"We report the results of three studies that show: (1) those higher in narcissism are more
likely than those who are lower to see organizations in political terms (opportunity), (2) they
are more willing to engage in organizational politics (motive), and (3) they are more skilled
political actors (means)."
I'm the most beautiful, tremendous, huge, spectacular, unbelievable, unbeatable, magnificent narcicist of ALL times!!! No one
has ever seen one like me! And Obama is jealous. D. T
How
did Trump cause the problem ( example of the pilot) in the first place? Most politicians are covert narcissists. They pretend
to be nice but are even more evil.
He recognizes that all politicians lie and we continue to accept those liars as standard actors in politics. You should have
reviewed his conversations before getting into politics.
This talk of adaptive narcissism, healthy narcissism, healthy grandiosity, etc. This is an error in thinking. Kohut was wrong,
Kernberg is right. Narcissism is always and already a pathological defense. That it doesn't always turn into a full blown
personality disorder doesn't mean it's sometimes healthy. It may help one get by in late capitalist neoliberalism but that
says more about the ways in which narcissism has infected the cultural milieu that we all live in than it does about the
supposed adaptiveness of narcissism.
Of course he is a narcissist, as is virtually every politician, surgeon, celebrity, CEO......it comes with the territory.
Most also have varying traits of psychopathy...as do most people..so it depends on degree. Now if you are talking about a
full blown narcissistic psychopath all I can say is.....leave Hillary alone!
Of course, he's a narcissist. So is Pierre Trudeau, Nancy Pelosi, Adam Schiff, John Brennan, Richard Branson, Bill Gates, and
every car salesman ever. An interesting side-project would be going into the narcissist tendencies and traits of
Machiavellianism in the mass-media and "news"/ journalism industry. Some truly grandiose sense of entitlement within the
ALT-press that is interestingly coupled with a well-focused derision and merciless quality of scapegoating certain classes of
people and a ghastly tendency to be sure they "know the story" before actually having to research it. This came into play in
the falsified hate-hoaxes that are now so prevalent today in driving the Left.
Thank you for your clear explanation of narcissism and how it may be applicable to certain people in positions of
authority. I do not feel obligated to comment in regards to the individual who this may be about; If people are observant
and honest in their appraisal they should be capable of drawing some conclusions.
Wow!!! After listening to the doctor, it seems someone like Obama, and Hillary Clinton were actual Narcissist with the way
each were cold to people around them, each thought they were entitled to win in anything they did, each thought they were the
smartest person in any room they entered, each made decisions that cost lives, yet they both thought they both did nothing
wrong, and both made good decisions. Very interesting, would never have thought them to be Narcissists, but could have been as
bad or worse then Trump, who at least had success, and had a reason why he would act the way he did.
Dear Dr. Grande, I do really admire your objective professionalism, especially on this subject/object. You, to me at least,
are the anti-trump. I'm strengthened by the knowledge of minds like yours existing in this weird day and age. Also; when
you summarize the different traits between the grandiose and vulnerable types, I tend to fear being type A but with the
traits of type B. Makes no sense. Also, is me/myself, trying to scrutinise myself/me, a narcissistic trait in itself?
:confused-emoticon Enjoyed your educated perspective as always. Thank you.
Personality order/disorder matters but above that the motivation to push citizens rights over the Elites gaining popular
support OR gathering power via the Elites over the population are the main factors for president or any public office... These
two sources of power are the only sources of power....no mater how they are balanced or imbalanced per politician..
nearly always fascinating. Yet looking at this case, it appears as though you, Dr Grande are simply subtly cheering more
negativity. Some of it is off the charts. re: assuming multiple photos - including 2 famous public figures proves they "know
eachother" and the subsequent quick cut away on to more negativity. . it reminds us of msm news reporting . But sorry, coming
from you it's disappointing. We don't need to look hard to find the Pres running on (and on) verbally, it's vexing. Most of us
surely see a degree of bombastic narcissism. So sorry to see you pile on (even tho subtly). We've voted a long time to see
someone who's not afraid of his own supporters. thank you Pres for true & positive change, aimed at all factions. . and Dr
Grande here's to you finding value in it.
I had a neighbor with narcissism followed by dementia. It was hard! I work from home, guess who came knocking everyday to be
driven somewhere, regardless of whether or not I was busy with work or with another person. Good thing is, she paid well,
though there were plenty of times she came knocking asking for it back with some boohoo story - you can't believe how many
times a friend of hers has died... I took care of her for months, no way to get a day off even if you are hiding your car/not
answering the door, they are persistent. I never understood narcissism until then. How much they like a person could depend on
looks alone. They introduce them self's with their full name, yet never bother to learn the names of the people they interact
with every day.... The good thing about my neighbor, she called Trump the baboon on TV. I'm sure he was talking too much about
him self for her to like him. It's remarkable to see Trump behave in the same manner as 'the crazy lady'. I can't imagine
anyone working directly with him. Honestly, dealing with a narcissist is really hard. They lie, constantly, even about
non-important things. There is NO reasoning with them, no logical thinking capabilities, no normal conversations, they talk
(about them self/their lives, not much else) , you listen. it's their way or the high way. Even if that would mean crash and
burn said airplane
I have a good example of this if I was told the truth: My husband thought he was about to lose his job in another country
and there was an issue in the country's only hospital with the HVAC my (now ex-) husband was responsible for. The surgery
had to be shut down. Crystals found in the lines had to be sent away to another country to a lab to be tested. It took
three weeks and it took him several days or more to find them and decide this might be a clue to help explain why this
would happen. It seems the crystals blocked the lines, but I don't think they ever knew the reason why it happened. No one
had a clue. All aspects of the equipment had to be inspected thoroughly, including all the electrical and gas lines,
motors, computerized aspects, duct work, etc. Lots of testing and cleaning. The surgical equipment and the surgery itself
relied on the HVAC working perfectly. Some people had to be flown to the USA for surgery. It was a dangerous time. No one
knew in the end how it occurred, but my ex, who was very methodical, slow and thorough, got everything up and running again
after about six weeks and he was a hero, until other issues caught up with him
. While he kept all books, I never saw him read anything much, possibly dyslexic, learning by doing, but everyone has
always thought he is one of the best in his trade, apparently, and it seems wherever he goes, he is known, despite there
have always been issues with management and even fraud.
I think I know how this is possible? I admire the Industrial HVAC trade. In California he had the same reputation for
years, or so I was told, until he was apparently sited for working too slowly, but it seemed he often wasn't working at
all. He seemed to feel they were going to fire him, so he needed time to jump ship again. He came home big-eyed one
afternoon to tell me the HVAC in a local hospital where he cared for all the HVAC equipment had the same issues as the one
in Bermuda where the HVAC in the surgeries wasn't working properly and they had to shut down maybe three of five surgeries.
The NICU had to have 24/7 nursing care staff at each child's cot, for days, and they brought in portable generators while
he tested everything and sent crystals to a lab for testing a little nearer by, so I think it only took a couple of weeks
or so, maybe three, once the issue was found, but not entirely resolved as to how it would happen in the first place. It
generated a lot of work and once again he was the hero because he fixed the problem. IF what he told me was true.
He is very reassuring and sounds so professional, and he had a fair amount of time to negotiate employment with another
company, but I think he didn't want to leave, he was forced to. He refused to tell me what company he moved to. I know he
was easily embarrassed by not getting the deal he wanted with whom he wanted.
There were other times I believe he put people in danger, or caused "accidents," he could tell himself lies about, not only
causing upsetting harm to myself and our young ones, walking the knife edge of murder, and other times soul murder, but
mostly murder of our well being, through deliberate harm. I have thought of how much psychological abuse and coercive
control we endured, and how much he liked to hurt me emotionally, but much of his behaviour centred on him most likely
losing control of addictions like gambling and drinking and trying to fit in with a younger crowd, and then having anxiety
around getting caught and messing up responsibilities which he wanted so as to appear "normal," but didn't want to infringe
on the self-centred life he preferred. He also watched some part of YouTube, it seemed, where he could find about 36 hours
steady worth of either graphic fatal auto or air crashes, or this many hours of live suicides, or simply of Top Gear, etc.
which was watched a little less. I think anxiety caused him to lash out, even if methodically.
He always seemed to have a plan to harm in advance, if he needed to lash out. A small one for me was when he explained how
to pop a person's tires without them deflating until long after, which by that time I wanted to know why he wanted to know
that and how, and he smiled his sickly open-mouthed smirk and I swear showed me the exact same nail and screw as he later
used on my vehicle during the family court nightmare of false narratives he got away with for two years. I still don't
think they get it.
If our daughter told of him smashing her arm into the car door, he waited two or three weeks and smashed her head into the
ceiling by braking hard, so that we could not say anything for the false accusations that might come our way, but daughter
had a headache for three days, and so many other things that were safer not to speak about.
I cannot really imagine adaptive narcissism. My mother was a vulnerable narcissist, and I recently met up with a grandiose
narcissist. The latter is a successful individual on several levels, and I suppose he might be termed adaptive, if any
narcissist might be. But his behavior is harmful to others, and I know that from experience. I do not see his isolation from
others as a sign of a successful life overall.
When you're raised in a narcissistic household, chaos and toxicity seems normal. Or the status quo. This might explain why 40%
of Americans feel like America is great again.
New study links virtue signaling to "Dark Triad" traits. Being accused of "virtue signaling"
might sound nice to the uninitiated, but spend much time on social media and you know that it's
actually an accusation of insincerity. Virtue signalers are, essentially, phonies and showoffs
- folks who adopt opinions and postures solely to garner praise and sympathy or whose good
deeds are tainted by their need for everyone to see just how good they are. Combined with a
culture that says only victimhood confers a right to comment on certain issues, it's a big
factor in online pile-ons and one that certainly contributes to social media platforms being
such a bummer sometimes.
So: Here's some fun new research looking at "the consequences and predictors of emitting
signals of victimhood and virtue," published in the Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology. The paper -- from
University of British Columbia researchers Ekin Ok, Yi Qian, Brendan Strejcek, and Karl Aquino
-- details multiple studies the authors conducted on the subject.
https://imasdk.googleapis.com/js/core/bridge3.396.0_en.html#goog_1646225288
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Their conclusion? Psychopathic, manipulative, and narcissistic people are more frequent
signalers of "virtuous victimhood."
The so-called "dark triad" personality traits - Machiavellianism, narcissism, and
psychopathy - lead to characteristics like "self-promotion, emotional callousness, duplicity,
and tendency to take advantage of others," the paper explains.
And "treated as a composite, the Dark Triad traits were significant predictors of virtuous
victim signaling."
This held true "even when controlling for factors that may make people vulnerable to being
mistreated or disadvantaged in society (i.e., demographic and socioeconomic characteristics) as
well as the importance they place on being a virtuous individual as part of their
self-concept," the researchers note.
They point out that virtue signaling is defined as "the conspicuous expression of moral
values, done primarily with the intent of enhancing one's standing within a social group."
Meanwhile, victim signaling "may be used as a social influence tactic that can motivate
recipients of the signal to voluntarily transfer resources to the signaler," they explain. More
from the paper's theoretical background section:
Receive a daily recap featuring a curated list of must-read stories.
An emerging literature on competitive victimhood documents the prevalence of victim
signaling by various social groups and provides evidence for its functionality as a resource
extraction strategy. For instance, victim signaling justifies victim groups seeking
retribution against alleged oppressors. Retribution often takes the form of demanding
compensation through some kind of resource transfer from nonvictims to the alleged victim.
Claiming victim status can also facilitate resource transfer by conferring moral immunity
upon the claimant. Moral immunity shields the alleged victim from criticism about the means
they might use to satisfy their demands. In other words, victim status can morally justify
the use of deceit, intimidation, or even violence by alleged victims to achieve their goals.
Relatedly, claiming victim status can lead observers to hold a person less blameworthy,
excusing transgressions, such as the appropriation of private property or the infliction of
pain upon others, that might otherwise bring condemnation or rebuke. Finally, claiming victim
status elevates the claimant's psychological standing, defined as a subjective sense of
legitimacy or entitlement to speak up. A person who has the psychological standing can reject
or ignore any objections by nonvictims to the unreasonableness of their demands. In contrast
to victim signalers, people who do not publicly disclose their misfortune or disadvantage are
less likely to reap the benefits of retributive compensation, moral immunity, deflection of
blame, or psychological standing and would therefore find it difficult to initiate resource
transfers.
The effectiveness of victim signaling as a resource transfer strategy follows the basic
principles of signaling theory . Signaling theory posits that the transmission of information
from one individual (the sender) to another (the receiver) can influence the behavior of the
receiver. Signals can refer to any physical or behavioral trait of the sender, and are used
by the senders to alter the behaviors of others to their own advantage.
Their results suggest that:
"a perceived victim signal can lead others to transfer resources to a victim, but that
the motivation to do so is amplified when the victim signal is paired with a virtue signal"
and "people high in the Dark Triad traits emit the dual signal more frequently."
"a positive correlation between the Dark Triad scores and the frequency of emitting the
virtuous victim signal."
"evidence of how these signals can predict a person's willingness to engage in and
endorse ethically questionable behaviors . frequent virtuous victim signalers are more
willing to purchase counterfeit products and judge counterfeiters as less immoral compared
with less frequent signalers, a pattern that was also observed when using participants'
Dark Triad scores instead of their signaling score," and "frequent virtuous victim
signalers were more likely to cheat and lie to earn extra monetary reward in [a] coin flip
game."
"that a dimension referred to as amoral manipulation was the most reliable predictor of
virtuous victim signaling."
"frequent virtuous victim signalers were more likely to make inflated claims to justify
receiving restitution for an alleged and ambiguous norm violation in an organizational
context."
The authors stress that they "do not refute the claim that there are individuals who emit
the virtuous victim signal because they experience legitimate harm and also conduct themselves
in decent and laudable ways."
Bullying knows no borders -- it occurs in every country in the world -- and its impact can
last long after the incidents end. We asked people from the TED community who have firsthand
experience of the problem to offer their best advice.
1. Asking for help is not a sign of
weakness
"Don't think that letting someone else know you're being bullied or asking them for help is
a sign of weakness or that it's a situation you should be able to handle on your own. Going
through it alone isn't a sign of strength on your part, because that's what the bully wants.
They want your isolation, they want you to feel helpless, and if they think they got you in
that position, then they're often emboldened. That was a mistake I made as a kid. It made
things worse. When you don't reach out, you feel like nobody understands what you're going
through and nobody can help you. Those monologues in your mind start getting louder."
-- Eric Johnson ,
sixth-grade teacher from Indiana and a TED-Ed Innovative Educator (
TEDxYouth@BHS Talk:
How do you want to be
remembered ?)
2. And telling someone about being bullied is not snitching.
"Often, kids have this fear of what they call snitching. But if you feel significant stress
when you come to school, if it's too hard for you to come into the building, or if you have the
fear that someone will bother you by saying something or touching you inappropriately, then you
must tell someone. This is not snitching -- you're protecting yourself."
-- Nadia Lopez ,
principal of Mott Hall Bridges Academy, Brooklyn, New York (TED Talk: Why open a school?
To close a prison )
3. Surround yourself with allies.
"Bullies tend not to want to bully someone when that person is in a group, so make sure
you're with friends, people you trust and connect with. Knowing you have defenders around you
who will stand up for you can really help."
-- Jen James, founding supervisor of the Crisis Text Line (Watch the TED Talk:
How data from a crisis text line is changing lives from Crisis Text Line founder and CEO
Nancy Lublin)
... ... ...
Rebekah
Barnett is the community speaker coordinator at TED, and knows a good flag when she sees
one.
@Kevin Barrett Psychologists from the University of Kent carried out three online
studies. Hundreds of people completed questionnaires on conspiracy beliefs
They showed conspiracies are likely to be attractive to narcissists
But while low self-esteem, narcissism and belief in conspiracies are strongly linked, it
is not clear that one causes the other, they add
@anon The people who hate conspiracy theories have such low self-esteem that they have to
keep running rigged studies designed to make themselves look good and their victims look bad.
Okay... he's not a psychoapath, Don. I'll settle malignant sociopathic narcissist, which
means by definition and demonstration that he would not know empathy were it to leap up and
smack him in the face. Liar? We can soften that too. He is a serial fantasists living in the
worlds he creates and like a spoiled child demands, raging when his wishes are not instantly
gratified.
His dictatorial moments would be familiar to anyone who ever worked at his jumped up mom
'n pop real estate shop. His blustering, bullying, blaming, bragging, bloviating, and
berating are on display each day now at the late afternoon campaign commercial
live-from-the-White-House. He's all yours Don.
Well, it looks like I'll need to start contributing to NPR again. They are a little too
woke for my tastes, but Pompeo is a liar, and frankly beyond the pale. A perfect
representative of the current administration by the way. Kudos to NPR for standing up to
him.
Much like U.S. foreign policy, it seems that Mike Pompeo is going to ignore the facts and
keep recklessly escalating the conflict. Surely he's aware that
The Washington Post
published the
email correspondence
between Ms. Kelley and press aide. This just makes him look like
a coward.
From the Trump voter perspective, this journalist should feel lucky that she wasn't sent
to Guantanamo Bay. All Trump voters think this way, there is no exception.
Narcissists & the Compartmentalized Life (Part 1/2)
... .. ...
Invariably, online definitions describe compartmentalization as a defense
mechanism that a person uses to keep certain beliefs and relationships separated from one another so that
they don't conflict. For those who are particularly good at it, like narcissists and sociopaths, it means
being able to get away with just about anything including keeping one lover from ever finding out about
another or from lies ever becoming truly tangled.
Compartmentalization is what narcissists do before,
during, and after a Discard. Compartmentalizing is how the narcissist keeps partners (or only
certain
partners) from ever meeting his friends and family members. Compartmentalization is the perfect explanation
for how the
narcissist can just leave you
without giving a fuck why your
history with a narcissist
means absolutely nothing why he appears to simply vanish
during
a silent treatment
and why he's so adept using
the Cell Phone Game
to keep you at arms length even when you think you
are
"together".
Imagine the narcissist's twisted head
as being like a building that contains a whole bunch of empty rooms – or compartments – to which he is the
only key holder. Over time, the narcissist fills these compartments, each with a single scenario from his
life and each scenario having little or no knowledge about the existence of the other compartments. By
carefully keeping tabs on the contents of each compartment and by controlling all levels of communications
and interaction, the narcissist keeps the potential for conflict and confrontation to a bare minimum as he
moves from one to the other. The biggest benefit, of course, to compartmentalization is that the
narcissist can behave
one way while visiting one compartment and behave completely
differently when visiting another.
And since the narcissist is a
pretender extraordinaire
and master chameleon, the fact that he's has to basically lie
through his teeth during each visit isn't even an issue. In fact, that's the easiest part of the strategy!
In another article series on this site called
A Sociopath Exposes the Narcissist
, I use actual pieces of blog posts written by a very
popular online sociopath to prove my point about
how a narcissist thinks
. To prove my point about compartmentalizing, I'll use yet
another blurb from that same blog:
For me, my Game Theory is not only one fashion of handling life, it's also the concept
of compartmentalization. As many people have commented, trying to keep everything in order (in regards to
the lies, half-truths, manipulations, "games," etc.) would be exceedingly difficult (for a
sociopath/narcissist). And it would be, if the sociopath's mind operated as a normal person's. Everything
in my mind is organized sort of like folders (compartments) and folder groups that you might find in,
say, Windows Explorer; everything has its place. When a situation presents itself or I am with a certain
friend or friend(s), I simply "open" up that folder and behave accordingly.
When one's mind is organized
in such a way that no thought co-mingles with others, you don't have the problem of "remembering all of
the lies," because you have everything you need neatly stored away, waiting to be accessed at the right
time.
This same concept of compartmentalization applies in all walks of (my) life, whether it be love,
friendships, work, etc. Another benefit to compartmentalizing is that it enables oneself to keep track of
"friend circles", thus ensuring that none of these circles cross in any way; this can allow for you to
more easily adapt to any number of given situations per friend circle. For example, for each different
personality, I just find another lover (in addition to or instead of one you may already have). I find
myself involved in many different circles, but almost as a ghost; I can walk in and out of these circles
almost unnoticed and never be missed.
To imagine
life as a narcissist,
we must imagine ourselves moving in and out of these compartments
whenever it served a beneficial purpose. A narcissist might have separate compartments for you, his other
girlfriend(s), his work relationships, his family life, his guy friends, his time at the gym or in the band
or at the bar or home alone at his apartment.
Then, when it's convenient, he just moves in and out of the
little rooms like a snake, carefully closing the door behind him when he arrives and also locking it tight
when he leaves.
He might be giving you
the silent treatment
while hanging out in the compartment next door and you won't even
know it. Or he can be having a regular sex life with three different women who all think that they're his
only girlfriend. When a person is a
pathological liar
and has no empathy, sympathy, guilt, or remorse, compartmentalization
is the way to go!
The fact that a narcissist is capable of having a long-term relationship with
one person while carrying on a similar affair with one (or more) other persons is a constant source of angst
for all of us. And I believe it's not the cheating itself that is the biggest issue but rather the
narcissist's lack of conscience/emotion that appears to go with it. How
does
he do it without
feeling a single thing? When confronted with an affair, my ex was able to fake remorse for only a day or two
before he threw up his hands in exasperation and screamed "Get over it! I just didn't think it was any big
deal!"
Excuse me?
No big deal?
This way of thinking, of course, isn't normal because even
an asshole knows that cheating is hurtful. But the narcissist, in his non-emphatic way of thinking, doesn't
see it that way. So, as hurtful as my ex's response was to me, he was actually telling me
a snippet of truth
but at the time, I sure didn't see it that way either and it caused me great distress.
"... But the third are the narcissistic and psychopathic leaders, whose motivation for gaining power is purely self-serving. ..."
"... Narcissistic leaders may seem appealing because they are often charismatic (they cultivate charisma in order to attract attention and admiration.) As leaders they can be confident and decisive and their lack of empathy can promote a single-mindedness which can, in some cases, lead to achievement. Ultimately though, any positive aspects are far outweighed by the chaos and suffering they create. ..."
"... Every potential leader should be assessed for their levels of empathy, narcissism or psychopathy to determine their suitability for power. At the same time, empathetic people -- who generally lack the lust to gain power -- should be encouraged to take positions of authority. Even if they don't want to, they should feel a responsibility to do so -- if only to get in the way of tyrants. ..."
"... Instead, anyone with a strong desire for power and wealth is barred from consideration as a leader. According to anthropologist Christopher Boehm, present-day foraging groups "apply techniques of social control in suppressing both dominant leadership and undue competitiveness." ..."
"... If a dominant male tries to take control of the group, they practise what Boehm calls "egalitarian sanctioning." They team up against the domineering person, and ostracize or desert him. In this way, Boehm says, "the rank and file avoid being subordinated by vigilantly keeping alpha-type group members under their collective thumbs." ..."
Throughout history, people who have gained positions of power tend to be precisely the kind of people who
should not be entrusted with it. A desire for power often correlates with negative personality traits:
selfishness, greed and a lack of empathy. And the people who have the strongest desire for power tend to be
the most ruthless and lacking in compassion.
Often those who attain power show traits of psychopathy and
narcissism. In recent times, psychopathic leaders have been mostly found in less economically developed
countries with poor infrastructures and insecure political and social institutions. People such as Saddam
Hussein in Iraq, MuammarGaddafi in Libya and Charles Taylor in Liberia.
But modern psychopaths generally don't become leaders in affluent countries (where they are perhaps more
likely to join multinational corporations.) In these countries, as can be seen in the U.S. and Russia, there
has been a movement away from psychopathic to narcissistic leaders.
After all, what profession could be more suited to a
narcissistic
personality than politics
, where the spotlight of attention is constant?
Narcissists
feel entitled to gain power because of their sense of superiority and self-importance.
Those with narcissistic personalities tend to crave attention and admiration and feel it is right that
other people should be subservient to them. Their lack of empathy means they have no qualms about exploiting
other people to attain or maintain their power.
Meanwhile, the kind of people who we might think are ideally suited to take on positions of power -- people
who are empathetic, fair minded, responsible and wise -- are naturally disinclined to seek it. Empathetic
people like to remain grounded and interact with others, rather than elevating themselves. They don't desire
control or authority, but connection, leaving those leadership roles vacant for those with more narcissistic
and psychopathic character traits.
Different types of leader
Yet it would be misleading to say it is only psychopaths and narcissists who gain power. Instead, I would
suggest that there are generally three types of leaders.
The first are accidental leaders who gain power without a large degree of conscious intention on their
part, but due to privilege or merit (or a combination). Second are the idealistic and altruistic leaders,
probably the rarest type. They feel impelled to gain power to improve the lives of other people -- or to
promote justice and equality, and try to become instruments of change.
But the third are the narcissistic and psychopathic leaders, whose motivation for gaining power is purely
self-serving.
This doesn't just apply to politics, of course. It's an issue in every organisation with a hierarchical
structure. In any institution or company, there is a good chance that those who gain power are highly
ambitious and ruthless, and lacking in empathy.
Narcissistic leaders may seem appealing because they are often charismatic (they cultivate charisma in
order to attract attention and admiration.) As leaders they can be confident and decisive and their lack of
empathy can promote a single-mindedness which can, in some cases, lead to achievement. Ultimately though,
any positive aspects are far outweighed by the chaos and suffering they create.
What is needed are checks to power -- not just to limit the exercise of power, but to limit its attainment.
Put simply, the kind of people who desire power the most should not be allowed to attain positions of
authority.
Every potential leader should be assessed for their levels of empathy, narcissism or psychopathy to
determine their suitability for power. At the same time, empathetic people -- who generally lack the lust to
gain power -- should be encouraged to take positions of authority. Even if they don't want to, they should feel
a responsibility to do so -- if only to get in the way of tyrants.
Models of society
This might sound absurd and impractical, but as I suggest in my book,
The Fall
, it has been done
before. There are many tribal hunter-gatherer societies where great care is taken to ensure that unsuitable
individuals don't attain power.
Instead, anyone with a strong desire for power and wealth is barred from consideration as a leader.
According to anthropologist Christopher Boehm, present-day
foraging groups
"apply
techniques of social control in suppressing both dominant leadership and undue competitiveness."
If a dominant male tries to take control of the group, they practise what Boehm calls "egalitarian
sanctioning." They team up against the domineering person, and ostracize or desert him. In this way, Boehm
says, "the rank and file avoid being subordinated by vigilantly keeping alpha-type group members under their
collective thumbs."
Just as importantly, in many simple hunter-gatherer groups power is assigned to people, rather than being
sought by them. People don't put themselves forward to become leaders -- other members of the group recommend
them, because they are considered to be experienced and wise, or because their abilities suit particular
situations.
In some societies, the role of leader is not fixed, but rotates according to different circumstances. As
another anthropologist,
Margaret Power, noted
: "The leadership role is spontaneously assigned by the group, conferred on some
members in some particular situation One leader replaces another as needed."
In this way, simple hunter-gatherer groups preserve stability and equality, and minimise the risk of
conflict and violence.
It's true that large modern societies are much more complex and more populous than hunter-gatherer
groups. But it may be possible for us to adopt similar principles. At the very least, we should assess
potential leaders for their levels of empathy, in order to stop ruthless and narcissistic people gaining
power.
We could also try to identify narcissists and psychopaths who already hold positions of power and take
measures to curtail their influence. Perhaps we could also ask communities to nominate wise and altruistic
people who would take an advisory role in important political decisions.
No doubt all this would entail massive changes of personnel for most of the world's governments,
institutions and companies. But it might ensure that power is in the hands of people who are worthy of it,
and so make the world a much less dangerous place.
Another problem with Trump negotiating tactics is that they require the counterparty to accept public humiliation.
Notable quotes:
"... Trump never offers positive incentives for cooperation, but relies instead on inflicting economic pain in an attempt to bully
the other government into submission. Of course, bullying tactics tend to backfire, especially when the bully's demands seem impossible
or unreasonable. ..."
"... His primary method and strategy is to be thuggish and bullish, then lie his way out of the consequences. The fact that he can
continue to behave as he did is because he has yet to experience the consequences of his actions. ..."
The latest threat to impose new tariffs on imports from Mexico shows that Trump is interested in using economic threats and punishment
mainly to pick fights, and then once he has picked the fight he cites the conflict he started as proof of how "tough" he is. He sets
conditions that other governments cannot or will not meet, and then seeks to penalize them for "failing" to agree to unrealistic
terms.
The problem isn't just that Trump is liable to reverse course and sabotage his own agreements once they are made, but that other
governments have absolutely no incentive to make an agreement with him in the first place.
Trump never offers positive incentives for cooperation, but relies instead on inflicting economic pain in an attempt to bully
the other government into submission. Of course, bullying tactics tend to backfire, especially when the bully's demands seem impossible
or unreasonable.
Yes, any clear minded American patriots should be talking about abuse of power by Trump, not just obstruction of justice.
His primary method and strategy is to be thuggish and bullish, then lie his way out of the consequences. The fact that
he can continue to behave as he did is because he has yet to experience the consequences of his actions.
ADamnSmith: Yes, I'm a psychologist. You've pretty much nailed it. I'd add that one of the
major reasons narcissistic sociopaths are dangerous is that they lack empathy for others.
From the comments it is clear that Kamala diplomatic skills are much to be desired.
Her style is very simple: Bullying and attempt to intimidate. It only works against betas. Typical trick: "Is it true you've stopped beating
your wife? Yes or no. Please answer the question. Think carefully about your answer."
During a Senate Intelligence hearing, things got heated between Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA)
and Republican senators on the committee.
" Subscribe to MSNBC:
http://on.msnbc.com/SubscribeTomsnbc
She slept her way into government sleeping with Willie Brown ex San Francisco mayor
Diane
Byers7 months
ago Lol what a low class, bottom feeding , smirking ghetto rump!!!!
She's lucky the Chairman didn't publicly reprimand her when she raised her
eyebrows and then talked over the top of him when he told her to suspend. She's just a
bully
The Home-wrecker (Harris) should be in jail, not the Senate (look up Willie Brown, then
do a little research on how Ms. Harris was GIVEN her Senate seat). You will be
amazed.
MSNBC.. what you are saying is completely untrue. Sessions was trying to answer her questions
honestly and when Kamala Harris realized she was not going to get the answer her engineered
question was designed to achieve, she immediately pressed on with her next question without
giving Session the chance to finish.
Typical smoke and mirrors witch hunt over something that
just does not exist. I would love to Kamala Harris question Lorreta Lynch... it would last for
48 hours
This happened in 2017 but Kamala is a very slow learner. Today, 9/13/2018, and she is
STILL the same Kamala "bully" Harris. Is she working for the citizens or simply trying to make
political points?
"Narcissism impairs the ability to see reality," said Dr. Julie Futrell, a clinical
psychologist... "...Advisers point out that a policy choice didn't work? He won't care. The
maintenance of self-identity is the organizing principle of life for those who fall toward the
pathological end of the narcissistic spectrum."
... ... ...
The psychological warning signs? "Scapegoating ..., degrading, ridiculing, and demeaning
rivals and critics, fostering a cult of the Strong Man who appeals to fear and anger, promises
to solve our problems if we just trust in him, reinvents history and has little concern for
truth (and) sees no need for rational persuasion."
The American Psychiatric Association says
that anyone exhibiting five of the following nine egotistical traits has
Narcissistic Personality Disorder .
Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be
recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
Is preoccupied with
fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Believe
that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with
other special or high-status people.
Requires excessive admiration.
Has a
sense of entitlement.
Is interpersonally exploitative.
Lacks empathy: is
unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Is often
envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
"... What is killing the Army is exactly the same disease that is killing the American economy and has killed American politics,
and it is spreading internationally. That disease is the promotion or election of officials, be they Generals, CEO's or Congressmen
who have a variant of narcissistic personality disorder. ..."
"... Such folk self select for high office because they will do anything to get ahead without the slightest qualm, and that includes
lying, cheating, character assassination, backstabbing and outrageous flattery of their seniors. They mimic whatever behaviors they
need to exhibit to get ahead, but they don't "own' those behaviours. ..."
"... Isn't the medal quest a game tailor made for narcissists? ..."
"The idea has been allowed to take hold in the army that general officers are a race apart, not subject to the norms of ordinary
life and that nothing should limit their ambition, not even common sense. " It seems quite clear from this and other articles, that
the ROE are about covering General officers backsides, and nothing else.
What is killing the Army is exactly the same disease that is killing the American economy and has killed American politics,
and it is spreading internationally. That disease is the promotion or election of officials, be they Generals, CEO's or Congressmen
who have a variant of narcissistic personality disorder.
People so affected may be intelligent and hard working, but they cannot empathise with anyone. Normal human emotions, shame, love,
fear, embarrasssment, etc. are a mystery to them.
Such folk self select for high office because they will do anything to get ahead without the slightest qualm, and that includes
lying, cheating, character assassination, backstabbing and outrageous flattery of their seniors. They mimic whatever behaviors they
need to exhibit to get ahead, but they don't "own' those behaviours.
At the core of them, there is a gaping hole where empathy for their fellow humans should be. Furthermore, since only a narcissist
can or will work for a more senior narcissist, once the infestation starts it multiplies and filters up and down through the organisation.
Based on what I've read about the levels of frustration, lack of morale and junior officer turnover, I believe, it may be safe to
say that Petreaus and McChrystal are afflicted this way and most probably many officers below them and elsewhere in the Defence Forces
as well.
Since McChrystal no doubt thinks of his troops as no more than a pack of valuable hunting dogs, why would he possibly consider
muzzling them with restrictive rules of engagement to be a problem? "I mean it's not as if we actually have to succeed in doing good
in this god forsaken country, it's not as if the troops have to care about what is happening, I just need to construct the illusion
of success in Afghanistan sufficient to get my next promotion. Why can't the troops see things that way as well?" If you wish to
read about an extreme example of this type of behaviour look no further than the case of Capt. Holly Graf, whose narcissistic abilities
allowed her to rise to command of a Navy cruiser. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holly_Graf
To put it another way, the disease that permitted Goldman Sachs to sell bonds to investors while at the same time secretly betting
that the value of said bonds would fall is one and the same as that affecting the Army. The absolute give away, which I have not
yet heard of in the Army, is the mistreatment of subordinates. Of course the reason for the infestation of these folk in senior management
is our well meaning efforts to end discrimination. Unfortunately discrimination on grounds of character is now forbidden, and solid
evidence of good character provided by peers and subordinates is the only way to avoid promoting narcissists. To put it another way,
there are people I was at school and university with who were rotten then and are rotten now, but today such evidence is inadmissible
in promotion decisions. If you want a depiction of a Narcissist in high office, look no further than Australias current Prime Minister:
"The third example highlights Rudd's nascent contempt for most of the people who work for him and occurred days after his stunning
election win. Staff who had gathered for a briefing on their responsibilities were told their Great Leader would address them.
They were all on a high after the victory, but their excitement soon turned to dismay. They didn't get a version of the true believers
speech; instead, Rudd had one clear message: if any of their bosses stuffed up, it would be on their heads. They were the ones
who would pay the price. He told them they would be given their lines every day and their job was to ensure they and their bosses
stuck to the script. They were not to put a foot out of line. Or else. No mistakes or deviations would be tolerated. Thank you
and good night. Oh and the f-word, which Rudd loves dropping almost as much as the c-word, featured prominently in his little
lecture. Old hands who had worked for previous Labor administrations didn't hang around for very long after that. One referred
to him not by name but as "the megalomaniac from Queensland"."
Thank you all for your comments. I think I need to expand a few thing s alittle further.
Narcissism is not "Self Love", narcissism is a love of "reflected" love from others. Narcissus fell in love with his reflection
in the pool. While Narcissism is an essential part of all our personalities in the NPD disorder the demand for constant narcissistic
stimulation from other people consumes all other desires.
Now many people who suffer from this condition sublimate this need through hard work and apply great intelligence to it as
well. However there is a huge cost because of the character defects Narcissism causes - chief of which is an inability to empathise
with normal human beings.
There has been serious discussion in management theory that NPD sufferers can be valuable sometimes as managers can make ruthless
but necessary business decisions. However that cynical observation has to be balanced against the damage and loss of staff and
morale such a manager inevitably causes.
A classic example of Narcissistic behaviour was provided recently by the Chairman of an Airline, that for a whole year had
ruthlessly worked to lower wages and employment conditions for its workers. At Christmas time she gave some Forty senior managers
each a $600 bottle of wine (Penfold Grange Hermitage). Can anyone not imagine the multiple negative effects of such a gesture
on the ordinary airline staff?
It is too big a task to catalogue the everyday examples of people with this condition. The movie stars and celebrities for
example whose private lives, as seems normal with Narcissists, are a smoking wreck. Tiger Woods is a classic case.
However when we start talking about elected officials, or would be elected officials like Sarah Palin, we can see the serious
implications. Australias Prime Minister Kevin Rudd for example has micromanaged a series of massive policy failures at home and
now craves his narcissistic sublimation by impressing foreign dignitaries on every available occasion, earning him the nickname
"Kevin 747" for his propensity to jet off overseas to speak at the U.N., confer with President Obama, etc. His bad, narcissistic,
style of decision making has cost the nation a lot of money.
In the case of President Obama, what can we say about some one caught making an off the cuff remark about "The Special Olympics"
or who was caught ogling a girl who was not much older than his own daughters? Do we see a pattern here?
I have a sneaking suspicion that some of the "Suicidal Statecraft" that destroy nations is a by product of narcissistic leadership
- for example "The Habsburg Provocation" to "The honour Of France" that started the Franco - Prussian war.
At the General Officer Level, what can one say about Patton? A brilliant charismatic leader and strategist? What does the incident
of the shell shocked soldier say? McArthur? Petreaus? The supposedly sleepless McChrystal? I don't know.
By way of contrats, and Col. Lang will take me to task on this, I was struck on reading Gen. Schwarzkopfs autobiography, by
his apparent high degree of empathy with the average soldiers, even if he appeared far more uncompromising with the officer corps.
I also was struck by his solution to logistical squabbling between Corps commanders in the lead up to Gulf war One - a field promotion
of his logistics Chief from a Two Star to a Three Star General. Such a solution would be anathema to a narcissist.
I am amazed at a discussion of narcissistic personality disorder that to this point, at least, has not mentioned today's poster
child for this disorder -- Sarah Palin.
It would seem that narcissism is rooted in the notion of individualism, in that it expresses a love for the self over the group.
Interestingly and ironically, wasn't it the Catholic Church that championed individualism in the post dark ages era, as a mechanism/method
to disassemble the collectivist mentality of Germanic tribalism -- while at the same time replacing it with their own hierarchical
social/religious authority structure.
I think what Walrus says is essentially true, but would be better said by including the social context by which narcissism
or the cult-ification of individualism could be seen as generating its own kind of social order, or social hierarchy based upon
meritocracy, or the illusion of merit when equated with raw power.
Or perhaps in better words, individualism or narcissism must be seen in the context of being its own hierarchical social structure,
with its own construct of social (not individual) values that are internalized an acted upon by its participants.
And maybe, this why the "effects" of narcissism are so widespread and endemic in all of our institutions.
At least in the civilian world, there is an aspect to this personality trait that is not emphasized in Walrus' comment. A few
-- not all -- of those with a narcissistic personality traits are brilliant. Megalomania is one of the pathways to creativity,
albeit it usually ends w/ some kind of tragedy.
You can bring these people down, imo, and beat them at their own game but expect career sacrifice and do not expect fanfare.
And I would never under estimate their extreme talent.
Can't say about the military world nor do I want to know. But it sure seems to be that General Bragg at Chattanooga fulfilled
a lot of Dr. Dixon's categories in the article mentioned by S.Henning.
I don't understand all this hoopla about the greatness of Confederate Generals. Seems to be painting with too broad a stroke.
Foote does a magnificent job debunking the myth as he continually details the shortcomings of various Confederate Generals. Where
was Joe Johnston when Pembleton was suffering in the beleaguered city? Why isn't Ft. Bragg named Ft. Longstreet?
Re: SST wardrobe malfunction- seems it's just too much to ask that these seals, statuary, etc. be left as they are by prudish
pols (John Ashcroft, anyone?)
Personally, my idea would be if a change simply must be wrought, let's go in the other direction & have Virtus' appearance
match the one on the 1776 VA four dollar note:
Rules of Engagement are simply the manifestation of tasking a bureaucracy, whose only purpose is to killing the enemy, to construct
a puppet popular secular colonial government. It can't be done. "Winning Hearts and Minds", all over again.
There must be something that draws people to power who never learn from the past. On the 35th anniversary of the fall of Saigon,
there have been news stories that comment on the Vietnamese culture and their resistance to foreign Invaders. Yet, not one has
mentioned the real hard nosed fundamentalist culture that has defeated every invader and has never been conquered, the Afghans.
Well put. I didn't know about Holly Graf, and found her story interesting.The Wikipedia article about her included this:
Captain Graf's awards include a Legion of Merit, Bronze Star, Defense Meritorious Service Medal and Meritorious Service Medal
with one bronze service star.
I'm not military, but that's some fairly heavy heroic hardware, especially for a seaman, no? Isn't the medal quest a game
tailor made for narcissists?
The leadership conundrum is a crucial issue. It also brings to mind Norman Dixon's Psychology of Military Incompetence (1975),
which I used to recommend to officers working under me in situations that reflected the problem. There is a good summary of this
book at the following link:
http://www.mindef.gov.sg/imindef/publications/pointer/journals/2004/v30n2/book_review.html
Unfortunately I think that narcissism has always been the flip side of leadership. Most of us don't need the fawning adulation
of our peers. And most of us have enough self-awareness to preclude us from exuding the self-confidence necessary for selection
as a leader.
Narcissism and the accompanying tendency to put self-interest above public interest is why the founding fathers instituted
a system of checks and balances. Unfortunately, leaders find ways to circumvent or disable checks on their authority over time.
HOW DO THESE MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE GET THEIR JOBS????
Oh. Wait. Never mind. The Americam People are the victims here...that's right.
I forgot that for a minute and in forgetting that it seemed for a second like the American People might get the behavior out
of politicians that they consistently reward at the ballot box. How silly of me.
We have had to witness this plethora of Narcissism being carried to the extreme ever since 911. Instead of holding accountable
those responsible for failing to do their duties, the Narcissists in both our Congress and White House decided to create 'more'
Narcissistic 'castles in the sand' with their DHS, TSA, NORTHCOM, etc.. I can understand to a point DOD deciding to create NORTHCOM,
but I had always thought that was what NORAD was for. Alas, no NORAD accountability, heaven forbid. Let's create more $$$ sank-holes
like TSA, and America's very own version of an internal NKVD force known as DHS (as what many of my fellow Americans refer to
DHS as).
While the Narcissists in our White House and Congress eat their crumpets and drink their tea, everyday people who do show signs
of human life inside them (i.e. emotions, moral instincts,etc.) continue to be downtrodden by these bands of Narcissists who have
in effect altered the food chain. Accountability and responsibility are not in their Narcissist dictionaries.
Our moral instincts are not logically consistent. A recent classic experiment shows that people would, without hesitation, hypothetically
choose to flip a switch causing a speeding train to ploy into one person rather than into a group of people. But if the only way
to stop the train was to shove the fat man next to them into its path they wouldn't do it even though doing so would produce one
death rather than many.
It seems probable that in a combat situation a person of normal instincts would even more strongly favor the guy next to him
and and tend to kill more freely to protect him even though in an insurgency situation the ultimate success would seem to rest
on generating s little hatred among the populace as possible by killing as few bystanders as possible. Hence both the restrictive
rules of engagement and the sickening taste they leave in the mouth of those required to act to risk a buddy for a bunch of strangers.
You can reach restrictive rules of engagement by either route: a deep empathic understanding of the human emotions of the insurgent
population OR by an ant farm view which simply assigns no value to human life and emotions -- your own side or the others -- but
simply sees ROE as the best means to success.
An intriguing thesis and one with which I'm sure many would agree.
To keep it from turning into a never-ending and unresolvable debate, Walrus' argument would be strengthened significantly were
he to describe the behavior and measurement techniques to be used to assess 'moral character' and the criterion to be used to
determine the validity of the assessment results.
"... I have seen this kind of methodology many times before in the world of sole owner entrepreneurial business. In that world egotism is king and the owner/wheeler dealer stands alone surrounded by underlings and consultants. For him they are nothing. They are expendable assets who exist only to serve his egocentric will and interests. They are there to be useful to him and can be disposed of whenever they are not. Trump operates exactly that way. Subordinates are disposable at will. Institutions mean nothing to such a man. He needs a secretary to run errands for him, not a chief-of-staff who will inevitably wish to be a "player." Anyone who takes the job is a fool. ..."
"... So, why has Trump done this? My present theory is that DJT is displeased with Dunford and wishes to hold over his head the threat of quick dismissal . This is a close analogy of the way people like Trump operate in business where it is routine to undermine subordinates for the purpose of creating insecurity leading to prostrate submission to the throne ..."
"... entrepreneurs are often know-it-all types who would have great difficulty surviving in a business that didn't consistently permit them to have their own way, all the while tolerating their difficult personalities. It seems many entrepreneurs rely on family members to varying degrees. ..."
"... I have no way of knowing if Trump's intuition is based in part on B movies, but it is surely based on his many-decades of experience in real estate development, primarily in cut-throat NYC, which likely accounts for his pugnacity and desire for loyalty. Long ago, someone sagely warned me that the first 3 letters of "contractor" spell CON. ..."
"... Considering the fact that this often goes under the title of intuition (with intuition also defined as educated guess), I am afraid there is very little "educated" in Trump's intuition, or "feel" for that matter. ..."
"... The other descriptive that I like is that these, usually men, wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night thinking of nothing except how to maintain their position. ..."
"... I have fought the notion that his constant creation of insecurity on my part was intentional. I've harbored these thoughts in my own personal wilderness for many years, but have never heard someone else discuss the same issues before. Sometimes a diagnosis has a clarifying value in its own right! ..."
IMO Trump has no real use for a chief-of-staff in the White House.
I heard Anthony Scaramucci (the little guy who was in the WH for a couple of days) say on
TeeVee yesterday that Donaldo has his own way of doing things that involves establishing a "hub
and spokes" system and that he needs people he trusts and who accept his personal judgment,
judgment based on his own "feel" for situations.
I have seen this kind of methodology many times before in the world of sole owner
entrepreneurial business. In that world egotism is king and the owner/wheeler dealer stands
alone surrounded by underlings and consultants. For him they are nothing. They are expendable
assets who exist only to serve his egocentric will and interests. They are there to be useful
to him and can be disposed of whenever they are not. Trump operates exactly that way.
