant secretary.
This significant level of autonomy has led her interlocutors to fixate on her as a driving force of hawkishness within the Obama administration, whether fairly or not.
"Many Europeans, and certainly Moscow, hate Nuland, which is just one more reason why her political base on Capitol Hill adores her," said a congressional aide familiar with the issue.
In Europe, Nuland is widely presumed to be the leading advocate for shipping weapons to Kiev — a proposal bitterly opposed by the Germans, Hungarians, Italians, and Greeks who fear setting off a wider conflict with Moscow.
The White House has also argued against providing lethal assistance to Kiev because Moscow enjoys what's known as "escalation dominance," or the ability to outmatch and overwhelm Ukrainian forces regardless of the type of assistance the United States would provide.
Nuland is not the only Obama administration official who has supported arming Ukraine, but in Europe, she has become the face of this policy, thanks to a pivotal event that occurred in February during the annual Munich Security Conference.
At the outset of the forum, Nuland and Gen. Philip Breedlove delivered an off-the-record briefing to the visiting U.S. delegation, which included about a dozen U.S. lawmakers in the House and Senate. Unbeknownst to Nuland and Breedlove, a reporter from the German newspaper Bild snuck into the briefing room and published a report that reverberated across Germany but gained little to no traction in English-language media.
The report said Nuland and Breedlove were pressing U.S. lawmakers to support the shipment of defensive weapons to Ukraine and belittling the diplomatic efforts German Chancellor Angela Merkel and French President François Hollande were making in Russia.
"We would not be in the position to supply so many weapons that Ukraine could defeat Russia. That is not our goal," Breedlove was quoted as saying. "But we must try to raise the price for Putin on the battlefield."
Nuland reportedly added, "I would like to urge you to use the word 'defensive system' to describe what we would be delivering against Putin's offensive systems," according to a translation.
... ... ...
In December, Democrats and Republicans in Congress overwhelmingly passed legislation authorizing the president to provide lethal aid to Ukraine, including ammunition, troop-operated surveillance drones, and antitank weapons. The president agreed to sign the legislation only because it did not require him to provide the aid, which he has yet to do. Trying a new tactic this week, the Senate included a provision in its military policy bill that would withhold half of the $300 million for Ukrainian security assistance until 20 percent of the funds is spent on lethal weaponry for Kiev. The provision is opposed by the White House for fear that lethal assistance would only serve to escalate the bloodshed in Ukraine and hand Putin an excuse for further violent transgressions.
While policy differences like this one account for some of the bad blood between Nuland and her European counterparts, her tough style clearly plays a role as well.
"Some tend to perceive Nuland's assertiveness as a bit too over the edge, at least for the muffled European diplomatic environment," said Federiga Bindi, a senior fellow at Johns Hopkins University's School of Advanced International Studies.
... ... ...
Despite the fact that Nuland is not outside the mainstream of many State Department views on the Ukraine crisis, her reputation as the most pugnacious of hawks isn't likely to subside in the minds of Europeans anytime soon. In many ways, that's because she'll never live down the moment that made her famous: the leaking of a private phone call of her disparaging the European Union in 2014 as the political standoff between the Ukrainian opposition and former Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych unfurled.
August 18, 2014 | The Chronicle of Higher EducationDespite its fondness for elaborate rituals, higher education really isn’t all that polite. Every campus has its faculty or staff member(s) who are notoriously fractious and hard to work with, and, more generally, higher education doesn’t really select for “playing well with others.” (Indeed, if you Google “academic decorum,” a result on the first page includes musings on whether creativity and collegiality are truly compatible.) Higher education’s traditional employment practices can mean that people have the opportunity to nurse grudges over extended periods of time.
Paul Ford’s recent essay, “How to Be Polite,” offers sustained courtesy–understood here as, minimally, respect for others (Do. Not. Touch. Other. People’s. Hair. Just . . . No. [How can it be 2014 and this still needs to be explained? But it does!]), but extending into a kind of all-encompassing empathy–as an undervalued professional survival skill:
For example, after two years ago at the end of an arduous corporate project, slowly turning a thousand red squares in a spreadsheet to yellow, then green, my officemate turned to me and said: “I thought you were a terrible ass-kisser when we started working together.”
She paused and frowned. “But it actually helped get things done. It was a strategy.” (That is how an impolite person gives a compliment. Which I gladly accepted.)
She was surprised to see the stubborn power of politeness over time. Over time. That’s the thing. Mostly we talk about politeness in the moment. Please, thank you, no go ahead, I like your hat, cool shoes, you look nice today, please take my seat, sir, ma’am, etc. All good, but fleeting.
Ford’s essay explores a few dimensions of courtesy: its role as self-protection; its deference to others; and the way that even this path of self-protection and deference can lead to “a sense of overwhelming love and empathy. I look at the other person and am overwhelmed with joy.” Its tone is light, not hectoring, so it’s definitely worth reading the whole thing.
There are many opportunities, in an academic setting, to practice this form of sustained politeness–even while being critical. (My most cherished memory of being president of a faculty union was when a member praised my “ability to tell someone to [go to hell] without it sounding insulting.”)
One special point I would make in the context of higher ed is that having a flexible memory is important. On the one hand, I would not want anyone to risk harm to their person or career by indiscriminately “having a short memory.” People who are bullies or harassers need to be held accountable or avoided, not drawn out in an elaborate social ritual. On the other hand, I also think it’s useful if we give people some space for self-reinvention. Instead of using *every* difference in perspective as a chance to revisit the Great Intradepartmental Civil War of 2005, or even just that time that jerk beat you to your preferred parking spot, taking a breath and sorting out issues on their contemporary merits surely has a place.
- This isn’t about tone. I’m not interested in being part of the tone police, which feels like an attempt to muffle dissent.
- Relatedly, it’s probably somewhat easier to endorse Ford’s politeness from positions of relative privilege. That said, I think we’re all capable of wishing that people in positions of privilege imagined that people have “around them a two or three foot invisible buffer . . . Whatever happens inside that buffer is entirely up to them. It has nothing to do with me.”
- Also, I’m extraordinarily reluctant to impose politeness as a requirement, because I’ve too often seen concerns over “collegiality” used as a fig leaf for some pretty shady practices. So if we can imagine that I’m endorsing Ford’s practice of courtesy without in any way suggesting people should be formally sanctioned for lapses in politeness, that would be lovely. Thanks!
How about you? Do you practice strategic courtesy? What works for you?
April 07, 2013 | latimes.com
It works in all kinds of crises -- medical, legal, even existential. It's the 'Ring Theory' of kvetching. The first rule is comfort in, dump out.
When Susan had breast cancer, we heard a lot of lame remarks, but our favorite came from one of Susan's colleagues. She wanted, she needed, to visit Susan after the surgery, but Susan didn't feel like having visitors, and she said so. Her colleague's response? "This isn't just about you."
"It's not?" Susan wondered. "My breast cancer is not about me? It's about you?"
The same theme came up again when our friend Katie had a brain aneurysm. She was in intensive care for a long time and finally got out and into a step-down unit. She was no longer covered with tubes and lines and monitors, but she was still in rough shape. A friend came and saw her and then stepped into the hall with Katie's husband, Pat. "I wasn't prepared for this," she told him. "I don't know if I can handle it."
This woman loves Katie, and she said what she did because the sight of Katie in this condition moved her so deeply. But it was the wrong thing to say. And it was wrong in the same way Susan's colleague's remark was wrong.
Susan has since developed a simple technique to help people avoid this mistake. It works for all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential. She calls it the Ring Theory.
