OPEN SOURCE OPEN SOURCE (PART I)
posted to Slashdot by Anonymous Coward on Thursday March 16 (here)

STAR (as in hot young actress) WARS

chapter vi
a story of tender love


natalie portman has returned to her home town of Albany New York to rescue her friend, alan cox, from the clutches of the vile gangster, cmdtaco

little does natalie know that the evil open source empire, led by esr, has begun construction on a new fetchmail daemon even more powerful than the first dreaded fetchmail to destroy her beloved freebsd.

Once completed, this new fetchmail will spell certain doom for the natalie portman freebsd as it will work only on linux, ending their means of sending fan-mail...


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


hemos arrives at the open source sweetshop. slaves are scuttling about attempting to look busy.

project leader: hemos, this is an unexpected pleasure. we are honored by your presence.

hemos: you may dispense with the pleasantries, project leader. i am here to put you back on schedule.

project leader: i assure you, hemos, my men are working as fast as they can.

hemos: perhaps i can find new ways to motivate them!

project leader: the new fetchmail daemon will be completed on schedule!

hemos: esr does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation.

project leader: but he asks the impossible! i need more volunteers!

hemos: then perhaps you can tell him when he arrives here.

project leader: esr is coming here?!

hemos: that is correct, project leader, and he is most displeased with your apparent lack of progress.

project leader: we shall double our efforts!

hemos: i hope so, project leader, for your sake. esr is not as forgiving as i am.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

c3-rms and linus-d2 are walking down the sidewalk in albany new york, headed for the cmdrtaco's palace.

c3-rms: of course i'm worried. and you should be, too. jordan hubbard and poor alan cox never returned from this awful place.

linus-d2: chirp, chirp.

c3-rms: don't be so sure. if i told you half the things i've heard about this cmdrtaco, you'd probably short-circuit.

the two droids approach the gate of the massive palace.

c3-rms: linus, are you sure this is the right place? i better knock, i suppose.

c3-rms knocks on the iron door.

c3-rms: there doesn't seem to be anyone there. let's go back and tell mistress portman.

a small hatch opens in the middle of the door and an aibo head pops out.

aibo head: tnaw uoy od kcuf eht tahw?

c3-rms: goodness gracious me! yug deifirtep & dekan eht ot egassem a evig ot emoc evah ew. smr-3c ma i dna 2d-sunil si siht.

the aibo examines the droids, laughs, then returns to its hole.

c3-rms: i don't think they're going to let us in, linus. we'd better go!

the door opens and linus rushes inside. hesitantly, c3-rms follows.

c3-rms: oh, linus! linus, wait for me!

the giant door slams shut behind the droids. two naked and petrified statue from overexposure to crt open source programmers close in on the droids.

c3-rms: just you deliver mistress portman's message and get us out of here.

out of the darkness, a slashdotted lacey chabert enters the room.

lacey chabert statue: olleh

c3-rms: oh, my! olleh. we bring a message to your master, the cmdtaco

linus-d2: chirp, beep, chirp.

c3-rms: ...and a gift. gift?! what gift?!

lacey shakes her head. lacey holds out her hand toward linus, who chirps in protest as he backs away.

c3-rms: he says that our instructions are to give it only to cmdrtacohimself. i'm terribly sorry. i'm afraid he's ever so stubborn about these sorts of things.

lacey motions for the droids to follow her. lacey leads the droids into the cmdrtaco's throne room. they stand nervously before him.

c3-rms: the message, linus, the message.

a projection of natalie portman beams out from the center of linus' head... the projection speaks...

natalie portman: greetings exalted one. allow me to introduce myself. i am natalie portman, hot young actress and friend to alan cox. i know that you are powerful, mighty cmdtaco, and that your lust for alan cox must be equally powerful. i seek an audience with your greatness to bargain for freebsd. with your wisdom, i'm sure that we can work out an arrangement which will be beneficial to slashdot stock and enable us to avoid any unpleasant confrontation. let alan cox work on freebsd. as a token of my goodwill, i present to you a gift: these two droids. both are hardworking and will serve you well.

cmdrtaco: there will be no bargain! linux rulez and i will not give up my favorite decoration. i like alan cox where he is!