Subordinates are disposable at will. Institutions mean nothing to such a man. He needs a
secretary to run errands for him, not a chief-of-staff who will inevitably wish to be a
"player." Anyone who takes the job is a fool.
In this context the case of the Trump announcement, a year in advance of his term's end, of
a replacement for the CJCS, General Joseph Dunford USMC is interesting. Trump has announced
that General Mark Milley, the present US Army Chief-Of-Staff, will succeed. The question is -
why announce now? And why announce this now with a "footnote" to the effect that the "transfer"
date will be announced at some future unspecified date? Milley is a loquacious, big, and
energetic man who is reportedly quite good at the backslapping, locker room chit-chat that
Trump is comfortable with. He undoubtedly has made a good impression on Trump in personal
contacts and impression is all important in dealing with Trump.
OTOH Milley is really not like Trump. He is an Ivy League product of Princeton and Columbia
Universities, is widely read in history, is personally as brave as a lion on the battlefield
and has a record of working well within the institutions of the armed forces for systematic
re-structuring of the Army. I will guess that the president doesn't really know much about
Milley. IMO he will inevitably and quickly be displeased with Milley when he is CJCS.
So, why has Trump done this? My present theory is that DJT is displeased with Dunford and
wishes to hold over his head the threat of quick dismissal . This is a close analogy of the way
people like Trump operate in business where it is routine to undermine subordinates for the
purpose of creating insecurity leading to prostrate submission to the throne. pl
Great analysis. I don't see Trump as malicious in his behaviour (nor perhaps do you), it's
just the way he has successfully navigated the property development shark tank. He loves his
country and I think he will be forgiven for a lot if he succeeds in perhaps not completely
draining the swamp but desiccating and shrinking it a bit.
Trumps is not the only way to do business. There is an Australian property development
billionaire (Frank Lowey) who seems to have succeeded in that field by crafting exceedingly
subtle "win/win" solutions, not the "win/lose, sturm und drang" Trump productions.
I don't see him as malicious either. He has an occupation induced personality deformity. I
agree that if he succeeds in some of these initiatives, a lot of this will be forgiven and
forgotten. Yes you can do this on a win-win basis. In my experience the Guggenheims do that.
I had never heard of the "hub and spoke" method of business management. Very interesting.
You wrote: "He needs a secretary to run errands for him, not a chief-of-staff who will
inevitably wish to be a "player." I have worked in that "secretary" position for a very small consulting firm. I can still
hear in my head my name being yelled and having to drop everything to run in and figure out
what new and important task I had to accomplish.
I had been hired to proofread the consultant's documents because no one nowadays teaches
"correct grammar." I did that, but much of my time was spent finding things and information
and people that he needed.
I pretty much agree with this assessment of entrepreneurs. It's been my experience, not only
as part of a mid-western mom and pop commercial real estate company, but also as a resident
who literally lives on a Main Street lined with small businesses, that entrepreneurs are
often know-it-all types who would have great difficulty surviving in a business that didn't
consistently permit them to have their own way, all the while tolerating their difficult
personalities. It seems many entrepreneurs rely on family members to varying degrees.
I have no way of knowing if Trump's intuition is based in part on B movies, but it is
surely based on his many-decades of experience in real estate development, primarily in
cut-throat NYC, which likely accounts for his pugnacity and desire for loyalty. Long ago,
someone sagely warned me that the first 3 letters of "contractor" spell CON.
I'll never forget the very first time I visited New York as a young girl, and a SoHo shop
keeper mocked me for speaking too slowly. It's a different world, lacking in gentility...
and who accept his personal judgment, judgment based on his own "feel" for situations
Considering the fact that this often goes under the title of intuition (with intuition
also defined as educated guess), I am afraid there is very little "educated" in Trump's
intuition, or "feel" for that matter.
Yes. Intuition is high speed reasoning based on a massive store of data and experience.
"Fingerspitzengefuhl?" The problem with Trump's "feel" is that it is based on B movies and
similar quality sources. In the military context this describes someone in whom knowledge has
become capability and who understand a battlefield by looking at it.
As long as you include all organizations under the umbrella term "business" this is exactly
accurate. Spend some time in an academic department.
The other descriptive that I like is that these, usually men, wake up in the morning and
go to sleep at night thinking of nothing except how to maintain their position. Trump must be
a very worried man at this stage. Worried and explosively temperamental. Who can he please?
He needs to toady to someone, and thus far the only people he's been able to toady to are VVP
and Kim. So, more campaign rallies and appearances on Fox. Not enough to keep him going.
Wartime President?
I was the Professor of the Arabic Language and Middle East Studies at West Point. That is the
oldest college of engineering in the US. It is not the same. There, my colleagues were trying
to screw me. It was not the bosses, head of department, dean, etc. In the entrepreneurial
sole owner setup the owner seeks to intimidate you to hold power over you.
You're right about the technique for getting rid of subordinates.
I worked for many, many years in a piranha tank and saw this behavior up close.
It was explained thusly:
"He was sold to the board and has a friend on the board, so I'll make his life miserable
until he gets the message."
Outright firing (except for cause) can get messy
Sole proprietorships usually have another dark side - family members.
Your analysis of Trump's "style" seems spot on.
Every day (sometimes every hour) is a new "adventure."
BTW, according to his autobiography, Herman Neumann, (Herman the German) VP for aircraft
engines at GE, had a sign on the office wall behind his desk: "Feel Insecure".
I appreciate all the insights this site provides, but none maybe greater, personally, than
your comments above: I've spent the last 15 years working at single proprietor consultancies
in a sales capacity, and my current boss treats me exactly as you pointed out above.
I have
fought the notion that his constant creation of insecurity on my part was intentional. I've
harbored these thoughts in my own personal wilderness for many years, but have never heard
someone else discuss the same issues before. Sometimes a diagnosis has a clarifying value in
its own right!
Scotch Bingeington , Oct 22, 2018 5:00:53 PM |
link
B, amazing work again, thrilling to read. Though this is a yet unfolding story, you manage to
write about it in a profound way.
Regarding the manner in which MbS operates here and subsequently reacts towards other
people's reactions is certainly telling, at least to me. First off, the coercion -- "come
back or else " -- flat out. The ruthlessness vis-à-vis the victim, the complete
disregard for that individual's life. The crassness of the methods applied. The carelessness
concerning the risks and the half-assed way in which this exercise, by and large, was carried
out. Once word got out, being utterly taken by surprise that this murder should draw so much
attention and should shock and outrage people -- like, at all! Followed by, of course, a
sudden switch from ever-so-charming to furious rage.
That's textbook psychopathic behavior. MbS is a psychopath. I don't mean that as an
insult, but as the descriptive term and category that it is. It was already palpable in all
the other incidents, which was duly pointed out here by people at the Moon. To me, it's also
in his eyes.
But the thing is, as such, MbS is a befitting representation of his country. The
Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, the way that it works, how it's organized, its history, its outlook
on the world -- it's the equivalent among states of a psychopath.
I certainly agree, the
sooner MbS gets kicked off the stage, the better for them and for us. But he'll be replaced
and SA will still be the equivalent among states of a psychopath -- and act accordingly.
There's much more to be done than just put an end to MbS' games. In that vein, I'd be
appalled if Russia were to seriously consider sucking up to SA should they break away from
the US orbit.
I didn't bother to continue to listen to her exegesis when she stated that the main
problem of a narcissist is low self-esteem. This is not true. The fundamental element of all
forms of narcissism is the over-arching need to divert all social attention to their own
agendum.
Very clear explanation of the differences and well spoken by Dr. Ramani. However, the
knowledge explained in this interview was already defined in the DSM-1 from 1952 and is
nothing new. Hell, even Freud was trying to figure out narcisists more than a hundred years
ago.. The danger of explaining these types of personality disorders this popular way, i.e.
the behavior of the so called psychopath from the interviewer's story, is that people
popularize these labels and tend to use them whenever they see fit, like for instance 'This
guy hurt my feelings, he is a total psycho'. Please remember that a person's personality is a
spectrum. They're not to be labeled by one disorder. Dr. Ramani's mistake in this interview
is to put a label on this psycho-boyfriend-from-college-person, based on a story, transfered
from like 4 people or more, so it might be full of bias. Of course there must be something
really wrong with the guy for acting that way he did if this is actually a true story.
However, this is not a remotely valid diagnosis of the actual person because, from the
information I got from this interview both of them have never even seen this guy. These kind
'ghetto-diagnoses' have a tendency to become gossip or even slander, like 'We, the people
have labeled you a total psychopath because your behaviour fits Dr. Ramani's description of a
psychopath in a certain way, move to the Antarctic' (not talking from personal experience
here haha) ;-) My point is: In actual science, measuring is knowing. Jumping to a conclusion
like that: Not very professional in my humble opinion. Tends to pseudo science if you ask me.
But I guess the good doctor knows this, being a professor..
I was in a 17 year relationship, 15 yr marriage with a sociopathic man. He was successful,
he could read people like a book and played games with ppl to get his way. {He was the exact
opposite of an e Empath. Reading people's visual cues is not the same as being attuned to
what others around you are feeling.}
He would come home and brag about his manipulations. He knew just how to make anyone love
him including doctors for whatever meds he wanted, or psychologists to check a box.
His mother always told me, "that man is not the same person I raised." He had absolutely
no guilt or regret, but he had a strong black and white clarity of right and wrong.
It's a learned morality without intuition. He knew what he was-- he told me his father and
uncle were sociopaths and he knew he was missing something inside. We got together in high
school, so I didn't see it until years after we were married, and he was in his early
20's...he morfed into a different person. I knew I could not have children with him.
He was charming but it was a facade. His anger, control, power issues were under the
surface of it all. I loved him deeply and believed he loved me deeply as well. (You will
never feel a stronger connection to someone with narcissistic tendencies-they can make the
earth stand still for you. They will also shatter your world in an instant if you're no
longer useful to them.) {**Sociopaths do in fact care... They become incredibly ANGRY &
FRUSTRATED when they're found out, when someone gets in their way, or when their
power/control is threatened. If you're the target of their anger, WATCH OUT!!! }
In the final year, he was living a double life, engaged to another woman, and continued
normal every day life with me. When I went to see my mother before her surgery, he moved his
girlfriend into my house, and served me divorce pprs. (It was no big deal to him. I was
merely an inconvenience.)
I never saw him again, never got most of my things back, and my service dog became another
game for him to hurt me with. She died of a stroke just after. I never saw her again either.
This was the worst... He spent 25k of our savings in one month taking her to our favorite
places.
You kiss your husband goodbye one day, and the next day, your entire world falls apart. He
played victim on social media, in court and with our friends, with a smear campaign and cyber
stalking me.
It was absolutely brutal to watch, but I said nothing (until court). Truth comes out
eventually--and it did. I had a great lawyer. It was very clear my ex hadn't thought through
the most basic consequences of a divorce much less his actions. Typical narcissistic behavior
is doing what you want, when you want, not thinking through the potential outcomes (hurting
ppl, jail, losing a job, causing illness, etc.)
Part of the manipulation is to play the part of victim in any circumstance things don't go
their way. They'll play the hero every other time- mind you it is all an act. I'm disabled
and chronically ill, and he used the most fragile moments of my illness to publicly shame me
as someone "pathetic" that "no one would want to be married to".
It was not a bad marriage at all, it was like a mother-child relationship, which can make
it confusing for ppl when they turn into these spiteful monsters out of nowhere. It took
years for the shock to wear off, for the feelings of love and protection to melt away and for
me to see what family and friends had already known. I refuse to see myself as a victim.
I'm not angry, bc this is meant to be part of my story--certainly not the end, as I'm
starting over at 35, lol.
This is the short version of my story, and if you suspect you are in a relationship with a
sociopathic person, please get out. "You can't fix people, you can only love them..."
And you will be the one who needs fixing when they are through with you. Give them to God,
pray for them, but get away from them fast as you can before they make you into another
thing they own . xo
Most leaders in history also display characteristics of psychopathy, not just Trump. The
fact is that any normal functioning person would be completely overwhelmed with the
responsibilities that come with running a country, including decisions that involve moral
obligations and an emotional aspect way beyond the normal every day decisions that the
average person has to make. It takes a narcissistic person to have that much confidence in
themselves to believe they can run an entire country successfully - and to want that much
power in the first place.
I just dated a psychopath for 3 yrs on and off,hes in jail now but he has broken my house
car windows beat me up because ive asked him to leave my house threatened me of were to leave
him, I seen in hos eyes his motives were evil, totally different person around other people
and very charming when my female friends were around, always came off like he had sexual
desire for them by the way hed make eye contact,Id catch him doing certain actions then tell
me I didnt see what I know I seen. He made me miserable and scared constantly,then when
accused he'd go in a rage until I admitted I was wrong and apologized. He'd leave for a wk.
Come back and accuse me constantly for cheating sometimes to the point of violence having no
remorse for the pain he had caused I wouldn't dare question where he had been. Out of 3 yrs I
dont believe hes ever answered any of my questions he'd always turned the tables and
questions were being asked out of my guilt so to speak was a roller coaster ride.
In the Story the man told of this Girl he knew and the Guy she dated... The Dr. got it
right that this Guy is a Psychopath, but she is not seeing the whole picture, or doesn't
realize one of the most important traits of a Psychopath... That is, that in ANY situation
the psychopath will not allow someone else to "Best" them. After being dumped by this Girl,
he became her "perfect boyfriend" and she took him back for another year. That entire year
was a Deception Game for the psychopath, and after the year, probably on the exact date, he
announced to the Girl, that he had "Played Her" for that entire year, just to "break her
heart." This example will give one an idea of the dedication as well as the level of deceit
this guy was willing to go through, just to Prove that He will not be "Bested"... by her or
anyone else. This Girl is really lucky that this psychopath chose that route... as usually
the psychopath would just Kill the Girl, in some meticulously planned out fashion, where not
only does he get away with it, but he plants evidence on whoever the Girl is now dating, and
takes care of Two Birds with one stone. Psychopath comes out on top. Psychopaths consider
themselves Superior Beings... and something as simple as beating them in a game of Golf could
end up costing you your life. Especially if there were others their who cheered on the
winner, or made fun of the loser. He wouldn't just kill the guy right there in front of
everyone like a schizophrenic person might. Instead he will take his time, plan his Revenge,
and the right time and place to exact his revenge. It could be 15 years down the road, but
the psychopath never let go of it, and he kills the guy... Probably either on the Golf
Course, or in the Club Locker Room or in the showers, as he wants the victim to know why he
is being killed, and that he can't "Best" the psychopath. Women get killed by their
ex-husbands and ex-Boyfriends all the time, and the Cops always look at the New Husband or
Boyfriend... They might interview the old Husband or Boyfriend, but find it hard to believe
that someone would kill their ex-Wife or GF 12 years later. When they have had seemingly no
contact for all that time. With a psychopath the length of time does not matter... what
matters is that he got the "Best" of the situation.
Damn! Listening to Dr. Ramani describing psychopaths and sociopaths was kind of chilling
to be honest. Mostly because it made me start thinking about everyone I've ever met in my
life and trying to figure out whether or not I know someone like this.
What would be the diagnosis for a person with most sociopathic traits, except two things:
they do think ahead, a lot, and do very heavy planning and considering potential
consequences, and how to avoid the undesirable ones. And they feel fear. They do not take the
risks where they dont stand a good chance of achieving their goals. Everything else is there,
the lack of empathy, not feeling guilty or bad after hurting someone, superficial charm,
lying, manipulating etc etc.
The other thing this Dr. failed to mention, is that Psychopaths are so adept in the
Disguise they have cultivated over their lifetime, that it is Very Common for a psychopath to
fool even a trained psychologist or Dr.of psychiatry into believing they are the far less
dangerous Sociopath. Quite often the Psychopath has a Higher IQ than the Doctor who is
treating them, and they find it easy to fool and manipulate these people. There is a video
here, made by a male Teen, that has just been diagnosed as a "Sociopath", but you can hear
out of his own mouth that it is easy to see that he was mis-diagnosed. He tells everyone he
was just diagnosed, and then goes on to describe how he has always known he was a
"Sociopath"... and that "all of us know, and learn how to hide in plain sight." I hope his
Doctor sees this video, and the re-diagnoses this kid, as just that statement alone gives
himself away as a far more dangerous Psychopath. Most "Sociopaths" do not know they are
sociopaths, and think they are just like everyone else. They mostly refuse to believe they
are "different"... because they hang out with a bunch of other Sociopaths, all who think they
are "normal"... They do not Cultivate a "Disguise", as they see no need, they are just like
everyone else around them. The Sociopath is Made by his social background and the people he
associates with. On the other hand, a Psychopath is Born... and realizes he is a psychopath,
and starts cultivating his or her Disguise around age 5... By the time they are out of High
School they have has a dozen or so years to perfect that disguise, and they are very good at
"hiding in plain sight. Watch this video of this kid, and maybe you will see that he has been
mis-diagnosed as is so often the case. Also... Just look at this kid, ad tell me he does not
look like a psychopath. No Kidding, many psychopaths do have that "psychopath look"... just
like it is so easy to spot someone with "Downs Syndrome". I almost wish it were possible to
have the word "Psychopath" branded into his forehead, as a warning to other to Stay Far Away.
Check it out... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUuCMybwEuc
Missed the boat on polygraphs. Psychopaths can't routinely pass polygraphs. They don't
have empathy but they do usually care about getting caught. Murder may not make them feel
sorrow or guilt but they will often don't want to get caught. Also, the domestic abuse is not
usually done by sociopaths or psychopaths. You need to work with law enforcement and talk to
senior detectives who have dealt with these people. You said that you have done research but
haven't dealt with many because they don't come in for therapy.
Hey guys this is very wrong. I dont know where she learned this but its actually the other
way around. Psychopaths are the ones who end up in a looney bin. They are the ones who kill
people because "a voice of god told them to do it", they are usually very disorganized when
it comes to their crimes. Imagine a schizophrenic. And infact some psycopaths may feel guilt
after they commit a crime as they do not know how to properly express their emotion. And
sociopaths are actually very social creatures. The reason why it is very hard to catch these
guys is because they never leave clues, they are organizied and incredibly intelligent.
Sociopaths feel absolutely zero guilt or remorse, and they tend not have no emotional
(romantic) attachments but do connect easily with others due to their high confidence and
ego. And yes they are the ones who can lie on a test, the can compose themselves very well
even in a stressful situation. I just did some digging and it seems many actual psychologists
have it the other way around which is shocking to me. Psycopaths don't always know that what
they doing are wrong and do it anyways (some think they are doing good i.e. cleansing streets
of "sinful hookers"), meanwhile sociopaths know exactly what they are doing and that it is
wrong but do it anyways.
I was a psychotherapist for 20 yrs and i found numerous mistakes with this woman. First,
psychopaths are NOT always born that way. Other things can make them that way such as serious
abuse in childhood or illness that leave lesions on the brain. Weve known this since at least
WW2. Stalin had lesions on the brain, that's what made him a psychopath, before that he was
normal. This is a HUGE error, anyone educated in psychopathic disorder would know this. Also,
stealing, skipping school could point to other problems that are not being a psychopath but
setting fires as a child is a definite sign that needs to be addresssed asap. This woman is
ignorant of these conditions in many ways nor does she explain in depth. The genetic factor
seems to be a very low factor as it is inherited by about only 1% or less of psychopaths. I
can think of far better psychologists to interview - also in her credentials, she is a
professor but doesn't say where??? No one does that.
She forgot to include that sociopaths can mimic emotions highly and even switch on terms
of emotions because they are good learning and manipulating victims. On other hand
psychopaths are incapable of such emotional intelligence. They are able to trick your mind,
be charming but they cannot mimic or display empathy because they don't see the emotional
need to it in the society. That's what makes catching a psychopath easier than a sociopath.
The sociopaths are the ones abuse bully and torture then kill their wives. The ones who keep
their victims and develop Stockholm syndrome with them. Psychopaths develop fear based
connection and no human emotion-based interactions. The example given by the interviewer is
sociopathic. This lady has to make it clear and she failed. That's why people are
confused.
I was in a relationship with a Narcissistic Sociopath for 5 and a half years and it was
terrible. It took me a long time to realize what was happening because he would be so
fantastic for months at a time- he literally presented himself as my soul mate and it felt
like we has everything in common: he was so charming and flattering and would shower me with
gifts. Then he would suddenly just beak off ALL communication with me for anywhere from 3
days to 6 weeks and I would not have any idea why. He loved it when I would beg him to tell
me what he was angry about, what I had done, how I could fix it. I would end up apologizing
for everything but not actually know what I supposedly did. When when he was done "punishing
me" (his own term) he would pretend to forgive me for whatever indiscretion he was supposedly
punishing me for. I never knew what I had done, he would just say "you should know". I
started keeping a detailed journal to try to figure out what was happening- I recorded
details of every date, what the mood was, what we said and did, how he was acting... I never
could find a trigger for the events but it helped a lot when I approached a psychologist to
try to help me figure out what was happening and how to navigate the relationship. I began to
be afraid to talk when we were together because I was afraid I would do something to anger
him. As he only liked to talk about superficial things, this was good for him. I stayed so
long because when times were good they were extremely good, way better than any prior
relationships. He seemed to have an uncanny sense of knowing when to play his mind games, he
knew just when to start and stop. I loved him and came to realize something was wrong, but I
initially thought he was Bipolar. I wanted to help him and believed that he was suffering
during the times he went Silent. I thought I would be able to help him and didn't want to
abandon him. I was mistaken- it was just part of his game. He was very controlling. I
developed what is called a trauma bond which is very hard to break. Even he knew something
was wrong and also thought he may be Bipolar. He admitted to me that he never felt fear or
stress, love or empathy. He did feel rage and he was extremely jealous, insanely so. Even
though he was in his early 40's, he was extremely emotionally immature. He often accused me
of ridiculous affairs (with a drummer from the band "Trooper", my 72 year old yoga
instructor... etc...). After 3 years of pretty much living together I found out he was
married and has a son (he told me he was divorced and had no children). I found a picture his
wife had posted on Google one day when I searched his name. He was estranged from his wife
and had no feelings at all for his son who he never visited and to this day has no contact
with despite living just 10 minutes away. His son still does not even know where he lives or
that he is in the same neighbourhood. I highly suspect he was cheating on me during some of
the longer Silent periods. This may have even been a reason he imposed them. He absolutely
did not love me- he actually told me this many times and said that he hated the word "Love".
Even though he didn't love me, I was his possession and he did not want anyone else playing
with his toys. When times were good (and they were good long enough to make me forget the
terrible times) it SEEMED like he loved me. I always believed he would change. In the end it
was not even me who ended the relationship, even though two psychologists told me very
adamantly that I needed to get out of the relationship because I was in great danger. He got
bored and dumped me, and to this day I still look back at the "good times" and miss those
parts very much. However, when I am feeling low I reread my journals and reality hits me
because I have to recall the really, really awful parts. I am grateful I am alone. Looking
back, even his gifts were non-personal: lots of electronics that I didn't want. Sometimes he
would give me food items, but never anything intimate or personal like jewelry or clothing.
His home had no personal effects- here was not one item that gave any idea what he liked to
do or what his hobbies were. When we had sex there was zero intimacy. He would touch me but I
was not allowed to touch him- he said it was pointless because he didn't feel anything when I
tried. I often felt like I was just filling a physical need for him (and that is very likely
what I did and why he stayed in the relationship). I discovered that he watched a LOT of porn
and I suspect he got his education that way, because he treated me a lot like the women get
treated in those videos: like an object to be used. No touching, no kissing, no tenderness.
He liked to bite me and he knew I hated it but did it anyways. It was so twisted and
convoluted I lost myself and at one point, during a very lengthy Silent period, came very
close to ending my life. If I had, he would have not cared (or been flattered but not cared).
He really, really enjoyed playing mind games with me, and would constantly build me up then
tear me down. When he was being cruel, his eyes were completely dead. It was creepy, like
looking into the eyes of a snake. I've heard other people who have dated sociopaths and
psychopaths also describe this and I know exactly what they mean. Dr. Ramani said that
psychopaths and sociopaths have trouble keeping jobs- this was not true with my partner. He
was extremely intelligent and Title-oriented: he was and still is in a very high position of
power. I often wonder what the people working below him think of him... but can't ask because
in 5 1/2 years I never met a single co-worker, friend or family member. I seemed to be his
only friend. He works in public office and is slated for another very large promotion that
will give him even more power and control. He thinks he is smarter than everyone, including
the current Director who he is slated to replace. I fear for anyone who crosses him. Now that
I am free I have been trying to get my belongings back from his home, but of course he has to
use it as another way of keeping control. He makes a date then cancels at the last minute. It
never ends.
I was in a long term relationship who was clinically diagnosed as a Sociopath w
Narcissistic tendencies. as he explains about the guy getting even, they want revenge &
never forget when they feel people do them wrong. Great actors. In the beginning, they figure
out what the woman thinks is the perfect man, rushes to commitment & marriage, then the
REAL them comes out.
They don't care if you catch them lying, cheating or whatever. break up with one? Will
NEVER leave you b alone. U better ha v s bigger threat than a restraining order.
Also, they need power -- the money that comes w the fancy title is a bi-product. They
crave power. Very dangerous!
If u date a guy & within 2 weeks he is your soul mate & wants to marry- run. He
will do whatever it takes to get you back (actin, crying, flowers, big diamond ring- RUN.
Familiar with all three, due to my professional. Yes a person is in trouble if involved
with either one of these persons. I dated one narcissi-psyschopath combined. For an 18
months. Totally train wreck , disgusting , no respect for others. Just ...... Till this day
he tries to be a part of my life! Sad,Sad........only to take advantage of me again
!!!!
You guys are incorrect about psychopathy. Actually to not follow immoral man made precepts
doesn't make you a psychopath. Nobody should experience fear because they make a mistake ie
running a red light. There are a lot of statutes and codes put into effect that are BS. The
average man or woman breaks 6 statutory law today. Should we be walking around in fear.
Should we be afraid of the officers who allegedly protect and serve. Should we follow false
doctrine. If there is no victim there is no crime. Actually, a lot of People spend time in
prison and have never harmed anyone. I'll give an example. We have the right to travel in a
car without license and registration . The Supreme Court of US had said so, driving is a
commercial activity. It is the act of for profit business on the road. We could get a
certificate to prove competency, but they want the people to be licensed because it's a
contract that cedes jurisdicton to the state and it's agencies. New Hampshire wrote up bill
NH HB1778 to point out how the corporate state has engaged in silent deception and inducement
by fraud. That people are exempt from licensing and registration. Also court cases are
Thompson v Smith 154, SE 579 and Chicago Motor Coach v Chicago, 169 NE 22. And those cases
are shepardized. If anything these cops arresting People for victimless crimes and attorneys
and judges ruining families and putting people in prison for 15 years and more for putting a
chemical in their body. (Prosecuting attorneys win 98% of the time and and that's with the
defendant having an attorney.) shouldn't it be obvious that we have something going on that
is unequitable and adverse to justice in the "Court System". If you can't chose what to put
in your body then your nothing but a slave. And you can't say that people that put certain
substances in their body will cause crime because it's untrue, and even if it was true, we
can't put people in jail because they may cause a crime. In other words, One should be able
to eat a food or use a chemical, just because some one else may not act honorably with such
things doesn't take away my right to consume them. if they were to do the same. BTW US has
largest prison pop. Higher than China even though they have a bigger population. 85% of the
prisoners in the system have never harmed anyone. I also have some good stats on how poor the
cops are doing from protecting against actual male in se (crimes with a victim). You are 15
times more likely to be murdered by Law Enforcement then the general population. And cops are
no more likely to be harmed in their jobs then the average worker. They are a little less
likely to get killer on the job then men and a little more likely them women. And by the way,
they are literal creating bonds of these prisoners and in the court cases then what they are
doing is putting the defendants into default for not settling the bonds. They are drafting
these people for performance because they use the statutes as an evidence of a debt and then
bond the cases with SF 24, 25, and 25a,then federally with the Miller act bonds GSA 274, 275,
276. What they do is pool these bonds like the reits and remics in real estate, and sell them
as investment securities on the market. So these bonds make about 10k a month, meanwhile the
prisons spend about $2.50 a day for necessities. This is slavery in a new form. The peculiar
institution of slavery was never abolished, just the term. Read the 14th ammendmebt. A
federal citizen is a subject, granted privileges by the state. And the 13th amendment says
you can be a slave if your convicted of a crime. Well if you believe in the statutory laws,
which really only apply to legal Fictions, then the average American commits 6 statutory
violations a day. you are saying that you, and all other men are nothing but slaves because
if one wants to, they could find a statute for you to break Without you knowing what you did
much less harming anyone or their Property. And by the way, anybody can learn to be a good
salesmen and how to read People. VThat's ridiculous to say that selling is psycothapy. I
agree that some People have been induced into a form of secondary psychothopy, which is
basically outwardly psychopathic, but it's actually learned behavior. We're talk to collect
as many federal reserve notes as possible even if we may hurt others. We're taught that it's
ok to murder many people in war if it's in the name of Democracy (Democracy is a false
doctrine and de facto law. The founding fathers disliked it because the majority could steal
from the minority. It's mob rule. In a republic which is the only guaranteed corn of law in
the usA Your rights are protected regardless of a majority vote. The only way you can give up
a natural right is through contract. And the corporate state has been getting the People to
do that under on way adhesion contracts since 1933 and even a little before. To a minor
degree it started in 1871. I just think your definition of psychopath is scary because you
base the definition on assumptions that may or may not be true. The prison population is
higher in US than any other county so I think you should take a look at what's going on and
not make assumptions. This country is no longer free, but I guess if we keep telling
ourselves that it is it must be true. And I guess if our "therapist" tell us we're psycopaths
just because we're not going to let a fear based system bully us, and we are willing to go to
jail to stand up for what's right, and stand up to these officers who are clue less about the
actual law. Not statutes and codes which are government and corporate policies. I can site 3
people who either spent a good amount of time in jail or killed for what's doing what's
right. Martin Luther King. Muhatma Ghandi, and Jesus Christ. All the police ads is modern day
Roman centurions. And if you don't believe Christ existed, the allegory is good enough. This
People honor the Law with there lips, but there heart is far from it, in vain they honor the
Law, holding the doctrines of the Commandments of men. I digress There's nothing new under
the sun Those who have eyes will see; those who have ears will hear
I'm sorry but this is just too much. She makes it seem like there is a lot of sociopaths
out there and as we can hear they become that after they are hanging out with wrong
kids...what??? I would think that her PhD would make her double think after saying something
like that. People become sociopaths after they'we been abused so hard and for so long that
their consciousness can't take it any longer and their body's reaction is to stop feeling
anything... I just feel angry because she makes it look like everyone who was hanging out
with "wrong people " can be a sociopath...so far away from the truth...
One serious note: Dr. Martha Stout said in her book "The Sociopath Next Door" that
sociopaths are often made through abuse trauma. These are people who put their sensibilities
into 'hibernation' due to the pain they felt. The bad behavior afterward is a result of a
learned protection mechanism where they have no feelings. They put their entire psyche into a
box of "win and lose" scenarios where they 'have to' overcome everyone else or they will be
hurt again. NOTE also IN REFERENCE TO THE PART OF THE VIDEO WHERE SHE SAYS THESE PEOPLE DO
NOT SEEK THERAPY - There is a recent phenomenon of these personalities getting into therapy
to "improve their game." This is how they learn to fake normal reactions to sew a seed of
doubt about their behaviors - "Maybe he is just hurting inside, let's give him one more
chance." I was told this was a major theme in "The Sopranos" series.
Actually very few psychopaths are killers. Many many are successful CEO's - they have no
blood lust, and know how to play by the rules. There might be a psychopath bank manager
living next door to you. He isn't going to kill you, but if you get inot a bad situation and
need help - he just wont care.
Licensed doctor... Still believes in lie detectors. I've lied on those things multiple
times and I feel bad for all the people who get convicted by them
Narcissists built a wall between himself and truth and decency. One way to understand them is
to look at mafia bosses
Notable quotes:
"... While the common wisdom dictates that the sociopath/sociopath type predator goes after only those who are of little or no worth, the stupid, the uneducated and perhaps the hopelessly poor/ignorant the reality is oftentimes the polar opposite. The average in-home/family man/family woman sociopath predator goes after someone who is not a predator while that someone does have a lot to offer the sociopath/sociopath type. ..."
"... The predator wants a partner or spouse that offers a great deal of value to strip-mine away ..."
"Pretty is as pretty does, and while it's true that money makes the world go round, nice is
what makes it habitable." The Victim's Guide to Surviving the Narcissist/Sociopath is a quick
guide book describing what a typical narcissist/sociopath is and what his/her typical victim
is.
While the common wisdom dictates that the sociopath/sociopath type predator goes after
only those who are of little or no worth, the stupid, the uneducated and perhaps the hopelessly
poor/ignorant the reality is oftentimes the polar opposite. The average in-home/family
man/family woman sociopath predator goes after someone who is not a predator while that someone
does have a lot to offer the sociopath/sociopath type.
The predator wants a partner or spouse that offers a great deal of value to strip-mine
away . An uneducated moron frequently does not appeal to a sociopath predator that is
looking at more than an extremely short-term quick gain.
This book provides readers with a fast get-down-to-it look at what a narcissist/sociopath
is, what one of these predators does and it gives readers some basic nutshell advice that is
surprisingly hard to come by. A must read for victims and prospective victims alike whether not
yet captured by a narcissist/sociopath or already captured and beginning to figure out,
perhaps, that as a victim or prospective victim you may be in trouble.
This book tells all, for its brevity, starting with the warning signs to the final war plan
with all most of the ugly details included. Photos herein are taken from more than one city
location.
"... What an absolute bully. She consistently belittles and threatens the umpires, purposefully exasperates her opponents, shows no respect for the sporting venue/court or the equipment, hypes up the crowd to boost her self-image and personal views (fully aware that she is a crowd "favorite"), and has not an ounce of humility on the court or when being interviewed. I honestly believe she only put her arm around Ms. Osaka during the award ceremony so that she would appear more caring. There was nothing genuine about it. ..."
"... The Fact Serena Williams Didn't shake the umpires hand ..."
"... I love how she claims sexism, but she attacks him the entire time. Calling him a liar and saying he attacked her, using her power against him. ..."
What an absolute bully. She consistently belittles and threatens the umpires, purposefully
exasperates her opponents, shows no respect for the sporting venue/court or the equipment,
hypes up the crowd to boost her self-image and personal views (fully aware that she is a
crowd "favorite"), and has not an ounce of humility on the court or when being interviewed. I
honestly believe she only put her arm around Ms. Osaka during the award ceremony so that she
would appear more caring. There was nothing genuine about it.
It's funny to see how she says she was not receiving coaching and demanding an apology
here... and then 10 mins later her coach accepted he was coaching her. Naomi was just better in EVERY way during this
match... This was so classless from SW
I love how she claims sexism, but she attacks him the entire time. Calling him a liar and
saying he attacked her, using her power against him.
She did get coaching, because the coach
admitted to it. And she clearly broke her racket. What a poor display. I'm more distraught
that she claimed sexism in a female game? Plus this ump has docked Nadal for the same thing?
I'd get her out of tennis, what a drama queen. She makes tennis look bad
Most disgusting display of unsportsmanlike conduct I've ever seen in any sport.
Despicable. Hopefully this is the highlight this embarrassment of a role model will be
remembered for for the rest of her life. Thank God Osaka won
Serena tried everything in the 'poor me' book. She was being outplayed, plain and simple!
Other players do this sort of crap to unsettle their opponent. It is just a shame she ruined
the match for Osaka who was extremely professional throughout. Well done to her on her first
major win. I don't have anything good to say about the crowd either....the booing was
pathetic.
Narcissism, destroys the ability of a person to form healthy, long term relationship. While
initially seen as chanrming, narsissists can't stop from using person to his/her advantage and
hurt the relationship, often destroying it in a long run.
Notable quotes:
"... Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin ..."
"... Another dimension of narcissism -- the desire for attention -- was not as strongly linked with leadership roles in the groups. ..."
Narcissists like to be in charge, so it stands to reason that a new study shows individuals
who are overconfident about their abilities are most likely to step in as leaders, be they
politicians or power brokers. However, their initiative doesn't mean they are the best leaders. The study also found
narcissists don't outperform others in leadership roles.
Narcissists tend to be egotistical types who exaggerate their
talents and abilities, and lack empathy for others. The researchers stress that narcissism
is not the same as high self-esteem.
"A person with high self-esteem is confident and charming, but they also have a caring
component and they want to develop intimacy with others," said lead researcher Amy Brunell, a
psychologist at Ohio State University at Newark. "Narcissists have an inflated view of their
talents and abilities and are all about themselves. They don't care as much about others."
She added, "It's not surprising that narcissists become leaders . They like
power, they are egotistical, and they are usually charming and extraverted. But the problem is,
they don't necessarily make better leaders."
Born leaders?
The results, which will be detailed in an upcoming issue of the journal Personality and
Social Psychology Bulletin , come from three studies, two with students and the other with
business managers.
In one study, 432 undergraduate students completed surveys that measured various personality
traits, including aspects of narcissism. Then, the students were put in groups of four and told
to assume they were a committee of senior officers of the student union. Their task was to
elect next year's director.
Results showed that students who scored higher on one dimension of narcissism -- the
desire for
power -- were more likely to say they wanted to lead the group. The narcissists were also
more likely to say they did lead the group discussion and more likely to be viewed as leaders
by the other group members.
Another dimension of narcissism -- the desire for attention -- was not as strongly
linked with leadership roles in the groups.
... ... ...
"Many people have observed that it takes a narcissistic person to run for president of the
United States," Brunell said. "I would be surprised if any of the candidates who have run
weren't higher than average in narcissism."
Wall Street traders could also have a high dose of narcissism, she suggested. "There have
been a lot of studies that have found narcissistic leaders tend to have volatile and risky
decision-making performance and can be ineffective and potentially destructive leaders."
Brunell does hedge though, saying that not all troubles in Washington and Wall Street can be
blamed on narcissists, and of course, you can't boil everything down to personalities.
"... The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement ..."
"... Journal of Personality ..."
"... Everything Has Two Handles: The Stoic's Guide to the Art of Living ..."
"... Ronald Pies MD is Professor of Psychiatry and Lecturer on Bioethics and Humanities at SUNY Upstate Medical University, Syracuse NY; Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Tufts University School of Medicine, Boston; and Editor-in-Chief, Psychiatric Times. He is the author of Everything Has Two Handles: The Stoic's Guide to the Art of Living . This article was provided by PsychCentral.com . ..."
What do
rapper Kanye West, tennis star Serena Williams, and Congressman Joe Wilson have in common,
besides lots of publicity over their recent public outbursts?
It doesn't take a psychiatrist to conclude that all three individuals placed their momentary
emotional needs over the feelings and wishes of others -- and that they failed to play by the
proverbial rules of the game. Though their intrusive behavior may be rationalized as "off the
cuff" or "from the heart," the fact remains that each of these individuals performed a
calculation over a period of seconds, minutes, or perhaps hours: they calculated that their
anger or resentment was more important than the decorum others expected of them.
Sure, we all "lose it" from time to time, and impolite outbursts have probably been with us
since our Neanderthal forebears first learned to growl. Furthermore, the impression that
manners have gotten worse and worse over the years may not be supported by historical data.
John F. Kasson, in his book, Rudeness and Civility , points out that people in
medieval times behaved far more boorishly than our modern-day, "It's all about me!" crowd.
Citing the work of sociologist Norbert Elias, Kasson writes that, compared to more recent
times, " people in the late Middle Ages expressed their emotions -- joy, rage, piety, fear,
even the pleasure of torturing and killing enemies -- with astonishing directness and
intensity."
Maybe so -- but the recent tripleheader of West, Williams and Wilson made many of us wonder
if we are turning into a nation of self-absorbed boors. (A Boston Globe editorial on
9/15/09 proclaimed, "Shouting is the New Opining.") This thesis is hardly new. Thirty years
ago, Christopher Lasch put forward essentially the same argument, in his book The Culture
of Narcissism
. But Lasch's claims were mainly impressionistic. Now, however, a number of researchers and
mental health professionals point to studies showing that, indeed, excessive self-absorption is
on the increase.
For example, in their book, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of
Entitlement , Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D and W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D. provide ample evidence for
what they term "the relentless rise of narcissism in our culture." Twenge and Campbell identify
several social trends that have contributed to this problem, including what they term "the
movement toward self-esteem " that began
in the late 1960s; and the movement away from "community-oriented thinking" that began in the
1970s. But the root causes go far deeper. For example, in a chapter entitled "Raising Royalty,"
Twenge and Campbell point to " the new parenting culture that has fueled the narcissism
epidemic." In effect, the authors argue, there has been a shift away from limit-setting toward
letting the child get whatever he or she wants.
Twenge and her colleagues have empirical data to back up their claims. For example, in a
paper published in the August 2008 Journal of Personality , the authors report on 85
samples of American college students, studied between 1979 and 2006. The subjects were
evaluated using an instrument called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory
(NPI). Compared with their peers in the 1979-85 period, college students in 2006 showed a 30
percent increase in their NPI score. That's "the bad news.". If there is some good news, it
might be this: Twenge and her colleagues Sara Konrath, Joshua D. Foster, W. Keith Campbell, and
Brad J. Bushman point to a rise in several "positive traits" correlated with narcissism, such
as self-esteem, extraversion, and assertiveness. Of course, a cynic might reply that these
traits are "positive" only up to a point: When someone's idea of "assertiveness" involves
jumping up on stage and grabbing the microphone from an award-winning singer, assertiveness has
arguably crossed the line into loutishness.
Twenge and Campbell take pains to knock down the myth that all narcissists are basically
insecure folks with very low self-esteem. Their research suggests otherwise -- most narcissists
seem to have a heaping helping of self-esteem! But Twenge and Campbell focus mainly on
individuals they call the "socially savvy narcissists who have the most influence on the
culture." These high-fliers may be the sort one of my colleagues had in mind when he defined a
narcissist as
"somebody who, at the moment of peak sexual bliss, cries out his own name!"
These celebrity narcissists are not, for the most part, the kind of individuals I have
treated in my own psychiatric practice. My patients tended to fall into the group Twenge and
Campbell call "vulnerable narcissists." These unfortunate souls seem to cloak themselves in a
mantle of gold, while feeling that, on the inside, they are nothing but rags. They suffer, to
be sure -- but they also induce suffering in others, by acting out their
insecurities in a thousand provocative ways. And, like some of their celebrity
counterparts, these vulnerable narcissists are prone to outbursts of anger, verbal abuse, or
just plain rudeness -- usually when they feel rejected, thwarted, or frustrated. They remind
one of philosopher Eric Hoffer's observation that "rudeness is the weak man's imitation of
strength."
If we are indeed producing increasingly self-obsessed individuals in our society, what can
we do about it? There is clearly no simple prescription for what are evidently deep-seated
cultural and familial ills. There is almost certainly no "Prozac for Narcissists" anywhere on
the pharmacy shelves. As Twenge and Campbell argue, there is much in the way that we raise our
children that may need to change. In my view, it is not simply a matter of refusing to spoil or
over-indulge our children. Rather, we must also instill positive values that will help
inoculate our children against narcissism.
In my book, Everything Has Two Handles: The Stoic's Guide to the Art of Living , I
argue that the values of the ancient Stoics can help us achieve personal happiness. I believe
that these same values can help our children grow into strong, responsible, and resilient
citizens. And what are Stoic values? It's not just a matter of keeping a stiff upper lip, nor
does Stoicism hold that you should tamp down all your feelings. Rather, Stoics believed that
the good life is one characterized by virtuous beliefs and actions -- in brief, a life based on
duty, discipline, and moderation. The Stoics also believed in the importance of taking life on
its own terms–what they would have described as "living in harmony with nature."
Stoics did not whine when they were passed over for an award, nor did they throw a hissy fit
when they didn't get their way. As the Stoic philosopher, Seneca (106-43 BCE) put it, "All
ferocity is born of weakness." Perhaps most important, Stoics understood the tremendous value
of gratitude -- not only for the gifts we have received, but also for the grief we have been
spared. Maybe if more children were inculcated with these teachings, we would find our
celebrities showing more gratitude and less "attitude."
Ronald Pies MD is Professor of Psychiatry and Lecturer on Bioethics and Humanities at
SUNY Upstate Medical University, Syracuse NY; Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Tufts
University School of Medicine, Boston; and Editor-in-Chief, Psychiatric Times. He is the author
of
Everything Has Two Handles: The Stoic's Guide to the Art of Living . This article was
provided by PsychCentral.com .
It's not easy to call out a complete narcissist. They're highly manipulative in turning
the tables and making themselves the victim leaving the righteous accuser or critic holding
the bag. It takes skill and gravitas not to fall into their trap but they should especially
not be allowed to slither behind legitimate causes to excuse their nasty behaviour and then
be glorified as a brave champion of the oppressed. Mostly it's how they twist the truth and
get away with it that's scary. They'll inflate the minutest legitimacy to make their accuser
appear like the ogre and so emerge vindicated by society. Imo that's a form of bullying.
Again, it takes skill to expose them.
Times have changed not just in tennis. Increasingly devious bad behavior is excused and I
would even say even glorified in sports and everywhere else. Look how long it took for
Americans to admit Armstrong, cancer survivor cycling hero, was cheating. There too the
ego-worship and American public's denial of the truth was nauseating. What about the American
student who probably got away with murder in Italy and was so portrayed as the victim of
European justice? Even when kissing her boyfriend while the coroner took the real victim out
in a body bag they were making excuses with her psychological state. Awh,poor thing...it
was her way of cleansing/releasing the stress of the whole tragedy! There's also the
basketball players who got away with a spree of theft and vandalism in Asia and hardly
suffered any accountability.
Devious bad behavior is tolerated everywhere now and narcissism viewed as strength when
it's only making society more and more ignorant, insensitive and intolerable. Humility and
honor have become weaknesses and the truth a necessary casualty.
I would say Americans are the worst offenders, but the trend they're setting is becoming
rampant and it's degrading society everywhere. Kids are emulating it. That's why it needs to
be called out for what it really is, depraved; wherever, whenever, so it doesn't become the
acceptable normal and the excusable new hip normal for kids.
Now we have a video tutorial how a narcissist behave when he/she is losing, a lesson how to identify a narcissistic bully.