Draw a circle. This is the center ring. In it, put the name of the person at the center of the current trauma. For Katie's aneurysm, that's Katie. Now draw a larger circle around the first one. In that ring put the name of the person next closest to the trauma. In the case of Katie's aneurysm, that was Katie's husband, Pat. Repeat the process as many times as you need to. In each larger ring put the next closest people. Parents and children before more distant relatives. Intimate friends in smaller rings, less intimate friends in larger ones. When you are done you have a Kvetching Order. One of Susan's patients found it useful to tape it to her refrigerator.
... ... ...
When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help. Listening is often more helpful than talking. But if you're going to open your mouth, ask yourself if what you are about to say is likely to provide comfort and support. If it isn't, don't say it. Don't, for example, give advice. People who are suffering from trauma don't need advice. They need comfort and support. So say, "I'm sorry" or "This must really be hard for you" or "Can I bring you a pot roast?" Don't say, "You should hear what happened to me" or "Here's what I would do if I were you." And don't say, "This is really bringing me down."
If you want to scream or cry or complain, if you want to tell someone how shocked you are or how icky you feel, or whine about how it reminds you of all the terrible things that have happened to you lately, that's fine. It's a perfectly normal response. Just do it to someone in a bigger ring.
Comfort IN, dump OUT.
There was nothing wrong with Katie's friend saying she was not prepared for how horrible Katie looked, or even that she didn't think she could handle it. The mistake was that she said those things to Pat. She dumped IN.
Complaining to someone in a smaller ring than yours doesn't do either of you any good. On the other hand, being supportive to her principal caregiver may be the best thing you can do for the patient.
Most of us know this. Almost nobody would complain to the patient about how rotten she looks. Almost no one would say that looking at her makes them think of the fragility of life and their own closeness to death. In other words, we know enough not to dump into the center ring. Ring Theory merely expands that intuition and makes it more concrete: Don't just avoid dumping into the center ring, avoid dumping into any ring smaller than your own.
Remember, you can say whatever you want if you just wait until you're talking to someone in a larger ring than yours.
And don't worry. You'll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that.
Susan Silk is a clinical psychologist. Barry Goldman is an arbitrator and mediator and the author of "The Science of Settlement: Ideas for Negotiators."
While I am very sure much has been written to explore the ‘Six Principles of Influence and Persuasion’ (by Dr. Robert Cialdini) in practice: to criticise and debunk their simple or superficial nature, I have to admit that I rather like them for that very reason: their simplicity and because they appeal to my sense of ‘ah ha, that’s one of the reasons I fall for that ploy every time’!
In my training workshops on behavioral change around building effective relationships at work and in learning how to become more influential to get more of the right things done in the right way, I often explore Cialdini’s principles and candidates are always intrigued. So often, in my career in human resource management, training and development, I was given feedback like: ‘you need to be more influential: you need to influence a wider group of people, you need to get more back-up for your ideas by influencing better’. I am so sorry I did not discover Cialdini sonner!
So, here’s the advice, for those working in organisations who have to get agreement and buy-in for their ideas, plans and projects; who have to do that difficult thing of influencing without direct authority, in a world where everyone is very busy and only wants to get out into the sunshine.
Principle One: Reciprocity. We feel obliged to return favours: one good turn deserves another. It’s just a simple fact of life. The secret is to be the first to give and choose the person to whom you give wisely. It sounds a bit ‘calculating’ but actually we do this naturally every day in lots of subtle ways e.g., I help you with that spreadsheet and then a few weeks later I feel totally okay about going back to you to ask for your support in a meeting.
Principle Two: Commitment (and Consistency). We like to be consistent and to honour our commitments. A brilliant example of this in practice was given to me only yesterday in one of my training workshops. The candidate said that he wanted to influence someone on his team to take on more responsibility and to consider taking on a management role. The individual was reluctant to do so, and therefore required some persuading. What he did was give the individual a ‘taster’ first to get some initial up-front commitment. He gave them a trial in the role, with no obligation to continue afterwards. At the end of the trial period they took up the offer to continue in the role. Ideally, an early commitment needs to be in writing to secure the commitment completely.
Principle Three: Social Proof. We will do what others are doing, especially if they are similar to us. For example, we’re more likely to work late if others in our team are doing the same and we are more likely to do this if we feel uncertain e.g., maybe we are newly hired. In my role as a Trainer and Coach within the organisational setting I spent time creating an interest in my projects with people who influenced others: it could be a Senior Operator whom other Operators respected and then highlighting the number of people who were happy with the process already, people similar to the audience I was targeting, using testimonials and case studies.
Principle Four: Liking. We are attracted to people we like. Taking time to build rapport, showing an interest at a personal level and sharing personal stories, all work in our favour when influencing others and bringing them towards our ideas. Developing your emotional intelligence (EQi) and active listening ability, will increase your influencing power especially when using this principle. We can all recall the many times at work when we were really attracted to a senior manager and wanted instinctively to follow them, just because they had shared some personal stories with us and revealed to us their humanity and vulnerability.
Principle Five: Authority. We feel a sense of duty or obligation towards authority. We do what our manager asks of us; we comply with the health and safety rules when the Company Doctor explains how breaking the rules can result in personal injury (especially if they wear a white coat!). We are susceptible to the ‘trappings’ of authority, and that is why I always used my qualifications after my name to increase my authority in the field of HR/Training and in one company I worked, we were encouraged to display our certificates on the wall behind the desk: it works for Doctors, Dentists and other Practitioners in the health area in particular. You can also use the authority of others to influence and once I agreed a plan with the Managing Director, I used their authority to help get support for my ideas with other people in the organisation.
Principle Six: Scarcity. We are attracted to things and services when we think they are scare or will become scarce. You can use this principle at work by emphasising the urgent important nature of your project and the possible consequences should your ideas not be taken up on time. For example, this is an effective principle to use in organisations with ethical, environmental, quality or safety regulations, if you can sit your project well within the parameters of compliance. The scarcity principle can also be used where there are bottom-line customers who are affected directly by your work.
There are always ‘terms and conditions’ of use so here they are: the 6 principles are to be used wisely and ethically to the benefit of everyone.
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July 31, 2004This review is from: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Paperback)
This is the sort of book one is inclined to wish one had read carefully at a young age. All successful people have developed skills to get what they want. As a young man for a while I got my way with a particular person by advising "A" when what I really wanted was "Not-A". But Robert Caldini's great book lays it all out systematically, and I guess I now regard the A/Not-A device as an example of abnormal psychology at work.
Caldini starts by saying: "I can admit it freely now. All my life I've been a patsy." An "easy mark...." This "long-standing status as a sucker" made Cialdini interested in the "psychology of compliance." Why do requests put one way mostly fail while a slightly different approach often wins? For nearly three years Cialdini combined experimental studies with "systematic immersion into the world of compliance professionals - sales operators, fund-raisers, recruiters, advertisers, and others."
There are thousands of different tactics used by those aiming to get someone to say "yes", but the majority fall within six basic categories, each of which is governed by a "fundamental psychological principle that directs human behaviour and, in so doing, gives the tactics their power." The principles are consistency, reciprocation, social proof, authority, liking and scarcity. This list deliberately does not include "the simple rule of material self-interest" since this is an obvious motivator not worthy of detailed examination. (As an economist, I am put well and truly in my place by this observation. One assumes that, as in the famous story, Cialdini chose to experiment on economists rather than rats since one gets to like rats after a while.)
Chapter one is entitled "Weapons of influence." Animals and people (even economists!) operate with certain automatic rules that usually produce a good result. Often in this book Cialdini introduces experiments from animal or people studies to buttress the psychological arguments. In this chapter he discusses how mothering behaviour in turkeys is triggered by the "cheep-cheep" sound of young turkeys, a response often observed in the Thornton household, incidentally.
A reflex of many people, especially it seems Americans on holiday, is to use the rule "expensive = good." In fact the example that starts chapter one is of a seller of jewelry who accidentally doubled instead of halved the price of some jewelry it was proving hard to move. After a short absence from her shop, to her surprise she found that the previously difficult-to-move items had all been sold.
