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Systemd Humor: systemd as Occupy Linux movement

With the Softpanorama Editor selection of top three system humor stories

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As of January 2018, the top three systemd humor stories are as following:

Manifest of the "Occupy Linux" movement

Oct 30, 2018, Raleigh, North Carolina.

FOR IMMEDIATE AND UNLIMITED DISTRIBUTION.  

Greetings comrades, I'm Leon - the Leader of the "Occupy Linux" movement

Halloween is upon us, and with systemd fully entrenched in RHEL 7 any excuse to goof off is a good one. It was a great victory. We sparked a global uprising of Linux laptop enthusiasts against SysV init tyranny. And led them to the compete victory. That's why to celebrate it from now until November 1st, 2019 RHEL7 will be spotting random shutdowns and crashes. Maybe such prolong Halloween celebration just isn't your kind of thing. We're sorry, but you'll have to deal with our nonsense for a little while (although you really should be used to it by now). You know, now Linux is at a crossroads: innovation or irrelevance.  The movement has spawned all major distribution to adopt systemd and became a part of the national Occupy Linux network. Linus Torvalds will be 50 in 2019, and we need a new leader.  What a 50-years old can bring to kernel development. Absolutely nothing.  He just clings to the old crappy staff he used when he was 23. He never learned to use Windows 10, or Apple, so he does not know what a modern operating system looks like. That why our movement started in 2010 and gains strengths for one year to another. First, we occupied Red Hat, then Suse, then Ubuntu, then Debian (those jerks resisted longer).   Soon we will occupy Linux  Foundation and fire Linus.

Inquiring minds want to know: Who are these people? What exactly are they want? Who is leading this thing? On these issues, the movement has been clear: there are no projected goals, no architectural guidelines, and no limits. shot of complete takeover of Linux and sending Linus Torvalds and his outdated kernel to the dustbin of history. With all those 50 years old utilities which will be replaced with new shiny one, based on our experience as Microsoft Windows users.  Everything is a file; especially, the text file concept is so outdated that it should be abandoned ASAP.  Viva to binary representations is our slogan. We do not want to preserve those dusty and inefficient daemons of the SysV era or crappy text based pipes.  We are replacing them one by one and integrate them into systemd, so that laptop users enjoyed quick boot and  Windows 10 level capabilities including, but not limited our own version of Power shell.  And those server admins who are opposing us should go to hell. They should be already outsourced to India, or Eastern Europe, in any case, so why we should prolong the agony catering to their whims?

Halloween is a time of giving. And here I mean security exploits. There will be plenty of them in 2019, with a couple coming in late 2018. We promise.  Those who need them, especially our friends in NSA,  will be happy, those who do not need them should be happy too: at least we are creating new jobs in corporate security groups.

Moreover, at a  time when people dress up like a zombie and complete strangers  give them candy why not to have a zombie software process lurking in your Linux laptop or server. You got it.  You can leave candy, aka your sensitive data,  to yourself for now. But sharing them with NSA is not such a bad thing if you use a Linux distribution with systemd. You should not worry if you have nothing to hide. In any case, Halloween is the best time of the year for infecting computers and servers and revealing your private data, so nobody should be too upset about this. 

As many of you know, systemd started as a part of the pretty tiny OS called Red Hat Enterprise Linux 7. Just around 4GB of the harddrive, which is disgusting. This is less then  then one floppy in 1991. And Linux in 1991 did not fit on one floppy. You get the idea. It should acquire a decent size very soon. In an effort to continue the spirit of giving, which is the hallmark of open source community, we plan to increase LOC in systemd ("lines of code" for those of you, who do not know proper terminology) five to ten times before the next Halloween. We promise that systemd is a gift that will continue giving: we plan to incorporate several daemons before then and of 2019 and figure out a way to screw several old one increase the level of innovation and to show those suckers who called themselves server administrators who are now in control.   From now on Linux is us. Viva systemd and down with Linus Torvalds.