Anyone who has not experienced first hand the wrath of a narcissistic bully should watch this as a training session. Such a
behaviour is triggered when he/she cannot manipulate people like they think they should be able to. The scenario is simple: if
somebody disagrees with them, or worse yet, attempts to call the out for a wrongdoing, they will immediately ratchet things up by:
insisting that the other person is wrong and try to influence their decision making in their favour (admin that you are
wrong~); (2) becoming outraged that the person dares to accuse them of the wrongdoing; (3) instantly "turn the tables": portray
yourself as the victim; (4) use "crocodile tears" to garner sympathy; (5) demand an apology (king of gaslighting, inducing feeling
of a guild without any reason); (6) try to intimidate and threaten the person into giving in
The truth can hurt. The truth can set you free. But you can't hide from THE SAAD TRUTH. Why
are men the majority of Ferrari owners? Why do women prefer tall men? What is evolutionary
psychology? How does one apply biology in understanding consumer behaviour? What is the current
state of intellectual diversity on university campuses? Are all religions equally
violent/peaceful? What is at the root of political correctness and the thought police? These
issues and countless others are addressed in my YouTube channel. My goal is to engage folks in
a fun and informative manner. Please subscribe and spread the word. Cheers. Rating is available
when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again
later.
I found out from the Twitter mob that it is forbidden to criticize Ms. Williams because bruh
"sexism and racism."
_________________________________
"Narcissistic Petulance" and "Self-Entitled" is such a perfect way of describing Princess
Serena.
Molly Whipple
Does anyone else see the sort of behavior that Serena exhibited in this instance as a very public example of the same sort
of ingrained entitled narcissism that seems to be part and parcel of the psychology of the SJW mindset?
H.J. Indy Nuding
The generation now coming out of Western schools is unable to distinguish good from bad. Even those words are
unacceptable. This results in impaired thinking ability. ~Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
Gérard Mentor
Justin Hénin is a close cousin of mine, you wouldn't believe the stories I heard a bout the Williams sisters...these two
are absolute scumbags who'll do anything to win.
Bode Etemadi
Agree with you 100%. This was not sexism nor racism. It was a matter of conduct and violation of rules. Serena acted
poorly and stole the moment from Osaka. Shame on those who are celebrating her for her actions yesterday and shame on those
who claim victimhood on her behalf. Lastly shame on Serena
Bronwyn Doyle
In her uncontrolled temper she broke her racket in three places, in the game and screamed herself into a state of
hysterics. However, another athlete, Jose Bautista hit the ball out of the park and while running to first base he executed
the Famous Bat Flip and he was criticized for over a year for that-he was in good spirits and it was a harmless bat flip but
received no end of criticism. Williams should have been escorted from the court and penalized for her disgraceful behaviour
and using the game for her Soapbox. She ruined the game for her opponent as well. Selfish, conceited woman.
I'm not sure why my latest SAAD TRUTH clip is solely audio. I taped it via my camera as an
audiovisual video. In any case, I won't upload it again, as the message is perhaps better
retained if you are not distracted by my outlandish good looks.
Thank goodness Serena's opponent & tennis referee weren't "white", otherwise all hell
would've broken loose! She played the woman card but couldn't really let loose with the poor
oppressed black card.
The whole ordeal was so sad for Osaka. As a child, Serena was one of her idols and she had
always looked forward to playing against her. Today was the day that dream finally came true*
after years of hard work and her (now former?) idol turned it into a total nightmare.
Williams even refused to shake her hand after the match! She disrespected the umpire. She
disrespected the audience. She disrespected the ideals of sportsmanship and above all, she
greatly disrespected Osaka. *edit: Apparently this was the second game between the two,
thanks Zeeker for pointing that out.
I'm just happy she didn't lose to Maria Sharapova or some other lighter skinned tennis
player. The MSM would be salivating at the mouth screaming,' WHITE PATRIARCHY!!!' And cue the
new NIKE ads.
It is all about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Once you become familiar with the disorder
and all of its behavioral implications all the questions are answered.
Foremost for the NPD afflicted is the need to try to satisfy the never satisfied ego.
Every action and behavior first must address the needy ego and only after taking that into
consideration can any of the rest of the motives be evaluated...
The psychological term "Gaslighting" comes from a 1944 Hollywood classic movie called Gaslight. Gaslighting
describes the abuse employed by a narcissist to instil in their victim's mind, an extreme anxiety
and confusion to the extent where they no longer have faith in their own powers of logic, reason
and judgement. These gaslighting techniques were adopted by central intelligence agencies in the
US and Europe as part of their psychological warfare methods, used primarily during torture or interrogation.
Gaslighting as an abuser's modus operandi, involves, specifically, the withholding of factual
information and its replacement with false or fictional information designed to confuse and disorientate.
This subtle and Machiavellian process eventually undermines the mental stability of its victims reducing
them to such a depth of insecurity and identity crisis that they become entirely dependent upon their
abuser for their sense of reality and even identity.
Gaslighting involves a step by step psychological process to manipulate and destabilize its victim.
It is built up over time and consists of repetitive information feeds that enter the victim's subconscious
over a period of time, until it is fully registered on the subconscious "hard disk" and cannot be
overridden by the conscious floppy disk. Put more simply, it is brainwashing.
" Overall, the main reason for gaslighting is to create a dynamic where the abuser has complete
control over their victim so that they are so weak that they are very easy to manipulate." ~
Alex Myles
Three Stages of Gaslighting
Stage One: The first stage depends upon trust in the integrity and unimpeachable intentions
of the abuser, a state of reliance that has been engendered by the abuser's artful self-promotion
and ingratiating propaganda. Once this trust is gained, the abuser will begin to subtly undermine
it, creating situations and environments where the victim will begin to doubt their own judgement.
Eventually the victim will rely entirely upon the abuser to alleviate their uncertainty and to
restore their sense of reality which is in fact that of the abuser.
Stage Two: The second stage, defence, is a process by which the abuser isolates the
victim, not only from their own sense of identity but from the validation of their peers. They
are made to feel that their opinion is worthless, discredited, down-right weird. In political
circles they would be labelled a conspiracy theorist, a dissident, a terror apologist. As a consequence,
the victim will withdraw from society and cease to express themselves for fear of ridicule, judgement
or punishment.
This stage can also be compared to Stockholm Syndrome where a hostage or captive is reduced,by
psychological mind games, back to infantile dependency upon their captor. Narcissistic abuse bonds
the victim to the aggressor via trauma. Stockholm Syndrome bonds the victim to the aggressor via
regression to an infantile state where the abuser/aggressor becomes the "parent" who will rescue
the victim from imminent annihilation. Both methods tap into the victim's survival mechanisms
to gain and maintain control.
Stage Three: The final stage is depression. A life under the tyrannical rule of a narcissist
drives the victim into a state of extreme confusion. They are stripped of dignity & self-reliance.
They, ultimately exist in an information vacuum which is only filled by that which the abuser
deems suitable or relevant. This can eventually invoke symptoms of PTSD [Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder]. Flashbacks, constant apprehension, hyper vigilance, mind paralysis, rage and even violence.
The process is complete and the victim has been reduced to a willing accomplice in the abusers
creation of a very distorted reality.
Exceptionalism or Narcissism?
We are currently seeing the transformation of US exceptionalism into an abusive Narcissism .
"... A personality disorder characterized by grandiosity; an expectation that others will recognize one's superiority; a lack of empathy, lack of truthfulness, and the tendency to degrade others. ..."
"... Malignant narcissists not only see themselves as superior to others but believe in their superiority to the degree that they view others as relatively worthless, expendable, and justifiably exploitable. ..."
"... This type of narcissism is a defining characteristic of psychopathy/sociopathy and is rooted in an individual's deficient capacity for empathy. It's almost impossible for a person with such shallow feelings and such haughtiness to really care about others or to form a conscience with any of the qualities we typically associate with a humane attitude, which is why most researchers and thinkers on the topic of psychopathy think of psychopaths as individuals without a conscience altogether." ..."
"A personality disorder characterized by grandiosity; an expectation that others
will recognize one's superiority; a lack of empathy, lack of truthfulness, and
the tendency to degrade others."
"Narcissism becomes particularly malignant
(i.e. malevolent, dangerous, harmful, incurable) when it goes beyond mere vanity
and excessive self-focus. Malignant narcissists not only see themselves as superior
to others but believe in their superiority to the degree that they view others
as relatively worthless, expendable, and justifiably exploitable.
This type of narcissism is a defining characteristic of psychopathy/sociopathy
and is rooted in an individual's deficient capacity for empathy. It's almost
impossible for a person with such shallow feelings and such haughtiness to really
care about others or to form a conscience with any of the qualities we typically
associate with a humane attitude, which is why most researchers and thinkers
on the topic of psychopathy think of psychopaths as individuals without a conscience
altogether."
"There is nothing about the man that is service-oriented. He's only serving
himself."
BULLYING: (1.) Workplace. Cuts conflict over time and money down to
schoolyard scale. If one schoolchild 'bullies' another the injury is real but the two are formal
equals under the same coercive structure. Neither owns the other's means of survival.
Apply the metaphor to boss and worker, then, and the stakes of the conflict evaporate, or rather
stay in the hands that always held them. The cry of 'management bullying' reduces wholesale ownership
to bad personal behaviour, something to be corrected by the schoolteacher or the next authority up.
A plea for Help that counts as the surrender (usually by proxy) of the managed.
(2.) As extracurricular lesson. Actual schoolyard violence is 'bullying' when the perpetrator
fits the profile for Multi-Agency Intervention better than the target. In the opposite case, counsellors
and Restorative Justice practitioners may declare the ordeal a lesson in Life Skills for the injured
party. A salutary warning that s/he must either curb a too-sharp tongue or be unemployable as well
as regularly beaten up in years to come.
"... Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems. ..."
"... Kids who bully use their power-such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity-to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people. ..."
"... The set of behaviors definition given is not age dependent. The definition may have been provided to provide a basis for recognizing and determining a set of behaviors that may be defined as bullying, but says nothing about age levels. It's a description of a set of human behaviors being applied to a particular age group for the sake of defining a particular basis of illegal behavior. ..."
Below is the definition of bullying from
stopbullying.gov. (US Department of Health & Human Services)
Bullying
is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power
imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who
are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.
In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:
An Imbalance of Power:Kids who bully use their power-such as physical strength, access to
embarrassing information, or popularity-to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change
over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more
than once.
Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone
physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.
Types of Bullying
There are three types of bullying:
Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
Teasing
Name-calling
Inappropriate sexual comments
Taunting
Threatening to cause harm
Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone's
reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public
Physical bullying involves hurting a person's body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
Hitting/kicking/pinching
Spitting
Tripping/pushing
Taking or breaking someone's things
Making mean or rude hand gestures
Jack, August 1, 2016 11:23 am
Warren,
That is a nonsensical reply. The set of behaviors definition given is not age dependent.
The definition may have been provided to provide a basis for recognizing and determining a set
of behaviors that may be defined as bullying, but says nothing about age levels. It's a
description of a set of human behaviors being applied to a particular age group for the sake
of defining a particular basis of illegal behavior.
Ed, Maybe bullying should be described as a high priority issue in our schools, but assigning
it to the number one spot may be a bit hyperbolic.
Edward Lambert, August 1, 2016 12:07 pm
Jack,
It is a very high priority. I went to a presentation by the local school superintendent. She
said bullying was the #1 priority by law. She has to drop anything and everything that she is
doing when a case of bullying presents itself by law. That is how serious the situation
became.
"... So, without further ado, Trump's quotable illustration of the hallmarks of NPD, defined according to DSM-IV as, "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy." The disorder is indicated by at least five of the following: ..."
Donald Trump was born in 1946. 34 years later, in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the American Psychiatric Association's hefty volume of mental disorder
classifications, the term "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" (NPD) first appeared as a diagnosable
disease – Trump would doubtless say it was created in his honor (characteristic #1 of NPD: An exaggerated
sense of self-importance). After all, the newly-minted personality disorder made its debut only nine
years after he took the helm of his father's company… and renamed it from Elizabeth Trump & Son to
The Trump Organization.
The most recent DSM, DSM-IV, is currently under extensive revision, with DSM-V scheduled for publication
sometime in 2013, and both its listed diseases and their definitions are undergoing extensive scrutiny
and contentious debate. On the chopping block are five of the ten or so so-called personality disorders,
including NPD. Among the reasons for the cut are the frequent overlap between disorders, the general
lack of stability of symptoms, and the range of those symptoms in reality, as compared to the either/or
approach of the manual (either you have a disorder or you don't). So, before NPD becomes a thing
of the past, at least in its current form, I thought we'd take a moment to reflect on some less than
artful choices – or the things that make Trump look like he just stepped out of the fourth edition,
symptom by symptom.
A caveat: I am obviously exaggerating, both Trump and narcissism. But debate on personality disorders,
classifications, diagnoses, and treatments is well worthwhile, and a colorful spokesperson never
hurts.
So, without further ado, Trump's quotable illustration of the hallmarks of NPD, defined according
to DSM-IV as, "A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration,
and lack of empathy." The disorder is indicated by at least five of the following:
1. An exaggerated sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects
to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
A sense of one's own importance, a grandiose feeling that one is alone responsible for any achievement
is a hallmark of the narcissist. Grandiosity is one of the central tenets of a narcissistic personality.
Narcissists tend to take credit for everything, as if no one else contributed to the end product.
Witness Trump's declaration that, "When people see the beautiful marble in Trump Tower, they usually
have no idea what I went through personally to achieve the end result. No one cares about the blood,
sweat, and tears that art or beauty require." What do you know: not only is Trump a developer and
an artistic visionary, but he seems to be a stellar architect and construction worker as well.
And history will agree (naturally). "Anyone who thinks my story is anywhere near over is sadly
mistaken," says Trump. Sadly, indeed.
2. Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
How many presidential runs does it take for the process to be defined as a preoccupation rather
than an occupation?
I'd leave it at that, except for the existence of this little gem: "My fingers are long and beautiful,
as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body." Not only all-powerful, but
all-beautiful, too. The man has it all.
3. Believes he is "special" and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other
special or high-status people (or institutions) To narcissists, the "little people" or anyone
beneath them (which is mostly everyone) don't matter. Trump's lambasting of Rosie O'Donnell is a
good case in point: "Rosie O'Donnell called me a snake oil salesman. And, you know, coming from Rosie,
that's pretty low because when you look at her and when you see the mind, the mind is weak. I don't
see it. I don't get it. I never understood – how does she even get on television?"
Clearly, Rosie lacks the power to understand the dazzling intellect that is Donald Trump. Trump
needs someone of equal status to appreciate his immensity. But it can't be Larry King, because as
he told King, "Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. It really is.
Has this been told to you before?"
4. Requires excessive admiration No matter the sincerity, as long as the praise comes frequently
and at a high enough volume. Says Trump, "All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously
or unconsciously. That's to be expected." Clearly. Admired, wherever he may go, even when he's talking
about himself in the third person, as in, "Love him or hate him, Trump is a man who is certain about
what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred. Women find his power almost as much of a turn-on
as his money."
As he puts it, "Nobody but a total masochist wants to be criticized."
5. Has a sense of entitlement The world owes the narcissist everything; he, in turn, owes
it nothing. I think Trump's attitude can be summed up with this approach to marriage: "I wish I'd
had a great marriage. See, my father was always very proud of me, but the one thing he got right
was that he had a great marriage. He was married for 64 years. One of my ex-wives once said to me,
'You have to work at a marriage.' And I said, 'That's the most ridiculous thing.'"
6. Selfishly takes advantage of others to achieve his own ends I don't have a quote for
this one, but perhaps we can talk to one of his ex-wives.
7. Lacks empathy Narcissists don't sympathize with the feelings of others. Who are these
"others," anyway? No one matters except for me. I won't recreate the Rosie rampage in full, but sentiments
like, "I'll sue her because it would be fun. I'd like to take some money out of her fat ass pockets,"
capture the spirit.
8. Is often envious of others or believes others to be envious of him Here, it seems like
Trump is dominated by the second sentiment, the expectation that everyone is envious of his success.
Everyone wants to be Trump. As he puts it, "The old rich may look down their noses at me, but I think
they kiss my ass."
9. Shows arrogant, haughty, patronizing, or contemptuous behaviors or attitudes Again,
other people don't matter. They can be treated like nothing, because who are we kidding – nothing
is the closest description of what they are.
Clients don't matter. As Trump puts it, "When I build something for somebody, I always add $50
million or $60 million onto the price. My guys come in, they say it's going to cost $75 million.
I say it's going to cost $125 million, and I build it for $100 million. Basically, I did a lousy
job. But they think I did a great job." Take them for the suckers they are; that's the ticket.
The media doesn't matter. According to Trump, "You know, it really doesn't matter what (the media)
write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass." The piece of ass doesn't matter,
either; any will do.
Other businesses don't matter. As Trump says, "If you want to buy something, it's obviously in
your best interest to convince the seller that what he's got isn't worth very much."
But it's ok. Trump doesn't have to be nice. After all, it's not like he wants to run for office
or anything: "I'm not running for office. I don't have to be politically correct. I don't have to
be a nice person. Like I watch some of these weak-kneed politicians, it's disgusting. I don't have
to be that way."
Too bad. We need a good candidate. Because according to Trump, "One of the key problems today
is that politics is such a disgrace. Good people don't go into government."
"... Narcissism is a defense mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a " False Self " which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is then used by the narcissist to garner narcissistic supply from his human environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention, both positive and negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense of self-worth. ..."
"... Many narcissists are over-achievers and ambitious. Some of them are even talented and skilled. But they are incapable of team work because they cannot tolerate setbacks. They are easily frustrated and demoralized and are unable to cope with disagreement and criticism. Though some narcissists have meteoric and inspiring careers, in the long-run, all of them find it difficult to maintain long-term professional achievements and the respect and appreciation of their peers. The narcissist's fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with his or her real accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap"). ..."
"... An important distinction is between cerebral and somatic narcissists. The cerebrals derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements and the somatics derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests". ..."
"... Subtly misrepresents facts and expediently and opportunistically shifts positions, views, opinions, and "ideals" (e.g., about campaign finance, re-districting). These flip-flops do not cause him overt distress and are ego-syntonic (he feels justified in acting this way). Alternatively, reuses to commit to a standpoint and, in the process, evidences a lack of empathy. ..."
"... Narcissism is regarded by many scholars to be an adaptative strategy ("healthy narcissism"). ..."
"... Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. The narcissist projects a False Self and manages all his social interactions through this concocted fictional construct. ..."
"... When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry at themselves for having they failed to see through the narcissist earlier on. ..."
"... The narcissist instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor. This depends on how the narcissist appraises the potential his converser has as a Narcissistic Supply Source. The narcissist flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her. ..."
"... In general, the narcissist always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most effective methods of exposing a narcissist is by trying to delve deeper. The narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades. The narcissist never admits to ignorance in any field yet, typically, he is ignorant of them all. It is surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the narcissist's self-proclaimed omniscience. ..."
"... In general, the narcissist is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can publicly dissect all aspects of the intimate life of a narcissist without repercussions, providing the discourse is not "emotionally tinted". ..."
Barack Obama appears to be
a narcissist . Granted, only
a qualified mental health diagnostician (which I am not) can determine whether someone suffers from
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and personal interviews. But, in
the absence of access to Barack Obama, one has to rely on his overt performance and on testimonies
by his closest, nearest and dearest.
Narcissistic leaders are nefarious and their effects pernicious. They are subtle, refined, socially-adept,
manipulative, possessed of thespian skills, and convincing. Both types equally lack empathy and are
ruthless and relentless or driven.
Perhaps it is time to require each candidate to high office in the USA to submit to a rigorous
physical and mental checkup with the results made public.
I. Upbringing and Childhood
Obama's early life was decidedly chaotic and replete with traumatic and mentally bruising dislocations.
Mixed-race marriages were even less common then. His parents went through a divorce when he was an
infant (two years old). Obama saw his father only once again, before he died in a car accident. Then,
his mother re-married and Obama had to relocate to
Indonesia : a foreign land with
a radically foreign culture, to be raised by a step-father. At the age of ten, he was whisked off
to live with his maternal (white) grandparents. He saw his mother only intermittently in the following
few years and then she vanished from his life in 1979. She died of cancer in 1995.
Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early childhood or early
adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial: the perpetrators could be dysfunctional
or absent parents, teachers, other adults, or peers.
II. Behavior Patterns
The narcissist:
Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills,
contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without
commensurate achievements);
Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence,
unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic
narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood
by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people
(or institutions);
Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation or, failing that, wishes
to be feared and to be notorious (
Narcissistic Supply
);
Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable
expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept
the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration.
Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about
him or her and are likely to act similarly;
Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible,
immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (
magical thinking ).
Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him
or her and unworthy.
Narcissism is a defense
mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a "
False Self "
which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is then used by the narcissist
to garner narcissistic supply from his human environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention,
both positive and negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense
of self-worth.
Perhaps the most immediately evident trait of patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) is their vulnerability to criticism and disagreement. Subject to negative input, real or imagined,
even to a mild rebuke, a constructive suggestion, or an offer to help, they feel injured, humiliated
and empty and they react with disdain (devaluation), rage, and defiance.
From my book "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited":
"To avoid such intolerable pain, some patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask their underlying
grandiosity . Dysthymic
and depressive disorders are common reactions to isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy."
Due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement,
and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply), narcissists are rarely able to maintain
functional and healthy interpersonal relationships.
Many narcissists are over-achievers and ambitious. Some of them are even talented and skilled.
But they are incapable of team work because they cannot tolerate setbacks. They are easily frustrated
and demoralized and are unable to cope with disagreement and criticism. Though some narcissists
have meteoric and inspiring careers, in the long-run, all of them find it difficult to maintain
long-term professional achievements and the respect and appreciation of their peers. The narcissist's
fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with
his or her real accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap").
An important distinction is between cerebral and somatic narcissists. The cerebrals derive
their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements and the somatics derive
their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic
or physical "conquests".
Another crucial division within the ranks of patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) is between the classic variety (those who meet five of the nine diagnostic criteria included
in the DSM), and the compensatory kind (their narcissism compensates for deep-set feelings of
inferiority and lack of self-worth).
Obama displays the following behaviors, which are among the hallmarks of pathological narcissism:
Subtly misrepresents facts and expediently and opportunistically shifts positions, views,
opinions, and "ideals" (e.g., about campaign finance, re-districting). These flip-flops do not
cause him overt distress and are ego-syntonic (he feels justified in acting this way). Alternatively,
reuses to commit to a standpoint and, in the process, evidences a lack of empathy.
Ignores data that conflict with his fantasy world, or with his inflated and grandiose self-image.
This has to do with magical thinking. Obama already sees himself as president because he is firmly
convinced that his dreams, thoughts, and wishes affect reality. Additionally, he denies the gap
between his fantasies and his modest or limited real-life achievements (for instance, in 12 years
of academic career, he hasn't published a single scholarly paper or book).
Feels that he is above the law, incl. and especially his own laws.
Talks about himself in the 3rd person singluar or uses the regal "we" and craves to be the
exclusive center of attention, even adulation
Have a messianic-cosmic vision of himself and his life and his "mission".
Sets ever more complex rules in a convoluted world of grandiose fantasies with its own language
(jargon)
Displays false modesty and unctuous "folksiness" but unable to sustain these behaviors (the
persona, or mask) for long. It slips and the true Obama is revealed: haughty, aloof, distant,
and disdainful of simple folk and their lives.
Sublimates aggression and holds grudges.
Behaves as an eternal adolescent (e.g., his choice of language, youthful image he projects,
demands indulgence and feels entitled to special treatment, even though his objective accomplishments
do not justify it).
III. Body Language
Many complain of the incredible deceptive powers of the narcissist. They find themselves involved
with narcissists (emotionally, in business, or otherwise) before they have a chance to discover their
true character. Shocked by the later revelation, they mourn their inability to separate from the
narcissist and their gullibility.
Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture. Even
an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated access to the record and to the person
examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone
suffers from a full fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder or merely possesses narcissistic traits,
a narcissistic style, a personality structure ("character"), or a narcissistic "overlay" superimposed
on another mental health problem.
Moreover, it is important to distinguish between traits and behavior patterns that are independent
of the patient's cultural-social context (i.e., which are inherent, or idiosyncratic) and reactive
patterns, or conformity to cultural and social morals and norms. Reactions to severe life crises
or circumstances are also often characterized by transient pathological narcissism, for instance
(Ronningstam and Gunderson, 1996). But such reactions do not a narcissist make.
When a person belongs to a society or culture that has often been described as narcissistic by
scholars (such as Theodore Millon) and social thinkers (e.g., Christopher Lasch) how much of his
behavior can be attributed to his milieu and which of his traits are really his?
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is rigorously defined in the DSM IV-TR with a set of strict
criteria and differential diagnoses.
Narcissism is regarded by many scholars to be an adaptative strategy ("healthy narcissism"). It
is considered pathological in the clinical sense only when it becomes a rigid personality structure
replete with a series of primitive defence mechanisms (such as splitting, projection, projective
identification, or intellectualization) and when it leads to dysfunctions in one or more areas of
the patient's life.
Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. The narcissist projects a False Self and manages
all his social interactions through this concocted fictional construct.
When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His victims are unable
to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry at themselves for
having they failed to see through the narcissist earlier on.
But the narcissist does emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals ("presenting symptoms") even in
a first or casual encounter. Compare the following list to Barack Obama's body language during his
public appearances.
These are:
"Haughty" body language. The narcissist adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an
air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused indifference, etc. Though the
narcissist usually maintains sustained and piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical
proximity (he is "territorial").
The narcissist takes part in social interactions, even mere banter, condescendingly, from a position
of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain
the "observer", or the "lone wolf".
Entitlement markers. The narcissist immediately asks for "special treatment" of some kind. Not
to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority
figures (and not to their assistants or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy
custom tailored arrangements – or to get served first.
The narcissist is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided attention of the
head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or latches on to celebrities in a party.
The narcissist reacts with rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated equally with
others whom he deems inferior.
Idealization or devaluation.The narcissist instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor.
This depends on how the narcissist appraises the potential his converser has as a Narcissistic Supply
Source. The narcissist flatters, adores, admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated
and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her.
Narcissists are polite only in the presence of a potential Supply Source. But they are unable
to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to
verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
The "membership" posture. The narcissist always tries to "belong". Yet, at the very same time,
he maintains his stance as an outsider. The narcissist seeks to be admired for his ability to integrate
and ingratiate himself without investing the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
For instance: if the narcissist talks to a psychologist, the narcissist first states emphatically
that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make seemingly effortless use of obscure professional
terms, thus demonstrating that he mastered the discipline all the same, as an autodidact, which proves
that he is exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
In general, the narcissist always prefers show-off to substance. One of the most effective methods
of exposing a narcissist is by trying to delve deeper. The narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending
to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades. The narcissist
never admits to ignorance in any field yet, typically, he is ignorant of them all. It is surprisingly
easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the narcissist's self-proclaimed omniscience.
Bragging and false autobiography. The narcissist brags incessantly. His speech is peppered with
"I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive,
or creative but always excessively, implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
The narcissist's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements incommensurate
with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is evidently and demonstrably incompatible
with his claims. Very often, the narcissist lies or his fantasies are easily discernible. He always
name-drops and appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments.
Emotion-free language. The narcissist likes to talk about himself and only about himself. He is
not interested in others or what they have to say, unless they constitute potential Sources of Supply
and in order to obtain said supply. He acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels that they
are intruding on his precious time and, thus, abusing him.
In general, the narcissist is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits unless
and until he is the topic of discussion. One can publicly dissect all aspects of the intimate life
of a narcissist without repercussions, providing the discourse is not "emotionally tinted".
If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the narcissist intellectualizes, rationalizes, speaks
about himself in the third person and in a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with
a fictitious character in it, suspiciously autobiographical. Narcissists like to refer to themselves
in mechanical terms, as efficient automata or machines.
Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion. The narcissist is dead serious about himself.
He may possess a subtle, wry, and riotous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but rarely is he
self-deprecating. The narcissist regards himself as being on a constant mission, whose importance
is cosmic and whose consequences are global. If a scientist, he is always in the throes of revolutionizing
science. If a journalist, he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If a novelist, he is on
his way to a Booker or Nobel prize.
This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement. The narcissist
is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted
by him as belittling, intruding, or coercive. His time is more valuable than others' therefore, it
cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as mere banter or going out for a walk.
Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the narcissist as intentional
humiliation, implying that the narcissist is in need of help and counsel and, thus, imperfect and
less than omnipotent. Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the narcissist, an intimidating act of
enslavement. In this sense, the narcissist is both schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas
of reference.
These, the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the constricted
sense of humor, the unequal treatment and the paranoia render the narcissist a social misfit. The
narcissist is able to provoke in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist,
the strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation and consternation,
he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression.
He is perceived to be asocial at best and, often, antisocial. This, perhaps, is the strongest
presenting symptom. One feels ill at ease in the presence of a narcissist for no apparent reason.
No matter how charming, intelligent, thought provoking, outgoing, easy going and social the narcissist
is – he fails to secure the sympathy of others, a sympathy he is never ready, willing, or able to
reciprocate.
IV. Narcissistic and psychopathic Leaders
The narcissistic or psychopathic leader is the culmination and reification of his period, culture,
and civilization. He is likely to rise to prominence in narcissistic societies.
The malignant narcissist invents and then projects a false, fictitious, self for the world to
fear, or to admire. He maintains a tenuous grasp on reality to start with and this is further exacerbated
by the trappings of power. The narcissist's grandiose self-delusions and fantasies of omnipotence
and omniscience are supported by real life authority and the narcissist's predilection to surround
himself with obsequious sycophants.
The narcissist's personality is so precariously balanced that he cannot tolerate even a hint of
criticism and disagreement. Most narcissists are paranoid and suffer from ideas of reference (the
delusion that they are being mocked or discussed when they are not). Thus, narcissists often regard
themselves as "victims of persecution".
The narcissistic leader fosters and encourages a personality cult with all the hallmarks of an
institutional religion: priesthood, rites, rituals, temples, worship, catechism, mythology. The leader
is this religion's ascetic saint. He monastically denies himself earthly pleasures (or so he claims)
in order to be able to dedicate himself fully to his calling.
The narcissistic leader is a monstrously inverted Jesus, sacrificing his life and denying himself
so that his people – or humanity at large – should benefit. By surpassing and suppressing his humanity,
the narcissistic leader became a distorted version of Nietzsche's "superman".
But being a-human or super-human also means being a-sexual and a-moral.
In this restricted sense, narcissistic leaders are post-modernist and moral relativists. They
project to the masses an androgynous figure and enhance it by engendering the adoration of nudity
and all things "natural" – or by strongly repressing these feelings. But what they refer to as "nature"
is not natural at all.
The narcissistic leader invariably proffers an aesthetic of decadence and evil carefully orchestrated
and artificial – though it is not perceived this way by him or by his followers. Narcissistic leadership
is about reproduced copies, not about originals. It is about the manipulation of symbols – not about
veritable atavism or true conservatism.
In short: narcissistic leadership is about theatre, not about life. To enjoy the spectacle (and
be subsumed by it), the leader demands the suspension of judgment, depersonalization, and de-realization.
Catharsis is tantamount, in this narcissistic dramaturgy, to self-annulment.
Narcissism is nihilistic not only operationally, or ideologically. Its very language and narratives
are nihilistic. Narcissism is conspicuous nihilism – and the cult's leader serves as a role model,
annihilating the Man, only to re-appear as a pre-ordained and irresistible force of nature.
Narcissistic leadership often poses as a rebellion against the "old ways" – against the hegemonic
culture, the upper classes, the established religions, the superpowers, the corrupt order. Narcissistic
movements are puerile, a reaction to narcissistic injuries inflicted upon a narcissistic (and rather
psychopathic) toddler nation-state, or group, or upon the leader.
Minorities or "others" – often arbitrarily selected – constitute a perfect, easily identifiable,
embodiment of all that is "wrong". They are accused of being old, they are eerily disembodied, they
are cosmopolitan, they are part of the establishment, they are "decadent", they are hated on religious
and socio-economic grounds, or because of their race, sexual orientation, origin … They are different,
they are narcissistic (feel and act as morally superior), they are everywhere, they are defenceless,
they are credulous, they are adaptable (and thus can be co-opted to collaborate in their own destruction).
They are the perfect hate figure. Narcissists thrive on hatred and pathological envy.
This is precisely the source of the fascination with Hitler, diagnosed by Erich Fromm – together
with Stalin – as a malignant narcissist. He was an inverted human. His unconscious was his conscious.
He acted out our most repressed drives, fantasies, and wishes. He provides us with a glimpse of the
horrors that lie beneath the veneer, the barbarians at our personal gates, and what it was like before
we invented civilization. Hitler forced us all through a time warp and many did not emerge. He was
not the devil. He was one of us. He was what Arendt aptly called the banality of evil. Just an ordinary,
mentally disturbed, failure, a member of a mentally disturbed and failing nation, who lived through
disturbed and failing times. He was the perfect mirror, a channel, a voice, and the very depth of
our souls.
The narcissistic leader prefers the sparkle and glamour of well-orchestrated illusions to the
tedium and method of real accomplishments. His reign is all smoke and mirrors, devoid of substances,
consisting of mere appearances and mass delusions. In the aftermath of his regime – the narcissistic
leader having died, been deposed, or voted out of office – it all unravels. The tireless and constant
prestidigitation ceases and the entire edifice crumbles. What looked like an economic miracle turns
out to have been a fraud-laced bubble. Loosely-held empires disintegrate. Laboriously assembled business
conglomerates go to pieces. "Earth shattering" and "revolutionary" scientific discoveries and theories
are discredited. Social experiments end in mayhem.
It is important to understand that the use of violence must be ego-syntonic. It must accord with
the self-image of the narcissist. It must abet and sustain his grandiose fantasies and feed his sense
of entitlement. It must conform with the narcissistic narrative.
Thus, a narcissist who regards himself as the benefactor of the poor, a member of the common folk,
the representative of the disenfranchised, the champion of the dispossessed against the corrupt elite
– is highly unlikely to use violence at first.
The pacific mask crumbles when the narcissist has become convinced that the very people he purported
to speak for, his constituency, his grassroots fans, the prime sources of his narcissistic supply
– have turned against him. At first, in a desperate effort to maintain the fiction underlying his
chaotic personality, the narcissist strives to explain away the sudden reversal of sentiment. "The
people are being duped by (the media, big industry, the military, the elite, etc.)", "they don't
really know what they are doing", "following a rude awakening, they will revert to form", etc.
When these flimsy attempts to patch a tattered personal mythology fail – the narcissist is injured.
Narcissistic injury inevitably leads to narcissistic rage and to a terrifying display of unbridled
aggression. The pent-up frustration and hurt translate into devaluation. That which was previously
idealized – is now discarded with contempt and hatred.
This primitive defense mechanism is called "splitting". To the narcissist, things and people are
either entirely bad (evil) or entirely good. He projects onto others his own shortcomings and negative
emotions, thus becoming a totally good object. A narcissistic leader is likely to justify the butchering
of his own people by claiming that they intended to kill him, undo the revolution, devastate the
economy, or the country, etc.
The "small people", the "rank and file", the "loyal soldiers" of the narcissist – his flock, his
nation, his employees – they pay the price. The disillusionment and disenchantment are agonizing.
The process of reconstruction, of rising from the ashes, of overcoming the trauma of having been
deceived, exploited and manipulated – is drawn-out. It is difficult to trust again, to have faith,
to love, to be led, to collaborate. Feelings of shame and guilt engulf the erstwhile followers of
the narcissist. This is his sole legacy: a massive post-traumatic stress disorder.
DISCLAIMER
I am not a mental health professional. Still, I have dedicated the last 12 years to the study
of personality disorders in general and the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) in particular.
I have authored nine (9) books about these topics, one of which is a Barnes and Noble best-seller
("Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"). My work is widely cited in scholarly tomes and publications
and in the media. My books and the content of my Web site are based on correspondence since 1996
with hundreds of people suffering from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (narcissists) and with
thousands of their family members, friends, therapists, and colleagues.
"... the narcissist is someone who has "buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory false self." ..."
"... In our highly individualistic and externally driven society, mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only pervasive but often encouraged. ..."
"... It is more accurate to characterize the pathological narcissist as someone who's in love with an idealized self-image , which they project in order to avoid feeling (and being seen as) the real, disenfranchised, wounded self. Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the "ugly duckling," even if they painfully don't want to admit it. ..."
"... Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions. ..."
"... "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others" - Paramhansa Yogananda ..."
"... Making decisions for others to suit one's own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend, or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized dreams , or cover up self-perceived inadequacies and flaws. ..."
Be on the lookout for these, before you get manipulated.
"That's enough of me talking about myself; let's hear you talk about me"
― Anonymous
"It's not easy being superior to everyone I know."
― Anonymous
Psychologist Stephen Johnson writes that the narcissist is someone who has "buried his true
self-expression in response to early injuries and replaced it with a highly developed, compensatory
false self." This alternate persona to the real self often comes across as grandiose, "above
others," self-absorbed, and highly conceited. In our highly individualistic and externally driven
society, mild to severe forms of narcissism are not only pervasive but often encouraged.
Narcissism is often interpreted in popular culture as a person who's in
love with him
or herself. It is more accurate to characterize the pathological narcissist as someone who's
in love with an idealized
self-image , which
they project in order to avoid feeling (and being seen as) the real, disenfranchised, wounded self.
Deep down, most pathological narcissists feel like the "ugly duckling," even if they painfully don't
want to admit it.
How do you know when you're dealing with a narcissist? The following are some telltale signs,
excerpted from my book (click on title): "
How to Successfully Handle Narcissists
(link is external) ". While most of us are
guilty of some of the
following behaviors at one time or another, a pathological narcissist tends to dwell habitually in
several of the following personas, while remaining largely unaware of (or unconcerned with) how his
or her actions affect others.
1. Conversation Hoarder . The narcissist loves to talk about him or herself,
and doesn't give you a chance to take part in a two-way conversation. You struggle to have your views
and feelings heard. When you do get a word in, if it's not in agreement with the narcissist, your
comments are likely to be corrected, dismissed, or ignored. As in: "My father's favorite responses
to my views were: 'but…,' 'actually…,' and 'there's more to it than this…' He always has to feel
like he knows better." ― Anonymous
2. Conversation Interrupter. While many people have the poor communication habit
of interrupting others, the narcissist interrupts and quickly switches the focus back to herself.
He shows little genuine interest in you.
3. Rule Breaker. The narcissist enjoys getting away with violating rules and
social norms, such as cutting in line, chronic under-tipping, stealing office supplies, breaking
multiple appointments, or disobeying traffic laws. As in: "I take pride in persuading people to give
me exceptions to their rules" ― Anonymous
4. Boundary Violator. Shows wanton disregard for other people's thoughts, feelings,
possessions, and physical space. Oversteps and uses others without consideration or sensitivity.
Borrows items or money without returning. Breaks promises and obligations repeatedly. Shows little
remorse and blames the victim for one's own lack of respect. As in: "It's your fault that I forgot
because you didn't remind me"― Anonymous
5. False Image Projection. Many narcissists like to do things to impress others
by making themselves look good externally. This "trophy" complex can exhibit itself physically, romantically,
sexually, socially, religiously, financially, materially, professionally, academically, or culturally.
In these situations, the narcissist uses people, objects, status, and/or accomplishments to represent
the self, substituting for the perceived, inadequate "real" self. These grandstanding "merit badges"
are often exaggerated. The underlying message of this type of display is: "I'm better than you!"
or "Look at how special I am-I'm worthy of everyone's love, admiration, and acceptance!" as in: "I
dyed my hair blond and enlarged my breasts to get men's attention-and to make other women
jealous " - Anonymous.
Or "My accomplishments are everything" ― Anonymous executive Or "I never want to be looked upon as
poor. My fiancé and I each drive a Mercedes. The best man at our upcoming wedding also drives a Mercedes."
― Anonymous.
In a big way, these external symbols become pivotal parts of the narcissist's false identity,
replacing the real and injured self.
6. Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others.
They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return.
In their mindset, the world revolves around them.
7. Charmer. Narcissists can be very
charismatic and persuasive.
When they're interested in you (for their own gratification), they make you feel very special and
wanted. However, once they lose interest in you (most likely after they've gotten what they want,
or became bored), they may drop you without a second thought. A narcissist can be very engaging and
sociable, as long as you're fulfilling what she desires, and giving her all of your attention.
8. Grandiose Personality. Thinking of oneself as a hero or heroine, a prince
or princess, or one of a kind special person. Some narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self-importance,
believing that others cannot live or survive without his or her magnificent contributions. As
in: "I'm looking for a man who will treat my daughter and me like princesses" ― Anonymous
singles ad. Or: "Once again I saved the day-without me, they're nothing" ― Anonymous
9. Negative Emotions. Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative
emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily
upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree
with their views, or fail to meet their expectations. They are extremely sensitive to criticism,
and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand,
narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you. Some narcissists are emotionally
abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves.
As in: "Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others" - Paramhansa Yogananda
10. Manipulation: Using Others as an Extension of Self. Making decisions
for others to suit one's own needs. The narcissist may use his or her romantic partner, child, friend,
or colleague to meet unreasonable self-serving needs, fulfill unrealized
dreams , or cover up
self-perceived inadequacies and flaws. As in: "If my son doesn't grow up to be a professional
baseball player, I'll disown him" ― Anonymous father. Or: "Aren't you beautiful? Aren't you beautiful?
You're going to be just as pretty as mommy" ― Anonymous mother
Another way narcissists manipulate is through guilt, such as proclaiming, "I've given you so much,
and you're so ungrateful," or, "I'm a victim-you must help me or you're not a good person." They
hijack your emotions, and beguile you to make unreasonable sacrifices.
If you find yourself in a relationship with a difficult narcissist, there are many strategies
and skills you can utilize to help restore
health , balance, and
respect. In my book (click on title): "
How to Successfully Handle Narcissists
(link is external) ," you'll learn how to maintain composure, ways to be proactive instead of
reactive, seven powerful strategies to handle narcissists, eight ways to say "no" diplomatically
but firmly, keys to negotiate successfully with narcissists, and seven types of power you can utilize
to compel cooperation
.
For more on dealing with difficult people, see my publications (click on titles):
That is what a relationship with a narcissist is like. In the beginning there's flash and excitement.
Their presence is magnetic and he or she seems larger than life. They are intelligent, charming,
and popular, and when they're the center of attention, some of the spotlight shines on you, too,
leaving you glowing with pride, importance, and accomplishment. Yet after a while, you discover
that under the surface the relationship is hollow. Soon, the excitement and status wear thin.
This is because a true narcissist lacks inner qualities necessary for a healthy bond: empathic
perspective-taking, a moral conscience, stable confidence, and the ability to be intimate and
genuine with another human being. Being in a relationship with a narcissist (especially if you
don't realize they are one) can leave you feeling worthless, emotionally exhausted, and unfulfilled.
So how can you know if you are in this kind of "hollow chocolate bunny" relationship before
it crashes and burns in heartache? Do you have to wait until your relationship sours to find out?
Not necessarily. Spotting the signs early means being able to avoid getting entangled in a narcissist's
web, and could spare you from doing the challenging, messy work of digging yourself out later.
Here's a few signs to look for in your partner, which may signal that the person you are dating
has narcissistic tendencies, and the negative effects those behaviors can have on you:
1. He poses as "The Most Interesting Man in the World."
A narcissist may initially intrigue you with his or her apparent confidence, swagger, or audacity,
regaling you with stories about accomplishments, rubbing elbows with influential people, or their
innumerable talents and gifts. He or she may seem fun and magnetic, always the center of attention
and the life of the party, but this may actually be a facade - a ploy to satisfy the narcissist's
pathological need for praise and reassurance. You may come to find out that the stories are exaggerated
(or altogether false), their confidence is artificial and fragile, and his or her need for attention
may trump good judgment or others' needs.
2. You feel talked down to.
Because narcissists deeply lack self-esteem, almost everything else in their lives is orchestrated
to hide their weaknesses and give them a temporary sense of power and success. This can take the
form of subtle insults that cause you to question your worth, such as a dismissive sneer when
you make an observation, a condescending "that's nice" when you share an accomplishment you're
proud of, or demeaning comments about your behavior or appearance.
When you look to a partner who is a narcissist, it can feel like you're looking into a funhouse
mirror and getting back a distorted view of yourself. Your flaws seem to be highlighted and your
strengths diminished - a careful ruse constructed to ensure the narcissist holds themselves in
a more flattering light.
3. She acts like the victim.
Narcissism also is characterized by extreme self-centeredness. Anything that is outside the
narcissist's experience or that contradicts his or her beliefs is wrong, foolish, or crazy. For
this reason, a conflict with a narcissist is almost certain to end with all the blame being directed
to you. This, combined with the funhouse mirror effect, can make even minor arguments emotionally
exhausting.
Nothing you say can convince the narcissist that you're not making intentional and irrational
attacks against him or her. In the narcissist's eyes, you're somehow responsible for their sadness,
anger, or even immoral behavior.
4. Your relationship feels one-sided and shallow.
When it's time to move from casual to committed, this is where the "hollow chocolate bunny"
effect of narcissism really shows through. A relationship with a narcissist is unlikely ever to
reach greater depths of sharing, emotion, and intimacy.
A narcissist is likely to spend time with you when it suits his or her emotional, physical,
or sexual needs, and dismiss or ignore your needs, desires, and preferences. Your time together
is likely to be marked by a lack of genuine interest in anything other than him- or herself. For
example, you could get late-night calls when he or she is distraught, excited, or wants something
but similar calls from you may not even be answered. Attempts to share your deeper thoughts, beliefs,
or feelings may be given lip service, ignored, or dismissed.
If these seem to describe your current relationship, don't panic. In fact, seize the opportunity
to reflect and evaluate your twosome. These red flags may help shed light on the dysfunction you're
bearing and guide you away from further pain. If you want to make things work, there are ways
to cope with dating or living with a narcissist, including developing conflict-resolution skills
and bolstering your own confidence and self-esteem to shield you against narcissistic attacks.
Ultimately, knowledge is power. Being aware of signs of narcissism (and some of the problems
that can arise from dating a narcissist) allows you to be prepared and to make informed decisions
about the relationship.
It's easy to fall for a narcissist: they're charming, polished and quick to get in your good graces
with compliments and constant attention. Once you ...
There are definitely fairy tale stories out there of two people falling madly in love with each
other right at the get go and spending their lives happily ever after, but that is generally not
the norm. Keep your guard up the more intensely the person is into you and the earlier on it occurs.
A narcissist can seem to love you. A narcissist can make it look like love. A narcissist can say
the words of love. A narcissist can think it's love. Unfortunately, when involved with a narcissist,
you are enmeshed but not in love. You can be enmeshed and mistake that for love. But enmeshment and
love are not the same thing.
If you've tried a more loving approach to sharing what hurts in your relationship, and the narcissist
in your life still won't soften, you truly have done everything you can.