Another rule is that people are more likely to agree to a request if a reason is given - "People simply like to have reasons for what they do." So if you need to go to the top of the queue, give a good reason, and most of the time people will let you in. In fact, the research cited shows it was the use of the word "because" rather than the inherent strength of the reason that produces this result.
Then there is "the contrast principle." An example from the retail world illustrates. Salespeople in retail stores are often instructed to sell the most expensive item first. Having paid a lot for a suit, for example, most people it seems pay more for shirts and ties than if they started with those relatively inexpensive items first. Car dealers first sell you the car, then add the optional extras. With a different use of contrast, real estate salespeople start by showing you the undesirable properties first - they have a set of these, called "set-up" properties.
The process of using "weapons of persuasion" is subtle, not crude. "With proper execution, the exploiters need hardly strain a muscle to get their way ... the approach is not unlike that of the Japanese martial art form called jujitsu."
And now to the principles themselves. Each chapter starts with a nice quote, that I have reproduced.
Reciprocation - "Pay every debt, as if God wrote the bill." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
The rule of reciprocation "possesses awesome strength." This is not basically related to liking - people are programmed to respond positively to a request if they have previously accepted a gift even from a stranger. The famous case is the Krishna organisation whose members give people a flower or a book before asking for a donation - works like a charm apparently.
Retailers know the power of the "free gift" - eg the cubes of cheese in food halls, the wine tasting in wine shops or at wineries, the Amway phenomenon, the power of the Tupperware party.
Politics works like this also - "logrolling" being a powerful American example, Lyndon Johnson being the master of this game. The power of the political donation in Australian politics shows this is not just an American trait, although I suspect reciprocation reaches its highest art form there.
A more subtle version of reciprocation comes when one feels bound to respond to a concession. "Will you buy my raffle tickets for $10?" "No" "Will you but two chocolate bars for $2?" Often one does, the original requestor having made a concession one is forced to match.
The most stunning example given by Cialdini concerns the Watergate break-in. Apparently G Gordon Liddy first presented an absolutely outrageous plan. When he was told "no" he later came back with a less costly but still outrageous plan. After a second "no" he finally came up with a stupid but even less expensive plan which several apparently sane men approved.
This chapter ends with a section on "How to say no."
There is another famous quote that says something like: "No good turn goes unpunished." Cialdini does not discuss this apparent contradiction of the reciprocation principle - perhaps it is another example of abnormal psychology.
Commitment and Consistency - "It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end." - Leonardo da Vinci.
Two Canadian psychologists have shown that , immediately after placing a bet, punters become far more confident about the chances of the horse they back Humans have, Cialdini asserts, a "nearly obsessive desire to be (and to appear) consistent ..." This is another example of a trait that in many circumstances is useful and adaptive. "Without it our lives would be difficult, erratic and disjointed." Too much thinking is difficult. But there is a more perverse attraction of mechanical consistency. "Sometimes it is not the effort of hard, cognative work that makes us shirk thoughtful activity, but the harsh consequences of that activity. Sometimes it is the cursedly clear and unwelcome set of answers provided by straight thinking that makes us mental slackers."
But the forces making for consistency can readily be exploited. Cialdini provides a nice example of how toy stores use this principle to boost post Christmas sales. (Coles Meyer, if you do not know this trick, now is the moment.) But what is it that produces the "click that activates the whirr of the powerful consistency tape?" "Commitment" is the answer. If we take a stand, we are likely to behave in ways stubbornly consistent with that stand.
Telephone marketers routinely ask: "How are you feeling this evening, Mr Jones?" Apparently, once you have said you feel fine, it is hard to refuse to give to the anti-cancer fund or to help a third-world orphan, even thought the initial question and answer were for all appearances a stylized exchange. The researchers have, incidentally, tested whether or not it is the politeness of the initial approach that does the work - no it is not, it is his initial response that has committed Mr Jones.
Cialdini goes on to examine the far more serious issue of how to get prisoners of war (POWs) to cooperate with their captors. The Chinese did a far better job of this than the North Koreans during the second world war - by asking first for a minor act of compliance (which was rewarded) and gradually upping the ante. An important part of the process was that the minor commitment initially achieved was made public - people's written and public commitments being far more powerful than private, unwritten ones. And small inducements are often far more powerful than large ones - since if the inducement is large one will feel one has been paid for the act of compliance, not accepted it as a firm commitment.
This chapter looks quite deeply into the techniques used as well as their application in business situations - eg when people sign on to challenging KPIs. Again it ends with a section on how to say no.
Social proof - "When all think alike, no one thinks very much" - Walter Lippman
TV producers use canned laughter, bar-people often "salt" their tip jar at the start of a shift and evangelical preachers have been known to seed their audiences with "ringers" who are programmed to come forward and commit at the right moment. Cialdini examines the famous case of a cult that has wrongly predicted the end of the world. When this did not occur, the group had to establish another truth, which in this case was a crusade to persuade the world about their peculiar beliefs.
The principle of "social truth" works especially well in conditions of shaken confidence and uncertainty - in the previous example when the beings in flying saucers did not arrive on schedule.
This example leads on to a far more horrible case, that of the murder of Catherine Genovese in New York City in 1964. "For more than half an hour thirty-eight respectable, law-abiding citizens in Queens watched a killer stalk and stab a women in three separate attacks in Kew Gardens." No-one called the police during the murder, and only one witness called after the women was dead. Everyone was stunned and the witnesses themselves could not explain their inaction. The newspapers seized on the theme of an "uncaring" society.
Two psychologists examined the case. To them the really odd thing was that there were 38 witnesses, none of whom did anything. They found two reasons for the lack of action. When there are more than one person witnessing a crime, personal responsibility is diluted. This is a common issue - eg when a group is asked to do something without someone nominating who is responsible. "(Shared responsibility is no responsibility") But the second reason is more interesting and involves what psychologists call the "pluralistic ignorance effect." At times of uncertainty, people naturally look round to see how others are reacting. If others seem calm and unruffled, one is inclined to act the same way and to convince oneself that the event in question is not really an emergency.
The chapter goes on, covering another example of the consequences of "social proof" - the well documented case of sudden jumps in apparently accidental deaths in the period immediately after a newspaper or TV account of a suicide
A final horrible example concerns the mass suicide in Jonestown.
Learning how to resist the automatic pilot of social proof might be vital. There is also a message for anyone in danger in a crowded situation - do not issue a general cry for help, but try to focus on one person and ask him for explicit help.
Liking - "The main work of a trial attorney is to make a jury like his client" - Clarence Darrow.
Most of us prefer to say yes to the requests of those we like. This principle works, however, when used by total strangers - eg if he pays one a compliment such as "That is a great suit/haircut/car, etc. This much is obvious, but Cialdini goes on to apply it to important matters like the impact of school desegregation upon racial tension, the "good cop/bad cop" situation and the behaviour of sports fans.
How to say no is handled deftly, as usual. ("Say no")
Authority - "Follow an expert" - Virgil.
Again the simple point is obvious, but we learn of more subtle and insidious effects involving the use of fake titles, film stars advertising coffee and trappings of con-men such as flash cars.
Scarcity - "The way to love anything is to realize it might be lost" - GK Chesterton.
This is a ripper chapter, containing as it does the scheme used by the author's brother to fund his way through collage and some severely practical advice on how to deal with toddlers and teenagers.
The scarcity principle is understood by all of us, even economists, who associate scarcity with high prices. But what would you think of a collage student who purchased second hand cars, gave them a cut and polish and advertised them for sale at a distinctly higher price than he had paid? His secret weapon was to ask everyone who responded to his ad to arrive at, say, 2 PM. The first guy to arrive was shown the car and while he was looking another prospective buyer would arrive. Then another. The first guy would be told a queue is forming and given a few more minutes to make up his mind. You could imagine the anxiety that built up in the potential buyers' minds. If the first guy did not buy, the second one almost always did.