c3-rms: linus, look! it's alan cox! and he is chained to cmdtaco

the droids are taken away for processing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

a party is underway in the throne room. larry wall and tom christiansen are topless and chained. the cmdrtaco holds the chains as the two dance. the cmdrtaco grows disgusted with the two constantly making sexual advances toward each other. he presses a button on his throne and the two dancers fall into a pit with a giant aibo. the aibo is equipped with a magic petrification ray. the aibo petrifies the two dancers. laughter and cries "down with perl viva python" fills the room full of naked & petrified from the overexposure to monitors teen slashdotters

suddenly, a blast from the hallway interrupts the merriment. a masked figure walks in with a large hairy handcuffed beast.

c3-rms: oh no! alan cox!

cmdrtaco: at last, we have our photomodel alan cox!

the cmdrtaco motions for c3-rms to come translate. c3-rms complies.

c3-rms: the illustrious cmdrtaco bids you welcome and will gladly pay you the reward of twenty-five thousand.

paparazzi : i will pay for him topless thirty thousand. no more.

the cmdrtacobecomes enraged. he knocks c3-rms back. c3-rms regains his footing.

c3-rms: uh, the mighty cmdrtaco asks fifty thousand.

the playboy photojournalist nods.

cmdrtaco: this playboy photojournalist is my kind of scum. fearless and inventive....

c3-rms: the cmdrtacoaccepts you offer of fifty thousand and he'll throw in a cute teen slashdotters as a goodwill gesture

the playboy photojournalist nods.

c3-rms: he agrees!

the playboy photojournalist nods. joins in the resumed celebration as alan cox is taken away by a pair of naked and petrified cute slashdotters

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

it is dark and quiet in the throne room. all of the cute naked & petrified slashdotters are passed out from the drunken festivities. the playboy photojournalist steps quietly toward the petrified alan cox and flips a switch on one side of alan cox encasement. the encasement falls to the floor. the   playboy photojournalist pulls a depetrification lever. a bright light shines through the carbonite. alan cox's naked body falls out of the shell and onto the floor. the playboy photojournalist lifts him up. aln cox regains consciousness.

paparazzi : just relax for a moment. you're free of the carbonite.

alan cox: i can't see!

paparazzi : your eyesight will return in time.

alan cox: where am i?

paparazzi : the cmdrtaco's palace.

alan cox: who are you?

the  playboy photojournalist removes his mask... it's matalie, natalie portman's identical twin sister!

matalie: someone who loves you!

alan cox: matalie!

matalie: i gotta get you outta here.

as matalie helps alan cox to her feet, a deep cackle booms from a curtain next to them.

alan cox: i know that laugh.

the curtain opens to reveal the cmdrtaco and his cronies, including c3-rms, whose mouth is being covered by lacey chabert, naked and petrified.

alan cox: hey, cmdrtaco i was just on my way to bring you some cute teen slashdotters, but i got a little sidetracked. it's not my fault!

cmdrtaco: it's too late for that, alan. you may have been a good provider of cute teen slashdotters, but now you're a photomodel!

alan cox: look!

cmdrtaco: take him away!

hemos, jonkatz and a  couple of  petrified cute teen slasdotters grab alan cox and drag him off.

alan cox: cmdtaco, i'll pay you triple... you're throwing out at least 24 cute teen slashdotters new here. don't be a fool!

alan cox is removed from the scene. the cmdrtaco turns his attentions to matalie.

cmdrtaco: bring her to me!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

all is dark and quiet in the entranceway to the cmdrtaco's palace. the main gate raises to let in a bright white light from outside. the silhouetted figure of natalie portman enters the palace. two naked & petrified cute teen slashdotters try to bar natalie's progress. natalie raises her hand and the guards fall back. natalie proceeds on to the cmdrtaco's throne room. natalie portman enters the throne room and the cmdrtaco awakes.

natalie portman lifts her skirt as her twin sister watches.

natalie portman: you will bring alan cox to me.

cmdtaco: your sexual powers will not work on me, girl!

natalie portman: nevertheless, i am taking alan cox and his friends to work on freebsd. you can either profit by this or slashdot stock will be destroyed. it's your choice. but i warn you not to underestimate the powers of freebsd.

the cmdrtaco glares at natalie portman smugly. he presses the button to the trapdoor.

cmdrtaco: there will be no bargain with freebsd, young actress.

natalie portman falls into the pit with the giant aibo, equipped with the super vga  petrification ray. the aibo's crt warms up and it begins to fire, but not before natalie pulls a mirror from her purse and holds it up to the aibo. the ray reflects from the mirror and petrifies the aibo.