As a therapist, I've seen firsthand that changing relational patterns often transforms even the
most inflexible "trait" into something softer, gentler -- not a fixed feature, but a protection that
eventually yields to touch and intimacy in all the ways one would hope.
The most glaring problems are easy to spot -- but if you get too hung up on the obvious traits,
you can easily miss the subtle (and often more common) features that allow a narcissist to sneak
into your life and wreak havoc.
1. "Common to malignant narcissism is
narcissistic rage .
Narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury (when the narcissist feels degraded by another
person, typically in the form of
criticism
)."
2. "When the narcissist's grandiose sense of self-worth is perceived as being attacked by another
person, the narcissist's natural reaction is to rage and pull down the self-worth of others (to make
the narcissist feel superior to others). It is an attempt by the narcissist to soothe their internal
pain and hostility, while at the same time rebuilding their self worth."
3. "Narcissistic rage also occurs when the narcissist perceives that he/she is being prevented from
accomplishing their grandiose fantasies."
4. "Because the narcissist derives pleasure from the fulfillment of their grandiose dreams (akin
to an addiction), anyone standing between the narcissist and their (wish) fulfillment ... may be
subject to narcissistic rage. Narcissistic rage will frequently include yelling and berating of the
person that has slighted the narcissist, but if strong enough could provoke more hostile feelings."
5. "Individuals with malignant narcissism will display a
two faced personality. Creation
of a 'false self' is linked to the narcissist's fear of being inadequate or
inferior to others
and this mask becomes ingrained into their personality so as to project a sense of superiority to
others at all times."
6. "The narcissist gains a sense of esteem from the feedback of other people as it is common for
the malignant narcissist to suffer from extremely low levels of self-esteem."
7. "The ... false self of the malignant narcissist is created because the real self doesn't meet
his or her own expectations. Instead, the narcissist tends to mimic emotional displays of other people
and creates a grandiose self to harbor their internalized fantasies of greatness."
8. "The [false self] is used by the narcissist to present to the outside world what appears to be
a normal, functioning human being and to help maintain his or her own fantasies of an idealized self.
The narcissist constantly builds upon this false self, creating a fictional character that is used
to show off to the world and to help them feed off the emotions of other people."
There's ongoing debate about "malignant narcissism" as a diagnosis, and some people prefer to use
the standard
DSM-IV version
. It doesn't make much difference in this case.
... ... ...
It's possible that Obama may be a
"fanatic type" of narcissist.
That could mean a world of trouble for the Democrats, for the nation, and given his position in the
world, for other countries as well.
Here is Theodore Millon's definition of the fanatic type:
fanatic type - including
paranoid
features. A severely narcissistically wounded individual, usually with major paranoid tendencies
who holds onto an illusion of omnipotence. These people are fighting the reality of their insignificance
and lost value and are trying to re-establish their self-esteem through grandiose fantasies and
self-reinforcement. When unable to gain recognition of support from others, they take on the role
of a heroic or worshipped person with a grandiose mission.
"... Trait labels like narcissist, or the admittedly less stigmatizing ones like extrovert and introvert, merely provide a shorthand description. They're a stand-in for "this person scored high on a trait measure of narcissism or extroversion or introversion." They can never hope to capture the whole person. ..."
"... For more by Dr. Craig Malkin, click here . ..."
"... For more on emotional intelligence, click here . ..."
The author is a Clinical Psychologist,
Lecturer Harvard Medical School
At the end of May 2013, I wrote
an article titled "5 Early Warning Signs You're With a Narcissist." It sparked a number of rich
conversations through comments, emails,
Facebook and
Twitter . Not surprisingly, the vast
majority of reactions came from people who feared they were currently in a relationship with a narcissist.
Nevertheless, some of them - often among the most heartfelt and desperate of messages - came from
people who'd either been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), or felt convinced
they met criteria for the diagnosis. From both sides, the same question surfaced again and again:
Is there hope for those with NPD and the people who love them? Is there anything we can do if we
see early warning signs or actual diagnostic criteria besides end the relationship? As simple as
they might seem on the surface, questions like these resonate with some of the deepest concerns in
psychology. Can we change our personalities? More to the point, can people who meet criteria for
personality disorders open themselves up to new and better experiences in relationships and in the
world? I'm going to go on record as saying, yes, I do believe it's possible for people to change,
even if they've been diagnosed with something as deeply entrenched and formidable as a personality
disorder.
Trait labels like narcissist, or the admittedly less stigmatizing ones like extrovert and
introvert, merely provide a shorthand description. They're a stand-in for "this person scored high
on a trait measure of narcissism or extroversion or introversion." They can never hope to capture
the whole person. (Bear in mind that even Jung, who introduced the latter concepts,
firmly believed we all possess both an introvert and an extrovert side , regardless of
how much we tend to one side or the other.) Nevertheless, when they become diagnostic labels, like
"narcissist" or "Narcissistic Personality Disorder," these stark descriptions imply something that
goes far beyond a tendency or a style - they suggest permanence and a set of stable enduring features.
I have more hope than this. I believe that rather than simply being "who we are," our personalities
are also patterns of interaction. That is, personality, whether disordered or not , has as
much to do with how (and with whom) we interact as it does with our genes and wired-in temperament.
So what pattern does the narcissist follow?
Many have suggested that NPD emerges from an environment in which vulnerability comes to feel
dangerous, representing, at worst, either a grave defect, or at best, a stubborn barrier to becoming
a worthwhile human being - that's simplifying a great deal of research and theory, but it's a workable
summary - hence the correlation between NPD and
insecure attachment styles , in which fears of depending on anyone at all engender constant attempts
to control the relationship or avoid intimacy altogether. If you devote yourself to directing interactions
or holding people at arms length, it's a lot harder to become vulnerable (needless to say, the "safety"
is largely an illusion). People with NPD have learned to ignore, suppress, deny, project and disavow
their vulnerabilities (or at least try) in their attempts to shape and reshape "who they are" in
their interactions. Change - allowing the vulnerability back in - means opening up to the very feelings
they've learned to avoid at all costs. It's not that people with NPD can't change, it's that it often
threatens their sense of personhood to try. And their failed relationships often confirm, in their
minds, that narcissism is the safest way to live. Put another way, narcissists can't be narcissistic
in a vacuum. They need the right audience in order to feel like a star, for example, so they often
cultivate relationships with people who stick around for the show, instead of the person. Over time,
as their perfect façade starts to slip, their constant fear that people will find them lacking becomes
a horrifying reality. The very people who stuck around for the show lose interest when it ends -
which merely convinces the narcissist they need to hide their flaws and put on a better show. Alternatively,
even when they fall for someone who could be more than just an adoring fan - someone who offers the
hope of a more authentic, enduring love - narcissists still live with the paralyzing fear they'll
somehow be deemed unworthy. Their terror is frequently out of awareness, and nearly always managed
with bravado and blame, but it's profound and palpable. Sadly, their anger at having their mistakes
and missteps exposed ultimately alienates their loved ones, and the demise of yet another relationship
prompts them to redouble their efforts to avoid vulnerability - in short, it pushes them towards
more narcissism.
The sad irony of the narcissistic condition is that, in an effort to protect themselves,
narcissists inevitably invite the very rejection and abandonment they fear in the first place. The
key then, to interacting with someone you suspect is narcissistic, is to break the vicious circle
- to gently thwart their frantic efforts to control, distance, defend or blame in the relationship
by sending the message that you're more than willing to connect with them, but not on these terms
- to invite them into a version of intimacy where they can be loved and admired, warts and all -
if they only allow the experience to happen. As a therapist, I've seen firsthand that changing relational
patterns often transforms even the most inflexible "trait" into something softer, gentler - not a
fixed feature, but a protection that eventually yields to touch and intimacy in all the ways one
would hope. Narcissism is a way of relating. Not everyone can shift into a more flexible form of
intimacy, but some can, and in the next post, I plan to share steps you can take to help you decide
whether or not the person you're with is capable of seeing themselves - and you - through a less-constricting
lens than the narcissistic worldview. If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond
to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more
tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress .
For more by Dr. Craig Malkin, click
here . For
more on emotional intelligence,
click here
.
"... Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've reached the boiling point - even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade. ..."
"... If you like my posts, let me know! Let's connect on facebook and twitter. I frequently respond to comments and questions there. And feel free to check out www.drcraigmalkin.com for more tips and advice, as well as information on my book in progress . ..."
"... For more by Dr. Craig Malkin, click here . ..."
Dr. Craig Malkin , Author, Clinical
Psychologist, Lecturer Harvard Medical School
At the beginning of April this year, I was tapped by the Huffington Post Live team for a
discussion on narcissism . I happily agreed to appear, for a number of reasons, not the least
of which is that narcissism happens to be one of my favorite subjects. Early in my training, I had
the pleasure of working with one of the foremost authorities on narcissism in our field, and in part
because of that experience, I went on to work with quite a few clients who'd been diagnosed with
narcissistic personality disorder . That's where I learned that the formal diagnostic label hardly
does justice to the richness and complexity of this condition. The most glaring problems are easy
to spot - the apparent absence of even a shred of empathy, the grandiose plans and posturing, the
rage at being called out on the slightest of imperfections or normal human missteps - but if you
get too hung up on the obvious traits, you can easily miss the subtle (and often more common) features
that allow a narcissist to sneak into your life and wreak havoc. Just ask
Tina Swithin , who went
on to write a book
about surviving her experience with a man who clearly meets criteria for NPD (and very likely,
a few other diagnoses). To her lovestruck eyes, her soon-to-be husband seemed more like a prince
charming than the callous, deceitful spendthrift he later proved to be. Looking back, Tina explains,
there were signs of trouble from the start, but they were far from obvious at the time. In real life,
the most dangerous villains rarely advertise their malevolence. So what are we to do? How do we protect
ourselves from narcissists if they're so adept at slipping into our lives unnoticed? I shared some
of my answers to that question in our conversation, and I encourage you to watch it. But there were
a few I didn't get to, and others I didn't have the chance to describe in depth, so I thought I'd
take the opportunity to revisit the topic here. Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse of any of
these subtler signs:
1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don't mean that narcissists
see insecurity everywhere. I'm talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin
to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle
or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It's as if they're
saying, "I don't want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings." Picture the
boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who
frequently claims not to understand what you've said, even when you've been perfectly clear, or the
friend who always damns you with faint praise ("Pretty good job this time!"). Remember the saying:
"Don't knock your neighbor's porch light out to make yours shine brighter." Well, the narcissist
loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.
2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings
are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal
interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you
can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure.
Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect
autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something
outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and
as quick as they might be to anger, it's often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they've
reached the boiling point - even when they're in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.
3) A
Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are
notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see
here and
here ). But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also
gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can't talk coherently about their family
and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists
often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common
myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted
family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the
details, as they say - and very likely, that's why you're not hearing them.
4) Idol Worship:
Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting
people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: "If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe
some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I'll become perfect by association." The fact that
no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist - at least until they discover,
as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences
can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure
to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might
feel.
5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject
of feelings, they can't stand to be at the mercy of other people's preferences; it reminds them that
they aren't invulnerable or completely independent - that, in fact, they might have to ask
for what they want - and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express
needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the
outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think
of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn't ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely
because at that very moment, he's forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something
he'd rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler
than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching
certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits
without expressing any anger at all - a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans,
chronic lateness whenever you're in charge of arranging a night together. It's more like a war of
attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom. None of these signs, in isolation,
proves that you're with a narcissist. But if you see a lot of them, it's best to sit up and take
notice. They're all way of dodging vulnerability, and that's a narcissist's favorite tactic.
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"... As Dr. Robert Klitzman, a professor of psychiatry and the director of the master's of bioethics program at Columbia University, pointed out, the American Psychiatric Association declares it unethical for psychiatrists to comment on an individual's mental state without examining him personally and having the patient's consent to make such comments. ..."
"... To degrade people is really part of a cluster-B personality disorder: it's antisocial and shows a lack of remorse for other people. The way to make it O.K. to attack someone verbally, psychologically, or physically is to lower them. That's what he's doing. ..."
"... Narcissists are not necessarily liars, but they are notoriously uncomfortable with the truth. The truth means the potential to feel ashamed. If all they have to show the world as a source of feeling acceptable is their success and performance, be it in business or sports or celebrity, then the risk of people seeing them fail or squander their success is so difficult to their self-esteem that they feel ashamed. We call it the narcissistic injury. They're uncomfortable with their own limitations. It's not that they're cut out to lie, it's just that they can't handle what's real ..."
"... Most narcissists don't seek treatment unless there's someone threatening to take something away from them. There'd have to be some kind of meaningful consequence for him to come in. ..."
"... They're aware; the problem is, they don't care. They know how you'd like them to act; the problem is, they've got a different set of rules. The kind of approach that can have some impact is confrontational. It confronts distorted thinking and behavior patterns in the here-and-now moment when the narcissists are doing their thing in the session. It's confronted on the spot; you invite them to do something different, then you reinforce them for doing so. ..."
As his presidential campaign trundles forward, millions of sane Americans are wondering: What
exactly is wrong with this strange individual? Now, we have an answer.
For mental-health professionals, Donald Trump is at once easily diagnosed but slightly confounding.
"Remarkably narcissistic," said developmental psychologist Howard Gardner, a professor at Harvard
Graduate School of Education. "Textbook narcissistic personality disorder," echoed clinical psychologist
Ben Michaelis. "He's so classic that I'm archiving video clips of him to use in workshops because
there's no better example of his characteristics," said clinical psychologist George Simon, who conducts
lectures and seminars on manipulative behavior. "Otherwise, I would have had to hire actors and write
vignettes. He's like a dream come true."
That mental-health professionals are even willing to talk about Trump in the first place may attest
to their deep concern about a Trump presidency. As Dr. Robert Klitzman, a professor of psychiatry
and the director of the master's of bioethics program at Columbia University, pointed out, the American
Psychiatric Association declares it unethical for psychiatrists to comment on an individual's mental
state without examining him personally and having the patient's consent to make such comments.
This so-called Goldwater rule arose after the publication of a 1964 Fact magazine article in
which psychiatrists were polled about Senator Barry Goldwater's fitness to be president. Senator
Goldwater brought a $2 million suit against the magazine and its publisher; the Supreme Court awarded
him $1 in compensatory damages and $75,000 in punitive damages.
But you don't need to have met Donald Trump to feel like you know him; even the smallest exposure
can make you feel like you've just crossed a large body of water in a small boat with him. Indeed,
though narcissistic personality disorder was removed from the most recent issue of the Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, for somewhat arcane reasons, the traits that have defined
the disorder in the past-grandiosity; an expectation that others will recognize one's superiority;
a lack of empathy-are writ large in Mr. Trump's behavior.
"He's very easy to diagnose," said psychotherapist Charlotte Prozan. "In the first debate, he
talked over people and was domineering. He'll do anything to demean others, like tell Carly Fiorina
he doesn't like her looks. 'You're fired!' would certainly come under lack of empathy. And he wants
to deport immigrants, but [two of] his wives have been immigrants." Michaelis took a slightly different
twist on Trump's desire to deport immigrants: "This man is known for his golf courses, but, with
due respect, who does he think works on these golf courses?"
Mr. Trump's bullying nature-taunting Senator John McCain for being captured in Vietnam, or saying
Jeb Bush has "low energy"-is in keeping with the narcissistic profile. "In the field we use clusters
of personality disorders," Michaelis said. "Narcissism is in cluster B, which means it has similarities
with histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, and antisocial personality
disorder. There are similarities between them. Regardless of how you feel about John McCain, the
man served-and suffered. Narcissism is an extreme defense against one's own feelings of worthlessness.
To degrade people is really part of a cluster-B personality disorder: it's antisocial and shows
a lack of remorse for other people. The way to make it O.K. to attack someone verbally, psychologically,
or physically is to lower them. That's what he's doing."
What of Trump's tendency to position himself as a possible savior to the economy despite the fact
that four of his companies have declared bankruptcy? "It's mind-boggling to me that that's not the
story," said Michaelis. "This man has been given more than anyone could ever hope for," he added,
referring to the fact that Trump is not wholly self-made, "yet he's failed miserably time and time
again." Licensed clinical social worker Wendy Terrie Behary, the author of Disarming the Narcissist:
Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, said,
"Narcissists are not necessarily liars, but they are notoriously uncomfortable with the
truth. The truth means the potential to feel ashamed. If all they have to show the world as a
source of feeling acceptable is their success and performance, be it in business or sports or
celebrity, then the risk of people seeing them fail or squander their success is so difficult
to their self-esteem that they feel ashamed. We call it the narcissistic injury. They're uncomfortable
with their own limitations. It's not that they're cut out to lie, it's just that they can't handle
what's real."
Indeed, the need to protect or exalt the self is at odds with the job requirements of a president.
Michaelis said, "He's applying for the greatest job in the land, the greatest task of which is to
serve, but there's nothing about the man that is service-oriented. He's only serving himself." As
Prozan sees it, "He keeps saying he could negotiate with Putin because he's good at deals. But diplomacy
involves a back and forth between equals." Dr. Klitzman added, "I have never met Donald Trump and
so cannot comment on his psychological state. However, I think that, in general, many candidates
who run for president are driven in large part by ego. I hope that does not preclude their motivation
to govern with the best interests of the public as a whole in mind. Yet for some candidates, that
may, alas, be a threat."
Asked what, if Mr. Trump were their patient, they would "work on" with him, several of the therapists
laughed. "I'd be shocked if he walked in my door," said Behary. "Most narcissists don't seek
treatment unless there's someone threatening to take something away from them. There'd have to be
some kind of meaningful consequence for him to come in." Simon concurred but added, "There is
help available, but it doesn't look like the help people are used to. It's not insight-oriented psychotherapy,
because narcissists already have insight. They're aware; the problem is, they don't care. They
know how you'd like them to act; the problem is, they've got a different set of rules. The kind of
approach that can have some impact is confrontational. It confronts distorted thinking and behavior
patterns in the here-and-now moment when the narcissists are doing their thing in the session. It's
confronted on the spot; you invite them to do something different, then you reinforce them for doing
so."
But for at least one mental-health professional, the Trump enigma, or should we say non-enigma,
is larger than the bluster of the man whose own Web site calls him "the very definition of the American
success story, continually setting the standards of excellence"-to this mind-set, Trump may be a
kind of bellwether. Mr. Gardner said, "For me, the compelling question is the psychological state
of his supporters. They are unable or unwilling to make a connection between the challenges faced
by any president and the knowledge and behavior of Donald Trump. In a democracy, that is disastrous."
"... In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The "Stockholm Syndrome" reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. ..."
"... Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority. ..."
"... In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse), or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not "all bad" and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn't happen, that "small kindness" is interpreted as a positive sign. ..."
"... During the relationship, the abuser/controller may share information about their past - how they were mistreated, abused, neglected, or wronged. ..."
"... Sympathy may develop toward the abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with "I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he's troubled. He had a rough childhood!" ..."
"... Keep in mind: once you become hardened to the "sad stories", they will simply try another approach. I know of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "I'm beating (robbing, mugging, etc.) you because my Mom hated me!" ..."
"... In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on eggshells" - fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst. For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective. They begin to fix things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller. ..."
"... Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. ..."
"... The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant problems. ..."
"... The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public exposure of the victim's personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful life due to nonstop harassment. ..."
While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due
to the publicity, the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had
been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive
situations such as:
Abused Children
Battered/Abused Women
Prisoners of War
Cult Members
Incest Victims
Criminal Hostage Situations
Concentration Camp Prisoners
Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival
for victims of abuse and intimidation. The "Stockholm Syndrome" reaction in hostage and/or abuse
situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as
unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for
survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing "Stockholm
Syndrome" will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement
personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail
their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they
arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.
Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships.
The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role
in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.
It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and
controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why victims
support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers.
Every syndrome has symptoms or behaviors, and Stockholm Syndrome is no exception. While a clear-cut
list has not been established due to varying opinions by researchers and experts, several of these
features will be present:
Positive feelings by the victim toward the abuser/controller
Negative feelings by the victim toward family, friends, or authorities trying to rescue/support
them or win their release
Support of the abuser's reasons and behaviors
Positive feelings by the abuser toward the victim
Supportive behaviors by the victim, at times helping the abuser
Inability to engage in behaviors that may assist in their release or detachment
Stockholm Syndrome doesn't occur in every hostage or abusive situation. In another bank robbery
involving hostages, after terrorizing patrons and employees for many hours, a police sharpshooter
shot and wounded the terrorizing bank robber. After he hit the floor, two women picked him up and
physically held him up to the window for another shot. As you can see, the length of time one is
exposed to abuse/control and other factors are certainly involved.
It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for
the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse,
and abusive relationships:
The presence of a perceived threat to one's physical or psychological survival and the belief
that the abuser would carry out the threat.
The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
The perceived inability to escape the situation
By considering each situation we can understand how Stockholm Syndrome develops in romantic relationships
as well as criminal/hostage situations. Looking at each situation:
Perceived Threat to One's Physical/Psychological Survival
The perception of threat can be formed by direct, indirect, or witnessed methods. Criminal or
antisocial partners can directly threaten your life or the life of friends and family. Their history
of violence leads us to believe that the captor/controller will carry out the threat in a direct
manner if we fail to comply with their demands. The abuser assures us that only our cooperation keeps
our loved ones safe.
Indirectly, the abuser/controller offers subtle threats that you will never leave them or have
another partner, reminding you that people in the past have paid dearly for not following their wishes.
Hints are often offered such as "I know people who can make others disappear". Indirect threats also
come from the stories told by the abuser or controller - how they obtained revenge on those who have
crossed them in the past. These stories of revenge are told to remind the victim that revenge is
possible if they leave.
Witnessing violence or aggression is also a perceived threat. Witnessing a violent temper directed
at a television set, others on the highway, or a third party clearly sends us the message that we
could be the next target for violence. Witnessing the thoughts and attitudes of the abuser/controller
is threatening and intimidating, knowing that we will be the target of those thoughts in the future.
The "Small Kindness" Perception
In threatening and survival situations, we look for evidence of hope - a small sign that the situation
may improve. When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to
the abuser's benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait of the
captor. In criminal/war hostage situations, letting the victim live is often enough. Small behaviors,
such as allowing a bathroom visit or providing food/water, are enough to strengthen the Stockholm
Syndrome in criminal hostage events.
In relationships with abusers, a birthday card, a gift (usually provided after a period of abuse),
or a special treat are interpreted as not only positive, but evidence that the abuser is not "all
bad" and may at some time correct his/her behavior. Abusers and controllers are often given positive
credit for not abusing their partner, when the partner would have normally been subjected to verbal
or physical abuse in a certain situation. An aggressive and jealous partner may normally become intimidating
or abusive in certain social situations, as when an opposite-sex coworker waves in a crowd. After
seeing the wave, the victim expects to be verbally battered and when it doesn't happen, that "small
kindness" is interpreted as a positive sign.
Similar to the small kindness perception is the perception of a "soft side". During the relationship,
the abuser/controller may share information about their past - how they were mistreated, abused,
neglected, or wronged. The victim begins to feel the abuser/controller may be capable of fixing their
behavior or worse yet, that they (abuser) may also be a "victim". Sympathy may develop toward the
abuser and we often hear the victim of Stockholm Syndrome defending their abuser with "I know he
fractured my jaw and ribs…but he's troubled. He had a rough childhood!"
Losers and abusers may admit
they need psychiatric help or acknowledge they are mentally disturbed; however, it's almost always
after they have already abused or intimidated the victim. The admission is a way of denying responsibility
for the abuse. In truth, personality disorders and criminals have learned over the years that personal
responsibility for their violent/abusive behaviors can be minimized and even denied by blaming their
bad upbringing, abuse as a child, and now even video games. One murderer blamed his crime on eating
too much junk food - now known as the "Twinkie Defense". While it may be true that the abuser/controller
had a difficult upbringing, showing sympathy for his/her history produces no change in their behavior
and in fact, prolongs the length of time you will be abused. While "sad stories" are always included
in their apologies - after the abusive/controlling event - their behavior never changes! Keep in
mind: once you become hardened to the "sad stories", they will simply try another approach. I know
of no victim of abuse or crime who has heard their abuser say "I'm beating (robbing, mugging, etc.)
you because my Mom hated me!"
Isolation from Perspectives Other than those of the Captor
In abusive and controlling relationships, the victim has the sense they are always "walking on
eggshells" - fearful of saying or doing anything that might prompt a violent/intimidating outburst.
For their survival, they begin to see the world through the abuser's perspective. They begin to fix
things that might prompt an outburst, act in ways they know makes the abuser happy, or avoid aspects
of their own life that may prompt a problem. If we only have a dollar in our pocket, then most of
our decisions become financial decisions. If our partner is an abuser or controller, then the majority
of our decisions are based on our perception of the abuser's potential reaction. We become preoccupied
with the needs, desires, and habits of the abuser/controller.
Taking the abuser's perspective as a survival technique can become so intense that the victim
actually develops anger toward those trying to help them. The abuser is already angry and resentful
toward anyone who would provide the victim support, typically using multiple methods and manipulations
to isolate the victim from others. Any contact the victim has with supportive people in the community
is met with accusations, threats, and/or violent outbursts. Victims then turn on their family - fearing
family contact will cause additional violence and abuse in the home. At this point, victims curse
their parents and friends, tell them not to call and to stop interfering, and break off communication
with others. Agreeing with the abuser/controller, supportive others are now viewed as "causing trouble"
and must be avoided. Many victims threaten their family and friends with restraining orders if they
continue to "interfere" or try to help the victim in their situation. On the surface it would appear
that they have sided with the abuser/controller. In truth, they are trying to minimize contact with
situations that might make them a target of additional verbal abuse or intimidation. If a casual
phone call from Mom prompts a two-hour temper outburst with threats and accusations - the victim
quickly realizes it's safer if Mom stops calling. If simply telling Mom to stop calling doesn't work,
for his or her own safety the victim may accuse Mom of attempting to ruin the relationship and demand
that she stop calling.
In severe cases of Stockholm Syndrome in relationships, the victim may have difficulty leaving
the abuser and may actually feel the abusive situation is their fault. In law enforcement situations,
the victim may actually feel the arrest of their partner for physical abuse or battering is their
fault. Some women will allow their children to be removed by child protective agencies rather than
give up the relationship with their abuser. As they take the perspective of the abuser, the children
are at fault - they complained about the situation, they brought the attention of authorities to
the home, and they put the adult relationship at risk. Sadly, the children have now become a danger
to the victim's safety. For those with Stockholm Syndrome, allowing the children to be removed from
the home decreases their victim stress while providing an emotionally and physically safer environment
for the children.
Perceived Inability to Escape
As a hostage in a bank robbery, threatened by criminals with guns, it's easy to understand the
perceived inability to escape. In romantic relationships, the belief that one can't escape is also
very common. Many abusive/controlling relationships feel like till-death-do-us-part relationships
- locked together by mutual financial issues/assets, mutual intimate knowledge, or legal situations.
Here are some common situations:
Controlling partners have increased the financial obligations/debt in the relationship to
the point that neither partner can financially survive on their own. Controllers who sense their
partner may be leaving will often purchase a new automobile, later claiming they can't pay alimony
or child support due to their large car payments.
The legal ending of a relationship, especially a marital relationship, often creates significant
problems. A Controller who has an income that is "under the table" or maintained through legally
questionable situations runs the risk of those sources of income being investigated or made public
by the divorce/separation. The Controller then becomes more agitated about the possible public
exposure of their business arrangements than the loss of the relationship.
The Controller often uses extreme threats including threatening to take the children out of
state, threatening to quit their job/business rather than pay alimony/support, threatening public
exposure of the victim's personal issues, or assuring the victim they will never have a peaceful
life due to nonstop harassment. In severe cases, the Controller may threaten an action that will
undercut the victim's support such as "I'll see that you lose your job" or "I'll have your automobile
burned".
Controllers often keep the victim locked into the relationship with severe guilt - threatening
suicide if the victim leaves. The victim hears "I'll kill myself in front of the children", "I'll
set myself on fire in the front yard", or "Our children won't have a father/mother if you leave
me!"
In relationships with an abuser or controller, the victim has also experienced a loss of self-esteem,
self-confidence, and psychological energy. The victim may feel "burned out" and too depressed
to leave. Additionally, abusers and controllers often create a type of dependency by controlling
the finances, placing automobiles/homes in their name, and eliminating any assets or resources
the victim may use to leave. In clinical practice I've heard "I'd leave but I can't even get money
out of the savings account! I don't know the PIN number."
In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they
feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents
are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller
may stabilize their life. Freshmen in college may be attracted to controlling individuals who
promise to help them survive living away from home on a college campus.
In unhealthy relationships and definitely in Stockholm Syndrome there is a daily preoccupation
with "trouble". Trouble is any individual, group, situation, comment, casual glance, or cold meal
that may produce a temper tantrum or verbal abuse from the controller or abuser. To survive, "trouble"
is to be avoided at all costs. The victim must control situations that produce trouble. That may
include avoiding family, friends, co-workers, and anyone who may create "trouble" in the abusive
relationship. The victim does not hate family and friends; they are only avoiding "trouble"! The
victim also cleans the house, calms the children, scans the mail, avoids certain topics, and anticipates
every issue of the controller or abuse in an effort to avoid "trouble". In this situation, children
who are noisy become "trouble". Loved ones and friends are sources of "trouble" for the victim who
is attempting to avoid verbal or physical aggression.
Stockholm Syndrome in relationships is not uncommon. Law enforcement professionals are painfully
aware of the situation - making a domestic dispute one of the high-risk calls during work hours.
Called by neighbors during a spousal abuse incident, the abuser is passive upon arrival of the police,
only to find the abused spouse upset and threatening the officers if their abusive partner is arrested
for domestic violence. In truth, the victim knows the abuser/controller will retaliate against him/her
if 1) they encourage an arrest, 2) they offer statements about the abuse/fight that are deemed disloyal
by the abuser, 3) they don't bail them out of jail as quickly as possible, and 4) they don't personally
apologize for the situation - as though it was their fault.
Stockholm Syndrome produces an unhealthy bond with the controller and abuser. It is the reason
many victims continue to support an abuser after the relationship is over. It's also the reason they
continue to see "the good side" of an abusive individual and appear sympathetic to someone who has
mentally and sometimes physically abused them.
Is There Something Else Involved?
In a short response - Yes! Throughout history, people have found themselves supporting and participating
in life situations that range from abusive to bizarre. In talking to these active and willing participants
in bad and bizarre situations, it is clear they have developed feelings and attitudes that support
their participation. One way these feelings and thoughts are developed is known as "cognitive dissonance".
As you can tell, psychologists have large words and phrases for just about everything.
"Cognitive Dissonance" explains how and why people change their ideas and opinions to support
situations that do not appear to be healthy, positive, or normal. In the theory, an individual seeks
to reduce information or opinions that make him or her uncomfortable. When we have two sets of cognitions
(knowledge, opinion, feelings, input from others, etc.) that are the opposite, the situation becomes
emotionally uncomfortable. Even though we might find ourselves in a foolish or difficult situation
- few want to admit that fact. Instead, we attempt to reduce the dissonance - the fact that our cognitions
don't match, agree, or make sense when combined. "Cognitive Dissonance" can be reduced by adding
new cognitions - adding new thoughts and attitudes. Some examples:
Heavy smokers know smoking causes lung cancer and multiple health risks. To continue smoking,
the smoker changes his cognitions (thoughts/feelings) such as 1) "I'm smoking less than ten years
ago", 2) "I'm smoking low-tar cigarettes", 3) "Those statistics are made up by the cancer industry
conspiracy", or 4) "Something's got to get you anyway!" These new cognitions/attitudes allow them
to keep smoking and actually begin blaming restaurants for being unfair.
You purchase a $40,000.00 Sport Utility Vehicle that gets 8 miles a gallon. You justify the
expense and related issues with 1) "It's great on trips" (you take one trip per year), 2) "I can
use it to haul stuff" (one coffee table in 12 months), and 3) "You can carry a lot of people in
it" (95% of your trips are driver-only).
Your husband/boyfriend becomes abusive and assaultive. You can't leave due to the finances,
children, or other factors. Through cognitive dissonance, you begin telling yourself "He only
hits me open-handed" and "He's had a lot of stress at work."
Leon Festinger first coined the term "Cognitive Dissonance". He had observed a cult (1956) in
which members gave up their homes, incomes, and jobs to work for the cult. This cult believed in
messages from outer space that predicted the day the world would end by a flood. As cult members
and firm believers, they believed they would be saved by flying saucers at the appointed time. As
they gathered and waited to be taken by flying saucers at the specified time, the end-of-the-world
came and went. No flood and no flying saucer! Rather than believing they were foolish after all that
personal and emotional investment - they decided their beliefs had actually saved the world from
the flood and they became firmer in their beliefs after the failure of the prophecy. The moral: the
more you invest (income, job, home, time, effort, etc.) the stronger your need to justify your position.
If we invest $5.00 in a raffle ticket, we justify losing with "I'll get them next time". If you invest
everything you have, it requires an almost unreasoning belief and unusual attitude to support and
justify that investment.
Studies tell us we are more loyal and committed to something that is difficult, uncomfortable,
and even humiliating. The initiation rituals of college fraternities, Marine boot camp, and graduate
school all produce loyal and committed individuals. Almost any ordeal creates a bonding experience.
Every couple, no matter how mismatched, falls in love in the movies after going through a terrorist
takeover, being stalked by a killer, being stranded on an island, or being involved in an alien abduction.
Investment and an ordeal are ingredients for a strong bonding - even if the bonding is unhealthy.
No one bonds or falls in love by being a member of the Automobile Club or a music CD club. Struggling
to survive on a deserted island - you bet!
Abusive relationships produce a great amount on unhealthy investment in both parties. In many
cases we tend to remain and support the abusive relationship due to our investment in the relationship.
Try telling a new Marine that since he or she has survived boot camp, they should now enroll in the
National Guard! Several types of investments keep us in the bad relationship:
Emotional Investment
We've invested so many emotions, cried so much, and worried so much that we feel we must see
the relationship through to the finish.
Social Investment
We've got our pride! To avoid social embarrassment and uncomfortable social situations, we
remain in the relationship.
Family Investments
If children are present in the relationship, decisions regarding the relationship are clouded
by the status and needs of the children.
Financial Investment
In many cases, the controlling and abusive partner has created a complex financial situation.
Many victims remain in a bad relationship, waiting for a better financial situation to develop
that would make their departure and detachment easier.
Lifestyle Investment
Many controlling/abusive partners use money or a lifestyle as an investment. Victims in this
situation may not want to lose their current lifestyle.
Intimacy Investment
We often invest emotional and sexual intimacy. Some victims have experienced a destruction
of their emotional and/or sexual self-esteem in the unhealthy relationship. The abusing partner
may threaten to spread rumors or tell intimate details or secrets. A type of blackmail using intimacy
is often found in these situations.
In many cases, it's not simply our feelings for an individual that keep us in an unhealthy relationship
- it's often the amount of investment. Relationships are complex and we often only see the tip of
the iceberg in public. For this reason, the most common phrase offered by the victim in defense of
their unhealthy relationship is "You just don't understand!"
Combining Two Unhealthy Conditions
The combination of "Stockholm Syndrome" and "cognitive dissonance" produces a victim who firmly
believes the relationship is not only acceptable, but also desperately needed for their survival.
The victim feels they would mentally collapse if the relationship ended. In long-term relationships,
the victims have invested everything and placed "all their eggs in one basket". The relationship
now decides their level of self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional health.
For reasons described above, the victim feels family and friends are a threat to the relationship
and eventually to their personal health and existence. The more family/friends protest the controlling
and abusive nature of the relationship, the more the victim develops cognitive dissonance and becomes
defensive. At this point, family and friends become victims of the abusive and controlling individual.
Importantly, both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance develop on an involuntary basis.
The victim does not purposely invent this attitude. Both develop as an attempt to exist and survive
in a threatening and controlling environment and relationship. Despite what we might think, our loved
one is not in the unhealthy relationship to irritate us, embarrass us, or drive us to drink. What
might have begun as a normal relationship has turned into a controlling and abusive situation. They
are trying to survive. Their personality is developing the feelings and thoughts needed to survive
the situation and lower their emotional and physical risks. All of us have developed attitudes and
feelings that help us accept and survive situations. We have these attitudes/feelings about our jobs,
our community, and other aspects of our life. As we have found throughout history, the more dysfunctional
the situation, the more dysfunctional our adaptation and thoughts to survive. The victim is engaged
in an attempt to survive and make a relationship work. Once they decide it doesn't work and can't
be fixed, they will need our support as we patiently await their decision to return to a healthy
and positive lifestyle.
Family and Friends of the Victim
When a family is confronted with a loved one involved with a 'Loser' or controlling/abusive individual,
the situation becomes emotionally painful and socially difficult for the family. (See "
Are You Dating
a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers ".) While each situation is different, some
general guidelines to consider are:
Your loved one, the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, has probably been given a choice - the relationship
or the family. This choice is made more difficult by the control and intimidation often present
in abusive/controlling relationships. Knowing that choosing the family will result in severe personal
and social consequences, the family always comes in second. Keep in mind that the victim knows
in their heart the family will always love them and accept their return - whenever the return
happens.
Remember, the more you pressure the "victim" of the Loser/Abuser, the more you prove their
point. Your loved one is being told the family is trying to ruin their wonderful relationship.
Pressure in the form of contacts, comments, and communications will be used as evidence against
you. An invitation to a Tupperware party is met with "You see! They just want to get you by yourself
so they can tell you bad things about me!" Increasing your contacts is viewed as "putting pressure"
on their relationship - not being lovingly concerned.
Your contacts with your loved one, no matter how routine and loving, may be met with anger
and resentment. This is because each contact may prompt the Loser/Abuser to attack them verbally
or emotionally. Imagine getting a four-hour lecture every time your Aunt Gladys calls. In a short
time, you become angry each time she calls, knowing what the contact will produce in your home.
The longer Aunt Gladys talks - the longer your lecture becomes! Thus, when Aunt Gladys calls,
you want to get her off the phone as quickly as possible.
The 1980's song, "Hold on Loosely", may be the key to a good family and friend approach. Holding
on too tightly produces more pressure. When the victim is out of the home, it's often best to
establish predictable, scheduled contacts. Calling every Wednesday evening, just for a status
report or to go over current events, is less threatening than random calls during the week. Random
calls are always viewed as "checking up on us" calls. While you may encounter an answering machine,
leave a polite and loving message. Importantly, don't discuss the relationship (the controller
may be listening!) unless the victim brings it up. The goal of these scheduled calls is to maintain
contact, remind your loved one that you are always there to help, and to quietly remind the controller
that family and loved ones are nearby and haven't disappeared.
Try to maintain traditional and special contacts with your loved one - holidays, special occasions,
etc. Keep your contacts short and brief, with no comments that can be used as evidence. Contacts
made at "traditional" times - holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. - are not as threatening
to a controller/abuser. Contacts that provide information, but not questions, are also not as
threatening. An example might be a simple card reading "Just a note to let you know that your
brother landed a new job this week. You might see him on a Wal-Mart commercial any day now. Love,
Mom and Dad". This approach allows the victim to recognize that the family is there - waiting
in the wings if needed. It also lessens the lectures/tantrums provided by the Loser as the contacts
are on a traditional and expected basis. It's also hard to be angry about brother's new job without
looking ridiculous. Also, don't invent holidays or send a reminder that it's Sigmund Freud's birthday.
That's suspicious…even in my family.
Remember that there are many channels of communication. It's important that we keep a channel
open if at all possible. Communication channels might include phone calls, letters, cards, and
e-mail. Scheduled monthly shopping trips or outings are helpful if possible. The goal is to maintain
contact while your loved one is involved in the controlling/abusive relationship. Remember, the
goal is contact, not pressure.
Don't feel the victim's behavior is against the family or friends. It may be a form of survival
or a way of lowering stress. Victims may be very resistive, angry, and even hostile due to the
complexity of their relationship with the controller/abuser. They may even curse, threaten, and
accuse loved ones and friends. This hostile defensiveness is actually self-protection in the relationship
- an attempt to avoid "trouble".
The victim needs to know and feel they are not rejected because of their behavior. Keep in
mind, they are painfully aware of their situation. They know they are being treated badly and/or
controlled by their partner. Frequent reminders of this will only make them want less contact.
We naturally avoid people who remind us of things or situations that are emotionally painful.
Victims may slightly open the door and provide information about their relationship or hint
they may be considering leaving. When the door opens, don't jump through with the Marines behind
you! Listen and simply offer support such as "You know your family is behind any decision you
need to make and at any time you make it." They may be exploring what support is available but
may not be ready to call in the troops just yet. Many victims use an "exit plan" that may take
months or even years to complete. They may be gathering information at this point, not yet ready
for an exit.
We can get messages to people in two ways - the pipeline and the grapevine. The pipeline is
face-to-face, telling the person directly. This seldom happens in Loser situations as controllers
and abusers monitor and control contacts with others. However, the grapevine is still open. When
we use the grapevine, we send a message to our loved one through another person. Victims of controlling
and abusive individuals are often allowed to maintain a relationship with a few people, perhaps
a sibling or best friend. We can send our loved one a message through that contact person, a message
that voices our understanding and support. We don't send insults ("Bill is such a jerk!) or put-downs
("If he doesn't get out of this relationship he'll end up crazy!) - we send messages of love and
support. We send "I hope she/he (victim) knows the family is concerned and that we love and support
them." Comments sent on the grapevine are phrased with the understanding that our loved one will
hear them in that manner. Don't talk with a grapevine contact to express anger and threaten to
hire a hit man, and then try to send a message of loving support. Be careful what and how the
message is provided. The grapevine contact can often get messages to the victim when we can't.
It's another way of letting them know we're supporting them, just waiting to help if and when
needed.
Each situation is different. The family may need to seek counseling support in the community.
A family consultation with a mental health professional or attorney may be helpful if the situation
becomes legally complex or there is a significant danger of harm.
As relatives or friends of a victim involved with a controller or abuser, our normal reaction
is to consider dramatic action. We become angry, resentful, and aggressive at times. Our mind
fills with a variety of plans that often range from rescue and kidnapping to ambushing the controller/abuser
with a ball bat. A rule of thumb is that any aggression toward the controller/abuser will result
in additional difficulties for your loved one. Try to remain calm and await an opportunity to
show your love and support when your loved one needs it.
In some cases, as in teenagers and young adults, the family may still provide some financial,
insurance, or other support. When we receive angry responses to our phone calls, our anger and
resentment tells us to cut off their support. I've heard "If she's going to date that jerk, it's
not going to be in a car I'm paying for!" and "If he's choosing that woman over his family, he
can drop out of college and flip hamburgers!" Withdrawing financial support only makes your loved
one more dependent upon the controller/abuser. Remember, if we're aggressive by threatening, withdrawing
support, or pressuring - we become the threatening force, not the controller/abuser. It actually
moves the victim into the support of the controller. Sadly, the more of an "ordeal" they experience,
the more bonding takes place, as noted with both Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance.
As you might imagine, the combination of Stockholm Syndrome and cognitive dissonance may also
be active when our loved one is involved in cults, unusual religions, and other groups. In some
situations, the abuser and controller is actually a group or organization. Victims are punished
if they are viewed as disloyal to the group. While this article deals with individual relationships,
the family guidelines may also be helpful in controlling-group situations.
Final Thoughts
You may be the victim of a controlling and abusive partner, seeking an understanding of your feelings
and attitudes. You may have a son, daughter, or friend currently involved with a controlling and
abusive partner, looking for ways to understand and help.
If a loved one is involved with a Loser, a controlling and abusing partner, the long-term outcome
is difficult to determine due to the many factors involved. If their relationship is in the "dating"
phase, they may end the relationship on their own. If the relationship has continued for over a year,
they may require support and an exit plan before ending the relationship. Marriage and children further
complicate their ability to leave the situation. When the victim decides to end the unhappy relationship,
it's important that they view loved ones as supportive, loving, and understanding - not as a source
of pressure, guilt, or aggression.
This article is an attempt to understand the complex feelings and attitudes that are as puzzling
to the victim as they are to family and friends. Separately, I've outlined recommendations for detaching
from a Loser or controlling/abusive individual, but clearly, there are more victims in this situation.
(See " Are You
Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers ".) It is hoped this article is helpful
to family and friends who worry, cry, and have difficulty understanding the situation of their loved
one. It has been said that knowledge is power. Hopefully this knowledge will prove helpful and powerful
to victims and their loved ones.
Please consider this article as a general guideline. Some recommendations may be appropriate and
helpful while some may not apply to a specific situation. In many cases, we may need additional professional
help of a mental health or legal nature.
"... Narcissism is a defense mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a " False Self " which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is then used by the narcissist to garner narcissistic supply from his human environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention, both positive and negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense of self-worth. ..."
Barack Obama
appears to be a
narcissist
. Granted, only a qualified mental health diagnostician (which I am
not) can determine whether someone suffers from
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
(NPD) and this, following lengthy tests and
personal interviews. But, in the absence of access to Barack Obama, one has to
rely on his overt performance and on testimonies by his closest, nearest and
dearest.
Narcissistic leaders are nefarious and their effects pernicious. They
are subtle, refined, socially-adept, manipulative, possessed of thespian skills,
and convincing. Both types equally lack empathy and are ruthless and relentless or
driven.
Perhaps it is time to require each candidate to high office in the USA to
submit to a rigorous physical and mental checkup with the results made public.
I. Upbringing and Childhood
Obama's early life was decidedly chaotic and replete with traumatic and
mentally bruising dislocations. Mixed-race marriages were even less common then.
His parents went through a divorce when he was an infant (two years old). Obama
saw his father only once again, before he died in a car accident. Then, his mother
re-married and Obama had to relocate to
Indonesia
: a foreign land with a radically foreign culture, to be raised by a
step-father. At the age of ten, he was whisked off to live with his maternal
(white) grandparents. He saw his mother only intermittently in the following few
years and then she vanished from his life in 1979. She died of cancer in 1995.
Pathological narcissism is a reaction to prolonged abuse and trauma in early
childhood or early adolescence. The source of the abuse or trauma is immaterial:
the perpetrators could be dysfunctional or absent parents, teachers, other adults,
or peers.
II. Behavior Patterns
The narcissist:
* Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments,
talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands
to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements);
* Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or
omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or
sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering
love or passion;
* Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be
understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or
unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
* Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation â€" or,
failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (
Narcissistic
Supply
);
* Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her
unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
* Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her
own ends;
* Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or
accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
* Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his
or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she
believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
* Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient,
invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (
magical
thinking
). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or
she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.
