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Diary of American Boy
My name is Michael Dawn. I live in the US. My country is in the center of rotation of the Earth and the Sun. Recently I did a research project about this and I got high distinction.
Today I woke up early and immediately measured my weight. Hurray! I lost another 0.4 lbs! And now my weight is only 320 lbs . Only one month ago it was 322 lbs! Back then my Dad said that if I didn't loose weight, I wouldn't be able to date girls. As a matter of fact, I prefer boys, because dating girls is not cool.
Then I had my breakfast. It was a diet corn flakes with reduced-fat milk and two toasts with jam. For a dessert I had four double hamburgers. The breakfast was fun. We had a who-farts-louder competition with my Dad. I won. Now Dad owes me $5. If he doesn't pay up by the evening I sue the shit out of him.
My school is way too far almost half a mile. I'm lucky that I have a car. Today's traffic was OK, so it took me only one hour to get to the school. Lessons were boring, as usual. For example, on American history lesson the teacher was telling us a bullshit that America was discovered by Columbus. How could such a dork get teacher's certificate?! Elementary logic tells you that America was discovered by us, Americans. That is why it is called America.
But Geography lesson was cool. Boy, how many awesome things happen in the world! For example, the teacher told us about this country Africa. Many years ago, in its capital, Egypt, we, Americans, built triangular skyscrapers but now there live the evil Russian mummies. Just why these Russians interfere with everything we do?
In the evening I went to a party at my friend Leslie's house. Everyone thinks that the party was cool. There were about 40 of us. My friend Jimmy stole two bottles of beer from his father. That was clearly too much because we barfed Leslie's pool into a stinky pot liqueur pond. Sam thinks that was because we blew couple of sticks made from what Leslie had near his swimming pool. Me, I barfed into the pool for the shear fun. Anyways, one brick for all of us is just a normal daily dose to keep the lungs trained and head clear. Hey, even my grandmother has more for breakfast every day.
Today is a holiday. I wanted to sleep a bit longer, but my Dad made me play baseball on the front lawn. Actually, it was really cool we were throwing the ball to each other from three meters for three hours in a row! Remarkable sport and very intellectual!
After lunch my Dad made us watch the President Bush's TV address. We had a good time: we ate pop-corn and listened to the President. He was explaining why it was important for the US to bomb every undemocratic country because when there is no democracy, people only listen to what is coming from above and so the bombing was an ingenious way to explain to the primitive peoples what the US democratic ideals were about. I never could understand why those idiots protested when we bombed them. Because without our bombing they would never know the taste of coca-cola and hamburgers and thus they wouldn't be able to build a true democracy. God save USA the country which is always ready to help everyone who does not want to be helped. After watching Bush's address, we sang "God Bless America" and wept from the full realization of our greatness and great responsibility for the mission given to every American by the God.
Today our teacher gave us exciting lesson about this remarkable discipline Geography. He told us about a far-away undemocratic country which was called Russia. I new a lot about this savage country even without his lesson. For example, everyone knows that Russians are a cross-breed between a bear and a human, they eat birch and drink pure alcohol, live in deep burrows in taiga (which is a Russian jungle), and during their celebrations they put Kremlin on fire and dance around it. But now, after the lesson, I know about Russia much more then its inhabitants. For example, I know that in this country there are immense deposits of American oil and gas. When we need them we will come to claim our property. There are deposits of vodka in Russia and black and red caviar and mushrooms are mined in open pits. All this treasure is used by Russians in a truly barbarian style: they drink and eat it, thus robbing us the future generations of Americans. Russia is a true Empire of Evil!
After the school I went to my psychoanalyst. I visit him twice a week. He gives me advice how to enjoy life. Today he taught me how to flash the toilet after use. All my life I was wondering why our toilet stinks so much.In the night before going to bed, I played Tetris. Cool action! I was cut on the third level, though. After that I searched porno-sites on the web http://www.whitehouse.gov/ and http://www.defense.gov/. Their banging is not for kids! I put a photo of Monica Lewinsky on my table and, satisfied with my day and my right hand, I went to sleep. When I grow up I want to become a President of USA and ride in White House lifts all day! Or, maybe, join The Australian Defense Force Academy.
On math lesson today we were learning how to count to ten. Math is very hard. Now I understand why they start teaching it only in a college. I managed to count to seven from the first try. My teacher said it was very good.
During the lunch break Bob showed me a hand gun he borrowed from his Dad and then we decided to see how it works on the girls. It was real fun! The girls were screaming exactly as in Friday, 13th and tried to escape, but Bob always managed to catch up and shoot a control shot into their heads. Then police arrived and took Bob with them ending all the fun Immediately after that we were allowed to go home.
Today we had an unusual history lesson. The teacher told us that exactly 28 years ago, the US troops captured Berlin and defeated Germany. Apparently, in 1958, bloody dictator Saddam Hussein, who was ruling Germany at that time, attacked London and bombed its capital Warsaw. Germans on tanks and bicycles captured Paris, Brussels, Kiev and Birobidjan. After Birobijan had fallen, the USA lost their patience and joined the war. In the beginning, the Germans were bombed in Afghanistan, then in Syria, then in Disneyland. The Germans were forced to retreat. Then American army surrounded Germany and using precision spot-target bombs, reduced to a rubble all of the Berlin and then put our proud stars-and-stripes flag on the top of Eiffel tower. Saddam Hussein was captured in Berlin's suburbs, where he was hiding in the basement of a whorehouse. The bloody dictator was court-marshaled and then sent to serve his prison term first to Saint Helen Island and then to Guantanamo Bay. There he wrote numerous requests to CIA, asking to be publicly hanged. Eventually, all his wishes were generously granted, including the one where he asked to destroy all the evidence about the interrogation techniques used on him and his fellow prisoners. After the US victory, all the nations of the world applauded to the brave soldiers of the US and in their excitement, people were throwing to the US soldiers their most valuable possetions during the war, of course, it was their food mostly tomatoes and eggs. This was how the WWII came to an end and how the bloody dictators of the whole world came to understand that nobody can survive the coming of American democracy .
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