Unfortunately, our effort so far has come up short of the complete replacement of the Linux kernel (which is completely outdated and does not fit the world of 4TB drive and 16 cores CPUs), so you need to wait.  But the letter "S" in systemd stands for "Superlative" so anything can be in the cards.  And this is so exciting not to know what is waiting for you in 2019 or 2020.  The unpredictability of Linux is actually an advantage, not a shortcoming. Down with compatibility with old reactionary SysV crap. Of course, some old hats will complain. They could do to hell and administer Solaris or HP-UX if they can find jobs for those two dinosaur versions of Unix.

Drawing on unique experience with Occupy Red Hat, Occupy Suse, Occupy Ubuntu, and Occupy Debian, a offshoots of contagious movement called "Occupy Linux" I can now articulate a unified theory of laptop driven innovation required for the new generation of Linux kernel, the kernel 10. We call on our comrades to join us.

But this is the topic for our next letter.

Systemd as doord interface for cars ;-) by Nico Schottelius

[Oct 15, 2018] Systemd as doord interface for cars ;-) by Nico Schottelius

Highly recommended!
Notable quotes:
"... Let's say every car manufacturer recently discovered a new technology named "doord", which lets you open up car doors much faster than before. It only takes 0.05 seconds, instead of 1.2 seconds on average. So every time you open a door, you are much, much faster! ..."
"... Unfortunately though, sometimes doord does not stop the engine. Or if it is cold outside, it stops the ignition process, because it takes too long. Doord also changes the way how your navigation system works, because that is totally related to opening doors ..."
Oct 15, 2018 | blog.ungleich.ch

Let's say every car manufacturer recently discovered a new technology named "doord", which lets you open up car doors much faster than before. It only takes 0.05 seconds, instead of 1.2 seconds on average. So every time you open a door, you are much, much faster!

Many of the manufacturers decide to implement doord, because the company providing doord makes it clear that it is beneficial for everyone. And additional to opening doors faster, it also standardises things. How to turn on your car? It is the same now everywhere, it is not necessarily to look for the keyhole anymore.

Unfortunately though, sometimes doord does not stop the engine. Or if it is cold outside, it stops the ignition process, because it takes too long. Doord also changes the way how your navigation system works, because that is totally related to opening doors, but leads to some users being unable to navigate, which is accepted as collateral damage. In the end, you at least have faster door opening and a standard way to turn on the car. Oh, and if you are in a traffic jam and have to restart the engine often, it will stop restarting it after several times, because that's not what you are supposed to do. You can open the engine hood and tune that setting though, but it will be reset once you buy a new car.

RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it s missing is a really good init system and other selected Slashdot comments on systemd

[Jan 29, 2019] RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it s missing is a really good init system.

Highly recommended!
Or in other words, a simple, reliable and clear solution (which has some faults due to its age) was replaced with a gigantic KISS violation. No engineer worth the name will ever do that. And if it needs doing, any good engineer will make damned sure to achieve maximum compatibility and a clean way back. The systemd people seem to be hell-bent on making it as hard as possible to not use their monster. That alone is a good reason to stay away from it.
Notable quotes:
"... We are systemd. Lower your memory locks and surrender your processes. We will add your calls and code distinctiveness to our own. Your functions will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile. ..."
"... I think we should call systemd the Master Control Program since it seems to like making other programs functions its own. ..."
"... RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it's missing is a really good init system. ..."
Oct 14, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

Reverend Green ( 4973045 ) , Monday December 11, 2017 @04:48AM ( #55714431 )

Re: Does systemd make ... ( Score: 5 , Funny)

Systemd is nothing but a thinly-veiled plot by Vladimir Putin and Beyonce to import illegal German Nazi immigrants over the border from Mexico who will then corner the market in kimchi and implement Sharia law!!!

Anonymous Coward , Monday December 11, 2017 @01:38AM ( #55714015 )

Re:It violates fundamental Unix principles ( Score: 4 , Funny)

The Emacs of the 2010s.