Narcissism
is a defense mechanism whose role is to deflect hurt and trauma
from the victim's "True Self" into a "
False
Self
" which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. This False Self is
then used by the narcissist to garner narcissistic supply from his human
environment. Narcissistic supply is any form of attention, both positive and
negative and it is instrumental in the regulation of the narcissist's labile sense
of self-worth.
Perhaps the most immediately evident trait of patients with Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) is their vulnerability to criticism and disagreement.
Subject to negative input, real or imagined, even to a mild rebuke, a constructive
suggestion, or an offer to help, they feel injured, humiliated and empty and they
react with disdain (devaluation), rage, and defiance.
From my book "Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited":
"To avoid such intolerable pain, some patients with Narcissistic Personality
Disorder (NPD) socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask
their underlying
grandiosity
. Dysthymic and depressive disorders are common reactions to
isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy."
Due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense
of entitlement, and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply),
narcissists are rarely able to maintain functional and healthy interpersonal
relationships.
Many narcissists are over-achievers and ambitious. Some of them are even
talented and skilled. But they are incapable of team work because they cannot
tolerate setbacks. They are easily frustrated and demoralized and are unable to
cope with disagreement and criticism. Though some narcissists have meteoric and
inspiring careers, in the long-run, all of them find it difficult to maintain
long-term professional achievements and the respect and appreciation of their
peers. The narcissist's fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a
hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with his or her real
accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap").
An important distinction is between cerebral and somatic narcissists. The
cerebrals derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic
achievements and the somatics derive their Narcissistic Supply from their
physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical
"conquests".
Another crucial division within the ranks of patients with Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) is between the classic variety (those who meet five
of the nine diagnostic criteria included in the DSM), and the compensatory kind
(their narcissism compensates for deep-set feelings of inferiority and lack of
self-worth).
Obama displays the following behaviors, which are among the hallmarks of
pathological narcissism:
* Subtly misrepresents facts and expediently and opportunistically shifts
positions, views, opinions, and "ideals" (e.g., about campaign finance,
re-districting). These flip-flops do not cause him overt distress and are ego-syntonic
(he feels justified in acting this way). Alternatively, reuses to commit to a
standpoint and, in the process, evidences a lack of empathy.
Ignores data that conflict with his fantasy world, or with his inflated and
grandiose self-image. This has to do with magical thinking. Obama already sees
himself as president because he is firmly convinced that his dreams, thoughts,
and wishes affect reality. Additionally, he denies the gap between his
fantasies and his modest or limited real-life achievements (for instance, in 12
years of academic career, he hasn't published a single scholarly paper or
book).
– Feels that he is above the law, incl. and especially his own laws.
– Talks about himself in the 3rd person singluar or uses the regal "we" and
craves to be the exclusive center of attention, even adulation
– Have a messianic-cosmic vision of himself and his life and his "mission".
– Sets ever more complex rules in a convoluted world of grandiose fantasies
with its own language (jargon)
– Displays false modesty and unctuous "folksiness" but unable to sustain
these behaviors (the persona, or mask) for long. It slips and the true Obama is
revealed: haughty, aloof, distant, and disdainful of simple folk and their
lives.
– Sublimates aggression and holds grudges.
– Behaves as an eternal adolescent (e.g., his choice of language, youthful
image he projects, demands indulgence and feels entitled to special treatment,
even though his objective accomplishments do not justify it).
III. Body Language
Many complain of the incredible deceptive powers of the narcissist. They find
themselves involved with narcissists (emotionally, in business, or otherwise)
before they have a chance to discover their true character. Shocked by the later
revelation, they mourn their inability to separate from the narcissist and their
gullibility.
Narcissists are an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible
to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician with unmitigated
access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult
to determine with any degree of certainty whether someone suffers from a full
fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder or merely possesses narcissistic traits,
a narcissistic style, a personality structure ("character"), or a narcissistic
"overlay" superimposed on another mental health problem.
Moreover, it is important to distinguish between traits and behavior patterns
that are independent of the patient's cultural-social context (i.e., which are
inherent, or idiosyncratic) and reactive patterns, or conformity to cultural and
social morals and norms. Reactions to severe life crises or circumstances are also
often characterized by transient pathological narcissism, for instance (Ronningstam
and Gunderson, 1996). But such reactions do not a narcissist make.
When a person belongs to a society or culture that has often been described as
narcissistic by scholars (such as Theodore Millon) and social thinkers (e.g.,
Christopher Lasch) how much of his behavior can be attributed to his milieu and
which of his traits are really his?
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder is rigorously defined in the DSM IV-TR
with a set of strict criteria and differential diagnoses.
Narcissism is regarded by many scholars to be an adaptative strategy ("healthy
narcissism"). It is considered pathological in the clinical sense only when it
becomes a rigid personality structure replete with a series of primitive defence
mechanisms (such as splitting, projection, projective identification, or
intellectualization) and when it leads to dysfunctions in one or more areas of the
patient's life.
Pathological narcissism is the art of deception. The narcissist projects a
False Self and manages all his social interactions through this concocted
fictional construct.
When the narcissist reveals his true colors, it is usually far too late. His
victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired
helplessness and angry at themselves for having they failed to see through the
narcissist earlier on.
But the narcissist does emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals ("presenting
symptoms") even in a first or casual encounter. Compare the following list to
Barack Obama's body language during his paublic appearances.
These are:
"Haughty" body language. The narcissist adopts a physical posture which implies
and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused
indifference, etc. Though the narcissist usually maintains sustained and piercing
eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he is "territorial").
The narcissist takes part in social interactions, even mere banter,
condescendingly, from a position of supremacy and faux "magnanimity and largesse".
But he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain the "observer", or the "lone
wolf".
Entitlement markers. The narcissist immediately asks for "special treatment" of
some kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic
session, to talk directly to authority figures (and not to their assistants or
secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored
arrangements – or to get served first.
The narcissist is the one who vocally and demonstratively demands the undivided
attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or
latches on to celebrities in a party. The narcissist reacts with rage and
indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated equally with others whom he
deems inferior.
Idealization or devaluation. The narcissist instantly idealizes or devalues his
interlocutor. This depends on how the narcissist appraises the potential his
converser has as a Narcissistic Supply Source. The narcissist flatters, adores,
admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse
manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her.
Narcissists are polite only in the presence of a potential Supply Source. But
they are unable to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs
and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or other violent displays of abuse, rage
attacks, or cold detachment.
The "membership" posture. The narcissist always tries to "belong". Yet, at the
very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The narcissist seeks to be
admired for his ability to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing the
efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
For instance: if the narcissist talks to a psychologist, the narcissist first
states emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds to make
seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that he
mastered the discipline all the same, as an autodidact, which proves that he is
exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
In general, the narcissist always prefers show-off to substance. One of the
most effective methods of exposing a narcissist is by trying to delve deeper. The
narcissist is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of
himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades. The narcissist never admits to
ignorance in any field yet, typically, he is ignorant of them all. It is
surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the narcissist's
self-proclaimed omniscience.
Bragging and false autobiography. The narcissist brags incessantly. His speech
is peppered with "I", "my", "myself", and "mine". He describes himself as
intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always excessively,
implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
The narcissist's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements
incommensurate with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is
evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims. Very often, the
narcissist lies or his fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and
appropriates other people's experiences and accomplishments.
Emotion-free language. The narcissist likes to talk about himself and only
about himself. He is not interested in others or what they have to say, unless
they constitute potential Sources of Supply and in order to obtain said supply. He
acts bored, disdainful, even angry, if he feels that they are intruding on his
precious time and, thus, abusing him.
In general, the narcissist is very impatient, easily bored, with strong
attention deficits unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can
publicly dissect all aspects of the intimate life of a narcissist without
repercussions, providing the discourse is not "emotionally tinted".
If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the narcissist intellectualizes,
rationalizes, speaks about himself in the third person and in a detached
"scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character in it,
suspiciously autobiographical. Narcissists like to refer to themselves in
mechanical terms, as efficient automata or machines.
Seriousness and sense of intrusion and coercion. The narcissist is dead serious
about himself. He may possess a subtle, wry, and riotous sense of humor, scathing
and cynical, but rarely is he self-deprecating. The narcissist regards himself as
being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose consequences are
global. If a scientist, he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If
a journalist, he is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If a novelist, he is
on his way to a Booker or Nobel prize.
This self-misperception is not amenable to light-headedness or self-effacement.
The narcissist is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most
innocuous remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or
coercive. His time is more valuable than others' therefore, it cannot be wasted on
unimportant matters such as mere banter or going out for a walk.
Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately cast by the
narcissist as intentional humiliation, implying that the narcissist is in need of
help and counsel and, thus, imperfect and less than omnipotent. Any attempt to set
an agenda is, to the narcissist, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this
sense, the narcissist is both schizoid and paranoid and often entertains ideas of
reference.
These, the lack of empathy, the aloofness, the disdain, the sense of
entitlement, the constricted sense of humor, the unequal treatment and the
paranoia render the narcissist a social misfit. The narcissist is able to provoke
in his milieu, in his casual acquaintances, even in his psychotherapist, the
strongest, most avid and furious hatred and revulsion. To his shock, indignation
and consternation, he invariably induces in others unbridled aggression.
He is perceived to be asocial at best and, often, antisocial. This, perhaps, is
the strongest presenting symptom. One feels ill at ease in the presence of a
narcissist for no apparent reason. No matter how charming, intelligent, thought
provoking, outgoing, easy going and social the narcissist is – he fails to secure
the sympathy of others, a sympathy he is never ready, willing, or able to
reciprocate.
IV. Narcissistic and psychopathic Leaders
The narcissistic or psychopathic leader is the culmination and reification of
his period, culture, and civilization. He is likely to rise to prominence in
narcissistic societies.
The malignant narcissist invents and then projects a false, fictitious, self
for the world to fear, or to admire. He maintains a tenuous grasp on reality to
start with and this is further exacerbated by the trappings of power. The
narcissist's grandiose self-delusions and fantasies of omnipotence and omniscience
are supported by real life authority and the narcissist's predilection to surround
himself with obsequious sycophants.
The narcissist's personality is so precariously balanced that he cannot
tolerate even a hint of criticism and disagreement. Most narcissists are paranoid
and suffer from ideas of reference (the delusion that they are being mocked or
discussed when they are not). Thus, narcissists often regard themselves as
"victims of persecution".
The narcissistic leader fosters and encourages a personality cult with all the
hallmarks of an institutional religion: priesthood, rites, rituals, temples,
worship, catechism, mythology. The leader is this religion's ascetic saint. He
monastically denies himself earthly pleasures (or so he claims) in order to be
able to dedicate himself fully to his calling.
The narcissistic leader is a monstrously inverted Jesus, sacrificing his life
and denying himself so that his people – or humanity at large – should benefit. By
surpassing and suppressing his humanity, the narcissistic leader became a
distorted version of Nietzsche's "superman".
But being a-human or super-human also means being a-sexual and a-moral.
In this restricted sense, narcissistic leaders are post-modernist and moral
relativists. They project to the masses an androgynous figure and enhance it by
engendering the adoration of nudity and all things "natural" – or by strongly
repressing these feelings. But what they refer to as "nature" is not natural at
all.
The narcissistic leader invariably proffers an aesthetic of decadence and evil
carefully orchestrated and artificial – though it is not perceived this way by him
or by his followers. Narcissistic leadership is about reproduced copies, not about
originals. It is about the manipulation of symbols – not about veritable atavism
or true conservatism.
In short: narcissistic leadership is about theatre, not about life. To enjoy
the spectacle (and be subsumed by it), the leader demands the suspension of
judgment, depersonalization, and de-realization. Catharsis is tantamount, in this
narcissistic dramaturgy, to self-annulment.
Narcissism is nihilistic not only operationally, or ideologically. Its very
language and narratives are nihilistic. Narcissism is conspicuous nihilism – and
the cult's leader serves as a role model, annihilating the Man, only to re-appear
as a pre-ordained and irresistible force of nature.
Narcissistic leadership often poses as a rebellion against the "old ways" –
against the hegemonic culture, the upper classes, the established religions, the
superpowers, the corrupt order. Narcissistic movements are puerile, a reaction to
narcissistic injuries inflicted upon a narcissistic (and rather psychopathic)
toddler nation-state, or group, or upon the leader.
Minorities or "others" – often arbitrarily selected – constitute a perfect,
easily identifiable, embodiment of all that is "wrong". They are accused of being
old, they are eerily disembodied, they are cosmopolitan, they are part of the
establishment, they are "decadent", they are hated on religious and socio-economic
grounds, or because of their race, sexual orientation, origin … They are
different, they are narcissistic (feel and act as morally superior), they are
everywhere, they are defenceless, they are credulous, they are adaptable (and thus
can be co-opted to collaborate in their own destruction). They are the perfect
hate figure. Narcissists thrive on hatred and pathological envy.
This is precisely the source of the fascination with Hitler, diagnosed by Erich
Fromm – together with Stalin – as a malignant narcissist. He was an inverted
human. His unconscious was his conscious. He acted out our most repressed drives,
fantasies, and wishes. He provides us with a glimpse of the horrors that lie
beneath the veneer, the barbarians at our personal gates, and what it was like
before we invented civilization. Hitler forced us all through a time warp and many
did not emerge. He was not the devil. He was one of us. He was what Arendt aptly
called the banality of evil. Just an ordinary, mentally disturbed, failure, a
member of a mentally disturbed and failing nation, who lived through disturbed and
failing times. He was the perfect mirror, a channel, a voice, and the very depth
of our souls.
The narcissistic leader prefers the sparkle and glamour of well-orchestrated
illusions to the tedium and method of real accomplishments. His reign is all smoke
and mirrors, devoid of substances, consisting of mere appearances and mass
delusions. In the aftermath of his regime – the narcissistic leader having died,
been deposed, or voted out of office – it all unravels. The tireless and constant
prestidigitation ceases and the entire edifice crumbles. What looked like an
economic miracle turns out to have been a fraud-laced bubble. Loosely-held empires
disintegrate. Laboriously assembled business conglomerates go to pieces. "Earth
shattering" and "revolutionary" scientific discoveries and theories are
discredited. Social experiments end in mayhem.
It is important to understand that the use of violence must be ego-syntonic. It
must accord with the self-image of the narcissist. It must abet and sustain his
grandiose fantasies and feed his sense of entitlement. It must conform with the
narcissistic narrative.
Thus, a narcissist who regards himself as the benefactor of the poor, a member
of the common folk, the representative of the disenfranchised, the champion of the
dispossessed against the corrupt elite – is highly unlikely to use violence at
first.
The pacific mask crumbles when the narcissist has become convinced that the
very people he purported to speak for, his constituency, his grassroots fans, the
prime sources of his narcissistic supply – have turned against him. At first, in a
desperate effort to maintain the fiction underlying his chaotic personality, the
narcissist strives to explain away the sudden reversal of sentiment. "The people
are being duped by (the media, big industry, the military, the elite, etc.)",
"they don't really know what they are doing", "following a rude awakening, they
will revert to form", etc.
When these flimsy attempts to patch a tattered personal mythology fail – the
narcissist is injured. Narcissistic injury inevitably leads to narcissistic rage
and to a terrifying display of unbridled aggression. The pent-up frustration and
hurt translate into devaluation. That which was previously idealized – is now
discarded with contempt and hatred.
This primitive defense mechanism is called "splitting". To the narcissist,
things and people are either entirely bad (evil) or entirely good. He projects
onto others his own shortcomings and negative emotions, thus becoming a totally
good object. A narcissistic leader is likely to justify the butchering of his own
people by claiming that they intended to kill him, undo the revolution, devastate
the economy, or the country, etc.
The "small people", the "rank and file", the "loyal soldiers" of the narcissist
– his flock, his nation, his employees – they pay the price. The disillusionment
and disenchantment are agonizing. The process of reconstruction, of rising from
the ashes, of overcoming the trauma of having been deceived, exploited and
manipulated – is drawn-out. It is difficult to trust again, to have faith, to
love, to be led, to collaborate. Feelings of shame and guilt engulf the erstwhile
followers of the narcissist. This is his sole legacy: a massive post-traumatic
stress disorder.
DISCLAIMER
I am not a mental health professional. Still, I have dedicated the last 12
years to the study of personality disorders in general and the Narcissistic
Personality Disorder (NPD) in particular. I have authored nine (9) books about
these topics, one of which is a Barnes and Noble best-seller ("Malignant
Self-love: Narcissism Revisited"). My work is widely cited in scholarly tomes and
publications and in the media. My books and the content of my Web site are based
on correspondence since 1996 with hundreds of people suffering from the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (narcissists) and with thousands of their family
members, friends, therapists, and colleagues.
Sam Vaknin
is the author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited
and After the Rain – How the West Lost the East as well as many other books
and ebooks about topics in psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics,
and international affairs. He served as a columnist for Central Europe
Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, eBookWeb , and Bellaonline, and as a
United Press International (UPI) Senior Business Correspondent. He was the
editor of mental health and Central East Europe categories in The Open
Directory and Suite101. Visit Sam's Web site at
http://samvak.tripod.com
You can download 30 of his free ebooks in
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/freebooks.html
.
"... His posture and his body language were louder than his empty words. ..."
"... One must never underestimate the manipulative genius of pathological narcissists. They project such an imposing personality that it overwhelms those around them. Charmed by the charisma of the narcissist, people become like clay in his hands. They cheerfully do his bidding and delight to be at his service. The narcissist shapes the world around himself and reduces others in his own inverted image. He creates a cult of personality. His admirers become his co-dependents. ..."
"... Narcissists have no interest in things that do not help them to reach their personal objective. They are focused on one thing alone and that is power. All other issues are meaningless to them and they do not want to waste their precious time on trivialities. Anything that does not help them is beneath them and do not deserve their attention. ..."
Dr. Vaknin states "I must confess I was impressed by Sen. Barack
Obama from the first time I saw him. At first I was excited to see a black
candidate. He looked youthful, spoke well, appeared to be confident - a wholesome
presidential package. I was put off soon, not just because of his shallowness
but also because there was an air of haughtiness in his demeanor that was
unsettling. His posture and his body language were louder than his empty
words.
Obama's speeches are unlike any political speech we have heard in American
history. Never a politician in this land had such quasi "religious" impact
on so many people. The fact that Obama is a total incognito with zero accomplishment,
makes this inexplicable infatuation alarming. Obama is not an ordinary man.
He is not a genius. In fact he is quite ignorant on most important subjects.
Barack Obama is a narcissist. Dr. Sam Vaknin, the author of
the Malignant Self Love believes "Barack Obama appears to be a narcissist."
Vaknin is a world authority on narcissism. He understands narcissism and
describes the inner mind of a narcissist like no other person. When he talks
about narcissism everyone listens.
Vaknin says that Obama's language, posture and demeanor, and the testimonies
of his closest, dearest and nearest suggest that the Senator is either a
narcissist or he may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Narcissists
project a grandiose but false image of themselves.
....All these men had
a tremendous influence over their fanciers. They created a personality cult
around themselves and with their blazing speeches elevated their admirers,
filled their hearts with enthusiasm and instilled in their minds a new zest
for life. They gave them hope! They promised them the moon, but alas, invariably
they brought them to their doom.
When you are a victim of a cult of personality, you don't know it until it
is too late. One determining factor in the development of NPD is childhood
abuse. "Obama's early life was decidedly chaotic and replete with traumatic
and mentally bruising dislocations," says Vaknin.
"Mixed-race marriages were even less common then. His parents went
through a divorce when he was an infant (two years old). Obama saw his
father only once again, before he died in a car accident. Then his mother
re-married and Obama had to relocate to Indonesia, a foreign
land with a radically foreign culture, to be raised by a step-father.
At the age of ten, he was whisked off to live with his maternal (white)
grandparents. He saw his mother only intermittently in the following few
years and then she vanished from his life in 1979. She died of cancer
in 1995".
One must never underestimate the manipulative genius of pathological
narcissists. They project such an imposing personality that it overwhelms
those around them. Charmed by the charisma of the narcissist, people become
like clay in his hands. They cheerfully do his bidding and delight to be
at his service. The narcissist shapes the world around himself and reduces
others in his own inverted image. He creates a cult of personality. His admirers
become his co-dependents.
Narcissists have no interest in things that do not help them to reach
their personal objective. They are focused on one thing alone and that is
power. All other issues are meaningless to them and they do not want to waste
their precious time on trivialities. Anything that does not help them is
beneath them and do not deserve their attention.
Even as the comet that is The Donald continues to streak across the political sky-as babes peer in
wonder out their windows, dogs bay in fear in the night and scholars debate the source of the great
apparition-it's worth taking a moment to feel some compassion for the man who's causing all the mischief.
The fact is, it can't be easy to wake up every day and discover that you're still Donald Trump. You
were Trump yesterday, you're Trump today, and barring some extraordinary development, you'll be Trump
tomorrow.
There are, certainly, compensations to being Donald Trump. You're fabulously wealthy; you have
a lifetime pass to help yourself to younger and younger wives, even as you get older and older-a
two-way Benjamin Button dynamic that is equal parts enviable and grotesque. You own homes in Manhattan;
Palm Beach; upstate New York; Charlottesville, Virginia; and Rancho Palos Verdes, California; and
you're free to bunk down in a grand suite in practically any hotel, apartment building or resort
that flies the Trump flag, anywhere on the planet-and there are a lot of them.
But none of that changes the reality of waking up every morning, looking in the bathroom mirror,
and seeing Donald Trump staring back at you. And no, it's not the hair; that, after all, is a choice-one
that may be hard for most people to understand, but a choice all the same, and there's a certain
who-asked-you confidence in continuing to make it. The problem with being Trump is the same thing
that explains the enormous fame and success of Trump: a naked neediness, a certain shamelessness,
an insatiable hunger to be the largest, loudest, most honkingly conspicuous presence in any room-the
great, braying Trumpness of Trump-and that's probably far less of a revel than it seems.
Contented people, well-grounded people, people at ease inside their skin, just don't behave the
way Trump does. The shorthand-and increasingly lazy-description for Trump in recent weeks is that
he is the id
of the Republican party, and there's some truth in that. Trump indeed appears to be emotionally
incontinent, a man wholly without-you should pardon the expression-any psychic sphincter. The boundary
most people draw between thought and speech, between emotion and action, does not appear to exist
for Trump. He says what he wants to say, insults whom he wants to insult, and never, ever considers
apology or retreat.
But that's not someone driven by the pleasures of the id-which, whatever else you can say about
it, is a thing of happy appetites and uncaring impulses. It's far more someone driven by the rage
and pain and emotional brittleness of narcissism, and everywhere in Trump's life are the signs of
what a fraught state of mind that can be.
There is Trump's compulsive use of superlatives-especially when he's talking about his own accomplishments.
Maybe what he's building or selling really is the greatest, the grandest, the biggest, the best,
but if that's so, let the product do the talking. If it can't, maybe it ain't so great.
There's the compulsive promotion of the Trump name. Other giants of commerce and industry use
their own names sparingly-even when they're businesspeople who have the opportunity to turn themselves
from a person into a brand. There is no GatesWare software, no BezosBooks.com; it's not Zuckerbook
you log onto a dozen times a day.
But the Trump name is everywhere in the Trump world, and there's a reason for that. You can look
at something you've built with quiet pride and know it's yours, or you can look at it worriedly,
insecurely, fretting that someone, somewhere may not know that you created it-diminishing you in
the process. And so you stamp what you build with two-story letters identifying who you are- like
a child writing his name on a baseball glove-just to make sure there's no misunderstanding.
On occasion, there is an almost-almost-endearing cluelessness to the primal way Trump
signals his pride in himself. He poses for pictures with his suit jacket flaring open, his hands
on his hips, index and ring fingers pointing inevitably groinward-a great-ape fitness and genital
display if ever there was one. After he bought the moribund Gulf+Western Building in New York City's
Columbus Circle, covered it in gold-colored glass, converted it into a luxury hotel and residence,
and reinforced it with steel and concrete to make it less subject to swaying in the wind, Trump boasted
to The New York Times that it was going to be "the stiffest building in the city." If he
was aware of his own psychic subtext, he gave no indication.
It's not just real estate Trump seeks to own or at least control. There was his attempt to trademark
the words "You're fired," after they became a catchphrase on his reality show, The Apprentice.
There was his offer to donate $5 million to a charity of President Obama's choosing if Obama would
release his college transcripts to him, Donald Trump. In both cases, Trump wants something-possession,
attention, the obeisance of no less than the President-and so he demands it. The behavior is less
id than infant-the most narcissistic stage of the human life cycle.
The petulance of Trump's public feuds-with Rosie ODonnell ("a total loser"), Seth Meyers ("He's
a stutterer"), Robert De Niro ("We're not dealing with Albert Einstein") and Arianna Huffington,
("Unattractive both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man
. . .")-is wholly of a piece with the fragility of the narcissistic ego. In Trump's imaginings, it
is Fox News's Megyn Kelly who owes him an apology for asking pointed questions during the Republican
debate, not Trump who owes Kelly an apology for his boorish behavior and
school-yard Tweets ("Wow,
@ megynkelly really
bombed tonight. People are going wild on twitter! Funny to watch"). As for his sneering misogyny-his
reference to blood coming out of Kelly's "wherever"? Nothing to see here. It's Jeb Bush
who really should apologize to women for his comments about defunding Planned Parenthood.
Trump was right on that score; Bush was indeed clueless to suggest that the annual cost of protecting
women's health should not be as high as $500 million-or just over $3.14 per American woman per year.
So Bush did what people with at least some humility do: He acknowledged his mistake and
at least tried to qualify the statement. That option, however, is closed for the narcissist.
The overweening ego that defines the condition is often just a bit of misdirection intended to conceal
the exact opposite-a deep well of insecurity and even self-loathing. Any admission of wrong shatters
that masquerade.
To call Donald Trump a narcissist is, of course, to state the clinically obvious. There
is the egotism of narcissism, the grandiosity of narcissism, the social obtuseness of narcissism.
But if Trump is an easy target, he is also a pitiable one. Narcissism isn't easy, it isn't fun, it
isn't something to be waved off as a personal shortcoming that hurts only the narcissists themselves,
any more than you can look at the drunk or philanderer or compulsive gambler and not see grief and
regret in his future.
For now, yes, the Trump show is fun to watch. It will be less so if the carnival barker
with his look-at-me antics continues to distract people from a serious discussion of important issues.
It will be less still if Trump actually does wind up as the nominee of a major political party or
mounts an independent campaign and succeeds in tipping the vote one way or the other.
But that kind of triumph is not the fate that awaits most narcissists. Their act becomes
old, their opponents become bold, and the audience-inevitably-moves onto something else. Trump the
phenomenon will surely become Trump the afterthought. He is a man who desperately hungers for respect
and attention and who, by dint of that very desperation, will likely wind up with neither. The pain
will be his; the relief will be ours.
There's more than a few examples of the archetype doing the rounds at the moment, from the three
lovably awful kids in Amazon's brilliant "Transparent" to the title character of Alex Ross Perry's
brilliant "Listen Up Philip," which opened in limited release last Friday and will continue to expand
in the coming weeks. Said archetype is of course often complex, and "asshole" frequently doesn't
cover it. These characters often are masking deep pain, insecurity, self-doubt and or misplaced arrogance.
But we know these types and while often not likable, they're real and often quite hilariously awful.
So, to mark the release of "Listen Up Philip," which features a deliciously prickly Jason Schwartzman
in the lead as a egocentric young writer who damages all his relationships, romantic or otherwise,
we thought we'd pick out ten of our favorite self-absorbed, unpleasant and yet curiously watchable
characters to go alongside his great turn in the aforementioned film. It should be noted that most
of our examples come from the last decade or two, but that's not entirely surprising, given that
we're arguably living in the most self-obsessed, insular age in human history (this is of course
the era of the selfie). Take a look at our picks below, and let us know your favorites in the comments
section.
Sweet and Lowdown
Sean Penn as Emmett Ray in "Sweet & Lowdown" (2000)
Woody Allen is an obvious touchstone for "Listen Up Philip" ("Husbands And Wives" is named specifically
by Ross Perry, and Sydney Pollack's character in that arguably qualifies for this list too), and
Allen's certainly representative of self-absorption. But none of his creations have been more self-absorbed,
or more asshole-y, than Sean Penn's central figure in "Sweet & Lowdown." The role of Emmet Ray, a
reasonably well-known, heavy-drinking, scumbag of a jazz guitarist whose life is continually overshadowed
by that of his idol Django Reinhardt, was originally penned by Allen (under the original title of
"The Jazz Baby," back in the early 1970s) to be played by the writer/director, but after nearly thirty
years in a drawer, went to Penn (though Johnny Depp was also reportedly considered). And it's hard
to imagine anyone doing a better job. Penn brings a mix of swagger and deeply insecure neuroticism
that makes him very much a creation of Allen, but one that doesn't simply echo the filmmaker in the
manner of so many of his leading-men surrogates. As with the lead of another later film about a guitarist,
the Coens' "Inside Llewyn Davis," Ray is talented, but enough of a fuck-up (drunken, a sometime pimp,
kind of a coward, tight with money, and with a self-inflated view of his own "genius") that he'll
never make the kind of impact that he'd like to. And when potential redemption comes along in the
shape of Samantha Morton's sweet, mute Hattie, he throws it away in order to marry socialite Uma
Thurman. And when he's dumped by her, he's stunned when Hattie's moved on. He's almost irredeemably
awful, and yet Penn's performance, one of his very best, manages to find pathos, as well as a pleasing
level of comedy, in the character, the kind of thing the actor doesn't get to do enough.
The Life Aquatic
Bill Murray as Steve Zissou in "The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou" (2004)
Wes Anderson characters can generally be grouped under the banner of "self-regarding" to one degree
or another, from Max in "Rushmore" to even the animated Mr. Fox. But his prize asshole might just
be Steve Zissou, in Anderson's fourth film. An oceanographer and documentary maker modelled loosely
after Jacques Cousteau, Zissou is a man whose limited fame and prestige has gone very much to his
head, who drags his inexplicably loyal crew on an Ahab-ish revenge trip against the shark that ate
his long-time partner (Seymour Cassel). He has a certain affection for the people he travels with
(he does at least launch a rescue mission when even hated insurance company employee Bud Cort is
captured by pirates), but is resolutely unlovable otherwise, particularly in his relations with basically
everyone, from consistently hitting on pregnant reporter Jane (Cate Blanchett), treating Klaus (Willem
Dafoe) like a bullied lapdog, or feuding childishly with his maybe-son Ned (Owen Wilson), who's eventually
killed in a helicopter crash on the hunt for the shark. Anderson's characters, even cantankerous
assholes like Royal Tenenbaum, usually find some form of redemption, but there's surprisingly little
for Zissou: Ned, who turns out not to be his son anyway, dies, and Zissou is once again acclaimed
at a film festival for his finished picture. It's a decidedly sour note, and perhaps one of the reasons
that the lavish, lovingly made 'Aquatic' is possibly Anderson's least-loved picture.
The Social Network
Jesse Eisenberg as Mark Zuckerberg in "The Social Network" (2010)
"You're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like because you're a nerd," says Rooney
Mara's Erica to Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) at the beginning of David Fincher's Aaron Sorkin
penned "The Social Network." "And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won't
be true. It'll be because you're an asshole." And it's perfect introduction to the condescending,
snobbish, ambitious, narcisisstic founder of Facebook, the website that will eventually make him
a billionaire.
And as the film goes on, Zuckerberg never exactly improves: he creates an insulting
blog about Erica, hacks into Harvard's network to steal photos of women to let people rate their
attractiveness, possibly steals the idea for his site from a trio of other students, freezes out
best friend Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield), and ends up rich but estranged, endlessly refreshing
his friend request to Erica. He's selfish, self-regarding, prickly and defensive, but in the hands
of Eisenberg's meticulous, brilliant performance, you can also see why.
He embodies the true revenge
of the nerds, a twisted and bitter one, but he's only that way because that's what he thinks he has
to be. As his attorney, Marylin (Rashida Jones) tells him at the film's conclusion, "you're not an
asshole, Mark. You're just trying so hard to be."
A Fish Called Wanda
Kevin Kline as Otto in "A Fish Called Wanda" (1988)
Self-absorption is often something that seems to come with intellect, as demonstrated by the characters
on this list. Many of these figures genuinely are the smartest person in the room and treat anyone
they deem not to be on their level with according levels of contempt. Otto, in "A Fish Called Wanda,"
is something slightly different, and all the funnier for it: he's a moron who only thinks he's the
smartest person in the room. The result, unusually for a broad comedy like Charles Crichton's 1988
hit (penned by co-star John Cleese), won Kevin Kline a Best Supporting Actor Oscar. The character
is the film's secret weapon, a borderline psychotic, Limey-hating dimwit with a severe inferiority
complex, which manifests in his continual threats to those around not to call him stupid. But as
his lover Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) tells him, "I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn
dresses with higher IQs." Otto is a man who thinks "the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived,"
that the central message of Buddhism is "every man for himself," and that the London Underground
is a political movement. He's the ultimate Ugly American abroad ("you are the vulgarian, you fuck,"
he tells Cleese's Archie when he calls him on his swearing), a terrible driver with the most hilarious
off-putting cum face in cinematic history, and a total tour de force from Kline that still remains
the actor's finest hour. He's the truly hateable kind of asshole in the best possible way. It says
it all that, after somehow surviving being run over by a steamroller, he becomes Minister of Justice
in apartheid-era South Africa…
Young Adult
Charlize Theron as Mavis Gary in "Young Adult" (2011)
Arguably Jason Reitman's best film to date, a brilliant gender-swapped inversion of the arrested-development
theme that's dominated the comedy movie in the last decade or so, "Young Adult" revolves around a
titanic performance from Charlize Theron, playing one of the most unrepentantly unlikable, unchangeable
characters in recent cinema. Theron, arguably in a career-best turn, plays Mavis, a divorced writer
of the teen-aimed books whose series has just been cancelled. On a whim, she returns to her small
Minnesota hometown in an attempt to win back her high-school sweetheart (Patrick Wilson), who's just
a had baby with his wife (Elizabeth Reaser). Mavis is clearly having some kind of deluded break with
reality, but part of the brilliance of Theron's performance is how unquestioning she is of herself:
a Mean Girl grown up, chasing simpler times when she ruled the world, and prepared to do just about
anything to get there. Theron never courts your sympathy, but there's still a deep sadness in Mavis'
absolute lack of self-reflection, not least when she's comes close to a breakthrough, only to be
talked out of it by one of her few remaining admirers (a brilliant Colette Wolfe). People talked
about her bravery in changing her appearance for her Oscar-winning turn in "Monster," but there's
just as little vanity in her performance here, and the film simply wouldn't work without her.
Baumbach Squid
The Assorted Jerks Of Noah Baumbach
Another obvious touchstone for "Listen Up Philip," Noah Baumbach is arguably, and we mean this in
the nicest way possible, the king of the self-absorbed asshole. In fact, we decided to amalgamate
his collected jerks into one selection, because otherwise it could have taken up half of the entire
list. The filmmaker's been interested in the archetype ever since his debut "Kicking And Screaming,"
about chronically procrastinating recent college grads, but (after co-writing the script for two
of Wes Anderson's most self-absorbed characters with "The Life Aquatic" and "Fantastic Mr. Fox")
reached something of a zenith with what we like to call 'The Asshole Trilogy' : "The Squid & The
Whale," "Margot At The Wedding" and "Greenberg." 'Squid' is the best, as we gradually see the effects
of self-absorbed, generally toxic novelist Bernard (Jeff Daniels) on his son (Jesse Eisenberg) during
the parents' bitter divorce, ending movingly with Walt rejecting the Way Of The Jerk. 2007's 'Margot'
was disliked by many at the time, but has only grown in stature, with Nicole Kidman's brittle, sharp
turn proving to be a perfect fit for the filmmakers' world-view, appalling (but still human) as she
takes her frustrations in life out on her son. 2010's "Greenberg" is the least of the three, despite
a raw and uncompromising performance by Ben Stiller in the title role, a thwarted man-child who can't
see much beyond his own needs and worldview. The three films aren't the easiest watch (no wonder
that Baumbach's next film, the delightful "Frances Ha," felt like such a breath of fresh air), but
together do a pretty great job at encapsulating the era of mammoth selfishness.
Roger Dodger
Campbell Scott as Roger Swanson in "Roger Dodger" (2002)
Jesse Eisenberg makes another appearance on this list (his more malevolent side in the recent "The
Double" could also have qualified), but for once, he's not the asshole. That would be Campbell Scott,
who is remarkably brilliant in Dylan Kidd's minor classic "Roger Dodger." Scott plays the titular
Roger Swanson, a New York ad-man who's asked by his 16-year-old nephew to help him learn how to seduce
women so he can lose his virginity. Roger's a self-described player and essentially a misogynist,
and attempts to induct his young relative in what he describes as essentially a war of the sexes.
A smarmy early '00s precursor to today's pick-up artist scumbags, Roger doesn't have the charm that
he thinks he does, particularly given that he's in an unacknowledged meltdown after being dumped
by lover/boss Isabella Rosselini. Like many such people, he hates almost everyone around him, but
no one brings out quite so much bile in him as himself, and it's this brilliant duality that makes
the performance one of Scott's best. Kidd's film is a woozy, witty examination of sex and masculinity,
and though it missteps a little towards the end in offering something of a redemption for the character,
it still gave us one of the more iconic cinematic douchebags of the last couple of decades.
Rachel Getting Married
Anne Hathaway as Kym in "Rachel Getting Married" (2008)
We think of being an asshole as a specifically male trait, but we've already seen with "Young Adult"
and "Margot At The Wedding" that there's no gender divide. "Rachel Getting Married" is another great
example, one that's arguably sadder and psychologically richer than either. Jonathan Demme's film
stars a revelatory Anne Hathaway as Kym, who returns home from drug rehab to attend the wedding of
her sister (Rosemarie DeWitt), only for the family's long-brushed-over painful past to emerge, as
it tends to do in movies like this one. Kym initially seems like a comically awful person, a selfish,
up-staging drug addict who hijacks the rehearsal dinner to make twelve-step apologies, and who seems
to delight in deliberately upsetting almost anyone in her family and not accepting any blame for
her actions. But over time, Kym richens, as we learn that she killed her younger brother in a car
accident when she was high, and while that itself is clearly a terrible and selfish action, it's
only continued to haunt her, and Hathaway is superb in painting a picture of a woman who longs to
be forgiven by people who would like to, but might just find it impossible. Demme and the movie never
let her off the hook, but that whatever small progress she might make happens at all feels all the
more moving for being so hard-won.
As Good As It Gets
Jack Nicholson in "As Good As It Gets" (1997)
Ol' Jack plays cantankerous assholes the way Tom Hanks plays nice guys or Tom Cruise plays people
who jumps off tall buildings: brilliantly, vigorously and frequently. In James L. Brooks' award-winning
rom-com, Nicholson builds on earlier performances like "Five Easy Pieces" "Carnal Knowledge" and
"Heartburn" to create something like a crown prince of unlikable fellas, OCD-suffering, racist, homophobic,
misogynist misanthrope novelist Melvin Udall, whose carefully controlled life is upended by the intervention
of gay neighbor Simon (Greg Kinnear), and single-mother waitress Carol (Helen Hunt). Nicholson might
be playing a slightly sitcom-ish, Archie Bunker-ish character, but the mix of his typical devilish
charm, smartly and sparingly used, and a detailed psychological realism that makes Melvin into more
than just an archetype, elevated the performance to Oscar-winning effect. Though of course it helps
that Nicholson is clearly relishing the lovingly and intricately-written speeches that he gets to
deploy ("never, never interrupt me, okay?," he tells Simon. "Not if there's a fire, not even if you
hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can
only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so
thick that you think you're going to faint"). There's a certain degree of cheesiness to the way that
Melvin softens up thanks to the love of a good woman, but Jack never makes you doubt it for a minute.
Last Days of Disco
The Many Assholes Of Whit Stillman
Like Baumbach, Whit Stillman is a director who's made a career with characters who can't quite see
past their own bubble of existence (and, usually, privilege), up to and including his current Amazon
pilot "The Cosmopolitans." The pattern began with his debut "Metropolitan," in which Stillman favorite
Chris Eigeman plays arguably the platonic ideal of the director's favorite archetype, a big-mouthed
upper-class cynic who one can imagine going into Wall Street and essentially becoming Patrick Bateman
in years to come ('"the surrealists were just bunch of social climbers," he condescendingly says
at one point). Follow-up "Barcelona" sees Eigeman in a similarly smug role, the ugly American abroad,
while "The Last Days Of Disco" sees Kate Beckinsale (who's fantastic here) as a particularly callow
example of the type ("remember the Woodstock generation of the 1960s that were so full of themselves
and conceited? None of them could dance," she tells someone at one point with the naivety of youth).
If one was ungenerous, one could argue that the narrow worldview of his films makes Stillman and
his archaic language rather self-absorbed himself, but that's a misreading: Stillman is ultimately
a social satirist, a sort of cinematic heir to Jane Austen (whose influence is felt in his most recent
picture, "Damsels In Distress," more than ever), savagely poking at the ridiculous attitudes and
views of his characters without ever quite judging them.
Honorable Mentions: There were various other possibilities that we dismissed as not quite being
quite the right brand of asshole for this specific theme: think of Kirk Douglas in "Ace In The Hole,"
Tony Curtis and Burt Lancaster in "Sweet Smell Of Success" (too toxic), even William Atherton in
"Die Hard" and "Ghostbusters" (which veers closer to a simple villain). Among the ones who came closest
to qualifying were Ed Norton and Micheal Keaton in "Birdman" (we wrote about their self-absorbed
asshole-ish tendencies here), Rachel McAdams in "Mean Girls," Matt Damon in "The Departed," Paul
Reiser in "Aliens," Aaron Eckhart in "In The Company Of Men," and Tom Hulce in "Amadeus," along with
both Jason Schwartzman's villain, and arguably Michael Cera's hero, in "Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World."
Any others? Let us know below
If you want observe people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or strong narcissistic
traits, look no further than your TV set. There are many memorable movie characters who display the
basic characteristics of narcissism: the grandiose and overinflated sense of self, lack of empathy,
exploitation of others with no remorse, and excessive self-focus. Listed below are some of the more
well-known narcissists portrayed in the movies:
Movie: The Devil Wears Prada
Played By: Meryl Streep
About: Now this is an NPD character that sticks with you.
Movie: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Played By: Kenneth Branagh
About: This is the definition of narcissism. Lockhart is hilarious. One of the comical moments from
the series is when Lockhart is talking to Harry during his detention and says "Fame is a fickle friend,
Harry. Celebrity is as celebrity does. Remember that." *turn and smile* He goes to such lengths as
to fake his fame and risk the deaths of many students just to keep his ego fed.
Movie: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Played By: Sam Rockwell
About: Zaphod (and Sam Rockwell) is great and Rockwell plays him well- he's fun for the role he has.
Movie: American Psycho
Played By: Christian Bale
About: Bale plays the role with what appears to be ease. He's a completely memorable character with
some very iconic scenes.
Movie: Dinner for Schmucks
Played By: Jemaine Clements
About: Whether or not you liked the movie, most have agreed that Jamaine Clements was the best part.
Movie: The American Pie Trilogy
Played By: Seann William Scott
About: Stifler thinks he's hot stuff, almost obnoxiously so. But he's not without his insecurities
underneath it all. He's probably not a true narcissist as the rest on this list–it's much more of
a front, at least partially. But there's no doubting he thinks highly of himself, and he's funny
while he thinks so.
Movie: Zoolander
Played By: Ben Stiller
About: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking.
And I plan on finding out what that is."
Movie: Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Get Him to the Greek
Played by: Russell Brand
About: Russell Brand was hilarious in them–clearly the best part of the movies.
Movie: The Princess Bride
Played By: Wallace Shawn
About: Vizzini: "I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains." Westley:
"You're that smart?" Vizzini: "Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?"
Westley: "Yes." Vizzini: "Morons."
Movie: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Played By: Will Ferrell
About: The narcissism is right there in the title of the film! He's a fun character, wrapped up in
his own little world.
MOVIE: Gaslight
Played by: Charles Boyer
ABOUT: This classic movie is where the term gaslighting comes from, to indicate how an N (or other
abuser) lies to you to make you doubt your experience of reality. Although the film is a bit dated
now (it was made in the 1940s) it is still extremely gripping and terrifying. The narcissist in this
film, Gregory Anton, is trying to deliberately send his new wife insane in order to inherit from
her. An absolute must-watch for anybody interest in learning more about malignant NPD.
MOVIE: Mommie Dearest
Played By: Faye Dunaway
ABOUT: A classic film. It's the real-life story of total narcissist Joan Crawford and her daughter
Christina. This is a chillingly accurate portrayal of the hell of being raised by a narcissist.
MOVIE: White Oleander
Played by: Michelle Pfeiffer
ABOUT: Michelle Pfeiffer plays the narcissistic mother in this amazing film, and by all accounts
does a terrific job.
MOVIE: Gone With the Wind
Played by: Vivien Leigh
ABOUT: Scarlett O'Hara is a total narcissist in this classic tale.
Other Movies Portraying Narcissistic Characters
• American Beauty (narcissistic mother)
• East of Eden (narcissistic father)
• Ordinary People (narcissistic mother)
• Mermaids (Cher as Mrs. Flax)
• Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? (narcissistic sister)
• Sybil (narcissistic mother)
• The Little Foxes (narcissistic mother)
• Flowers in the Attic (narcissistic mother)
• Matilda (both parents are narcissists)
• Coraline (both "other" parents are narcissists)
• Precious (narcissistic mother)
• Girl Interrupted (Angelina Jolie)
• Life or Something Like It (Angelina Jolie)
"... N would [even] lie when the truth would save his neck ..."
"... "I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About everything. And I often contradict myself. Why do I need to do this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation, gossip )." ..."
"... Because they're not genuinely interested in others, they're poor listeners ..."
"... They can be extremely mean-spirited (as in taking an almost perverse delight in raining on another's parade). ..."
"... They're untrustworthy: As one discussant bluntly puts it: "Don't tell them anything you aren't prepared to get shoved up your butt later ..."
"... Despite their self- confident , better-than-thou exterior, they often betray feelings of weakness, insecurity, inferiority, jealousy , and cowardice. One commenter even sums them up as "emotional cripples." ..."
"... What I, and others on this board, have learned from dealing with N bullies in our personal lives applies to terrorists. There can be no appeasement, no attempting to reason with them, no attempt to "fix" them, to unseat their deep-seated hatred, shame and envy. Sounds terribly harsh to the uninitiated, but not recognizing that can only lead to our own destruction. ..."