This chapter goes on to provide advice on coping with the "terrible twos" and the teenage years based on the theory of "psychological reactance" that is linked to scarcity in some interesting but non-obvious ways. The link concerns the loss of freedoms, and withdrawal of privileges is a classic case of loss of freedom leading to psychological reactance."
Cialdini relates this to the Russian counter-revolution that restored Gorbachev to power ("Freedoms once granted will not be relinquished without a fight.") Another case concerns the close bonding between Romeo and Juliet in the face of parental opposition to their relationship. ("... the teenager will sneak, scheme, and fight to resist ... attempts at control.") Another interesting example concerns directions to a jury to ignore a particular piece of evidence - the conjecture in this case is that such directions may in fact make the jury give greater weight to the banned evidence.
I have provided a far longer account of this book than I intended at outset. To a mere economist, who is drilled to assume the simplest possible mental models of behaviour - "maximizing welfare, "simple self-interest" - both the examples as well as the logic and clever experiments are full of interest. If it is too late for you to benefit, give this book to a much loved member of the younger generation.
Strange as it may seem, overcoming geographic obstacles, winning decisive battles or meeting global business targets are the type of goals often best achieved when pursued indirectly. This is the idea of Obliquity. Oblique approaches are most effective in difficult terrain, or where outcomes depend on interactions with other people.
If you want to go in one direction, the best route may involve going in the other. Paradoxical as it sounds, goals are more likely to be achieved when pursued indirectly. So the most profitable companies are not the most profit-oriented, and the happiest people are not those who make happiness their main aim. The name of this idea? Obliquity
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George W. Bush speaks mangled English rather than mangled French because James Wolfe captured Quebec in 1759 and made the British crown the dominant influence in Northern America. Eschewing obvious lines of attack, Wolfe’s men scaled the precipitous Heights of Abraham and took the city from the unprepared defenders. There are many such episodes in military history. The Germans defeated the Maginot Line by going round it, while Japanese invaders bicycled through the Malayan jungle to capture Singapore, whose guns faced out to sea. Oblique approaches are most effective in difficult terrain, or where outcomes depend on interactions with other people. Obliquity is the idea that goals are often best achieved when pursued indirectly.
Obliquity is characteristic of systems that are complex, imperfectly understood, and change their nature as we engage with them. Forests have all these features. Fire is the greatest enemy of the forest. From the late 19th century, the policy of the US National Parks Service was of zero tolerance towards fire. Every outbreak, however small, would be extinguished. But the incidence of fire did not fall: it increased.
Computer simulation of fire control policies suggests the explanation. Most forest fires are small, and burn themselves out. In doing so, they remove combustible undergrowth, and create firebreaks that limit the spread of future fires. In 1972, the National Park Service determined a new policy: it would put out man-made fires, but allow natural ones to burn.
Sixteen years later, the largest fire known swept through Yellowstone National Park. In extremely dry conditions, several fires – some sparked by lightning, some by arsonists – joined together. The blaze was fought by 25,000 firefighters at a cost of $120 million; more than a third of the park’s vegetation was destroyed.
Today’s guidelines allow forest rangers to use their judgment in deciding which fires should be tackled and which left to burn. Experience has shown that too much effort devoted to fire extinction is counterproductive. Time demonstrates, but only slowly, whether policy has gone too far in one direction, or the other. Forest management illustrates obliquity: the preservation of the forest is not best pursued directly, but managed through a holistic approach that considers and balances multiple objectives.
Forests are not the only systems structured in this way. Obliquity is equally relevant to our businesses and our bodies, to the management of our lives and our national economies. We do not maximise shareholder value or the length of our lives, our happiness or the gross national product, for the simple but fundamental reason that we do not know how to and never will. No one will ever be buried with the epitaph “He maximised shareholder value”. Not just because it is a less than inspiring objective, but because even with hindsight there is no way of recognising whether the objective has been achieved.
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The 20th century saw the rise and fall of modernist rationalism in many activities. Nowhere was the change more visible, or the results more disastrous, than in architecture and town planning. In the modernist vision, technology emancipated builders from tradition and accumulated knowledge. Twentieth- century planners could redesign our environment from first principles.
Charles Jencks, the architectural commentator, announced that modernism ended at 3.32pm on July 15 1972, when demolition contractors detonated the fuses to blow up the Pruitt-Igoe housing project in St Louis, Missouri. Less than two decades earlier, the scheme had won awards for its pioneering, visionary architecture. Tower blocks were the supreme expression of Le Corbusier’s view that “a house is a machine for living in”. Corbusier himself designed the first such buildings, the Unite d’Habitation on the edge of Marseille.
But a house is not simply a machine for living in. There is a difference between a house and a home. The functions of a home are complex and the utility of a building depends not only on its design but on the reactions of those who live in it. The occupants of the Pruitt-Igoe scheme, like those of similar buildings, were alienated by the isolation of a living environment that saw no need for accidental, unplanned social interactions. They showed no respect for its public spaces. The functionality of the blocks proved, in the end, not to be functional.
Communities are complex organisms, imperfectly understood, and their functioning depends on their social relations. Great architects implicitly understand obliquity, but obliquity is so important to the design of towns that the most successful towns have no designer at all. The planned city was conceived in the late 19th century. Baron Hausmann swept away the jumble of Paris streets that had developed over the centuries to create grand boulevards. From the 1920s to 1968, the powerful, autocratic Robert Moses controlled the physical environment of New York, driving expressways through apartments, offices and factories.
The zenith of these ideas was reached in planned cities such as the designed capitals of Brasilia, Canberra and Chandigarh. But all these cities are dull. They lack the vitality of real communities. As with tower blocks, their very functionality is dysfunctional.
The National Park officials who thought they could eliminate fire; the managers who thought they could reinvent ICI and Boeing; the architects who believed they could discard thousands of years of experience and redesign buildings on purely functional lines; the planners who attempted to rationalise the patchwork evolution of historic cities: all made the same mistake of underestimating the complexity of the system with which they dealt and the value of the traditional knowledge they inherited. And the answer to their problem is not better analysis and more sophisticated modelling, but more humility.
Such humility is not commonly found in the business world. Re-engineering the Corporation by Michael Hammer and James Champy became a New York Times bestseller in 1993. Hammer and Champy are as radical in aspiration as Le Corbusier: “Re-engineering means asking the question `If I were re-creating this company today, given what I know and given current technology, what would it look like?’ Re-engineering a company means tossing aside old systems and starting over. It involves going back to the beginning and inventing a better way of doing work.”
Obliquity gives rise to the profit-seeking paradox: the most profitable companies are not the most profit-oriented. ICI and Boeing illustrate how a greater focus on shareholder returns was self-defeating in its own narrow terms. Comparisons of the same companies over time are mirrored in contrasts between different companies in the same industries. In their 2002 book, Built to Last: Successful Habits of Visionary Companies, Jim Collins and Jerry Porras compared outstanding companies with adequate but less remarkable companies with similar operations.
Merck and Pfizer was one such comparison. Collins and Porras compared the philosophy of George Merck (“We try never to forget that medicine is for the people. It is not for the profits. The profits follow, and if we have remembered that, they have never failed to appear. The better we have remembered it, the larger they have been”) with that of John McKeen of Pfizer (“So far as humanly possible, we aim to get profit out of everything we do.”)
Collins and Porras also paired Hewlett Packard with Texas Instruments, Procter & Gamble with Colgate, Marriott with Howard Johnson, and found the same result in each case: the company that put more emphasis on profit in its declaration of objectives was the less profitable in its financial statements.