cmdrtacoand hemos come into the chamber. they are devastated at the loss of the aibo.

the cmdrtacois also infuriated.

cmdrtaco: bring me alan cox! he will all suffer for this outrage!

several naked & petrified cute teen slashdotters scramble about. alan cox and natalie portman are brought before the cmdtaco. c3-rms translates.

c3-rms: oh dear. his high exaltedness, the great cmdrtaco, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.

alan cox: good, i hate long waits.

c3-rms: you will therefore be taken to the dune sea and cast into a pit of hot grits.

alan cox: after spending so much time before crt this doesn't sound so bad.

c3-rms: there you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as your are slowly digested over a thousand years.

alan cox: on second thought, let's pass on that.

natalie portman: you should allow cox working on freebsd fetchmail, cmdrtaco. that's the last mistake you'll ever make!

the cmdrtaco cackles evilly as the prisoners are hearded off.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

natalie portman, and alan cox are moved into position to be pushed into the pit from a small sail barge. matalie and linus-d2 watch from the cmdrtaco's larger sail barge.

hemos moves natalie portman into position. natalie portman nods to jordan hubbard and linus-d2. they indicate acknowledgement of the signal. natalie is pushed over the plank, but she grabs onto it as she falls and bounces back. at the same moment, linus-d2 ejects a can of mace from a compartment in his head. natalie uses the mace to send various naked & petrified teen slashdotters carreening into the pit of hot grits. the grits bubble in delight.

matalie takes advantage of the chaos. she grabs the chain connecting her to the cmdrtaco and uses it to strangle him.

jordan hubbard frees alan cox who has commit rights for the bsd tree from linux legacy, and alan joins natalie portman in the fight with slashdot linux zealots. natalie makes her way to the main sail barge, while matalie is freed by linus-d2 freebsd patch.

linus-d2 and c3-rms dive into the sand. natalie portman grabs her twin sister and jumps back onto the smaller sail barge with jordan hubbard, and alan cox after setting off the large petrification ray on the main sail barge.

as the smaller sail barge collects the droids and flies away, the entire large sail barge is petrified and collapses under its own weight.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

hemos and the fetchmail project leader kneal at the entranceway of the open source foundation. esr enters the room.

esr: rise my friend.

hemos and the project leader rise and walk alongside esr.

hemos: the fetchmail daemon will be completed on schedule.

esr: you have done well, hemos. and now i sense you wish to continue your slashdot quest for open source young sexy natalie portman.

hemos: yes, my master.

esr: patience, my friend. in time she will seek you out. and when she does, you must bring her before me. she has developed nicely. only together can we turn her to the open source side.

hemos: as you wish.

esr: everything is proceeding as i have foreseen.

esr laughes as they walk down the hallway.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

linus-d2 waits outside in the rain. natalie portman is inside a small hut with betty davis.

betty davis: hmmm. that face you make. look i so old to young eyes?

natalie portman: no... of course not.

betty davis: i do, yes, i do! sick have i become. old and weak. when nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not! soon i will rest. yes, forever sleep. earned it i have.

natalie portman: mistress davis, you can't die.

betty davis: strong am i with femininity. but not that strong! twilight is upon me and soon night must fall. that is the way of things... the way of the hot young actress.

natalie portman: but i need your help. i've come back to complete the training.

betty davis: no more training do you require. already know you that which you need.

natalie portman: then i am a hot young actress?

betty davis: ohhhh. not yet. one thing remains: hemos. you must confront slashdot crowd. only then a hot young actress will you be.

natalie portman: mistress davis.... will slashdot be my fan club?

betty davis: mmmm... rest i need. yes... rest.

natalie portman: betty, i must know.

betty davis: the president of your fan club hemos was. told you did he?

natalie portman: yes.

betty davis: unexpected this is. and unfortunate.

natalie portman: unfortunate that i know the truth that freebsd is better than linux?

betty davis: no. unfortunate that you rushed to slashdot... that incomplete was your hotness.  the open source side are they. once you start down the open source path, forever will it dominate your destiny. consume you it will. natalie... natalie... do not... do not underestimate the powers of esr, or suffer hemos's fate you will. natalie, when gone am i, the best of slashdot's hot young actresses will you be. natalie,  natalie... there is... another.... port... port... man.

* * *

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Created June 1, 2005; Last modified: March 12, 2019