"... Looking back on ALL the Ns I've ever known and merged with, I see there WERE signs within minutes of meeting the N that they were grossly selfish, immoral, sex -addicted or [that] something was definitely 'off' [about them]. I didn't honour my intuition, gut feelings and instinct. The truth is that I had almost no experience setting healthy boundaries. ..."
Of all the oppressive, crazy-making features of the narcissist, the one perhaps most frequently cited
is their exasperating dishonesty. And such untruthfulness has at times led their no-longer-so-gullible
victims to describe them as con artists. Here's a highly selective sampling of such complaints:
"The lies, the
flirting, the lies,
the comparing, the lies, the ambivalence, the lies, the belittling, the lies, the teasing, the
lies, the built up promises, the lies, the setting up for disappointment. Did I mention the lies?"
[!]
"I had never known a real con man in my life. I thought only the stupid or elderly got
suckered."
"They memorize
body language
and can spot a person who might feel a little vulnerable a mile away."
"My ex-husband used to tell HUGE lies about me. Lies that always made ME look bad and HIM
look like a martyr (when the opposite was true). I didn't realize this until AFTER we separated
and, Boy, was it devastating! I thought that I knew ALL the horrors, to find out there were even
more. . . . I didn't think I could take the pain!"
[And, particularly, note this striking observation on the narcissist's incorrigible habit
of prevarication-which is in line with the substantial literature linking the so-called "pathological
liar" with the narcissist]: "N would [even] lie when the truth would save his
neck."
The controversial Dr. Sam Vaknin, creator of this forum on narcissism and himself a self-confessed
NPD, has written profusely-at times, brilliantly-on the subject. In his article "Pseudologica Fantastica,"
he freely admits:
"I lie. Compulsively and needlessly. All the time. About everything. And I often
contradict myself. Why do I need to do this? To make myself interesting or attractive. In other
words, to secure narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation,
gossip)."
... ... ...
Below, I'll summarize some other distressing characteristics of the narcissist regularly alluded
to by their victims:
Because they're not genuinely interested in others, they're poor listeners. Though
it can seem that they're listening attentively, they're unable to accurately repeat back
what was said to them.
Calculating how every situation might benefit (or disadvantage) them, there's almost always
an ulterior motive behind what they say or do.
They can be extremely mean-spirited (as in taking an almost perverse delight in raining
on another's parade).
They're untrustworthy: As one discussant bluntly puts it: "Don't tell them anything
you aren't prepared to get shoved up your butt later . . . or down your throat, or in your
heart in the form of a dagger. And of course there are those things you tell them that you have
to be prepared to have TWISTED into things they can shove…".
Despite their self-confident,
better-than-thou exterior, they often betray feelings of weakness, insecurity, inferiority,
jealousy, and cowardice.
One commenter even sums them up as "emotional cripples."
If they're far out on the narcissistic continuum, they can't be changed-and certainly not
by their partners. Here's the most pointed (and painful) description of the futility of even
trying to alter their behavior: "What I, and others on this board, have learned from
dealing with N bullies in our personal lives applies to terrorists. There can be no appeasement,
no attempting to reason with them, no attempt to "fix" them, to unseat their deep-seated hatred,
shame and envy.
Sounds terribly harsh to the uninitiated, but not recognizing that can only lead to our own destruction."
The one consolation for victims of the narcissist's "dagger" (or "vampirish teeth") is the hard-won
insights they eventually gain, which makes it possible for at least some of them to repudiate a relationship
that's been so toxic to them. Again, in their own (sadder-but-wiser) words:
"Looking back on ALL the Ns I've ever known and merged with, I see there WERE signs within
minutes of meeting the N that they were grossly selfish, immoral,
sex-addicted or [that]
something was definitely 'off' [about them]. I didn't honour my intuition,
gut feelings and
instinct. The truth is that I had almost no experience setting healthy boundaries."
"Staying with an N, or making contact with an ex-N, is like putting your hands directly on
a hot stovetop to warm them. It will "work" for five seconds before it scalds you."
"... The entitlement surge of subtle narcissism is a bit like the normally happy drunk suddenly becoming surly and going on a bender, cleaning out the liquor cabinets and storming off to buy more booze. ..."
"... Your partner begins complaining about the messy house after your pregnancy, feeling he works hard enough that he deserves to come home to a clean house.... ..."
...narcissism is marked by an entitlement surge-those moments when a normally understanding
friend or partner or coworker angrily behaves as if the world owes them. It's usually triggered
by a sudden fear that their special status has been threatened in some way. Until this point,
their need for the world to revolve around them is mostly under wraps, because it hasn't been
called into question. Kevin didn't ask for Sherry's support or even try to understand how hard
her year after her mother's death had been. In his mind, he deserved her full understanding
because he felt so close to his dream of a becoming a law partner.
The entitlement surge of subtle narcissism is a bit like the normally happy drunk suddenly
becoming surly and going on a bender, cleaning out the liquor cabinets and storming off to buy
more booze. Your usually affable boss suddenly tears into you, worried that the latest
project (his idea) is failing. Unbeknownst to you, he's secretly had plans to become the CEO ever
since he arrived. Your partner begins complaining about the messy house after your pregnancy,
feeling he works hard enough that he deserves to come home to a clean house....
... ... ...
To read more about subtle (and dangerous) narcissism, including specific, research-backed
strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking
Narcissism (link is
external) today.
"... The other narcissist is my mother. For years I lived in terror of her rages, and how the family pretty much revolves around her. I didn't understand how a parent could be so cruel, and assume everyone else was a bad person. ..."
"... As far as healthy narcissism goes, it's something I'm working on. My mother has stripped all of our self-esteem, as she relishes putting loved one's fault under the microscope as often and loudly as possible. I grew up with massive amounts of fear and anxiety assuming everyone was very concerned about every minor mistake I made. I wish I had worked on this earlier. Mom taught me how to make a mountain out of a tiny molehill. ..."
"... It's true, many children who've lived with extremely narcissistic parents--and I count myself among them--grow up to struggle with a more generous self-image. ..."
Narcissism has never been an official mental health disorder. Narcissist isn't a recognized
diagnostic descriptor either; it's shorthand for someone who scores higher than the average on
narcissism measures and may or may not be disordered
...It's a mistake to talk about "symptoms of narcissism." What people usually mean is symptoms
of pathological narcissism or NPD.
Anonymous on February 17, 2016 - 9:04am
I have two narcissists in my family. One borders on sociopathy so I avoid her, she scares
me. The other narcissist is my mother. For years I lived in terror of her rages, and how
the family pretty much revolves around her. I didn't understand how a parent could be so
cruel, and assume everyone else was a bad person.
But now that can attach a label to the problem and get a better understanding of what is
happening and why, I can create much better boundaries and sit back and watch the crazy
unfold. My mother is pretty frustrated that her usual tricks aren't having the impact on me
that they once did.
As far as healthy narcissism goes, it's something I'm working on. My mother has stripped
all of our self-esteem, as she relishes putting loved one's fault under the microscope as
often and loudly as possible. I grew up with massive amounts of fear and anxiety assuming
everyone was very concerned about every minor mistake I made. I wish I had worked on this
earlier. Mom taught me how to make a mountain out of a tiny molehill.
Craig Malkin PhD on February 19, 2016
It sounds like you've been through hell
And come back. It's true, many children who've lived with extremely narcissistic
parents--and I count myself among them--grow up to struggle with a more generous self-image.
It's like we swallow that parent whole, their voice plaguing us at every turn. It's hard work
silencing that inner critic. But that's the task -- well worth undertaking-- of overcoming
echoism and finding our voices. I wish you well in continuing to find yours.
"... In fact, one of their central defenses (or stratagems) is to endlessly project onto others the very flaws (and fears!) they're unable, or unwilling, to allow into awareness. ..."
"... "Narcissists are great con-artists. After all, they succeed in deluding themselves! As a result, very few professionals see through them." ~ ..."
"... most therapists learn quickly enough the signs and signals that give away a narcissistic patient (e.g., regularly blaming others for their problems, taking very little responsibility for why their lives aren't working, telling them how to do therapy , ..."
Curiously, deep, deep down-and undoubtedly unconscious to them-they know they're not really what
they project. In fact, one of their central defenses (or stratagems) is to endlessly project
onto others the very flaws (and fears!) they're unable, or unwilling, to allow into awareness.
As critical as they are about others' shortcomings, they're amazingly blind to their own. (And in
this respect, the reader might take a look at my earlier piece, "The
Narcissist's Dilemma: They Can Dish It Out, But . . . ").
... ... ...
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." ~ Oscar Wilde
Although as stated, this quote is undoubtedly ambiguous, the term "romance" leads me to believe
that Wilde's notion of self-love leans toward the pathological-and maybe the auto-erotic as well.
But healthy self-love really has very little to do with the romantic: it's grounded in positive self-regard
and an acceptance of one's flaws and frailties. On the contrary, being "in love with" oneself (as
implied by Wilde's quote) suggests a self-absorption that can only be detrimental to narcissists
in their relationships with others. In fact, one of the most common descriptions of unhealthy narcissism
emphasizes their inability to care about other people-apart, that is, from how these others might
satisfy the demands of their (insatiable) egos.
"Half the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important. They
don't mean to do harm, but the harm [that they cause] does not interest them. Or they do not see
it, or they justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves."
~ T. S. Eliot
This quote makes a vital distinction between narcissists' being malevolent (cf. the sociopath)
and their simply lacking concern about how their behaviors might adversely affect others. It's yet
another way of drawing attention to their supreme self-absorption, which makes it impossible for
them to empathically identify with another's feelings, Most of the time they don't consciously intend
to take advantage of others. Such exploitation is merely a side effect of their overriding need to
feel more important and better than others-and so feel "good enough." Nonetheless, their insensitivity
to the wants and needs of those around them can at times be nothing less than astonishing.
... ... ...
"Narcissists are great con-artists. After all, they succeed in deluding themselves! As a
result, very few professionals see through them." ~ anonymous.
This statement seems somewhat exaggerated to me. For most therapists learn quickly enough the
signs and signals that give away a narcissistic patient (e.g., regularly blaming others for their
problems, taking very little responsibility for why their lives aren't working, telling them
how to do therapy,
etc.).
Still, the quote is instructive in pointing out not only the enormous self-deception in the way
narcissists see themselves, but also their singular expertise in deceiving others. Speaking with
bogus authority, they typically have an excellent track record in getting others to see things as
they do, even though the result to those so taken in can be disastrous (e.g., being persuaded to
make a truly ill-considered investment).
All of which is to say that-on many different levels-getting involved with a narcissist can be
as dangerous as a snake bite. And the unexpected sting of it all can, alas, last a good deal longer.
Note 1: In examining literally hundreds of quotes for this post, I came across
many that centered not anywhere so much on the narcissist as on their hapless victims. Consequently,
my next post will explore the damage that narcissists-especially those far out on the narcissistic
continuum -do to those who unwittingly put their trust in them. It's called
"The Vampire's Bite: Victims of Narcissists Speak Out."
Note 2: If you'd like to explore other posts I've written on narcissism, here
are the links:
The site is down as domain name expired, so the article is reproduced in full. The same Idealize-seduce-devalue-discard
cycle is used by narcissists for subordinates.
Have you ever watched someone perform a
card trick which appeared
to be magic? Has
anyone ever explained a 'magic' card trick so that suddenly you understood how it worked and why
you were fooled by it in the first place? Have you ever experienced the 'Aha!' moment which comes
after dissecting the steps of a card trick?
The Narcissist's Seduction
is a card trick. (Please note that while using the term narcissist, I am also referring
to Antisocial
personality disorder, sociopaths,
psychopaths, as all these
disorders seem to bleed into each other in the middle and all perform many of the same card tricks.)
Before you know that it is a trick, it appears to be magic. Once you've been fooled,
however, you can dissect the layers and see exactly how the narcissist deceived you and with what
ease you were deceived.
While the Narcissist performs his card trick of
seduction upon you, the world
around you, once gray and common, becomes magical. You would never guess that the very special
relationship you
are developing with the narcissist is actually a formulated recipe to create an aura of intimacy
so that you will open up your trust and let this person into your life completely by throwing normal
caution to the wind.
The narcissict who came back into my life after an absence of eighteen years played the most spellbinding
of card tricks on me. It lasted close to three years, during which time I was under his control.
With an onslaught of cards and letters pleading forgiveness based on his 'getting his act together',
with gifts of money and jewelry to myself and our adult daughter (whom he had not supported or raised),
with nice clothes, exceptional manners and excessive friendliness to our friends, with constant attention,
flowers, and putting his best foot forward by accentuating his upcoming art show and hiding his degenerate
friends, by making puppy dog eyes and expressing his sadness at the years spent without us, by swearing
to our daughter that he had always been and would always be in love with her mother, by lying about
his drinking and getting high, my ex husband the narcissist managed to wriggle a center stage position
in our lives within four months of contacting us.
As my daughter recalls, "He sent a few gifts, said the right things, dressed nicely, was extremely
polite, and we opened the door of our life wide open to him, willing on very little grounds to forgive
all his previous bad behavior and neglect."
As an opener of the card trick, the narcissist preys upon your vulnerabilities. I was vulnerable
to this narcissist for several reasons. First, I was disappointed in love and lonely. Second, I had
unresolved feelings for the narcissist. Third, I had a fanciful delusion of 'true love' which was
probably based upon our relationship when were twenty and he had worshipped me on a pedestal. Fourth,
I had a belief in life as a spiritual journey, in which I should trust the people who came into my
life if they appeared to have good intentions. Finally, I had a soft heart and forgave easily.
All of these characteristics combined within me to create a perfect storm for the narcissist invasion
of Spring 2008.
When the curtain fell two and a half years later, the narcissist's mask dropped and I could see
him for what he truly was- an emotional manipulator who had used me for a
sexual relationship
and as a short cut to have a relationship with our daughter. Heartbroken, my world broke apart, and
I have chronicled my emotional reeling in the first several months of this blog.
For many months last year, every day brought new revelations of what the narcissist had lied to
me about, as I pieced together the pieces of the shattered reality he had convinced me to be true.
In retrospect, I realize that his whole performance was a card trick. I see through it all. I
see my vulnerability, his deliberate lies and putting his best face forward, his overzealous politeness
to my friends and family, the gifts, the long phone calls, the vows of eternal love, as simply steps
of the narcissist's card trick of seduction. The trick worked; he eased his way into our lives without
ever having to explain or atone for his past behavior. He simply glossed over it.
The narcissist card trick is all about show. It is about anticipating what others will want to
see in order to gain their trust. The trick is about front loading affection and intimacy with gifts
and money. In this way, it is a sort of bribery. Narcissists lie, cheat and bribe their way into
our lives because they want something from us. We are only a means to an end for them, and the seduction
trick is their entrance ticket into our hearts.
Now that I see how the trick works, it is no longer a mystery. It is perfectly clear. But my knowledge
is four years too late.
Keep your self-examination PRIVATE. Do not tell your spouse. Do not send him or her a letter of apology,
listing your many flaws and faults. Many of us make that mistake before
learning about pathological
narcissism. There is a huge
distinction between normal narcissism and pathological and one of the differences is introspection.
When people who naturally introspectrealize they have contributed to problems in the relationship, they take responsibility
for themselves and alter their behavior.
In a normal relationship, both people recognize their 'shadow side': the things we do unconsciously
that disturb us and confuse a partner. We see it and we change it and we grow as a result. We assume
our relationship with a narcissist works the same way–that once we admit we were
selfish or self-centered,
they will do likewise.
Have you noticed how healing an argument can be when both people take a
hard look at themselves, admit their flaws, and apologize? When people apologize, I've noticed that
other people are quick to forgive because they also realize that despite their best efforts to love
someone, they ALSO make mistakes. With the narcissist however, admitting your flaws
LETS THEM
OFF THE HOOK. What happens afterwards is that during another altercation, the narcissist USES every
intimacy you revealed
about yourself to justify WHY they did what they did. You feel like a failure and the narcissist
is off the hook….AGAIN. As long as we admit to having contributed to 'the problem', the narcissist
will AVOID (deny) his or her responsibility!
This is counter-intuitive for people who are NOT
narcissists. So we apologize
again, hoping the narcissist will mirror our behavior by doing likewise and they DO NOT. In fact,
they will build on your humble admission of fault as a
character trait.
For example: everyone does things that are 'selfish' (insert whatever 'trait' you want here).
You say, "I am so sorry for only thinking of myself!" and you expect this admission to trigger a
similar response from your partner. Instead, each time you are taking responsibility for your behavior,
the narcissist accuses you of being selfish. He or she doesn't say, "I feel neglected when you do
such-and-such". No. Why not? Because "I feel neglected" is self-revelatory. Instead, the narcissist
says, "You are a Selfish person. Even YOU admit it."
Most people who have written about
their break-up with a narcissist, have learned to introspect and take responsibility for their part
in the fiasco. Most people also learn over time, that the narcissist will use any excuse, ANY EXCUSE
AT ALL, to avoid taking responsibility. Your short list of defects, mistakes, flaws, and weaknesses
become the reason WHY the narcissist acted the way they did. It may appear to others that we're pointing
accusatory fingers at narcissists without examining ourselves. This is simply NOT true. We have learned,
even if we aren't conscious of it, that our admission of personal weakness will be used against us.In
a normal relationship, people are LOATH to bring up any intimacy someone has revealed about
themselves. They respect the person's willingness to be honest about their problems. They empathize
with how it feels when your weaknesses are used like weapons of humiliation. There's an invisible
line that we do not cross, even if we are angry and defensive. We do not use someone's painful revelations
against them.Most people have been taking responsibility throughout the relationship, catching themselves
in the act and apologizing. They didn't realize the narcissist was gathering ammunition instead of
examining him or herself. The narcissist may cry or weep or appear to be suffering when you apologize
but sad to say, it's not real. You'll know that the next time you've done something really swell
and the narcissist says, "You may have excelled at that project, sweetie, but that's because you
are so incredibly SELFISH. Even YOU said so!"
During my divorce, I read a recommended book titled "Spiritual Divorce" and dutifully listed my
mistakes, flaws, ignroance, blah-blah-blah and tried to have a 'closure' conversation with my spouse.
I did not know about narcissism at the time. Do Not Do This if you believe your partner is narcissistic.
It releases them from whatever introspection they are capable of and increases your
VULNERABILITY. It's humiliating when your tender admissions, offered in 'good
faith', used against you. Or shared with the narcissist's new rescuer.
You must be cautious when sorting through self-help books that are NOT recommended for pathological
relationships. YOU, the non-N, may end up being humiliated, degraded, and your most spiritual aspects
of yourself brutalized. If you want (or feel a need) to self-deprecate, please post to
a support group that allows
you to express your feelings whatever they may be. For some reason, most people WANT to
admit the things they did 'wrong'. We need to purge and confess to being flawed. That's the good
and the bad about having a conscience.
Remember: Pointing fingers at narcissists is difficult for
Non-Ns. We want to be fair. We want to be honest. For every finger pointed at the N, we have three
pointed back towards ourselves. So in order to feel good about ourselves, we can admit to having
flaws, shadows and defects, too. But we CANNOT, SHOULD NOT, DO NOT need to admit this to the narcissist.
It's not good for YOU and it's definitely NOT good for the narcissist.
When narcissists feel threatened, they cannot stop themselves from using whatever ammunition they
have to defend themselves. Some narcissists regret their behavior afterwards but not nearly as much
as we regret having trusted them.Hugs,
Odds are you've run across one of these characters in your career. They're glib, charming,
manipulative, deceitful, ruthless - and very, very destructive. And there may be lots of them in
America's corner offices.
One of the most provocative ideas about business in this decade so far surfaced in a most unlikely
place. The forum wasn't the Harvard Business School or one of those $4,000-a-head conferences where
Silicon Valley's venture capitalists search for the next big thing. It was a convention of Canadian
cops in the far-flung province of Newfoundland. The speaker, a 71-year-old professor emeritus from
the University of British Columbia, remains virtually unknown in the business realm. But he's renowned
in his own field: criminal psychology. Robert Hare is the creator of the Psychopathy Checklist. The
20-item personality evaluation has exerted enormous influence in its quarter-century history. It's
the standard tool for making clinical diagnoses of psychopaths - the 1% of the general population
that isn't burdened by conscience. Psychopaths have a profound lack of empathy. They use other people
callously and remorselessly for their own ends. They seduce victims with a hypnotic charm that masks
their true nature as pathological liars, master con artists, and heartless manipulators. Easily
bored, they crave constant stimulation, so they seek thrills from real-life "games" they can
win - and take pleasure from their power over other people.
On that August day in 2002, Hare gave a talk on psychopathy to about 150 police and law-enforcement
officials. He was a legendary figure to that crowd. The FBI and the British justice system have long
relied on his advice. He created the P-Scan, a test widely used by police departments to screen new
recruits for psychopathy, and his ideas have inspired the testing of firefighters, teachers, and
operators of nuclear power plants.
According to the Canadian Press and Toronto Sun reporters who rescued the moment from obscurity,
Hare began by talking about Mafia hit men and sex offenders, whose photos were projected on a large
screen behind him. But then those images were replaced by pictures of top executives from WorldCom,
which had just declared bankruptcy, and Enron, which imploded only months earlier. The securities
frauds would eventually lead to long prison sentences for WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers and Enron CFO
Andrew Fastow.
"These are callous, cold-blooded individuals," Hare said.
"They don't care that you have thoughts and feelings. They have no sense of guilt or remorse."
He talked about the pain and suffering the corporate rogues had inflicted on thousands of people
who had lost their jobs, or their life's savings. Some of those victims would succumb to heart attacks
or commit suicide, he said.
Then Hare came out with a startling proposal. He said that the recent corporate scandals could
have been prevented if CEOs were screened for psychopathic behavior. "Why wouldn't we want to
screen them?" he asked. "We screen police officers, teachers. Why not people who are going to handle
billions of dollars?"\
It's Hare's latest contribution to the public awareness of "corporate psychopathy." He appeared
in the 2003 documentary The Corporation, giving authority to the film's premise that corporations
are "sociopathic" (a synonym for "psychopathic") because they ruthlessly seek their own selfish
interests - "shareholder value" - without regard for the harms they cause to others, such as environmental
damage.
Is Hare right? Are corporations fundamentally psychopathic organizations that attract similarly
disposed people? It's a compelling idea, especially given the recent evidence. Such scandals as Enron
and WorldCom aren't just aberrations; they represent what can happen when some basic currents in
our business culture turn malignant. We're worshipful of top executives who seem charismatic, visionary,
and tough. So long as they're lifting profits and stock prices, we're willing to overlook that they
can also be callous, conning, manipulative, deceitful, verbally and psychologically abusive, remorseless,
exploitative, self-delusional, irresponsible, and megalomaniacal. So we collude in the elevation
of leaders who are sadly insensitive to hurting others and society at large.
But wait, you say: Don't bona fide psychopaths become serial killers or other kinds of violent
criminals, rather than the guys in the next cubicle or the corner office? That was the conventional
wisdom. Indeed, Hare began his work by studying men in prison. Granted, that's still an unusually
good place to look for the conscience-impaired. The average Psychopathy Checklist score for incarcerated
male offenders in North America is 23.3, out of a possible 40. hic," the range for the most violent
offenders. Hare has said that the typical citizen would score a 3 or 4, while anything below that
is "sliding into sainthood."
On the broad continuum between the ethical everyman and the predatory killer, there's plenty of
room for people who are ruthless but not violent. This is where you're likely to find such people
as Ebbers, Fastow, ImClone CEO Sam Waksal, and hotelier Leona Helmsley. We put several big-name CEOs
through the checklist, and they scored as "moderately psychopathic"; our quiz on page 48 lets you
try a similar exercise with your favorite boss. And this summer, together with New York industrial
psychologist Paul Babiak, Hare begins marketing the B-Scan, a personality test that companies can
use to spot job candidates who may have an MBA but lack a conscience. "I always said that if I wasn't
studying psychopaths in prison, I'd do it at the stock exchange," Hare told Fast Company. "There
are certainly more people in the business world who would score high in the psychopathic dimension
than in the general population. You'll find them in any organization where, by the nature of one's
position, you have power and control over other people and the opportunity to get something."
There's evidence that the business climate has become even more hospitable to psychopaths in recent
years. In pioneering long-term studies of psychopaths in the workplace, Babiak focused on a half-dozen
unnamed companies: One was a fast-growing high-tech firm, and the others were large multinationals
undergoing dramatic organizational changes - severe downsizing, restructuring, mergers and acquisitions,
and joint ventures. That's just the sort of corporate tumult that has increasingly characterized
the U.S. business landscape in the last couple of decades. And just as wars can produce exciting
opportunities for murderous psychopaths to shine (think of Serbia's Slobodan Milosevic and Radovan
Karadzic), Babiak found that these organizational shake-ups created a welcoming environment for the
corporate killer. "The psychopath has no difficulty dealing with the consequences of rapid change;
in fact, he or she thrives on it," Babiak claims. "Organizational chaos provides both the necessary
stimulation for psychopathic thrill seeking and sufficient cover for psychopathic manipulation and
abusive behavior."
And you can make a compelling case that the New Economy, with its rule-breaking and roller-coaster
results, is just dandy for folks with psychopathic traits too. A slow-moving old-economy corporation
would be too boring for a psychopath, who needs constant stimulation. Its rigid structures and processes
and predictable ways might stymie his unethical scheming. But a charge-ahead New Economy maverick
- an Enron, for instance - would seem the ideal place for this kind of operator.
But how can we recognize psychopathic types? Hare has revised his Psychopathy Checklist (known
as the PCL-R, or simply "the Hare") to make it easier to identify so-called subcriminal or corporate
psychopaths. He has broken down the 20 personality characteristics into two subsets, or "factors."
Corporate psychopaths score high on Factor 1, the "selfish, callous, and remorseless use of others"
category. It includes eight traits: glibness and superficial charm; grandiose sense of self-worth;
pathological lying; conning and manipulativeness; lack of remorse or guilt; shallow affect (i.e.,
a coldness covered up by dramatic emotional displays that are actually playacting); callousness and
lack of empathy; and the failure to accept responsibility for one's own actions. Sound like
anyone you know? (Corporate psychopaths score only low to moderate on Factor 2, which pinpoints "chronically
unstable, antisocial, and socially deviant lifestyle," the hallmarks of people who wind up in jail
for rougher crimes than creative accounting.)
This view is supported by research by psychologists Belinda Board and Katarina Fritzon at the
University of Surrey, who interviewed and gave personality tests to 39 high-level British executives
and compared their profiles with those of criminals and psychiatric patients. The executives
were even more likely to be superficially charming, egocentric, insincere, and manipulative, and
just as likely to be grandiose, exploitative, and lacking in empathy. Board and Fritzon concluded
that the businesspeople they studied might be called "successful psychopaths." In contrast, the criminals
- the "unsuccessful psychopaths" - were more impulsive and physically aggressive.
The Factor 1 psychopathic traits seem like the playbook of many corporate power brokers through
the decades.
Manipulative? Louis B. Mayer was said to be a better actor than any of the stars he
employed at MGM, able to turn on the tears at will to evoke sympathy during salary negotiations
with his actors.
Callous? Henry Ford hired thugs to crush union organizers, deployed machine guns at
his plants, and stockpiled tear gas. He cheated on his wife with his teenage personal assistant
and then had the younger woman marry his chauffeur as a cover.
Lacking empathy? Hotel magnate Leona Helmsley shouted profanities at and summarily
fired hundreds of employees allegedly for trivialities, like a maid missing a piece of lint.
Remorseless? Soon after Martin Davis ascended to the top position at Gulf & Western,
a visitor asked why half the offices were empty on the top floor of the company's Manhattan skyscraper.
"Those were my enemies," Davis said. "I got rid of them."
Deceitful? Oil baron Armand Hammer laundered money to pay for Soviet espionage.
Grandiosity? Thy name is Trump.
In the most recent wave of scandals, Enron's Fastow displayed many of the corporate psychopath's
traits. He pressured his bosses for a promotion to CFO even though he had a shaky grasp of the position's
basic responsibilities, such as accounting and treasury operations. Suffering delusions of grandeur
after just a little time on the job, Fastow ordered Enron's PR people to lobby CFO magazine to make
him its CFO of the Year. But Fastow's master manipulation was a scheme to loot Enron. He set up separate
partnerships, secretly run by himself, to engage in deals with Enron. The deals quickly made tens
of millions of dollars for Fastow - and prettified Enron's financials in the short run by taking
unwanted assets off its books. But they left Enron with time bombs that would ultimately cause the
company's total implosion - and lose shareholders billions. When Enron's scandals were exposed, Fastow
pleaded guilty to securities fraud and agreed to pay back nearly $24 million and serve 10 years in
prison.
"Chainsaw" Al Dunlap might score impressively on the corporate Psychopathy Checklist too. What
do you say about a guy who didn't attend his own parents' funerals? He allegedly threatened his first
wife with guns and knives. She charged that he left her with no food and no access to their money
while he was away for days. His divorce was granted on grounds of "extreme cruelty." That's the characteristic
that endeared him to Wall Street, which applauded when he fired 11,000 workers at Scott Paper, then
another 6,000 (half the labor force) at Sunbeam. Chainsaw hurled a chair at his human-resources chief,
the very man who approved the handgun and bulletproof vest on his expense report. Dunlap needed the
protection because so many people despised him. His plant closings kept up his reputation for ruthlessness
but made no sense economically, and Sunbeam's financial gains were really the result of Dunlap's
alleged book cooking. When he was finally exposed and booted, Dunlap had the nerve to demand severance
pay and insist that the board reprice his stock options. Talk about failure to accept responsibility
for one's own actions.
While knaves such as Fastow and Dunlap make the headlines, most horror stories of workplace psychopathy
remain the stuff of frightened whispers. Insiders in the New York media business say the publisher
of one of the nation's most famous magazines broke the nose of one of his female sales reps in the
1990s. But he was considered so valuable to the organization that the incident didn't impede his
career.
Most criminals - whether psychopathic or not - are shaped by poverty and often childhood abuse as
well. In contrast, corporate psychopaths typically grew up in stable, loving families that were middle
class or affluent. But because they're pathological liars, they tell romanticized tales
of rising from tough, impoverished backgrounds. Dunlap pretended that he grew up as the son of a
laid-off dockworker; in truth, his father worked steadily and raised his family in suburban comfort.
The corporate psychopaths whom Babiak studied all went to college, and a couple even had PhDs. Their
ruthless pursuit of self-interest was more easily accomplished in the white-collar realm, which their
backgrounds had groomed them for, rather than the criminal one, which comes with much lousier odds.
Psychopaths succeed in conventional society in large measure because few of us grasp that they are
fundamentally different from ourselves. We assume that they, too, care about other people's feelings.
This makes it easier for them to "play" us. Although they lack empathy, they develop an actor's expertise
in evoking ours. While they don't care about us, "they have an element of emotional intelligence,
of being able to see our emotions very clearly and manipulate them," says Michael Maccoby, a psychotherapist
who has consulted for major corporations.
Psychopaths are typically very likable. They make us believe that they reciprocate our loyalty
and friendship. When we realize that they were conning us all along, we feel betrayed and foolish.
"People see sociopathy in their personal lives, and they don't have a clue that it has a label or
that others have encountered it," says Martha Stout, a psychologist at the Harvard Medical School
and the author of the recent best-seller The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of
Us (Broadway Books, 2005). "It makes them feel crazy or alone. It goes against our intuition that
a small percentage of people can be so different from the rest of us - and so evil. Good people don't
want to believe it."
Of course, cynics might say that it can be an advantage to lack a conscience. That's probably
why major investors installed Dunlap as the CEO of Sunbeam: He had no qualms about decimating the
workforce to impress Wall Street. One reason outside executives get brought into troubled companies
is that they lack the emotional stake in either the enterprise or its people. It's easier for them
to act callously and remorselessly, which is exactly what their backers want. The obvious danger
of the new B-Scan test for psychopathic tendencies is that companies will hire or promote people
with high scores rather than screen them out. Even Babiak, the test's codeveloper, says that while
"a high score is a red flag, sometimes middle scores are okay. Perhaps you don't want the most honest
and upfront salesman."
Indeed, not every aberrant boss is necessarily a corporate psychopath. There's another personality
that's often found in the executive suite: the narcissist. While many psychologists would call narcissism
a disorder, this trait can be quite beneficial for top bosses, and it's certainly less pathological
than psychopathy. Maccoby's book The Productive Narcissist: The Promise and Perils of Visionary Leadership
(Broadway Books, 2003) portrays the narcissistic CEO as a grandiose egotist who is on a mission to
help humanity in the abstract even though he's often insensitive to the real people around him. Maccoby
counts Apple's Steve Jobs, General Electric's Jack Welch, Intel's Andy Grove, Microsoft's Bill Gates,
and Southwest Airlines' Herb Kelleher as "productive narcissists," or PNs. Narcissists are visionaries
who attract hordes of followers, which can make them excel as innovators, but they're poor listeners
and they can be awfully touchy about criticism. "These people don't have much empathy," Maccoby says.
"When Bill Gates tells someone, 'That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard,' or Steve Jobs calls
someone a bozo, they're not concerned about people's feelings. They see other people as a means
toward their ends. But they do have a sense of changing the world - in their eyes, improving
the world. They build their own view of what the world should be and get others recruited to their
vision. Psychopaths, in contrast, are only interested in self."
Maccoby concedes that productive narcissists can become "drunk with power" and turn destructive.
The trick, he thinks, is to pair a productive narcissist with a "productive obsessive," or conscientious,
control-minded manager. Think of Grove when he was matched with chief operating officer Craig Barrett,
Gates with president Steve Ballmer, Kelleher with COO Colleen Barrett, and Oracle's Larry Ellison
with COO Ray Lane and CFO Jeff Henley. In his remarkably successful second tour of duty at Apple,
Jobs has been balanced by steady, competent behind-the-scenes players such as Timothy Cook, his executive
vice president for sales and operations.
But our culture's embrace of narcissism as the hallmark of admired business leaders is dangerous,
Babiak maintains, since "individuals who are really psychopaths are often mistaken for narcissists
and chosen by the organization for leadership positions." How does he distinguish the difference
between the two types? "In the case of a narcissist, everything is me, me, me," Babiak explains.
"With a psychopath, it's 'Is it thrilling, is it a game I can win, and does it hurt others?' My belief
is a psychopath enjoys hurting others."
Intriguingly, Babiak believes that it's extremely unlikely for an entrepreneurial founder-CEO to
be a corporate psychopath because the company is an extension of his own ego - something he promotes
rather than plunders. "The psychopath has no allegiance to the company at all, just to self," Babiak
says. "A psychopath is playing a short-term parasitic game." That was the profile of Fastow and Dunlap
- guys out to profit for themselves without any concern for the companies and lives they were wrecking.
In contrast, Jobs and Ellison want their own companies to thrive forever - indeed, to dominate their
industries and take over other fields as well. "An entrepreneurial founder-CEO might have a narcissistic
tendency that looks like psychopathy," Babiak says. "But they have a vested interest: Their identity
is wrapped up with the company's existence. They're loyal to the company." So these types are ruthless
not only for themselves but also for their companies, their extensions of self.
The issue is whether we will continue to elevate, celebrate, and reward so many executives who, however
charismatic, remain indifferent to hurting other people. Babiak says that while the first line of
defense against psychopaths in the workplace is screening job candidates, the second line is a "culture
of openness and trust, especially when the company is undergoing intense, chaotic change."
Europe is far ahead of the United States in trying to deal with psychological abuse and manipulation
at work. The "antibullying" movement in Europe has produced new laws in France and Sweden. Harvard's
Stout suggests that the relentlessly individualistic culture of the United States contributes a lot
to our problems. She points out that psychopathy has a dramatically lower incidence in certain Asian
cultures, where the heritage has emphasized community bonds rather than glorified self-interest.
"If we continue to go this way in our Western culture," she says, "evolutionarily speaking, it doesn't
end well."
The good news is that we can do something about corporate psychopaths. Scientific consensus says
that only about 50% of personality is influenced by genetics, so psychopaths are molded by our
culture just as much as they are born among us. But unless American business makes a dramatic
shift, we'll get more Enrons - and deserve them.
Alan Deutschman is a Fast Company senior writer based in San Francisco.
A majority of sex addicts behave in ways that
are seen by others as narcissistic. Narcissistic personality traits are often described in terms
such as grandiosity, self-centeredness and over-entitlement. This suggests
the narcissist has an inflated sense of self-worth. In fact the opposite is true.
Most narcissism is actually a defense system. The narcissist has acquired a façade of superiority
and self-sufficiency as a defense against unconscious feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.
This defense is often bolstered by career success or being prominent in the community.This self-image is flimsy and superficial, but it is felt by the narcissist-addict to be his
or her true self.
As such, this false self protects the addict from experiencing his or her vast reservoir of unhappiness
and insecurity
A hallmark of narcissism is overconfidence. But there's one thing that narcissists can legitimately
be confident about: Not all that we assume about narcissism is true. Research psychologist Jean Twenge
laid out these seven myths about narcissism, which she and her coauthor identify in their new book,
The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement. Edited excerpts from her conversation
with U.S. News:
1. Narcissism is really high self-esteem. No, it's not. Someone can have really high self-esteem
and not be narcissistic. The key difference is that people high in self-esteem focus on relationships
and narcissists are missing that piece about caring about relationships. They want to know what other
people can do for them, but in terms of having close emotional relationships, they don't care.
2. Deep down, narcissists are insecure and have low self-esteem. People assume that narcissists
must be concealing some deep insecurity or they actually hate themselves. But the data don't back
it up. Even if you measure self-esteem in a subtle, unconscious way, deep down inside, narcissists
think they're awesome. It's important to understand that this is a myth because when people act like
jerks and they behave narcissistically, often others will say that the solution is that they really
need to boost their self-esteem. Well, that's not going to help. That's exactly their problem.
Preoccupied with their own importance, narcissistic managers are grandiose and arrogant. They
devalue others, lack empathy for others and have little, if any, conscience. Feeling exempt from
the normal rules of society, they exploit people without remorse. Narcissistic individuals are also
very sensitive to anything that threatens their self-esteem. Challenges to their grandiose self image
can lead to narcissistic rage that sees them lose all judgment and attack in ways that are destructive
to themselves and their victims.
Arrogant with peers and subordinates, they may suddenly become submissive in the presence of a
superior. Once the superior has left, they may well disparage her. They generally deprecate and exploit
others, including former idols. They may, however, idealize powerful individuals who support them,
though only for a short time.
Under the surface, narcissistic managers struggle with fragile self-esteem. They also have a sense
of emptiness arising from their lack of true self-love and inability to care about other people or
about abstract values such as honesty and integrity. Their grandiose fantasies are attempts to fill
the emptiness and reinforce their fragile self-esteem.
The classic narcissistic manager is grandiose. Grandiose managers are legends in their own minds.
Preoccupied with their exaggerated accomplishments and grandiose expectations for the future, they
expect others to hold them in awe. Constantly boasting, they resemble peacocks strutting around with
their tail feathers unfurled.
Some narcissistic managers are not effusive about their abilities and accomplishments. What stands
out about them is a willingness to exploit others, a willingness to break the law, or a desire to
control and dominate others.
Narcissistic managers are less likely to make major changes in their behaviour than are managers
with other issues. They are also particularly likely to become outraged and vindictive if someone
challenges their behaviour. Therefore, when you are dealing with a manager who is rigid or aggressive,
it is important to know whether narcissism or other disorders lie underneath their destructive behaviour.
A milder variant of narcissistic managers are those with learned narcissism. They are not desperately
trying to hide and shield fragile self-esteem arising from a troubled childhood. Rather, their success
in some area has brought sufficient fame and fortune that they have been shielded from the normal
consequences of behaving arrogantly and treating others poorly. Moreover, as people incessantly flatter
them, they come to believe the glorifying compliments. Although somewhat grandiose and inconsiderate
of others, these people have a conscience and can feel empathy for others; they simply do not realize
the full impact of their behavior on others. People with learned narcissism are far more amenable
to change than are those with narcissism resulting from problems early on in emotional development.
... ... ...
Coping with a narcissistic manager is very difficult for most people. You can't make it a fun
experience, but there are things you can do to make yourself less vulnerable to them.
If you are subordinate to a narcissistic manager:
Avoid criticizing them
Show admiration
Don't outshine them; play down your accomplishments and ambition
Document your work
Build relationships to a mentor
Keep your eyes open for other positions
Do not take their behaviour personally
Superiors of narcissistic managers also need to be careful. If you supervise a narcissistic manager
you should:
Watch your back
Don't ignore signs of trouble
Don't believe them over their subordinates
Assess if the narcissism is learned or from early development and if it can be modified with
the help of a therapist/coach
Get coaching for them
Get 360 feedback on them and use it as a major part of their assessment
"Narcissism falls along the axis of what psychologists call personality disorders, one
of a group that includes antisocial, dependent, histrionic, avoidant and borderline personalities.
But by most measures, narcissism is one of the worst, if only because the narcissists
themselves are so clueless."
-- Jeffrey Kluger
"Hate is the complement of fear and narcissists like being feared. It imbues them with
an intoxicating sensation of omnipotence...
The sadistic narcissist perceives himself as godlike, ruthless and devoid of scruples,
capricious and unfathomable, emotion-less and non-sexual, omniscient, omnipotent and omni-present,
a plague, a devastation, an inescapable verdict."
-- Sam Vaknin
If you wish to see the narcissist in their natural habitat, the chat boards and comment sections
of some blogs are where the marginally successful dwell, often dominating the conversation with their
self-obsessed arrogance. Sometimes in periods of unusual circumstances they can even rise to positions
of power. They are attracted to corporate structures, and financial and political positions.
They have no humility, no doubts, and no empathy. Whatever life or luck or others may have helped
them to achieve, they feel that they deserve it all, and more. They have worked for everything they
have, whereas others who have suffered setbacks and misfortune simply have made bad choices or been
lazy. And if others have been cheated and abused, then they deserve it for being stupid.
They are often judgmental and racist, and brimming over with hateful scorn for others, unless
they can be co-opted into their sphere of influence and behave according to the narcissist's world
and rules.
As Thomas Aquinas said, 'well-ordered self-love is right and natural.' It is when this natural
behaviour becomes excessive and twisted that it becomes a pathology, a disorder of the personality.
Often narcissists have exaggerated ideas about their own talents and worth and work. Sometimes
they are compensating for the neglect and disregard, or even abuse, of one or both parents who failed
to see and appreciate how special they are. At other times they are the product of an environment
in which they have been raised to believe that they are special, and deserve special treatment
and consideration. Since obviously not all children of privilege or abuse become narcissists, it
might have its genesis in an untreated form of depression or genetic predisposition.
"The classic narcissist is overly self-confident and sees themselves as superior than other people.
Think of a child who has always been told by mom and dad that they would be great, and then that
child takes and internally distorts that message into superiority.
The compensatory narcissist
covers up with their grandiose behavior, a deep-seated deficit in self-esteem. Think of a child
who felt devalued but instead of giving up on life, resorts to fantasies of grandeur and greatness.
This person will either live in that fantasy world or decide to create that fantasy world in real
life."
If this affliction is accompanied by other problems such as sadism or malignant mania, they may become
a destructive element for all who encounter them. Their illness affects others more than themselves,
so they may often not seek treatment, and excuse the damage they inflict with the 'weakness' of others.
They seek to fill the great empty holes of self-loathing with the lives and possessions of others,
all the while proudly wreathing their actions with self serving rationalization.
They are more to be pitied than scorned, as they are living in a small part the hell which they
are making for themselves. But we must guard ourselves against their powerful certainty in an age
of uncertainty. Their certainty is a madness which serves none but itself.
"Narcissism is a psychological condition defined as an obsession with the self. While not all
forms of self-love or self-interest are destructive, extreme cases can be very damaging and may
be diagnosed as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
In these instances, the disorder is characterized by a lack of empathy for others, sadistic
or destructive tendencies, and a compulsion to satisfy personal needs above all other goals.
People suffering from NPD tend to have difficulty establishing or maintaining friendships,
close family relationships, and even careers. About 1% of people have this condition, and up to
3/4 of those diagnosed with it are men.
The signs of narcissism often revolve around a person's perception of himself in comparison
to other people.
Those with severe cases often believe they are naturally superior to others or that they possess
extraordinary capabilities. They may have extreme difficulty acknowledging personal weaknesses,
yet also have fragile self-esteem.
Narcissistic people also frequently believe that they are not truly appreciated, and can be
prone to outbursts of anger, jealousy, and self-loathing when they do not get what they feel they
deserve."
Hallmarks of Narcissism
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack
of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by
five (or more) of the following:
•Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
•Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects
to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
•Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment
or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
•Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own
ends
•Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her
•Requires excessive admiration
•Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
•Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate
with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
•Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Christopher Lasch's "The Culture of Narcissism" was originally published in 1979, and has been
a major cynosure of cultural and social criticism ever since. English literary critic Frank Kermode
called it, not inaccurately, a "hellfire sermon." It is a wholesale indictment of contemporary American
culture. It also happens to fall into a group of other books which share the same body of concerns
that I have been working my way through, or around, in recent months: Daniel Boorstin's "The Image:
A Guide to Pseudo-Events in America," Guy Debord's "Society of the Spectacle," Philip Rieff's entire
corpus (especially "Charisma," but also his earlier work on Freud), and even the book I'm currently
reading, Tony Judt's "Ill Fares the Land."
All of these books discuss some aspect of social anomie, loss of community, and subsequent feelings
of dissolution. This isn't by any means a new debate; in the field of sociology, it dates at least
as far back as Ferdinand Tonnies' distinction between gemeinschaft and gesellschaft, a distinction
that was almost a prerequisite for the invention of modernism.
First, a note on the word "narcissism." It was formerly a clinical term to diagnose the individual,
but has "gone global" - or at least national. Lasch doesn't really mean for the term to be a diagnosis
in the clinical sense, but rather a "metaphor for the human condition" in contemporary times. In
his argot, the word means much more than just lack of empathy, a tendency toward manipulative actions
and pretentious behavior. "People today hunger not for personal salvation, let alone for the restoration
of an earlier golden age, but for the feeling, the momentary illusion, of personal well-being, health,
and psychic security" (p. 7). Lasch is more interested in the dissolution of communities and relationships
that makes us feel as if we live highly individualized, atomized lives detached from the concerns
of others. The book spells out the ways in which these patterns are positively correlated with the
rise of materialism, technologism, "personal liberation" (those bywords of sixties radicalism) and
nominal egalitarianism.
His few words on contemporary corporate America will strike anyone who has ever worked in one
of these organizational hellscapes: he states that corporate bureaucracies
"put a premium on the manipulation of interpersonal relations, discourage the formation
of deep personal attachments and at the same time provide the narcissist with the approval he
needs in order to validate his self-esteem."