Similarly the richest men are not the most materialistic. Sam Walton, founder and principal shareholder of Wal-Mart, the world’s largest retailer, drove himself around in a pick-up truck. “I have concentrated all along on building the finest retailing company that we possibly could. Period. Creating a huge personal fortune was never particularly a goal of mine,” Walton said. Still, five of the top 10 places in the Forbes rich list are occupied by members of the Walton family.
Henry Ford was sued by stockholders who resented his determination to expand his automotive business rather than distribute the profits. When they won their case, most of the dividend that the court required the Ford Motor Company to pay went to Henry himself. He used the money to buy back stock and regain freedom of operations. The dissatisfied stockholders would have done better to keep quiet.
Warren Buffett, the most successful investor in history, still lives in the Omaha bungalow he bought almost 50 years ago and continues to take pleasure in a Nebraskan steak washed down with cherry Coke. For Buffett: “It’s not that I want money. It’s the fun of making money and watching it grow.”
The individuals who are most successful at making money are not those who are most interested in making money. This is not surprising. The principal route to great wealth is the creation of a successful business, and building a successful business demands exceptional talents and hard work. There is no reason to think these characteristics are associated with greed and materialism: rather the opposite. People who are obsessively interested in money are drawn to get-rich-quick schemes rather than to business opportunities, and when these schemes come off, as occasionally they do, they retire to their villas in the sun.
And so, the greatest happiness is rarely achieved by those who set out to be happy. The development of psychology and neurophysiology gives us more insight into the real determinants of happiness. Author and psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi explores the nature of happiness by listening to what people say about their activities through what he calls experience sampling. He pages people frequently to write down structured reports of exactly how they feel about what they are doing at that moment.
Although we crave time for passive leisure, people engaged in watching television reported low levels of contentment. Csikszentmihalyi’s systematic finding is that the activities that yield the highest for satisfaction with life require the successful performance of challenging tasks. These moments are encountered as frequently in work as outside it, and they constitute the state of mind which Csikszentmihalyi describes as flow. “Flow tends to occur when a person’s skills are fully involved in overcoming a challenge that is just about manageable.”
Csikszentmihalyi’s formulation exactly parallels that of Boeing’s Bill Allen – “the greatest pleasure that life has to offer is the satisfaction that flows from participating in a difficult and challenging undertaking.” Flow is as characteristic of the successful business as of the contented individual.
Yet there are fundamental differences. While the quest for happiness is complementary – by achieving it we make it easier, not harder, for others to achieve the same goal – the development of business is competitive. Tolstoy claimed in Anna Karenina that “All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
However, the opposite is true in commercial life. Unhappy businesses resemble one another: each successful company is successful in its own way. Business achievement depends on doing things that others cannot do – and still find difficult to do even after others have seen the benefits they bring to the imitators. So the most profitable companies are those that are successful with major challenges – like Boeing’s creation of the jumbo jet or ICI’s development of a pharmaceutical division. For Csikszentmihalyi, flow is the accomplishment of a difficult task, involving the successful match of capabilities to environment. In the less elegant language of business gurus, Collins and Porras describe the same phenomenon in business as the achievement of “big hairy audacious goals”.
Companies that succeed in such challenges are disproportionately represented in the case studies of business schools. We don’t hear much about business innovators who adopted big hairy audacious goals and failed, although failure, not success is the norm. For every Bill Gates, Sam Walton and Warren Buffett, there are a hundred people with similar ambitions, and not necessarily much less talent, whose pictures will never be seen on the front cover of Fortune magazine.
Success through obliquity is a product of natural selection in an uncertain, but competitive, environment. It is almost certainly true that, on average, profit-oriented companies are more profitable than less profit-oriented companies. It is very likely that on average people who are interested in money are richer than people who are not. But at the same time that the most profitable companies are not the most profit-oriented, the richest people are not those most interested in money. Outstanding success is the product of obliquity.
This oblique relationship between intention and outcome is the subtle, but frequently misunderstood, message contained in Richard Dawkins’ metaphor of the selfish gene. The gene is not actually selfish: the gene has no motive at all, in the sense in which we normally talk about motive. Genes that survive the processes of selection are those well adapted to their environment, and such adaptation was not the product of any conscious design. And this is also true of the forests we travel thousands of miles to see, the great capital cities of history, the traditions of classical architecture, and the development of great businesses. All of them are the product of evolution in a universe too complex and unpredictable for any of us fully to understand. All of them survive and prosper because they are well adapted to their environment.
The University of Sheffield Sports Engineering Research Group, after analysing David Beckham’s performance on the football field, announced in 2002 that they had discovered a physics genius. The scientists had identified the complex differential equations that need to be solved to bend it like Beckham. No doubt their computers are already crunching numbers to tell Jonny Wilkinson how to drop a goal.
But little research is needed to confirm that Beckham is not a physics genius. Solving equations of motion is a means of understanding what happens, but is not a means of making it happen. Similarly, the financial returns of a business record what it achieves but are not the means by which it is achieved. Successful companies do maximise long-term shareholder value, or at least create large quantities of it. But that does not imply they were any more capable of formally calculating the results of their activities than Beckham can. Still less can we infer that such calculations were the basis of their achievement.
Would Boeing really have benefited from careful analyses in the mid-1960s of the prospective return on investment from development of the 747? An analyst would have had to anticipate the oil shock, the globalisation of world markets and the development of the aviation industry through to the end of the century. Anyone who has built models of these kinds, or scrutinised them carefully, knows that the range of possible assumptions is always wide enough to allow the analyst to come up with whatever answer the person commissioning the assessment wants to hear.
ICI might have made calculations in the 1950s that estimated the market capitalisation Zeneca would have achieved in the year 2000. Their strategists could then have put that number into a discounted cash flow calculation to estimate a return on the company’s early investment in its pharmaceutical business. But no one would or should have taken such a calculation seriously.
The distinction between intent and outcome is central to obliquity. Wealth, family relationships, employment all contribute to happiness but these activities are not best conducted with happiness as their goal. The pursuit of happiness is a strange phrase in the US constitution because happiness is not best achieved when pursued. A satisfying life depends above all on building good personal relationships with other people – but we entirely miss the point if we seek to develop these relationships with our personal happiness as a primary goal.
Humans have well developed capacities to detect purely instrumental behaviour. The actions of the man who buys us a drink in the hope that we will buy his mutual funds are formally the same as those of the friend who buys us a drink because he likes our company, but it is usually not too difficult to spot the difference. And the difference matters to us. “Honesty is the best policy, but he who is governed by that maxim is not an honest man,” wrote Archbishop Whately three centuries ago. If we deal with someone for whom honesty is the best policy, we can never be sure that this is not the occasion on which he will conclude that honesty is no longer the best policy. Such experiences have been frequent in financial markets in the last decade. We do better to rely on people who are honest by character rather than honest by choice.
In a similar way, the statement “we look after employees because we care” is not the same as the statement “we have introduced new compensation arrangements because, having calculated the relative costs of benefits enhancements and staff turnover, and commissioned a consultant’s report on the policies of competitors, we believe it will produce a net enhancement of earnings per share”. Even if the pensions and healthcare benefits are the same, the response from those affected is different. That is why companies that put the second statement in their board papers and investor presentations typically put the first statement in their press releases and communications to employees. But people who work in a business generally know its nature well enough to see the instrumentality at work.
Marks and Spencer was famous for decades for the breadth of its staff welfare programme. In particular, the company pioneered the provision of high-quality meals at nominal prices. The policy did not originate in any nice calculation of costs and benefits. It was adopted when a shop assistant fainted as Simon Marks was making one of his legendary store visits. Marks discovered that her husband was unemployed and the family did not have enough to eat. Marks was not engaged in philanthropy – he did not offer to feed his employee’s family. Nor was his purpose the creation of shareholder value. Marks was making a sincerely felt statement about the kind of business he wanted his company to be. Such statements about the nature of the business defined the iconic company Marks and Spencer became. As at ICI and Boeing, Marks and Spencer was to sacrifice that status in the rationalist 1990s in the ultimately unsuccessful pursuit of growth in earnings per share.