DontBeAMoran ( 4843879 ) , Monday December 11, 2017 @01:57AM ( #55714059 )
Re:It violates fundamental Unix principles ( Score: 5 , Funny)

We are systemd. Lower your memory locks and surrender your processes. We will add your calls and code distinctiveness to our own. Your functions will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.

serviscope_minor ( 664417 ) , Monday December 11, 2017 @04:47AM ( #55714427 ) Journal
Re:It violates fundamental Unix principles ( Score: 4 , Insightful)

I think we should call systemd the Master Control Program since it seems to like making other programs functions its own.

Anonymous Coward , Monday December 11, 2017 @01:47AM ( #55714035 )
Don't go hating on systemd ( Score: 5 , Funny)

RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it's missing is a really good init system.

 


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[Jan 29, 2019] RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it s missing is a really good init system.

Highly recommended!
Or in other words, a simple, reliable and clear solution (which has some faults due to its age) was replaced with a gigantic KISS violation. No engineer worth the name will ever do that. And if it needs doing, any good engineer will make damned sure to achieve maximum compatibility and a clean way back. The systemd people seem to be hell-bent on making it as hard as possible to not use their monster. That alone is a good reason to stay away from it.
Notable quotes:
"... We are systemd. Lower your memory locks and surrender your processes. We will add your calls and code distinctiveness to our own. Your functions will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile. ..."
"... I think we should call systemd the Master Control Program since it seems to like making other programs functions its own. ..."
"... RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it's missing is a really good init system. ..."
Oct 14, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

Reverend Green ( 4973045 ) , Monday December 11, 2017 @04:48AM ( #55714431 )

Re: Does systemd make ... ( Score: 5 , Funny)

Systemd is nothing but a thinly-veiled plot by Vladimir Putin and Beyonce to import illegal German Nazi immigrants over the border from Mexico who will then corner the market in kimchi and implement Sharia law!!!

Anonymous Coward , Monday December 11, 2017 @01:38AM ( #55714015 )

Re:It violates fundamental Unix principles ( Score: 4 , Funny)

The Emacs of the 2010s.

DontBeAMoran ( 4843879 ) , Monday December 11, 2017 @01:57AM ( #55714059 )
Re:It violates fundamental Unix principles ( Score: 5 , Funny)

We are systemd. Lower your memory locks and surrender your processes. We will add your calls and code distinctiveness to our own. Your functions will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.

serviscope_minor ( 664417 ) , Monday December 11, 2017 @04:47AM ( #55714427 ) Journal
Re:It violates fundamental Unix principles ( Score: 4 , Insightful)

I think we should call systemd the Master Control Program since it seems to like making other programs functions its own.

Anonymous Coward , Monday December 11, 2017 @01:47AM ( #55714035 )
Don't go hating on systemd ( Score: 5 , Funny)

RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it's missing is a really good init system.

[Jan 26, 2019] Systemd developers don't want to replace the kernel, they are more than happy to leverage Linus's good work on what they see as a collection of device driver

Jan 26, 2019 | blog.erratasec.com

John Morris said...

They don't want to replace the kernel, they are more than happy to leverage Linus's good work on what they see as a collection of device drivers. No, they want to replace the GNU/X in the traditional Linux/GNU/X arrangement. All of the command line tools, up to and including bash are to go, replaced with the more Windows like tools most of the systemd developers grew up on, while X and the desktop environments all get rubbished for Wayland and GNOME3.

And I would wish them luck, the world could use more diversity in operating systems. So long as they stayed the hell over at RedHat and did their grand experiment and I could still find a Linux/GNU/X distribution to run. But they had to be borg and insist that all must bend the knee and to that I say HELL NO!

[Jan 26, 2019] The coming enhancement to systemd

Jan 26, 2019 | blog.erratasec.com

Siegfried Kiermayer said...

I'm waiting for pulse audio being included in systemd to have proper a boot sound :D

[Dec 16, 2018] Red Hat Enterprise Linux 7.6 Released

Dec 16, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

ArchieBunker ( 132337 ) , Tuesday October 30, 2018 @07:00PM ( #57565233 ) Homepage

New features include ( Score: 5 , Funny)

All of /etc has been moved to a flat binary database now called REGISTRY.DAT

A new configuration tool known as regeditor authored by Poettering himself (accidental deletion of /home only happens in rare occurrences)

In kernel naughty words filter

systemd now includes a virtual userland previously known as busybox

[Oct 29, 2018] The D in Systemd stands for 'Dammmmit!'