A la Debord, the politics of narcissism become more about "managing impressions" and "human relations"
more than actually solving problems, citing Kennedy's disaster at the Bay of Pigs as an example.
To steal from the language of yet another late French thinker, it's all about the simulacra. In a
chapter called "The Degradation of Sport," he notes that enormous amounts of corporate money
have turned athletes into mere entertainers to be sold to the most prestigious sports syndicate.
The central concept of the sporting even - the agon, the contest - has been displaced in order to
sell products and personalities who will invariably be with the team for only a short time.
Lasch's political affiliations are sometimes interestingly and tellingly misconstrued. Though
often criticized for being a reactionary conservative simply because he points to the radicalism
of the sixties as one of the desiderata under consideration, Lasch's analysis is self-consciously
informed by both Marx and Freud, two figures hardly recognized for being popularly co-opted by various
brands of twentieth-century conservatism. Those who believe that Lasch is a blind ideologue on other
side of the spectrum need to read him again: he explicitly faults both the right for their veneration
of the market's "invisible hand" and the left for their cultural progressivism. Lasch is in politics,
above all else, a democratic humanist.
He writes in the Afterword,
"The best defenses against the terrors of existence are the homely comforts of love, work,
and family life, which connect us to a world that is independent of our wishes yet responsive
to our needs. It is through love and work, as Freud noted ... that we exchange crippling emotional
conflict for ordinary unhappiness."
It might not sound like a prognosis abounding in optimism, but it drips with the sincerity of
an honest, heartfelt critic of American culture.
Clark L. Coleman (Virginia)
Great on observation, not so great on causes and cures, November 17, 2010
The ideal book of cultural criticism would accomplish three things: (1) Show us convincingly
that there is a problem. (2) Diagnose the causes of the problem. (3) Recommend a credible cure
for the problem. Lasch is excellent at the first goal, examining many areas of American culture
in detail and showing the narcissistic common denominator of many social ills. His diagnosis of
the problem, couched entirely in Freudian perspectives, is suspect in my opinion (details to follow).
He does not attempt to prescribe any cures. Charitably, we could say that the book is large enough
as it is and he had no room for prescription. I would give the book about 4-5 stars on achieving
the first goal, about 2 stars on the second goal, none on the third goal.
The first major problem with Lasch's diagnosis of the causes of our narcissism is that he makes
it sound inevitable, implying (intentionally or not) that there is no cure. The trends of industrialization,
growth in size of society and government, etc. are often described in terms that cause you to
despair that we could ever reverse the negative effects. Even the trends that were consciously
directed by the intellectual elite (e.g. feminism, sexual liberation) are described fatalistically;
you cannot turn back the clock, the old ways are too abhorrent to want to restore them, etc.
The second major diagnosis problem is that Lasch does not perceive the irony (or hypocrisy)
of condemning the ill effects of the modern therapeutic culture, brought about by all the social
science pseudo-experts that he rips apart, while being totally absorbed in the language and perspective
of Freudianism. The therapeutic culture came about because an older religious culture gave way
to a secular psychological perspective from the late 19th century through the 20th century. I
doubt that the cure is to be found if we continue to immerse ourselves in secular psychological
thinking.
The third major diagnosis problem is that there is a more fundamental diagnosis of how we came
to be so narcissistic. Rather than blaming a variety of economic, political, and social trends
that cannot be reversed, the deficiency of modern Western societies lies in the loss of transcendence.
With a lack of conviction in the eternal importance of each life, each aspect of life is hollowed
out. Marriage was about propagating one's faith, race, ethnicity, and family line; now,
it is about chasing romantic happiness. Work was performed to support one's family and
perpetuate the civilization; now it is to make money for any purpose whatsoever, from supporting
your family to enabling your consumerism. Numerous examples could be given. If there is no transcendence,
no connection to the eternal, I am left with ME and my SELF and my desires. Narcissism is inevitable.
Lasch is a modern liberal who tears apart our culture because of the effects of liberal modernity,
but who cannot bring himself to recommend the cures that are needed because the implication of
his criticisms is that we must reject the modern, secular, anti-traditional, anti-transcendent
culture and turn back the clock (horrors!) to earlier ways of living and thinking. After each
criticism of how feminism has destroyed relations between the sexes, for example, he hastens to
add that the old ways were certainly oppressive and terrible as well. In which case, what is left
for the reader besides despair?
The book is worth reading for its description of the symptoms of our ills. Many observations
provide insight into aspects of modern life that we might not realize differ so greatly from not
so long ago (e.g. education, sports), depending on what you have read in these areas before this
book. Be forewarned that when you finish, you will be full of criticism of our culture and will
have been given little idea of where to go from there.
The ex-LAPD officer who was the most hunted fugitive in California until Tuesday might have been
a huge narcissist, according to experts.
Christopher Dorner, who allegedly killed two civilians and a cop, is presumed dead after a fire
ravaged the mountain cabin where he was hiding from police.
Dorner was likely suffering from a "classic case of malignant narcissistic personality disorder,"
retired FBI profiler Mary Ellen O'Toole told The Associated Press, pointing to his grandiose belief
that he could evade all the police chasing him down.
In Michael Maccoby's book "The Productive Narcissist: The Promise and Peril of Visionary
Leadership," he says that many leaders have some element of narcissism.
However, the productive ones have learned to retain an element of their egos, while moderating
the negative side effects of narcissism.
Lawyers may also share those narcissistic traits.
The over-the-top workaholic tendencies that make lawyers so great at their jobs means they may
also be perfectionists, which is a narcissistic trait.
We collected a variety of insights from Maccoby's book, Psychology Today, and other sources and
compiled them into a diagnostic test.
The more you identify with these characteristics, the more likely you're an egocentric narcissist.
Recently I tried to persuade a friend, a professional woman in her 40s, to create a Facebook account.
Like many people, I'm a regular user, usually to post photos and updates of my daughter's sports
and academic accomplishments - and to keep track of friends and family. But my friend believed Facebook
would drain her time. She said that if she couldn't maintain friendships in the real world, she wasn't
interested in keeping up with the small details of people's lives.
There has been a lot of scholarship devoted to the study of Facebook, sparking debate about
the mental health and personality traits of frequent users. Most recently, research from
Western Illinois University suggested, like other studies before it, that Facebook appeals
to our most narcissistic tendencies. The study, published in the journal Personality and
Individual Differences, asked 292 people to answer questions aimed at measuring how self-involved
they were.
Those who frequently updated their Facebook status, tagged themselves in photos and had large
numbers of virtual friends, were more likely to exhibit narcissistic traits, the study found. Another
study found that people with high levels of narcissism were more likely to spend more than an hour
a day on Facebook, and they were also more likely to post digitally enhanced personal photos. But
what the research doesn't answer is whether Facebook attracts narcissists or turns us into them.
Last month, a study of 233 Facebook-using college students by researchers at the University of
North Carolina Wilmington and the University of Hartford took a different approach. Were the students
primarily writing self-promoting status updates? Or were they interested in others, clicking "likes"
and posting comments on friends' pages? How many Facebook friends did they collect?
In addition to measuring narcissism (Do you like being the center of attention or blending in
with the crowd?), the researchers also measured a student's sense of privacy. (Do you share information
with a wide circle of friends or value your privacy?) The researchers found, to their surprise, that
frequency of Facebook use, whether it was for personal status updates or to connect with friends,
was not associated with narcissism. Narcissism per se was associated with only one type
of Facebook user - those who amassed unrealistically large numbers of Facebook friends.
Instead, frequent Facebook users were more likely to score high on "openness" and were less
concerned about privacy. So what seems like self-promoting behavior may just reflect a generation
growing up in the digital age, where information - including details about personal lives - flows
freely and connects us.
"It's a huge oversimplification to say Facebook is for narcissists," said Lynne Kelly, director
of the school of communication at the University of Hartford and one of the study's authors. "You
share information about yourself on Facebook as a way to maintain relationships."
The social medium of choice for the self-absorbed appears to be Twitter. The researchers
found an association between tweeting about oneself and high narcissism scores. That finding
alone, I think, is worth tweeting about.
How grandiosity and lack of empathy created our modern malaise
Narcissism is back in the news, thanks to Sarah Palin.
Todd
Purdum's Vanity Fair profile, which appeared just days before Palin announced her resignation,
described the Alaskan governor this way:
More than once in my travels in Alaska, people brought up, without prompting, the question
of Palin's extravagant self-regard. Several told me, independently of one another, that they had
consulted the definition of "narcissistic personality disorder" in the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders-"a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need
for admiration, and lack of empathy"-and thought it fit her perfectly.
The diagnosis clearly resonates, not because it is accurate (who knows?) but because narcissism
is the psychological substrate of our troubled times. During the credit boom, an unquenchable need
for short-term success, combined with a lack of empathy for those who didn't share in the economic
windfalls, was a byproduct of a society trying desperately to survive beyond its means. We both empowered
the most ruthlessly self-aggrandizing among us and succumbed to the erosion of any authority that
might have contained the overweening. We lost any independent measure of the American dream.
Still, a question remains: Was the army of narcissists unleashed upon our society a product of
the boom or the cause of it-or both? For John Gartner, grandiosity was a precondition for success.
His 2005 book
The Hypomanic Edge praised the reckless abandon of Americans who leapt before they looked.
(Slate's Dan Gross made a great case
for why those leaders ultimately threaten
the institutions they lead.)
In the noughties-given our obsessing over celebrities, insatiable consumption of debt to keep
up with others, and the loss of any meaningful values that might sustain us in adversity-the country
seemed to be caught up in its own culture of narcissism. As exceptional as this new culture was,
it was not new. The culture of narcissism first appeared as a popular concept 30 years ago. And this
week marks the apogee of its influence with the anniversary of President Jimmy Carter's infamous
"malaise" speech (delivered on July 15, 1979).
That much-reviled address is an unlikely subject for study. But historian Kevin Mattson has done
his best to reclaim it in his new book
What the Heck Are You Up to, Mr. President?To Mattson, a desperate nation, hobbled by a
stagnating economy with chronic energy shortages, a crumbling manufacturing sector, and crippling
inflation, was buoyed by Carter's willingness to level with them. Carter tried to snap the country
out of its frenzy of selfishness and return it to a civic-minded purpose. The speech boosted the
president's poll numbers by 11 points in one evening, and the event seemed to provide a catharsis
of sorts, if a short-lived one.
The 1970s were a nadir of American self-confidence. Carter came to give the "malaise" speech at
the prodding of Patrick Caddell, who was himself inspired by a reading of historian Christopher Lasch's
surprise best-seller of 1979,
The Culture of Narcissism. A quiet Midwesterner with a cranky pen, Lasch was the Paul Krugman
of 1979 - an esoteric thinker whose political stance was informed by raw anger and disgust. Lasch
may have used radical cultural concepts to inform his views, but he himself was deeply and personally
conservative. He would later write a book dismissing the notion of progress and locating our best
hope as a society in small-town acceptance of limitations.
The Culture of Narcissism was an attack not only on the excesses and disillusionment of
the '70s but also on the growth of institutions-the liberal state, corporations, and the therapeutic
culture-that broke down the individual's independence and authority. Those institutions may have
grown out of a need to protect us from depredations. But the unintended consequence was to replace
our freedom and individual authority with insecurity and anxiety.
Thus was born the narcissistic personality of the 1970s. The cultural narcissist-as opposed to
the clinical one, like Palin-can overcome the anxiety created by his or her lost economic and social
independence, according to Lasch, only "by seeing his 'grandiose self' reflected in the attentions
of others, or by attaching himself to those who radiate celebrity, power, and charisma. For the narcissist,
the world is a mirror whereas the rugged individualist saw it as an empty wilderness to be shaped
in his own design."
Narcissism thrives only where positive authority-a world of role models who establish genuine,
trusted leadership and an economic system where rules are defined and enforced-no longer presides.
Lasch's narcissism was a direct result of the hypocrisy of the liberal state and its collapse under
the multiple assaults of the Vietnam War, Watergate, the degraded environment, and the emasculating
energy crisis.
In our own day, narcissism seems the direct result not of societal failure but of success run
amok. (Though we've had our own fruitless, frustrating war with its concomitant betrayals of public
trust and an awareness of impending environmental collapse, too.) Beginning in 1994-15 years after
the "malaise" speech and 15 years before today-the United States turned itself inside out. The Republican
congressional victory of 1994 brought about a libertarian detente between left and right centered
around globalization, in the form of NAFTA, and cultural truce, where everyone agreed to disagree
on hot-button issues like abortion.
The new order unleashed an explosion of wealth, new technology, and a reinvention of politics
both domestically and internationally. The '90s ended up being the 1970s in reverse. Instead of the
decline of industry, we had the upending explosion of the Internet. Where the 1970s had eroding pessimism,
the 1990s had the optimism that "this time, it is different."
In both cases, the path from past to future was no longer clear, which created confusion and doubt
about what rules to follow. Clinton's new liberalism sought deregulation and a return to personal
responsibility, but only one side of the equation took hold. Throughout American society in the 1990s,
authority was eclipsed by the unparalleled success of young people.
There were other similarities between then and now that contributed to the emergence of the cultural
narcissist. Both eras had presidents who were threatened with impeachment. Both eras had a vertiginous
rise in housing prices. In the 1970s, homes became a rare anchor for embattled Americans as their
most important asset became a refuge from rampant inflation.
For us later, our houses were the devil's candy to satisfy our insatiable needs. Instead of the
last and most vital of our assets-the one protected from bankruptcy by homestead laws in many states-we
used property as a grub stake in a poker match, hoping to win shallow advantages like better-looking
kitchens, elaborate home theaters, and more authentic personal experiences. Each one of these desires
fits neatly into the Lasch-ian definition of narcissism: the frantic need to distinguish ourselves
without ever mastering our anxieties.
Lacking her own goals, and an independent measure of success, the narcissistic personality keeps
chasing a fleeting dream. Perhaps that is why the debt bubble churned endlessly without restraint.
We had everything, but it was never enough. Insatiability, of course, is a hallmark symptom.
Another era of adversity might have restored the bulwarks of our society. The excesses of the
Internet boom were burned off in the scandals of Enron, Tyco, and the like. The Sept. 11 attacks
also seemed to presage a new era of rationality. The Bush administration's response, however, was
narcissism through and through. A sober response would have been to track down the malefactors
to ensure that justice prevailed. Instead, the neocons in the Bush Pentagon pursued an unlikely
target-Iraq-with the misguided idea that they could transform the politics of the Middle East through
shock and awe. (Grandiose?) They even imagined they would be greeted as liberators. (Admiration seeking?)
And they failed to address the root causes of Sept. 11 attacks: the frustrations felt by the disenfranchised
toward the United States. (Not much empathy there, eh?)
So the flood of credit from 2002 on only fueled the narcissism raging at the center of our society.
To read the Culture of Narcissism today is to look at ourselves through a distant mirror.
We have a better communicator as president, but many of the same maladies confront us-a crippled
economy, a recently discredited president whose White House was filled with dirty-tricksters, and
a sense that American power no longer has a place in the world. The only good thing is that the feeling
of desperation so pervasive during Jimmy Carter's time has not taken hold; but that could be because
we just haven't hit bottom yet.
Marion Maneker is the former publisher of HarperCollins's business imprint.
Yes. I have just realized that my last relationship was doomed to failure because of his of NPD.
He's not been diagnosed with it as far as I know but I am quite sure he has it based on the standard
criteria.
He wanted constant attention and doting -- this included me brushing his hair frequently and him
trying on clothes and asking repeatedly, "Aren't I cute?". He seemed to not care about my or anybody
else's problems. Anytime he had a problem he escalated it to crisis and was furious if I wasn't there
to help him (somehow he had decided it was my job to care for him). He took millions upon millions
of digital images of himself and even lately got himself a web cam which just shows him sitting at
the computer. He was often contrary just for the sake of getting into a fight. He liked to fight
and would instigate them quite often. He rarely ever paid for any of our "dates" and owes me quite
a lot of money (and seemed to forget about 1/2 of it). If I was at his house, he would want to spend
hours upon hours on the computer and would get mad if I went to watch t.v. because he wanted me to
sit in a chair, adjacent to him on the computer while he was on the computer. He seemed to totally
lack empathy. He was a pathological liar and I believe that he believed in his own lies. He had multiple
on-line emotional relationships so that he would have constant attention and adoration. If we were
visiting my sister or my friends, he would literally cling to me as if he has hands and arms were
Velcro and would snuggle his head into my shoulder and giggle like a school girl and would prefer
the he and I sat and had our own internal conversations forsaking the company of other folks who
were present. He had frequent mood swings. He said really unkind things to me which I pointed out
to him that he was hurtful and he said, "oh, I was just teasing because I like you."
Somehow I thought that I would "fix him". I entered into this relationship on the heels of a very
difficult break-up. I wasn't ready to see anyone and he had just gotten out of a relationship. I
have since learned that I am co-dependent and I thought that he was as well but after reading more
and more I am pretty sure that it is NPD. Last week he "broke up" with me at least three times. I
had been trying to break up with him for some time but he kept luring me back in and I was lonely
so I took the bait. I want to distance myself from him but I'm worried that it may just make him
seek even more attention from me. I'm trying to "step out" of the relationship rather than end it
with an official break up. Yes, I said he broke up with me three times but it was actually him saying,
"well I guess I'm not the right guy for you" and making generalizations about me and our relationship
and then hanging up. He does not recognize ALL of the things that I have done to improve his life
over the course of 5 months. He takes it all for granted and he will escalate the smallest disappointment
with me so that he can be right and feel entitled to some kind of reparation.
I struggle with self-esteem issues and still dealing with a break-up from last summer. For the
last several months I have been crying daily and feeling extremely anxious. I gained a lot of weight
and stopped exercising or doing anything good for me because he demanded my time. I have not seen
him in over two weeks now. I'm feeling more happy and confident than I have since he and I have been
going out. I hate to lose him as a friend but he sucks the life out of me. It's sad because when
we had good moments those highs were really high. He could be sweet to me and he always made me laugh
and we shared so many similar things that made knowing him very easy. It breaks my heart that I cannot
fix him. It makes me mad that I wasted all this time with him because he really doesn't mean it when
he says "I love you". He figured out that with me, needy me, those three words can get you everywhere.
Is your partner a narcissist? You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking
that you are the crazy one. Narcissists work hard to distort our reality to make their reality
feel safer.
So what is a narcissist? Someone who preens in front of the mirror all day in admiration? NOT!
Ask yourself this: is your partner intensely angered by anything that seems to suggest that
he or she might have a flaw? Narcissists will do anything, including brutalizing their
own family, to maintain their own feeling that others see them as without any flaws. And, narcissists
have extreme and illogical sensitivities, sometimes connecting the most minute observations with
their intense fears of being seen as flawed. Narcissists will strain every muscle to meet their own
"flawless" image, and demean or destroy anyone or anything who casts any doubt on this image.
If you see this dynamic in your partner, family member, coworker, or friend, you are very probably
dealing with a narcissist.
Overcome the Love Locking You In
Many of us ended up in unhealthy relationships because, in the beginning, our partners held up
a false front. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner;
met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone
like this!
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationship
changes due to children being born, a job change, or other major life changes, our partner shows
a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding,
and harshly critical. When alcohol or drugs are involved, the substance abuse usually takes a big
step up, too. I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning from Madness.
From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings
of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!
At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How
can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?
While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those
feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop
- hopefully toward someone who's better for us. At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears
and Healing, but it was so important it eventually became its own short book, In Love and
Loving It - Or Not! The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we'll
be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings
can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can't fill those
needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.
Deal with the Abuse
Disordered people aren't just hurtful. They also spin our reality to make theirs less painful.
They project their problems onto us, and blame us for what they do. After a while it becomes hard
to distinguish what is real from what is being projected and what is being distorted. We begin to
doubt our reality and question whether we're the crazy ones. What's more, disordered people hide
their problems very effectively, concealing their disease from most people, causing us further confusion.
The truth is, THEY'RE NOT RIGHT. But they feel better when they can get us to carry the burden
of their illness and their behavior.
Narcissistic people do not make pleasant colleagues, but they perform better than average at tasks
that would daunt others, according to new US research.
"Narcissists will leave everyone else to do the drudgery and come in at the end to take all the
credit, or show up when there's some opportunity to be admired," says Roy Baumeister of Case Western
Reserve University, Ohio, who led the research.
"But if you need someone to make a crucial presentation or to do something spectacular, they could
be good to have around," he adds.
The study is the first to find that narcissistic people perform better on tasks that give them
the opportunity for glory, Baumeister says.
In the mirror
The team studied 248 people, who completed questionnaires assessing the degree to which they agreed
with statements such as: I am an extraordinary person, I like to look at myself in the mirror, the
world would be a better place if I ruled it.
They then took part in four tests: the children's board game Operation (a test of manual skill),
darts, and measures of arithmetic and creativity.
People who scored higher on the narcissism measure performed on average about 20 per cent better
on the tests when they were given the chance to shine, says Baumeister.
"For example, we'd have an audience present or not present. Or we'd tell them that to do well,
they'd have to outperform 95 per cent of other people, or only 50 per cent. Being better than average
isn't much incentive to a narcissist, but 95 per cent was something they could really shoot for,"
he says.
Noxious self esteem
When given a high or public target to aim for, the more narcissistic people also performed better
than those with lower narcissism scores.
But the trait is poorly understood, Baumeister says: "We are at a fairly early stage of finding
out about these people and what makes them tick."
Most people have a degree of narcissism, but at its extreme it is characterised by a "noxious
sense of self esteem," he says. "But why people grow up to be narcissists is a really important question
and we do not have enough data on that."
Baumeister presented his research at the annual conference of the British Psychological Society
in Blackpool.
The perpetrators of the recent spate of financial frauds in the USA acted with callous disregard
for both their employees and shareholders - not to mention other stakeholders. Psychologists have
often remote-diagnosed them as "malignant, pathological narcissists".
Narcissists are driven by the need to uphold and maintain a false self - a concocted, grandiose,
and demanding psychological construct typical of the narcissistic personality disorder. The false
self is projected to the world in order to garner "narcissistic supply" - adulation, admiration,
or even notoriety and infamy. Any kind of attention is usually deemed by narcissists to be preferable
to obscurity.
The false self is suffused with fantasies of perfection, grandeur, brilliance, infallibility,
immunity, significance, omnipotence, omnipresence, and omniscience. To be a narcissist is to be convinced
of a great, inevitable personal destiny. The narcissist is preoccupied with ideal love, the construction
of brilliant, revolutionary scientific theories, the composition or authoring or painting of the
greatest work of art, the founding of a new school of thought, the attainment of fabulous wealth,
the reshaping of a nation or a conglomerate, and so on. The narcissist never sets realistic goals
to himself. He is forever preoccupied with fantasies of uniqueness, record breaking, or breathtaking
achievements. His verbosity reflects this propensity.
Reality is, naturally, quite different and this gives rise to a "grandiosity gap". The demands
of the false self are never satisfied by the narcissist's accomplishments, standing, wealth, clout,
sexual prowess, or knowledge. The narcissist's grandiosity and sense of entitlement are equally incommensurate
with his achievements.
To bridge the grandiosity gap, the malignant (pathological) narcissist resorts to shortcuts. These
very often lead to fraud.
The narcissist cares only about appearances. What matters to him are the facade of wealth and
its attendant social status and narcissistic supply. Witness the travestied extravagance of Tyco's
Denis Kozlowski. Media attention only exacerbates the narcissist's addiction and makes it incumbent
on him to go to ever-wilder extremes to secure uninterrupted supply from this source.
The narcissist lacks empathy - the ability to put himself in other people's shoes. He does not
recognize boundaries - personal, corporate, or legal. Everything and everyone are to him mere instruments,
extensions, objects unconditionally and uncomplainingly available in his pursuit of narcissistic
gratification.
This makes the narcissist perniciously exploitative. He uses, abuses, devalues, and discards even
his nearest and dearest in the most chilling manner. The narcissist is utility-driven, obsessed with
his overwhelming need to reduce his anxiety and regulate his labile sense of self-worth by securing
a constant supply of his drug - attention. American executives acted without compunction when they
raided their employees' pension funds - as did Robert Maxwell a generation earlier in Britain.
Murray's weakest "case" involves Carly Fiorna at H-P. Here he contends that the board's initial
concern involved Carly's complex matrix structure, and being out more than she was in (130 speeches
in her last year). Then here overreaction to their concerns and desire for an operations leader led
to her firing. Ignored were some of the serious costs of her matrix structure. The new CEO substantially
improved H-P through laying off another 15,300 without any loss of revenues - mostly from the centralized
personnel, finance, and in-house technical staffs she created. Hurd also split PCs back off from
printers, phased out centralized selling (CSC) unit, raising product-manager accountable costs from
30% to 80%. A third major step was to centralize IT - databases went from 85 with 7,000 applications
to 6 with 1,500 - cutting IT costs from 4% to 2%, using all H-P equipment and then using the experience
and expertise to help sell services and equipment elsewhere. Thus, poor performance was also a major
issue, as well as Carly's seemingly annual round of layoffs. (Most CEOs try to get this over all
at once.) Regardless, Carly's leaving during the turmoil with her board to attend an economic conference
in Switzerland was probably the last straw.
As a 21-year HP veteran who survived the Carly "cult of personality" years,
I would describe this book as self-serving hogwash. In my opinion, her abrupt dispatch was the much
deserved result of arrogance and incompetence, not sexism. In thousands of conversations with other
HP employees during those five years, not once did I hear disparaging comments regarding her gender.
The merger with Compaq was of dubious business value but allowed her to place her mark on this venerated
company while diluting a culture based on egalitarianism and merit. HP missed quarter after quarter
under Carly's leadership, the stock price dropped by 75%, and she blames everyone but herself. New
CEO Mark Hurd demonstrated a more thorough understanding of the HP businesses during his first employee
meeting than Carly ever had, and won back much of the employee drive and dedication that Carly squandered.
HP hasn't missed a quarter since and the stock price has more than doubled. Carly bolstered HP's
sagging brand, to be sure; spin is her specialty. But it seemed to employees that Carly then
usurped the brand for her own personal glory.
Carly eliminated thousands of competent and loyal HP employees who didn't get $42M golden parachutes,
so please spare us the crocodile tears. Avoiding this book shouldn't be a Tough Choice for anyone.
How to Make a Mess and Deny Responsibility, October 11, 2006
Sweet, smart, decent Carly Fiorina--how well she does faux innocence. She has no idea why she was
fired! How could they fire her? All she did was to almost destroy a big company while making oodles
of money for herself and spending her time getting her perfectly coiffed photos published. She writes
that she likes to work with people--she must have really enjoyed making thousands of hard-working
HP employees miserable.
What's behind that tight smile? You won't know by reading her memoir, which is a book-length public
relations release. It describes her career choices and corporate battles without useful insight.
The cumbersome business jargon is annoying, but not quite as annoying as the bland, fake front she
puts up. To get the real story of her ambitious drive up the executive ladder and ill-considered
battle to acquire Compaq, read Backfire by Peter Burrows. That fight left HP reeling and its board
a war zone, with leak investigations leading to the questionable tactics now under investigation
by California prosecutors.
Sure, HP had troubles and needed change, but her dreadful management left it a complete, chaotic
shambles. It would be good to understand how things went so very wrong, but Fiorina is no better
at explaining than she was at running the firm. Predictably, she goes for the "gender" card to defend
herself. So let's be fair: she was certainly no worse than the male board members who agreed to her
outrageous pay package. She and they could be icons for all that's wrong with corporate America.
This is an illusion that you can get past the narcissist's defenses with compassionate, empathetic
communication. Once you fully grasp the fact that a narcissist is an abuser, why would you do anything
but fight or run for the hills? You cannot help them. You cannot heal them. You will not change
them. As one reader pointed out "Here are some of the behaviors described:
1. They are never EVER wrong.
2. They never admit to anything.
3. Nothing is ever a great idea unless it comes from them.
4. You will never get any credit for what you do. Ever.
5. They don't seem to know or care how what they say might impact you.
6. You get hopelessly entangled in their arguments, and it never leads to a resolution.
7. Emotion = Weakness."
Paperback: 184 pages
Publisher: New Harbinger Publications (March 2008)
I'm a 51 year old female who needed to read this book when I was 11 and then promptly be moved
to another family! Both of my parents are Narcissists, but I didn't know what it was until I read
this book. The book describes exactly how I was treated by both of my parents and why I never had
a sense of self. I was never asked my thoughts, I was told how I was going to think and what I was
going to do. Everything this book details is real. 15 years ago I severed ties with my father because
he was the more physical abuser. I just recently I severed ties with my mother. Both of them are
very abusive. I didn't realize what a lacky I was to my mother but always felt she didn't like me,
or was jealous of me, or always but always disappointed her.
She has tried to take over my life, my husband - almost telling me how to have sex with him or
someone else will do it for me and my house by walking in rearranging my furniture, putting things
on the wall and telling me that she's "helping me" and how everything would look so much better
her way and has divided my 2 brothers and I to where we don't speak to one another anymore and she
has blamed me for it.
The control, mental abuse and meanness is behind closed doors and out in the open other
people always wondered why I was so sensitive around my mother because she always was so delightful
to be around.
I moved away from my family when I was 24, and have back around my mother for 10 years. I'm absolutely
drained of emotion. I understand now why I had depression and still have it and why I feel I need
to please everyone and be a non entity.
From reading this book, I am working on being my own person with my own actual thoughts and views
and hold my head up high. The book does give you examples on how to get along with this type of person,
only if you want to get along with them.
For those who do, its a good guideline. For those who don't, read this book and beat your demons!
What you thought was happening to you - it was and this validates those thoughts - the narcissist
isn't ever going to validate you as a person. Break Free! This book has helped me tremendously
to understand "it wasn't me" and I just might be worthy of someone loving me. 51 years to find that
out.... what a waste of a life.
I dated someone who is described in this book, and while together I didn't know what the heck
was wrong with her thinking at times...that is until I read this book. A happy relationship most
of the time, it then became crazy other times, getting worse and worse as time went on. Eleanor Payson
hits it right on the nose and explains the child-like behaviors that would occasionally surface from
an otherwise truly brilliant and highly successful woman. Here are some of the behaviors described:
1. They are never EVER wrong.
2. They never admit to anything.
3. Nothing is ever a great idea unless it comes from them.
4. You will never get any credit for what you do. Ever.
5. They don't seem to know or care how what they say might impact you.
6. You get hopelessly entangled in their arguments, and it never leads to a resolution.
7. Emotion = Weakness.
And on and on it goes. The closer you get to them, the worse it becomes. Every chapter sent me
reeling as all these behaviors are discussed. Probably half the book is highlighted in yellow and
I read it twice. It was like this book was written about her.
It also helped me confront my part in the whole thing as well.
READ THIS BOOK if you suspect a significant other or parent has these tendencies listed above.
If so, this book will blow you away. I wish I had this knowledge DURING the relationship and not
after I ended it. Understanding the dynamic has brought me some closure and the wisdom of avoiding
anything like it again. The sad (and most painful) part is that the only healthy thing you can do
is leave.
You cannot help them. You cannot heal them. You will not change them.
Fell short of what is promised, March 6, 2008
Karen E. Fauls-traynor "karenft" (Chittenango, New York USA)
Overall, I found this book to be disappointing. It was helpful in terms of learning about narcissists
and why they behave the way they do. The information about schemas and the reasons why we let narcissists
push our buttons was also interesting. What I was looking for--as promised in the book--was strategies
for dealing with people with this disorder, and I thought that those listed were very unrealistic.
The examples of helpful dialogue that the author gives are just not practical. A narcissist would
be have tuned out after the first sentence of most of those monologues. The tips for dealing with
a narcissist coworker were few and far between. Basically, I was left with the impression that
there is not much you can do about a narcissist in your life except change your own behavior or get
them out of your life.
It's important to understand that people dealing with a narcissist will get only devaluation, criticism,
and, especially, denial of any responsibility for any wrongdoing.
This book opened my eyes as a therapist about the *covert* narcissism that exists in families,
particularly among women. There are so few books identifying both of these key components. Most books
examine male narcissists along with the overt nature of the disorder. This book shines a different
light and adds to the prism of possiblities for recovery.
This book helped me understand so much., October 24, 2003
As a 48 year old guy who has been working his way out of narcissistic codependence for about 15
years, this book clarified several issues I wasn't even aware of. Specifically, Ms. Payson deals
squarely with the lack of self-esteem that a narcissist will imbue in a codependent's life. (The
narcissist says, "I'm OK, you've got a long way to go and you'll never get there anyway.) Another
thing is the insidious, clandestine way in which NPD's work their sordid magic. An NPD is someone
with narcissistic personality disorder. The author goes through a 9 item list of the pitfalls and
traps that keep a codependent codependent. Ms. Payson also explains in depth how being in a relationship
with an NPD can happen in your love life, your work life, and your family life. Often these adult
situations are a reliving of the same type of relationship from one's childhood. So much is clearer
now and I feel much steadfast in my resolve to overcome this disorder. I have reassessed many of
my friendships and old situations only to realize that I was unwittingly reliving my past.
Mrs. Payson's language is clear, warm-hearted, and exact. She uses examples based on experiences
of clients from her practice. All in all, I highly recommend this book to those who suffer from narcissistic
co-dependence and those who know someone who does.
I'm not a big fan of the self-help genre in general, but The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists
really struck home. I recently broke up with a narcissist for whom I was the codependent, and at
a number of points in the book I just had to put it down for a moment and have a "Wow" moment. Not
only Payson's descriptions of narcissistic traits (which made me a little uncomfortable, since I
recognized some of my own behavior in them) but also her descriptions of the dynamics between narcissists
and codependents have the ring of authentic experience; that's really what it's like being with an
NPD sufferer. She also made me wonder: was this last one just the tip of the iceberg? Were there
more before? Will there be more afterward? Some of this stuff gets pretty scary, but I really couldn't
put the book down.
I did take one star away for the writing, which is...well, not so great. There are lots of cliches,
and the proofreading seems to be sort of nonexistent. ("Illusive" rather than "elusive?" Hmmm.) I
found the writing distracting at points, but the force of the points Payson makes generally overcame
the sludgy prose.
This Hits The Nail On The Head!, September 19, 2005
I've been in a committed relationship with someone who can double-talk circles about absolutely
anything and around absolutely anyone. He rarely tells the truth about anything -- no matter
how small the situation. Nothing is ever his fault. The most benign statement to him throws
him into immediate defensive or striking-out-at-anyone mode. He doesn't give the slightest care about
the effect his words or behavior has on anyone else's feelings or life. I thought I wasn't understanding
enough, kind enough, or patient enough. This book helped rescue me from sure insanity! If you
have a feeling you're in a relationship of confusion, lies, and emotional abuse -- you're probably
living with someone in the throes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). This is a must
read handbook to help you sort through all the smoke & mirrors your "special someone" has been using
to distract you from who he (or she) really is!
Think you don't know a narcissist? Think again. Narcissists are everywhere particularly, in the
public eye. Think about the Enron and Worldcom disasters. Do you think Skilling and Fastow or Ebbers
and Sullivan aren't as narcissistic as they come? They fit the mold in spades. And how about our
cultural obsession with these egotists? Aren't we somewhat awestruck by the "My ... doesn't stink"
stars? From time-to-time, we're all a bit 'wowed.' I'm certainly guilty but perhaps now I'll have
a better understanding of the circumstances surrounding the situations and 'icons' involved. WHY
IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU is an extremely insightful expose' on the egotists in your world, whether
mildly or flagrantly narcissistic. And, this 'disease' doesn't just apply to our public figures;
it can be as close as your immediate family or, heaven forbid, yourself!
Narcissism derives its origin from a youth in classical Greek Mythology, Narcissus. The story
goes that one day Narcissus saw his reflection in a pool of water and immediately fell in love with
his image. From that very moment, he began to see everything as it related to his own image. The
world was his looking glass and his insatiable appetite for himself took him all over the globe,
and he was invariably pleased with what he saw. He left in his path a troubling wake which slipped
like a fever through the people who saw him.
Ms. Hotchkiss has nailed this subject when she posits "Their needs are more important than anyone
else's, and they expect to be accommodated in all things. They can't comprehend why they might not
always come first." Narcissists are endearing, enticing creatures typically with extremely thick
skins....but only to certain elements. Think about the guy or gal at the cocktail party who brazenly
bullies his or her opinion on any and all subjects without any plausible evidence to back them up.
Some find these people oppressive, some finding them fascinating. (As for me, I've just come to grips
with the unmistakable fact that the breakup of a previous business partnership was due primarily
to a case of narcissism. A childhood friend of mine who eventually became my partner was image-laden.
Eventually, all things relative to our business became 'how did it benefit him?' Without knowledge
of what I was experiencing, I became disenchanted and extremely angry. Perhaps if I'd had Ms. Hotchkiss's
book at hand, I might have been able to craft an alternative path and save the partnership. Regardless,
I have no regrets at this point.)
Ms. Hotchkiss doesn't necessarily offer any new information about the origins of narcissism but
she does a fascinating job of portraying the disorder and the types of behaviors associated with
this 'malady.' According to Ms. Hotchkiss, narcissists morph their personalities to sng to achieve
the adulation they seek.
Ms. Hotchkiss breaks the narcissist down for the reader outlining the attributes one should understand.
She entitles these attributes, "The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" as follows: Shamelessness, Magical
Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation and Bad Boundaries. Ms. Hotchkiss illustrates
these qualities with profiles of the narcissists she's encountered throughout the book. The irrefutable
moral of each story is that these people are missing out on what's really important. They are so
busy loving themselves that they've forgotten to love anyone else.
I admit to being disappointed in this book. Even so, it was a useful overview of a pervasive problem,
one that faces most of us much of the time: how do we deal with self-absorbed narrcisists without
being untrue to ourselves?
Things I liked about the book include the use of illuminating examples, the checklists and suggested
courses of action in dealing with particular kinds of issues, and the excellent explanation of what
narrcissism is and where it comes from. In fact, the examples she gave of narcissism in action were
all extremely good and useful. After reading several books on the subject, I have to say I think
she does the best job of providing examples and elucidating them.
Things I did not like about the book include the fact that since she covers so very much ground,
much of it is covered superficially. One thing she did frequently that eventually grated on me a
lot was to include a disclaimer right before offering advice about how to proceed in some particular
kind of encounter with a narcissist. This disclamer essentially said "make sure you aren't being
guilty of any narcissism before you start". Well, that makes sense. But one of the things the book
makes clear is that narcissists can't really see that they are doing anything wrong at all. And so,
I had to wonder exactly how is the reader supposed to determine whether, in this case, she is acting
rationally or narcissistically?
In conjunction with other books, I think this one is useful. However, be prepared for a certain
level of superficiality.
Claire is 47, a mother of two, and recently divorced. Her ex-husband, Dan, 58, was a successful
businessman when they met 12 years ago. "By the time we separated," she says, "I no longer knew what
was true and what was a lie. I was emotionally battered, my confidence was in shreds, and I felt
the person I had once been had somehow been sucked out of me by Dan's bullying and manipulation."
A friend studying to be a psychotherapist suggested she look up narcissism on the internet. "I
began reading everything I could, and that led me to narcissistic personality disorder [NPD]. It
made me realise that not only me but a couple of friends had experienced something similar in their
relationships. NPD is said to be particularly prevalent among the driven and ambitious.
"At first, I thought Dan was a really secure guy, with normal values and objectives. A person
with NPD will be whatever you want him to be – as long as it suits him. Then, suddenly, you're in
exile, and you're left perplexed, blaming yourself for what you've apparently done wrong. I was either
worshipped or, more often, undermined. At the same time, whatever traits you have that he finds attractive
– and therefore threatening to his own sense of superiority – he will set out to destroy.
"As the marriage progressed and I discovered more of his lies, the angrier he became and the more
he drank," Claire recalls. "I begged him to get help for the sake of the children – not realising
that the root of the problem was probably NPD."
Dan agreed, but later Claire found out that the time he was supposed to be spending in alcohol-addiction
centres and on anger-management courses, he was with his girlfriends. "Healthy narcissistic tendencies
are life-preserving," she says. "But when the narcissism is extreme, it's hugely destructive to everyone
around. It's a form of emotional abuse that isn't properly recognised yet, and it ought to be. Narcissists play a subtle, long-term psychological game that is truly deadly to the other person's
psyche."
Claire is one of a growing number of people in Britain who are convinced their partner, boss or
one of their parents has NPD.
Although Freud published his study On Narcissism in 1914, NPD wasn't officially recognised as
a personality disorder in the US until the 1980s. Seen as the high-flyers' disease, often allied
with drugs, gambling and alcohol abuse, it is now a multi-billion-dollar industry.
... ... ...
In the myth, falling in love with one's own image is seen as punishment for being incapable of
loving another. In reality, NPD, at its most extreme, can lead to murder. In 2004, the public-school
boy Brian Blackwell, 19, stabbed and bludgeoned his parents to death at their home in Merseyside
before embarking on a £30,000 spending spree. He was obsessed with fantasies of success, power and
brilliance, claiming, for instance, that he was a world-class tennis player. He was diagnosed as
suffering from NPD.
NPD appears to affect men more than women. A person with NPD is spectacularly lacking in curiosity
or concern for others, but can easily simulate both if it ensures the continuation of what psychiatrists
call "the narcissistic supply" of uncritical admiration and adulation.
In Narcissism: Denial of the True Self, first published in 1985, the American psychiatrist Dr
Alexander Lowen refers to the case of Erich, brought to him by his girlfriend, Janice. Dr Lowen asks
Erich about his feelings. "Feelings!" Erich replies. "I don't have any feelings… I programme my behaviour
so that it is effective in the world."
Erich describes his mother as perpetually on the verge of hysteria, provoked by a father who was
cold and hostile. Dr Lowen diagnoses that Erich has deadened his emotions in response to his parents'
dysfunctional relationship. He writes: "The narcissistic image develops in part as a compensation
for an unacceptable self-image and, in part, as a defence against intolerable feelings… a state of
living death." Erich, in his relationship with Janice, has continued to shut down feeling while exercising
power. "He got her to love him without any loving response on his part," Dr Lowen explains. "Such
exploitativeness is common to all narcissistic personalities."
So, how do you know if a person has NPD? Mental-health professionals in Europe and the US draw
on two sets of guidelines that are regularly updated by international groups of psychologists and
psychiatrists to help make a diagnosis. The ICD-10, the World Health Organization's classification
of mental and behavioural disorders, published in 1992, lists nine categories of personality disorder,
but does not include NPD.
In the US, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was first published by the
American Psychiatric Association in 1952, in part to provide a benchmark for insurance companies
handling medical claims. The fourth and current version (DSM-IV), published in 1994, lists 10 categories
of personality disorder (see page 27) of which NPD is one. (DSM-V is due to be published in 2010.)
DSM-IV also gives a list of nine characteristics, of which a person has to have at least five before
NPD is considered.
The nine include
a grandiose sense of self-importance;
preoccupations with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love;
a belief that he or she is "special", only understood by other "special" people;
a need for admiration;
a sense of entitlement or unreasonable expectations of favourable treatment;
exploitative, taking advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends;
unwillingness to recognise or identify with the needs of others;
envious of others, or thinks others are envious of him or her,
arrogance.
In its most extreme form, known as malignant narcissism, paranoia and physical aggression may
also be displayed: Stalin, Hitler and Saddam Hussein come to mind. In the rich and successful, many
of the characteristics of NPD are of course seen as positive attributes. In a 2005 study, the psychologists
Belinda Board and Katarina Fritzon at Surrey University found that three personality disorders,
including NPD, were more common in managers than in criminals.
In an article in The New York Times, Board explained: "A smattering of egocentricity, a soupçon
of grandiosity, a smidgen of manipulativeness and lack of empathy, and you have someone who can climb
the corporate ladder and stay on the right side of the law, but still be a horror to work with. Add
a bit more of those characteristics, plus lack of remorse and physical aggression, and you have someone
who ends up behind bars.
"What's important is the degree to which a person has each ingredient or characteristic, and in
what configuration."
Since many people may belong to more than one category of personality disorder, DSM-IV divides
the categories into three clusters. NPD belongs to Cluster B – dramatic, emotional or erratic types,
embracing histrionic, narcissistic, antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
"The characteristics and categories provide clues, but not a definitive diagnosis," says Professor
Eddie Kane, the director of the Personality Disorder Institute at Nottingham University. "While it's
clear when a person is psychotic or schizophrenic, we have to be wary in diagnosing personality disorder.
Putting a label on someone's behaviour that may have an enormous impact on their lives has to be
very carefully considered."
In a paper published this May in The British Journal of Psychiatry, Professor Peter Tyrer and
colleagues from the department of psychological medicine at Imperial College London wrote unequivocally:
"The assessment of personality disorder is currently inaccurate, largely unreliable, frequently wrong
and in need of improvement."
And the psychiatrist Dr Paul Moran of the Institute of Psychiatry in London, the author of several
papers on personality disorders, says: "A number of biases can distort the assessment of personality.
For instance, there is evidence to suggest that the term "personality disorder" may itself be a label
applied to unlikable patients who are regarded as difficult. A person can be supremely confident,
superficially charming, and only choosing to treat people as stepping stones in his life. But does
that mean he's displaying signs of NPD? At present in the UK, our understanding of the characteristics,
causes and treatment of NPD are very rudimentary. It's still only a theory about how some people
might behave. However, I have no doubt that individuals can and do manifest these traits."
In 2006, a team that included Professor Jeremy Coid of the forensic-psychiatry unit at St Bartholomew's
Hospital, London, published an assessment of the prevalence of personality disorders in Great Britain
in the British Journal of Psychiatry. The study concluded that they are "common", affecting nearly
1 in 20 people (4.4%) – previous estimates have given a higher figure of 10-13%. What the study failed
to find, however, was a single case of NPD. (DSM-IV estimates that about 1% of the US population
has NPD.)
"That does not mean it doesn't exist in the UK," Professor Coid says. "The questionnaires used
to pick it up do not work very well because not many people admit to these criteria. People don't
like to admit they are arrogant and envious."
One reason why people with NPD appear few in number is that they are treatment resistant. Put
plainly, they don't believe they have a problem, so they rarely present themselves for help.
Shmuel "Sam" Vaknin, 46, has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder twice. He is
unusual in that he accepts the diagnosis, uniquely turning it into a way to provide an international
source of narcissistic supply. Born in Israel, since the mid-1990s he has written extensively about
himself and NPD, both on the internet and in books, including his magnus opus, Malignant Self Love
– Narcissism Revisited. Hundreds interact daily on his websites. He insists that he offers help and
advice only to ensure a narcissistic supply of attention that confirms his superiority, intelligence
and specialness – not because he cares.