You don’t prolong life much by adopting long life as your goal. Nor do you learn much about the sources of longevity by asking very old people how they did it. Medical interventions don’t have a large overall impact on life expectancy – medicine is to health what fire control is to forest management. The most important influences on life expectancy are environment and general health. We extend our lives most effectively, not through hypochondria, but by caring for our bodies and ourselves in a comprehensive, holistic manner.
Happiness is achieved in the same way. As John Stuart Mill said: “Those only are happy who have their minds fixed on some object other than their own happiness… aiming thus at something else, they find happiness by the way.”
The great cities of the world lift our spirits, not because some great designer set out to achieve that effect, but because of their lack of planning, their diversity and vitality, their unexpected encounters and conjunctions. And they evolve, not through conservative preservation or planned change, but by a process in which undistinguished buildings are torn down and only the best examples of each era are preserved.
Forest management is unexpectedly complex. The regimented plantation proved as unsuccessful as the planned city, and ecologists today are tearing such plantations down. Monocultural forests are not only dull to look at, but vulnerable to disease and fire. Managed woodlands are economically and environmentally superior. But no one knows the best way to manage a forest, or even what “best” means in this context. Our objective in a complex system is not to find the optimum, because no one can know before or after whether such an optimum has been achieved. We can and should be satisfied with an outcome that is good enough.
What is true of forests is equally true of businesses. The great corporations of the modern world were not built by people whose overriding interest was wealth, profit, or shareholder value. To paraphrase Mill: their focus was on business followed not as a means, but as itself an ideal end. Aiming thus at something else, they found profit by the way.
This is how Hewlett Packard described it: “Profit is a cornerstone of what we do… but it has never been the point in and of itself. The point, in fact, is to win, and winning is judged in the eyes of the customer and by doing something you can be proud of.”
Obliquity is relevant whenever complex systems evolve in an uncertain environment, and whenever the effect of our actions depends on the ways in which others respond to them. There is a role for carrots and sticks, but to rely on carrots and sticks alone is effective only when we employ donkeys and when goals are simple. Directness is appropriate. When the environment is stable, objectives are one dimensional and transparent, and it is possible to determine when and whether goals have been achieved. Obliquity is inevitable when the environment is complex and changing, purposes are multiple and conflicting, and when we cannot tell, even with hindsight, whether they have been fulfilled.
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Tags: Business, Decisions, Fads, Management, Miscellaneous, obliquity, Strategy, Theory
March 1st, 2011
We have all been awed by a Manager or a Team Member who always seems to know what to say and how to say it in any situation. These people know how to communicate with diplomacy, tact and confidence.
The way in which we communicate can elicit positive or negative emotions. If we communicate aggressively, without respect or sensitivity, defensive or angry emotions can prevent others from hearing the message we are trying to convey. Communicating with diplomacy and tact is an approach that combines strength and sensitivity and keeps negative emotions at bay.
The Six Rules for Disagreeing Agreeably
Rule #1: Give others the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the person who made that outrageous generalization isn’t really insensitive. Maybe this person has had a painful experience that made him overreact.
Rule #2: After giving someone the benefit of the doubt, listen to learn and truly understand why this person holds this belief. We must let him/her know we’ve heard them and we are genuinely trying to see things from their perspective.
Rule #3: Always take responsibility for our own feelings, when disagreeing with someone. Make a commitment to respond using “I” statements only. When we begin with “you” we come off as blaming and confrontational and immediately put the other person on the defensive. This reduces the chance of our point of view being heard.
Rule #4: Use a cushion. Connect or “cushion” a different opinion, starting with “I hear what you’re saying” Or “I appreciate your view on”. Again, begin with the word “I” and not “You said…” or it will sound confrontational.
Rule #5: Eliminate the words “but” or “however” from our vocabulary. Once we have cushioned the other person’s opinion, use “and,” or pause and say nothing, following the cushion. Acknowledging the individual’s point of view and following it with a “but” or “however” erases the acknowledgement.
Rule #6: State our point of view or opinion with relevant and factual evidence. Keep our emotions out of the equation by using the following formula:
- Take time to reflect:
What do I think?
Why do I think it?
What evidence do I have?
- Then speak:
“One example is”
“This shows that”
“Therefore, I think”
2/15/2013 | Forbes.com
The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—’tis the difference between the lightning-bug and the lightning. – Mark Twain
Darlene Price, author of Well Said! Presentations and Conversations That Get Results, concurs. “Words matter,” she says. “They are a key component of persuasive communication. Regardless of the audience, topic, or industry, or whether the setting is a stand-up presentation, sit-down conversation, telephone discussion, or an online meeting, a leader uses language to influence someone’s mind in order to achieve a certain result. That’s one reason they’re seen as leaders; their words compel people to follow.”
Therefore, if you want to be perceived as a leader in the workplace, a great place to start is by deliberately choosing to speak words and phrases that are empowering to yourself and others; to use language that captivates, motivates, and inspires; and to communicate a vocal image that conveys clarity, confidence, and credibility, she adds.
“In speaking with hundreds of executives and senior leaders over the past twenty years, certain phrases consistently come up as career-limiting phrases that jeopardize one’s professional image and potential for promotion,” Price says. “To the speaker they may seem like harmless words, however, to the listener they reveal a more critical issue: In a workplace where employers must be cutting-edge, competitive, and cost-effective, employees who use these phrases will likely be replaced with those who convey a more positive attitude, collaborative spirit, proactive behavior and professional demeanor.”
Here are 13 phrases that should be banned from the office:
“It’s not fair.”
She got a raise, you didn’t. He was recognized, you weren’t. “Some people have food to eat while others starve,” Price says. “Injustices happen on the job and in the world every day. Whether it’s a troubling issue at work or a serious problem for the planet, the point in avoiding this phrase is to be proactive about the issues versus complaining, or worse, passively whining.” Instead, document the facts, build a case, and present an intelligent argument to the person or group who can help you.
“That’s not my problem,” “That’s not my job,” or “I don’t get paid enough for this.”
If you asked someone for help, and the person replied with one of the above phrases, how would you feel? “As importantly, what would it say about him or her?” Price says. “Regardless of how inconvenient or inappropriate a request may be, it is likely important to the other person or they would not have asked. Therefore, as a contributing member of the team, a top priority is to care about the success of others (or at least act as though you do).” An unconcerned, detached and self-serving attitude quickly limits career advancement.
“This doesn’t mean you have to say yes; it does mean you need to be articulate and thoughtful when saying no,” she adds. “For example, if your boss issues an unreasonable request, rather than saying, ‘You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t get paid enough for this,’ instead say, ‘I’ll be glad to help. Given my current tasks of A, B, and C, which one of these shall I place on hold while I work on this new assignment?’ This clearly communicates teamwork and helpfulness, while reminding your boss of your current work load and the need to set realistic expectations.”
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“He’s a jerk,” or “She’s lazy,” or “My job stinks,” or “I hate this company.”
Nothing tanks a career faster than name-calling, Price says. “Not only does it reveal juvenile school-yard immaturity, it’s language that is liable and fire-able.”
Avoid making unkind, judgmental statements that will inevitably reflect poorly on you. If you have a genuine complaint about someone or something, communicate the issue with tact, consideration and neutrality.
“But we’ve always done it that way.”