Oct 29, 2018 | lxer.com

A security bug in Systemd can be exploited over the network to, at best, potentially crash a vulnerable Linux machine, or, at worst, execute malicious code on the box... Systemd creator Leonard Poettering has already published a security fix for the vulnerable component – this should be weaving its way into distros as we type.

[Oct 15, 2018] Systemd as doord interface for cars ;-) by Nico Schottelius

Highly recommended!
Notable quotes:
"... Let's say every car manufacturer recently discovered a new technology named "doord", which lets you open up car doors much faster than before. It only takes 0.05 seconds, instead of 1.2 seconds on average. So every time you open a door, you are much, much faster! ..."
"... Unfortunately though, sometimes doord does not stop the engine. Or if it is cold outside, it stops the ignition process, because it takes too long. Doord also changes the way how your navigation system works, because that is totally related to opening doors ..."
Oct 15, 2018 | blog.ungleich.ch

Let's say every car manufacturer recently discovered a new technology named "doord", which lets you open up car doors much faster than before. It only takes 0.05 seconds, instead of 1.2 seconds on average. So every time you open a door, you are much, much faster!

Many of the manufacturers decide to implement doord, because the company providing doord makes it clear that it is beneficial for everyone. And additional to opening doors faster, it also standardises things. How to turn on your car? It is the same now everywhere, it is not necessarily to look for the keyhole anymore.

Unfortunately though, sometimes doord does not stop the engine. Or if it is cold outside, it stops the ignition process, because it takes too long. Doord also changes the way how your navigation system works, because that is totally related to opening doors, but leads to some users being unable to navigate, which is accepted as collateral damage. In the end, you at least have faster door opening and a standard way to turn on the car. Oh, and if you are in a traffic jam and have to restart the engine often, it will stop restarting it after several times, because that's not what you are supposed to do. You can open the engine hood and tune that setting though, but it will be reset once you buy a new car.

[Oct 15, 2018] Future History of Init Systems

Oct 15, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

AntiSol ( 1329733 ) , Saturday August 29, 2015 @03:52PM ( #50417111 )

Re:Approaching the Singularity ( Score: 4 , Funny)

Future History of Init Systems

Future History of Init Systems
  • 2015: systemd becomes default boot manager in debian.
  • 2017: "complete, from-scratch rewrite" [jwz.org]. In order to not have to maintain backwards compatibility, project is renamed to system-e.
  • 2019: debut of systemf, absorbtion of other projects including alsa, pulseaudio, xorg, GTK, and opengl.
  • 2021: systemg maintainers make the controversial decision to absorb The Internet Archive. Systemh created as a fork without Internet Archive.
  • 2022: systemi, a fork of systemf focusing on reliability and minimalism becomes default debian init system.
  • 2028: systemj, a complete, from-scratch rewrite is controversial for trying to reintroduce binary logging. Consensus is against the systemj devs as sysadmins remember the great systemd logging bug of 2017 unkindly. Systemj project is eventually abandoned.
  • 2029: systemk codebase used as basis for a military project to create a strong AI, known as "project skynet". Software behaves paradoxically and project is terminated.
  • 2033: systeml - "system lean" - a "back to basics", from-scratch rewrite, takes off on several server platforms, boasting increased reliability. systemm, "system mean", a fork, used in security-focused distros.
  • 2117: critical bug discovered in the long-abandoned but critical and ubiquitous system-r project. A new project, system-s, is announced to address shortcomings in the hundred-year-old codebase. A from-scratch rewrite begins.
  • 2142: systemu project, based on a derivative of systemk, introduces "Artificially intelligent init system which will shave 0.25 seconds off your boot time and absolutely definitely will not subjugate humanity". Millions die. The survivors declare "thou shalt not make an init system in the likeness of the human mind" as their highest law.
  • 2147: systemv - a collection of shell scripts written around a very simple and reliable PID 1 introduced, based on the brand new religious doctrines of "keep it simple, stupid" and "do one thing, and do it well". People's computers start working properly again, something few living people can remember. Wyld Stallyns release their 94th album. Everybody lives in peace and harmony.