Vaknin is an unsettling combination of the chilling and the charming. In conversation, it's
hard to disentangle truth from the narcissist's tools of the trade – exaggeration, flattery, grandiosity
and the display of fake vulnerability and self-pity to elicit sympathy. He is a verified
economist, award-winning writer, poet, philosopher, journalist and financial consultant. He is also,
he says, a failure. On one of his websites, he writes: "I have lived in 12 countries, worked in 50,
and I don't think there is one that will take me back. I consider the businesses I drove to bankruptcy
with my narcissistic temper tantrums and superiority contests… The fortunes I squandered… I cherished
and revelled in my self-annihilation."
Vaknin lives in Skopje, Macedonia. He is one of five siblings, but he hasn't seen his family for
over a decade. His father was a construction worker from Morocco, who suffered from clinical depression.
"Violence was the main channel of communication," Vaknin says. His mother was from Turkey. She believed
she was a prodigy, but had to leave school and sell shoes to rich people at the age of 14. "I have
an IQ of 180 and it was her enormous misfortune to have me as her first-born," Vaknin says. "My parents
were ill-equipped to deal with normal children, let alone the gifted. I was her ambassador to the
world, but I also constituted a threat." Vaknin says his mother is a narcissist. In a short story
– Nothing's Happening at Home – fiction based on his own childhood, he describes the life of a six-year-old
with a violent, resentful and unpredictable mother. " …mother takes a broom to me and beats me forcefully
on the back and all the neighbors [sic] watch… on the floor is this large yellow puddle in which
I stand. Mummy's broom gets all wet and the neighbors [sic] laugh… She takes down my trousers and
I am exposed to the jeering crowd, drenched and naked. It isn't a good day, this one".
"Children with narcissistic parents are objectified. They are like circus animals, performing
on order, to extract a little love," Vaknin says. "I don't hate my mother. I hate what her illness
did to her. I began to live as if life is a film and I'm playing out a script, totally detached to
fend off hurt and injury. Now, I am a monster. Underneath the skin, I am a hideously deformed individual.
When you look at the quadriplegic, you can understand if he can only wink – the quadriplegic is a
marathon runner compared to me and my emotional disability."
At 17, Vaknin left home to join the army and never returned. He was first diagnosed with NPD at
26. He was living in opulence in London with his then wife, Nomi. On her insistence, he visited a
psychiatrist. "When I first received the diagnosis, I was mortified and very frightened. Then, as
a typical narcissist, I thought, 'Can I use the diagnosis as leverage to become famous? Make money?'
The answer was yes."
In 1995, Vaknin was diagnosed for a second time by a psychiatrist in an Israeli jail. He was serving
11 months for fraud, trying to manipulate the price of stock. In jail he began to write Malignant
Self Love – Narcissism Revisited.
"I am no healthier today than I was when I wrote that book. My disorder is here to stay, the prognosis
is poor and alarming. The vast majority of narcissists end up at the very top or the very bottom
– derelict, desolate, schizoid, bitter, decaying and decrepit. You won't find any in the middle.
My narcissism is much worse than it used to be. As my capacities dwindle, minute by minute, the gap
between reality and grandiosity becomes bigger and bigger. The larger the gulf, the more narcissistic
defences are needed.
"I am an abject failure in comparison to my potential. I should have been a public intellectual.
But people don't like looking in the mirror, and I like forcing them to look."
Vaknin has been married to his second wife, Lidija, 37, for five years, and they have been together
for 10. She is Macedonian. Lidija would like a child. In response, Vaknin says he is a cerebral narcissist,
relying on his intellect to attract a narcissistic supply. He is not much interested in sex. "For
Lidija, our relationship is a constant war of attrition," Vaknin says. "I think she is very tired.
She says sometimes she is being erased. But she stays, so I must respond to some of her emotional
needs. A narcissist infiltrates his partners like acid," he explains. "If she fails to erect strong
defences, the narcissist takes over, forcing the eviction of the person's original self."
Vaknin says narcissism recruits as it infects. "Narcissism creates a bubble universe similar
to a cult. In the bubble, special rules apply that do not always correspond to an outer reality.
The narcissist conditions people, so the victims come to assimilate the narcissist's way of thinking.
You can abandon the narcissist but the narcissist never abandons you. We are like body snatchers."
Lidija Vaknin appears undaunted. "Some people think I'm crazy to stay with him, but I've discovered
I am strong. At the beginning, several times a day, I wanted to leave. Now, it's easier. My father
was a narcissist and very physically abusive. My previous partner was violent. I learnt to read the
eyes, the mouth, the body language. I don't feed Sam's need for admiration. We talk and tackle the
issue. Sometimes I have to repeat what I say many times, and sometimes I give up trying.
"On occasions, he is untouchable. If he's in that state, I don't even try to communicate. He has
his own world, and if I try to enter it, he explodes into many pieces. We are a good match. Sam is
clever and funny. He makes jokes about himself, which is rare for a narcissist."
Lidija's sister, Meri Petrov, says of Vaknin: "I've never met a man like him. He knows how to
be a good friend, but one minute everything is going well, then suddenly he says horrible things
and has a terrible anger. One minute he's kind, the next I can't define him. My sister has found
a way to live with him, I don't know how."
Vaknin believes his NPD was triggered by childhood trauma and abuse. "Every human being develops
healthy narcissism. That is rendered pathological by abuse. By 'abuse' I mean refusal to acknowledge
the emerging boundaries of the individual. Smothering, doting and excessive expectations are as abusive
as beating and incest."
Dr Bob Johnson, consultant psychiatrist and co-founder of the James Nayler Foundation to further
research into personality disorders, agrees. "Personality disorders are all to do with software.
The trauma a person has experienced in childhood. They have nothing to do with predispositions or
genetics or the type of society in which a person lives. Address the trauma and the personality disorder
evaporates. But the individual first has to want to change."
Professor Eddie Kane disagrees. He says the causes of personality disorders, including NPD,
may turn out to be "multi-factorial". Biological, psychological and social-risk factors may
have differing impacts on different individuals. Dr Joel Paris, professor of psychiatry at McGill
University, Montreal, suggested 10 years ago that: "Personality disorders are pathological
amplifications of normal personality traits… different social structures tend to reinforce
some traits and discourage others." The DSM-IV definition of personality disorder refers to behaviour
"that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture" – but could a narcissistic
culture act as a hothouse for NPD?
The American Dr Theodore Millon is an internationally renowned psychologist and psychiatrist.
In Personality Disorders in Modern Life (2000), written with Roger Davis, he argued that pathological
narcissism gained prominence only in the late 20th century. "Individuals in less advantaged
nations… are too busy trying (to survive) to be arrogant and grandiose." Millon and Davis
attribute pathological narcissism to "a society that stresses individualism and self-gratification
at the expense of the community, namely the United States". Others see western culture devaluing
and undermining the very elements, home and family life, work, self-reliance and healthy personal
relationships that act as protective factors against narcissism.
An extensive study showing the significant growth of narcissism in the US was published earlier
this year. Headed by Jean Twenge, professor of psychology at San Diego State University, it assessed
the responses of 15,234 college students, between 1987 and 2006, to a test called the Narcissistic
Personality Inventory. It attempts to rate changes in areas such as self- esteem, assertiveness and
whether individuals see themselves as leaders. As part of the inventory, students are asked to agree
or disagree with statements such as, "I think I am a special person." The study found, "an alarming
rise in narcissism and self-centredness". It discovered that the average college student scored higher
in narcissism than 65% of students 19 years earlier. "We've seen a distinct increase in narcissism,"
Twenge says. "Is some of it healthy narcissism? I'm not sure there is such a thing."
Twenge is also the author of Generation Me: Why Today's Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive,
Entitled – and More Miserable than Ever Before, published last year. "The rise in narcissism has
very deep roots," Twenge says. "We fixate on self-esteem and unthinkingly build narcissism because
we believe the needs of the individual are paramount."
Yet, in highly narcissistic societies, millions do not develop NPD – why not? The psychologist
Dr Jeffrey Young suggests an antidote might be: "Unconditional parental love that includes
fair and firm boundaries, consistent discipline and a resistance to the inclination to spoil."
... ... ...
I spoke to several psychiatrists about what a person should do if he or she believes a partner
has NPD. The response was unanimous: "Leave." "The children of narcissists may find themselves attracted
to narcissists, because they have had an early training," says Dr Michael Isaac, consultant psychiatrist
and senior lecturer in psychological medicine at Guy's, King's and St Thomas's medical schools in
London. "But for other women, what often happens is a dovetailing of needs. A woman may feel a sense
of service and self-abnegation. Or she may entertain the notion that she is his chosen one. It's
only later the pleasure becomes pain."
Claire has no regrets about making her break. Her ex-husband, Dan, rejects the suggestion that
he has NPD. "If you have a lot invested in your choice of man, denial about his behaviour is easy.
I thought it was my fault I couldn't reach him. Learning about NPD put together a lot of the pieces
in our marriage that had refused to fit before. I now know, if you're living with someone who has
the disorder, whatever you do will never be enough. Be warned."
... ... ...
How narcissistic are you?
If a person displays five or more of the following traits, they are likely to have narcissistic
tendencies
A grandiose sense of self-importance (eg, exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to
be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements)
Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love
Believes that he or she is 'special' and unique, and can only be understood by, or should
associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
Requires excessive admiration
Has a sense of entitlement, ie, unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment
or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
Is interpersonally exploitative, ie, takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others
Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been recognized as a seperate mental health disorder
in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistics Manual (DSM) in 1980. Its diagnostic criteria
and their interpretation have undergone a major revision in the DSM III-R (1987) and were substantially
revamped in the DSM IV in 1994. The European ICD-10 basically contains identical language.
An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation
and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts.
Five (or more) of the following criteria must be met:
Feels grandiose and self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents to the point
of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled
brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist),
or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion
Firmaly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by,
should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or
institutions)
Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation -or, failing that, wishes
to be feared and to be notorious (narcissistic supply).
Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favourable priority treatment. Demands
automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations
Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends
Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with or acknowledge the feelings and
needs of others
Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her
Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted,
or confronted.
There are different types of narcissistic disorder according to, Alexander Lowen, M.D., in his
book, Narcissism – Denial of True Self, "Narcissism covers a broad spectrum of behavior
"
Lowen lists five types of what he terms, "narcissistic character" in order of increasing narcissism
as:
"Phallic-Narcissistic Character
Narcissistic Character – which he applies not to all types of narcissists but this type only
Borderline Personality Disorder
Psychopathic Personality
Paranoid Personality "
Lowen explains, "… the more narcissistic one is, the less one is identified with his or her feelings
is inversely proportional to the degree of narcissism … there is a correlation between the denial
of or lack of feeling and the lack of a sense of self." (Pg 14)
"People who are overly narcissistic commonly feel rejected, humiliated and threatened when
criticised. To protect themselves from these dangers, they often react with disdain, rage, and/or
defiance to any slight, real or imagined. To avoid such situations, some narcissistic people withdraw
socially and may feign modesty or humility." (Wikipedia)
The picture of narcissism is a confusing one, however, because not all professionals or theorists
agree on everything about it. Some tend to describe narcissism in ways that would suggest that it
is the same or manifests very similarly regardless of its originating sources, others totally disagree
with that and posit that the narcissism seen, to one degree or another, in all personality disorders
has its origin specific to the arrested emotional developmental stage that largely causes any given
personality disorder.
"There is a broad spectrum of pathologically narcissistic personalities, styles, and reactions
-- from the very mild, reactive and transient, to the severe and inflexible narcissistic personality
disorder." (Wikipedia)
There are vastly different reasons and manifestations in those with NPD and those with BPD that
are different in causation or origin and that are also different in the roles that they play in the
pathological dysfunctional structures of each personality disorder. (Masterson)
To gain a clearer perspective of narcissism it is important to be aware of its source. The source
of what causes narcissism in people is not the same for all people who are narcissistic. The same
is true of the ways in which narcissism is manifested within the various syndromes or disorders on
the spectrum of narcissism. Depending upon the source the disorder in personality may manifest as
NPD, or BPD, and/or other personality disorders.
"The common use of the term narcissism refers to some of the ways people defend themselves
against this narcissistic dynamic: a concern with one's own physical and social image, a preoccupation
with one's own thoughts and feelings, and a sense of grandiosity. There are, however, many other
behaviors that can stem from narcissistic concerns, such as immersion in one's own affairs to the
exclusion of others, an inability to empathize with others' experience, interpersonal rigidity, an
insistence that one's opinions and values are "right," and a tendency to be easily offended and take
things personally." (Wikipedia)
Aside from being varying degrees of experienced and manifested narcissism the points at which
early childhood psychological and developmental arrests occur and the reasons for these narcissistic
injuries are not all the same. They do not take place at the same age or for, necessarily the same
reasons. Added to this is the reality that not all with any form of narcissism will necessarily display
or manifest that narcissism exactly the same as others. Even those who have varying degrees of narcissism
are individuals.
It is also important to note that while narcissism is a common thread, to one degree or another,
in all personality disorders. (MSN Encarta Encyclopedia) This should not see everyone with narcissism
lumped into the definition of NPD. Those with NPD and BPD, while they may share some similarities
are not one in the same either. (Masterson) (Lachkar)
There is also such a thing as healthy narcissism that also needs to not be confused with pathological
or unhealthy narcissism. We must also take into consideration when dealing with anyone with narcissistic
traits, that we also live in highly narcissistic cultures.
This also has an effect on our over-all perception of and experience with all that narcissism,
across its continuum, in our daily lives.
Not everything from everyone that has some narcissistic features to it means that someone has
NPD or even BPD. Those who have personality disorders can benefit from professional diagnosis and
treatment. However, it is important not to assign pathology to someone, without them being assessed
by a professional.
In order to put NPD into perspective it is important to be aware that narcissism is, to one degree
or another, a feature of all personality disorders. Narcissism, like the traits that define BPD are
found in the general population and are human traits, is found in everyone as well (healthy narcissism).
Narcissism, no matter from where on the spectrum, aside from being in the healthy realm, it originates
is a major contributing factor to those who have these features, to one degree or another, having
considerable and substantial difficulty building and maintaining healthy adult age-appropriate relationships.
For those who are in or have ended relationships with people who fall somewhere on this continuum
of narcissism the reality of the pain and damage experienced is significant and traumatic.
With a back-drop of an ever-proliferating culture of narcissism in many societies and cultures
it may be too easy, equally erroneous, and not helpful to anyone if we lump everything together in
attempts to find reasons for our negative and painful experiences and/or for all that goes wrong
in very human attempts to relate, to understand each other, and to find our way in life.
Narcissists are adept at manipulating what I call their Narcissistic Pathological Space (country,
family, friends, colleagues, workplace). They are excellent imitators (Zelig-like types, chameleons).
In the workplace they will project work ethic and the sharing of basic goals in a team work. To their
spouse they will reflect "love", to their colleagues - collaboration and mutual respect. Scratch
the surface though and out springs the ever-youthful narcissist: indignant, rageful, vengeful, dangerous,
painful.
To a narcissist-employer, his "staff" are secondary sources of narcissistic supply.
Their role is to accumulate the supply (in humanspeak, remember events that support the grandiose
self-image of the narcissist) and to regulate the narcissistic supply of the narcissist during
dry spells (simply put, to adulate, adore, admire, agree, provide attention and approval, and
so on, in other words, serve as an audience).
The staff (or should I say "stuff"?) is supposed to remain passive.
The narcissist is not interested in anything but the simplest function of mirroring. When
the mirror acquires a personality and a life of its own, the narcissist is incensed. He may even
fire the employee (an act which will help the narcissist recover his sense of omnipotence).
An employee's presumption to be his employer's equal (friendship is possible only among equals)
injures the narcissist. The narcissist is willing to accept the employee as an underling, whose very
position as such serves to support his grandiose fantasies. But the grandiosity rests on such fragile
foundations, that any hint of equality, disagreement, or of his needs (for a friend, for instance)
threatens the narcissist profoundly. The narcissist is exceedingly insecure. It is easy to destabilize
his impromptu "personality". His reactions are merely in self-defense.
Classic narcissistic behavior is when idealization followed by devaluation. The devaluating attitude
develops as a result of disagreements OR simply because time has eroded the employee's capacity to
serve as a FRESH source of supply.
In time, the employee is taken for granted by the narcissistic employer, and becomes uninspiring
as a source of adulation, admiration and attention. The narcissist needs new thrills and stimuli.
[Not true] The narcissist is notorious for his low threshold of resistance to boredom. He exhibits
impulsive behaviors and has a chaotic biography precisely because of his need to introduce uncertainty
and risk to what he regards as "stagnation" or "slow death" (=routine). Even something as innocuous
as asking for office supplies constitutes a reminder of this deflating, hated, routine.
Narcissists do many unnecessary, wrong and even dangerous things in pursuit of the stabilization
of their inflated self-image.
Narcissists feel suffocated by intimacy, or by the constant reminders of the REAL, nitty-gritty,
world. It reduces them, makes them realize the "grandiosity gap" (between their self image and reality).
It is treated as a threat to the precarious balance of their personality structures (mostly "false"
and invented).
Narcissists will forever shift the blame, pass the buck, and engage in cognitive dissonance.
They "pathologize" the other, foster feelings of guilt and shame in the other, demean, debase and
humiliate the other, in order to preserve their sense of grandiosity.
Narcissists are pathological liars. They think nothing of it because their very self is
FALSE, an invention.
Here are a few useful guidelines:
Never disagree with your narcissist-employer or contradict him.
Never offer him any intimacy.
Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements,
or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on).
Never remind him of real life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense
of grandiosity (these are the BEST art materials ANY workplace is going to have, we get them EXCLUSIVELY,
etc., etc.).
Do not make any comment which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self image,
omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, diagnostic capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked ... made a mistake here ... you don't know
... do you know ... you were not here yesterday so ... you cannot ... you should ...(perceived
as rude imposition, narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their omnipotent freedom)
... I (never mention the fact that you are a separate, independent entity.
Narcissists regard others as extensions of their selves, their internalization processes were
screwed up in their formative years and they did not differentiate objects properly)...".
My list of Narcissistic personality characteristics
When I see anyone with low self-esteem covered-up
by a grandiose presentation, I always suspect a narcissistic personality. These are the characteristics
that I look out for:
Rigid, inflexible thinking - Anyone with a different approach is seen as personally
attacking the narcissist. Rules rule, and some narcissists get inappropriately angry when they
see little things, like grammar errors. I knew a narcissistic computer programmer who would refuse
to answer any e-mail that used non-accepted word abbreviations! -("My way is the ONLY
RIGHT way and any other way is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG").
Cannot be wrong - The narcissist is never, ever wrong, and they like to present "proofs"
that they are correct. The narcissist cannot accept responsibility for making a mistake and they
are expert at diverting the blame to others - ("It's not my fault. I lost that promotion because
my team let me down").
Arrogant, boastful and pretentious - These are people with stupid/fake certificates
and awards on their walls, the kind of people who exaggerate their accomplishments or use inflated
job titles like "Engineer, Physicist" in their resume job histories. - (i.e. "I'm a Sanitation
Engineer"). This narcissistic trait is especially prevalent in computer work where people
elevate themselves to "expert" status, and then treat people in a demeaning way when they get
questions ("Boy, now that's a really stupid question. Where did you go to college?)".
Aggressive responses to criticism - ("How dare he criticize me? That lying bastard,
I swear I'll get even, if it takes years").
This essay notes
that it especially difficult to do anything critical with the narcissist because they see the
criticism as a threat to their self, making them great fun during job performance reviews:
"Since the narcissist is incapable of asserting his or her own sense of adequacy, the
narcissist seeks to be admired by others. However, the narcissist's extremely fragile sense
of self worth does not allow him or her to risk any criticism."
... ... ...
A clinical list of Narcissistic personality characteristics
This article on dealing
with narcissistic children has a good list, and has some of the items that I noted.
Reality distortion and Inability to See and Hear -- The child sees situations through
his own sense of woundedness and neediness. . .
Mood Switching --The child's fractured self is caught in mood swings. She may go
back and forth between "I'll be good" and pouting or outrage because she isn't getting what she
wants. . .
Poor Impulse Control and Frustration Tolerance -- The child is highly reactive to
outside stimuli that seem to threaten his sense of self and cannot delay gratification. He wants
things NOW! . . .
Poor Ego Boundaries and Need for Control -- The child cannot view things from any
other perspective other than his own. He is so caught in his own neediness that he cannot feel
empathy for others.
Denial of Uncomfortable Feelings --The child keeps the focus on what he wants not
how he feels. His constant demanding keeps him from feeling the pain inside.
Frequent Anger and Rage --The child substitutes anger and tantrums as a way of keeping
her uncomfortable feelings from being experienced. She becomes a master of rationalization and
justification of her explosive actions . . .
Need for Admiration --The child erroneously believes that he is special and should
be given special privileges. . .
Grandiosity and Fantasy --The child spins grandiose fantasies to cover up the internal
wounds of his fractured self. He sets up elaborate fantasy schemes of winning, becoming powerful
or gaining revenge for injustice. Daydreams of becoming rich and famous without talent or hard
work are common.
Idealization and Devaluation of Teachers or Therapists --The child will make you
feel that you are wonderful and special as long as you humor her. "As long as you give me what
I want, you are the ideal person for me" . . .
Externalization of Blame --The child cannot allow the bad feelings of being at fault
for anything. He/she/they/YOU are the problem! He avoids feeling vulnerable by blaming others.
David: Good Evening. I hope your day went well. Welcome to HealthyPlace.com and our chat
conference on "Narcissism
in the Workplace." I'm David Roberts, the moderator of tonight's chat. Some of the topics we'll
be discussing include: How to cope with a narcissistic boss. And when is it time to toss in the towel
and leave that troublesome job?
Just to clarify, Dr. Vaknin is not a therapist or medical doctor of any sort. However, he is an
expert on the subject of narcissism and a self-proclaimed narcissist. Good Evening Dr. Vaknin and
welcome to HealthyPlace.com. Just so we are all clear on the subject, can you give us a brief overview
of what narcissism is?
Dr. Vaknin: Great to be here again. Thank you for having me and for the kind words. Hello,
everyone.
Narcissists are driven by the need to uphold and maintain a false self. They use the False
Self to garner narcissistic supply which is any kind of attention adulation, admiration, or even
notoriety and infamy.
David: How does one recognize a narcissist?
Dr. Vaknin: It is close to impossible and that is the secret of their astounding success.
Narcissists are good actors. They are adept at charming others, persuading them, manipulating
them, or otherwise influencing them to do their bidding. The narcissist's sense of self-worth is
unstable (labile) so, the narcissist relies on input from other people to regulate his self-esteem
and self-confidence. He focuses on potential sources of supply and engulfs them with focused attention
and simulated deep emotions. Only in later encounter, as time passes and the number of interactions
grows, is it possible to tell that someone is a narcissist.
Narcissists are preoccuopied with grandiose fantasies unrealistic plans.
They are poor judges of reality.
They are bullies and often resort to verbal and emotional abuse.
They exploit people and then discard them.
They have no empathy and regard their co-workers as mere instruments objects, tools, and
sources of adulation, affirmation, or potential benefits.
David: So, in the beginning, you are saying they will get on your good side by charming
you and pretending to be interested in you and what you're doing. Later, what kind of behaviors should
a person expect from the: (1) narcissistic boss and (2) colleague? And I'm assuming here that the
behaviors for the two might be different.
Dr. Vaknin:Workplace narcissists seethe with anger and resentment.
The gap between reality and their grandiose flights
of fancy (the "grandiosity gap") is so great that they develop persecutory delusions, resentment
and rage.
They are also extremely and pathologically envious, seeking to destroy what they perceive
to be the sources of their constant frustration: a popular co-worker, a successful
boss, a qualified or skilled employee.
Narcissists at work crave constant attention and will go to great lengths to secure it - including
by "engineering" situations that place them at the center.
They are immature, constantly nagging and complaining, finding fault with everyone and everything.
They are very disruptive, poor team members, can rarely collaborate with others without being
cantankerous and quarrelsome.
They are control freaks and feel the compulsive and irresistible urge to interfere in
everyting to micromanage and overrule others. All in all, a highly unpleasant experience.
This sounds like myself ;-)
[Not true] Cassandras who constantly predict impending doom.
[Not true] They are intrusive and invasive. They firmly believe in their own omnipotence
and omniscience. They feel entitled to special treatment and are convinced that they are above
Man-made laws, including the rules of their place of employment.
David: If you work with or under a narcissist, it sounds like your work life might be a
living hell.
Dr. Vaknin: You would never forget it. It is traumatic and very likely to end in
actual bullying and stalking behaviors.
Many workers end up with PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
Others quit, or even relocate.
David: What kind of individual, personality-wise, is best suited to work with a narcissist
co-worker or boss?
A submissive person whose expectations are limited, moods are subdued and willingness to absorb
abuse is extended would survive with a narcissist, or even thrive in such an environment.
But the vast majority of workers are likely to suffer ill-health effects, clash with the
narcissist, or end up being sacked, reassigned, relocated, or demoted.
The narcissistic bully very often gets his way: He gets promoted, the ideas he "adopted" become
corporate policy, his misdeeds are overlooked, his misbehavior tolerated. This is partly because,
as I said earlier, narcissists are excellent liars with considerable thespian skills - and
partly because no one wants to mess around with a thug, even if his thuggery is limited to words
and gestures.
David: We have a lot of audience questions, Dr. Vaknin. Let's get to a few and then I have
a few more questions to ask you. Here's the first one:
AMichael: How common is narcissism within the population?
Dr. Vaknin: According to orthodoxy, between 0.7%-1% of the adult population suffer from
the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This figure is an underestimate.
Pathological narcissism is under-reported because, by definition, few narcissists admit that anything
is wrong with them and that they may be the source of the constant problem in their life and the
lives of their nearest or dearest. Narcissists resort to therapy only in the wake of a harrowing
life crisis.
They have alloplastic defenses - they tend to blame the world, their boss, society, God,
their spouse for their misfortune and failures. Last, but not least, psychotherapists regard
narcissists as "difficult" patients with a "severe" personality disorder - or, put plainly, lots
of work with little reward.
Narcissists, Paranoiacs and Psychotherapists
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) At a Glance.
Doria57: Is there any way to get along with these type of people at work?
Dr. Vaknin: Here are a few useful guidelines:
Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him.
Never offer him any intimacy. You are not his equal and an offer of intimacy insultingly
implies that you are.
Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements
or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on).
Never remind him of life outside his bubble and if you do, connect it somehow to his
sense of grandiosity.Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his
self-image, omnipotence, judgement, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or
even omnipresence.
Bad sentences start with: "I think you overlooked & made a mistake here & you don't know &
do you know & you were not here yesterday so & you cannot & you should, etc. These are perceived
as rude imposition. Narcissists react very badly to restrictions placed on their freedom.
Linda3003: My husband is employed by a very large university, inspite of "outstanding"
appraisals, many stolen ideas, marked increase in customer satisfaction and being very professional,
he was resently fired. His boss did not like the acolaides my husband was receiving, etc. How does
one combat the defamation?
Dr. Vaknin: Depends on your resources and your ability to accept recurrent interim defeats.
Narcissistic bosses are very tenacious and resourceful. They are pillars of the community,
usually widely respected and believed. They have at their disposal the entire wherewithal of the
organization.
People say "where there's fire, there's smoke". "If he was fired, there must have been a good
reason for it", "Why couldn't he simply get along? He must be egocentric, a bad team player." And
so on. It is un uphill battle. My advice to you is to team up with an anti-bullying group or
to have an attorney look into wrongful dismissal charges.
freedom03: I would like to know if the narcissist is aware of what they are doing?
Dr. Vaknin: Aware, cunning, premeditated, and, sometimes, even enjoying every bit of it.
But it is not malice that drives them. They believe in their own destiny, superiority, entitlement,
exemption from laws promulgated by mere mortals. The narcissist regards himself as one would an expensive
present, a gift to his company, to his family, to his neighbours, to his colleagues, to his country.
Resistance calls for strenuous measures. Disagreement with the narcissist is bound to be the outcome
of ignorance or obstructionism. Criticism is malevolent and ill-founded. The narcissist trusts that
he has the full moral justification to battle his foes. To his mind, the world is a hostile place,
full of Lilliputians who seek to shackle his genius, foresight, and natural advantages.
They aim to harness and castrate - and they deserve his ire and the ensuing punishment he metes
out to them in his infinite wisdom. It is a crusade against the injustice of not recognizing the
narcissist's true place in this world - at the pinnacle.
David: Dr. Vaknin, earlier you mention that the narcissist would act empathetic to draw
in his prey, so to speak. In light of that, here's the next question:
martha j: Can this person genuinely develop authentic empathy skills?
Dr. Vaknin: No, he cannot. Narcissists lack the basic machinery of putting themselves in
other people's shoes. They react with fury and denial when confronted with the fact that persons
in their environments are individual entities with their own idiosyncratic and specific needs, preferences,
choices, fears, hopes, and expectations. This, the refusal to grant autonomy, is at the core of abuse,
whether on the domestic front or at the workplace. To the narcissist, others are mere extensions,
instruments of gratification, sources of narcissistic supply. And nothing more than that.
delaware1974: With so many people afflicted with this - why are we making it sound like
a death sentence? All of us still need to move on with our lives ...are we supposed to give up and
accept because it's hard? We spend alot of time talking about the negative or "escaping" the narcissist,
"surviving" the narcissist, what about those of us that want to help them and NOT give up on them?
Are there LIVE face-to-face help groups? Hope?
Dr. Vaknin: It is possible to live with the narcissist, as I made clear earlier. It requires
certain behavioral modifications and a willingness to accept the narcissist largely as he is. These
may be of interest:
And, yes, there are groups (though only online) who tackle healing and co-existance - they are
listed here.
I am not aware of a live group though I heard recently that something is being organized in New
York. Bullying - and especially workplace bullying - is tackled by many online and live groups.
This website, managed
by a former bullying victim, Tim Field, is the best I know of. It contains links to hundreds of resources.
David: For many people, Dr. Vaknin, if you are in a situation working with a narcissist
or under a narcissist, they can't just pick up and leave their job. What is the best way for them
to cope without "kissing" up to this person and being always vigilant about what you say and how
you say it? or is that the only way to survive?
Dr. Vaknin: It depends whether the narcissistic bully represents the corporate culture
of the workplace - or is an isolated case attributable to a quirky nature or a personality disorder.
Alas, very often, abusive behaviors in one's office or shop floor are merely the epitome of all-pervasive
wrongdoing which permeates the entire hierarchy, from top management to the bottom rung of employment.
Bullies rarely dare to express their tendencies in isolation and in defiance of the prevailing
ethos. Or, if they do run against the grain of their place of employment, they lose their jobs. Typically,
narcissists join already narcissistic firms and mesh well with a toxic workplace, a poisonous atmosphere,
and an abusive management. If one is not willing to succumb to the mores and (lack of) ethics of
the workplace, there is little one can do.
Surprisingly few countries (Sweden, the United Kingdom, to some extent) outlaw workplace abuse
specifically.
Whistleblowers and "troublemakers" are frowned upon and are not protected by any institutions.
It is a dismal landscape. The victim would do well to simply resign and move on, sad as this may
be. As awareness of the phenomenon increases and laws take effect, hopefully this will change and
bullied and abused workers will find effective ways to cope with mistreatment.
TimeToFly: What typically happens to a narcissist when they lose their position of authority
or their job. How do they react to that? My narcissist ex-husband recently lost his job. He will
not say what happened exactly, typical. But since then he has been on a rampage to destroy me. It
was right after the loss of his previous job that he left me and our children 4 years ago. He had
been the manager of engineering and was first demoted, and then finally left the company. I never
did get the story. He has just remarried, but his new life somehow has not distracted him from his
obsession with destroying mine.
Dr. Vaknin: Being demoted or losing one's job is a narcissistic injury (or wound). The
entire edifice of the
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an elaborate and multi-layered reaction to past narcissistic
injuries.
A gap opens between the way the narcissistic imagines himself to be (grandiosity) and reality
(unemployed, humiliated, discarded, unneeded). The narcissist strives to bridge the grandiosity gap
but sometimes it is simply to abysmal to deny or ignore. So, some narcissists go through decompensation
- their defense mechanisms crumble. They may even experience brief psychotic episodes. They become
dysfunctional. The narcissists redouble their efforts to obtain narcissistic supply by any means
- sex, exercise, attention-seeking behaviors. Yet others withdraw altogether to "lick their wounds"
(schizoid posture). What is common to all these narcissists is the ominous feeling that they are
losing control (and maybe even losing it).
In a desparate effort to re-exert control, the narcissist becomes abusive. Sometimes abuse is
about controlling the victim. Others seek "easy targets" - lonely women to "conquer" or simple tasks
to accomplish, or no-brainers, or to compete against weak opponents with a guaranteed result.
Dr. Vaknin: No one knows. The accepted wisdom is that NPD is tan adaptative reaction to
early childhood or early adolescence trauma and abuse. There are many forms of abuse. The more familiar
ones - verbal, emotional, psychological, physical, sexual - of course yield psychopathologies. But
are far more subtle and more insidious forms of mistreatment. Doting, smothering, ignoring personal
boundaries, treating someone as an extension or a wish-fulfillment machine, spoiling, emotional blackmail,
an ambience of paranoia or intimidation ("gaslighting") - have as long lasting effects as the "classic"
varieties of abuse. Still, there is always the possibility of a
hereditary component More about
the
roots of narcissism here
David: Here are a couple of audience comments about what's been said tonight:
Doria57: No one ever wants to form an anti-bullying group, they are afraid.
martha j: The descriptions of the narcissistic boss --Isn't this the unfortunate all American
definition of the "successful boss?
Dr. Vaknin: I'd like to respond to that last comment. Mental health disorders - and especially
personality disorders - are not divorced from the twin contexts of culture and society. Western society
and culture are narcissistic. Disparate scholars and thinkers - Christopher Lasch on the one hand
and Theodore Millon on the other hand - have concluded as much. Narcissistic behaviors - now labeled
"misconduct" - have long been nornmative. The basically narcissistic traits of individualism competitiveness,
unbridled ambition - are the founding stones of certain versions of capitalism. Thus, certain forms
of abuse and bullying actually constitute an integral part of the folklore of corporate America.
Narcissistic bosses were idolized. As long as this is the case, workplace abuse would be hard to
overcome. More here:
David: Thank you, Dr. Vaknin, for being our guest this evening and for sharing this information
with us. And to those in the audience, thank you for coming and participating. I hope you found it
helpful. We have a very large and active community here at
HealthyPlace.com. You will always find
people in the chatrooms and interacting with various sites. Also, if you found our site beneficial,
I hope you'll pass our URL around to your friends, mail list buddies, and others.
http://www.healthyplace.com
Disclaimer: We are not recommending or endorsing any of the suggestions of our guest. In
fact, we strongly encourage you to talk over any therapies, remedies or suggestions with your doctor
BEFORE you implement them or make any changes in your treatment.
We hold topical mental health chat conferences on on our site. The conference schedule and transcripts
from previous chats are
here.
Narcissists can be arrogant, self-aggrandizing, and manipulative. But what's it like to have narcissistic
personality disorder? And how can it be treated? Guests include Dr. Jeffrey Young, the founder
and director of the Schema Therapy Institute of New York and the Cognitive Therapy Centers of New
York and Connecticut and co-author of "Reinventing Your Life"; Sandy Hotchkiss, a licensed
clinical social worker and the author of "Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism";
Dr. Corinne Pache, an assistant professor of classics at Yale University and a fellow at Harvard
University's Center for Hellenic Studies in Washington D.C., who talks about the myth of Narcissus
and Echo; poet Tony Hoagland, whose latest collection is called "What Narcissism Means to
Me"; and Samuel Vaknin, who has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder and has written
extensively about the topic.
Host Dr. Fred Goodwin begins with an essay in which
he says he has always been fascinated by the boundary between healthy narcissism and narcissism as
a disorder. In his world of medical research, it's not uncommon to hear some colleagues at the top
of their game described by other colleagues as narcissistic. The label is generally meant to be pejorative
(and might also reflect some envy), but he doubts that it always actually translates into narcissistic
personality disorder. From time to time, he says, a colleague that he knows quite well is described
as narcissistic. And yet those who work closely with him will often describe him as generous and
supportive, in other words capable of empathy - which is lacking in the true narcissist. Dr. Goodwin
believes the ability to empathize is what really distinguishes healthy narcissism from a personality
disorder, and it's important to remember empathy is not always visible from a distance.
Then Dr. Goodwin interviews Samuel Vaknin. After receiving a diagnosis of narcissistic
personality disorder, Vaknin devoted himself to understanding the disorder and offering advice to
others with it. He is the author of "Malignant Self-Love - Narcissism Revisited," and he runs, moderates,
and contributes to several websites devoted to narcissistic personality disorder -- all of which,
he readily admits, contributes the "narcissisistic supply" he craves.
Vaknin, who lives in Skopje, Macedonia was interviewed by phone from Italy, where he was on vacation.
He says the disorder affects every aspect of his life, from work to interpersonal relationships to
sexual relations. He has been diagnosed twice, once after a relationship ended badly and again in
an Israeli prison where he was incarcerated for securities offenses. He says it is not uncommon for
narcissists to see themselves as above the law. They believe they deserve special treatment and do
not understand other people's feelings or needs, he says, laeding to antisocial behavior.
Vaknin then says he has no sense of his own self-worth. He needs other people to tell him what
he's worth, and he therefore seeks constant admiration. Dr. Goodwin asks him if he feels he is special,
and he says it's not a matter of feeling -- there is no distance between himself and that conviction
-- it's more like "knowing" he's special. He admits that, if he is criticized, he is likely to erupt
into rage, because his overriding sense of superiority has been challenged.
Then, Dr. Goodwin interviews psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Young, who has developed a new treatment
for personality disorders, combining elements of cognitive, behavioral, object relations, and gestalt
therapy. Dr. Young is the founder and director of the Schema Therapy Institute of New York and the
Cognitive Therapy Centers of New York and Connecticut. He's also teaches in the psychiatry department
at Columbia University, and is the co-author of "Reinventing Your Life."
Dr. Young begins by saying that the major characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder
are seeing oneself as special, acting entitled, believing one should have whatever one wants, regardless
of the feelings of others, and inflating oneself while putting others down. However, for people who
actually have the disorder, the narcissism is a facade, a coping mechanism to deal with underlying
feelings of loneliness and defectiveness. If they are challenged or criticized, they often react
with rage because their self-image has been deflated. Then, their shame will often come to the surface
and they can feel horrible about themselves.
Dr. Young then explains the difference between healthy and unhealthy narcissism. Healthy narcissism
is having a sense of your basic rights -- for example, not allowing someone to cut in front of you
in line, or even feeling proud of your accomplishments and not hiding them. Unhealthy narcissism
is becoming obsessed with having people think you are special, and not just having a sense of your
own rights, but not caring at all about the rights of others.
Since narcissists have difficulty admitting weakness, they usually do not seek treatment unless
they have been deflated in some way, for example, if they are threatened with divorce of the loss
of a job. Often, Dr. Young says, the only way to get a narcissist into treatment is with an ultimatum.
Dr. Young has developed a form of treatment for personality disorders called schema therapy. It
is based on the idea that we all have different personality modes, or parts of the self (angry, easygoing,
focused, carefree, etc.). For people with personality disorders, these modes are much more extreme,
some are dysfunctional, and it is difficult to move flexibly from one mode to another. He says most
people with narcissistic personality disorder have three dominant modes -- the self-aggrandizing,
entitled mode (which is what people see as narcissism), the shamed or lonely child mode (which is
the underlying sadness and isolation), and the self-soothing or self-stimulating mode (when alone,
to avoid feeling "the lonely child," they will often engage in activities like gambling, compulsive
sex or speculative investing to distract themselves from their more vulnerable side).
In therapy, directly addressing the narcissistic behavior generally doesn't work, so Dr. Young
tries to engage "the lonely, shamed child," since that is the part of the person that is in pain.
He does this by looking for any example of narcissistic behavior and then, rather than criticizing
it, focusing on why the person is acting that way. The hope is to have the person acknowledge
that he can feel vulnerable, he doesn't always feel good or think he's "the best," and in this way
get him to understand his compensatory behavior. Dr. Young says that, of the people who stay in therapy,
he is able to help the vast majority. However, as with any therapy for narcissists, unless the therapist
spends the sessions telling the patients they're the best, many will leave early.
To contact Dr. Young, please write to: Dr. Jeffrey Young, Director, Schema Therapy Institute,
36 West 44th Street, Suite 1007, New York, NY 10036. Or visit http://www.schematherapy.com
The word "narcissism" derives from the name of the mythological character, Narcissus, who fell
in love with his own reflection. The myth was made famous by the Roman poet Ovid, who created a story
of great beauty and psychological complexity. Dr. Goodwin's next guest is Dr. Corinne Pache,
an assistant professor of classics at Yale University. She is currently a fellow at Harvard University's
Center for Hellenic Studies in Washington DC, where she is working on a project on "Divine Desire."
Dr. Pache begins by telling the story of Narcissus and Echo, the nymph who fell in love with him
and was rejected. She says that the ancients were very suspicious of the extremes of love, and this
myth served as something of a cautionary tale. Narcissus is at one extreme -- he is only able to
love himself. Echo represents the other extreme -- she, who can only repeat what others say, loses
herself completely in the object of her love and has no sense of self at all. This is perfectly represented
in a passage in which Ovid writes that Narcissus tells Echo, "I would die before I give you power
over me," and Echo answers back repeating his last words, "I give you power over me." Both end up
dying because their love is unattainable. Dr. Pache says the lesson still holds for today -- many
of us have great difficulty finding a healthy balance between self and other.
To contact Dr. Pache, please write to: Dr. Corinne Pache, Assistant Professor of Classics, Yale
University, Department of Classics, P.O. Box 208266, 344 College Street, New Haven CT 06520-8266.
Or visit: http://www.yale.edu/ or http://www.chs.harvard.edu
Having a spouse, parent or even a boss who is a narcissist can have profound and even devastating
effects. After a short break, we hear a first-hand account. Given the personal nature of the story
this wife shares, she asked us not to mention her name. She has been married for 34 years, but noticed
a problem with the relationship very early on. Her husband insisted that everything go his way and
that she be subservient to him. He accepted nothing but adherence to his vision of how their lives
and their relationship should be. When she did stand up for herself, he would sometimes become physically
abusive. She says all this left her feeling out of control, small, lonely, sad, and angry. She says
she was left with little self-esteem and did not leave her husband because she feared being alone.
How do you handle the narcissist in YOUR life? Dr. Goodwin is then joined by Sandy Hotchkiss,
the author of "Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism." Hotchkiss is a licensed
clinical social worker with a private practice in individual, couples and family therapy in Pasadena,
California.
Dr. Goodwin begins by asking Ms. Hotchkiss how people can tell if their boss or spouse or parent
is a true narcissist and not just a bit self-involved or self-absorbed. She answers that you can
tell by the way they make you fee. They will generally make you feel as if you don't exist unless
you are in service to them. She also says they are likely to inflate you to bask in your glow. This
can be very seductive to some people, but the inflation never lasts -- you are also likely to be
exploited and deflated. Narcissists tend to be attracted to one of two types of people -- those they
admire (the super-model or corporate leader) or those who admire them. An exciting, fantasy romance
can be possible at the beginning of relationships, but, since untreated narcissists do not have the
capacity for empathy, they will probably not be there for their partners, unless it suits their own
needs.
Ms. Hotchkiss then describes the narcissistic parent, who, she says, is fundamentally incapable
of recognizing the child as separate from himself or herself. The child grows up to be acutely attuned
to what the parent needs from him or her. They often become stunted in some way in the development
of their own self and can be magnets for other narcissists, since they are so good at meeting other
people's needs (they can also grow up to be narcissists, themselves, if part of what the parent needed
was a mirror for his or her own narcissism). She says that it is possible for an adult child to develop
a compassionate relationship with a narcissistic parent, but only if the parent is not that toxic
and the child recognizes the reality of the situation, grieves the loss of the parent he or she never
had, and develops reciprocal relationships with other people in his or her life.
Finally, Ms. Hotchkiss talks about the narcissistic boss. Since narcissists crave power, many
rise to positions of great authority, where they create an environment in which their employees are
exploited in the service of their dream. In all relationships with narcissists, power is key, and
often you can improve your situation with a narcissist by accurately assessing the power balance
and changing your own behavior. However, if your boss is a narcissist, you are actually in a position
of limited power, and this can be very difficult. She says that if you really are stuck and cannot
change jobs, the best you can do is create a "work persona" that you know is not you. The persona
may get abused and exploited, but you must leave it at the office, and work on having a real life
outside of your job.
To contact Ms. Hotchkiss, please write to: Sandy Hotchkiss, 275 E. California Blvd, Suite J, Pasadena,
CA 91106.
To order "Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism,"
click here.
Next, The Infinite Mind's Marit Haahr speaks with poet Tony Hoagland, whose latest
collection -- "What Narcissism Means to Me" -- explores the narcissism in all of us. His previous
works include "Donkey Gospel," which won the James Laughlin Award of The Academy of American Poets,
and "Sweet Ruin," which won the Brittingham Prize in Poetry.
Hoagland begins by reading his book's title poem, "What Narcissism Means to Me." It begins:
There's Socialism and Communism and Capitalism,
said Neal,
and there's Feminism and Hedonism,
and there's Capitalism and Bipedalism and Consumerism,
but I think Narcissism is the system
that means the most to me...
Hoagland then says he believes American culture encourages self-involvement to a degree that makes
it difficult for us to pay attention to anything but ourselves. He says our self-preoccupation is
endlessly promoted and indulged by a consumer culture. Even the great American philosophers of self-reliance
and self-sufficiency, people like Whitman and Emerson, have been co-opted in the service of car commercials
(i.e. "March to the beat of a different drummer. Drive a Lexus."). With so many opportunities for
self-gratification, it's difficult to know our own size in the world.
To order "What Narcissism Means to Me,"
click here.
Finally, commentator John Hockenberry looks at narcissism and politics. He says, "Narcissism
IS politics in America. What else can the world possibly think listening to our political rhetoric...
the constant invocations of being the greatest nation on earth, the greatest people, the pinnacle
of civilization, the divine custodians of all that is moral and free in the world?"
The Last but not LeastTechnology is dominated by
two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand ~Archibald Putt.
Ph.D
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Husband and other managers barely mentioned, 
What an eye opener!, 
Fell short of what is promised, 
An excellent, truly helpful book, 