“The most effective leaders value innovation, creative thinking and problem solving skills in their employees,” Price says. In one fell swoop, this phrase reveals you are the opposite: stuck in the past, inflexible, and closed-minded. “Instead say, ‘Wow, that’s an interesting idea. How would that work?’ Or, ‘That’s a different approach. Let’s discuss the pros and cons.’”
“That’s impossible” or “There’s nothing I can do.”
Really? Are you sure you’ve considered every single possible solution and the list is now exhausted? “When you make the mistake of saying these negative phrases, your words convey a pessimistic, passive, even hopeless outlook,” Price says. “This approach is seldom valued in the workplace. Employers notice, recognize and promote a can-do attitude. Despite the glum circumstances, communicate through your words what you can contribute to the situation.”
Instead, try something like, “I’ll be glad to check on it again,” “Let’s discuss what’s possible under these circumstances,” or, “What I can do is this.”
“You should have…” or “You could have…”
You probably wouldn’t be thrilled if someone said: “You should have told me about this sooner!” Or, “You could have tried a little harder.” “Chances are, these fault-finding words inflict feelings of blame and finger-pointing,” Price says. “Ideally, the workplace fosters equality, collaboration and teamwork. Instead of making someone feel guilty (even if they are), take a more productive non-judgmental approach.” Say, “Next time, to ensure proper planning, please bring this to my attention immediately.” Or, “In the future, I recommend…”
“I may be wrong, but…” or “This may be a silly idea, but…”
These phrases are known as discounting, Price explains. They diminish the impact of what follows and reduce your credibility. “Remember that your spoken words reveal to the world how much value you place on yourself and your message. For this reason, eliminate any prefacing phrase that demeans the importance of who you are or lessens the significance of what you contribute.”
Don’t say, “This may be a silly idea, but I was thinking that maybe we might conduct the quarterly meeting online instead, okay?” Instead, assert your recommendation: “To reduce travel costs and increase time efficiency, I recommend we conduct the quarterly meeting online.”
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These are common phrases that might be difficult to eliminate completely from your everyday conversations—but the trick is to gain awareness of the language you’re using. “As is often the case with bad habits, we are unconscious of the fact we’re saying career-limiting words and phrases,” Price says.
Here are a few tips to build self-awareness and eradicate the phrases from your conversations:
Record yourself. When you’re on the phone in a business setting, record your side of the conversation, she suggests. “Listen carefully to the recording afterward (on the way home from work). Did you use any of the phrases on this list, or any other words or phrases that may be perceived as limiting or negative? Write down the phrase you used, mark through it, and beside it construct an alternate phrase that more positively communicates your message.” Keep this list handy, by your phone or next to your computer monitor, and review it daily.
Enlist a buddy. When you’re in meetings (and may not be able to record), ask a trusted co-worker to listen carefully to your language. “Ask them to write down any career-limiting words, phrases, actions or attitudes they perceive to be negative,” she says. “Treat them to lunch, check your ego at the door, and let them tell you what they heard.”
Listen for these phrases when others speak. When you hear how jeopardizing these phrases actually sound when spoken by another, it sends a powerful message to your brain heightening your own self awareness. Price says you should ask yourself, “How could she have phrased that idea in a different way?” Or, “What words would have communicated his point more positively?”Zuleyma CastilloThat’s not my problem,” “That’s not my job,” or “I don’t get paid enough for this.”Michał Skrzędziejewski
So your saying that if your Boss or the HR is asking you to get a drink at Starbucks or their lunch, that part of your job..
Since when do workers go out and get their boss their drink and lunches.PermalinkJoey Mollica
I disagree with a lot of things in this article. For example, I don’t see any problem with “no problem” – saying that “you’re welcome” is much better is just nitpicking and over-analyzing a simple statement.
I also think (believe?) it’s perfectly fine to say “It’s not my job” if it really isn’t your job – some people make outrageous requests, and believing that “Regardless of how inconvenient or inappropriate a request may be, it is likely important to the other person or they would not have asked” is just wishful thinking.
Finally, take a look at the sentence: “Next time, to ensure proper planning, please bring this to my attention immediately”. I cannot imagine a human being (unless it’s a mindless corporate robot) using this in a normal conversation. Nobody speaks like that. If somebody told me “You should have told me about it earlier” and if he or she had valid reason to say so, I can admit my mistake and try to be better in the future.
As always use common sense.Permalink1 month agoTodd Mumford
When my dad was a boy, his headmaster would catch him saying “I think…” and retort with “Rick, the rest of the world doesn’t care what you THINK!”. I’m reminded of this every time I hear somebody say “I think ….”!Peggy Puskar
I can understand most of the called out terms to avoid however I believe that this applies to large corporations and not all of it is applicable to smaller business owners as a whole. Normally with a smaller office, everyone works together and often you will hear the “no problem” instead of “your welcome” and that is simply because it is a smaller environment and the employees are a tight group of individuals.Eva Rinaldi
Being positive but assertive and closed-lipped (meaning keep it short and to the point) is always the best practice!The only thing I can’t stand is when “we’ve always done it this way.” and then suddenly I’m getting reprimanded for something I’ve been praised for or at least watched doing, a few hundred times.Phil Tipp
Hmmm. Most of this is either self-evident, in terms of pure manners and ought to have been taught from nursery school onwards – or is otherwise utter American business-twaddle, pop-psych soundbite tosh.
A gentleman moderates his speech to suit the circumstances and his surroundings, and does so in order to communicate clearly and unambiguously to his peers and masters, his intentions and opinions when they are asked of him, in the idiom and manner most suited to his stature, voice, masculinity and lastly, perceived rank.
Ruffling feathers is something to which all men should naturally aspire. Squirming conformity is a little death – consider the brevity of life, the length of history and one’s place in it. Better to live one day as a lion, than a hundred days as a lamb.
“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” Plato
Furthermore, can you imagine Caesar, or Alexander, responding to thankyou’s by squeaking “You’re welcome” as spoken by mealy-mouthed worms?William Gempel
One thing that is not mentioned in this article is profanity. When you curse, you are just lowering yourself to an unflattering level of competence. Cursing is simply a poor choice of words that can easily with a little self control, be properly eliminated from your vocabulary. Instead of sounding like a fool, people will admire you.
If “no problem” implies that there could have been a problem, then “you’re welcome” certainly also implies that you might not have been welcome. Watch yourself. Every time you make a positive statement you imply that the opposite of what you are expressing is a possibility.
Between Us Girls
Happily though, diplomacy involves certain skills that, given some practice and patience, everyone can learn:
This is perhaps the biggest part of diplomacy. Learning to control our own defenses and put off our own agendas for long enough to hear what the other person is saying is critical. Active listening (making eye contact, avoiding the temptation to interrupt unless it is to ask relevant questions, rephrasing what the person has expressed to make sure you are getting their message) is most important. There can be no negotiations unless there is communication.
Sending a Clear Message
The way you state your own needs can make or break the problems-solving process. Attacking the person, belittling their concerns or putting them on the defensive will always backfire. Using “I-Statements,” saying “I feel___________________________when _________________________. What I need is ___________________________” rather than “You always_______________, I hate it when you _______________________, You are_____________________________” is the best approach to enabling someone to not get defensive and actually be able to hear what you are saying.
Being able to see a problem through someone else's eyes, from their perspective, helps you to know how to approach them and how best to devise a solution that meets their needs as well as your own.
Finding Common Ground
In any dispute, there is always something, no matter how minuscule it may be, that you and the other party can agree upon. Take a lesson from Barack Obama's recent debate with John McCain. He often began his comments with a statement of John McCain's comments or positions he could agree with and then went on to differentiate himself. This tactic allowed people who might be McCain supporters or Independent's leaning in that direction, to be more open and willing to listen to his commentary. In working out your issue with another person, it always pays to find any smidgen of common ground you can and then to build upon it. You end up transforming your relationship from one of adversaries to one of a team working together to find a creative solution.