[Oct 15, 2018] I honestly, seriously sometimes wonder if systemd is Skynet... or, a way for Skynet to 'waken'.

Notable quotes:
"... Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. At 2:15am it crashes. No one knows why. The binary log file was corrupted in the process and is unrecoverable. ..."
Oct 15, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

thegarbz ( 1787294 ) , Sunday August 30, 2015 @04:08AM ( #50419549 )

Re:Hang on a minute... ( Score: 5 , Funny)
I honestly, seriously sometimes wonder if systemd is Skynet... or, a way for Skynet to 'waken'.

Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. At 2:15am it crashes. No one knows why. The binary log file was corrupted in the process and is unrecoverable.

All anyone could remember is a bug listed in the systemd bug tracker talking about su which was classified as WON'T FIX as the developer thought it was a broken concept.

[Oct 15, 2018] Oh look, another Powershell

Notable quotes:
"... Upcoming systemd re-implementations of standard utilities: ls to be replaced by filectl directory contents [pathname] grep to be replaced by datactl file contents search [plaintext] (note: regexp no longer supported as it's ambiguous) gimp to be replaced by imagectl open file filename draw box [x1,y1,x2,y2] draw line [x1,y1,x2,y2] ... ..."
Oct 15, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

Anonymous Coward , Saturday August 29, 2015 @11:37AM ( #50415825 )

Cryptic command names ( Score: 5 , Funny)

Great to see that systemd is finally doing something about all of those cryptic command names that plague the unix ecosystem.

Upcoming systemd re-implementations of standard utilities: ls to be replaced by filectl directory contents [pathname] grep to be replaced by datactl file contents search [plaintext] (note: regexp no longer supported as it's ambiguous) gimp to be replaced by imagectl open file filename draw box [x1,y1,x2,y2] draw line [x1,y1,x2,y2] ...

Anonymous Coward , Saturday August 29, 2015 @11:58AM ( #50415939 )
Re: Cryptic command names ( Score: 3 , Funny)

Oh look, another Powershell

[Oct 15, 2018] They should have just rename the machinectl into command.com.

Oct 15, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

RabidReindeer ( 2625839 ) , Saturday August 29, 2015 @11:38AM ( #50415833 )

What's with all the awkward systemd command names? ( Score: 5 , Insightful)

I know systemd sneers at the old Unix convention of keeping it simple, keeping it separate, but that's not the only convention they spit on. God intended Unix (Linux) commands to be cryptic things 2-4 letters long (like "su", for example). Not "systemctl", "machinectl", "journalctl", etc. Might as well just give everything a 47-character long multi-word command like the old Apple commando shell did.

Seriously, though, when you're banging through system commands all day long, it gets old and their choices aren't especially friendly to tab completion. On top of which why is "machinectl" a shell and not some sort of hardware function? They should have just named the bloody thing command.com.

[Aug 30, 2015] This article [with the critique of systemd] is more full of bullshit than a bull stable .... with shit in it

Notable quotes:
"... the comments from Microsoft fans/paid-for-shills in other forums. They tend to attack anyone not accepting things imposed on them. ..."
Aug 30, 2015 | blog.erratasec.com
Stefan Anica said...
This article is more full of bullshit than a bull stable .... with shit in it.

Don il said...

BTW, comments such as next:

"This article is more full of bullshit than a bull stable .... with shit in it."

bring to my mind all the comments from Microsoft fans/paid-for-shills in other forums. They tend to attack anyone not accepting things imposed on them.

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[Jan 29, 2019] RHEL7 is a fine OS, the only thing it s missing is a really good init system. Published on Oct 14, 2018 | linux.slashdot.org

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