Nothing shuts down a negotiation or a conversation more quickly than angry comments, raised voices and insults or threats. Think before you speak and excuse yourself briefly to calm down if things get too heated.
Constructive problem-solving takes a little more time than a quick fix. Knowing this ahead of time can make the process less stressful.
So, we know that while diplomatic efforts don't always meet with success, they really are our best and most sensible first line of defense. Foreign diplomats and skilled leaders have been using the art of diplomacy to great advantage for many, many years. But how can diplomacy help you and me?
Let's go back to some of the everyday problems I listed. Johnny doesn't want to share his Play-Doh. We could just give Johnny a scolding look and ask him if he's forgotten his manners and remind him that “it's nice to share.” Johnny feels like no one understands, like everybody is mad at him and that they now think he's a “bad boy.” He cries, or throws a tantrum. There's a big scene, mom's embarrassed and that makes her even more mad. Johnny gets sent to his room....or.....
Johnny's mom asks him why he doesn't want to share. He tells her that he hates having the colors of Play-Poh getting all mixed up. He wants to keep the colors separate so he has all of the colors to play with next time and the next time. Mom acknowledges and validates those feelings by listening and together they try to come up with a compromise. She tells him that she feels bad when Johnny's cousin feels left out or unable to play with his toys and tells him she'd like to find someway to make everybody happy. “How about if only one color is opened at a time and it has to be put away before another color is opened,” she offers? Johnny accepts the compromise, everyone gets to play with the Play-Doh and no one ends up in tears.
In a more difficult situation, like the one involving feuding relatives and wedding receptions, diplomacy can be trickier. Seating everyone separately, may lead to strained relations with Uncle Bob. Seating them together and letting them hash it out, may lead to ugliness on what should be a beautiful day. What to do? The person planning the seating needs to know whose feelings and objections will be the strongest. If Aunt Rose is the most adamant about seating, she must talk about options with Aunt Rose. By allowing Rose to state her objections, by trying to understand, accept and be considerate of her feelings, a solution becomes more likely.
Where's the common ground? Both the bride and Aunt Rose want the day to be beautiful and enjoyable, Uncle Bob and Aunt Rose want to spend time together without Mary involved. Given that, both the bride and Aunt Rose can begin to brainstorm ideas of how to make that happen (short of throwing Aunt Mary under the limousine in the parking lot). Perhaps Uncle Bob and Aunt Rose could mingle during the cocktail hour and be seated separately for the dinner? Maybe Aunt Rose and her brother Bob could be seated next to each other with Mary on the other side of Bob so Bob acts as physical buffer?
Diplomacy isn't always easy, but given time and practice, the art of diplomacy can resolve and sometimes even prevent many of the conflicts we face in our everyday lives. What's in it for us? Fewer tantrums from our children, less fighting at wedding receptions, preserved relationships with coworkers, circumvented battles with our teenaged daughters and far fewer headaches for ourselves. I think it's worth the effort...do you?
Mental Help Net
As a social emotion, anger is experienced through communication. Angry people tend to have distinct communication postures that they habitually take up when communicating with others. Psychologists have described four of these communication postures, each possessing its own motto:
- The Aggressive communications posture says: "I count but you don't count."
- The Passive communications posture says: "I don't count."
- The Passive-Aggressive communications posture says : "I count. You don't count but I'm not going to tell you about it."
- The Assertive communications posture says: "I count and you do too."
As you might guess, angry people tend to use the Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive postures a whole lot. Aggressive communicators are more likely to start an argument than they are to get the results they want achieved, however. Being passive in your communications is also a mistake, as it communicates weakness and tends to invite further aggression. The assertive communications posture is the most useful and balanced of all the postures as it is the only posture that communicates respect for all parties. Communicating Assertively is the most likely way to ensure that everyone involved gets their needs taken care of. Learning how to become Assertive rather than aggressive or passive-aggressive is an important step in discovering how to communicate appropriately with others.
People who are habitually aggressive tend to fundamentally misunderstand what it means to be Assertive. Specifically, they tend confuse assertiveness with aggression, and think they already are acting assertively. This is frequently a mistaken impression however. Both aggressive and assertive communications postures can involve fierce and persuasive communication. They are fundamentally different things, however, in that aggressive communication tends to go on the offense – it attacks and berates the other – while Assertive communication uses anger and fierceness only in defense. Assertive people stand up for themselves and their rights and do not take crap from others. However, they manage to do this without crossing the line into aggressiveness; they do not attack the person they are communicating with unnecessarily. Assertiveness is "anger in self-defense" whereas aggressiveness is "anger because I feel like it".
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James Schoonmaker (Centreville, Virginia USA)3.0 out of 5 stars An Inside View . . ., September 20, 2000
Of a complex and important profession. Sir Harold Nicolson's book, originally published near the beginning of WWII, filled a large gap for several decades. Many books have been written on statecraft, and even a few on the tactics used in statecraft and diplomacy, but never (since Castiglioni's Art of the Courier during the Renaissance) had a book been written on how to be a good diplomat.
The book begins with a short history of the development of modern diplomacy, and then moves on to discuss recent changes and factors in modern diplomacy and to compare diplomacy as practiced by different countries. In reality, this is a handbook for new and aspiring diplomats, as it covers such things as the day-to-day duties of a junior secretary and how to perform them, diplomatic jargon, and proper use of diplomatic techniques.
For the conduct of foreign policy, I would recommend Chas. Freeman's more recent book Arts of Power. However, there is still nothing, outside of official government handbooks, that describes the inner functionings of a diplomat's life so well as Nicolson's book.
M. B. Alcat "Curiosity killed the cat, but sa... (Los Angeles, California)A really good place to start ..., February 13, 2004
Sir Harold Nicolson, the author of this book, was a prestigious British diplomat who served on the British delegation to the Paris Peace Conference of 1919, among other tasks. He knew his craft, and wanted to share that knowledge with others. That is probably the reason why he wrote this book, "Diplomacy". In "Diplomacy", not only does he tell the reader about the origin of diplomacy and its development: he also manages to explain what being a diplomat is about, and which qualifications should aspiring diplomats have. For example, he believes that veracity, precision, calm, loyalty, good character and modesty are essential attributes of a good diplomat.
Nicolson wrote "Diplomacy" a long time ago: the first edition was published in 1939. Notwithstanding that, his book is nowadays as useful as in the day it was published, because it allows the reader to understand what diplomacy is, from the point of view of a diplomat. This book is informative, but also entertaining. His eloquent prose attracts the reader, who cannot help but be interested by the many anecdotes regarding life in the Foreign Service that the author recollects in order to get his point across more clearly.
In conclusion, I can recommend this book to those who are interested in International Relations and would like to know more about diplomacy. I give it only four stars because even if it is a very good book, it doesn't include the latest developments in the diplomatic field. All the same, it is a really good place to start :)
Backstabbing for Beginners My Crash Course in International Diplomacy
Soussan, a former program associate for the United Nations, provides an insider's perspective on the U.N.'s oil-for-food scandal in this absorbing memoir. The author was a 24-year-old idealist when he went to work for the U.N.'s recently launched program to provide aid to Iraqi civilians suffering under the economic sanctions imposed after the Gulf War.
He found a culture of incompetence where there is no truth but consensus and initiative is highly risky.
USNAVYVET2002 (DC): Hits The Nail On The Head, December 6, 2008
I am surprised this book has not been given more attention and that there aren't more customer reviews on it. Then it dawned on me: the book is critical of the UN; no wonder it hasn't received more media attention. That being said, it is a very, very good read. I have seen first hand the damage that a large government bureaucracy can dish out. Mr. Soussan's account of turf wars, bickering, egos and backstabbing is spot on.
The pure concept of diplomacy - José Calvet De Magalhães - Google Books
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